Tag Archives: mind

Day 343: Fear of Loosing My Freedom?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking, imagining, fantasizing, as freedom, to think that it is through using the mind that I am able to be free, and that it is through the physical that I am stuck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming stuck, locked into, and defined by the physical, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, giving up the mind and embracing the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up fantasies, in the fear that I will become limited

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up thoughts, projects, and imaginations, in fear that I will become limited without them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to believe that I can be dis-empowered by the physical, and that the mind empowers and strengthens me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear silence, quiet, and darkness, to fear being without a constant chatter within me, where I look at things, believing that it is freedom, to constantly move around within and look at different things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is freedom, freeing, and fulfilling, to constantly be busy with things, and believe, that the busier I am, that the more fulfilling, enjoyable, and great my life is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my mind in the belief that my mind makes me free – and that my mind makes me flexible – and that I would die, shrivel, and loose my vitality without constantly being in my mind, and using my mind to think about things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up and stopping my tendency to think about, imagine, and fantasize about the future, in fear that I will limit myself, and confine myself, and loose the experience of freedom that I feel I am having when I am participating in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being earthed is being isolated and locked down – that it means that I cannot express myself – that I cannot look at things or expand – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate expansion, looking, movement, freedom, with my mind, instead of living these words as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from living freedom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate freedom with looking at my future in my mind – looking at what I am going to do next – looking at my opportunities – looking at what might arise and come into my life next – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – bring myself back here – and see, realize and understand, that freedom as a real expression – does not yet exist in this world – that freedom is something to be created on a global level through changes in the world system – and that freedom does not mean being able to fantasize about things in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel secure when I am able to fantasize about what is going to happen in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable and at ease when I imagine and fantasize about my next move in the future – and to believe that existing and expressing myself HERE is a prison – because then I am not able to visit far away places in my mind – then I am locked down and defined within my body to only be here – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I do have the potential of living and creating myself as the word freedom – that this is nothing I need to wait for – and that living the word freedom in the physical is a lot more powerful than only experiencing it in my mind

When and as I see myself going into future projections – and I feel comfortable/at ease/free – I take a breath – and I stop myself and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that real freedom is freedom lived and experienced in the PHYSICAL – not an experience – not a thought – real freedom is something that cannot be imagined – and thus I commit myself to instead of thinking about freedom in my mind – practice CREATING real freedom in my life – through living FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION – which is a real and substantial freedom that I am able to grant myself

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Day 337: How To End Rear View Mirror Living?

When you build something big, such as a house, there will (unless you are MacGyver or some other perfect individual) be mistakes made, things missed, points forgotten, or not considered sufficiently. I know because I have been there, it is not possible, or at least, close to impossible to build the perfect house, or the perfect what-so-ever. In the end, there will always be things that could have been better. For me, it has been sometimes difficult to come to terms with these mistakes, that after the house has been finished, each day openly and glaringly stares me in my face. The emotion is there, that deep urge, and desire, to be able to turn back time and make a different decision, the right one. And even though it is of no point to go in my mind go back in time, and consider these things, the experience driving this thought-process is an experience that it could potentially change something, there is that nagging experience, that maybe, maybe if I stick with it, and look at it once more, it will change.

This way of approaching life – which I coin Rear-View-Mirror-Living – is a real party killer. The consequences of ‘Rear-Mirroring’ (the verb conjugation of my new word) is that I will not give the necessary attention to my life HERE, I will not focus on improving and pushing my daily living forward, but my thoughts, and my considerations will remain in the past – LIFE here will become but a empty narrative – bereft of substance – because all of my being will be in the past. The main problem thus is that no CREATION will happen as all attention is gathered on what has already been created – and the faults/mistakes of that particular creation – it is a form of regret. And we, sane people, can all agree that living in regret is no way to live, though few of us are able to use that regret, the Rear-Mirror-Living, as keys to self-expansion and building a better life for ourselves. In other words, making the enemy our friend.

What we see in our rear view and that bugs us will be consequences created by aspects of ourselves which we are able to change in the present. Unfortunately however, what we see in our rear view, such as regrets, will often end up as an emotion a – a state of dissatisfaction and a point that we continuously go back to in order to ponder – only serving our mind and not our physical creation. Hence, what is missed in that state of pondering about the past is that we can instead look at HOW we created the particular situation that is now a point of regret within us; What about our character was responsible for creating the situation/point we now experience a regret towards? Because, if we are able to see HOW we created a particular point in the past, we can identify where we are creating the same in our present reality, and thus how we are able to assist and support ourselves to change, and realign, to NOT recreate the past.

A part from us being able to shift the tendency of Rear-View-Mirror-Living into a present and future oriented CREATION living – what is important when it comes to stopping our ‘looking back phenomena’ is to dare to NOT think – having the courage to simply STOP. I have noticed that at times, I have felt compelled to think about something, and oftentimes the illusion is that I am able to reach some form of conclusion or state of release by thinking, thus making me anxious of stopping my thought process, because what if I then miss out on this great realization I am apparently about to have? However, I have realized that, thinking about these things, without exception, always leads to an even more unstable and conflicted state of mind. Release only comes through letting go of the process of thinking, and that takes some courage, because it implies letting go of the problem/issue/experience that is the foundation of the thought pattern. And because we let go of a foundation, we now have to create our own self – our own direction/movement/future – that is why it is so scary – we are entering into the unknown.

Let us look at another perspective on this point: When someone goes of rambling about mistakes they did in the past, it is easy to attempt and try to comfort them by telling them that things are not as bad as they think. This however is not an efficient way of approaching the Rear-View-Character – what instead should be brought to their attention is that by looking at the mechanics of HOW their past moment was created – and HOW those mechanics are still a part of their present life – and as such – they will be able to stop themselves from recreating their past. Hence their focus and effort should be placed on aligning and changing these inefficient traits, memes and quirks (their current self-mechanics) so that they can walk into a better future. When we look at the past pro-actively – it can be a GREAT source of knowledge that we are able to use to get to know ourselves better.

To sum it up. Rear-View-Mirror-Living (do I have copyright on this term now?) is in its essence an addiction to thoughts – we want to think about our past – feel good or bad about it – continuously assess, value, pinpoint, and define with our minds. This is a LIMITATION – because by existing in a Rear View State – we miss out on CREATING our life HERE. This brings me into the solution – which is to CREATE: CREATE our future – CREATE our character – CREATE our skills, abilities, our integrity, our state of mind, our WHO WE ARE – and NOT leave anything to to chance. In that process of CREATION – we are able to use our inner Rear View Mirror to LEARN about ourselves – to see where we need fine tuning, and to understand, what consequences our characters and patterns have the potential of creating. However – the Rear View must never become a purpose in itself – we USE it to expand – not to be in a constant state of looking back.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 287: When a NO is more of a YES

Walking the Desteni process you get to learn how to stop your mind; for example, how to stop anger, irritation, fear, etc. In my own process I have enabled myself to stop various forms of thoughts, experiences, and other type of mind related points. Mostly, I have done this through stating ‘STOP!’ Or ‘NO!’ within me as the mind point arise. However, there are certain points that I have had difficulty with and that still at times pester me. These points have in common that my ‘NO!’ does not seem to have any effect. I will say ‘NO!’ inside of me several times, yet nothing happens, nothing moves, it is as if I have rather said ‘Okay!’ inside of myself.

When this happens it indicates that the ‘NO!’ is not clear and absolute. It indicates that there still is some form of hidden self-interest lurking in the background. In having this hidden self-interest I will then corrupt my NO statement, and sneak in some silent YES statements. The YES statement does not necessarily have to be expressed in the mind – it can come up as this underlying and deep movement of resistance. It will feel like I am not completely present in my body – an experience of resignation.

Thus, when this happens, I have found that it is important to locate the hidden point of self-interest. The self-interest will vary depending on the mind point. For me I have seen that my difficulty in stopping certain anger reactions has been because I held unto the self-interest of wanting division of labor and responsibilities to be fair and just. And I have seen that my problems with changing fear and social anxiety has been related to the self-interest of wanting to protect myself, and feel in-control in social contexts. And fears with regards to job, career and money has several times been connected to the self-interest of wanting to be in control, and secure more money for myself to feel safe.

The key to being able to stop the mind is to get to the point of standing as a clear and absolute NO – and to embrace a clear and absolute NO there cannot be any self-interest still existing within self. Jesus said that a house divided against itself cannot stand – and the same principle applies within us. If we state NO yet we do not back that statement fully – we will not stand. The reason for a division within self is because there are parts of self not yet investigated and directed – hence the importance of self-introspection and writing. In getting to know all of our own secrets, we empower ourselves to make a clear and absolute decision as to who we are – and that makes all the difference.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I have a difficulty in stopping myself and saying – NO – and living that NO – then there is a hidden self-interest that I have not yet opened up and directed – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize writing and self-forgiveness to open up and direct all points of self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto self-interest when it comes to unfairness, when I feel that I am doing more work than others, and thus through holding unto this self-interest, disable myself from effectively stating NO and stopping anger and frustration coming up when I feel that I am doing more than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a self-interest of me doing less than or equal to others when it comes to physical labor and caring for other responsibilities – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do more than others – and to not want to commit myself and my time to helping and assisting others – feeling/experiencing that it is ‘my time’ and that I as such have primary importance – in that I should be allowed to do what I want with my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize anger as a way of complaining about me feeling that the division of labor is not fair and equitable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the division of labor and responsibilities to be equitable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to put in more effort – but only give as much as is needed – the smallest amount possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to push, create and move points, so that they work, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to make them the best that they can be – and give that extra effort to move the point into a state of perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist pushing for perfection, because I feel that it is not worth the effort, and thus be content with mediocrity – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be content ‘when things work’ – instead of pushing myself to make things work excellently – and only then – when things are in optimum condition – having reached their fullest potential – accept and allow myself to be content with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to closely watch others and the amount of physical work and activity they put down into their responsibilities – so that they will not trick me so that I get to do the brunt of the work – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this state of policing – where I attempt to make sure that all responsibilities are divided equitably and fairly – and that no one gets to do more than another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as an example of pushing myself to do that little extra that makes a point of creation excellent – perfect – and something to be proud over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally push myself to contribute to my life and others in my life – through giving my responsibilities and commitments my utmost attention – and pushing them to perfection – hence not accepting and allowing myself a point to be only ‘good’ or ‘working’ – but instead pushing for the point to be perfect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist working and taking care of responsibilities – because I feel that others have done less than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving into laziness and apathy through thinking that I have already done enough – and that now it is time for others to step up and do their part

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify doing the least amount of work through thinking that others are doing the same and that I am no worse than what they are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to release this self-interest within me of wanting to do as little work as is possible – and instead embrace the point of pushing myself in work and physical labor – to through that create value for myself as well as others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into wanting to avoid work because I feel that I have already done enough, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this pattern of wanting to do the least amount possible is not best for me, neither best for others, and is creating the dynamic of competition – where each one only want to do the least amount possible – and trying to divide the work equitably – yet always there will be the feeling that someone gets to do more than another – thus I commit myself to embrace work, and responsibilities – to push myself to take them to perfection and not fear/resist taking on more than others – understanding that I create value for myself and others through my movement – and that I stand as an example for others in my decision to move

When and as I see myself policing others, because I want to make sure that they do the exact same amount of work as I do, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this state of policing brings me into a mindset of looking at what others are doing, instead of looking at what I am doing, and how I can contribute, and how I can support myself and others – thus entering into a state of competition – instead of remaining within a state of creation – thus I commit myself to place my focus on me and what I create – what I contribute with – what I give and how I am able to support and bring through that which is supportive and best for all

When and as I see myself feeling that it is unfair, or unjust, that others seem to be doing less than me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this feeling, that it is unjust, that it is unfair, that it is not right, that this experience is not supportive for me in my self-creation process and in me building and creating my life – instead my focus becomes trying to make sure that everyone is doing the exact same – instead of looking at what I can do that will support/bring through what is best for all – thus I commit myself to push myself to give more – to work more – to act more – to not look at what others are or are not doing – rather focus on what I can give and do for myself as well as others in my life

Day 285: Grounded In My Responsibilities

One thing that I am really good at is being creative, imagining things, experimenting, finding new ways, and finding solutions to problems. It is a skill that I have developed through my life and that has also been inherent since birth – I have always been this way. Now, this skill, of being flexible and fast in my thought processes also has a downside – and this is hence a weakness that I have had through most my life – the ability to remain grounded and steadfast.

An example of how this polarity plays out is the following. During my weekends I have several responsibilities to attend to. Most importantly is cleaning, and then also tending to the chickens at the farm where I live. Though, what tends to happen is that my imagination starts running, and I concoct several other things I would also like to do; projects I would like to complete, things I would like to build, stuff I would like to investigate and research, etc. I then tend to become worked up about my imaginative ideas, which seem to be so much fun, and then my attention/focus go to these. What consequently happens is that I am not sufficiently grounded/stable in my reality, and because of this I forget responsibilities, I down prioritize things that are important and that should be given priority, and I become absent-minded and forgetful.

The problem as such is that I am not enough grounded in my physical body, not sufficiently steadfast in sticking with my responsibilities, which leads to unwanted consequences. Hence, what I want to change with myself is this point of me accepting and allowing myself to become carried away in imaginations and future plans – and replace this tendency of dreaming myself into states of exhilaration with a stability and sense of being grounded in my physical body. In order to be effective in this life I require having a balance – thus it is no solution to be constantly grounded in the physical, and never accept and allow my imagination to run, to see what possibilities there are for expansion and movement, and it is no solution to be constantly imagining new things, starting new projects and not following through on them.

Imagination and inner projection can be useful when they are self-directed, and when they do not get in the way of my responsibilities here in the physical. Thus something that I can practice, is for example, to give myself a moment each day where I ask myself the question: “Okay, what can be improved, what can be expanded, what is it that I can create in my life that would be of benefit?” – and then otherwise throughout my day, as I am tending to my responsibilities, to practice remaining grounded in the physical, and present with what I am doing. That way I will be able to create a balance in my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overly active in my imagination, where I create these grand plans, and projects, and I feel really exhilarated, not seeing, realizing and understanding that when I compromise my already existent responsibilities, projects, and commitments when and as I accept and allow myself to exist in a state of constant projection, imagination, and forward motion towards something different than what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice being grounded and steadfast in my decisions, projects, plans and responsibilities, to push through the temptation of imagining other things I could be doing, or other things I could be experiencing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is for me to embrace repetition, and routine, and understand that these words are an important part of creation in this physical reality – that to build and create something – one have to walk the same or similar actions many times over until the point that one wants to create stands here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that being grounded here in the physical in itself offers opportunities of discovery, and adventure, where I can for example notice new things, or develop my skills in what I am doing in that moment, become more specific, and expand myself in someway or another, which I would not have been able to do if I instead was in my mind dreaming – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as a physical being – understanding that exhilaration, adventure and excitement are words that I can live within exploring and walking this physical reality here – and that I do not need my mind to stand as and walk my life within and as these words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to dreaming and imagination, and believe that this is the only way I can experience exhilaration, and excitement – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not experiment with living excitement and exhilaration in my physical reality with my physical body – to see how it is that I can experience these words for real and not just as energy in my mind

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into imagination, projections, and a inner excitement, exaltation, because I can create things in my mind, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow myself to venture into the realm of imagination, I forget what is here, and I do not pay sufficient, and enough attention to what I am doing here in the physical, which leads to me compromising responsibilities, and commitments – and thus I commit myself to remain grounded, physical and steadfast when I am walking through my day – to practice walking with one feet in-front of the other and being aware of every step and movement that I make

I commit myself to take time each day to sit down and look at what I can do with my life, with myself, and the resources I have at my disposal, to as such, each day push myself to expand, and see where I am able to create and expand myself and my reality – and hence I commit myself to direct this process of imagination and inner creation – and thus not accept and allow it to simply happen now and again – when I am not in control – and not specific about what I am doing in my mind

I commit myself to create a balance between imagination/projection/creating my future – and living HERE in the physical – understanding that when I accept and allow myself to venture into imagination-mode while I am doing things here in the physical, I will compromise myself and the moment that I am walking, because my focus and attention will be elsewhere – and hence I commit myself to be specific within myself when I accept and allow myself to go into ‘future-creation’ mode – to create it within myself as a decision and do this in moments when I am not compromising my relationship with this physical world

Day 284: Dreams as a Gateway to the Unconscious

Yesterday I received some great news. There was a position opening up for me in my hometown, which means that my days of commuting might be over, for now… I am still though facing the one last challenge. I have to quit my current position and apply for the new position, and then get admitted into the new position in competition with other applicants. Hence, a moment of insecurity, and a moment of ‘breaking’ the ‘trust’ of my former employee – as my current employment is supposed to last for some years, I will however be leaving after only some months. This brought up some fears within me, and my cautious nature urged me to ‘not take any chances’ – while my ‘I have had enough of commuting’-nature urged me to immediately turn in my letter of resignation and go for it.

Anyway, I went to bed as per usual, and had one of my rare dreams. In my dream I had committed some form of felony, murder I think, and the police was onto me, and I was terrified of getting caught. I pictured before me (in my dream) how my life would come to an end, how all the dreams and imaginations I had conjured in my mind would come crashing down, how my career would fall into the abyss of nothingness, and that I would be left with nothing. As I woke up I could see that this dream effectively depicted the deeper fears moving in my mind with regards to making the decision of changing employer.

From my dream I can see that my fears involve an aspect of ‘getting caught’ and ‘being punished’ for ‘breaking the rules’ – the rules here being the terms of contract with the employer. And in breaking that contract (which I actually do not, seen from a legal perspective) I would then put my career at risk, and potentially then my future, and my survival in this world. Thus, what this fear shows me is that I have given my trust to the system, to my employer, and that my relationship with survival/money is based on me wanting others to assure me a steady inflow of money – and in this case – others would be my employer.

It also shows me a lack of self-trust. Because, fact is that I have a great CV, and that there is an insignificant risk that I might not receive the job in my hometown – and even if I would not receive the job – it is not like I am all out of opportunities. In-fact, there are many directions open for me, and what more stands in my way, are my own issues with confidence and trust – where I do not see that I can actually deal with, and direct my life, and make sure that things work out properly, even if things do not go according to my preconceived plan.

What I see that I must work with is thus self-trust issues, and fears of my survival falling to pieces, and to replace that fear of survival with self-trust, with self-confidence, with self-reliance and a stability, a knowing, that regardless of what is going to come into my life, I will deal with it, I will find solutions, and I will not give up. I will push myself forward and walk to the utmost of my ability, pushing through fears, and anxieties, and creating the life that I see is best for me, that I see is best for all, and not accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied with a mediocre life, but instead pushing for, and creating a extraordinary life.

Fear is quite cool, because it shows me where it is that I am not yet trusting myself, and where it is that I am willing to compromise myself, who I am, my integrity, my decisions, plans, and what is best for me, to feel secure/safe about my survival. It shows me where it is that I am still accepting and allowing myself to exist in a mindset of trying to avoid failure, instead of creating the success I want to have. It shows me where and how I am still  accepting less from myself and my life than what I am capable of creating for and as myself. Fear is the symptom of me not pushing myself to remain standing in every breath, with my body, and place my focus and attention on SELF-CREATION – and hence not on – self-survival.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not going to be able to retain my security and safety with regards to money if I quite my job and look for a new one – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear defaulting on my debts, to fear loosing my house, to fear loosing my opportunity to survive in this world, and instead falling down into a whole of debt and suffering from which I cannot stand up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my security and safety, as my access to money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust money to give me my security, and my sense of feeling safe and secure, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, that it is money that creates my stability, and that without money in my life, I cannot, and I do not have stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to practice stability – to practice standing and remaining the same within me regardless if I have access to money or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my stability, and my future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to compromise what is best for me, to compromise creating a extraordinary and effective future for myself, only so that I can feel safe, and secure with my decisions, and with my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice standing in stability even though I am in a pressured situation – and in a pressured environment as so far that my access to money is not stable and secure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that access to money in this world, and in this life, cannot ever be secure, and safe, that there is no such security and safety, as this world is in its very foundation flawed, and thus there is at all times a risk for everything to fall, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a risk I must learn to stand with – to deal with and to direct – to understand that all decisions hold within them the potential of failure – yet sometimes – it is absolutely worth it to take the risk – to push forward – when the rewards that stand to be won are worth it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst case scenario, the worst case scenario being, that I will not get admitted into any of my desired employment options, and that I will stand without a job, and without income, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this is going to happen to me, to fear that in such a scenario, I am not going to know what to do, and how to deal with my life, and how to continue to push forward, and do something with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in the worst case scenario, I do still have opportunities that I can push for, to assure an income for myself, and I can find ways on the side, to make sure that I still push myself forward in relation to my career and where I see that I want to go in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst possible outcome, and fear that in such a situation, I am going to loose time, I am going to loose my standing in the legal community, and I am not going to be able to create anything with my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that if such a point do occur, that I will still be able to find a way out, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to not see, realize and understand that it will not get that bad – and also – that losing time is a very, very subjective assertion – and that in-fact – I am the primary decision maker as to whether the time I have on my hand is used effectively, and practically, or whether it is thrown away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust, to place stability, to place security in relation to having a career, to having a job, and being accepted at my job, and excelling at my job, and within that being complemented, and liked by my colleagues, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that career, the words I have placed into this concept, are words that I can live, stand, and walk within my life, as myself, and thus nothing that I actually need to have a career for, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assert myself within the words of direction, and security, as knowing where I am going and with a secure stability heading in that direction, not accepting and allowing myself to be swayed and shifted – but remaining with my practical physical reality and moving into the direction that I have established for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a career, as a purpose and a direction in my daily living, as a security, in me knowing where I am heading, knowing what I am going to create and build for myself, and knowing what I am going to do with my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot build this stability on a career – because a career can shift and go into highs and lows – and if I accept and allow myself to base my security and stability on a career – then I am not effectively aligned here with and as what is real – the stability of the physical that is always consistent regardless of the movement of money in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind when it comes to making decisions in relation to the future, through trusting fear, and believing the decisions made in fear are more safe than decisions made within and as stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that I am stable within – in fear that they might be to risky – and that there might develop to many repercussions that will affect my future and my life – and make things shaky – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making my life shaky and unstable when it comes to money and financial security – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus only want to make safe decisions that I feel there is no fear connected to – because then I have apparently made a good and secure decisions that will lead to predictable outcomes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a predictable outcome on this earth at this moment – simply because the way money moves and the way the system is created – is so ineffective and based on the flimsiness of the mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how any feeling of security and trust in tomorrow is in-fact self-dishonesty, as there is no such security in this world to be found in this day and age

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fear, and anxiety, and imagining the worst possible outcome of making a decision that involves money, and employment, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that with all decisions there is a risk – there is a potential that things might go wrong – and that things might not work out – however – that is not something that I can use to build my life with – and instead I realize that I must come to terms with these risks and push for the decisions that create my life to be the best that it can be – and thus I commit myself to bring up the worst possible outcome within me – and define solution within me if that outcome were to play out – and look at what decision is the most challenging – what decision is the best for me to walk that will be support me in my life and what I want to do in this lifetime

When and as I see myself going into fear, and anxiety towards a decision, because there is a risk that I will loose my employment, and in that my feeling, and sense of security, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that that the sense of security that comes with employment is in-fact false, that a security cannot be based on a job, and on money, but is in-fact related to ME and how I SEE-CURES – my ability to SEE SOLUTIONS and work with what is here – and not accept and allow myself to give up and give in when things get tough; and thus I commit myself to place my trust and security in myself – and develop my ability to remain stable under pressure and look for and apply solutions

When and as I see myself worrying that I am going to destroy my legal career, and make others angry and dissatisfied with me because of how I have approached my employment, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this fear is holding me back, and limiting, that the moment I get attached to and accept and allowed something external to define me, through fear of loss, then I am creating limitations for and as myself, and making my life, my future, and who I am smaller, and thus I commit myself to push ahead, to push through my fear of loss, to realize that fear of loss only exists because I have defined words in relation to my external environment instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I can live and stand with and as this words as a decision, and as a movement that comes from within and that I express out to others

Day 227: Fear of Losing Time

Since becoming 28 years of age I’ve started to have these thoughts, and fears come up with regards to aging, and ‘losing my life’ – ‘losing my opportunity’ – and these thoughts are often accompanied with nostalgic memories, and pictures of the past – things that I did and didn’t do – and what I could, or should have done.

What is interesting is that the consequence of me accepting and allowing these thoughts is that my outlook on the future becomes colored by fear – and due to this my plans for the future tend to be made within a sort of hastiness – a feeling of lack of time and that apparently there is so much I must get before I become old and die – and unless I do them my life will not have been lived to it’s fullest potential. This is thus the design existent within me with regards to time, aging and using my breaths here on earth – it’s currently aligned within the principle of what I WANT DO with MY LIFE to make sure that MY LIFE was cool, effective, and that as I die – I can look back and feel super-content with myself.

In walking through the design of this point, one quote by Bernard Poolman comes to mind:

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that any change will go hand in hand with resistance as I have to push through the automated occupation of self that is obsessed with time till I have removed this fear driven obsession with time and what I believe is important due to the effective ways I have allowed myself to become a participant in the current system of the individual self obsessed with personal achievement.” (see blog HERE).

This quote effectively encapsulates the design I’ve opened up here – it’s the design of being obsessed with time because it’s the resource I require to live out my addiction with personal achievement – and the origin of addiction is actually the want to feel good about myself – and because in achieving things in my personal capacity – more knowledge – more experiences – more money – I feel good and my self-image is upgraded. Though obviously this is not a real self-image – it’s only a façade based on energy that will disappear the instant I die.

In a blog I read recently (check it out HERE ) the point of DEATH is expounded upon – and this perspective I found to be very assisting. In the blog the realization is shared of how futile self-interest really is, how living a life in the name of self-glorification never amounts to ANYTHING at all – and that regardless of how much knowledge we accumulate, regardless of how far we reach in our careers – DEATH will always have the last say.

Thus, this begs the question – what is REAL value, what is REAL worth, what is REAL opportunity, what does it mean to REALLY live? And how do we create our lives to be of actual consequence? And there is really just one answer to that question – giving ourselves a HIGHER PURPOSE – without a HIGHER GOAL within and through we walk our daily lives to give as we’d like to receive – from the starting point of genuinely wanting to make this world a more effective and harmonious place to live in – there is practically speaking no point in living.

It’s fascinating – that in order to LIVE LIFE we have to GIVE UP our own life and open our eyes to the bigger whole – and realize that our value in this world is measured by what we’ve given – not by what we’ve received.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my own future, my own life, and my own personal achievements, and thus fear becoming old, and aging, in fear of losing time that I can use to further my interests, desires, hopes, and wants – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear is in-fact valid, and believe that this worry that comes within me with regards to losing time that I could use for purposes of feeling like an achiever, is real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this purely ego – and that the entire design is based upon fear and being obsessed with using my time to further my self-interests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that children do have something that adults lack, which is the ability to let go of the idea of achievement, and development, and rather embrace self here, and trust that self will walk what is required and necessary to be walked in the moment – and that there is really no lack of time, or grandiose project that must be completed within a certain time-space, in order for my life to apparently be successful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that life is HERE within and as the physical, that it exists within and as every moment of breath, that it’s not something hidden, masked and hanging in front of me like a carrot on a stick – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time from within and as a starting point of fear – as the fear of losing my time – and losing my potential to build a particular careersfor myself, or a name for myself – to apparently within that become someone of importance, and significance in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the way I’ve approached goals, the future, my life, my daily living, has been within and as this slight undercurrent of fear, as the fear of losing my time, and spending my time on things that will not contribute to the enhancement, and creation of myself as someone that have achieved great success – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and be stuck within this starting point of only caring for myself and my own success, my own hopes, and desires – and what I plan, and want to achieve in this life, that might make my future more bright than the future of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that real value, real worth, is the process of me giving as I’d like to receive – and that the effect of my life is not something that I should measure according to much I can create for myself, but rather how much I can create for life – which implies creating for the benefit of everyone – giving for the benefit of everyone – looking at what I can do and how I can move myself each and everyday that will have a lasting and positive effect on myself and others as well – and realizing that this is real value – what I leave behind in every moment that is of actual practical support for others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how death reveals the futility of self-interest, and how there is really no meaning in living only to create my own life, my own future, my own success – because eventually I will die – and then what I’ve created will not mean anything – because I didn’t give to this earth and this reality – I didn’t contribute practically and physically to actually place into this world points that will remain here after I’m gone and that will have a lasting and effective impact – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what is important – this is what creating real value actually means – establishing a functional solution for a world that is best for all and giving this to others as I’d like to receive

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to realize that the value of my life and living is determined by what I give – and what I live that is of benefit to everyone and not only to myself – and that thus: This obsession with time, and creating my purpose and fulfilling myself – that it’s really futile – because at the end of the day – self-interest will simply not stand the test of time – and thus I commit myself to let go of this fear of not having personal achievement – to free myself from these shackles and accept and allow myself to give my life unconditionally to create – shaping – and building life in this physical world/reality

I commit myself to give myself to life – to give myself to others – to see, realize and understand that the key to a life in peace is in-fact caring for others for real – caring for this world for real – giving my life to creating life – being genuine in actually caring for and willing myself to manifest a solution because I care for life – and I care for humanity – and I want what is best for life because life is me

I commit myself to practice caring on a physical/practical basis – through genuinely asking myself what I can give to others – that will be of genuine support and assistance – and that will strengthen their lives and make them more complete and effective as beings – to thus change my starting point in life to instead give – and look at what I can do for this world – instead of looking at what this world can do for me

Day 146: Giving Me A Me-Moment

I was recently shown a point about myself, and here I am going to delve deeper into it.

So, the point is in relation to how I don’t accept and allow myself to through-out my day take these me-moments, where I take a short break or pause in what current responsibility I am involved within, and allow myself to for example, play with the cats, or talk with my partner, play some guitar, go outside for a while and take some sips of air.

The reason as to why I am not accepting and allowing myself to do this is because of anxiety, or more clearly put: I actually don’t even notice, or see that there is this movement in me that I’d like to have a me-moment, because I am in a state of anxiety, and in a state of ‘getting there’ – ‘doing that’ – ‘producing results’ – actually I am driving myself throughout my day utilizing anxiety as a fuel to produce results and to apparently get me somewhere.

Now, this is obviously not working very well, and the consequences of such a behavior, of being constantly on-point, constantly moving, working, pushing, focusing – being in but ONE state of being all the time as that of a spear-headed movement forward, is that I will become burned out – I will hit the wall so to speak. Thus, I see that I must practice giving myself those me-moments, I must learn to tune in with myself, and when I do my work, and I am pushing, and I am pressing forward, that I still accept and allow myself to take those small breaks, those moment where I go and do something just because – its fun and I enjoy it – and I find it relaxing.

Its important that I give myself these moments, because I am going to, if everything goes according to plan, be here on this earth for quite a while, and thus I must see to it that I care for myself, and care for my body, and that I accept and allow myself to move consistently, yet still give myself those needed breaks, where I just do something, because its comfortable, its nice, and it rejuvenates me and enables me to go back into focus-mode – and get done what I was walking.

Thus, the practical correction I want to apply here is that of living the word balance, and to move myself through-out my day in a pace that is slow and steady, to not over-do certain points, but to do them in such a way that I still have time for me, time for just being and doing something pleasurable, and within that shift my attention for a moment – so that I don’t get stuck in this fast and speedy way of living – where all that matters is that I go forward; slow and steady wins the race.

When moments arise in my world, where I feel that I’d like to have a break from what I am doing, or I feel that I’d like to go and play the guitar, pet the cats, take a walk, cook some food, do something pleasurable, and enjoyable – I commit myself to give me that me-moment – unless its crucial that I finish up and walk through some commitment or responsibility that I have taken upon myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself those moments in my day, wherein I let go of what I am doing, and I allow myself to go and do something that I enjoy, such as for example playing with the cats, or talking with my partner, or playing some guitar – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto an idea of time effectiveness – wherein I think, perceive, and believe that my effectiveness with time is equal to how much time I spend on a particular point, instead of realizing that for my time to be effective, I must as well be effective, and I can only be effective when give myself moments of me-time – where I for a moment let go and allow myself to do something for no other reason but that I enjoy such a point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck within and as a idea in my head of what it means to be effective, and to use time effectively, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of anxiety that I will waste my time, and that I will not utilize my time to its fullest potential – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in holding unto and living from such a starting point – I am in-fact making my time ineffective – I am creating my fear – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself within and as the natural flow of my day – and participate in points coming up without existing in this state of anxiety that ‘I must save my time’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of anxiety, and fear that I am going to waste my time, and that I am not going to move myself properly to take care of my responsibilities, and commitments, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in holding unto such a fear, I am creating that very fear, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, and move through my day within and as self-trust, wherein I participate, interact and move myself within and as my responsibilities and commitments, not from a starting point of fear, but from a starting point self here – where I am here – present and moving myself in every breath to walk the points and direct the points that emerge here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of distrust within myself, wherein I believe that unless I motivate myself with fear and anxiety, nothing will get done, nothing will move, and nothing will become the way I want it to become, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value, and see, and define fear as my main point of motivation, instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand as my own point of motivation, and trust that I will get done the things I set my mind to – and that I’ve already proven to myself that this is the case

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I let go of fear, that there won’t be any motivation within me anymore, that there won’t be any resolve within me anymore, and that my life will stagnate, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is in-fact an idea, how it’s a perception that I’ve created, and that it’s not real – because what is real is that physical movement only requires physical energy, it requires a decision, and then I move myself according to that decision, and in that there is no fear energy required, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the fear energy, and accept and allow myself to motivate, move and direct myself according to the plans I’ve made for myself, according to what I see is practical and a priority, and as such not anymore drive myself through and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the consequence of driving myself within and as fear is that I will burn myself out, and that I will create physical consequences for myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be disciplined in stopping this fear, and each time that it comes up as a motivating factor, to take a breath, and to bring myself back here, and align myself into and as my physical body, and make the motivation of my movement, myself, wherein I stand as the motivation, I stand as the movement, I stand as the direction, I live the direction, I live the movement, and I as such do not require any energy to push my ahead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be alert and aware as to these movements coming up within me, that I’d like for example to play some guitar, talk with my partner, be with the cats, or go out and take a walk, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these movements within me, instead of being aware of them, and giving myself such moments, seeing, realizing and understanding that in giving myself such small moments of self-expression, I am in-fact nurturing and stabilizing myself, which will in turn make me much more effective in all of my other responsibilities that I hold in my world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself these small moments of expression, these small moments of me taking some time and simply enjoying myself, and expressing myself within and as a particular point, and I see, realize and understand that giving myself such moments is in-fact an investment that I make in myself, and that these small moments will support me in standing more firm and effective in other areas of my life

Self-commitments

I commit myself to give myself moments of me-time – wherein I do something that I enjoy to do – for no other purpose or reason but that I enjoy to do it; and I see, realize and understand that in giving myself these moments of expression I am supporting myself, and solidifying, and strengthening my stand in other areas of my life

I see, realize and understand that my general experience of myself is a holistic creation that involves who I am throughout my day, and that its not sustainable to only work, to only focus, to only labor, and push, but that I also require to give myself some moments where I break of my routine and do something that I enjoy – because I see, realize and understand that in order to be effective in my commitments and responsibilities – I need to care for and nurture myself, which I am able to do – through watering myself – watering here implying that I give myself these moments of enjoyment, pleasure, and unconditionally being here with myself

I commit myself to not stress through my day, and be anxious to move faster – and I commit myself to slow down and move within and as presence of breath – and see, realize and understand that I am only able to do what I am able to do in a breath – and that stress and anxiety is wholly unnecessary; thus I commit myself to move in the pace of the physical – in the pace of breath – and in the pace of my natural physical express

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