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Day 310: Reinventing The Wheel

Ever heard of the expression ‘There is no need to reinvent the wheel!’. For those that have not, this expression implies that it is completely unnecessary to come up with ‘your own way’ of approaching and directing a specific point if a solution has already been found – thus also implying that there is no value in coming up within things yourself – the value is instead in the solution itself and the practical outflows that comes from applying that solution.

I want to write a blog about this point because it has recently opened up in relation to my job. Basically, this is what happened: I had been given a task to write a piece on a specific topic. I sat down and started to sketch out how I would approach the point, only to realize that, there were some things off with the topic. I began making my own inquiries, and sat for some hours doing research. After a while I was satisfied, and also proud over myself that I had found that answers I was looking for. In my mind I imagined myself receiving some sort of praise or recognition from my superiors.

Later during the day I approached my boss and showed him what I had been working on. To my surprise he said; ‘Oh yes, that kind of problem, we deal with it like this, you can do the same here’ – whereupon he showed me an existing template of how the problem could be directed. I experienced a sense of disappointment, because I had hoped that my efforts would be rewarded with praise and attention, and now, it seemed that all my work had been in vain. This led me to ask myself the following questions: ‘Why did I not ask for someone’s perspective before I started to dig into this work?’ – ‘How can I avoid repeating this mistake in the future?’ – ‘How come it is that I place receiving attention and praise as a priority over practically getting things done in ways already tested and trialed?’.

In looking at this point I realized that the reason as to why I wanted to reinvent the wheel was because it would make me special, unique, and more in the eyes of others – through it I would be able to differentiate myself as more than. Though, the consequence of this was that I put in several hours into something that was not required, because the wheel was already invented, I could just have asked, and then solved the task within a matter of minutes.

Hence, this stands as a fitting example as to why wanting to be special, unique, new and the first is a limitation – because in that we are not working with COMMON SENSE – but trying to realize a dream/feeling/hope. And this feeling of being special, it is not even real, because physical creation is but that – it is a physical practical creation – and who created what or when – that does not matter to physical creation. For example, does it matter to a house or those living in the house, that the carpenter who built that house came up with and applied a new idea? Most likely no. And further, being special limits us from copying and using what is good and effective in the way others live their life’s – because we do not want to be a copycat. Though, what is wrong with being a copy cat when what is copied works and is of benefit to everyone?

Instead of wanting to be special, what should be the primary focus is to be of utmost value to ourselves and others in our life – and to be that it is not required for us to be unique – however we do need effective living techniques and in the process of establish such we can learn a lot from others. Hence, the solution that I see for myself when it comes to my job is to develop communication, openness, and also, completely let go of the desire to be special, and replace it with the desire to be effective/of benefit to myself and others. To instead of striving to be recognized, strive to do the best work that I can do.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be special instead of equal with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be more than others and be recognized as special – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out on myself – where instead of my focus and direction being to create what is best for all – to be of benefit and support to others in my life – my direction becomes about wanting and desiring recognition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire recognition – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my physical reality in order to achieve recognition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice self-recognition – in the sense that I recognize myself as being of value and a asset to others and myself – and push myself to stand as such a force in my life – where the purpose of myself and my future as such is not to become someone in the eyes of others – but instead to become a trustworthy companion that is able to walk this physical reality and give and share what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to invent something unique and out of this world – to want to do something nobody has ever done before so that I can feel special and good about myself in what I am doing – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this desire take the drive within me – and want it to push and drive me through my life – in the belief that I require and need this something – to make a mark in my life – to have done something with my life.

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself doing something because I want to be special – something that is not really practical or necessary and where I am trying to reinvent the wheel – I stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in wanting to be special and get recognition I am compromising my effectiveness and my ability to contribute and give to others what is best – and hence I see that there is no practical value in being special – there is no practical value in being unique – and this physical reality does not care about who does what – and hence I commit myself instead practice being of value to myself and others in my world through practical living – where I push myself to take actions that make sense and have results – instead of taking actions in hope of being special.

I commit myself to practice the word simplicity – to embrace simplicity in my life – to embrace simplicity as myself – to see, realize and understand that I do not need to be special in my life – that I do not need to be someone or something to others – that all I need is equality – is to embrace and push me to stand as an equal participant – in that live value – live equality – live contribution – to push myself to be a giving participant that makes a difference through practical – basic – daily actions

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Day 282: A Hell of A Day

Today, I had a hell of a day. And with that, I mean that I had a day where I faced many new experiences, and reactions, of which, particularly one stands out – the desire to impress, and its polarity opposite, the fear of being useless.

I really enjoy the way that my work is challenging me when it comes to this point. Because my work currently is about tightly cooperating with others, and in that my efforts are continuously being evaluated, by myself obviously, and the benchmark of my evaluations is how I perceive that others see/receive my work. For instance today, I had a moment where I walked up to one of my colleagues, as we where to have a meeting, and it turned out that I was half an hour early to the meeting – lol. In that I moment I experienced a big fat embarrassment in my chest area, as well as a fear tightening my chest – because in that moment I perceived my actions/behavior as a weakness.

So, it is interesting how deeply ingrained this point is within me of wanting/desiring to be someone to another, and how severely it is limiting me. Fact is, that when I strive to be something for another, my experience of myself in what I am doing shifts from me, here, applying myself, to learn, expand and grow in my application, into a state of fear, where the murmuring backchat is of the following nature: ‘What do they think of me?’ – ‘Did I do this right?’ – ‘Did I make a fool out of myself now?’ – ‘Oh my god, they are going to dislike me forever now!’ – it is like a constant momentum of anxiety that I get pulled into that then defines my day, my work, and what I do.

And, the interesting part of this is that I know how much I could enjoy my work, and the learning experience I could create it to be, if I would be able to let go of my drive to please, and my fear of displeasing – because the work offers so much potential for learning, growing, expanding and becoming more effective. Really, it is similar to school, we constantly do things because others tell us to, and after a while it is all about the recognition, all about what others think of us, and not about our own expression/experience/momentum within what we are doing.

The solution is to redefine work, redefine living, redefine myself, from survival to living – and that means – understanding that life becomes so much more when the veils of fear are released and one is instead able to focus on the actual living, the actual participation, the actual interaction with life here – and one have energy, and space within to process this world, and all the information that is constantly moving. From what I see for myself, what stands in my way is fears and desires – very basic mental experiences that are stopping me from becoming what I can become. Because I do like my chosen profession, I do like the constant learning, expanding, and growing that exists within it – however to really access that potential fear must go.

However, I will not give up until I am able to stand, and walk in my chosen profession as an expression of real living, with no fear – that is my reference point – that is my goal and where I want to get to. Now the work begins to get there, which involves, applying self-forgiveness, and the specifying my corrective applications. Challenges, mistakes, faults, and errors are not meant to be feared – we are supposed to learn from them, grow, expand and welcome them into our lives, as they offer us an opportunity to become even more effective.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being appreciated by my colleagues or bosses – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon others appreciating me, others thinking that I am good, others defining me as being an asset, etc. and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this to myself

I recognize that I am an asset, that I have many qualities, skills and abilities that I can use to give and create a world that is better for all participants involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being outcasted by my colleagues and bosses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes – in the fear that my colleagues or bosses are then going to judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in fear of what that might lead to and create in my life in terms of future career opportunities – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed about my future – about what might come to pass – and forget about myself here in the moment – and the process that I am walking – and how I can in-fact use what I am doing to empower myself as an individual – however it is required then that I push the point of actually doing it for and as myself and not to satisfy my bosses and colleagues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my life when I am out in the system, working, creating relationships, and more, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this experience thinking that life is dangerous, that I need this fear to keep on my toes, not realizing that it’s not about need – it is about habit – and within that not realizing that I can create for more supportive ways of living and participating in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a reason as to why very few people are able to become knowledgeable and superior in their professional field is because the focus is elsewhere, the focus is not on learning, understanding and empowering oneself within the work one is doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to empower myself in my field, I must focus on the work, the field, and the learning of that work, that must be where my energy goes, and in this I cannot accept and allow fear to be a part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not presenting a good enough work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when my focus is on presenting a good work to another, then I am not actually focusing on the work that I am doing HERE – and how I can empower myself within the work that I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to remember is that what I focus on will grow – if I focus on what I fear – that will grow – if I instead focus on my relationship and application within the work that I do – then that will grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, when and as I notice that I am getting high strung at work, and I go into some form of a rush-energy, to take a moment to stop up, to go grab a cup of coffee, drink some water, or take a walk, and support myself to get out of that experience, or apply some self-forgiveness, stop up for some moments and ground myself back into my body, remind myself of my starting point, my why in the work that I am doing, to learn as much as possible, to expand, and empower myself within the field of law, to in the future be able to use this to create a difference in this world that will make life better for all human beings – that is my starting point – not fear – not anxiety – not worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, because I fear that my superiors are going to judge me, and that this will have ramifications for me in that I will not be able to get a job in the future, and feel secure and safe in my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with regards to money, and security, exist in this polarity, where I sometimes, usually when I get money, feel secure, safe, and sound, and then when I am at work, and I perceive that there is a risk I am not going to get money, go into fear, anxiety, and worry that I am not going to be able to survive, because I might become fired from my job – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my participation in this sense/feeling of security is actually creating the opposite polarity of fear, and anxiety – and hence I commit myself to let go of both of these polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my colleagues or bosses are cryptically judging, or showing their discontent with me, when they look a little angry, or say something that could be interpreted as them thinking that I am not good at what I am doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no point in caring what others think about me – what is important is that I know what I am doing – I know what I am pushing – I know what I am walking – and that I am walking to my utmost ability – and in that I know that I am doing what I can do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is that I must take ownership of my life, my work, my professional career, everything I do, make it mine and thus not anymore do it to satisfy another – but to create a purpose within it that I can walk, where I have my starting point, where I have my direction, and where I know/see how I am going to create myself within it all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to use my current work to learn as much about law and the legal system as I am able to – and I commit myself to focus my physical and mental energy on this process of learning, of understanding, and seeing the flaws, and mistakes, and the machinery of this system, and thus not anymore accept and allow fear to be a focus in my day-to-day living

When and as I notice that I am going into a state of rush, and inner speed, and where this is shown through becoming absent minded, forgetting things, and being generally incapable of focusing effectively, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that to ground myself back in my body, I require some moments for myself – I require some moments of breathing, applying self-forgiveness, and focusing myself back here – and thus I commit myself to give myself those moments – there is time for that – because I realize what a difference this will make for me – and how much more comfortable and relaxed I will be in my physical body as I get home – and how much more rested I will be as I wake up the next day – as I will not have abused and harmed my body through participating in stress, anxiety, and fear

I commit myself to walk my life with no fear, stress and anxiety, and show that it is possible to do this – and I commit myself to not fear mistakes

I commit myself to in relation to my profession, my career, to create a purpose within it, to thus create ownership in relation to all parts of my life, so that I am walking/creating for and as myself – walking and creating according to my plans, and according to what I see myself achieving in this life, and hence not within and as the fear of what my bosses, and colleagues might think about me – and thus I commit myself to take ownership in all parts of my life – to redefine who I am in the areas of my life where I notice that there is still fear and anxiety – as I understand that such reactions indicate that there is till a separation and that I have not effectively claimed ownership in relation to the point

Day 277: Performance Paranoia

Today’s blog will be about performance paranoia. Now, what is then performance paranoia?

Well, performance paranoia is that voice that can come up in your mind, that movement of fear in your chest, that slight perspiration forming on your forehead, and that increase of your heart rate, that happens when – you in some way or another have to perform.

In my life at the moment, performance paranoia has come through strongly when it comes to work, and wanting to show my bosses and co-workers that I can do the job effectively, precisely, and without making mistakes. Thus, I have wished to perform before my colleagues, and this have caused performance paranoia, because the moment there is something I want to achieve from/through another, what happens? Fear is created.

So, if we look at the polarity construct of performance paranoia, it consists of, on the one hand the desire to be liked/accepted/validated, and on the other hand, the fear of reprimands/being disliked or pushed away. There is thus always a conflict going on when an action is motivated from within and as performance paranoia – the conflict between the desire to be liked and the fear of not being liked. That is obviously not a very cool way to live, and fascinatingly enough, such a mind pattern actually decreases and diminishes one’s capacity to perform. Because where is our attention? Not on what we are doing HERE – rather it is on what we should NOT do, and what we SHOULD do, and how others might, or might not potentially react to our actions.

What is the missing puzzle piece here? Why does performance paranoia exist to begin within? If we look at what is the underlying desire within performance paranoia, which is to be accepted/liked/valued/included, we can conclude that the root cause of this polarity construct is that self has not yet lived self-acceptance and self-love – and here I mean an unconditional self-acceptance, and a unconditional self-love. And further, self as not yet developed an ownership in relation to work and careerseeing, realizing and understanding that work and career are actually parts of self and not something that is to be achieved and created ‘out there’.

Thus, solution: Develop self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance, and self-love, particularly in relation to the work environment.

And now for the more difficult question, how is this practically done?

Well, one point that I see immediately is to stop harassing and judging myself when I make mistakes. Mistakes must be embraced and seen as a natural part of self-development – a natural part of any process of learning. Hence, even though another might become irritated and judgmental because I have made a mistake, I cannot accept and allow myself to be like that with myself. Regardless, I must stand within acceptance and self-love, and embrace the mistake. Though, that does not mean that I should simply accept myself as bad at something, no, it simply means that the self-development and improvement, where I push myself to excel, that movement must be birthed from within and as a sense of genuine joy, creativity, exploration, and desire to improve on myself – not from within and as a starting point of lack.

Another solution would be to give myself ownership of my work, to instead of ‘doing it for them’ – start doing it for me. And within this start pushing myself to really excel, be precise, specific, and detailed in all aspects of work, for myself, that is something that I do to challenge myself, and to become more effective at what I am doing – and within this make the starting point in this creation process that genuine joy that exists within challenging myself and expanding myself in skills and abilities.

The rewards of this would naturally be that work becomes something real, something I do for me, a place where I go and where I develop, expand, and push myself for myself, and not to be liked, or appreciated by another. And where work is not a place where I fear to be judged, because I have stopped self-judgment, and hence, work instead becomes a playground of exploration, where I have the opportunity to push and develop certain skills and abilities, and refine myself, and my capabilities in my chosen field even more.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have to change my relationship to work, that I cannot expect my bosses or colleagues to make my work rewarding, enjoyable, fascinating, and developing, I must create and build that myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to do that – I must claim ownership of my work, and my career, to within this see that my work, and my career is a part of me, and thus something I have to develop and create within me, and something that will reflect my relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with work is my responsibility, and that I cannot give that over to anyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to live fulfillment in my life, I must fulfill myself, and this is something that I do through a process of self-creation, where I actively, in all parts of my life, create myself, see how I can develop and expand myself, see how I can push my skills and abilities even further, see how I can become more effective, more stable, more directive, and learn more, and thus constantly push myself to expand – and I see, realize and understand, that this is the joy of living, working, and walking a career path, that there is constantly room for expansion and improvement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I actually enjoy my work – a lot – yet – when I accept and allow myself to become influenced by others, and their negative experiences to work, this causes me to lose sight of myself, and my own relationship with work, where I actually enjoy getting into specifics, details, reading, and pushing myself to develop myself intellectually – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to really enjoy work, I require to open the flood gates of self-expression, and vest myself in my career, and my work, to get into it, and not hold back, to accept and embrace it as a part of me, and a part of my life, and thus something that it is my responsibility to create

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a truth that goes in all aspects of my life, that it is up to me to create them, it is up to me to define them, it is up to me to find that within them which I can use to support, enhance and create myself – nothing will just happen – nothing will just come and find me one day – no – I must be the creator and create that which I want in my life – be the directive principle – be the movement – the initiator – the shaper of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to except things to change, to expect things to happen, to expect things to become better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it will not – I will have to make that change – I will have to make that improvement – I will have to create that change – it will not come by itself – it will not magically appear – either I create it – or it will not be here

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to make work my own, to take ownership, and to each day push myself to expand, to learn, to develop my skills, to enhance my abilities, and proceed forward in my development – and in this I see that I am myself responsible for my self-creation – and thus I commit myself to embrace that responsibility and make work my playground of self-creation – where I can expand and develop skills so that I become a better human being

I commit myself to take ownership of my process of self-creation, and see that there is a opportunity of for self-creation in all parts and aspects of my life, and that is up to me to find that point of self-creation – it is up to me to define that point of self-creation – and it is up to me to make it happen – and thus I commit myself to write a list of all points that I want to push and create in my life – and thus push my process of self-expansion and self-development – and understand that when things do not move forward – it is because I do not move forward

Day 201: Studies and Self-Worth

The season of exams usually comes with stress and anxiety for me – though this time around I’ve been willing myself to consistently utilize the tool of self-forgiveness and breathing to bring myself out of this worrisome state of mind.

In going deeper into these reactions I’ve realized one fascinating thing – that often the reason that I am anxious and worried is because I want to receive a good mark, and excel in the course – though – and here is the interesting part – it’s not actually for ME. I’ve found that the reason I want to excel, the reason I want to get great marks is because I want OTHERS to like me, to be impressed by me, to find some worth and value in me – and so this shows an interesting separation in my starting point in regards to studies – that there exist a point of wanting to prove myself to others, and build my self-value and worth through the reactions, and experiences others have towards me.

I’ve seen that there are some primary persons that I desire to impress, and included in that number is my parents, and my family – even though I am soon in my thirties this point exist within me – that I want to show how good I am to my parents and through that gain a feeling of value and worth. Otherwise there is no actual person I want to impress, rather it’s me wanting to be impressive in general, and to be that I require to be in some favorable and highly regarded position in the system – where I will be seen as a winner, gain the respect and admiration from others, and apparently within that be valuable.

Thus – the point I want to reach is to get back to myself – and do my studies for ME – set high standards and far reaching goals for MYSELF – and not to impress another – and in this be unconditional with myself – and if I happen to fail in reaching my goals or living up to my standards – to then assist and support myself to enhance myself – and not judge myself, or go into worry, fear, and anxiety – rather push myself, will myself, and drive myself – yet without a energy driving me forward.

So, I see that when I study for my exams, and when I do my exams, I can transform this desire to be approved, to instead utilizing these situations as challenges, where I push myself to remain stable in the face of adversities and challenges – and where I push myself to reach my goals, and apply myself to the best of my ability – and not accept and allow anything less of myself than what I know am capable of – and where I take into account that my studiousness will pay off in that it will be a stepping stone into my future – thus I take the point back to myself – and make studying something I do for myself – make exams something that I do for me – make schooling and education something that I do for me – something that I walk and that I can utilize to challenge myself, grow and expand.

Thus – instead of anxiety and stress – rather look with excitement and thrill towards placing myself in a situation where I will be challenged mentally and physically – because there I know that I can push myself, will myself, and expand myself beyond what I thought myself capable of doing – as such I walk into the system realizing that it’s an adventure that will challenge me in a multitude of ways – and that even though it might be physically arduous and tough – I can still enjoy and utilize the process as nourishment in my self-growth – because I decide to do that.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change and transform the challenge of walking in the system, the difficulties, that hardships, into points that I use to grow, to expand and to develop myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make schooling, exams, and university studies an expression of myself – something that I do for myself – something that I will myself to excel within and create the best possible outcome within – as a personal challenge for me to expand myself – as well as realizing that it’s through this process that I am setting the bedrock for my future in the world money system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the challenge, the difficulty, and the arduous process of creating a life for myself in this world, and this system – and see, realize and understand that even though it can be physically and demanding – that I don’t require to burden myself emotionally – but that I can walk through it and remain within and as the stability my human physical body provides – and utilize my life as a platform upon which I create the character of life I see have the potential to live – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my exam that I am going to have tomorrow – to embrace all possible outcomes – to embrace all possible outflows – and to stabilize myself within and as my human physical body and remain stable throughout the event

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to excel in my studies, and get the best mark, get recognized and highly valued by my teachers, and my parents, thinking that this is how I generate value for myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally value myself – to not unconditionally give myself the piece of mind to know that regardless of the outcome of the test and my exams – I will stand by myself in stability within and as my human physical body – and not accept and allow myself to be influenced on a feeling or emotional level

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous and anxious as to not producing the best mark tomorrow at my exam – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and define my self-value and self-worth according to the mark I receive – and according to the reactions I receive from family members and other close relatives as to my grades – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus not accept myself unconditionally – and embrace the test and all outcomes and realize that regardless of what mark I receive I will still love myself – and accept myself – and not accept and allow myself to limit my relationship with myself upon the basis of how I am graded and categorized in the system of money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous and anxious that I won’t produce the best mark – that I will receive questions that are too difficult and tough to get through – and that I am because of that going to fail with my exam – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a hope and desire within me – that I am going to succeed with my exams – that I am going to succeed with my education – that I am going to be able to get a fantastic and desirable job when I am done with my degree – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto that positive self-image in my mind – and have that as a desire that burns within me and drives me forward – not realizing that this creates an equal amount of fear and anxiety that serves to stagnate me and make me mentally ineffective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value through the self-definition that ‘I am intelligent’ and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only real value and skill that I have is that I can study effectively, memorize information, and then repeat it before teachers and get good grades in school – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my relationship with myself in thinking that all of my stability and my value rests upon my enabling myself to achieve in school – not seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not all of me – that this doesn’t signify the entirety of my relationship with myself – and thus I commit myself to accept and value myself regardless of how I am evaluated and defined through marks and grades in school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value and accept myself regardless of marks and grades in school – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that marks and grades in school is my only asset – the only thing that I have to compete with in this harsh and brutal world – and that thus I must at all stages always impress upon others – and make sure that I get the best grades – the best marks – and that I prove my excellence and capabilities to others – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and give myself the present of valuing and accepting myself unconditionally – not accepting and allowing any roadblocks within me to stand in the way of me living me life in a constant state of stability – where I don’t fluctuate or move regardless of the situation I am facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for acceptance and stability – and expect these expressions to come through when and if I am able to effectively place myself in the world system – and create a life for myself that is stable with regards to money – and where I have a prestigious and highly regarded job – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my own salvation – to wait for my own life to happen – instead of me giving myself permission and allowance to live that here – to not anymore wait for something to manifest in my future – but instead give this point to myself here – that I am stability – that I am sound and grounded – and regardless of the outcome of my test and my exam – I will stand here grounded and stable with myself and not accept and allow myself to waver

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into the worrisome-character, as thinking about whether or whether not I am going to get the best mark in the test and exam to come, and whether or whether not I’ll be able to get a good and prestigious job in the future – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear and anxiety is misplaced – that I don’t require it and need to live a fulfilling life – and that I must give myself the permission to not succeed with my goals and plans – and be fine with that – and stand in such a way within me that regardless of how my physical reality moves – I remain grounded – physical – sound and stable – and nothing moves within me; thus I commit myself to breathe through these reactions – and ground myself back into my physical body – and state to myself that I am here – and I accept and value myself regardless of the outcome of my exam

I commit myself to with self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements – work with my self-experience – so that I don’t anymore go into anxiety and fear when I am faced with challenges in this world with regards to money – and thus I commit myself to practice and create a stability within me that can’t be touched – that is unbreakable – that is untouchable – and that regardless of the outcome in my world – I stand within and as this stability and move myself

I commit myself to accept and love myself regardless of the outcome of my exam

I commit myself to not base my value and worth on the outcome of my exam

I commit myself to support myself through the exam – and through writing the exam – through breathing and grounding myself back into my human physical body – and not accepting and allowing myself to make this event in anyway emotional – but rather walk through it as the physical and mental challenge that it is in-fact – and enjoy the point of seeing how effective I can be in this pressure situation – and how I can push myself to be stable and walk the point regardless of the pressure of the situation

Day 180: Becoming Something Or Being Something

One experience that tends to come up within me as I raise up in the mornings, is a sense of inadequacy, defeat and lack of success – this experience then triggers me to go into my mind and find some form of reason that would be suitable to justify and fit into this initial experience – and my thoughts will then go into looking at my life, looking at what I am doing with my time; am I achieving enough? Am I completing enough things? Does my life move, as I’d like it to move? Am I really doing as much as I want to do with my life?

The interesting thing about this, is the fact that I am already utilizing my time very effectively, I am literally busy almost from the moment that I wake up until the moment that I go to bed, and some days I give myself time for entertainment and relaxation, but it’s not something that I do excessively, or over the brim – practically speaking – I am satisfied with how I am moving myself throughout my day – there is a constancy, a drive, and a motion forward – and that is what I want; but STILL – this experience emerge within me.

This then begs the question, what the heck is it that is going on within me, where does this experience really come from?

One aspect that stands out in the experience is fear, there is a underlying and glooming fear that permeates these thoughts, and images that comes up in my mind, showing me how I am not “doing enough with my life” – thus: What is occurring and coming up within is really a fear of not being able to leave a mark – a fear of leaving this world in a state of being unknown, unrecognized, and undistinguished – a.k.a. a nobody.

One of the consequences I create for myself through going into this experience is that I will stress myself throughout my day, I will constantly, and continuously move myself to new points, save more time, become more productive, become more effective, more enhanced, precise, and specific, up the output even more – it can likened with how our industrial revolution have changed the manner in which manual labor is performed.

Because, before the machine, before the global crisis, there was a sense of enjoyment in labor, and the pace of labor was not that of upping the output, but rather moving the point, getting it done, and producing a satisfying result – here thus there was no greed as is the case today – where we constantly want more, get more, push more, develop more, get more out of it – back in the day such concepts had much less force than is the case today: A farmer would wake up – walk through his routine – handle the points that was required to be handled – care for his farm and his beasts – and then go to bed – the farmer was then neither famous or distinguished but that was irrelevant in a time and age where media and fame was unknown.

Thus, what I see, is that this tendency, and character that comes up within me – let’s call it the I-want-more-character – is really a outflow consequence of our modern day way of looking at and perceiving life – wherein we tend to see life as this momentum of time that is here for us to make an imprint and satisfy our urges – and unless we’re able to get our individuality through and make some form of mark – our lives have been lived in vain: And obviously – this is a completely ridiculous and futile way of living life – because where is it getting us? Nowhere! And what we miss is the present breath – miss standing here and smelling the roses – looking at what is here and that is offered with each breath – and each moment.

Thus, what I see that there is a clear correction for this point – and that is to practice valuing and appreciating what I have here in my life at this moment – valuing and appreciating the simple things in life – such as breathing – such as sharing a moment with another – such as drinking a coffee – and in this realize that while I am here in this life – I require to give myself direction and movement – and do something with myself; that direction might or might not cause me to become observable and seen by others – yet it can’t be a purpose in itself – it can’t be something that defines and marks me – because I must stand as that point for myself – and wake up each morning – stable – regardless of my position, my prominence or notoriety in this world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my satisfaction with myself upon whether I am succeeding in the eyes of the world or not, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define success, to define notoriety, to define eminence and greatness in this world, as something to strive for, and as something that will enhance my life with substance, purpose, and meaning – and that only when I achieve these things will I be able to let my guard down – and come down to earth – and relax myself; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with wanting to create a life for myself – from within and as the belief that it’s my life that defines who I am – that defines what I am – and that gives me value, substance and purpose – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that it’s ME that decides to give me purpose, value and meaning – and that it’s not something that I can wait for or expect to be given to me from the outside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning and experience myself as being empty, barren and idle – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my living, life and movement is pointless, and lacks substance, and lacks life, and that it will remain as such until I am able to achieve a position of fame, and fortune, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to burnt into my mind, that I must make something of myself, that I must leave a mark, that I must be significant, that I must become famous, and recognized, before I am able to let go, enjoy myself, and participate in this world in stability, in breath, and in hereness with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that there is something wrong with leading a normal life, a life that is without extravagance, a life that is without purpose, or fame, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I wake up in the morning, to look at my life from a starting point of the pictures that occupies and makes up the visual aspect of my world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself – to not see WHO I AM in my life and WHAT I LIVE – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what is important – what is important is who I am – is what I will accept and allow in each and every moment of breath – is what I will myself to stand and live as in this world – and what I will myself to walk – and the principle from within which I apply myself and move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself, and define whether I am successful or not, whether I am moving myself or not, upon the basis of how my external world responds, and think and believe that I am moving myself, that I am being successful, that I am being distinguished, and that I have value, when my external environment rewards me, gives me attention, notices me, and gratify me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for another to make me whole and complete – and believe that this is what lacks in my life – that there must be some tumultuous and great event that occurs – and that makes my life meaningful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am really in a perfect position to walk my process in my current environment, that everything is set, everything is stable, everything is positioned effectively, and thus all I require to do is to walk – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this idea that there is something more required, some form of greatness, and superiority, and magnificent occurrence that must be realized, is completely ludicrous, and doesn’t belong in me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and push myself to walk moment by moment – to push myself and will myself to value and appreciate myself – and what is here in my world – to realize that everything is already here and that thus – I don’t require anything more or better – or leaving a mark in someway – because such a point isn’t real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and make the decision to value myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in comparisons within me – wherein I will compare myself to certain individuals in my world – that I perceive are leading successful and notable lives – wherein they have earned prominence and are seen as illustrious – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that unless I reach and create a similar point for myself in my life – than my life will be without meaning and purpose – and will lack substance – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is me – myself – that gives my life substance, meaning, and worth – and how it is me that gives myself the opportunity and the freedom to create myself – and build myself – and that I don’t require my external environment to change – for me to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here – and realize that HERE is life – that life is not out there in creating a idea world for myself – of me being noticed and distinguished – but rather life is HERE – life is the breath I breathe – life is the physical that surrounds me – life is the wind that brushes my cheek and the sunbeams that grazes my chins – and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to recognize and embrace the fullness and completeness of life that is here in every moment for me to participate and partake within – that I am limiting myself from doing – when and as I am participating in my mind in someway or another

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am participating in my mind, and I am leaving this here-moment in order to be in a future, where I perceive that I will gain reputation, eminence, and within that purpose, and substance, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that living, that moving, and that participating in this world is an opportunity for me to stand with life, and that I don’t have to create this glorious and magnificent life for myself, wherein my presence is known, respected and distinguished, but that I can live fulfillment and substance here as a decision that I make in every moment of breath – that I am here – I live – I move and I act – I stand and I participate and I don’t accept and allow myself to be limited by an idea of an future in my mind; thus I commit myself to live HERE and to value and appreciate the life that is here in every moment – to value and appreciate the life that is me here in every moment

I commit myself to value and appreciate the simplicity of life that surrounds me and that is here in every moment of breath – and I commit myself to wake up in the morning and appreciate the fullness of life that exists here and that I am able to partake within when and as I let go of the mind and the illusions of “being somebody” and “making something out of myself” – and thus I commit myself be HERE with and as my human physical body – and equalize myself within and as the exuberance of life as equality and oneness here

Day 22: Test-anxiety – Forgetfulness (Part 12)

One fear that I have in relation towards doing my exams – is that I will sit down behind my desk, be handed the exam, and then – in the same moment as I turn my exam paper around to look at the questions – completely blank and remember absolutely nothing – or – looking at the question – realize that I absolutely can’t in anyway know what the answer is.

I’ve actually through-out my studies faced these particular points – what’s interesting is that each time it’s happened – I’ve decided to “fuck it” and simply write an answer without worrying about whether it was wrong or right, and interestingly enough this has brought good marks. What does this then indicate?

It indicates that fear does not dictate who I am, and that the experience of being blank while seeing a question – isn’t real – because when I’ve prepared myself effectively the information is integrated, and automated as a part of my very flesh – which means that the information is simply here and that I don’t require to think, worry, fear, or experience anything in order to answer the question.

forgetfulness-800X800It’s funny to see that for each test that I’ve done so far in the university I’ve felt that I wasn’t going to make it – that I was going to get a shitty result, and that I was going to fail – yet – I’ve received top marks each time – this is showing me that what I feel can’t be trusted – what I think can’t be trusted – what I can trust is that there is a direct correlation between how much time, and effort I give to preparing for my exams, and the final outcome of the exam – thus when I’m doing to exam, or I’m about to do the exam, or I’ve done the exam – I can’t trust any thoughts coming up to me – analyzing my chances as to what grade I will receive – as these thoughts are simply not real – and they do not say anything about my actual application within doing the exam.

Fear can’t be trusted – and anxiety can’t be trusted – what can be trusted is the physical – placing time, and effort into preparation for my exam is a physical point and can as such be trusted as a indicator as to what the final outcome on my exams will be – also – fear when I see a question that I don’t know the answer to, and that I black-out seeing while doing my exam – isn’t real – and it doesn’t give me an indicator as to my ability to answer the question effectively – because for that is a physical movement point and not anything that have anything to do with my mind – or fear.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety that I will sit down by my exam – and then forget everything, and go into a blank – and not know what to write – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind – to trust fear – to trust the blankness that emerge within me – instead of me trusting myself – and instead me taking a breath in that moment and simply walking the test to my fullest, and utmost capacity

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in fearing something – I am creating that something – thus in fearing that I will fail – in fearing that I won’t know the answer – in fearing that I won’t be able to find out and walk my exam sufficiently – I am in-fact creating, and manifesting that very fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, and have a opposite idea within – thinking that fear protects me – and that fear will make me experience less failure – trusting that fear will make my life easier, and more safe – not realizing, seeing and understanding – that this is not the case

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear protects, and that fear makes me safe – and that fear makes me more comfortable – and that fear makes it easier for me to walk, and participate within and as my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here – and to realize that fear sucks – meaning that fear sucks the life force out me – and makes me a zombie unable to direct myself and make a decision – simply because I am stuck in a state of mind as fear – a state my–inn – meaning – being stuck in my own mind in my own world and missing to live – and participate in this world here

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fear my god, in believing that if I make fear my god – then fear will protect me – and fear will make me be safe – and fear will make sure that my life becomes a success – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and realize that fear hasn’t done anything for me in my life even though I’ve fully trusted and given my all to fear – fear has only served to limit me in my life – and to make life nothing but a failure, and a mistake – and a complete journey of failure

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason I’ve nearly not made some exams – has been because of fear – it’s not been because I’ve lacked the knowledge – it’s not been because I’ve been badly prepared – it’s been because I’ve went into a state of panic, and fear – and within this missed reading the question effectively – and as such not been in a relaxed, and comfortable state to be able to answer the questions effectively – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop trusting fear – and to instead live HERE with and as breath – without fear

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I go into a fear of forgetting everything when I am writing my exam, and going into a blank – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and within this I see, realize, and understand that I am in this moment giving my trust, and my life over to fear – instead of remaining cool – remaining breathing – remaining stable here; as such I commit myself to breath – and remain with and as my body in oneness and equality – and not go into panic – but to remain here with and as my human physical body in oneness and equality

2. When and as I see that I am going into fear, and I believe that I am protecting myself by going into fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I am not protecting myself by going into fear – I am in-fact merely creating that which I fear – which is obviously not what I want for myself and as such it’s stupid for me to rely upon fear – as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to breath – and to not rely upon fear but to rely upon my human physical body – and walking HERE with and as every breath – with and as every moment of being here – making sure that I live fully and that I don’t hold myself back in fear

3. When and as I see that I am participating in fear and that I think that fear makes me better, more protected, more enhanced to live and take care of myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – fear – is limitation – fear is stupidity – fear is the inability to be here – stable – sound and directive within and as the moment – as such I commit myself to STOP being a slave to fear – and to stop trusting fear – and instead begin practicing to only ever trust myself here – within and as my human physical body

4. When and as I see that I am making fear my god – through making a decision upon the basis of fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in making a decision upon the basis of fear – I am limiting myself, I am limiting my life, I am limiting my living and my movement here – as such I commit myself to bring myself back into and as my human physical body and participate – and walk HERE within and as my human physical body

5. When and as I give fear attention – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in giving fear attention – I am giving fear power – and I am removing power from myself as the living principle and direction here – as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical – and to align myself with and as real power – as physical self-movement, and direction – and within this delete fear from my life in all ways – and walk fully the understanding that life can only exist where there is no more fear

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Day 19: Test-anxiety – Competition (Part 9)

One of the reasons I experience anxiety, and fear towards not receiving a good grade on my exams is because of competition, and comparison – meaning – that I have thoughts about how I will perform, in relation to others – and within this I experience fear that I will not perform as well as others are going to perform.

competition-people1My first memories of competition in relation to school is from when I was around 10 years old – and here I remember that I was competing with one of my friends as to how got the best test score. When I got the best score I was happy, and excited – and I looked with glee at my friends score, and within that I felt like a winner. When my friend got the best score I became jealous, and I felt inferior and had thoughts of the nature such as: “I must practice more!” – “How come my friend always get’s a better score than me?!” – “Why can’t I be as good as my friend?”

Currently I am studying law – and this education is famous for being very competitive, because in essence your career possibilities are determined by what grades you receive – so I’ve seen that I’ve become very much affected by how my course-mates feel in relation to their grades, and I can see how I’ve been swept into this grade-competition cult. In the beginning when I first started this education I wasn’t that much fearful of receiving a bad grade, but the more, and more I’ve become integrated into the law-culture – I’ve become more inclined to worry, and fear about my grades.

So – here I have a cool opportunity to stand up and stand as an example of not accepting and allowing oneself to go into, and exist as competition – but to instead walk one’s education from a starting point of self-performance – where one change one’s starting point of competition – from competing with others to feel like a winner – to instead compete with oneself in challenging oneself to perform more effectively, and push through resistances, and become more dedicated, and diligent in relation to one’s studies.

Obviously – this is how competition should exist in this world – there shouldn’t be any comparative competition because really such competition is in-fact a lie – because it’s utterly impossible to compete against another as everyone as totally different capabilities, and resources at their disposal – we have all different genetic makeups, all different past’s, different up-bringing’s, and as such it’s really impossible for two people to compete – because they are never equal in all their prerequisites.

Thus – I will push to when I study – to change the competition – from ego-competition – to self-competition – as competing with oneself in challenging oneself to excel – obviously not from a emotional starting point – and not from a starting point of self-judgment – but instead like a game that I am able to play with myself – and that I am able to use to become more effective in my living, and in my various skills that I’ve taken on and decided to develop in this life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to infest myself with competition, and to study from a starting point of competition, and feeling that I am less than others – and that I have to perform, and become better than others in order to be satisfied with myself – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to recognize the fact that competition isn’t in-fact real – when I am competing with others – because I can’t compete with others as no two people have the same prerequisites – as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to instead change competition to become a self-support point – wherein I accept and allow myself to compete with myself – in challenging myself to excel, and become more effective within the points that I am walking in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how comparison, and competition are in-fact lies, and illusions that are spread in this world as a virus by media, education, and parents – believing that it’s possible for two people to compare each-other – when obviously it’s not possible – and as such the entire starting point of education, and comparison – and competition in this world is flawed – and without reality-connection; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced by, and take on this flawed definition, and idea of competition – and try to live it within myself, and my world – instead of seeing that it’s not reality-compatible – and that it will accordingly only create conflict within me and my life

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how jealousy, and competition are in-fact misunderstandings – as creations that have been developed from within a assumption that two points can be compared in this reality – while this is not so – as all points in this world, and reality have their own unique past’s, their own unique prerequisites – and as such the idea of competition, jealousy, and comparison – is a flawed idea that is not functional in reality – and based on reality

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into competition, jealousy, and comparison with others – and from this fuel anxiety, and fear within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how competition, comparison, and jealousy are concepts that are flawed – and not aligned with reality – they are in-fact illusions and mental projections; as such I commit myself to change competition – and comparison – and create this to be a supportive point for myself – that I utilize within myself – towards myself – to perfect, and move myself to become more effective in regards to the skills, and applications that I’ve taken on to develop and create within and as this lifetime

When and as I see that I am reacting towards what I perceive to be another being more effective than me – and I in that go into anxiety, and jealousy – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t compare myself with another – I can look at another for inspiration – but comparing myself is not viable – because it’s not real – because I am not another – and as such I can’t compare myself with another – though I am able to utilize what I see another do effectively within me – and develop this point in me – from a starting point of self-support, wherein I recognize that I am different than another – and that I can’t expect myself to be like another – and that I as such have to work with myself – here – as what is here as me currently; as such I commit myself to work with me – and to not work, and develop myself from a starting point of comparing myself with another – but instead work, and develop myself – within and as my living – from a starting point of me considering myself – and who I am within and as myself