Tag Archives: misunderstanding

Day 403: Directing Conflicts

The theme of my week has been conflicts, primarily in relation to money, however it has also touched other subjects. It has been interesting, because I have been both on the receiving end of criticism and complaints as well as on the giving end of criticism and complaints. Having had a taste of both worlds – it opened up some interesting realizations.

I realized that the normal way we tend to approach dissatisfaction with products/services is by anger/frustration. We feel harmed and unjustly treated – and we approach the other person in that state of anger/frustration and discontent. Oftentimes this results in more conflict, more irritation, more anger, and more confusion. We start to fight instead of coming up with solutions – and we believe that the other person is out to get us – instead of seeing that it could be a honest mistake – and that we could potentially have a mature, and stable discussion about what we are unsatisfied with and find a solution together.

A better way to approach conflicts is by being humble, being open to hearing the other perspective and being open to consider solutions that are mutually effective. Disputes where both parties decide to go full on for their own desired outcome with no quarters are really destructive. In a best-case scenario, one of the parties’ wins – in a worst-case scenario – both lose. Fighting, it always creates losers, which is why it is pretty fascinating to see how often we choose this route. And it is not because of reasons that we can explain rationally, it is because of how we feel – and we seek our perceived version of justice through the conflict. The problem is that we seldom see the problem, the area of conflict, with any clarity because everything is very much shrouded by our own self-interest – and having regard and empathy for our opponent can in such a case feel like a weakness. Though it is the ability to keep a cool head and place ourselves in the position of the other party that will allow us to find a solution that is going to work both for the other and us.

Another difficult emotional experience that can make conflicts hard to solve is idea that we have to stand by our feeling of being wronged because it is a matter of principle. The problem is that the ‘principled’ party is unable to consider anything else but their own principle, or rather, their own emotional experience. The ‘principled’ party will thus seldom be able to expand their seeing to take into consideration the other party as well – and will oftentimes stick to their demands stubbornly. And there will be a great fear of letting go of the emotional experience because of the belief, that if we do, then we have admitted defeat. That is obviously not the case. Defeat is subjective, and in the case of conflicts, defeat would be to not find a solution that is effective and works for both parties.

Conflicts are a natural, recurring and big part of social life. It comes through in nearly all type of relationships, whether with humans or animals. Learning to deal with conflicts is because of that an important skill to acquire. A basic component of dealing with conflicts effectively is communication. I would say that bad communication and the consequential misunderstandings are the prime reason for the creation and continuation of conflicts.

Recently I have watched a Danish TV series that is about a collective with young people that are brought together in order to research their personalities and behaviors. Naturally, many conflicts, emotional experiences and misunderstandings occur. For example, two people initiate a sexual relationship hurriedly. One of them does not see a future with the relationship, the other falls in love. Neither of them communicates their experiences. Thus the one that is not interested in continuing feels bogged down and stalked and the one feeling in love feels rejected and becomes increasingly sad and emotional. And the conflict is created because neither party communicates about how they feel, their intentions and their aspirations.

The reasons why we decide to not communicate in such situations probably differ from person to person. If it would be me, I would most likely hold back because of fear of being vulnerable. However others might not share their experience because they believe the other person already knows. Sometimes we become so lost in our thoughts, and they become such a big part of our life, that we believe that everyone else has access to them as well. However, that is not the case. In order to break through and find solutions we must dare to be vulnerable and also understand that we cannot expect anyone to understand unless we have communicated and clarified our position. It is basic common sense and still it is normal to lack such basic skills of communication.

Another example that read of in a book about learning how to negotiate is the following. Worker A is pissed off because his chief B always selects him to lead the one of the most physically exhausting undertakings. He thinks that B is singling him out and is punishing him. Thus A decides to contact his union and refuse to follow orders. B on the other hand reasons that because A is one of is best and most trusted workers, he chooses A to head the difficult undertaking, because then B knows that the job gets done. This is a clear-cut example of how the lack of communication creates conflicts. If A would have voiced himself and if B would have explained is reasoning, there would most likely not have been any issue between the two.

Thus, to summarize: To avoid conflicts, effective communication, empathy and openness are required. We must embrace the possibility that the other party is not necessarily evil, but that there might be a misunderstanding or a miss-match of expectations. Through communication we are able to find and resolve differences and establish solutions that work for both parties.


Day 330: The Battle of The Colliding Preferences

When I was still living by myself, I had complete freedom in how to structure my reality. I decided my routines, when I was going to do things, what I was going to do, how I was going to do it, and if I did not like the way I did something, I would simply change it. Then, I got into a relationship, and my partner and I eventually moved in together, and this opened up the world of colliding preferences. It is those small things that I would normally not even notice, that suddenly frustrates and irritates my partner – and for me – this has been challenging to understand and deal with – because for me – the things the routine things that I do are completely natural, normal,  because I have always done things like this.

Thus, yesterday, I was discussing this point with my partner, of our colliding preferences, and the issue of which of our preferences should be given precedence. It was interesting to look at this point, because many of our preferences have no practical origin. Instead, many times, our preferences are something we have built up using the example of our parents, what others have told us to do, where we have not really looked at what would be the BEST way of approaching reality. How often do we sit down to define our preferences to align them with what is best for all, and base them on a solid foundation of research and reflection? Very, very seldom, at least that is the case with me.

For example, cleaning the house, initially as I moved away from my parents to live alone, cleaning was not a priority what-so-ever. I considered cleaning to be boring, tedious, and unnecessary. I thought that it was okay with dust, grease, and dirt, not because I had made in-depth research on what condition of cleanliness that would be best for me, but because I had examples in my life, such as friends, with a similar preference with regards to cleaning, from which I copied my particular approach. Hence, I embraced a filthy home-environment, because that was my preference. However, when my partner got into my life, this preference was challenged. My partner was a lot more cleanly and had specific routines for cleaning her home environment. In the beginning, this made no sense to me at all, and I for a long time resisted this new kind of preference . This obviously caused conflicts, because that is the thing with colliding preferences, conflicts will ensue.

This led me down the road of researching my cleaning preferences, questioning them, and seeing if there was a better way that I could deal with certain points. I started to research the purpose and functioning of cleaning more closely, and in that I developed a deeper understanding of cleaning. Instead of it being an empty preference, something I did by routine, I started to shape my cleaning preference based on what was best for all. I realized that a clean living abode is very important to physical health, and to clean effectively, various products, and techniques must be combined. Through me researching and challenging my preferences, an entire world of new information opened up, and eventually my partner and I were able to reach common ground in relation to our cleaning practices.

So, yesterday, the point of preference opened up in relation to another aspect of my life, where I had one way I liked to do things, and my partner another. At first I defended my preference, but then I started to look deeper into the point, because I realized, that when two preferences are at war, this because there is no understanding of what would be best for all. Hence, this is how I looked at it. If the two preferences are very much subjective (based on arbitrary conclusions) such as for example, preference of color, then the person which cares more for their preference should be given precedence, as long as there is no practical consequential outflow that is created by manifesting the preference. And if the preference concerns a practical physical point such as how to clean the counter-tops or the placement of particular furniture, then consideration should not only be given to we care about realizing that particular preference, but also to the point of what, according to research and objective considerations, would be the best, and accordingly from which preference we, equal and one, would benefit the most.

Thus, the trick is to look at the preference from within and as the starting point of equality and oneness, and ask myself: What would benefit me ‘equal and one’? And this requires that I let go of my desire to hold unto my specific preference, and open myself up to new ways of doing things, and unconditionally look at what would be the best for the both of us. Hence, in this process, I am changing the battle of the preferences, into a internal journey of finding the best ways to live together with my partner, where it is not anymore about ‘my’ preferences, it is about creating harmony and balance between two individuals with regards do daily living routines.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my preferences as more important than anyone else’s preference, and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of my self-interest to instead be able to see the practicality of preferences – and select my preference on the basis of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for and defend my preference

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful that I will not be able to live out my preference the way I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hear what preferences others might, and not care about it either, because I only care for my own preference

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my preferences more than the preferences of others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider, that when there is a ‘battle of preferences’ – this might be because I have not slowed myself down to listen to the other person, hear him or her out, to see what it is that he or she wants, because maybe their preference is more efficient, and practical than mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my preferences even though I do no care for them very much, and even though I could simply, and without much inner conflict change my preference to something that would be more in alignment with my physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not protecting my preferences, in fear that if I let them go, I am going to loose myself, or part of my identity, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my preferences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that preferences, mostly, have nothing to do with me and a genuine self-expression, as it is oftentimes merely a routine, and way of doing or approaching things, that I have gotten used to and now apply in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to question my preferences, and as well, dare to let them go, seeing, realizing and understanding that this will not compromise, or lessen me, because my preferences are not me, but merely ways of doing things, and sometimes, ways of doing things that are not efficient at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create my preferences on sound research – and define my preferences on what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let myself unconditionally listen to the preferences of others and see if there is something that I am able to learn or apply in my own life – or whether I can up/change/direct my preferences to become more effective and in alignment with physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about how my preferences came to be – and that many times it was just something that happened because I was comfortable with it, and someone else in my life did similar, and that it was seldom an act of conscious/aware deliberation, finding the best and most harmonious way to exist within and as this world

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself fighting for and defending my preferences, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that there is really nothing within me that I am able to loose by unconditionally considering the practicality of my preference, and that I do not loose myself by letting go of or changing a preference, and thus I commit myself to unconditionally consider and look at my preferences to see whether they are efficient and best for all – or whether there is another way of doing things that are better and more suitable – and thus select and decide upon the preference that is best

When and as I want to hold unto my preference, where I am afraid of loosing it, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am not my preferences, that my expression, my self-honesty, and my individuality is not limited by my preferences, and by the way that I usually doing things, and thus I commit myself to embrace the new input coming into my life, and unconditionally question my preferences, with the aim and intention of becoming more efficient and aligned in physical reality


Learn more about this way of living:

Clarifying Common Misunderstandings About Desteni

The following blog is originally a comment that I made to a review of the Equal Money System and Desteni that was shared on Quora – and you can find the entire discussion here.

First I will share the original review – and after this review I will show how this review is based upon many misunderstandings – and misconceptions – and that this have resulted from not thoroughly investigating what Desteni is really all about.

Review From Quora

This looks/sounds like a scam, and is very similar to that of Scientology (don’t sue me!).

Bernard Poolman, Desteni, and the cult’s followers have the following system:

  • Bernard Poolman, at the top of this scheme, recruits “managers” who recruit other “managers’ to the system, very similar to Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) and Scientology
  • After spending a certain amount of time and money at Desteni, you get to advance to the next level in “education and advancement”
  • In essence, there is no “equality” – all people at Desteni are trying to climb the ladder to the get more “educated” and spend more money in order to do so (similar to those in Scientology who wish to learn about the mysterious alien, Lord Xenu). It is rumored that some are paid commissions in order to recruit new members as well.
  • According to several reviews from past members I’ve read/heard about, none of the senior managers even know what the “Equal Money System” is and the phrase “Pyramid Scheme” will immediately get you banned from the organization

To me, it’s Scientology with a new twist that sounds more realistic: no aliens and thetas, instead filled with anarchistic goals of a communist planet where economic fact and reason are denied, and replaced with a system that will inevitably lead to destructive failure.

Edit: I just read on their materials and official site, aliens are indeed part of this system, and supposedly one of humanity’s greatest secrets. I stand corrected: this system is crazier than Scientology. Day 185: Are we Earthlings or Aliens? Secrets of the Human Race • Desteni – Group of people exploring Equality & Oneness principles

The reason I wrote this is because I see a lot of “Equal Money System” questions on Quora lately, likely sparked from managers within the group spamming to get Quorans thinking about falling bait.

I warn all Quora Admins to do their research on Bernard Poolman, Desteni, and this system, and be on the look out for spam. I also warn all Quorans, do not fall prey to this system – it is just another scam that preys on people who are facing rough times, those with sympathy towards equalism (though they pervert this idea), and young people.

For those wondering about Xenu (Scientology), here is what he supposedly looks like:

My Comment On The Review:

So – the first thing that can be pointed out in relation to this review is that it’s based upon assumption – and that there is no clear empirical evidence supporting any of the claims that is made by the author.

I will go through all the points mentioned in this review point by point to as such exactly how – and why – what is mentioned here is fiction and not really what Desteni is about.

CLAIM 1.
Bernard Poolman, at the top of this scheme, recruits “managers” who recruit other “managers’ to the system, very similar to Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) and Scientology

Answer:
Bernard Poolman is not “at the top of this scheme” – Bernard Poolman is the founder of Desteni but he’s not the chief executive of Desteni – the reason for this is that Desteni is a voluntary organisation that function by the combined efforts of all it’s members – we are a democratic and logic-based organisation wherein the suggestions, and pointers of members that are the best – will receive attention and be implemented.

Secondly – Desteni is not a scheme – we are very open about what we are – we are a open and voluntary organisation that have a very clear objective – and that is to create a world that is best for all in every way – there is nothing secret about this and everything of this is already shared on the Desteni website.

CLAIM 2.
“After spending a certain amount of time and money at Desteni, you get to advance to the next level in “education and advancement”

Answer:
No – Desteni is a FREE and voluntary organisation – everyone can participate as much as they like without paying anything.

Though – Desteni offer certain educational courses and these costs money – which is nothing strange – universities costs money because giving a education to someone requires that you have a teacher and the necessary educational material – the Desteni education functions by the same principles.

As you complete the courses given by Desteni you will be able to go to the next stage – obviously – there is nothing strange about this either – and the same principle is used in all schools – you must first understand the basics to go to the more advanced level.

CLAIM 3.
“In essence, there is no “equality” – all people at Desteni are trying to climb the ladder to the get more “educated” and spend more money in order to do so (similar to those in Scientology who wish to learn about the mysterious alien, Lord Xenu). It is rumored that some are paid commissions in order to recruit new members as well.”

Answer:
Those that participate in Desteni are not there to climb a ladder – we are walking the courses by our own free-choice – and because we are genuinly interested in understanding ourselves, and how to be able to become more effective human-beings.We spend money in order to walk the courses – but as I’ve said – this is nothing strange – you spend money to get access to services in the system all the time – and it’s ignorant to believe that you’re able to give a high-quality education without asking for money in return – it’s simply not possible.

Yes – we are paid commissions in order to recruit new members – yet – this is nothing strange either – several organizations apply the same method – and most companies that are into sales will have a similar principle wherein you get paid by the amount of sales you do. It’s simply a practical point that have been implemented in order to motivate people to bring more people to study the courses offered at Desteni – completely normal capitalistic behavior.

CLAIM 4.
“According to several reviews from past members I’ve read/heard about, none of the senior managers even know what the “Equal Money System” is and the phrase “Pyramid Scheme” will immediately get you banned from the organization”

Answer:
This is misinformation as it’s completely false and doesn’t have any bearing at all.

Firstly – there are no “senior mangers” at Desteni – those that participate are all equal in that they participate by their own free will – and they do so voluntarily – though you will earn respect in the organization as you’re seen to place much time and effort into walking the message that the group presents – yet this will not make you more special, and it will not give you more access into the “secrets” of Desteni – simply because there are no such secrets.

The Equal Money System is shared on the Equal Money website – and everything that is written about the system there is what is the system currently looks like – thus everyone have access to see, understand, and research the Equal Money System for themselves – it’s nothing hidden at all.

CLAIM 5.
“I just read on their materials and official site, aliens are indeed part of this system, and supposedly one of humanity’s greatest secrets. I stand corrected: this system is crazier than Scientology.”

Answer:
Aliens are not apart of the Equal Money System – and it’s not a part of the practical message of Desteni – which is very simple – it’s to give as you’d like to receive.

Aliens have on the other hand been interviewed through the inter-dimensional portal – and they have given their perspective on the state of humanity – and also shared themselves. This I know is hard for many to understand and comprehend – thus – I will state the following: it’s not necessary to believe in the portal in order to apply the tools of Desteni.

What is important in Desteni is the message that is shared – and this is a highly practical and measurable message – that have effects which you can see in the behavior of the being that decides to walk and live the message – thus – this is what is important; whether Aliens share this message, or some other type of manifestation – it doesn’t really matter – because in the end it all comes down to self-respect and creating self to stand as a individual of integrity in this world.

CONCLUSION:
So – as you can see – there is MUCH misinformation – many misunderstandings – and lot’s of assumptions as to what Desteni is – and what the Equal Money System is – my suggestion is as such that anyone interested, or curious about what we do and represent – commit themselves to do a thorough investigation of the point and most importantly – keep an open mind because the message of Desteni is hard to understand and it will challenge you on many different levels – because a message like this haven’t ever been shared in this way before.
Lastly – Desteni is not a scam – and we are not dangerous – and we are not evil – we are simply human beings sharing a message that have actually been on this earth for several thousands of years already – the message was first shared by Jesus when he said do unto another as you’d like to be done unto you – and this is what we’re all about – really simple!

Okay – I hope this cleared up some points – visit our websites for more information:
Equal Money System
Desteni Website