Tag Archives: love

Day 332: Facing The Dark With A Smile

Relationships, often portrayed with positive words such as love, appreciate, protect, secure, adore, etc., however, the truth of a relationship is something different. In Sweden, my country of birth, the divorce rate is at 50-55 % in relation to the amount of people getting married, and the median marriage lasts for 10 years. From those numbers it is not a big leap to say that the portrayed image of relationships is not wholly accurate. And expressed coarsely, the image broadcasted of relationships is outright deceptive. Without a doubt, the major part of any relationship consists of conflicts, misunderstandings, compromises, emotions, competition, and all other forms of dysfunctional human behavior that we all inherit and learn as we come of age. That is not strange considering that we always bring our baggage as we enter into a new relationship, it is thus, impossible to create a lovely and peaceful paradise on this earth – UNLESS – we have created OURSELVES as that in our individual capacity.

There is though ways to deal with the ‘human element’ that we unfortunately bring with us as we enter into a new relationship. In this blog I am going discuss one important tool to use in the creation of a comfortable and supportive relationship – HUMOR – or – the ability to be CAREFREE in the face of adversity. This point opened recently for me as I have noticed a tendency that I have to take things very seriously. For example, I will have a discussion with my partner that then becomes more of a intense disagreement, where emotions arise within me. Instead of looking at the reason for the conflict, and why I reacted, and how to solve it, so that I do not need to walk through the same conflict situation again – what I have done is that I have focused on the idea that it is WRONG to have conflicts/arguments. And instead of expanding myself, approaching conflicts from this judgmental vantage point results in suppression of what is really going on within me.

Suppression is and has been the modus operandi of us human beings when it comes to dealing with difficult shit since ages back, and it is so clearly visible in our society. What is prison, punishment, and social exclusion but a suppression mechanism, where we remove the ‘bad’ and ‘unwanted’ dimensions of our communal experience and put it away, far away and hidden from our immediate sight, instead of looking at WHY, and HOW it happened, and what SOLUTION there is to deal with the problem once and for all? The technique of suppression is also readily applied in parenting. When children cry, or behave ‘badly’, we look at ways to suppress the behavior, either through rewards, such as praising, or sweets, or through punishments, and consequences, though seldom, we look at the cause and origin of the troublesome behavior – and hence we miss out on the opportunity to create a sustainable and long-term solution.

The question to ask ourselves is thus, WHY do we have such a difficult time in looking at the DARK, MALEFICENT, HORRIBLE, and UNWANTED within ourselves, our relationships, and society? From what I have already touched upon above, one of the reasons for this is because we JUDGE it, we are too uptight about it, we take it personally, react to it, believe it is something bad, and that we must just, immediately, without further consideration, put it away – far away.

Hence, getting back to relationships, what is then the solution for this way of looking at the dark within ourselves? How can we assist and support ourselves to ease up and be less serious about the shit that is going on both within and without? The way forward as I see it is HUMOR – because it has the property of taking the edge of things, to make things seem silly, and remove that big, heavy reaction of something being sooo BAD. And here, I am not saying that humor should be the end point, because obviously, we have to learn from our mistakes, reflect and look at them, in order to move forward – however – if we look at our mistakes in a state of reaction – our focus will become misplaced. Instead of unconditionally looking at ways to improve, our focal point will be on determining how bad we have been, and how we must now punish ourselves, to apparently through that, motivate ourselves to not be bad again. Though, it is not important to determine how bad, and wrong we have been, that which is of real substantial value is to find a lasting, sustainable solution for the future, so that we are able to prevent further consequences.

HUMOR sounds like YOU-MORE – because through humor we are able to get back to that CAREFREE state of looking at things unconditionally – and thus we are able to SEE more of ourselves – see the reality of things – because humor disarms, it cuts through the defenses, and it allows us to get a glimpse of what is actually going on, which then puts us in a position to implement changes.

Hence, conflicts, disagreements, and in general, shit that happens in a relationship, a way to disarm the seriousness of it all is through HUMOR – through seeing the stupid shit that we do and that it is many times totally insane – how can we fight and argue about such pointless things and believe that it is absolutely a matter of life and death to get our version of the story heard? It is insane, and that is what makes it so HILARIOUS. Humor, hence, is an important tool in the creation of a effective relationship with our partner, and ourselves.

And how to then practically apply humor in a moment? Well, let us say that we are in a situation where I am having a disagreement with my partner about whether or whether not to tidy up after myself when I have used the kitchen, where I will then go to great lengths to explain, and win my partner over, to my way of dealing with the kitchen, where apparently my way of doing things is of great practical value. Instead, I could in that moment see how ridiculous it is that I am standing here, talking about such a absolutely insignificant thing as to how to clean the kitchen, defending my way of doing things with all I got, when it really has no value or importance to me at all.

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Day 312: Low Approval Ratings

In politics we measure the candidates and political parties with approval ratings. If a candidate has high approval ratings, he or she will likely be elected to a post and achieve a certain amount of influence. I find it interesting that we use the word approval in order to value and define the movement of political parties and figures, and I can relate to this way of defining success/achievement through looking at my own personal life as well.

Especially when it comes to work, I have a tendency to value myself according to whether my work is approved or not – whether I achieve a high approval rating or not. Then if I do, I will feel happy, pleased and satisfied, and walk away with a smile and a comfortable feel in myself. However, if I do not, I will walk away with a nugget of fear/anxiety/stress in my chest, and I will have backchat running in circles about how I can ameliorate the situation, how I can change it up, and direct it. It is fascinating, and because of this good/bad relationship to work, my inner experience will shift, and change, and the consequence is that it is uncomfortable to be at work.

An interesting thing about wanting approval is that when that is the starting point, then what I do, why I do it, and WHO I AM within what I do, it simply does not matter. That is interesting because it means that when I seek approval, there will not be genuine care, and a real passion, it will all be for SHOW, so that I can win more approval, and heighten my approval ratings. The consequence of that is that my actions and the work that I do will lack real substance and meaning – simply because there is no SELF in the process of creation – it is instead about achieving approval. It is not strange at all that we loose touch with our childish, unconditional, curious and potent sides of ourselves, present we are children, because our entire world is based on this one thing of seeking approval – and then being defined according to that approval.

For example school, it is one big process of establishing who is to be approved, and who is not to be approved, and then you apply for university, and potentially you are approved. And what is forgotten in this entire process is looking within ourselves, asking, well WHO AM I? What do I live for? What do I want to do? When am I satisfied with myself and when am I not? What is lost is the sense of SELF = self-honesty – because everything is about fitting in and being approved.

And this pattern of desiring approval is also something that can be seen in how the world system operates, because how do you achieve approval? You take in a certain POSITION – for example – becoming a president – a position in the system and the you get approval for achieving that position – and what is forgotten? SELF – HERE. There is no recognition of WHO I AM – instead value is given by how well I am able to reach and maintain predetermined, given marks.

Approval = A PROOF OF – A PROOF OF LOVE – is that what we are all so hungry for? A proof that someone loves us? It is fascinating, and I have observed this many times in my own life, that what is highly valued and seen as prestigious in the system, automatically becomes a highly valued and desired point to achieve within myself. An example is MONEY – that is an object highly valued and defined as prestigious to have – and what do I want to have? What is it that I use to compare my own value in relation to others? It is money.

Hence, the search for approval, is the search of a proof that we are loved and valued, and we seek to achieve that through moving ourselves in various ways in the world system, making almost everything a competition – and we loose sight of REAL value – which is ourselves. And how we can easily abuse and harm ourselves, judge ourselves in thought, disregarding and being oblivious to the value that exists within and as ourselves, while at the same time trying to achieve value and recognition out there in the world system – where have to fight, and struggle, and compete in order to be able to strengthen our approval ratings.

The REAL proof of love is WHO I AM within myself in each breath – the result of my living will stand as a proof – and that result can be a result of love – which would be when I create an outcome for myself and others in my world that is best – when I place and live by the principle of what is best for all and I do not accept and allow myself to be sidetracked and loose my direction through going into the mind. The solution is to develop, create and find within myself, real love, real approval – a real home. Thus, it is not about what I do – it is about WHO I AM – it is not about where I reach – it is about WHO I AM – it is not about what I achieve – it is about WHO I AM – I am in this world but not off this world.

Day 258: Creating Movement – Part 4: Learning To Handle Resistance

In my past blogs in the Creating Movement Series I have gone into my own history with laziness, and also looked at some of the causes behind this particular mind construct. In this blog I will start to go through the practical solutions that I applied to walk through and direct laziness, and transform it into motivation, discipline and steadfastness. From my own experience, in order to change laziness, one of the most important points to get to grips with, and become comfortable with directing is resistance – because when you decide to change laziness into something more productive – you will face resistance and lots of it.

The usual and learned response to resistance is to simply back off – if we resist something it means bad news, discomfort, and pain. This is unfortunate, because as a matter of fact, any form of change is nearly always accompanied with resistance. In-fact this resistance can be seen in nature, as a natural law, when a object is in motion, and you try to stop it, and move it in another direction, you will experience that physical force fighting with you, until you stop it, and then move it in the direction that you want it. All motion has a force to it, and when we try to change it, there will be a period of discomfort – the same goes with changing laziness into motivation, self-discipline, and steadfastness.

Thus, the first point to master is resistance. And in the beginning of my process of changing laziness I experienced immense amounts of resistance the moment I stood before an opportunity to act, or I faced a responsibility that I had to tend to. There was not a single cell in my body that wanted to move forward, and with each step that I took, my body felt heavier, and heavier. It felt as if the only right thing to do was to go back to the sofa or bed, to simply not change this laziness, because the thought emerged: How can I ever push through this resistance, how can I ever become effective, and productive, when this heavy experience is following me with every step that I take?

Resistance however, even though it might feel intolerable, and create the illusion that it is impossible to go any further, will pass; it will lessen, and eventually disappear. This is due to the nature of resistance, because in essence resistance is energy – and no energy has a substance and solidity that can be compared with that of the human physical body. Thus physical self-directed movement will always come out on top of the resistance, though to reach that transcendence – you will have to walk through the moment when it feels impossible. The fascinating thing is that when you push through that experience of ‘it is impossible – I can not go on any more!’ – you will see that it is only a thought, only a illusion conjured by the mind, and that it is in-fact possible to move forward, to move ahead, even though it feels impossible.

So, when the resistance comes up, it helps a lot to have this understanding, that eventually the resistance will settle, and then you will be able to do what you set out to do without any experience hindering your progress. It is so fascinating to look back at my past, and see how much it was that I resisted: I resisted cleaning, resisted writing, resisted school, resisted reading, resisted exercise, resisted being social, etc. Today, there is none, or very slight resistance towards these things – why? Because I consistently pushed myself through the resistance, I consistently reprogrammed myself, and decided for myself that resistance is not going to hold me back – I will push through it when it comes up – and thus resistance lost its meaning and purpose – there is no room for resistance anymore because I have replaced it with words/expressions that are beneficial for myself, and others – such as motivation, self-discipline, and steadfastness.

As such – we are all able to push through resistance. Though, it does take practice, and I myself have fallen many times, given up, given in, went to bed, slept over, because I felt overpowered by the resistance. And here is another thing to remember, that it does not help to be hard on yourself when you fall, rather, stand up again, look at why the fall occurred – and move forward. Eventually you will not fall anymore, though there is a process to be walked until one is able to get to that point where the trust exists within self that each time resistance comes up – I will push through.

In my next blog I will walk through the Practical Solutions that I have found for handling and directing resistance.

Creating Movement – Part 1: Introduction
Creating Movement – Part 2: How laziness is created – external causes
Creating Movement – Part 3: How Laziness is Created – Internal Causes
Creating Movement – Part 4: Learning To Handle Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 5: Practical Solutions for Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 6: Baby Steps To Change
Creating Movement – Part 7: The Rewards

Day 246: The art of decision making

Oftentimes we hear how it’s good to vent ourselves – that it’s apparently healthy to clear the air, get everything out there, speak it as it is, and show what is really going on. And in theory this might be great, because we can discuss what is really going on – though in practical reality this approach more often than not leads to consequences.

hand-457335_640The real problem is when we start to speak about decisions, and points that we think about, which we ourselves are not yet clear on. For example, we have a reaction towards person X, and this reaction is an irritation, then we go speak to person Y about a decision we’re considering due to this reaction. Problem is that, on top of it being a reaction, we experience a conflict within ourselves towards the decision, because on a deep level we know that the point isn’t clear, it doesn’t come from a point of stability, and common sense reasoning – so we turn to person Y to guide us and prep us emotionally so we feel comfortable making the decision we believe to be right. This, INSTEAD of accepting and allowing ourselves to FIRST look at the point, stabilize, and only THEN go to another to discuss, and cross-reference the facts, which we’ve found.

If we go and speak with person Y, without being clear, a lot of shit can unfold – amongst other things we can influence person Y to in turn make a decision based on our emotionally contaminated information, or we receive advice that isn’t clear, and effective, due to our own uncertainty and biased position, and accordingly we make a decision that supports our emotional experience, instead of making a practical decision that supports who we are as a being, as life. And on top of this we set ourselves up to lose our point of self-honesty, and access to who we are as stability, because instead of clearing the reaction, and finding out what we’d really like to do – the problem is that we try to emulate a sense of direction through utilizing feelings and emotions.

So, what I’ve found in my own process is that I have a tendency to want to cement a particular direction in life through creating within me an a experience of certainty, a feeling of certainty. Hence, when an EXPERIENCE of uncertainty comes up within me, what I’ve done is that I go and talk to someone, to get some form of comforting advice, to through that generate and create the feeling of certainty again. The fascinating point here is that I base my future, my decisions, and my direction on a feeling of certainty or an emotion of uncertainty, instead of seeing the practical pros and cons of my direction. See, basing a decision on what is practical – this doesn’t require any feeling whatsoever, no emotion, no feeling, it’s instead simply seeing the physical, and the potential future playouts, looking at the consequences of these and how they might affect me – and then making a decision on the basis of these.

Thus, the limitation is to want to have a feeling of certainty, because why do we require such a feeling to trust ourselves in relation to the decisions we make for ourselves? Do we have to have a feeling in order to be able to eat? Must we feel a sense of trust that the food we eat is going to nourish and support our physical bodies? No – because in terms of food, we know that it’s a physical act, and that when we eat, regardless of our experience towards the decision to eat, it’s something that’s going to have certain physical effects, and that is why we decide to do it. The same goes for all other decisions, at the end of the day, they are practical, physical decisions, and it doesn’t have to feel right, it just has to be a decision that is practical and effectively aligned – that is all that is required.

What I see for myself, as such, is that I am going to will myself to before I approach another in terms of discussing a decision that I wish to make, to first sit down with myself and walk through the pros and cons – and ONLY look at the practical sides of the decision – because that is really the only thing that matters. What I feel about a decision, that is irrelevant, because it won’t have any form of meaning, and will not change a thing in terms of how I walk about, and create my life in this physical world and reality – and that is the truth.

To summarize this blog, there are two important points to take into account in terms of decisions: 1) Be clear or at least be clear on the points your unclear about when discussing a decision with another 2) Don’t base your decisions on a feeling of right, and don’t accept and allow yourself to be bothered by a feeling that something is wrong with a decision – instead stick to what is practical – because that is trustworthy and dependable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed inside of myself in relation to decisions that I make, have made, or wish to make, through basing myself and who I am in relation to these decisions on emotions and feelings of uncertainty and certainty – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don’t have to change my direction just because an experience comes up within me of either uncertainty or certainty – because these feelings and emotions are in-fact not relevant – they aren’t in-fact physical assessments of the situation that I am in – it’s only a feeling – and thus I commit myself to base my decision on facts – on the practical pros and cons – and not accept and allow myself to be swayed to change or make a decision on the basis of a experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust feelings of certainty, and uncertainty, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make these experiences the primary force in my decision making processes – where I instead of valuing, and seeing the practical sides of the decision that is before me – look at, and become obsessed with the experience side of the decision that is before me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand to what extent I am in-fact limiting myself when I am holding unto this perspective in life – because instead of supporting myself to stabilize, and work with what is real – I go into a illusion and try to live my life from within and as that very illusion – not realizing that I can’t ever live effectively when my focus is on that which isn’t real, and doesn’t matter anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate the decisions I have made, and the decisions I plan to make according to how I feel about them, and evaluate how I should move and direct myself in the future according to how I feel about my future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simple common sense that – a decision is a practical point – it’s a physical act – and not something that has to do with feelings – and some goes with the future – the future is a practical point – a physical act that will occur – and thus it’s irrelevant how I feel about it – what’s important is the physical, and practical steps – the actuality of what is here – that is the relevant point to look at and thus the relevant point to work with and base my decisions on

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself wanting to go talk to someone about a decision that I am not clear on, because I feel certain, or uncertain, and because I wish to strengthen one of these experiences, I stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I require to slow down, and first of all – look at the point myself – and be clear within myself before I open my mouth and invite others to participate in giving me advice and looking at the decision – and thus I commit myself to look at my decisions rationally – using the pros and cons method – the pros and cons list – and then following through on the assessment that I make in relation to this pros and cons list – and asking for advice in relation to practical points that I am not certain about and that I see I could use support and assistance for me to clarify

When and as I see myself basing my direction, and future in relation to a certain decision, on how I feel about it – as to whether I feel comfortable with it, or uneasy with it, and then start re-thinking my decision, and going over it again, because my feeling about it changed, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of approach decisions is not supportive, and it’s not effective for me – because what should matter is the physical, what is actually going on in my life, what is actually and in-fact here – not what I feel should or shouldn’t be here – because that is what is relevant – and that is what I should move myself in relation – and through doing that – I will have an effective decision that is aligned with my physical world – and thus I commit myself to look at the physical aspects of my decision and NOT how I feel about it, not what I think about it, rather the physical facts – because that is what will have a direct impact and influence on me and the decision I am making or that I have already made

Day 245: Extending The Family Unit

If we take a look at the base programming in human beings, one deep and very much influential pattern is the characters we create and live out in relation to the family. The average human being exists within and as the understanding that the family means more than ‘strangers’ – and that it’s okay to love your family members more than someone you’ve just met, or someone that you’ve never met, that is suffering in poverty on the other side of the world. We tend to justify this line of thinking with the fuzzy logic that family is more important. Though, when we ask the question: Why is our family more important than anyone else? It’s difficult to find an answer that can stand.

familyEvery answer we produce to this question will be based on either feelings or emotions, because it’s only through valuing the physical on the basis of subjective experiences that we can create an idea that some parts of this physical reality and its inhabitants are more important than others. Though, when we look at what is here, without energy, it’s easy to see that all physical matter is equal – that suffering is suffering regardless of who it hits – that not only some but ALL deserve to live a life of dignity.

See, we might believe that our feelings are true, that only because we experience a feeling of love towards someone in our life, that this means that the person in question is more important than someone we don’t experience that feeling towards – YET – isn’t it true that we all consist of the same flesh and blood? That we all do require nurturing, and support to develop and grow as human beings? That we all have the same basic needs? That we intuitively can see, feel, and understand the discomforts and pains of others?

We have an important question to ask ourselves, and that is how did we create this world of suffering, where starvation has actually been accepted as a reality, and where children are seen as lucky to grow up in a supportive and nourishing environment? The point is hidden in plain sight – we have created this world through our value systems, where we give to some, find some worthy of our support, and others we simply reject. Let’s ask ourselves, and answer this question honestly: Is this how we would like another to treat us? Because if it isn’t, then why would we do this to another?

Unfortunately we are programmed since a young age to value and move ourselves in the world on the basis of love, on the basis of a feeling, on the basis of us seeing ourselves, and our lives as more important than the lives of others – and this has created major consequences in this world. Though, we are able to stop this, and change this world on a personal level – we’re able to step up and take responsibility and extend our family unit – and see that our real family is actually this entire physical world and reality – that no one is excluded, and that we’re only able to exclude things through a process of deceit, which we create in our minds, and that comes through as thoughts.

What is really the purpose of being on earth if we’re only going to extend ourselves to some few selected individuals, and attempt to fight, avoid, and push away everyone else? Why hold unto a feeling of love, when real love, which is the living application of caring for all, is so substantial and fulfilling? It makes no sense to hold unto our confined mind realities, we are missing out on so much – we do have the potential to create a life, and a world that is truly magnificent – and all that is required – is that we live the courage to care for all, and not only for ourselves.

I am one vote for world equality, where do you stand?

Day 218: Recognizing Myself

One emotional experience that have come up recently with more force and fervor has been that of looking at my life, my relationships and daily living – and then comparing this to the lives of others – and in that making a conclusion – that apparently my life is a failure – my life is not good enough – and I’ve not established or walked a sufficiently fulfilling life.

For some context in terms of how the point emerged within me. I was scrolling through Facebook, and then saw a post from an old friend – and decided to see what he’s been up to. I saw that he’d acquired a new job, and that he’d been left with many comments, where his former work colleagues shared with him how much he was going to be missed at his old job.

This then triggered the particular experience within me, where I had this image come up in my mind of my bedroom as I wake up in the morning, and then followed by backchat, that was charged with an energy of failure – thus these statements emerged where I was berating myself for not through my life having created more relationships with people where they would write similar things to me – as to how much they were going to miss me and feel sad that I couldn’t be a part of their lives anymore.

The energy that was triggered by the thought and the backchat was failure – and I felt like an underachiever. What I did in that moment was to slow down, and immediately apply self-forgiveness on the energy as well as the backchat – and this assisted and supported me to clear the experience and return to the stability of breathing and being here with my human physical body. Though because this experience was intense and it’s come up several times – I saw that it was required for me to investigate it more closely.

Now, in analyzing and picking a part this experience – I’m able to see that the origin of this point is a lack of self-acceptance – and the problem is that I’ve defined self-acceptance in a relationship to success – and success in association to attaining fame and popularity in the system – because hey – that is what I saw in the comments that where directed towards my friend – he seemed popular, liked and appreciated!

Obviously, the most burning of questions is why I don’t give that appreciation to myself – or rather HOW I don’t give that appreciation and acceptance to myself – because if I was appreciating and accepting myself – would I then experience this urge and want of having others seeing, recognizing and valuing me? No – I wouldn’t.

Thus – HOW am I not giving this to myself? The first thing I’m able to see is that I don’t accept and allow myself to recognize myself for what I actually HAVE DONE and ACCOMPLISHED in my life – because there are a few things I’ve done that took great effort and willpower – that I’m actually proud over when looking back. Though that is not something that I yet allow myself to really embrace – thus – the first point of self-correction and living application that I see I can implement in my process of correcting this point – is to accept and allow myself to recognize what I’ve done and accomplished – and in that allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with myself – and thus accept and allow that point of self-recognition and self-appreciation to come through instead of hoping that others are going to give it to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself – and accept and allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with the points that I’ve accomplished in my life – that I’ve given effort into and walked to perfection – and that I’ve really had to push and will myself through resistances and limitations in order to create – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate my strengths, skills, aptitudes, talents and capabilities – and what I am in-fact effective and good at – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted – and to compare myself with others and berate me for the weaknesses I have – instead of assisting and supporting myself to strengthen my strengths – to enhance those points in myself where I’m already effective and potent – and thus place my focus and attention on what I’m able to create in my life – instead of that which I perceive to be a problem and that I’m not able to walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never be satisfied and content with myself – even though I accomplish a great feat and really push myself to establish a particular point that do requires effort – to believe that I am not worthy of recognition, praise and acceptance – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the behavior of my parents – living and creating a belief that I must never be satisfied with myself because that is apparently not something that I am accepted and allowed to give to myself – because apparently I am flawed and less than – and thus doomed to for an eternity walk in this life thirsting for acceptance yet never really ever finding a place of comfort for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the consequence of me at all times expecting more from myself – and not allowing myself to look back and see all the effective and cool points that I’ve manifested for myself – is that I am breaking myself down – instead of accepting and allowing myself to build myself – to through seeing what I’ve created and what I’ve been able to do – further push myself and become even more enthusiastic with regards to my self-creation process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the flawed starting point and premise that I’m apparently not worthy of self-acceptance, being proud over myself, and being satisfied with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when always being discontent with myself and my efforts – I will be able to produce greater results – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I am berating and judging myself – I’m in-fact breaking myself down – making me less capable and driven – because I generate an emotional experience within me of feeling like a failure – that then draws all my attention – instead of me placing my focus, effort and attention upon me creating myself as life – building myself as life – and walking my life to get done and establish that which is required to be established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having dedicated several years of my to myself with regards to walking this process of self-creation – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having soon completed a university education – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that in my life, and in that in myself which is effective, which is working – where I’m actually producing results that I should be satisfied with – because the results are actually very cool

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having walked through my resistances and pushed myself to progress in my Desteni I Process course – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that it’s something I’ve actually walked with great effort and that I’ve invested a lot of will power into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for that which I’ve walked and established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that only because I recognize myself – and see my achievements – that this doesn’t have to mean that I will become complacent and self-conceited – because obviously I can still push and will myself to create my life – yet when I recognize and actually accept and allow myself to see my progress – I create this natural drive and motivation to push myself – because I’m able to see the results – I’m able to see what I’m creating and what outflows and effects my creation have on myself and in the relationships in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for having pushed myself to participate as a host in the Desteni Hangouts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted as something that I simply should be doing – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s actually a commitment that I’ve made and that I’ve walked for quite some time – and that it’s been a point I’ve invested effort into and thus not something that just came to me easily – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that point in my life and in myself as something that I walked and created that I can in-fact be proud over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be hard on myself for having difficulties in creating networks and relationships with other people – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s unnecessary for me to go into this state of harshness and judgmental attitude – rather I commit myself to be forgiving – to accept myself as I am at the moment – and then from that starting point begin to push myself to become more effective in creating networks and relationships – not from a starting point of thinking that I am bad, wrong or unfitting in my current state – rather that I push myself from within and as a starting point of me wanting to expand and move myself beyond my limitations – because I enjoy it and find it fascinating – and because I’ve been able to do so with many other points in my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that a thought arise within me of me berating and judging myself, for me apparently having a boring, unsatisfactory, inferior lifestyle in comparison with others, in terms of being accepted, recognized and seen, being popular and having many relationships – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that this idea within me that I’m apparently a inferior human being isn’t aligned with reality – because there are many things in my life that I can be proud over, that I can give myself credit for, that I can be truly satisfied with – and thus I commit myself to recognize these aspects of my life – to give myself credit for what I’ve created and established – to give myself credit for my strengths, my skills, talents and aptitudes – and in that recognize, see and accept myself

When and as I see that I am berating and judging myself, for me not as I perceive others are able to do, creating relationships, networks, and doing these ‘fun’ ‘eventful’ and ‘interesting’ pastime activities with others – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in approaching these weaknesses of mine from this starting point of judgment, I’m in-fact only breaking myself down, and placing even further away from moving into a solution – and thus I commit myself to accept myself as I am at this stage – and from this starting point of unconditional self-acceptance – move myself to change – to direct myself – and to create myself in those areas of my life where I see that I’m not very effective or potent – and that there is more to build and create – more things to explore, realize and live

Day 198: Towards The Future!

Towards the future! A tendency that I’ve noticed when I consider plans for my future is that there will be definitive experience of ‘right and wrong’ – meaning: There will be an idea of what is correct and what is incorrect – there will be a path of what I want to choose and walk down – and there will be a path that I don’t want to choose – and that I don’t want to walk down. The problem comes in with regards to how I’ve designed these paths – because they’re based upon desires and fears – they’re mostly not very practical – and because there is such a definitive ‘right and wrong’ to them – this causes conflict within me.

So, let’s bring this into context: Next year I’m going to be done with my law-studies and before I go into the court to do my two years of traineeship, there will be a brief respite, some time that I require to fill with an activity of some form – and here I’ve established that studying another course will be an effective point to pursue.

Then comes the Decision – and this is in regards to what course I should pick – and here I’ve looked at either studying economics or psychology – and this seemingly small and insignificant decision has become like that annoying sand grain stuck between the sole of my feet and my shoes – and seemingly it’s a unsolvable puzzle. And the reason as to why it feels like an unsolvable puzzle and maze of various possibilities and opportunities is because at the bottom of the considerations lies fear and anxiety – and this fear and anxiety is in relation to future and in particular – making the wrong decision.

When looking closer at this point of making the wrong decision, it’s clear that the wrong decision in essence implies placing myself in a position in the world system that is not effective, placing myself in a position wherein I afterwards realize that – this is not where I want to be! And in that process as well realizing that – I shouldn’t have chosen to study this course, I should’ve chosen the other course!

Here it’s fascinating to see the nature of my considerations – that it’s based on this very limited idea of absoluteness – that this decision that I make to study a single course the next year will somehow determine the ENTERITY of my life – and be the very quintessence of my coming existence – that point that will form and shape everything that is to come afterwards – and that I will in making this decision set a precedence for myself that will flow out into my future and either make me sublime or a lowly failure.

Obviously – this is not how physical reality works, and actually – I’ve got my life to show for it. I mean, how many skills haven’t I developed over the span of my life? How many various courses and lectures haven’t I participated within? Yet, it’s unequivocal that these past choices have not had any significant impact on what I am doing currently with my life – it’s rather as such that what I am doing and studying at the moment is completely unexpected and not what I’d believed that I would do as I grew up.

Thus, what I see I must work with, and establish as a certainty within me, is that life is a moment, it’s not black and white, but rather a greyish mishmash of various colorations, and that very seldom anything is set in stone – most times there are opportunities and possibilities to digress and go into another direction, make a new choice, pursue a new challenge – and thus – this fear that I will create a future that is either unambiguously positive, or categorically negative is in-fact an illusion – and probably my future will be rather mundane and normal – I will find a job, do some more courses, and then move on – because that’s how life works. Though what I’ll always have with me is MYSELF – and that is something I can create to stand eternally – steadfast – stable – regardless of how my future turns out.

The point to realize is that – the future can’t be predicted – yet I can walk myself into the future in stability – and stand as that point in my life and in that – be present, capable and able to create a life for myself – moment by moment – that is effective and that is something I’d like to experience – thus what I am able to see is that whether I pick one course or the other – it’s really of no impact – because what will determine my future is MYSELF and what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow in each and every moment of breath.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my future in black and white – and absolutes – wherein I will see this decision that is before me as the ultimate test – as what will determine the rest of my life and if I make the wrong decision – there is nothing – and absolutely nothing that I am able to do to correct and align the point – and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a delusional way of looking at my future – and how obviously – this is now how the physical functions and operates – because the physical functions according to what I live and move as in each and every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the future and my life is a constant process of creation – and a constant point that I am establishing – building – and refining in every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the future as only beingout there’ – as only having significance and importance somewhere there in the future – and that the decision I will make in regards to one course, one event, and one point will determine everything – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a false supposition – and how this is not how life and this reality works

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the fear I have of not making the right decision, of not placing myself in the correct position, of not establishing myself where I should be, that this is not a valid fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this decision that is before me is simply something that I’ll have decide upon and then walk – and that it will not determine the rest of my existence and all and everything of myself from that point onwards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this irrational value to education and studying – in believing that education and studying is what will further me in my lifetime – is what will create my life for me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the primary point of creation, the primary point that will determine who I am and what my life will become, is who I am in each and every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to the courage of facing and walking each moment unconditionally – realizing that here is the point of power – and HERE is the point of creation – it’s not somewhere out there in the future – it’s HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the idea I’m carrying within me, that somehow a decision of what course I am to study in the future, will determine everything of myself, is false – and not in alignment with reality – the physical – and in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself – make a decision – and then move myself to walk the point – and not make anything more of it than that – making a decision to study something – because I see that it makes sense – and then stopping any fear that comes up within me that it’s the wrong decision – that it’s not right – and that I will create massive consequences for myself due to having walked this particular decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of what course I choose – I am going to face the future – and what will have the most impact in me facing and directing the future is not the course I’ve studied – but rather WHO I AM – and HOW I STAND – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make this my priority – to realize that the WHO I AM will determine my life and my future – my ability to stand – to direct and move myself in moments and to not accept and allow the mind the step in and create myself and my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the fear and anxiety immediately as it arise within me – not give it any power what-so-ever – and instead focus and give attention to my creation process of myself here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my future will not manifest itself as either a picture perfect future where everything is fantastic – and it will not manifest itself as a hellish and awful future where everything is bad – rather my future will probably be normal – and much like my life is currently – wherein it’s simple dealing with and walking through my day-to-day responsibilities – wherein there is nothing more significant and special than that – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of this angst and fear of what might happen when I make a particular decision – and instead – simply make the decision and push myself to move ahead with my life – and not anymore remain in this state of inferiority and lack

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the emotional state I am creating within myself due to participating in this inner conflict is in-fact what is going to have consequences for myself in the future, and is a decision that I make in this moment, to make my future less effective – because in participating in such emotions I am going to manifest physical consequences and symptoms – suck as a disease or sickness – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and simply give up upon this anxiety – simply make a decision that I see makes sense – and then stick with it – not drag it up again and again – and realize that regardless of what might come – I will make the best of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of what might come in my future – I will make the best of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of whether I make the wrong decision – I will make the best out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will direct my life regardless of what I’m facing – and that I will not give up upon myself – but that I will find and establish solutions

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into conflict about my future – because I have a decision that I am uncertain of – I stop – I breathe – and I do not accept and allow myself to in anyway think about this decision – because I realize that this fuels underlying fears and anxieties – and thus I commit myself to let the point go until I can sit down and map out the decision – then I commit myself to make a decision and stick with it – and not bring up any what-ifs – because I realize that this is unnecessary and doesn’t have any constructive outflows

I commit myself to regardless of whether I make the wrong decision – to make the best out of my life – to make the best out of myself – to not give up – but to always strive and work towards establishing solutions

I commit myself to never give up upon myself regardless of what my future will bring – and regardless of the challenges I will be faced with – and I commit myself to develop the courage to face and walk my life in the moment – and not use fear or anxiety to drive myself forward

I commit myself to stick with the decision that I’ve made – to not think about it anymore – but to walk the point that I’ve already laid out for myself – to keep it simple – and only change and re-direct the points if I see that it’s relevant and necessary – not because a fear or anxiety arise within me – that is not practical but only a illusion and experience of and as the mind