Tag Archives: mother

Day 296: Redefining Purpose

Creating my purpose, which is a process I have walked actively for a while now. I have from time to time experienced myself conflicted in this process, and mostly this has been related to the feeling that things are not moving fast enough, that I am not getting through, that I am not getting the feedback, and response I would like. This in turn have caused me to start to doubt the purpose I have given myself, and wonder if I am doing something wrong, or whether maybe walking into the wrong direction.

I have decided to look more deeply into this recurring experience to see where it is coming from. What I have realized is that there is an undercurrent of desire existing in my definition and understanding of purpose, and that the conflict I experience is actually consisting of a polarity of fear and desire. Now, the desire in my purpose, is to reach a state of notoriety, to be famous, known and well-regarded. You know, like an expert speaking on the television, having the loyal followers, being quoted in books, and seen all over the world as a significant figure. An example of that would be Ghandi, or Martin Luther King – the epitome of a supreme and world known leader.

In analyzing and reflecting on this point I have now realized that having, and walking a purpose, is not real, unless that purpose is walked for a greater cause, something bigger than ME – meaning: A point I create and walk in my life because I see it is of benefit to OTHERS – to this WORLD – it is hence me GIVING of myself. Purpose is not about receiving, purpose is not about ME – and this is what I have not fully grasped. For me purpose has been about becoming someone for others so that I can feel purposeful.

And I cannot blame myself for misunderstanding this, because if we look at the world, and how currently define purpose, mostly it is connected to being ‘special’, ‘unique’, having some form of ‘god given talent’ – for example: I have rarely seen someone exclaim that it is their purpose to pick up trash, or to clean horse stables, or take care of weeds. Mostly purpose, on a world system level, is defined as this great feat of human creation and confined to special and heroic human beings that have lived special lives throughout the course of human history.

Hence, I will here relook at my definition of purpose – what is really purpose?

Current definition of purpose in the dictionary

1 The reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists: the purpose of the meeting is to appoint a trustee | the building is no longer needed for its original purpose.

* (Usu. purposes) a particular requirement or consideration, typically one that is temporary or restricted in scope or extent: state pensions are considered as earned income for tax purposes.

2 [Mass noun] a person’s sense of resolve or determination: there was a new sense of purpose in her step as she set off.

Sounding of the word

Pur-pose

Poor-pose

Port-choice

Put-port

Put-purse

Purr-purse

Purr-pose

Peer-parse

Peer-pass

Purr-position

Pour-Pose

The direct translation from Swedish is End-Goal

Creative Writing

In the sound of the word, is the sound PURR – which is the sound cat makes when they enjoy something. When petted, they purr. Then we have the sound pass, purse, or pose – where posing would be a certain position you take.

So, combining these sounds and the meanings of them, we get that purpose is a pose/action/movement we walk which in some way tickles our fancies – meaning – it is something that gets our blood pumping and we purr – we cannot help it – just as the cat cannot help purring when its petted.

And then, the Swedish translation of the word indicates that purpose is also about an END-GOAL – a VISION – something we desire to manifest in this world.

Hence – the question when establishing purpose for myself should be – what makes me purr? What is personal and close to me that I am passionate about – that I can develop and take as pose – a position – in this world? And then – as well – looking at what the END-GOAL – what it is that I want this purr within me to create – how can I – PASS-I-ON this PURR to the world?

Then – we also have the sound combination POUR-POSE – basically implying that something is being poured into a particular shape and form – a pose – a force is being directed to take a particular shape and form. For example, water is being poured into a glass of water, the water then taking the pose of water in a glass.

So, what i see is that purpose is about direction – about guiding energy, and movement. Purpose is a road map for what we do in this world, and do not do – it is the very REASON behind our movement and thus why we POUR our energy/life into a certain POSE in this world.

Redefinition of the word purpose

The reason and vision that moves a point forward

And when it comes to redefining it for the human experience – where focus is on ‘life-purpose’:

The reason and vision which drives me forward to pass it on to the rest of the world

Conclusions:

Hence, when it comes to purpose, it is important to clarify what is the REASON for my LIFE. Meaning, what can I contribute and give the will make a difference and enhance the life, of not only mine, but also the lives of others? Into what POSITION can I pour my life and time?

Then, the VISION must also be established, what is it the I want to create, what is the END-GOAL?

Finally, what is my PASSION? Where and what of myself can I pass unto others that will benefit them? Where are my strengths, my secret powers, those parts of me that I see is needed in the world, and that only I am able to bring; because that is the point which is required for me to take responsibility for – hence – my purpose.

And here it is important to not that passion is NOT an experience. Passion is instead that which I see that I can PASS ON – meaning – that of myself that I see myself giving to the world; as such passion is about giving of myself and not about having an experience.

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Day 240: What Is Real Independence?

independenceIf you who are reading this have reached an age above 18, I’m quite certain that you can relate the phenomenon called teenage rebellion, or the ‘breaking away from your parents’-phase. My own breaking-away period was to put it mildly, very aggressive and destructive, and the fascinating thing is that I did it in order to prove to my parents that I was now independent. Though, was I really ever independent when I had to PROVE my independence to someone else?

Nah, not really, because real independence has nothing to do with your parents, or anyone else for that matter, real independence is about yourself – and who you are in relationship to your own mind. Real independence is something that we are able to live regardless of where we are, with who we are, regardless of what we are doing, or when we are doing it – because real independence is the point of us STANDING as the SELF-DIRECTIVE principle within ourselves – which means that we direct ourselves in every waking moment according to COMMON SENSE as what is best for all.

Now, today I wish to write about my experience of moving back to my mother at the mature age of 28, something that in my own culture, is looked upon as a regression, and seen as a failure to ‘create your own life’ – because apparently – creating your own life means living in your own apartment, having your own job, your own friends, your own stuff, your own dreams, and so on. Though, let’s take a closer look on this cultural belief system – does it stand a thorough common sense investigation? Let’s see shall we.

Does having your own job, or being self-employed mean that you are ‘independent’? No – because your still connected to your employer, or customers – and obviously still dependent upon the monetary system to continue functioning properly. And with having your own apartment – that doesn’t really make you INDEPENDENT – but rather dependent on your apartment. So let’s face one often missed fact about this physical world – it’s based on relationships of dependency – there is not one single point in this world that stands independent. You can have millions of money and your bank-account and still – you and your life will be dependent upon a myriad of other beings and creatures in this world.

So, if independence can’t exist in this physical world? Then where can it be found? Well, independence is about WHO YOU ARE within yourself – it’s about how you approach things – being independent could for example entail having a ability to effectively assess information as to whether it’s reliable or not, and thus not allow yourself to be swayed by reactions and opinions of others. Or it could entail an ability to set goals for yourself, and move towards these, and in this process – not accept and allow yourself to change and compromise on the basis of what others would like your life to become. This would be real and practical examples of independence lived in the physical – coming from the internal and expressed in the external.

Thus, me moving home to live with my mother, does this say anything about my state of independence? No – because me as the expression of independence is something that I can live, walk and create each and every day regardless of my environment – because independence is about WHO I AM – and not WHERE I am. The fact of the matter is that moving home to my mother, out on the countryside was a specific, well planned, and thought through decision – something that I realized I wanted to do, because I have an affinity for the country side – thus actually a independent decision.

We can conclude with the following – in this physical external world it’s not possible to stand as a point independence – because all points affect each-other – and rather – embracing dependence and realizing how your actions and life will affect that of another is a key for the human race to move forward towards a better world for all. Though, independence can be lived internally, as WHO WE ARE, as HOW we approach things, as HOW we live – in this realm within ourselves we are able to stand independent and let our thoughts, words and actions be genuine representations of WHO WE ARE in-fact – where we do not anymore hide but instead express our individual and unique beingness expression – and live that which we’ve decided that we will accept and allow – and stop participation in that which we’ve decided that we will not accept and allow.

Day 213: The s(M)mothering-construct

Lately I’ve been seeing the effects of a particular behavior and way of being that I’ve created throughout the years – and this is the s(M)othering-construct – where I literally smother myself and/or others through a very strict idea of what is right, and what is wrong – what is good and what is bad – what is correct and what is incorrect.

The main problem I’ve seen is the way that I approach my own as well as others mistakes, because when a mistake, or mishap happen, I tend to judge, blame, and the enforce a correction – implement the ‘right’ way of doing things. For example, let’s say I’ve been eating something that doesn’t go with my body very well, and I get a stomach ache because of it – then my automated way of dealing with this is to be hard on myself, and demand that I do what is ‘right’ – and thus not anymore eat that kind of food.

What happens when I approach mistakes, mishaps and weaknesses in this way is that I never go in any depth, I don’t actually discover what’s behind the point, and what has created it – instead the point is just plain wrong and it must be turned around to be right. Though, this also poses difficulties, because often then I don’t know really what is wrong, and what is supposedly right, and then my corrective application will be sporadic, and not grounded and clear in purpose.

Thus – there are obvious benefits with LEARNING to understand – to observe without judgments, without rights and wrongs, with correct and incorrect – because then I’m able to see what’s behind it all. For example, with criminals, many judge those as being absolutely wrong, distasteful and reprehensible individuals – yet there is a clear WHY behind such criminals – and that is most often a lack of money. That same principle of seeing the WHY that exists behind the HOW in myself and others on a more personal level – thus the best effects will come through when allowing myself to UNDERSTAND and GET TO KNOW others – instead of indiscriminately judging them for not fitting my ideals, and ideas of what is right and wrong.

Obviously the same goes for me – I also must accept and allow myself to when a reaction or a thought come up within me, or when I do a mistake or see a weakness I’ve created – instead of pushing it aside – apparently ‘changing’ it and thinking that I’m then ‘done’ – to accept and allow myself to ask WHY? Where are you coming from reaction, and what are you doing here? Thus accepting and allowing myself to understand my creation – in that empowering me to stand up and make definitive changes that will assist and support me as well as others in my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and another for a reaction that comes up, a personality that activates, or a action that is taken that isn’t what is best for all – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a way of motivating myself to change – where I will judge myself and what I do as being wrong, or bad – and then in that enforce a change and a direction into what is right – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in that disallowing myself from actually understanding and comprehending the point – and seeing from where this point is coming – and also why it is that I am creating what I am creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that understanding a point is a necessary prerequisite for being able to effectively change a point – and that without understanding – what is going to take place will be more of a suppression – where the apparently ‘wrong’ point will be pushed down and pushed away – and another ‘right’ behavior take it’s place – though the actual starting point will not be understood and changed – and thus the essence of who I will still remain the same – a slave to energy and experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for reacting, for going into a personality, and for having certain patterns that are very persistent, and that I experience as being difficult to change – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through judging myself – actually hinder and stop myself from being able to see the mechanics behind a point – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be more gentle and inquisitive with regards to discovering and uncovering the truth and the real nature of myself – seeing, realizing and understanding that I will only ever get to the bottom if I accept and allow myself to unconditionally see, and walk through what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply a technique, where I will, when seeing that I compromise myself in terms of accepting and allowing myself to become emotional, go into a reaction, or a personality, to apply the bulldozer method, where I will just say to myself that ‘I am going to change that point!’ – though in that not being absolutely clear on what I am changing within myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the time, and patience to walk a process of preparation with self-forgiveness, and if I have the time, also writing about the point – realizing that in doing this I’m actively investigating the WHY of a point – and getting to an understanding of HOW it functions – and thus more specifically what I require to change and direct in order to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others, and their difficulties, and weaknesses, with judgment, where I want them to change, and change immediately, using the bulldozer technique, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not how I effectively effectuate change in my world – because in using the bulldozer technique I will more force others to be the way that I want them to be, and there won’t be an understanding, and realization in the other as to why they move as they do, as to why a particular starting point, direction or application is not effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the priority of my application when assisting and supporting others – to empower them to become self-realized – and realize that this is the important point to convey – that the change in physical application is important – yet what is even more important is that the starting point of that change is clear and comes from within and as a point of self-realization – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and support others from within and as judgment – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be unconditional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to not as I am about to assist and support another with a point, or as I am considering to do this, to take a breath, to slow down, and to look within me, so that there is no reaction, or movement inside – but that I am clear – here – specific – and ready to unconditionally give to another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow just a slight movement within me – such as a judgment – the support will be compromised and it will not be aligned with the individualsthat is in-front of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that assistance and support can only ever be effective when there is no judgment – where there is no right and wrong – when there is no holding unto the past taking place – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of when I am speaking with another – and want to show them a point – to make sure that I am clear – that I’m not driven to go there by thoughts or emotions – but that the point is unconditional – that it holds no stigma or bias – but that I am merely unconditionally giving to another a tool of empowerment so that they can stand up and make their lives more effective and potent

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I’m going into a judgment, and I want to move myself to assist and support either myself or another to change, and alter, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this movement is fueled by a judgment – which is actually a fear coming from a moral reasoning that reacting, being in a state of personality, or mind is bad – and must be immediately suppressed and fought – and thus I commit myself to instead in that moment relax – to slow down – and allow myself to investigate, be inquisitive about, and understand this particular system that I am facing – and thus take on the point of self-correction when I know what I am facing and what the solution to the point in-fact is

When and as I see that I’ve got a movement within me, of wanting to correct, and make others do the right thing, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this point of wanting others to do the right thing is in-fact a fear possession – where I don’t accept and allow myself to see that when just forcing others to do what I see is right – they won’t actually learn anything, they won’t in-fact and by their own volition motivate and move themselves – they won’t create a relationship with themselves but merely be a follower – and thus I commit myself to support others to stand independently – and do that through without judgments of right and wrong – and assist and support others to realize and move beyond their limitations – and thus not make it about morality – rather have the starting point of giving to another what I’d like to receive

Day 212: Self-Creation

Today I had a fascinating point open up in relation to the point of self-creation – and taking my life by the horns and designing it – instead of waiting for things to calm in the palm of my hand.

So, the context was the following: I’ve decided to move back to the town where I grew and settle in with my mother on our family farm – today I had a thought come up in regards to this prospect that contained this moaning – drop – experience. The essence of the thought was: “What if it’s boring to live there?” – and the energy experience that accompanied the thought was a sense of dullness and weariness.

What I could see was that this point is in-fact a form of self-sabotage – because what I do in participating with this thought and emotion – is that I blame my environment for not being as stimulating and satisfying as I want it to be – and I thus expect my environment to create me – I expect my surroundings to facilitate and develop me. And this is obviously limiting – because here I will forever search for some perfect environment that will fulfill my ideas – and I won’t push myself to actually create that point of interest – to ask myself – what gifts DOES my world hold? What is it here that I can learn? That is just here before my eyes, and that I can take with me?

For example with my mother, and living on the farm, there are tons of things I’m able to learn – I can learn more about animals, more about handcrafting, and being practical, dealing with more physical labor, I can learn cooking, baking – and I can do more outdoor things living so close to nature. Do when I approached the point from the starting point of a emotion – this dullness and weariness – I couldn’t see those gifts – see the cool points and opportunities of self-creation that was right before me all along.

Thus – a correction that I am now going to apply – is that when I notice I judge my environment or surroundings for apparently not facilitating my self-creation and life – I stop – and I ask myself instead – what are the gifts here? What can I CREATE with what is here? What are the potentials, the opportunities, the prospects that I can expand and move? So, instead of seeing my world in the color of emotion – stopping myself – and looking at what is the gifts? What are the potential of creation?

And this I would say is the core of what it means to create yourself – it means to take active responsibility – to work with what is HERE and to CREATE with what is here – to stop hoping that the future will bring anything, stop hoping that my environment will move points into my world, stop hoping that my life will come to me – and instead actively CREATE and BUILD it – that is real self-empowerment – and that is real JOY – to live as a creator – and create life in real time.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge living with my mother, and living on a farm as being dull, mundane and wearisome – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this aspect and part of life – instead of seeing what potential there are for self-creation – what potential there is for life to be birthed – what I can do to enrich my life and the lives of others HERE – looking at what I can push – how I can move and direct myself to create added value – instead of expecting it to turn up on my door step

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother, and the farm for causing this experience in me of dullness and weariness – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this blame is locking me into a state of not seeing that I am the creator – and that when I accept myself and my general self-experience as being dull and weary – then that is what I am going to create – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself out of this experience – and push myself to create my life – to enhance my life – to create added value – to see the potentials and the gifts that are here – and thus not anymore remain in a state of blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take charge of my life and my future – through asking myself how I’m able to substantiate and build my life HERE – and thus not anymore look at my environment or my future to bring me this state of fulfillment and added value – but realize that I must stand as that point – and that I’m able to align myself with this point regardless of where I am – that it’s not a matter of where I’m but how I approach things – how I see things – and that I can actually train and practice myself to see the gifts and the potentials of a environment or relationship – and then push myself to create these potentials

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience that comes up within me – that something is limited, or that something is too small, and insignificant, and doesn’t offer me enough challenges, or moments of expansion – to not see how this is self-sabotage – because in-fact I’m responsible for my own growth – for creating my life to be expansive – to be enjoyable – to be fascinating – to be creative and to walk the potentials that open up in my life and in my world into creation – and into actual fulfillment and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself – through holding unto this belief that apparently my world should change and offer me that point of creation – not realizing that I must actively stand as – and will myself to ask – what is the potential here? What can I create here? What can I build, form and shape here? And how can I add value to my own life and the lives of others?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my life to open up, to wait for opportunities to unfold, to wait for a process of creation to begin, to wait for life, instead of me actively willing, and creating my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my life can become so much more – when I accept and allow myself to see the opportunities and the gifts that are here – and what I can create, pursue, and build with my life here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not open up my eyes and see that gifts that are right in-front of me – and embrace these gifts – walk them and create them into the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I’m able to give myself some very cool points of direction in my life that will assist and support not only me – but also others in my life – and that thus – I don’t require to wait for things to unfold – but I can instead take direction and push for points to come into creation – to design my own life manifesto of who I am – and where I am going – in the personal – interpersonal and existential level of creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the decision I’ve made to go to the farm – to embrace this decision and walk with the point unconditionally – to not attempt and try anymore to fight it – but rather walk with it – and make it mine – and make it mine through actively looking for gifts and potentials that I can create and manifest through this adventure – to look where I’m able to learn – where I’m able to contribute – where there are gifts that I can develop and expand upon – and thus instead of wanting and wishing to be somewhere else – make the absolute most of what is here in my life in this very moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my process of creation must take place HERE – that my process of building and shaping myself in my life must be walked HERE – that I can’t wait for life – I can’t hope that life will unfold – I must create it – I must will into the physical and thus stand as the point – as the searchlight – that constantly looks for new ways – new paths – where I can expand – where I can move – where I can direct myself to add value – to enhance and to gift life to myself as well as others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of blaming my environment, and thinking that my environment is responsible for causing me to feel limited, and less expansive, and as having less opportunities to build a life for myself – I stop – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the real potential of creation and the real potential of creating a life for myself exists HERE – within and as my human physical body – within and as my physical world that is HERE with me in this moment – HERE are the potentials for self-creation – they are not out there somewhere in the future – they are here in my world – and it’s thus my responsibility to see them – to find the gifts – and then to walk the gifts into creation; and thus I commit myself to when this experience of blame and a thought of dropping – and standing back comes up within me – to then say NO – and look at what are the gifts, what are the potentials, what am I able to create for myself in this life, in this moment, where I am at right now? And thus walk the process of taking these gifts into creation

FAQ Will I have to pay for the daycare/nursery of my child? Does a daycare/nursery still exist?

In an Equal Money System you won’t have to pay for anything, ever again – all that you require and need in order to live a fulfilled and effective life, will be there, supplied for you, unconditionally – that is in living action the benevolence and support as principles that the Equal Money System is based upon; in short – what is best for all, will be available to all – regardless.

As such – if it’s best for all that a nursery and daycare still exist – this will be available. As I see it – the daycare is a cool place for a child to spend time in, it’s fun to meet other children, and it’s exciting to play and have fun in the supportive environment of nurses – that are able to watch over, and socialize with the children.

Currently, most parents place their children at a daycare, and nursery due to the fact that they have to earn money each day, and spend several hours at work – this will not be so in an Equal Money System, because here you’ll not need to anymore fight, struggle, and spend your time slaving away at a job – as all that you need to live an effective and fulfilled life will be supplied too you unconditionally – you won’t anymore need to earn your right to live – your right to a fulfilled and complete life-experience will be here as a fact simply because your born.

Thus, children will spend more time with their parents instead of being at a daycare or nursery – yet the nursery and daycare will still exist as a center of interaction and socialization between children, as well as parents – where newly made parents can meet and discuss their experiences and learn from each other.

Further – the nursery can exist as a place of education to the parents, where nurses or daycare personnel, as people that truly enjoy and live to express themselves together and with children, are able to share their insights and realizations in regards to how to effectively support children – the daycare will be as a point of coming together for both children and parents, wherein all can have fun, interact, and have a good time together.

Though, nursery as a place where you dump your children, to get to be alone at work, won’t anymore exist – parents will now have time to be parents instead of slaves.

As such the children, as well as the parents, will truly be supported and assisted to develop a cool relationship with each-other, and at the same time expand and grow themselves to become more fulfilled and worthy beings – truly satisfied with themselves and the life that they lead; as beings that are in-fact living self-perfection in every breath, expressing themselves as life as who they are.

Finding Problems Instead of Solutions

I’ve had a cool realization today that I would like to share. It all began when I was with my mother in our shed. We where going to check out some windows, which we were then going to use in order to re-place our other one’s that are already installed on the house – because we’re going to take the already installed one’s down for a while, due to maintenance, and that is when we need the old windows to take their place.

So, we where in the shed inspecting windows and I noticed how dirty it was in the shed. There was shit everywhere – metal, bathtubs, toilets, building material – and I started to complain in my head that it was dirty; then I started to speak it.

I actually thought as I started to speak to my mother, about how I thought it was dirty in the shed, that I was being self-honest, thinking that I am revealing this mess that is here, I am showing this mess to my mother. But then I realized, after a while of speaking, in this starting point of pointing out the shit that was everywhere around me, that I wasn’t actually doing anything supportive at all. I wasn’t taking responsibility for the shit that was around me and I didn’t have it mind to do it either – I simply wanted to speak about it and point out the apparent badness of it to my mother.

I realized that I was doing this because I wanted to present myself as mature and as a know-it-all, as a grown-up, putting my mother on the spot through showing how badly she had things organized. It made me feel superior and strong and that is why I did it. So, I didn’t realize what I had done until I was actually finished with it. But as I spoke the last word I noticed how I felt funny inside, like almost ill, but not like a sickness, but as a feeling. And I realized this was because I had spoken and shared myself in a way that wasn’t supportive, that wasn’t what was best for all.

Though, this is only one of my realizations – in the moment just prior to my moment of apparent maturity, I had accepted and allowed myself to participate in a similar construct.

This time my mother was standing by the windows attempting to figure out how to solve the problem of closing the empty hole that would be created when we removed the windows for maintenance – as we’ve figured out that the old windows we first wanted to use was to small. My mother then asked me if I could possibly saw out a shape in plywood that would resemble the size of a window, so that we could push it into the to-be hole.

Here is where I then entered the construct, because I started to speak about how difficult this might be, and how it would probably fail – and I did this, firstly, without being completely certain that it would fail, secondly, without coming with any solutions myself – it was like I wanted to focus upon the negativity, and the prospect of a failure, simply in order to be able to feel mature and ‘realistic’ and have my mother perceive me as a experienced and sensible individual – for apparently knowing the limitations of construction work.

So, fascinating – two points of communication with my mother, where I instead of standing here as breath, working with solutions, and taking responsibility for my reality, instead went into negativity, as in wanting to find problems with my reality – so that I could feel superior and more mature than the people in my reality.

Quite the fuck-up. Time to stop this.