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Day 437: Redefining The Word Reliable

Being seen and defined as reliable by others, that is something that is very important to me. In some regards, it has supported me to be cautious and precise with my impression on others, in other aspects, it has limited me, and the limitations I have created have most of the times been connected to the fear/anxiety I experience in relation to not being seen as reliable to others. Thus, in this blog I am going to look deeper at, and redefine the word reliable, and make it a practical word that I can live for and as myself.

How I live the word currently

Currently what being reliable means to me is that I am true to my word. When I say I am going to do something, I do it – if I share a bit of information – I make sure it is correct – I make sure that what I say I can do, I am also able to do. Being reliable is also much about how others experience me. If I do something that could potentially be seen as bad, or if I see that another reacts towards me, in the sense of distrusting me, then I feel start to feel/experience myself as a unreliable person, and this is oftentimes connected to self-judgment, where I condemn myself harshly for being unreliable.

Dictionary definition

adjective
consistently good in quality or performance; able to be trusted: a reliable source of information.

noun (usu. reliables)
a reliable person or thing: the supporting cast includes old reliables like Mitchell.

Sounding the word

Rely-able
Real-able
Real-I-Able
Really-Able

Creative writing

I like the sound, Real-I-Able. Drawing from the sound of the word, what I can see as definition and meaning of reliable, is that of standing firm and grounded within self when facing the world, hence being consistent, constant, the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. That is being reliable. It is possible to fake being reliable if its only about how others sees me. Real reliability however, is about standing and being stable regardless of what comes up within me. It is the ability to apply self-forgiveness upon and the direct the patterns emerging within me without hesitation, directing it immediately, and return to the stability and constancy of breath/here – and doing that consistently – that is what makes the difference.

Reliable, it is not about others, it is about me making a decision about who I am, and sticking to it – and sticking to it over and over again each and every time that the pattern arise. When being reliable becomes about others, then I miss what reliability is all about – that it is about my stability and stand within and as myself – me being REAL and not accepting and allowing emotions or feelings draw up a cloud of dust within me, and cloud my vision.

Redefinition

Consistently living with stability and common sense

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being reliable from the outside, wanting this to be confirmed by others, instead of me standing as reliable for and as myself, where the definition of being reliable, is that I stand within and as my human physical body, that I push and will myself to act according to what is physical, and that I push myself to forgive and let go of emotions and feelings when these emerge within me in some way or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at reliability as something that I am given by others, something that I receive through being deserving and acting in a way that others see as being reliable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget, and miss out on what it means to be reliable for real, where reliable would be to be the same yesterday, today and tomorrow – that I push and will myself to be stable and directive – and that I do not accept and allow myself to jump into the emotion/feeling wagon to be dragged and moved somewhere that is NOT my intention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another judging me as unreliable, because I believe that this will actually make me unreliable – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that being unreliable or not, is not about what others think of me, it is about WHO I AM, it is about me standing with the physical, and acting according to what is mathematically best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be confirmed by another as reliable, not seeing, realizing and understanding, that in a way, this is me trying to escape from, and find a shortcut to real reliability, where I want others to give me this definition, instead of me developing, enhancing and pushing myself to confirm and define myself as reliability, doing it for myself, and seeing that I am in-fact reliable in who I am and in what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make my definition of reliable something that is personal to me, something that I am able to have control and direction over, and something that is meaningful to me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to have another see/define me as reliable, I stop myself, take a breath, and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that wanting another to see, define and view me as reliable is limiting me from actually developing reliability as an expression for and as myself – and thus I commit myself to focus on myself and my expansion/creation/living of reliability – where I focus on creating myself as this word through each time I react, become emotional, or charged with feelings, that I bring myself back here to my body, that I forgive, let go, and create a solution for myself


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Day 410: Self-forgiveness On The Fear of Being Judged and Desire to Be Liked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by the mainstream consciousness, to fear being judged and pushed out from the mainstream consciousness, to fear being seen as strange, weird, unsociable and being disliked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught in a conflict, where I on the one hand want to be like everyone else, I want to fit in, I want to be accepted, and on the other hand, I feel limited in that world, and I want to move, I want to expand, I want to push myself to go where I have not gone before, however, in order to do that, I must break social conventions, I must move myself outwards, I must embrace the courage to be different, and then actually live that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being different, and want to seek security and safety in being like everyone else, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself, to not see that I have a value, and that instead of seeking solace in others, I can stand as that point of solace within myself – where I hence push myself to be the stability in my life that I desire – to be the consistency in my life that I desire – to be the clarity in my life that I desire – to be the direction in my life that I desire – to be the purpose in my life that I desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for mainstream consciousness to give me permission to be me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I will not ever receive that permission – I must give it to myself – I must give myself permission to live me – to be me – to express myself – and hence I cannot wait for mainstream consciousness to change – instead I must change and move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear being judged by my neighbor – to fear being judged by those around me – to fear being judged by colleagues – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make these parts of my life more important and significant than myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution is the ‘force myself’ through the fears, through doing what I fear, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not, obviously the solution, as it will only create further separation, where I am not really dealing with the nature, the content of my fears, which is the real problem – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to really get through this inner conflict, I must deal with both polarities, both the positive of feeling like I mastered my fear, and the negative, of experiencing the fear, so that I can make a decision based upon common sense as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a purpose and direction that is one sided and through which I am able to draw attention to myself and my life – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a polarity of desiring to be famous and have a clear definition/purpose/place in the life of others – while at the same time existing in fear – petrifaction of being judged by others ad not having a clear and distinct purpose and point – but rather being pushed out from the lives of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to become a household name – to become famous in the eyes of others – to become recognized in the eyes of others – to become someone in the eyes of others that is seen as special – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to put me and my name out there for this reason – so that I can feel like I am doing something that others are able to see, recognize and commend me for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by a desire to be someone – instead of driving myself from within and as the starting point of sharing myself to as such have a positive impact in the life of others in the sense of sharing a lifestyle – a life – principles and a way of living that is best for all and that can contribute in the life of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being someone – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act and make decisions in my life to get out there – to market myself and my name so that I can feel like I have an impact – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my attention is in-fact not clearly focused – because the purpose of me and my life should not be to get my name out there – but rather to move and push points of support – to place support out there in the world in such a way that people are able to use it and apply it in their own lives – and how I do that – it is really not of any relevance in this case

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my desire to be famous and recognized override what is common sense – and as well override the purpose of why I share myself and my process – why I share my life – why I share who I am – which would be to assist and support others to expand and move themselves in their lives – to grow themselves – to become and stand as their full and complete potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become led astray by inner conflict of how I am perceived by others, what kind of stature I have in the eyes of others, instead of remaining clear on what I do, clear on who I am, clear on my purpose, which I see is the point that I must move myself from – that it is not about what I do – it is about who I am within what I do – it is about the purpose from within which I move and create myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain locked and diminished within and as a state and condition of fear of not being someone in the lives of others – and hence make decisions and move myself from within and as this fear – instead of remaining practical – remaining grounded – remaining physical – remaining HERE with and as my human physical body and understanding that I cannot really loose myself – and that it does not really matter whether I am known or not – it does not really matter what others think of me – what matters is that I in this life stand as part of the solution – bringing through a change in this world in WHO I AM – and then sharing myself within this so that others are able to do the same as what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place my focus – instead on assisting and supporting – to seeing where and how I am able to spend and utilize my time the most effectively to assist and support in creating a life and world that is best for all – and that does not necessarily need to be through my sharing myself on the web – having a blog – it does not necessarily need to be through becoming seen by others – it might just as well be in the unknown that I step forth and that I assist and support – it is a moment-to-moment point – where I must assess who I am and where I am – whether there is something that I can bring through that would assist and support others in their process and journey of self-creation

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into an inner conflict in relation to how I should move myself when it comes to sharing Desteni material, Eqafe interviews, my process with others, and I exist within that fear and anxiety of not being accepted, while still at the same time wanting and desiring fame, I take a breath, I stop myself, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I will not find a solution through going into my mind, into emotions, into feelings, that I will not see what is best for me or others by reacting, or fighting my reactions, and hence I commit myself to take a breath, stabilize myself, and then look at the point in clarity, to look at my purpose, to look at the entirety of my life, and assess within that starting point, how I can share myself, with the purpose of assisting and supporting others – and to find alternatives and other ways of sharing myself when I notice that it is not beneficial or supportive for me or others to share in a particular way

Day 282: A Hell of A Day

Today, I had a hell of a day. And with that, I mean that I had a day where I faced many new experiences, and reactions, of which, particularly one stands out – the desire to impress, and its polarity opposite, the fear of being useless.

I really enjoy the way that my work is challenging me when it comes to this point. Because my work currently is about tightly cooperating with others, and in that my efforts are continuously being evaluated, by myself obviously, and the benchmark of my evaluations is how I perceive that others see/receive my work. For instance today, I had a moment where I walked up to one of my colleagues, as we where to have a meeting, and it turned out that I was half an hour early to the meeting – lol. In that I moment I experienced a big fat embarrassment in my chest area, as well as a fear tightening my chest – because in that moment I perceived my actions/behavior as a weakness.

So, it is interesting how deeply ingrained this point is within me of wanting/desiring to be someone to another, and how severely it is limiting me. Fact is, that when I strive to be something for another, my experience of myself in what I am doing shifts from me, here, applying myself, to learn, expand and grow in my application, into a state of fear, where the murmuring backchat is of the following nature: ‘What do they think of me?’ – ‘Did I do this right?’ – ‘Did I make a fool out of myself now?’ – ‘Oh my god, they are going to dislike me forever now!’ – it is like a constant momentum of anxiety that I get pulled into that then defines my day, my work, and what I do.

And, the interesting part of this is that I know how much I could enjoy my work, and the learning experience I could create it to be, if I would be able to let go of my drive to please, and my fear of displeasing – because the work offers so much potential for learning, growing, expanding and becoming more effective. Really, it is similar to school, we constantly do things because others tell us to, and after a while it is all about the recognition, all about what others think of us, and not about our own expression/experience/momentum within what we are doing.

The solution is to redefine work, redefine living, redefine myself, from survival to living – and that means – understanding that life becomes so much more when the veils of fear are released and one is instead able to focus on the actual living, the actual participation, the actual interaction with life here – and one have energy, and space within to process this world, and all the information that is constantly moving. From what I see for myself, what stands in my way is fears and desires – very basic mental experiences that are stopping me from becoming what I can become. Because I do like my chosen profession, I do like the constant learning, expanding, and growing that exists within it – however to really access that potential fear must go.

However, I will not give up until I am able to stand, and walk in my chosen profession as an expression of real living, with no fear – that is my reference point – that is my goal and where I want to get to. Now the work begins to get there, which involves, applying self-forgiveness, and the specifying my corrective applications. Challenges, mistakes, faults, and errors are not meant to be feared – we are supposed to learn from them, grow, expand and welcome them into our lives, as they offer us an opportunity to become even more effective.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being appreciated by my colleagues or bosses – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon others appreciating me, others thinking that I am good, others defining me as being an asset, etc. and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this to myself

I recognize that I am an asset, that I have many qualities, skills and abilities that I can use to give and create a world that is better for all participants involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being outcasted by my colleagues and bosses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes – in the fear that my colleagues or bosses are then going to judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in fear of what that might lead to and create in my life in terms of future career opportunities – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed about my future – about what might come to pass – and forget about myself here in the moment – and the process that I am walking – and how I can in-fact use what I am doing to empower myself as an individual – however it is required then that I push the point of actually doing it for and as myself and not to satisfy my bosses and colleagues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my life when I am out in the system, working, creating relationships, and more, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this experience thinking that life is dangerous, that I need this fear to keep on my toes, not realizing that it’s not about need – it is about habit – and within that not realizing that I can create for more supportive ways of living and participating in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a reason as to why very few people are able to become knowledgeable and superior in their professional field is because the focus is elsewhere, the focus is not on learning, understanding and empowering oneself within the work one is doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to empower myself in my field, I must focus on the work, the field, and the learning of that work, that must be where my energy goes, and in this I cannot accept and allow fear to be a part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not presenting a good enough work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when my focus is on presenting a good work to another, then I am not actually focusing on the work that I am doing HERE – and how I can empower myself within the work that I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to remember is that what I focus on will grow – if I focus on what I fear – that will grow – if I instead focus on my relationship and application within the work that I do – then that will grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, when and as I notice that I am getting high strung at work, and I go into some form of a rush-energy, to take a moment to stop up, to go grab a cup of coffee, drink some water, or take a walk, and support myself to get out of that experience, or apply some self-forgiveness, stop up for some moments and ground myself back into my body, remind myself of my starting point, my why in the work that I am doing, to learn as much as possible, to expand, and empower myself within the field of law, to in the future be able to use this to create a difference in this world that will make life better for all human beings – that is my starting point – not fear – not anxiety – not worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, because I fear that my superiors are going to judge me, and that this will have ramifications for me in that I will not be able to get a job in the future, and feel secure and safe in my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with regards to money, and security, exist in this polarity, where I sometimes, usually when I get money, feel secure, safe, and sound, and then when I am at work, and I perceive that there is a risk I am not going to get money, go into fear, anxiety, and worry that I am not going to be able to survive, because I might become fired from my job – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my participation in this sense/feeling of security is actually creating the opposite polarity of fear, and anxiety – and hence I commit myself to let go of both of these polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my colleagues or bosses are cryptically judging, or showing their discontent with me, when they look a little angry, or say something that could be interpreted as them thinking that I am not good at what I am doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no point in caring what others think about me – what is important is that I know what I am doing – I know what I am pushing – I know what I am walking – and that I am walking to my utmost ability – and in that I know that I am doing what I can do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is that I must take ownership of my life, my work, my professional career, everything I do, make it mine and thus not anymore do it to satisfy another – but to create a purpose within it that I can walk, where I have my starting point, where I have my direction, and where I know/see how I am going to create myself within it all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to use my current work to learn as much about law and the legal system as I am able to – and I commit myself to focus my physical and mental energy on this process of learning, of understanding, and seeing the flaws, and mistakes, and the machinery of this system, and thus not anymore accept and allow fear to be a focus in my day-to-day living

When and as I notice that I am going into a state of rush, and inner speed, and where this is shown through becoming absent minded, forgetting things, and being generally incapable of focusing effectively, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that to ground myself back in my body, I require some moments for myself – I require some moments of breathing, applying self-forgiveness, and focusing myself back here – and thus I commit myself to give myself those moments – there is time for that – because I realize what a difference this will make for me – and how much more comfortable and relaxed I will be in my physical body as I get home – and how much more rested I will be as I wake up the next day – as I will not have abused and harmed my body through participating in stress, anxiety, and fear

I commit myself to walk my life with no fear, stress and anxiety, and show that it is possible to do this – and I commit myself to not fear mistakes

I commit myself to in relation to my profession, my career, to create a purpose within it, to thus create ownership in relation to all parts of my life, so that I am walking/creating for and as myself – walking and creating according to my plans, and according to what I see myself achieving in this life, and hence not within and as the fear of what my bosses, and colleagues might think about me – and thus I commit myself to take ownership in all parts of my life – to redefine who I am in the areas of my life where I notice that there is still fear and anxiety – as I understand that such reactions indicate that there is till a separation and that I have not effectively claimed ownership in relation to the point

Day 196: Center of Attention

When I’m in social situations, and I get into the center of the attention, I find myself often becoming anxious and tense.

When I’ve looked into this point in the past, I concluded that it must have something to do with me wanting give others a pleasurable time, and then I’ll feel pressured to look and behave in a happy and carefree manner. Though, I can see that there are more layers to this point – and one of the more prominent is this point of giving others the initiative and responsibility to value me.

It’s quite fascinating, because in these situations, my attention will go to the onlookers, to within that try and interpret how they are experiencing themselves, and I will in that make a value-judgment – where depending on how I perceive that the others experience themselves, I will change, and mold myself, and give myself a value, as either being successful, or not successful.

This way of dealing with situations consequently puts a lot of pressure on me, because there is this sense of fear of loosing control, and that in order to maintain my value, I must maintain the positive vibe within the onlookers. It’s all very limiting and obviously there are more effective ways to deal with these points – and the solutions seems apparent – to stop using others and my interpretation of their experience of me as the measurement of my value.

I presume, that in the bottom of this reaction lies a deep-rooted inferiority, because that is in a way what happens – I feel inferior towards giving myself my own value, worth and meaning – and instead wait for others to do this for me. Though, common sense is that I am a physical being – equal here with everyone else – and thus equally capable of giving and defining my own value and worth. This experience and idea of me as being inferior, and thus lacking the ability, and right to value myself – that is really not in anyway true – it’s a misconception.

Thus – in this blog I am going to work with self-forgiveness on inferiority, particularly inferiority in relation to me deciding my value and worth, and also the point of control, as trying to control how others perceive me in a moment where I am in the center of attention.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the center of attention, to go into a state of pressure, and anxiety, wherein I begin to experience a sense of being unsettled, because I am not sure as to how others are going to experience me, and whether I will be able to control the experience of others or not, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a situation of me being in the center of attention, as me trying and wanting to control the experience of others, instead of me expressing myself unconditionally within and as breath here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the center of attention, to go into tension trying to control, and make sure that I have each beings experience under my wand, and that I am the controlling factor of the outcome in the moment, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of control, and instead trusting myself in the moment, and expressing myself from within and as a starting point that I am here, with and as my human physical body, and regardless of how others experience themselves, I stand, I move, and I trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use control in order to feel stable when I am in the center of attention, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that control is actually a very limited form of expression, because control is always based in some form of underlying fear, wherein there exists a fear of a particular outcome, and there is no self-trust to move the moment as it emerge, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in control as a form of self-distrust, instead of accepting and allowing myself to practice self-trust, and practice moving and expressing myself in a state of being relaxed, comfortable and effectively aligned with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and obsessed about wanting to have control over how others experience, define, judge and perceive me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, because obviously – when all my focus and attention goes towards how I perceive others perceive me – then there is no room left within me for me to actually express myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is no actual need for me to exist within and as this state of tension to be able to effectively direct myself in social situations – and that I can instead trust myself – and move myself in the moment – with the people – express and share myself effortlessly and without this point of anxiety and worry constantly pressing in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how control is actually an illusion – how it’s not in-fact possible for me to control all people in my life – that it’s not possible for me to control, direct and make sure that I’ve got an absolute overview and direction over the participants in my world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even though I go into this state of tension, and anxiety, I can’t control and have an absolute power and direct over how others perceive and experience me in a moment of physical participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is not to go into fear and anxiety, and try to control my life and my world – the solution is rather that I take a breath and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – and that I restate and reclaim myself as self-trust – that I trust myself to in the moment act, live and walk – and that I don’t require a constant pressure within me to be able to effectively handle the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being inferior to others – and think that I am inferior and incapable of defining and deciding my own worth and value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this responsibility to others in my life and in my world – wherein I think that others are superior to me – and thus it’s up to them to place me in this world – and give me a position in this world – and define where and how I should move about and align myself in this world in order to be effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the responsibility of me being stable, and directive in my world – and giving myself my own value and worth to someone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this tendency and way of relating to myself through thinking that I am not the one to give me worth, value and meaning – that I am not strong enough, and that I’ve not gained the necessary life-experience to be able to with certainty place within me who I am – and my value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give others the responsibility to define me and value me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others by nature and birth have a higher value than me – and that they are supposed to give me my place and position in this world – because apparently I’m not good enough to do it for and as myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the ability and responsibility to define, value and place myself in this world – to make decisions for myself where I place myself – and not anymore accept and allow myself to give this responsibility to others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into tension, angst, and feeling unsettled as I am in the center of attention, I immediately stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment limiting myself and participating in control – and defining myself according to what I perceive others see in me – and thus I commit myself to let go of control and breath out – and relax my physical body – relax myself and trust myself – and realize that I don’t require another to define me – and give value to me – because I can simply stand by myself in this moment – in the stability that my human physical body provides and gives in each and every moment of breath – thus I commit myself to live self-trust – to place my attention in my chest area and release the tension I experience – and instead focus on the physical sensations of the moment

I commit myself to take responsibility to define and value myself – to give me purpose and direction – and thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand that this is my responsibility to gift to myself – and that I can’t expect and want anyone else to do it for me – thus I commit myself to stand as the point of equality within me – to realize that I ma not inferior or less than others – but that I am able and capable to stand equal with others and move myself within and as the purpose and direction that I’ve given tso myself

Day 190: Remember The Context!

Recently I’ve had several occasions when I’ve gone into a state of paranoia and fear due to perceiving and believing that someone dislikes me – and this is usually triggered by for example: Someone looking at me with a stern face, or me asking something that is not answered, or someone not paying attention to me in the way I perceive to be correct.

What happened yesterday was that I in class stretched my hand up in the hopes of my teacher picking me to answer one of his questions – though that didn’t happen and instead someone else got the honor of answering. The first place that my mind went to was that there was something wrong with me, that I’d done or said something wrong, that the teacher thought I was stupid, or that I’d somehow offended him, and this was his revenge. Obviously – the fascinating point here is that all of the above ideas are inferred from the one premise that ‘It’s about ME!’ – it’s PERSONAL.

Though, I can’t possibly be sure precisely why my teacher didn’t pick me to answer his question, and even though his reason was that he didn’t like me, why should I accept and allow that to have an affect on my presence and expression in school? I mean – I am not in school to get positive feedback from teachers – I am there to learn and educate myself in various subjects – and the more effectively I’m able to fulfill that purpose the better.

This is also an interesting aspect of taking things personal – that when we take things personal we become forgetful of the purpose or context of an event or moment. An example would be work – and the interaction with colleagues – because what I’ve noticed with myself is that suddenly the social life of the workplace starts taking precedence over the work I produce – and how others are towards me and how I personally experience myself comes into the foreground – not seeing that the context or purpose of being in employment is to effectively direct and move a particular point to completion (production).

Thus – the social life should obviously be in the backseat – and be there more as something that is done at breaks or when a project has been finished – but not be the main point that defines my entire experience and movement in a particular employment.

The same with school – the same with listening to my teacher – I am not there to be liked or establish social circles – I am there to learn – and I should rather establish my network and relate to the teachers from this perspective – looking at what will enhance and quantify my learning and comprehension of the material – it’s from that starting point I should move.

What I am able to see is that I require working and going deeper into this aspect of giving value to social life – and what others think of me – realizing that when I do this – I compromise the actual purpose of why I’ve placed myself in a particular point or position.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my teacher doesn’t assign me to answer his questions – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my educational environment personal – to make it about me personally – to make it about me wanting and desiring to have friends and to be liked by others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain within the actual purpose and context of placing myself in that particular position – which is to educate myself and learn – and not to be liked – not to win – not to gain favor from the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself within and as the purpose and context of why I’ve placed myself in a particular point – and realizing that when I am at work – I am there to produce an effective and precise product – and I am not there to gain friends or to be liked – the same with my teacher – that I am there to learn from him and acquire a particular understanding and comprehension of a subject – not to be liked and to feel favored by him – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally – and make things personal – instead of remaining objective and aligned within and as the context of the moment and the purpose of my position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and make things personal in school – and at work – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is ignoring me – or not paying attention to me the way I want them to – as being enthusiastic and enjoying me – to then take it personally and react – and think that they are being mean to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into and as a troubleshoot mode – wherein I am trying to locate what is wrong with me – what is at fault with me – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not about me personally and that what another do or doesn’t do – is not reflecting that there is something wrong or bad with me that I must immediately correct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being flawed and inferior in my expression – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone seems to dislike me – and ignore me – or not pay attention to me as I want to – to then believe that there is something wrong with me that I must immediately attend to and direct and make better – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make myself better so that others are going to like me – so that I can feel more at ease and comfortable with myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to give that point to myself – of accepting and allowing myself to like and love myself – and be at ease and comfortable with myself – without necessarily needing anyone to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I push to get attention from another – and then I am seemingly being ignored – to immediately go into thoughts and backchat of thinking that there is something wrong with me – and wonder what mistake that I’ve made in order to make someone dislike me this much – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it doesn’t even have to be about me – and that when I go into this troubleshoot mode – I am working with assumptions and ideas – and not the actual practical physical reality that is here – and thus I commit myself to stop such troubleshooting mind pattern – and see that it’s in-fact a form of self-judgment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of taking it personally, believing that someone dislikes me, or doesn’t want me in their world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I don’t need or require anyone to like me, appreciate me, or feel pleasured by me, I instead require stable and sound relationships so that I can walk through my days effectively and handle my responsibilities – and thus what is important is that I direct my responsibilities and my life – that I commit myself to my studies – my work – and my other points of responsibility – and that I align and direct myself from this starting point; and thus I commit myself to stop taking things personally – and instead look at the context of the moment and the purpose of my position in that moment – and align myself to go in that direction and thus not make my relationships with other emotional – but rather practical and supporting what I’ve set out to do and create in life

Day 189: Unconditional Socialization

Today I was having a discussion with one of my colleagues – and I noticed that I went into anxiety – in this blog I will open up this point.

So, for context – I was having a discussion – it was a calm and quite intimate discussion – I could see that both my colleague and me were enjoying the moment. Then – as we continued a slight anxiety began rising from within – and this anxiety then continued to rise and become bigger – and in the moment I found it difficult to stop and direct the anxiety.

I am able to see that what triggered this particular pattern was the way I’ve interpreted my colleague – I see him as a intelligible and as a person with highly effective cognitive abilities – thus as I was discussing with him – this fear that started to creep up from within was whether he enjoyed our discussion, whether it was stimulating him, or whether he felt that I was being boring, and not sufficiently intelligent and witty to be of service to him.

Thus – what is fascinating to see here is the starting point of my interaction – which is to serve and to be liked – with the hope that if another likes me I will feel accepted and gain a sense of self-worth. The consequential outflow is that I will not allow myself to express and share the real me – because inside there will be this ubiquitous and underlying fear – permeating my body and acting as this disturbing force that thwarts me from being able to express and share myself in the moment.

What I must establish is thus – that when I choose to speak and interact with another – that I do it as myself – realizing that when I go into this conversation or interaction I will not gain self-worth – I am that already – and I enter into this conversation as self-worth and share that of myself with another – thus I give as I’d like to receive; where it’s not anymore about me getting from what another what I’ve not yet given to myself – but that I instead give to myself and contemporaneously give to another – as I express, live, and share the real WHO I AM.

Within this I must understand that it’s not about me entertaining another – satisfying another – pleasing another – being a good company – or sufficiently witty and intelligent to keep friends – rather I accept myself unconditionally – and I enter into a moment of socialization unconditionally – with all of myself fully present and aware – where there are no more pieces of myself that I require another to give to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach socialization, and interaction from within and as a starting point of wanting to be likable – and wanting to make friends and positive acquaintances – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand how I am compromising myself – as well as the relationship with another – because I am not allowing myself be natural – and share who I am – and instead I am sharing a censured version of myself that I hope will receive positive attention – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rather make the decision within myself to approach others and relationships from a starting point of self-confidence and self-worth – where I share myself unconditionally and realize that I am already fulfilled and that I don’t need and require another to fulfill me for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this sneaky and underlying thoughts of: “What will he/she think of me – when I share myself with them?” – “Do he/she enjoy me?” – “Am I being sufficiently entertaining and witty to continue to keep this other person in my company?” – and realize that when I accept and allow these thoughts to define me – and I participate within them – I am compromising myself – and my relationship with another – and I creating the moment to be less than it’s full potential – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately correct myself – through taking a breath – and grounding myself into and as my human physical body – and then share and express myself from within and as the silence of my human physical body – as me being completely grounded and stable in and as the presence of me as a physical body expressing myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach interaction – and socialization from within and as a starting point of wanting to make sure that I get positive attention from another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a limiting starting point – and that I am able change this – to instead of me approaching from a starting point of what I can receive and get from another – to instead approach from a starting point of looking at what I am able to give – and share and express as myself that will be supportive and that will fulfill the potential that exist in the moment to create life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy to interact and move myself from within and as that starting point – and intently believe that I am inferior and subservient – not realizing that it’s a decision that I make – and that I able to re-align this decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow anxiety to be the starting point of my participation and interaction – I am limiting myself and the moment – and thus I commit myself to practically apply stopping these experiences and the underlying thoughts immediately as the arise – and immediately re-align myself into the correction of participating and interacting in the moment from a starting point of me being an equal and one participant – that I neither stand to loose or gain anything – but that I am here – sharing my natural and unconditional expression in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and afraid of someone that is intellectual and have effective cognitive abilities – and believe that because someone is effective in their thinking and usage of the mind – that I am because of that inferior and limited from being stable – and expressing myself in the moment – clearly and with stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of sharing and expressing myself from within and as a starting point of equality – and seeing that regardless of intellect – where from the same dust – believe that I must enter into this and move myself from within inferiority – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision within me in each moment of participation – that I am an equal – that I will not accept and allow myself go into and become subject to anxiety and inferiority – but that I will instead express – share and move myself naturally – within and as my natural self-expression – and not accept and allow myself to be moved by whether or whether I perceive that another likes me, or feels interest in me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be worried and fearful that someone that I perceive to have an effective and highly functional intellect is going to see through me – and is going to make the assessment that I am not sufficiently smart, witty or intelligible to be his or hers friend – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require to friendship – and the recognition from another – that I am liked – that I am a positive and recognized part of their world – for me to love and accept myself – for me to share and express myself in the moment – unconditionally – naturally and within and as self-comfort and self-enjoyment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I enter into inferiority, subservience, and fear – as I am approaching, or talking with, or interacting with a person in my world that I perceive to be intelligent, and to have a highly effective cognitive ability – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to correct myself and express myself from within and as equality and oneness – realizing that I am an equal to another – thus there is no need for me to impress – to be accepted – to be welcomed and embraced – and I commit myself to instead give that to myself – to breath myself back into and as my human physical body – to stabilize myself – and ground myself here – and express myself from within and as that groundedness and stability that the human physical body supplies

I commit myself to approach others and interact from within and as a starting point of being unconditional – and not accept and allow myself to be worried about whether or whether not I am liked – appreciated – or embraced – to instead place focus and attention ME and what I accept and allow within me – and make sure that I stop any fear and anxiety that emerge within me – that I immediately correct myself and move myself to interact and participate from within and as a starting point of being grounded – stable – and clear within me

Day 170: Successful people… and ME!

Today I was hanging out with some friends and we were discussing career and future decisions, and appropriately enough, we happened upon the subject of what jobs we’ve had in the past. My friend then shared with me that he’d been to a renowned firm, a company that is big, and have a celebrated past, and actually: most of my fellow classmates probably have dreams about setting their foot in such workplace.

When my friend shared this with me I got literally stung with jealousy, I mean, it came up nothing short of a punch in my solar plexus area – and the nature of the experience was: NO! – lol – “He got it and not me!” – “I wanted to get it!”.

As they day continued, I noticed these peculiar thoughts popping up in my mind, where I could see that I compared myself to my friend, looked at my past, my education, my decisions, my life in general, and what type of opportunities that I’d manifested for myself, and then compared these with what I heard about my friend. And in doing this, I could see that I was taking myself into a experience of gloominess, and depression, and it felt as if I was attacking myself within, punishing myself that I didn’t create myself in the same way as my friend, and that I thus didn’t make sure that I go the same type of job, and the same type of life that my friend was about to step into.

So, if I take this back to common sense, and look at it, I am able to see that this friend of my represents my desires, and he shows me very clearly where I still exist within a state of competition, a state of fear, and a state of survival, and where I try to get ahead of others in order to feel good about myself, and to prove myself – and this is obviously not the point in life, it’s obviously not the point of why I am here – I mean, what purpose does it in-fact serve to get a super-good job, only to have that job and to feel better than others? It’s really meaningless and probably one of the big reasons why we human-beings have never managed to actually change anything in our world, because we’ve always been super-concerned with wanting to win, compete, and survive – so super-concerned that we’ve totally forgotten ourselves, our world, this system, our responsibilities and how it is that we’re affecting life on this planet with our actions.

Thus, my self-forgiveness today will be directed towards this particular point of competition, the competition that leads into jealousy, the jealousy being that point of feeling like a looser because another have something that I desire and want – and in this case: having a position in the world system that I’ve defined as envious and desirable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous at another for having a job that is considered to be advantageous and desirable in the world system, and that is seen as being connected with having status, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to place myself in an equal position as this other person, and have a similar job, and have a similar career, and be in the top of the system, so that I am able to feel like I am winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my decisions, and movement in life on the basis of wanting to be a winner, and wanting to come out on top and in this not care about life, about this world, about humanity in its entirety but only care about myself, my desires, my experiences, and my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way wherein I only care about myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a desire of wanting to place myself in the top brackets of the system, and have a job that others see as desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress upon others and show them how much status and power I’ve in the system so that I can feel like I am winner, and that I am better than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this particular point is coming from within and as a desire to be special, and to be unique, and to be termed, defined, and seen as a winner, and as being more than others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied and content with being equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist equality, because in equality no one is better than another, no one has more stature, status or power than another, all are on the same level, and all are of the same value and worth, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in competition, desire, and wanting to be the best, instead of realizing that my life will not contribute to anything when and as I accept and allow this to be my starting point, and my direction in life, and what I want to have, and what I want to create, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my focus, and my direction, to instead start caring about others, start appreciating others, and making my life to be about changing, and contributing, and making a difference, and creating a life of worth, and value in this world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a dog in a dog eat dog world – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this game, to identify and define myself according to this game, and to believe that the only way to lead one’s life in this world is through playing this game, and making sure that I win this game, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body, and instead of living to win, live in such a way that I make everyone a winner, that each person that comes into my world is an equal, that each human being that exists in this world is an equal and thus deserves an equal opportunity, and an equal life, just as I do – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the desire and strife to become more than others, instead of focusing my life upon how I am able to assist and support others, how I am able to assist and support life to come through, and become something more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a glorious career wherein I am seen by others as having a perfect life, having the perfect girlfriend, having the perfect family, having the perfect intellect, having the perfect personality, being successful and famous in each and every instance and part of my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to change my striving, and instead strive to create, and found a difference in this world – and make my life to be about something tangible, something that I am able to touch, and have impact in this life, not only living for myself, and having my life become perfect, and desirable, but creating a life for all that is truly respectable, and dignified, and that all enjoy and where no one is compromised or left behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire my life, and my future to be perfect, so that I can brag to others about, and feel superior, and above others in how effective, and strong I was in creating my perfect future, and my perfect life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in desire, instead of making the focus in my life to be about contributing to an existence, and a world, and a life that is heaven on earth – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to align my mind, and my daily living, and my daily considerations to take into account this aspect of actually making something worthwhile with my life, wherein worthwhile is not only something that means that my life is to be the best that it can be, but that I contribute to make sure that everyone’s life is the best life that they can possibly have – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that having an active mind is really only showing me that I am still selfish and that I don’t really care about another – and thus I commit and push myself to start caring about life – start caring about others – and making me an instrument of life that is here to contribute to life and a future that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my life, with my future, and with my career, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without consideration, without regard, without care, only focus on myself, instead of accepting and allowing myself to expand my perspective, and my view to include this world, humanity, earth, the animals, and everything that is here, and realize that in order to live a fulfilling life I require to give as I’d like to receive, I require to be a catalyst that makes life worthwhile not only for myself but for everyone in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to walk out of my self-interested mind and into physical equality – wherein I look at another as myself, I place myself in their shoe’s and I accept and allow myself to take responsibility for this world and how it has ended up looking – and as such commit myself to become a contributory force that lives to expand and create a life that is best for all – that means something – and that allows for life to flourish and grow to it’s utmost potential

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into future projections, wherein I dream about my career, about my life, my future, my potential, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it’s through these dreams that I separate myself from the rest of humanity, from the rest of this existence, and from the rest of earth, and that in order to really contribute, I require to let go of my ego and my desire to win, and be special; and thus I commit myself to train myself to consider others, to care for others, and I commit myself to make my purpose in life to be that of contributing to the lives of others and to life on earth

I commit myself to daily selfless acts wherein I participate, walk and move myself to bring about a world that is best for all – where I act – and I move not for my own pleasure or satisfaction – but for the betterment of everyone – to create a world that is magnificent

I commit myself to expand my viewpoint and to include the rest of this world – and I commit myself to first train this point with learning to care about those closest to me in my world – and learning to show, share and live compassion with those that are in my immediate environment – and then expand this point to include the rest of this world and humanity