Tag Archives: limit

Day 403: Why Wait?

For some time I have been dealing with an inner experience of depression/negativity/sadness when it comes to work, in the sense that I have experienced much resistance towards working, and felt is I am being limited in the routine/repetitiveness that is part of my job. To assist and support myself through this point I have been applying self-forgiveness, mostly in the car while on my way to work, and today I made a breakthrough in that I had a realization as to the nature and purpose of depression and how it limits me from creating my life.

See – I have realized that depression is in a way a secret/undercover method of giving up upon on myself and moving myself. Because the interesting thing about depression is that it feels like it is too late. However, the truth of the situation is that I am still alive, still breathing, still able to move, make decisions, utilize opportunities, and push myself to move forward. Thus – the purpose and function of depression is to make it seem as if is to late – which then serves as a easy way out to not have to go through the challenges, the ups and downs, and the difficulties of actual change.

When I saw this, I at the same time saw the solution – which is to simply give to myself HERE that which I perceive is too far away, that which I perceive is too late for me to decide upon and live. For example, in my case, one of the points I have felt and experienced myself as being too late to take on is the point of engaging more with people, getting to know them, talking with them, and pushing myself to over-all, be more social in my life. Thus the solution is to immediately take the point on. Why wait? There is no reason to wait until a ‘good opportunity’ comes by – no – rather I can push being social through engaging in the discussion on Facebook that I see, or talking and pushing myself to open up with the first colleague I meet in the kitchen in the morning.

The biggest illusion I have ever created for myself is that change will be here tomorrow. That is not so – real change will only ever be realized HERE – hence – if I am depressed because there are expressions that I am not living – then those expressions must be brought HERE – created HERE – realized HERE – in this moment – in this breath.


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Day 62: Touch and Natural Physical Expression

Some days ago I visited Denmark, and I got to meet with my partners family. It was interesting because I noticed that my partner’s family was much more physically expressive than my own. They touched each other frequently, and they were not at all embarrassed to express that they liked, or enjoyed each other’s presence through touch.

26333-touch-screen-with-a-fingerIt was cool to see because in that I could reflect myself back to myself, and see how I’ve not ever experienced myself in such a way towards physical touch. I mean, through most part of my life, even with close family members, I’ve really not at all been comfortable with touch. I’ve connected touch to embarrassment, and fear – and in a way I look at touch as being something sexual in nature, and per definition it must apparently then be bad.

So, it was interesting to see this example of people being comfortable touching each-other, comfortable moving their bodies without worrying, and fearing that they might hit into each other – and I see that this is something I would very much like to apply in my own life – that is: allowing myself to be comfortable, and at ease in my body, and touching people when I see that the opportunity is here, and it happens naturally and without trying to force it. I mean, so what I would really like to do is simply open up that point of expression in myself, as allowing myself to enjoy being touched, and enjoy touching others, and allowing myself to be more expressive with my human physical body.

That is also something I observed with my partner’s family – they were very expressive, and open in their physical living. Now, this was also interesting from the perspective that it showed me how much I’ve really been brainwashed, and how limited my world-view have become due to me having grown up in a particular family, and isolated myself to only trust, and look at points the way my family look at points. Culture is really one of these great prisons, were people tend to become what their parents lived without ever asking themselves if that is what they’d like to do themselves; and in the end people tend to accept their culture as themselves, not ever understanding that culture is not who they are, but merely a program that they have accepted as themselves – a IDEA that they have adopted, and that they believe they are; but look at the graves – those dead people hold no cultural identity because they are all equal in the physical simplicity that they will decompose and re-unite with earth.

The one real culture on earth has been forgotten, and that is the culture of the earth, the culture of natural living, the realization that all physical forms come from the same substance – and thus we are in-fact one and the same; but we’ve separated ourselves from each-other through thinking, and it’s in thought that we’ve created such a ludicrous thing as culture.

I mean, I am a Swedish person, and one cultural trait of swedes is that most of us are like petrified to touch each other, to be physical, and we’re also afraid of conflict. Obviously these are thus patterns that I require to transcend, and move through – to make sure that I am not but a pattern of my environment – but that I am a self-willed individual, self-created, and that I’ve created all parts of myself as how I want them to be, because it’s common sense as what is best for all – and not just because someone have told me that “this is the correct and right way to be”.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of touch, to be afraid of being expressive, and comfortable with my human physical body, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my human physical body to “wrongfulness” – to think that the physical body, and sexuality is something sinful and bad, and to within this fear being hedonistic as in allowing myself to appreciate the senses, and the experiences of my human physical body, thinking and believing that they are in essence bad, and evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching another, and to fear being touched, and to associate touch with sexuality, and to within this define and look at sexuality as being something bad, and something wrong, and as such, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here with and as my human physical body, and to fear expressing myself naturally, and be at ease with my human physical body, and to allow myself to experience what is here fully through my senses, and to not judge the point of enjoying my senses, enjoying what I touch, what I express, and what I am here as physically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, and define enjoying the physical as being bad, and being sinful, and being wrong – and to think and believe that I shouldn’t enjoy the physical, I shouldn’t enjoy being here with and as my human physical body, because apparently my human physical body is sinful, and that the “spirit” is apparently more clean, and more pure, and more holy – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is the lie, and that in-fact the spirit is nothing but the deliberate separation from reality, as the physical – and the deliberate separation from responsibility, and physical consideration that is real; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here to the physical, back to my body – and to understand that it’s my body that gives me life, it’s my body that gives me opportunity to experience myself, and be here – and thus I obviously have a responsibility to honor and support my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and see my human physical body as a problem, and as something that I will feel relieved of not having anymore when I die – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is a complete deception, and a complete lie, and that in-fact the point of importance, and the point of relevance in this physical existence is my human physical body, and that it’s only through standing one and equal with and as my human physical body that I will have any form of life, any form of actual experience, as all other points are merely energy, are delusion, are points created in my mind without understanding that reality is physical and not consisting of and as energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to become spirit and let go of my physical, thinking that I will become more pure in letting go of my human physical body; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is a lie – and that letting go of the physical is in-fact allowing myself to die and become a illusion because only the physical is real – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge touch, and judge sexual physical expression as bad, and to within this think that when I do not anymore have a point of enjoyment when I touch, or participate in sexual expression – that I am then more pure, and more holy – instead of realizing that this is merely judgments, indicating that there is no clear understanding as to the magnificence of the human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, and define the human physical body as being wrong, as thinking that I should not be in this physical body because it apparently makes me less pure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, and hold unto a belief that the physical represents impurity, and that the physical is in a state of degradation, that I should avoid, and that I should discipline, and make sure that I don’t become tainted by this impurity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the physical is real – that the physical is in-fact purity because it’s HERE DIRECT and without any agenda, or backchat, or secret intention – the physical is HERE and that is the definition of purity – meaning ONE substance – meaning ONE here; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that there is nothing bad, or wrong with touching, and that it’s in-fact unnatural to fear touching, that it’s unnatural to experience embarrassment towards touch – and that being natural is in-fact allowing myself to express myself with my human physical body without holding unto any experience – but simply being physical HERE with and as myself in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as expressing myself through touch, through associating touch to embarrassment, and fear – in thinking that touch is something bad, and when I touch someone something bad, and wrong might happen – and that I might become ridiculed, abused, or laughed at when I touch another, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to infest, and infect the meaning of touch to hold more than the actual meaning of touch, wherein I’ve defined touch to be a point of energy, and a point of association, instead of seeing touch here within and as oneness and equality – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the actuality of touch is simply me touching, and sensing what is here – and that it’s nothing more but that – it’s not something I need to connect to a experience, but it’s simply a physical point of expression that in itself holds no emotional, or feeling-value

Self-commitment

When and as I see that I go into fear, and anxiety of expressing myself with my body as touch, as allowing myself to be sexual as in allowing myself to be HERE as my senses, as my physical body interacting fully with this physical moment here; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I’ve defined the physical, that I’ve defined physical self-movement, and application as being something bad, and wrong, and evil, and immoral – while this is not the case because the physical is the most pure, most real, and most magnificent substance that exist; and as such I commit myself to honor my human physical body, and myself as physicality through expressing my human physical body unconditionally, and fully – through touch, through being here with my senses, and through appreciating the physical points of interaction that are here in every moment

When and as I see that I am judging, and looking at physical interaction, and movement as something bad, and something impure, and evil – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that the physical is simply the physical, and that there is nothing bad, wrong, immoral, or evil about the physical – but that it’s me as the mind that I’ve interpreted the physical as being this, but there is no facts stating that this interpretation is true; as such I commit myself to be HERE with and as my human physical body and not try to be more, or try to escape my body – but to appreciate the physical beastliness and actuality of being here as my human physical body – because that is real life, and real living

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