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Day 324: Did I Do Something Wrong?

In this blog I am going work on the following mind pattern: Some days ago I faced a situation in which I thought that I was given a spare part to my tractor by a friend of mine. However, my friend clarified that he was not giving me the part but expected to get money in return. In that moment I felt embarrassed, and vulnerable, and thought to myself that I should have known! How could I have expected him to give me this part! Throughout the rest of that day I returned to this moment in my mind, and each time, what came up within me was this experience of embarrassment, ridicule, and feeling stupid. Several times I thought that my friend must think that I am an ass, that expected to get this part for free.

I am going to look at this pattern through asking myself four questions: How am I? What am I? Why am I? Who am I? – and through these questions walk the mind-pattern, and define a practical solution for myself that I can apply real-time.

How am I?
In the situation that I described above I felt nervous, tense, inferior, and vulnerable. I believed that the people around me thought badly of me, that they did not like me, and that they saw flaws in me. I was worried they were going to spot a weakness and use that to their advantage, speak about me behind my back. I judged myself because I did not have a casual and relaxed approach to my friend wanting money for the spare part.

What am I?
In the situation, I am not expressing myself to my fullest potential, rather I am standing as an example of a reaction, of holding back, and not accepting and allowing myself to live fully.

Why am I?
I am here on this earth to learn about myself, to see, understand and correct my patterns, and hence, this situation is an excellent opportunity for me to expand me insight and self-knowledge. I am here to live fully, and hence, I see, realize and understand, that this small moment, and my reaction within it, is insignificant in the large picture, and thus not something that I should make a big deal out of within myself.

Who am I?
To correct this pattern, I am to live self-acceptance and light-heartedness – allowing myself to NOT take things to seriously – allowing myself to not be right – to do something that is seen as socially unacceptable or bad – and still – accept and LOVE myself. Thus – the solution is to stand unconditional in my self-love – and to live that practically through STOPPING the judgments – and instead SMILING at the point – and accepting and allowing myself to let it go through relaxing myself with my body – relaxing my muscles and bringing myself back here.

Self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too serious about how I am perceived by others, and judge myself when and as I perceive that others have created a negative judgment about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value what others think of me, and define myself according to how I believe others see me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a demand unto myself – that I am to be calm, stable and relaxed when it comes to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that I have perceived to be greedy or misers when it comes to money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge me the same way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be judged as a miser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving the impression that I am a miser – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-compensate through being generous to the extent where I am compromising myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have a good impression of me and like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to love me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek comfort, acceptance and value in others – and not trust myself – and stand by myself regardless of what might play out in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand by myself – but abandon myself when I perceive that others are against me – and then fight with myself – instead of accepting myself – and loving myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as flawed and inferior – and thus seek others approval in the belief that this will raise my value – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally – and understand that my value is constant HERE – that nobody outside of me can determine my value – because my value is HERE as me by the fact that I am here within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for approval in others instead of approving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace that I have a problem with money when it comes to giving and receiving – and that this is not something to judge – but instead something to understand – so that I can correct the point and develop a common sense – equal and one relationship with money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my problems – the things I have to work on within myself – and understand that they are not bad – but simply weak spots that I require to understand and correct – and hence I commit myself to LOVE myself unconditionally – through NOT judging my weak points

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself judging myself, because I have reacted towards either giving, or receiving money, in fear, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I do have problems with money – and this has got nothing to do with others – and the reactions I perceive they have towards this point is not relevant – what is important is that I understand my issue and move myself to direct – for myself – and thus I commit myself to UNDERSTAND my problem with money – to FOCUS on MYSELF – and to approach my issue within unconditional self-acceptance

I commit myself to be curious about my issues and investigate them unconditionally – to not judge – instead LEARN and UNDERSTAND

I commit myself to replace judgment with curiosity and interest towards learning more about myself and the issues I have – in this case with money


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Day 265: Knowing and Not Knowing

i-knowIn conversations with others, these following words are quite common: ‘I know’ and ‘I don’t know’ – and usually they will arise within self as a reaction. With this I mean that the statement will not be an actual, factual, and objective statement that we make in a moment, instead our words will come from within and as an energetic movement in our solar plexus.

Let us begin with the statement ‘I don’t know’ – now for me – this many times comes up almost automatically, immediately. If someone asks me a question that I cannot answer, without for a moment, stopping up, and looking at it within me, then I will say ‘I don’t know’. Though the truth here is not that ‘I don’t know’ – what I am really saying is more: ‘I do not want to/feel like looking more deeply at this point’ – and then I use the get out of jail free card: ‘I don’t know’. Hence, the statement ‘I don’t know’ is actually something that I use as a excuse, to not stop up, and look deeper at a point – to not for a moment introspect and be truly inquisitive and investigate the why/how of something.

A way to correct this relationship with ‘I don’t know’ is to instead, as we want to speak these words, stop for a moment, and really allow the question asked to sink in, and see whether we are in-fact able to find the answer. If we after that process of self-investigation say ‘I don’t know’ – it will be the genuine truth of ourselves. Though if we do not push ourselves to walk that process of self-investigation, then our words ‘I don’t know’ will be as false idol – and not the actual representation of ourselves in a moment.

When it comes to the words ‘I know’ – there is an interesting difference. Often we speak these words when we feel that we already know what is being shared with us. Then even though the other person has only but begun talking, we interfere and exclaim that ‘I know’! Here as well it is a matter of speaking words that are not a real representation of who we are in a moment – because is it true that we know? Well, we might feel like we know, yet how can we possibly see what another will share/speak before they have been given the time to finish what they started?

Hence, the words ‘I know’ is actually a form of resistance, and when I speak these words, it is because I feel distressed and bored with having to hear something that I feel/experience I have already heard and established within myself – not understanding that there might be something new to be learned/realized – that I am now missing out on because I exist within and as this state of resistance/fear.

Thus, to redefine ‘I know’ into something supportive, what we can do is to, as someone is speaking/sharing something that we feel familiar with, give ourselves the time to really listen, and the person the time to really share themselves and their point until they are finished. And then when we have listened to the entire story, we can with clarity establish within ourselves, whether, or whether not we already know this. We might not even feel the need to share with the person that we ‘already know’ – we can simply conclude within that this information is already firmly established within self and thus nothing that I require to hold unto.

What is common ground with these two SOLUTIONS is the fact that they involve taking a moment to stop, to breathe and release the need to haste, and stress to the next moment – to instead be HERE and look more deeply – penetrate what is apparent and reveal that which is under the surface. It is fascinating how such a small moment of change/alteration can have a big impact within ourselves/lives – though really – what is life but these small moments of change/direction – that is what constitutes who we are – and through changing these small building blocks of life – we are actually changing ourselves/our world/this world system.

Day 139: Emotion as Divergence Tactic

Today my partner confronted me about how I didn’t in a moment consider all the possible outflows of my words, and how I’ve within that had created a risk that people in my world might create assumptions, ideas, and backchat, and start to formulate their own opinions about what I had said, and in that subsequently compromise themselves in some way. The fascinating aspect of this moment was that, as my partner was speaking to me, the experience that began to grow, and take precedence over all other things was that of me feeling hurt, and criticized.

As the moment was done, and the things had been said, all I could think was that my partner somehow didn’t say this nicely enough, and that she wasn’t sufficiently gentle, and forbearing. When I got the time I thus started to apply self-forgiveness on the point, and at first I focused on the emotions – feeling hurt, feeling sad, and criticized – I continued to apply self-forgiveness, yet there was something that wasn’t right, there was a dimension I was missing – so I looked at the point again.

What I could see was fascinating, because what had happened since the instance of my partner confronting me in regards to a particular physical application of mine, was that my full attention had gone into the direction of looking at the reactions, the emotions and the thoughts that had come up in that moment. So, in effect, I had completely circumvented the point that my partner shared with me, not given that point a single thought, and instead focused everything on my experience.

I saw in that moment that this is obviously a escape mechanism, that allows me to run away from that which is relevant, and to instead focus upon that which isn’t really relevant at all, which was me feeling hurt, and sad – those emotions I could simply breathe through – yet this physical point was in-fact that which revealed to me a opportunity for practical self-change – and that point had very conveniently disappeared from the ambit of my awareness in a maelstrom of emotions.

As I became aware of this point I re-directed my self-forgiveness application to deal with the actuality of what my partner had confronted me with, and in doing this some fascinating realizations opened up – and I realized that the main point that this moment had showed me was actually how didn’t accept and allow myself to live the word consideration – in making sure that when I speak and express myself – that I put a guard before my mouth – and that I don’t speak on a whim – but that I am instead considering what I am about to say and looking at whether what I am about to say would have adverse consequences for others – and then speaking.

The main lesson learned here is thus that, emotions are not the end-point, and more often than not we actually use emotions to cover up the essential realizations that a physical consequence or moment is giving to us straight up in our faces – thus – what I must practice is to become more attuned with physical reality – and dare to immediately let go of the emotions coming up as I face a physical point, so that I can see, and deal with the reality of what is here, and thus quantify my process of physical self-change.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how emotions is not the end point, and is not that which hides the actual practical correction, and realization, but is merely the energetic compounded effect that I require to release, to then get into the specifics and the actual physical nature of a point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of focusing upon the support and assistance shared with me in a moment, to give my attention to the emotions that I experienced coming up within me, that make all and everything in that moment to be about my experience, so that I can apparently have a valid excuse as to why I do not require to look at this particular point that my partner is sharing with me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is one of defense and protection mechanisms that the mind use to make physical reality elusive, and obviously something that I allow, and play along with so that I don’t have to face myself, and deal with myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice, and will myself to master the skill of immediately letting go of experiences that come up within me, so that I can focus and dedicate myself to see what is here, and direct myself according to what is here, and as such quantify my process of self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when an emotion come up within me, it indicates that there is a problem existing within me at a deeper level, and that the emotion is not the end of it all, and in some contexts the emotion is simply a diversion mechanism for me to not face what is here, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make sure that I don’t get caught in emotions, but at all times remain clear on the point that the actual point of importance is physical self-change, and physical self-direction – actual in a moment directing myself to step up and stand up from within and as my mind and become a self-motivated human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give attention to what goes on in my mind upon the basis of what I experience to be relevant, what I experience to be a ‘big point’ – and what I experience as being uncomfortable, and making me uneasy, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take a look at my physical world and reality, at my physical living and application of myself, to see where in my world, and in how I live, that there is the most acute need for attention due to how a particular mind-point influence me on a physical level – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself push hard points that are merely thought and experience based, and give in, and give up on points that are physically manifested in my body as automated reactions, instead of realizing that it’s these latter points that I should give my attention to, and that are important for me to walk through and direct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at the end of the day, what is relevant, what is important, and what is actually influencing my life the most, are points that are manifested on a physical level, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give priority and attention to these points that actually influence me physically, that have my body change, that have my heart rate change, that have my general beingness experience of myself change, and with these smaller points such as emotions that come up sporadically, or thoughts doing the same, to simply in the moment let them go and shift myself back into and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s very specific that the mind induces and allures me to focus on thoughts, and emotions, and that which feels difficult and hard, because it effectively nullifies any attempt of mine to change physical points of behavior that are much more influential, and consequential than merely mental points that have not yet accumulated into physical response patterns, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not re-structure my priorities in regards to process, to make sure that I place the most of my times and the most of my support, and assistance, on walking through those points which are physically manifested characters and behaviors which do not support me, or others in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when another is speaking to me, and pointing something out to me, to in that moment make the decision to listen unconditionally, to realize that it might be a point that is personally about me, but that it’s just a part of me, and not the whole of me – it’s not the entirety of me that is wrong, or bad – it’s just a application of mine that hasn’t been effective – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally in that moment take a look at myself, to question myself, to question my intentions, my behaviors, my outlook, and my perspectives, to see whether or whether not what is shared is in-fact so – I mean I have nothing to loose and all to win in applying this particular practical application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I am confronted by another in regards to my behavior, to in that moment push myself to really listen, to really HEARE – to be HERE – and to accept and allow myself to unconditionally and without wanting to hold unto any idea and perception of who I am – listen to the information and allow myself to consider it and take into me without any fear – because I realize that there is really nothing to loose – and if the information happens to be ineffective and I would apply it anyway – this is something that I would be able to see and then correct at a later stage; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to let go of any idea of myself – and who I am – and where I am – and accept and allow myself to humble myself – because I see, realize and understand that only through humbling myself will I be able to learn and expand and grow in my process of self-expansion and self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I perceive that another is being reactive, or angry in the way they are confronting me with a particular point, to use that as a reason for why I am now allowed to feel hurt, and to focus all my attention and awareness on my experience of feeling hurt, instead of see, realizing and understanding that whether another is reacting, or not reacting, it’s not relevant to my process of self-change, that I must discipline myself to make sure that at all times I remain here – and I dare to face the points that come up in my day to day life and living – to as such quantify my process so that I am able to change and birth myself as life from the physical

Self-commitments

When and as I am being confronted by another in regards to a particular points, and I notice I am reacting in feeling hurt, and sad, and criticized, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in giving my attention, focus and awareness on the emotional experience, I am in-fact missing out on a moment of self-expansion, and self-movement, wherein I could in-fact learn something, and see a new dimension, and aspect of myself that I haven’t yet considered – and as such I commit myself to focus upon what another is saying – and to look within me and embrace the information and take it in me unconditionally – and consider it without any fear of loosing myself – because I realize that I can’t loose myself – but I can loose out on this moment of self-expansion through making it a moment dedicated to reaction instead of life as living

When and as I see that I am entirely focusing upon the emotion coming up within me in regards to a particular moment, or a point that I am looking at, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that – yes – the emotion must be dealt with and released – yet the actual point of self-expansion and self-movement will not be found in the emotion but I must go deeper and look at the very origin point of the emotion – the structure within me through which I’ve created the emotion – and as such I commit myself to through self-forgiveness, and writing – go deeper into the points I am working with – to clear the initial experience of emotion or feeling – but then push myself to go deeper into the point and look at the timeline, the thoughts, the memories, and the how of the experience, and how I can correct it in real time, and anchor self-change in the physical through practical, physical living

Day 120: Communication and Awareness

communicateOne point that I have worked with lately is communication and in that self-expansion. This point opened up through listening to Eqafe interviews, as well as reading the blogs from others – and what was pointed out and shared in these was how we tend to not see how little we in-fact communicate with others in our world. We instead go through our life’s taking everything and everyone for granted and even with those closest to us we seldom strike up a conversation wherein we are aware, present, here – listening and hearing what another is sharing.

The practical correction that I have applied is thus the simple point of communicating more – in particular with those people that I do meet every day but that I have not allowed myself to see and get to know. One example is the shopkeeper in the kiosk nearby where I live. I have been buying things from this guy for several years, yet not once have I asked him where he is from, whether he likes his job or not, really, I have not asked him anything at all except for the receipt. Though recently as I went to his small kiosk, I asked him some questions, really basic questions, and it was fascinating to see how much enjoyed it, and that he as well seemed to enjoy it, and in this movement I expanded myself and my world – I got to know another a little better than before, and no more was this person but a prop in my world with the sole purpose of providing me with various goods and wares.

Now I have begun to expand this point of communication to more instances in my world, and it is something that I enjoy to do very much – and I am astounded to see how much I have been missing. I have seen that there are much more to people than what meets the eye, something I did not understand before, because I never took the decision to communicate, share myself, open up, and get to know another.

This point is really but one small point in my process of discovering the physical, and I am now with more clarity able to see how much in my world that I have not seen, great things, cool things, that have been just before my nose, but that I have not noticed because I have been to busy in my mind thinking about all kinds of things. Really, there is so much to discover and see in every moment, and an interview that assisted and supported me in seeing this is the Life review Conditioned into the mind. In this interview a man shares his life of how he instead of being aware and paying attention to what is here in the physical, directed his focus into his mind – as such missing all of that which each day was around him, instead existing in repetitive and limited thought-patterns going around, around, the same subjects, same emotions and same feelings.

Thus, life really is what we make of it – because we can either align our life and living to into and as this physical world, which is a place filled with discoveries, things to be learnt, with uncountable dimensions and aspects waiting to be seen and understood – and in this living here with the physical life becomes fun, a perpetual expansion and movement, where one is actually able to develop oneself for real, whilst a life in the mind is the opposite, it is a spiraling down into limitation, wherein one after a while miss all touch with life and the possibilities that are supplied on a golden platter in every moment.

The key to life is the physical.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the physical for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention to my physical reality, to not care about my physical reality, to believe that I have already seen everything that is to be seen, that I already understand the physical and that there are more important things for me to do in my mind – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical is a point that I have not really ever accepted and allowed myself to stand equal with and discover

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal and one with and as the physical, and make the self-willed decision to be here with the physical in every moment, and to notice and see the physical, to pay attention to the details, to be aware of my surroundings and accept and allow myself to see what is here, and get to know what is here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck in repetitive and monotone thoughts, and feelings, and emotions in my mind, and spend my life inside my head, instead of being here with and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the physical for granted, take other human beings for granted, take my body for granted, and not care to get to know it, to be intimate with it, to discover it and understand it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my life in my mind in a zombie-mode – wherein I am continuously thinking about things, believing that this is life and living, while really it is the epitome of limitation, and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push myself and will myself to be aware of my physical reality, of my physical body, of the physical sensations that are here in every moment – ready to be explored – ready to be known

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind reality is more real and valid than the physical reality, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend all my time in my mind imaginary reality in my head, instead of standing, living, and walking with my physical reality – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my mind more than life – more than the physical – more than life substance; and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand to what extent that I am limiting myself and holding myself back from living a effective life that is fun and enjoyable to take part in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in my mind I am isolated and separate from what is here, and in that state of being there is really no meaning or purpose to my life, because in essence I do not exist, I am merely entertaining myself in a illusory state of energy; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to give myself and my life real meaning and substance – through pushing and willing myself to be present – be aware – be HERE within and as every moment breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my physical reality as non-important – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead give all my attention and focus to my mind – to exist in my mind in fantasies, dreams and imaginations of the future, or the past, and in this not see, realize and understand what it is that I am missing here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the physical is REAL – that the physical is LIFE – and that my mind is DEATH – in my mind there exists no life as it is simply a machine created to distract me from what is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my physical reality and world for granted, and instead spend my time, and life in my mind, wherein I am living in fantasies, in experiences, in dreams and hopes of the future, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely and utterly disregard and push my life away – life being the physical – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to begin my day from a starting point of taking life for granted, of taking what is here for granted, of just getting up and starting to participate in my mind – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be aware and present and recognize the physical – feel the physical and interact with the physical equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my mind is limited – and that the physical represents an opportunity to truly make my life meaningful and substantial, because in living with the physical, I am actually interacting and communicating with and as something real, actual, that have substance, and that have life – but in my mind there is only me – only me running after these ludicrous thoughts of no meaning or purpose – and that is something I can do for the rest of my life – unless I make the active decision to in every moment stop myself – bring myself back here – and recognize the physical – recognize life – recognize what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be grateful for this physical reality and the support that it supplies unconditionally – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this physical reality makes life possible and that without it I could not have existed – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with life through in every moment being present, aware and physical – pushing myself to be practical and walking my life within and as breath – and as such not accepting and allowing myself to spend my life and my time in my mind

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am taking life for granted, taking the physical for granted, taking a moment for granted, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that taking physical for granted is ignorance – because the physical gives life – the physical supports life – the physical is life – and as such me taking that for granted implies that I am missing life – as such I commit myself to bring myself back here in every moment of breath – and stand with and as the physical – be practical – and walk within and as breath and awareness of my entire physical

When and as I see that I am, as I wake up in the morning, Immediately going into my mind, and I immediately start to think instead of being HERE – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that life is HERE with the physical and not in my mind, not in experiences, not in thoughts, not in pictures, it is here – before my very eyes; as such I commit myself to stand up within me and align myself with life as the physical and as such wake up HERE as breath within and as the physical

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