Tag Archives: mistake

Day 439: Slowing Down In The Process of Creation

Last week I had an interesting realization with regards to living the words STRUCTURE and THOROUGH. I had proof-read a text of mine, which I then handed over to my colleague who had requested the text. Later my colleague came back and pointed out a couple fact errors in the text.

I looked at WHY those errors had come to be and remained, even though I proof-read the text – and I found the following.

To effectively fact-check, and to be thorough, precise and structured, each step of the creation process must be walked, and each step must be given as much time as is required for that particular step to be effectively completed. Hence, there must be a certain level of slowness to the creation process – if I move too fast – then I will miss things. However, this point of slowing down is something that I have experienced as unstimulating, sterile, painstaking and wearisome – actually causing me to become stressed/wanting to move forward faster in order to make the task more stimulating. The consequence of accepting and allowing myself to move with this stress is that mistakes are made.

The solution is to push through this angst/stress connected to the application of being thorough/precise/structured – to regardless of the experience – realizing that I do not need stimulation from my outside environment – and then walk the point in the pace that is required for the process of creation to be effective. And also – to see, realize and understand – that this process of disciplining self in a supportive pace is in itself stimulating, fascinating and enjoyable – however on a deeper level compared to experiencing my environment as stimulating.


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Day 282: A Hell of A Day

Today, I had a hell of a day. And with that, I mean that I had a day where I faced many new experiences, and reactions, of which, particularly one stands out – the desire to impress, and its polarity opposite, the fear of being useless.

I really enjoy the way that my work is challenging me when it comes to this point. Because my work currently is about tightly cooperating with others, and in that my efforts are continuously being evaluated, by myself obviously, and the benchmark of my evaluations is how I perceive that others see/receive my work. For instance today, I had a moment where I walked up to one of my colleagues, as we where to have a meeting, and it turned out that I was half an hour early to the meeting – lol. In that I moment I experienced a big fat embarrassment in my chest area, as well as a fear tightening my chest – because in that moment I perceived my actions/behavior as a weakness.

So, it is interesting how deeply ingrained this point is within me of wanting/desiring to be someone to another, and how severely it is limiting me. Fact is, that when I strive to be something for another, my experience of myself in what I am doing shifts from me, here, applying myself, to learn, expand and grow in my application, into a state of fear, where the murmuring backchat is of the following nature: ‘What do they think of me?’ – ‘Did I do this right?’ – ‘Did I make a fool out of myself now?’ – ‘Oh my god, they are going to dislike me forever now!’ – it is like a constant momentum of anxiety that I get pulled into that then defines my day, my work, and what I do.

And, the interesting part of this is that I know how much I could enjoy my work, and the learning experience I could create it to be, if I would be able to let go of my drive to please, and my fear of displeasing – because the work offers so much potential for learning, growing, expanding and becoming more effective. Really, it is similar to school, we constantly do things because others tell us to, and after a while it is all about the recognition, all about what others think of us, and not about our own expression/experience/momentum within what we are doing.

The solution is to redefine work, redefine living, redefine myself, from survival to living – and that means – understanding that life becomes so much more when the veils of fear are released and one is instead able to focus on the actual living, the actual participation, the actual interaction with life here – and one have energy, and space within to process this world, and all the information that is constantly moving. From what I see for myself, what stands in my way is fears and desires – very basic mental experiences that are stopping me from becoming what I can become. Because I do like my chosen profession, I do like the constant learning, expanding, and growing that exists within it – however to really access that potential fear must go.

However, I will not give up until I am able to stand, and walk in my chosen profession as an expression of real living, with no fear – that is my reference point – that is my goal and where I want to get to. Now the work begins to get there, which involves, applying self-forgiveness, and the specifying my corrective applications. Challenges, mistakes, faults, and errors are not meant to be feared – we are supposed to learn from them, grow, expand and welcome them into our lives, as they offer us an opportunity to become even more effective.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being appreciated by my colleagues or bosses – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon others appreciating me, others thinking that I am good, others defining me as being an asset, etc. and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this to myself

I recognize that I am an asset, that I have many qualities, skills and abilities that I can use to give and create a world that is better for all participants involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being outcasted by my colleagues and bosses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes – in the fear that my colleagues or bosses are then going to judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in fear of what that might lead to and create in my life in terms of future career opportunities – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed about my future – about what might come to pass – and forget about myself here in the moment – and the process that I am walking – and how I can in-fact use what I am doing to empower myself as an individual – however it is required then that I push the point of actually doing it for and as myself and not to satisfy my bosses and colleagues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my life when I am out in the system, working, creating relationships, and more, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this experience thinking that life is dangerous, that I need this fear to keep on my toes, not realizing that it’s not about need – it is about habit – and within that not realizing that I can create for more supportive ways of living and participating in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a reason as to why very few people are able to become knowledgeable and superior in their professional field is because the focus is elsewhere, the focus is not on learning, understanding and empowering oneself within the work one is doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to empower myself in my field, I must focus on the work, the field, and the learning of that work, that must be where my energy goes, and in this I cannot accept and allow fear to be a part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not presenting a good enough work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when my focus is on presenting a good work to another, then I am not actually focusing on the work that I am doing HERE – and how I can empower myself within the work that I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to remember is that what I focus on will grow – if I focus on what I fear – that will grow – if I instead focus on my relationship and application within the work that I do – then that will grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, when and as I notice that I am getting high strung at work, and I go into some form of a rush-energy, to take a moment to stop up, to go grab a cup of coffee, drink some water, or take a walk, and support myself to get out of that experience, or apply some self-forgiveness, stop up for some moments and ground myself back into my body, remind myself of my starting point, my why in the work that I am doing, to learn as much as possible, to expand, and empower myself within the field of law, to in the future be able to use this to create a difference in this world that will make life better for all human beings – that is my starting point – not fear – not anxiety – not worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, because I fear that my superiors are going to judge me, and that this will have ramifications for me in that I will not be able to get a job in the future, and feel secure and safe in my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with regards to money, and security, exist in this polarity, where I sometimes, usually when I get money, feel secure, safe, and sound, and then when I am at work, and I perceive that there is a risk I am not going to get money, go into fear, anxiety, and worry that I am not going to be able to survive, because I might become fired from my job – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my participation in this sense/feeling of security is actually creating the opposite polarity of fear, and anxiety – and hence I commit myself to let go of both of these polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my colleagues or bosses are cryptically judging, or showing their discontent with me, when they look a little angry, or say something that could be interpreted as them thinking that I am not good at what I am doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no point in caring what others think about me – what is important is that I know what I am doing – I know what I am pushing – I know what I am walking – and that I am walking to my utmost ability – and in that I know that I am doing what I can do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is that I must take ownership of my life, my work, my professional career, everything I do, make it mine and thus not anymore do it to satisfy another – but to create a purpose within it that I can walk, where I have my starting point, where I have my direction, and where I know/see how I am going to create myself within it all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to use my current work to learn as much about law and the legal system as I am able to – and I commit myself to focus my physical and mental energy on this process of learning, of understanding, and seeing the flaws, and mistakes, and the machinery of this system, and thus not anymore accept and allow fear to be a focus in my day-to-day living

When and as I notice that I am going into a state of rush, and inner speed, and where this is shown through becoming absent minded, forgetting things, and being generally incapable of focusing effectively, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that to ground myself back in my body, I require some moments for myself – I require some moments of breathing, applying self-forgiveness, and focusing myself back here – and thus I commit myself to give myself those moments – there is time for that – because I realize what a difference this will make for me – and how much more comfortable and relaxed I will be in my physical body as I get home – and how much more rested I will be as I wake up the next day – as I will not have abused and harmed my body through participating in stress, anxiety, and fear

I commit myself to walk my life with no fear, stress and anxiety, and show that it is possible to do this – and I commit myself to not fear mistakes

I commit myself to in relation to my profession, my career, to create a purpose within it, to thus create ownership in relation to all parts of my life, so that I am walking/creating for and as myself – walking and creating according to my plans, and according to what I see myself achieving in this life, and hence not within and as the fear of what my bosses, and colleagues might think about me – and thus I commit myself to take ownership in all parts of my life – to redefine who I am in the areas of my life where I notice that there is still fear and anxiety – as I understand that such reactions indicate that there is till a separation and that I have not effectively claimed ownership in relation to the point

Day 275: Paranoia – The Fear of Forgetting Things

forgetting-thingsParanoia when it comes to forgetting and missing things, that is a point that has been recurring for me recently. In my line of work, it is all about the details, and here I am not exaggerating – it is ALL about the details. Hence it is different from ‘normal’ life in the sense that, when in your normal day-to-day living, you do not necessarily have to be very focused, specific or thorough. You can get by in a state of half-awareness; do things sloppily, and half-assed – your life will still work out quite okay.

However, in my line of work, you cannot do that. This has thus been a big change for me. The way I have handled this is through paranoia, were I have basically utilized fear/anxiety to drive me to constantly check if I have forgotten something. This is not effective for several reasons, though primarily; it is not effective because I go into a emotional state, thus investing energy in being emotional, forgetting my physical living/application HERE. And also, existing in a state of paranoia makes me mentally unstable, were I am not effective/specific when it comes to directing my life, and making decisions – because what takes precedence is the experience – not my actual physical movement and participation HERE.

I have looked at solutions and found that to support myself to become more thorough, detailed and specific, and not miss details that must be remembered, I am able to: 1) Establish systems and routines for certain points in my work 2) Use stickers, notes and a calendar to keep track of times and what must be done at what time 3) Be FULLY HERE, AWARE and FOCUSED when I apply myself in my job, so that I am certain that I actually walked all the points required.

Another aspect of this paranoia is that it only comes up in relation to work/career. Fact is that I am not particularly good at remembering things, being specific, thorough and detailed outside of the office, however, because there is no money at stake in my leisure time, I do not care as much. Thus, this shows me that the real, underlying core fear is that of survival and money. I fear losing money, I fear not being able to survive, and that is the driving force. This is also interesting, that I require having money, and a fear of survival to drive me to develop skills such as thoroughness, being specific and detailed.

Another aspect of having fear of survival and money as my current motivation is that I do not approach my work in a supportive manner – because if would be no fear, what come through is a curiosity, and a desire to expand and learn – a desire to become more effective at what I am doing. Then there is no fear involved, instead it is a genuine interest to empower myself and become the best that I can be that drives me forward – and that is obviously a far more potent and healthy source of motivation than fear and stress. When I motivate myself because I want to improve, then there is no fear or anxiety that preoccupies me, instead I am clear, physical, stable – moving myself in every breath to become the best that I can be.

Hence, it is clear, that this paranoia, and fear is something that I can replace with a genuine drive and care to improve and expand myself – both in my work and home environment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my starting point in relation to work, so that instead of being fear driven, I drive myself forward from within and as the desire to improve myself, to become better and more effective, to enhance myself, and to empower myself in learning more skills and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish systems and routines to make sure that I do not forget anything when it comes to preparing myself and working through my responsibilities and commitments in relation to work and home life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that paranoia is a outflow consequence of me not being present – directive and aware – and certain in what I am doing – and that there as such is room for me to improve – so that I become thorough and specific in all and everything that I take on and walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all reactions of the mind have their gifts – that there is something that I can learn and take with me to expand and empower myself – and with paranoia and this process in my work – it is that I can learn to be more specific, thorough and focused – and create these skills within me – and learn how to be prepared and certain on who I am in relation to the points in my life that I have taken responsibility for

Self-commitment statements

When and as I notice myself wanting to go into a state of fear/paranoia, that I have forgotten or missed something, I take a breath, I stop, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these experiences cannot help me in my line of work, that I will not empower myself through giving into these experiences, and that instead, I can only empower and truly create myself through physically living, and building myself as words – and thus I commit myself to live specificity within me – through double checking the informationseeing whether I have forgotten anything – and then let it go if I reach the conclusion that no I haven’t forgotten anything

I commit myself to practice using routines and systems to make sure that I do not jump a step in my work – and that I walk all the necessary steps required in relation to my work responsibilities

I commit myself to practice being thorough and slowing myself down when working with my responsibilities – to make sure that I do not miss a step

I commit myself to have my starting point and motivation be that of me wanting to expand and improve myself and become the best that I can be in relation to my work – and thus I commit myself to stop fear and instead use my desire to improve and grow as the WHY of my movement forward

Day 109: Living Up To My Ideals

Today I would like to write about self-judgment. This is a point that during the last days have been accumulating within me.

The context of this self-judgment, as it comes up within me, is that I will have, during my day, said or done something which I in hindsight believe haven’t been up to standards – it was the wrong thing to say, it was stupid to say, to was ridiculous to say – and the thought coming up within me in the moment, as I look back on the event – is a big NO – I shouldn’t have said or done that!

In connection with this thought an experience of embarrassment together with anxiety arise within me, and I can see that I am within my mind, looking at myself from the perspective of how I believe others see me – I look at myself from a third person view, and create these various thoughts towards myself, as I see myself act and behave and speak.

When I look at how I’ve behaved and acted in self-honesty, I am able to see that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong or bad with what I’ve said or done – mostly it’s these very minor mistakes, or errors, as I perceive them; such as for example: yesterday I was in school, and decided to speak on a particular subject, yet the point didn’t come out very clearly, and I also became nervous and shaky in my voice as I shared the point – I mean, looking at this, it’s obvious that this is not in anyway severe or bad and something that I in the future, in all ways should attempt and try to avoid – it was simply me not being clear on a point, and then as I shared it, my communication and sharing of the point reflected how I wasn’t yet effectively standing and being clear as to what it was I communicated.

What I see being the solution, is that I must be more gentle with myself, and accept and allow myself to make mistakes – also as experiences come up from within me, what I tend to do is that I judge myself for having these experiences come up within me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be gentle and patient, and get to know the points, get to know myself – and change myself – not from a starting point of blame and self-judgment – but from within and as a starting point of being gentle with myself.

I can also see this point of hardness not only coming through within, but I also express it outwardly, and it reveals in how I deal with, and direct relationships in my direct world – I tend to be very harsh, brutal and inconsiderate – and the motto I hold is the one of “Do it now, and do it right!” – instead of realizing that with some points, this stance isn’t very effective at all – because some points do require another approach – a more gentle, considerate and soft approach – which is something that I will work with; to allow myself to be gentle with myself and others in my world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, judge myself, be angry at myself, and frustrated when I perceive that I am doing mistakes, when I am faulting, and when I am not behaving as I perceive that I should behave and experience myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, to not be more soft in my approach with myself – and within this accept and allow myself to make mistakes and not judge myself for doing such

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself and judge myself when I make mistakes, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from myself that I will always do everything perfect immediately, and I will not in anyway fail, and make a mistake – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsiderate towards myself, wherein I am not taking myself into account, but simply expecting of myself that I will do what is necessary to be done, not questions asked, I will get the point immediately, no questions asked – and if I don’t – well then I am apparently a complete failure who must be punished

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself within myself, to go into and as these punishing sprees within my mind, wherein I am berating myself, thinking that I am not good enough – why didn’t I immediately walk through this point, why do I experience myself like this, why haven’t I yet changed this particular point? And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, and accept and allow myself to move slowly, to open up one point at a time, and to when I make decisions in my world, to take myself into account as who I am here – and not as the idea of who I want to be that exists within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea in my mind of who and what I want to be, that I compare myself with, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, be caring and loving towards myself, wherein I do not accept and allow myself to be harsh and judgmental with myself, but wherein I instead take things slowly, walk points as fast as I am able to walk them, and I do not expect more of myself than what I am currently able and capable of walking effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect more from myself than what I am able to practically and effectively walk, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught in a state of expectation, that I should be, express and experience myself as I see in my mind, as the idea I’ve created of who and what I should be, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be HERE with myself, and realize that this what I am here in this moment, this is what is real, this is what is of actual physical reality – and the ideals existing in my mind – that is not real – that is a idea of who and what I should be and not what and who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk practically, physically here in this physical world, and thus work with myself on a very simplistic, basic, physical level – working with myself as I am here in this moment, and thus not expecting of myself that I should be or experience myself as something more than what I am here – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this perception and idea that I must behave as this self-realized human being, that exists in my mind, and that I must also experience myself as this self-realized human-being that exists within and as my mind – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, and creating consequences for myself when I expect myself to be and behave as something that I am not yet able to stand and live as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be able to stand and live as the idea of myself that I’ve created in my mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, and create huge consequences for myself, when I constantly go and hold unto this dream image of who I should be – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here – and live in a idea of who I should be – instead of seeing who I am here – and working with who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that judging myself for mistakes that I’ve made is irrational, because it implies that I am holding unto a idealized version of myself in my mind that apparently shouldn’t have made the mistake that I did – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I did do that particular mistake, and that this is the reality of who I am, and that it’s nothing bad, or wrong – it’s simply the reality of who I am here – and thus I am able to take this point – work with it – and instead push myself to in practical physical reality stabilize myself and learn from my mistakes and upgrade myself in real-time application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a ideal of who I should be that I compare myself with, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when it is that I do not stand and live up to this ideal existing within and as my mind – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of all ideals, let go of all desires of who and what I should be, and instead work with who I am here – bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – to breath – to being here with myself – and realize that this is what is real – and thus this is what I must work with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my ideals of who I should be aren’t real, but are in-fact only existing in my mind, as ideas, as believes, as hopes, as experiences – and thus to compare myself towards these is simply irrational – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I make a mistake, that this is nothing bad, it’s nothing to judge, it’s nothing to put blame on myself for – it’s simply is what it is – and it’s a opportunity for me to correct myself, to get to know myself better, to make my application more effective, more specific – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here to myself – and accept and allow myself to work with myself as what is here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am judging myself, through comparing myself with an ideal in my mind of how I should be, how I should behave, how I should experience myself, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself and creating consequences for myself, because I am trying to live up to something in my mind that isn’t real and practical – and thus I commit myself to work with myself directly here – and not exist in my mind in ideas of who I should be – but instead breath and be here with who and what I am here for real

When and as I see that I am going into judgment, and comparison – and I think that I’ve made a terrible mistake, a terrible error, because I’ve not lived up to the ideas I have of myself in my mind, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these ideas of myself aren’t real, and only serve to create friction within me, wherein I attempt and try to live up to something, and create myself as something, that isn’t in-fact practical and real; thus I commit myself to be with myself here – to work with what is here as myself in-fact instead of judging what is here as myself

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Day 86: The Worst Possible Outcome

I am continuing to work with fear in relation to money, work, and career.

blog_mistakeWhat I am able to see is that I through out my day will have these instances, the short statements occurring in my mind that are based in fear. For example: “I must get that done!” – or “I should work more with my studies” – or “I wonder if I’ll be able to get through this education with sufficient grades, maybe I should prepare myself if I am not able to do that?” – so these thoughts are a type of preparing for the future thought, preparing myself for the worst possible outcome, and the essence of them is fear of survival, fear of failure, and fear of the unknown.

What I also notice is that I have this undercurrent of a anxiety within me that is churning in my chest through my day; it’s subtle, and the energy is not very clearly defined, it’s more there all the time like a presence, a constant reminder that I must apparently watch out, be aware, and make sure that I make my utmost to survive – or else!

I realize that this particular fear has been with me most of my life and that it’s been the motivating force behind many of my decisions to learn certain skills, take particular projects, and excel within them – it’s been done in order for me to survive, or rather it’s be done as a way to handle my anxieties, and fears in relation to the future.

Obviously this problem can’t be solved through my trying to fight this fear of survival, and protect myself from it – I must find the origin point and remove it. My goal within all of this is to remove all of this survivalist fear from my life, so that I am able to simply walk in this system, in this world, without being constantly busy trying to protect myself from my the things I fear will happen. Many might think that this type of fear is natural, and that nothing can be done to change this experience; though this is not so – what must be understood is that everything we experience within ourselves is self-created – it didn’t just come from nowhere – it’s not just “human nature” – it’s really a self-developed system of limitation that is the cause for much of the separation we experience in our world today.

Because consider what is the outflow consequence of 7 billion human beings only caring for their own survival, and the survival of those closest to them – the result is a massive competition where we really create that which we fear, because we’re not able to trust, and support one another – instead each of us goes “our own way” in trying to survive, and get by in this world. Isn’t this the point from which war stems as well? The incessant desire to control resources, and protect one’s land, as the point from which food grows – all coming from the fear of survival – resulting in countries declaring war upon one another in order to protect, or expand the resources at their disposal, to as such secure their own personal survival.

Though, the simple point isn’t understood, that if we’d all stop only caring for ourselves, and our own personal survival, we’d be able to trust one another, support one another, and together make sure that all are cared for – and as such this fear of survival would be totally eradicated; because we’d all know that we’re cared for, that we have what we need, and that nobody can take this away from us.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry as a burden through out my life a constant anxiety, fear, and nervousness in relation to living, and existing here on this planet – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and fully immersed within and as fear, and anxiety for my survival – wherein each and every breath that I take in this world will be taken within this fear, within a sort of adrenaline rush, wherein I am rushing within myself to try to protect myself from any and all apparent dangers that are out there constantly waiting their opportunity to attack me, and get me down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto, and create my life around the paranoia of survival, not realizing that survival isn’t worth when all I am doing with the time within which I am able to survive, is to fear for my survival, and is to fear that I won’t be able to make it through my day in one piece, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that the solution is not to fear, it’s not to try to protect myself this apparent bad, and nasty world, but it’s to let go of my need to control my future, to realize that death is unavoidable, and that I can’t live effectively if I constantly worry for my survival – but that I am only able to really live in-fact when I am clear, stable, here – without being split inside myself in constantly viewing my life through a worst case scenario in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stuck within me in a churning of thoughts around my survival, around my future, and around what might happen in my life, and what might not happen, and as such and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this fear, and this anxiety doesn’t support me, and doesn’t give life in anyway, it really just serves to keep me stuck and looping inside my mind, wherein I am in-fact missing the real life, as what is here around me in every breath as my physical reality, the physical life that is here; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and unconditionally let go of this anxiety and this fear and within this accept and allow myself to live – live meaning that I am able to be fully here and appreciate the moment here without any fear, or anxiety arising within and as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my relationship with this anxiety, exist in a obedient state of following, wherein I believe that this anxiety, and fear is a god, apparently able to predict the future, and look at things objectively and warn me about them – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that anxiety, and fear is simply a mind and mental program, and point deliberately installed into me to keep me separate from life, from living, and from being here, and walking here with and as my human physical body; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and to unconditionally let go of this anxiety and instead take the seat of being god within me – as me being the directive principle in each moment and as such that I don’t require anything else to be that god for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here when that fear arise within me, and within that see, realize, and understand that this anxiety, and fear serves no purpose within me, it holds no value within me, it’s just there as a weight that keeps me pre-occupied and lost in my mind, instead of being here living; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to make the decision to let this point go unconditionally and completely, and to realize that only I have the power to do so – and that I can wait for an entire lifetime to get rid of fear, and to get rid of anxiety – because the point that decides is me and not anyone or anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I go into this anxiety, and fear, that I am getting more things done, that I am being more productive, that I am being more effective, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that minds hastiness, and fast paced movement as being productive, as being effective, not realizing that in this mode of being I am actually not producing, or creating anything what-so-ever – all that I am doing is that I am running around in my mind trying to protect myself from what I fear and I am not here in-fact living; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push this point of accepting and allowing myself to be here – to live here – to remain here and to not exist within and as my mind; but to stick with and as the physical – and be a physical human being here and not hold unto any form of mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this anxiety and fear isn’t practical, it isn’t managing my life, it’s just there as a constant ghost urging me to move faster, to product more, to create more, and to be more, but it’s not doing, or giving me anything of substance; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor this fear, and anxiety, and to cultivate this fear and anxiety, not realizing that it’s not life – it’s in-fact a form of death, because it brings me further from the physical, further from life, further from what is real, and what is of actual importance and relevance; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take breath, and unconditionally let go of this fear, and to not anymore accept and allow my life to in anyway be controlled, directed, and dependent upon this fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all this anxiety does for me, is that I am running around in my mind, wherein I am trying to protect myself from, and save myself from situations, and events that haven’t yet occurred, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the simple common sense within all of this is that I don’t need this in order to in-fact live – it holds no real practical value, and as such it’s useless really; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto uselessness instead of working with, walking with, and cultivating that which is in-fact useful – practical – and gives an actual result as a practical physical outflow that I am able to see, measure, and physically benefit from

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into a stress, and a fear, and anxiety towards the future, towards my survival, and that I won’t be able to effectively take care for myself, and protect myself in this world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am in this moment completely limiting and withholding myself into and as energy, into and as the mind, into and as a state of unawareness wherein life really is slipping away from me, because I am not cultivating, and honoring, and supporting myself as life here; as such I commit myself to unconditionally let this fear, anxiety, and worry go – and live here fully – within the slowness, and the calmness of life as the living pace of breath, not stressing, fearing, or moving myself in anxiety – but moving myself HERE

When and as I see that I am going into a fast paced movement that is driven and motivated by anxiety, and fear, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I realize that this fast paced movement of trying to get somewhere, won’t in actuality get me anywhere, it will just have me stand still and be completely stuck in a experience of fear, a experience of anxiety, as such I commit myself to slow down – to breath and be aware of my breath and let myself smell the roses and be here – and really appreciate the physical as it exists here with me in every moment of breath

I am here – It’s done

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2012 The Working-Man-Anxiety-Character

Writing:

Since I’ve begun to work regularly and for long hours, I’ve begun to notice a pattern of anxiety emerge within me. This pattern is in-fact within me, and there all the time as I work, yet I do not really experience, and feel to what extent that this pattern in-fact possess me, until I go to bed at night. Because I’ve noticed that, I will wake up in the middle of the night, check what time it is – to be certain that I will not miss my work – or I will be in the middle of a half-awake – half-asleep – dream – wherein I’ve lost something at my work, and I must find it. I will then sit up in my bed, and look around in complete anxiety as I try to find this lost thing, and then after a while I will realize that – oh – I am only in my bed, and I am not really at my work.

This reveals that my main-personality while working is the anxiety-personality – and more specifically – the fear of doing wrong, and facing consequences character – wherein the ultimate consequence that I obviously fear – is that I will loose my job, and consequently loose my ability to earn an income for myself.

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