Tag Archives: nervousness

Day 101: One Day Before Exams

Tomorrow I have my exams. I’ve prepared myself with discipline and diligence and I do see that I am well prepared to take the exam – still there is nervousness and anxiety within me. Thus, I will in this blog clear out any such compromising experience so that I am able to walk and take my exams tomorrow within stability and self-presence here as breath – realizing that the results on my test does not define who I am, because I decide and define who I am practically in every moment of breath through what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into thoughts that are of that nature “what if” wherein I look at my future, I look at my exam, I look at future potentials from a starting of fear, as “what if” I don’t make it, “what if” I fail, “what if” I will not get the best mark, “what if” – what will happen? As such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and give myself a break – realizing that it doesn’t in anyway assist and support me to worry, and go into nervousness – the mind and it’s energies has no practical function but to take me into and as a experience and separate myself from this physical practical moment here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according fear instead of in every moment standing stable here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that going into the mind, and becoming possessed with fear in the mind has no practical function or meaning, it will not change anything, if anything it will only make me less effective at recalling and regurgitating information, because I am to worried about the results, thus not effectively accepting and allowing myself to walk HERE – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, realize that the mind isn’t support me in terms of the fear and nervousness I experience – that these experiences are in no way practical – they are only experiences – and thus won’t assist me to walk through the practical challenge than an exam in-fact represents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I mean, looking at the situation from a physical and practical perspective, there is absolutely nothing I have to fear or be nervous about, because I have prepared myself, I have done and put in the necessary effort and work, and thus all I have to do now is simply to walk the point, to walk the exam, to walk into the unknown and trust myself that I will be able to walk it through effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overly concerned and possessed with “the results” – with “the outflow” wherein I start thinking more about what might, or might not happen, instead of me in every moment breath being HERE and walking this moment HERE – making decisions HERE upon the basis of what is here not existing in my mind trying to prevent my fears from taking place through fearing what I fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a completely detrimental and irrational way of dealing with things – wherein I am going into experience, thinking that this will assist me in walking my real life, not realizing that experience have nothing to do with walking my life practically, physically and effective here – because such a point is a physical point – and thus something that I can walk without experience as I do in-fact only need myself here, my body and practically in common sense seeing what must be done and then doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be here with my physical body regardless of what challenges I am walking through, realizing and understanding that no matter what, I am here – regardless of what I face, regardless of challenges, regardless of contingencies I will still be here, and thus this is what I must develop, my ability to act, direct and move points effectively that appear and occur here – because here I have my power to direct – my power to influence – my power to move – my power to take responsibility – it’s not existent in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that for each and every time I go into my mind, and instead of participating, living and moving myself here, instead being busy and moving in my mind, I am obviously not moving myself effectively – I mean this is simply common sense – because when I am not here – obviously I can’t move and direct myself here as there must be a driver in the driver seat else the consequence will be that I create my life without awareness – without a driver in the driver seat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how when I accept and allow nervousness and fear to be the driver of my life, I create a life equal and one to fear and nervousness, due to the simple fact that I am not here in every moment – aware – stable – able – and in real-time directing my life and myself to be what I want it to be – and thus the consequence will be that my life comes to zilch – null; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and motivate myself in every moment to remain here – to push myself to let go of emotions and feelings – and be stable – and directive here without the mind because I don’t need the mind – I don’t require experience – I don’t require emotion – I simply require myself – HERE – in and as stability of breath – within and as the certainty that I am here – and I direct what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even though nervousness and fear appears to be such convincing experiences, apparently indicating that there is some type of real danger, and real “what if” that I must fear – the truth is that nervousness and fear aren’t based upon facts, they are based upon construing reality – trying to make sense of it – while not look at the actual physical movement and direction of reality; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and motivate myself to look at reality directly here – to for instance in this case see that the practical reality is that I have prepared myself – I have effectively integrated the knowledge – the point is done and complete – and as such there is no point to worry about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this dream, which is in-fact a point of competition, that I am going to get the best marks, and within that enable myself to at a later stage become lawyer or work at the courts or something in that manner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a problem, because I’ve defined myself according to a dream and a plan, thinking that this plan and dream is me – instead of me being the creator and directive principle of my plans and dreams, wherein these are points that I direct and create according to what I see is practical, common sense, valid and effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the dream and hope to become a top-shot lawyer, or work in a court, and a have so-called “top position” and realize that when I accept and allow plans to control me, when I become emotionally affected and change who I am upon the basis of what I set out to do, then this is a problem, as it shows me that I am not the directive principle, I am not standing clear but I am instead allowing myself to be defined, to believe that the plan or dream “makes me” – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to create myself, for me to make a decision that “this is who I am” – and that I stand by my decision of who I am regardless of how my external reality moves – and that I stand equal and one with my external reality – realizing that moving myself in the system is nothing more but a piece of chess – that it’s about positions, it’s about planning, it’s about strategizing – which I am able to do without connecting any form of experience, dream or mental hope in relation to my direction and movement in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can obviously only be effective and live my full potential when I in-fact do accept and allow myself to have my full potential here as me in every moment breath, which implies that I don’t define or limit myself according to a plan, or a dream – believing that “I must reach this” – “or else everything fails” – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and unconditionally let my plans go from a starting point of not defining myself in relation to them – realizing that they are plans – they are mathematical equation that I’ve created and that they have a purpose that is practical – and that plans moved within a starting point of emotions are really worthless – because they are not in relation to what is real – what is practical – what is actual and what is physical – they’re simply experiences and thus obviously not in alignment with and as physical reality HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s common sense – that plans must not define who I am – because if they do – they’re no longer plans – they are my enslaver – they are my point of addiction that I follow to get a high of emotions – and not something that I move and walk towards because it makes sense – because it’s effective – because it will have an outflow that I can stand by – that I see is practical – that is relevant – that I see is cool and that I’d want for myself and others in my world; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally let go my plans as a point of me wanting to get there to experience myself a certain way, and I instead commit myself to walk HERE – practically – physically – in and as stability – as breath – walking my plans because they make sense – and if they don’t work out – I merely change the plans according to what I see is effective – practical and relevant – according what I see will work and will have a outflow which I am satisfied with it effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that nervousness and fear exist within me because I am resisting the unknown, I am resisting the realization that there is no certainty, that I can’t be assured that my plans are going to work out, that I can’t be certain that my life is going to turn out as I’ve thought, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace this unknown, to see, realize and understand that I am able to stand within this point of the unknown, that I am able to stand stable, HERE – and direct myself in every moment of breath – realizing that it’s a condition of this existence – the unknown – and it’s fruitless to fight it – fruitless to resist it – and the key is thus to understand it and learn to direct myself within it and trust myself that I will direct myself towards and as a solution that is best for all regardless of what external situations I am facing in my world and reality

Self-commitments

I commit myself to not longer hold unto my plans as a emotional experience, but to instead make me the directive principle of my plans, thus allowing me to without any emotion or feeling change my plans when I see the need for it arise – because I am here and I direct myself according to what is here

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to my plans, to realize that this world does not define who I am, I define who I am, I decide who I am – and thus the results of my exams will merely be the results on the exam and nothing more and nothing less – thus I commit myself to not make me walking in this system in anyway personal or “about me” but to realize that I am really playing chess and that it’s a game of positions, strategizing, and making moves – which is nothing personal it’s just what it is

I commit myself to stop competing, to stop trying to win, to stop wanting to prove myself to be the best and instead focus upon what I am here to do, which is to create a world, a reality an existence that is best for all – where life can be lived in the full measure – where life is honored and respected – where life is cared for – where life is treated with compassion and consideration – and thus I commit myself to realize that in the big picture my nervousness and fear is irrelevant – and that I can use this time far more effectively – than existing in and being possessed with nervousness and fear

I commit myself to realize that I decide who I am – and that I decide how I will experience myself walking in this world – I decide and not a result on my exams – thus I walk here – I stabilize myself here – I stop this point of fear and nervousness and bring myself back to what is real here

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Day 86: The Worst Possible Outcome

I am continuing to work with fear in relation to money, work, and career.

blog_mistakeWhat I am able to see is that I through out my day will have these instances, the short statements occurring in my mind that are based in fear. For example: “I must get that done!” – or “I should work more with my studies” – or “I wonder if I’ll be able to get through this education with sufficient grades, maybe I should prepare myself if I am not able to do that?” – so these thoughts are a type of preparing for the future thought, preparing myself for the worst possible outcome, and the essence of them is fear of survival, fear of failure, and fear of the unknown.

What I also notice is that I have this undercurrent of a anxiety within me that is churning in my chest through my day; it’s subtle, and the energy is not very clearly defined, it’s more there all the time like a presence, a constant reminder that I must apparently watch out, be aware, and make sure that I make my utmost to survive – or else!

I realize that this particular fear has been with me most of my life and that it’s been the motivating force behind many of my decisions to learn certain skills, take particular projects, and excel within them – it’s been done in order for me to survive, or rather it’s be done as a way to handle my anxieties, and fears in relation to the future.

Obviously this problem can’t be solved through my trying to fight this fear of survival, and protect myself from it – I must find the origin point and remove it. My goal within all of this is to remove all of this survivalist fear from my life, so that I am able to simply walk in this system, in this world, without being constantly busy trying to protect myself from my the things I fear will happen. Many might think that this type of fear is natural, and that nothing can be done to change this experience; though this is not so – what must be understood is that everything we experience within ourselves is self-created – it didn’t just come from nowhere – it’s not just “human nature” – it’s really a self-developed system of limitation that is the cause for much of the separation we experience in our world today.

Because consider what is the outflow consequence of 7 billion human beings only caring for their own survival, and the survival of those closest to them – the result is a massive competition where we really create that which we fear, because we’re not able to trust, and support one another – instead each of us goes “our own way” in trying to survive, and get by in this world. Isn’t this the point from which war stems as well? The incessant desire to control resources, and protect one’s land, as the point from which food grows – all coming from the fear of survival – resulting in countries declaring war upon one another in order to protect, or expand the resources at their disposal, to as such secure their own personal survival.

Though, the simple point isn’t understood, that if we’d all stop only caring for ourselves, and our own personal survival, we’d be able to trust one another, support one another, and together make sure that all are cared for – and as such this fear of survival would be totally eradicated; because we’d all know that we’re cared for, that we have what we need, and that nobody can take this away from us.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry as a burden through out my life a constant anxiety, fear, and nervousness in relation to living, and existing here on this planet – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and fully immersed within and as fear, and anxiety for my survival – wherein each and every breath that I take in this world will be taken within this fear, within a sort of adrenaline rush, wherein I am rushing within myself to try to protect myself from any and all apparent dangers that are out there constantly waiting their opportunity to attack me, and get me down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto, and create my life around the paranoia of survival, not realizing that survival isn’t worth when all I am doing with the time within which I am able to survive, is to fear for my survival, and is to fear that I won’t be able to make it through my day in one piece, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that the solution is not to fear, it’s not to try to protect myself this apparent bad, and nasty world, but it’s to let go of my need to control my future, to realize that death is unavoidable, and that I can’t live effectively if I constantly worry for my survival – but that I am only able to really live in-fact when I am clear, stable, here – without being split inside myself in constantly viewing my life through a worst case scenario in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stuck within me in a churning of thoughts around my survival, around my future, and around what might happen in my life, and what might not happen, and as such and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this fear, and this anxiety doesn’t support me, and doesn’t give life in anyway, it really just serves to keep me stuck and looping inside my mind, wherein I am in-fact missing the real life, as what is here around me in every breath as my physical reality, the physical life that is here; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and unconditionally let go of this anxiety and this fear and within this accept and allow myself to live – live meaning that I am able to be fully here and appreciate the moment here without any fear, or anxiety arising within and as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my relationship with this anxiety, exist in a obedient state of following, wherein I believe that this anxiety, and fear is a god, apparently able to predict the future, and look at things objectively and warn me about them – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that anxiety, and fear is simply a mind and mental program, and point deliberately installed into me to keep me separate from life, from living, and from being here, and walking here with and as my human physical body; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and to unconditionally let go of this anxiety and instead take the seat of being god within me – as me being the directive principle in each moment and as such that I don’t require anything else to be that god for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here when that fear arise within me, and within that see, realize, and understand that this anxiety, and fear serves no purpose within me, it holds no value within me, it’s just there as a weight that keeps me pre-occupied and lost in my mind, instead of being here living; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to make the decision to let this point go unconditionally and completely, and to realize that only I have the power to do so – and that I can wait for an entire lifetime to get rid of fear, and to get rid of anxiety – because the point that decides is me and not anyone or anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I go into this anxiety, and fear, that I am getting more things done, that I am being more productive, that I am being more effective, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that minds hastiness, and fast paced movement as being productive, as being effective, not realizing that in this mode of being I am actually not producing, or creating anything what-so-ever – all that I am doing is that I am running around in my mind trying to protect myself from what I fear and I am not here in-fact living; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push this point of accepting and allowing myself to be here – to live here – to remain here and to not exist within and as my mind; but to stick with and as the physical – and be a physical human being here and not hold unto any form of mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this anxiety and fear isn’t practical, it isn’t managing my life, it’s just there as a constant ghost urging me to move faster, to product more, to create more, and to be more, but it’s not doing, or giving me anything of substance; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor this fear, and anxiety, and to cultivate this fear and anxiety, not realizing that it’s not life – it’s in-fact a form of death, because it brings me further from the physical, further from life, further from what is real, and what is of actual importance and relevance; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take breath, and unconditionally let go of this fear, and to not anymore accept and allow my life to in anyway be controlled, directed, and dependent upon this fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all this anxiety does for me, is that I am running around in my mind, wherein I am trying to protect myself from, and save myself from situations, and events that haven’t yet occurred, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the simple common sense within all of this is that I don’t need this in order to in-fact live – it holds no real practical value, and as such it’s useless really; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto uselessness instead of working with, walking with, and cultivating that which is in-fact useful – practical – and gives an actual result as a practical physical outflow that I am able to see, measure, and physically benefit from

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into a stress, and a fear, and anxiety towards the future, towards my survival, and that I won’t be able to effectively take care for myself, and protect myself in this world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am in this moment completely limiting and withholding myself into and as energy, into and as the mind, into and as a state of unawareness wherein life really is slipping away from me, because I am not cultivating, and honoring, and supporting myself as life here; as such I commit myself to unconditionally let this fear, anxiety, and worry go – and live here fully – within the slowness, and the calmness of life as the living pace of breath, not stressing, fearing, or moving myself in anxiety – but moving myself HERE

When and as I see that I am going into a fast paced movement that is driven and motivated by anxiety, and fear, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I realize that this fast paced movement of trying to get somewhere, won’t in actuality get me anywhere, it will just have me stand still and be completely stuck in a experience of fear, a experience of anxiety, as such I commit myself to slow down – to breath and be aware of my breath and let myself smell the roses and be here – and really appreciate the physical as it exists here with me in every moment of breath

I am here – It’s done

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Day 44: Tips, or no tips?

Driving a taxi a re-occurring event is that I will receive some tips – and sometimes I receive good tips, and other times none at all – often my participation with the person do not influence them that much as whether they will give tips or not, because most have already decided and follow a already established pattern.

Now, the point I want to write about is a reaction that comes up just before the moment that I am to receive, or not to receive tips – meaning – just before the moment when the customer is to pay. When the customer stretches over, and hands me the money – this is when I tend to go into a reaction of anticipatory anxiety – or excited anxiety; and when this reaction comes up within me – I tend to react to this react in a fear of that this reaction will be seen by the customer and then they will feel uncertain, or decide to not tip me after all.

Thus – looking deeper at this point – what does it show me? It shows me an addiction to me – and that I am holding unto a slight excitement each time that I am about to receive money – as if money is some type of a drug that will give me more than what I had before.

I mean – it’s fascinating – I listened to this eqafe interview before that was done by a person that lived out his life as a homeless – and he shared his observations in relation to when he was begging, and how people reacted to that; and one point that he noticed was that human-beings tended to not want to give away their money because this was their access to “experience” so to speak – because with money – they could manifest all those vividly colored imaginations, and hopes in the mind into reality – and for a moment experience themselves empowered, strong, and satisfied.

This is what I am doing as well – and I am able to see that when I do receive tips, I have this thought come up within me that: “now I can go and take a coffee, or buy something to eat – because I won’t waste any money doing it” – I mean it’s fascinating – even if hadn’t received tips I’d still be able to go and buy a coffee, or something to eat – and I still wouldn’t have “wasted” money so to speak – because I would’ve gotten something practical, and necessary in return – such as a coffee, or something to eat.

So, I am able to see that what kicks in during these small moments of receiving tip – that is my greed, and miser-character – because I’ve noticed that I do have a tendency to be a miser when it comes to money, and feel good/safe about saving, and protecting my money – and feel uncertain, worrisome, and nervous about spending money; so when I receive those tips, or have the possibility to receive those tips – I react because then I go into my money-character – as my pre-programmed way of living as trying to protect myself through accumulating money.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as the miser-character when I am about the receive tip – as becoming excited, and experiencing anticipatory anxiety – feeling that “this is it” – now I can either enlarge my fortunes, or I can become robbed of my fortunes; and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to money – and to believe that when I save, and that when I have much money – that I am protected and allowed to feel safe, and secure – and instead of realizing, and understanding that it’s a conditional safety, and security – because as soon as my money are going – I experience myself unsafe again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a miser in relation to money – wherein I will not supply myself with points that I need, and that are effective, and useful for me to have – because I will instead think about how much money I have, how much my savings are worth, how well I will feel after I’ve purchased this product – and within this I will compromise myself because I am not looking at what I need but instead at numbers, fantasies, and ideas in my mind – that are not relevant to living here in physical reality – equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat myself with a coffee, or something to eat – when I am able to afford such a point, and when I see that I’d like such a point in a moment – I mean – what good are money when I am saving them, simply for the sake of feeling safe, because I have much savings – I mean – it’s insane; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here – and re-align money to be a practical point in my world, and reality that I utilize, and use to support myself effectively in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself lost into a state of fear, as fearing loosing money – within this becoming blind to the opportunities that are in my life – and to the possibilities that are in my life – because everything that I am thinking about is that I don’t want to loose money – while obviously – there are severely more important things to care about, and to consider in my world – than my fear of loosing money – I mean – money is meant to be used to create a effective day- to-day living – it’s not meant to be saved in some account for no purpose – I mean – that’s what you do when you expect to live for 100 of years – and only live to survive without any form of courage to make this life something extraordinary; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push through this fear – as the miser-character – and allow myself to see money as a tool and not as something mysterious that I must fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am protecting myself by protecting my money – not realizing that my money is not me – but money is merely a invention that does not need to have food, water, and effective physical care – I mean – money is a so to speak – dead object – and I am not that – as such – when I protect my money I am not protecting myself – because protecting myself would imply that I actually care about my human physical body, and about my physical surroundings – and make these the best that they can possibly be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money protects me – and that the more money I have – the safer I will be – and the more I am able to let go, express, and enjoy myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this is a faulty, and irrational idea/understanding of money – because money is not like a gun proof west that I put on – it’s merely a point that allows me to participate in this world, and reality effectively – and in some dimensions do actually support me to be safe in this world; yet – within this it must be understood that the primary point that determine my reality – as after all not money – but the human being dealing with, and using the money – which is ME; and thus – I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that thinking that money will secure my future, and my safety – is really a point of blame – and simply shoving the responsibility of my life unto money – instead of me taking responsibility for myself, and my life – and making sure that I am effective in my day-to-day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a anticipatory anxiety when I see that there is a possibility that I will get new money – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that when I receive money – my life will change – I will experience myself more fulfilled, and able to deal with this world – and I will not experience as much fear and uncertainty – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and understand that money is merely a physical object – that has nothing to do with my general movement – I mean – as to the point of – WHO I AM within and as my daily physical movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to buy a cup of coffee, or some snack outside when I am driving – thinking that this is a “unnecessary expense” – not seeing, realizing, and understanding that I’ve created a very limited definition of the word necessary – wherein I’ve in essence abused myself through thinking that “no point is necessary” – and that I am in essence able to cope with bread, and water – and that I don’t require anything more but that point of bread and water – and within this I forgive myself that have not accepted and allowed myself expand my understanding of what is necessary – to also see that it’s necessary for me to live a dignified life – meaning that I do have access to these small points of comfort – and that in a way these are necessary for an effective life; so as such – I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop my fear of spending money – and to stop my miser/saver-character – and instead realize that money is not something here to make me FEEL safe – but something that is here for me to use to support myself to live an effective daily physical life – here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am compromising myself, and not buying something that I need, and that would assist, and support me in my daily living application – because I instead want to “save the money” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that saved money are really money that aren’t used – they are money stuffed away for a rainy day and as such in essence an attempt to escape death – not understanding that death is certain – and that as such – money is to be stored away merely to have them stored away – I mean it’s cool if there is a specific purpose for the storing – such as buying a expensive product that self requires; but merely saving for the sake of saving – I mean what is that? As such I commit myself to stop saving for the sake of saving – and instead use my money when I have access to money – and that there is a point I’d like to be that would enhance me and my expression of myself in daily living

When and as I see that I am going into and as a state of anticipatory anxiety as I am about to possibly receive tips – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that money doesn’t mean anything – unless I am here effective to direct and move money in my world – as such – money is secondary – and what is of primary importance is who I am; thus reacting to the point of money is really irrational because it’s giving money more importance than what it deserves and not looking at what is of real value, and importance – which is the effectiveness of my daily application in self-honesty; as such I commit myself to focus on myself – and to place value on myself – and stop valuing money more than me living effectively breath, by breath here

When and as I see that I am reacting, and going into a state of excitement, and happiness, as I’ve received money as tips – thinking that now I can buy something nice for myself, such as a coffee, or something to eat; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – I do already have money – so why must I receive tips from someone for me to allow me to give myself a treat in the form of coffee, or something to eat? I mean it makes no sense – and it comes from this miser-character, or saving-character – as valuing the point of saving simply because it feels good – not understanding the physical implications of saving in comparison to spending – I mean – in spending money I can actually bring forth products into my reality that is of benefit to me – in saving money – I mean the money is really just laying there not being used – as such not really having a purpose what-so-ever; as such I commit myself to stop fearing spending money – and to stop judging spending money, and glorifying saving money – and instead look at the practical implications of these points – and act in such a way that the best result comes about

When and as I see that I am going into a state of excitement as I receive money, feeling that I’ve now “grown” a bit – because I’ve been given these money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I’ve not grown – I’ve not changed – the only thing that has happened is that I now hold some more money in my pockets – I mean physically nothing has changed at all – and I mean this makes it fascinating to ask – what is this excitement – is it even valid? I mean – small sum of money and I become excited – what is that about? And as such I see that I’ve placed this completely unrealistic value on money – as believing that money will in some way save me – and make safe in life – while that is absolutely not so – because at the end of the day – I stand responsible for my effectiveness in living – and as such – whether I am safe, or not – is only to a certain extent depending on money – but mostly depending on my ability, and clarify in self-direction in my day- to-day living; as such I commit myself to stop glorifying money – and I instead realize that what’s important is my daily physical movement and application of myself – one and equal as breath – that is the key to effective living – not how much money I have.

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Day 40: Continuing With Nervousness

Today I listened to the interview “Finalising Nervousness Support” – and the point that hit home with me was the nervousness is most-often caused by lack of preparation.

stressThis made me consider a few points in relation to my studies – because as I’ve shared in this blog I’ve experienced much nervousness in relation to walking my exams, and writing the final test – and this nervousness did occur this time around as well. So – when I began to considered the point that nervousness is very much related to one’s level of preparation – I realized that one dimension of my nervousness in relation to my exams might have to do with a problem with my vocabulary – and that the reason I do experience nervousness in relation to my exams is because it’s me actually showing myself that I’ve not integrated the vocabulary of the course effectively, with clarity, and specificity.

As I looked on this point – I utilized some memories from the past of when I’ve written my exam before, because by now I’ve written the term-exam 5 times already – and I compared my various study techniques, and then also looked at my experience of nervousness in relation to then at a later stage writing the exam. What I could see was that when I’d utilized the study technique of writing the information down – that was the exam that I’d experienced myself the least nervous, and also the exam on which I’d received the best results – fascinating!

This “finding” so to speak also correlates with what I’ve recently learned about “the natural learning ability” of the human being – and how we as human beings integrate information the most effectively. Writing information down is one of these physical practical points that give’s the physical body a opportunity to work with the information for real – and which also establish a more effective output – because in only reading information what one do is that one establish an ineffective input. So – I will cross-reference these points during my next term, and accordingly spend much more time writing information than I’ve done before – to see what the effect of this will be, and whether this will allow me to integrate the information more effectively.

Okay – that was what I had to share about my findings in relation to the natural learning ability, vocabulary effectiveness, and it’s influence on my experience of nervousness – though this is not the only dimension that affects my experience of nervousness. There are three words that I see play a role in my nervousness-experience – these are “unknown”, “unexpected”, “unplanned” – and these points are also much related to the experience of stress – which there is a cool interview about that you can hear here. So – in essence I will dedicate my self-forgiveness in this blog towards investigating my relationship towards these three words, and also apply commitment statements – as to how to correct my relationship with these words so that I can study in the stability, and silence of breath – and do my exams in the stability and silence of breath – with no movement within me what-so-ever.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a fear of the unknown, a fear of that which I can’t control, and can’t foresee – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into nervousness, and stress when and as I don’t have a complete control over my reality – and I do not know exactly what is going to happen in the next moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not have complete control, complete mastery over my physical reality – and that I can foresee everything that will happen in my world – that I am vulnerable to destruction, and annihilation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of the unknown, my fear of the unexpected, and my fear of the unplanned – through thinking that I am protecting myself by holding unto this fear – and that this fear helps me to be effective in living – while really – the opposite is true – because what I fear I create – which is so because in living as fear – I am not seeing, and utilizing common sense in my direct movement here – and thus the likelihood of me creating compromising situations, and moments for myself is much greater

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a fear, and anxiety towards letting go of control – and trusting myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate control to self-trust – not realizing the self-trust is not dependent upon control – because self-trust stands regardless of external stimuli movements – as self-trust is a point that is developed, and created by self – and as such not dependent upon a particular external point to move, or exist in a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, anxiety, and nervousness towards not being able to foresee whether my life will be “happy” or filled with struggles, and strife’s – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify holding unto control, and stress – and nervousness – in thinking, and believing that this increases my likelihood of experiencing a “happy” life – not seeing the simple common sense – that living within anxiety, stress, and nervous I can’t ever be in anyway “happy” – as I will constantly exist in a worry, and state of fear – that something is going to occur and happen that I do not have any form of control over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being powerless, and unable to impose change on my life, and reality – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify holding unto stress, and nervousness – thinking that when I hold unto these experiences I will at least be able to protect myself from having a situation manifest wherein I am powerless, or unable to change my reality – not realizing that stress, and nervousness are mental experiences and not a physical practical and useable skill that assists me in moving myself effectively in my life – and thus completely irrational experiences that do not help to assure my physical well-being in this world, and reality what-so-ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I fear loosing power, and loosing control – is because I’ve not allowed myself to create these words as living words of and as myself – but that I’ve allowed myself to define these words as my ability to manipulate, and control my exterior reality – not realizing that this is not power, and this is not control – it’s merely a form of physical movement bound by the laws of the physical reality – but not a actual power, and a actual control – because all the time – regardless of how “powerful” I might consider myself to be – I will always be subject to the laws of the physical world and reality – and as such I understand that real control, and real power – can only be real and actual when I stand as those points within and as me as a living expression of me – as a living statement of who I am in each and every breath – wherein I decide what and who I am – and what principle I stand and live by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I stand certain in who I am – certain in what I am – certain in why I am – there can’t be any nervousness, or stress – because these points are in essence based upon fear of death – as the fear of loosing all form of control over this external reality – and this fear can’t exist when I stand within me in such a stability, and depth of silence – that I understand that who I am can’t be moved, touched, or defined by death – as I stand as the power within me that in all-ways decide who I am – and within this that I create who I am – thus creating life from nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the experiences of stress, and nervousness – allowing myself to go into and as a state of preparation – as trying to avoid a disastrous event from taking place – and through these experiences attempting and trying to control my reality; and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the simplicity of physically controlling my exterior reality as a point of self-movement – and even though I am not able to have full control – I am able to have somewhat effective control and create this control without any form of experience such as stress, or nervous – because physically directing, and moving my reality is not about mental experiences – it’s about my effectiveness of communication – my effectiveness of physical movement – my effectiveness in social interaction with others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how stress, and nervousness literally are illusions – because – they do not produce anything of benefit – they do not assist me in stabilizing my life, and my daily living – they do not assist me in actually walking through my exams – they do not assist me in actually making sure that I have money, and financial stability – they do not in-fact do anything but exist within me as a experience – that in essence only serve to disturb me, and take my focus away from living, and moving myself in my day-to-day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the points of unexpectedness, unplanned events, and the unknown – realizing, and understand that I will never be able to have complete control over this reality – as such it’s completely unnecessary to create experiences of stress, and nervousness because I do not have that control – I mean – it’s impossible to have such a control so why continue to fight reality? As such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the actual functioning of this physical world and reality – and stop fighting it – stop resisting it – and stop trying to change it to match my inner belief, and hope of what I’d like this reality to be like

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into and as a state of stress, and nervousness – because I see that I am approaching uncharted territory – and I can’t be completely sure on the outcome of what I am taking on and walking; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – there is no reason to fear uncharted territory – I mean sure – there might come an event that is painful, uncomfortable, or even an event that leads to my death – but – that is the nature of this reality – and it’s completely stupid to fear the nature of this reality as what is here – because it doesn’t help, it doesn’t assist, and it doesn’t change this reality; as such I commit myself to embrace the functioning and movement of this reality – and work with what is here – and practically train, and practice moving myself in such a way in this reality – that I am able to avoid and direct potentially harmful, or uncomfortable experiences, and events – as such – stopping myself from relying upon fear, nervousness, and stress – and instead relying upon common sense deduction

When and as I see that I go into a state of nervousness, because I don’t know how to be, or how to move, or how to direct myself in a given situation – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – me experiencing nervousness does not assist, and support me to walk, and direct the situation – I mean – it would be far more effective for me to stop for a while – observe the situation – and develop solutions – solutions are far more effective in having actual physical positive results than nervousness; as such I commit myself to instead of going into nervousness when I face the unknown – to make the unknown known – and develop solution for me to direct, and effectively move myself within that which is now known

When and as I see that I go into stress – as fearing that I will run unto an unplanned, and unexpected event – and that I will not be able to deal with this event – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – stress merely serves to make me blind to what is here – not see what is here – and not be able to effectively process what is here – stress is like a energetic blindfold that I take on thinking that it will help me to navigate my reality – obviously that isn’t so; as such I commit myself to face the unexpected, to face the unplanned – with a straight back – and effective breathing – realizing that the only way to effectively live in this life is to live physically – breath by breath – walking actual practical solution instead of going into my mind as energetic experiences of positive, or negative

When and as I see that I am going into and as a fear of not being in control, and not having power over my world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that power, and control over this world is in essence an illusion – something that isn’t real – but merely real in my mind; as such I commit myself to live real power, and real control – which are points that I live AS ME – as me living the decision in every moment that I am life as all as one as equal – and that the principle which I stand by – and make my decisions by is what is best for all – and giving to another as I’d like to receive

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Day 33: Nervousness Dissected

Today I am going to continue to investigate my positive experiences in relation to points that I become nervous in relation towards – the reason being that – when holding unto a positive experience and projecting this unto a particular point in one’s world, the consequence will be a equal polarity opposite of a negative experience – and here this experience is nervousness.

I suggest for anyone that desire to take on this point for themselves to invest in these interviews – well worth the money!

https://eqafe.com/p/deconstructing-nervousness-atlanteans-part-89
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-atlanteans-part-90
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-part-2-atlanteans-part-91
https://eqafe.com/p/sounding-self-forgiveness-for-nervousness-atlanteans-part-92
https://eqafe.com/p/finalising-nervousness-support-atlanteans-part-93

public-speaking-fearThus – let’s see – how is it that I view myself in relation to doing my exams, and speaking in front of people? As these are two points within which nervousness arise.

1) I am able to see that I experience a sense of false calm – I feel within me that “I am good at these kinds of things – and there is no way that I can fail” – so it’s form of superiority wherein I blow myself up within myself – thinking that this experience is me – while really – my actual physical experience while really walking the point of the exams, or speaking in-front of my class – is something completely different than calm, and boastful.

2) I feel that there is a sense of hope, and excitement in relation to this point – I experience it as if I’ve a opportunity to prove myself, and go somewhere new in my life, and reality – and within this I tend to have a sort of confidence within me – wherein I state that “I can do this!” – a confidence that then fails to shows up when it is that I am actually performing the point.

3) There is a expectation within me – as a desire to perform, and show everyone that “I can do it!” – “I can be the best on this point!” – “I can really make others notice me!” – thus it’s a desire to have attention, and to be seen – and also to be courageous, self-independent, and assertive.

So – these are the positive points that I’ve attached to the promise of walking exams, or speaking in-front of a group – what I am doing here is that I am removing the illusory part of my experience as the positive so that I am able to amalgamate myself, and merge with my real experience of me while doing my exams, and public speaking assignments – because within doing that I will place myself in a position of being able to direct reality, and change myself for real.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a superior to orator, a superior people’s person – and in relation to doing public speaking, or walking my exams – go into and as a state of positive excitement – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create positive ideas of myself in relation to walking in pressure situations, and doing public speaking – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be honest with myself in seeing that I do not actually feel, and experience myself positive while walking these events – and that my idea of myself in my mind – as how I’d like to be – is not in-fact how it is that I exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as, and create an idea of myself as being able to be calm, directive, and effective when walking tests in school, and when doing public speaking assignments – so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach situations with this false idea, and experience myself – and then go into panic, and self-judgment when it is that this idea, and false experience of myself as I do perform the public speaking, or the exam – immediately disappear and is replaced by nervousness in it’s nth degree

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that it’s ludicrous to think that the idea, and experience that the mind presents within me – as to how I would apparently experience myself while walking a test, and walking a exam – is real, is valid – and would be my actual physical experience of myself while walking the point for real – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back to the physical here – and work with, and walk with that which is real – that which is physical – that which is actual – that which is here and that I am able to see is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind more than what is here – more than common sense – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I hear about, and realize that there is a exam, or public speaking event coming up – to go into excitement, imagining how effective I’ll be in the point – and how well I will walk the point – creating a entire alternative reality within myself – where it is that I am not HERE – and I am not working with, and walking with and as reality – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to the physical – back to breath and instead of creating an experience of myself – to remain physical – remain as breath – remain as walking here in each and every moment and as such stand within and as – and be present here with and as reality and end all the delusion of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that just because I experience myself as positive towards a particular upcoming event – wherein I will face the point of the unknown – to believe that this is, and will be my actual physical experience of myself while facing, and walking the point of the unknown – and as such – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can’t trust my mind – that even though the mind presents a pretty picture to me – and happy, positive experiences – that this can’t in anyway show to me what is real – what is actual – and what trustworthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back to what is real – and to as such not participate in any form of experience in relation to walking the point of facing the unknown – to as such not create any point of conflict within me – and to not create any bubbles within me as an idea of myself that must be burst

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that it’s obvious common sense that simply because I experience a point as being positive – doesn’t mean that the actuality of the point is positive – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop any expectations, and experiences within myself in relation to facing the unknown – and instead walk with and direct myself in oneness and equality here as I face the unknown – to as such not create any ideas, and experience of facing the unknown – but walking the point directly – physically – here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, and formulate and idea of myself as who I am in relation to me facing a point that is unknown – is thinking that I would be strong, I would be steadfast – and I would simply walk through the point without any fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with, and work with reality – because the reality of the situation is that when I face the unknown I become nervous, fearful, and experience anxiety – and I feel inferiority – as such this is what I must work with – not create more illusions within my mind – trying to create, and formulate a picture, fantasy, idea of myself – I mean what is the use of that? I need to work with myself – and I need to correct myself and I can only do that through being here in reality – and moving without judgment with and as that, which is actually here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I create a ideal me – as an idea of myself as who I want to be in my mind – I am going to create, and manifest a conflict within me – wherein the conflict will be me thinking that I am the ideal me – and being in conflict with the reality of who I am – as my physical and actual experience of myself in every moment of breath – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop creating ideal perceptions of myself in my mind – and instead commit myself to stick with reality – to stick with breath – to realize that thought can’t be trusted and that I must remain present and aware in every moment in order to be able to not fuck myself in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in conflict with myself – wherein I think that I should be fearless, and I should be assertive when I face the unknown – yet when I do face the unknown I go into nervousness, and fear – and in my mind I can’t comprehend, and understand this when it is that I’ve this belief in my mind saying that I should be assertive, and fearless – and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn the simple lesson, and to understand the simple point that – the mind can’t be trusted – the mind isn’t real – that mind is not physical it’s simply a interdimensional system that works by laws, and considerations that are not physical in nature – as such it’s simply ludicrous to consider the mind when moving myself in and as this physical reality – by the physical laws that this world, and reality consist of and as

Self –commitment statements

When it is that I see I am participating in an experience, and idea of myself as being effective, and strong, fearless, and assertive when it is that I am walking in a pressure situation – facing the unknown – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I can’t trust the mind reality – and obviously the mind reality as what I imagine in my mind me to be is not real – thus I am polarizing myself through separating myself from the real experience of me through creating a alternate reality of the false ideal experience of me; as such I commit myself to stop this alternate reality – and instead face the real, and actual truth of me – and correct, and re-align this truth of and as me

When it is that I am going into and as my idea of myself as being effective, as being fearless – and I go into and as excitement, and a state of superiority as feeling that – I am going to face, and walk through and completely ace this particular assignment, or exam – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that my experience of myself leading up to the exam – is not real – it’s a idea – a inflated ego idea that I have of myself that is only serving to through friction generate further negative experiences of myself in relation to facing myself in a pressure situation – facing the unknown; as such I commit myself to not participate in any experience of who, and what I am going to be in a moment of walking my exams, or doing public speaking – but to remain present – here – equal and one with and as my human physical body

When it is that I see I am going into a particular experience of myself – as feeling positive, and feeling invulnerable and is if I am able to do anything what-so-ever without anyone being able to stop – in relation to me doing my exams, or doing public speaking in school – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that whatever I feel – it’s not real – whatever I think – it’s not real – what is real is here with and my human physical body – and thus I must deal with – transcend – and move through reality – and correct what is actually here before I am able to in-fact express myself as a effective human being here within and as the physical as breath

When and as I see that I am going into my mind – using my mind to think about future events and who, what, and how I am going to live, and participate within and as these events – and I within this feel superior, excited, and more than – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that regardless of what occurs in my mind – regardless of how real it looks, or feels, or regardless of how much it speaks to me – it’s not real – it’s an idea in my mind proven by the fact that I can’t live the point physically here; as such I commit myself to bring myself back HERE – and to live physically HERE – to stand physically HERE – and to as such not be possessed or controlled – or in anyway defined by and as my mind

When it is that I see I am using my mind to discern – understand – and comprehend reality – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath, and bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I must by now have proven to myself – that the mind can’t be trusted – the mind is a fantasy machine and nothing more – as such I commit myself to practice in all ways always walk in practical reality as breath here – and not give into the temptations of the mind

I commit myself to walk with reality – and to deal with my actual physical experience, and expression of myself while facing the unknown – facing a pressure situation – and as such align myself with the physical instead of being caught in my mind as experience

When it is that I think, and believe that a positive experience – implies a positive reality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that simply because a experience is positive – does not give me confirmation in anyway that reality is positive – and that the actual point is sorted and walked through – I mean it’s obvious common sense that the mind as a fantasy machine is not in touch with reality – and doesn’t function in such a way that it is to show me what is reality; as such I commit myself to not trust that a positive experience describes the state of a point – a positive experience is merely a positive experience – nothing more, and nothing less

When it is that I see I am creating an idea within myself, and a experience – that I would be strong, steadfast, assertive, and effective in walking through a uncertain point – a point wherein I would face the unknown – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t trust what goes on within me as my mind – and regardless – what I am doing in my mind instead of simply walking through the point here? I mean – will I be able to walk through the point more effectively through being in my mind more? No – obviously not – and as such I commit myself to stick with reality – to make this my MAIN priority – to be here in every moment and not let my mind take me on joy ride into the fantasies of self-interest that exist within my mind

When it is that I am creating a ideal me, and I see that I am within this polarizing myself in relation to reality – creating on the one hand an idea of myself as an ideal me – and on the other hand suppressing the real me – as the actual physical experience of me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that creating, and forming these types of relationships in my mind results only in that I do not change the actual me – because I am busy believing that I am the fantasy ideal me that I can see in my mind – while that is not in-fact so; as such I commit myself to apply, and perfect the simple point of being HERE in reality – of breathing here – and working with what is here – it’s that simple

When and as I see that I go into a experience within my mind – thinking that I should be fearless, strong, without hesitation, and assertive – when I face the unknown as doing an exam, or walking public speaking – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t trust – and I can’t align myself with this fantasy – because as I can see when I do in-fact walk a point of the unknown – this mind-experience is not in-fact real – and it’s not me that I am seeing in my mind only a projection as a hope; as such I commit myself to remove any and all mind-delusions as experiences of who I think that I am – and instead I commit myself to live here – and be the best that I can possibly be in every moment of breath – to as such from the mind and into reality

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Day 32: I Am Really Good – Just Not This Time!

I am continuing on the subject of nervousness in relation to school. After the last time I wrote here I’ve done my exams, and within doing that I went into lots of nervousness – despite the fact that I’ve worked so rigorously with the point. Within this I realized that I am not yet getting to the origin point – the problem so to speak – and that I’ve yet to find the dysfunction within me that creates this pattern of nervousness.

Thus – I’ve in order to familiarize myself more with nervousness as an experience bought some interviews from Eqafe that are giving a perspective on nervousness, and also suggesting a step-by-step solution as how to transcend and move through nervousness.

Now – in these interviews the nervousness that is being expanded upon, and explained is in relation to talking to lot’s of people – standing before a crowd – the nervousness I experience comes up in a different setting yet the symbolism of the events are the same. Because when I sit and write my exam I face the same point of a evaluating crowd – because the exam I write will be reviewed by professors, and it will gain me a particular mark – and this will then possibly be seen by future employees, my family, and so on – thus – I am not just writing a test but I am actually indirectly standing before the unknown as that which I am not able to calculate, and control – just as with standing before a crowd.

Thus – I will utilize the same step-by-step method in order to take apart my nervousness here as is suggested in relation to nervousness that comes up when facing crowds.

Unfortunately I can’t reveal the exact nature of the step-by-step nature – as it’s a product that is sold at the eqafe store – thus if you want to find out exactly how to do this that I am going to do in the coming blogs, you’ll have to purchase the interviews for yourself. What I am going to share here is the self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, and the self-writing – but I am not going to go into detail as to the nature of the method that I am working by.

Still – anyone reading this and that are struggling with nervousness of a similar nature can utilize these writings as a support structure, and then if you want to further your understanding, and application of yourself in relation to this point – I suggest to you invest in these interviews:

https://eqafe.com/p/deconstructing-nervousness-atlanteans-part-89
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-atlanteans-part-90
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-part-2-atlanteans-part-91
https://eqafe.com/p/sounding-self-forgiveness-for-nervousness-atlanteans-part-92
https://eqafe.com/p/finalising-nervousness-support-atlanteans-part-93

Self-writing

I am going to begin with opening up how it is that I see myself before I make an exam – what is it that I think of myself? And it’s fascinating – because I see that I have a positive excitement experience towards the prospect of writing my exams; I will have thoughts of the nature such as “yeah! I know I am good at writing exams!” – “This time I will be much more calm, and relaxed than the last time!” – “If I just study enough for this exam everything will go smoothly!” – “I am smart, so I know that nothing can go wrong really!”.

So – what I am doing here is that I am creating a positive self-image of myself in relation to my test – that fascinatingly enough – isn’t real – which results in me becoming disappointed with myself, and feeling like a failure – when it is that I sit down to do my exams and up comes lot’s of nervousness, and anxiety. The first thing I got to do is as such to remove all these positive ideas I have of myself – because they are really just that – ideas and not a real living statement as who I am.

Self-forgiveness

children examI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive idea of myself in relation to me doing my exams – wherein I imagine within me that I have an easy time doing exams, that I usually tend to be cool, and calm – and that I tend to be effective in writing my exams – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the reality of how I experience myself – which is that I tend to become very nervous, I tend to doubt myself, and I tend to fear what might, or might not happen when it is that I sit down to write my exams

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself in seeing, realizing, and understanding that I tend to hold unto fear of the unknown, and fear of failure to a large extent – and that as such – my experience with writing my exams are really uncomfortable, and not very pleasurable, or calm at all – a complete contradiction to who I believe myself to be in my mind – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove and form of positive experience, and idea of myself in relation to writing my exams – and as such instead work with what is real – and how I actually experience myself in writing my tests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine within myself before writing a test – that everything will go great, and within this feel a slight tinge of superiority – as feeling that “hey! I am awesome at writing exams – this will be fun!” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this positive – energy – accumulation in relation to writing my test isn’t real – but is a mechanism of suppression that I utilize in order to not have to face the real me – as the real experience of myself within and as me writing my exams

Self-commitments

When it is that I go into and as a experience of excitement, superiority, and positive projection towards the future as writing my exams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this positive experience that I am having in relation to writing my exams – it isn’t real – but merely a suppression mechanism that I use so that I won’t have to face, and deal with the real experience of me while writing my exams – which is fear, and nervousness; as such I commit myself to breath and to not create any idea of myself – to not picture myself in my mind as being good at writing my test – but instead stay with the physical – stay here – and not go into energy as excitement, or superiority

When it is that I see I am becoming disappointed with myself when I write my exams, because I’ve become nervous, and filled with anxiety, even though I imagined myself within my mind that I wouldn’t experience myself in this way – and that I instead would be stable, calm, and easily write my exams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing to become disappointed in – because my initial dreams of myself weren’t even real but based upon illusion as participating in the mind reality instead of living here; as such I commit myself to bring me back to what is actually here as me in the moment – and not have any expectations, and ideas of myself that I can’t cross-reference and confirm to be real in the physical – in this moment here

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Self-imageWikipedia: A person’s self-image is the mental picture, generally of a kind that is quite resistant to change, that depicts not only details that are potentially available to objective investigation by others (height, weight, hair color, gender, I.Q. score, etc.), but also items that have been learned by that person about himself or herself, either from personal experiences or by internalizing the judgments of others.

Day 30: Test-anxiety – One Day To Go (Part 17)

pg-reader-tips-for-quitting-14-fullOkay – it’s now one day left until I am about to write my test – and today some nervousness have come up within me – and I find that this nervousness stems from a disbelief in myself – a sort of doubt that comes up where thoughts arise as questions: “what if you’re going to forget that?” – “what if a question you do not know is going to come?”

On top of this I’ve noticed a form of self-judgment – thoughts of the nature as: “you never do well under pressure” – “you know that you’re going to fail anyway” – “it’s too hard for you – you won’t make it!” – though this is not really self-judgment it’s more of a way that I prepare myself for eventual failure, wherein I set myself within myself for the worst so that I will be able to “take the hit” when it comes.

I’ve found it interesting to write about this point – because what I’ve seen is that this type of nervousness, and fear – it completely separates me from the whole, and from the rest of this existence – I mean – when I exist in this state of petrification – do I care, or consider anyone else but myself and my life? My self-interest? No – there is only me that exist and the experience that I am having.

Within this I’ve also considered how many human-beings that face the same type of situation in every moment – how many face the same point of nervousness, fear, and anxiety – but their worry is in relation to their life, and their future – and their self-interest – and as such – we all are isolated into our own bubbles of self-interest where we only see what’s important to ourselves and miss to consider that there is an entire world here with millions of beings – that are being disregarded, and shunned – when we only care for ourselves.

Another aspect that I’ve found interesting to consider is time – and I’ve looked here at the point of human-history – and how through out the ages billions upon billions of people have been in the same position that I am in today – at the point of a test, or a challenge – something that will in a way determine one’s future – and all of these human-beings have existed in the same fear, petrification and nervousness – and even though they might’ve managed to succeed – still time got to them and today their efforts, and their success is nothing but memories, or simply have forever been forgotten – slowly  broken down by the tooth of time.

So – it’s interesting – when placing my fear, nervous, and anxiety in this existential perspective – it’s really meaningless, and fear, nervous, and anxiety is completely pointless – instead – what is of worth, and what is of importance – it’s the points that are eternal – and that will stand the test of time – and that won’t decay and become but a memory – and that eternal point is life. And life is not mine alone to claim – LIFE is here as everyone, and everything – thus making a contribution that is going to stand the test of time – is a contribution that is equally applicable and useful for all beings that exist in this world – it’s movement, and decision that is not festered with self-interest – but that is a practical support that will be able to be utilized by beings into eternity – that is a point that is not a memory – it’s real living statement.

And what of myself is it that stands with this eternal point? Well – it’s my presence – my WHO I AM – that is something I will be able to take with me – and spread as an example – and within this have real effect – showing what it means to live – showing common sense – and influencing this world to become a heaven – as such not wanting to have a memory of myself to remain in the minds of men – but instead leaving a world behind that have no flaws – and as such each human being that comes here will be able to live a life of fulfillment – that is a real life contribution – and something that I walk within applying myself in my DIP courses, spreading the Desteni message, and showing how a new world can be created through implementing a equal money system.

Thus – a word that I see I must live is perspective – being able to see my life, and my position in this world not from the perspective of self-interest – but from the perspective of life – as seeing that my life is only important, and valuable – when it is that I honor life – and stand equal and one to and as life – as all and everyone – because then I stand by something that is real, eternal, and substantial – and not by a memory – as self-interest.

What I must do to get to this point of standing objective – and not seeing myself as more valuable than another – is to remove all of the emotional garbage that I’ve created through my years of living on this earth – as it only serves to blind me from seeing the truth of what is here – that my life is equally important, and valuable as everyone else’s – and that I have no right to think of myself as being more important – and make decision that dishonor and compromise the whole.

Each and every thought is a wall that contains me from seeing the true nature of life and living – and each thought is a lie that proposes that only what goes on in my head, in my life, in my immediate surroundings, is important – while really – there is SO MUCH MORE than my thoughts, and my experiences – and my so called “life” – and it’s this real world that I decide to enter and become a part of – and that I am going to do through walking my journey to life process for the next seven years – and bring myself back to nothingness where there is no self-importance.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with my life and loose my perspective, in thinking and believing that only my life – my experiences – my challenges – my dreams – my hopes – are valuable and that I deserve to live out my life as I please and not care about anything, or anyone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this way of looking at myself – and looking at my world is the way of self-interest – and it’s through this type of living that this world has become what it is today – a desolate world where war, and destruction rules – because people are competing to win – instead of living what is best for all – and giving to another as they’d like to receive themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how it takes courage, and it takes dedication, and discipline to let go of self-interest – as it is everything that I’ve become – I mean before I found desteni there wasn’t even a thought about considering the whole – I even regarded is as impossible, and preposterous to live in such a way – and as such when I stand here and apply myself in changing my living-perspective – I am accordingly facing resistances, and difficulties – because I am in-fact changing the very constitution of my beingness – and developing a completely new way of living – creating a new program code that haven’t ever been invented, or even known to have existed before; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any point of experience, any point of thought, any point of movement within – is it’s essence self-interest and only serves to separate me from the whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how meaningless it is to fear, and experience anxiety towards my test tomorrow – and how in the end – what results I will achieve on this test will mean nothing – because it will be evaporated, and removed in the tides of time – and that what will mean something – what will be of value – is WHO I AM within taking this test – because that WHO I AM is something that remains with me – the grade I receive – that will disappear – yet – the WHO I AM – that will remain – thus walking my test in stability – walking my test in dedication – walking my studies as commitment – doing my test here applying myself within and as the word of concentration, focus, and determination – that are points that will stand the test of time as they are with me – as me – and as such is not only a memory that will disappear at death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my perspective – from developing memories – to instead developing myself – to changing my starting point of walking in this world – from walking to acquire, and win – and achieve external points of success – to instead walk each point that I face within and as self-success – meaning to utilize the points that open in my world and reality in order to develop, and create myself as words – for example with studying for this test – the words I’ve applied as myself have been discipline – consideration – patience – commitment – diligence – effort – will-power – and that I’ve as such used this point in order to enhance, and develop my relationship with myself – which is how I should walk all points that emerge in my world – and as such stop focusing on how others see me, and grade me – and instead give attention focus unto WHO I AM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it’s not worth it to go into nervousness, and anxiety in relation to do my tests – because – I’ve prepared myself to the best of my ability – I’ve everything I could with the resources at my disposal – and I’ve really pushed myself to learn, integrate, and understand the course-information – my work is as such complete and who I am within my work have been satisfactory – thus the test is merely the end of this particular point and it’s not the important point – because I’ve already walked the important point – which has been my preparation for the test – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relax – breathe – and simply let go of fear – in seeing that now the preparation is complete – and what is left is simply going to my exams and doing it – and applying the information – and that this won’t go better if I fear – because the practical preparation is already completed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that – in a way – my fate is already decided in relation to my exam, and in relation to what grade I will receive; and this fate I’ve myself created as me studying for this test – as such the grade of my exam is merely the consequence of my application – as such I am to go to the exams and simply share my accumulated time – as time I’ve spent studying – and show to the school that I’ve studied the information – and integrated the information – and that my ability to share this integrated information will not become more if I go into fear – I mean fear won’t change what is here as how I’ve studied and how I’ve integrated the information – everything is already set and it’s now to simply walk into the point – and take the point to it’s completion

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that thinking that the final test is a epitome – and “the most important point” in a course – is a faulty assumption – because one’s ability to achieve at the test will be equal to how much effort, and dedication one have put into studying – and walking the course – and accumulated information – and as such the test is not a epitome – but merely another point in the process of integrating, and accumulating the information – as such there is no reason to fear a test – thinking that fear will in anyway change the outcome of one’s ability doing the test – because that is already – by oneself – pre-determined, and pre-decided – that is how the physical function as a reality of consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let myself do the test when I do the test – and when I do not do the test – not have test in anyway exist within me as a fear, projection, or a experience – but simply walk HERE – and participate with what is physically here in every breath – as such being HERE in this breath writing this blog – not having a single thought, or consideration towards the test I will do at the more – obviously knowing that I will do the test at a particular time – having it in my awareness so to speak – yet not in anyway allowing that knowledge to destabilize me – and have my change my breath-by-breath physical movement here – but that I remain the same – remain constant – remain here – and I walk in every moment being the same regardless of what points I am to walk through in the future

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into fear, anxiety, and nervousness in relation to doing my test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear won’t enhance my memory, and my ability to complete the test – as such my performance is already pre-decided by my study-application before the test – and as such – how the test will go will in a way simply be a consequence of my day-to-day living as how I’ve walked the course up to this point of doing the test – and how well, and how effectively I’ve been able to integrate the information; as such I commit myself to stop fear – and simply walk the physical act of writing the test – of getting it done – forgiving thought coming up – and simply being physical here – realizing that being physical is superior as everything is simply HERE with no fear – as such doing the test – will be like me getting up in the morning – a practical point of movement here – nothing more, and nothing less

When and as I see that I am giving more value to doing this test, and to this particular point achieving in my exam – than other points of world, and my reality – than other parts of my life, and living – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that no one point is more important than another in terms of seeing my life as a whole – because my life is multi-dimensional and my functionality within my life is dependent upon me being present, aware, and directive – effective – in all parts of my life – and as such it’s completely ludicrous to give attention, and focus to only one point and disregard everything that is here; as such I commit myself to be HERE as breath in every moment – which is the practical application of giving all moments in my life equal attention – and equal value – not seeing one moment, as more or less than another moment

When and as I see that I am going into fear, anxiety, and nervousness in relation to doing my test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I accept and allow myself to expand my perspective – to see this test that I am doing from a greater, and existential perspective – in seeing how much value I am giving to this point and that it’s really completely unrealistic – and completely stupid – because within doing that – there is SO MUCH that I am missing here; as such I commit myself to be HERE in every moment – HERE in every moment – remaining with existence – as all that is here – not going into my personal mind space as my own thoughts, and experiences – but remaining with the physical – which is the point where everything exists – here

I commit myself to as a practical application to stop fear, nervous, and anxiety – practice breathing deeply in and out – practice observing, and being aware of my direct environment – seeing that there are more life’s than mine – seeing that there is more going on in existence than me doing this test – and that this test is not everything as my mind would like it to seem – because there is so much more here going on in every moment – but I require to open my eyes, and be present to actually see and recognize

I commit myself to dare to let go of self-interest – walking this practically through being here as breath – which is a point of no self-interest – as only this moment exist – as a moment wherein there is not personal self – but only self-expression – one and equal – as a movement with and as the whole – and not as a personal experience of energy trying to move in separation, and conflict with the whole; as such commit myself to practice moving myself with and as the whole here – wherein I stand and walk as a extension of life as the natural flow – and movement – of the moment

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Day 26: Test-anxiety – The Results Are Back! (Part 15)

test resultsContinuing with test anxiety. Today I got back some results on a paper that I’d written, and I reacted in anxiety, fear, and nervousness – and as I opened the document to look at my results my heart began to race, and I felt that the blood in my body was pumping around much faster – revealing that I was within that moment possessed in fear.

What I realized was that this fear experience didn’t happen in that moment – it’s an outflow of many moments, many thoughts, and my fantasies – that I’ve then accumulated in my mind – and then this dammed energy comes up in one moment as they are triggered by an event. Thus – what I am going to do here in this blog-post is to locate exactly what I’ve thought, and fantasized about in order bring about this particular fear.

Firstly – I see that I’ve for some days excitedly been awaiting the results, and I’ve acted this point out through going unto the web each day, and looking if the results had arrived – and this was actually one of my first thoughts as I wake up this day – to go and check my student-login and find out if the results had arrived – thus what I am able to see is that this particular pattern presents a hope, and a desire – which means that I desired a good result – and due to this I also created the polarity opposite of desire which is fear.

In looking at what desire that lies behind my reaction – I am able to see that it’s not really a desire for a better life, it’s not a desire for material possessions as in getting a good job later, due to having received very good grades in school – the desire is instead in relation to my name, my standing, and my idea of myself as who I am in this world – and I’ve defined myself to be a “intelligent person” – and thus my desire is to keep, and retain this idea of myself – and to be able to feel, and define myself as superior around other people because I’ve received “the best grade”.

Thus – I find it interesting – that the fear I experience is not even a fear that is in relation to MY LIFE so to speak – meaning – that the fear is really about what I’d like others to feel, and think about me – which is fucked up – as it implies that I am living, studying, and breathing to have others see me as I’d like them to see me – instead of me living my life for myself and not worrying about what others might, or might not think about me.

In a way – me getting a good grade on my studies is a way to suppress inferiority, and a state of social angst around people – because when I get a good grade I am able to take that point, define myself as it, and then feel slightly more comfortable with myself – because apparently this point of success make me become slightly more worthy than I was before.

Thus – the key points as living solutions is to live for myself – meaning – to make decisions without worrying what others are going to think about me – and to also – accept myself – and stop looking for others to accept, validate, and recognize myself – thus giving what I desire to myself and not anymore searching for it out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a intelligent, and intellectual human being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in, and feel superior to others – due to me feeling that I am more intellectual than others – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this definition, and idea of myself to survive in this world – to survive in social interactions – and to assert myself in fear that if I stand as myself – and simply breath – I will loose myself and not survive in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize an idea of myself – as me being effective, and good in school – in order to create a definition of myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling to this definition, and idea of myself – and to think that this definition is who I am – and that I must at any cost uphold this definition – because apparently – if I do not uphold this definition of myself – I will cease to exist – and I will not anymore be of any use in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that self-definitions are limited – and that self-definitions are based in fear – the fear of being limitless and without any form of self-created jail – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable, and take a liking to my self-created jail – as the definition of myself – that I am good in school, that I am intelligent, and that I am intellectual – thinking that this idea, and definition of myself protects in my world – and makes me safe – instead of accepting, and allowing myself to see – realize, and understand – that this definition isn’t real – but merely some memories that I’ve put together within myself – and used to designed a Frankenstein – a dead beingness put together with dead memories – thinking that this is who I am – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without confirming this idea of myself as being good in school, effective, and intellectual – that I will not anymore be able to live, and exist in this world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself so completely that I believe that I need a thought – and a memory to exist – not realizing that I have the proof here in every breath that I don’t require a thought – and that I don’t require a memory to live, and to express myself – but that what I require is ME to be HERE with me and not lost in my mind and all crap that comes up in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with and as fear, and anxiety of loosing my idea of myself as being something special – which is really what it’s all about – that I want to be special, and that I use my education as a way to fuel this idea of myself, and definition of myself that I am special – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted, and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that desiring to be special – and thinking that I am special – is a jail that I’ve designed for myself – a trap – and a complete stop – wherein I am not anymore allowing myself to expand, and to move myself out from a state of fear – and into my flesh – and into real physical – breath by breath living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to let go of my self-definition of myself as having a special purpose in this life – and of the definition of myself as being a winner – and as being something more than average – because I see that this very definition of me is limitation – and even though it feels good to think that I am special, and a winner – what hides behind everything is fear – is the fear of being looked at by others as useless, and worthless – and as less than – and thus the search for specialness – reveals to me that I’ve not yet accepted myself – and decided to love myself regardless of where I am in this world – or who I am in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understanding that searching to be special – and searching to be a winner is in-fact self-hatred – and self-bullying – wherein I am implying that I am not good enough before I’ve managed to show to myself that I am a winner – and that I deserve my love – and that I deserve my acceptance of myself – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to say – enough is enough – now I will stop this inner rat race and finally accept myself – and allow myself to loose – because the beauty of loosing is that I can then focus upon being with myself – and letting myself live – because that is the problem with trying to win – that in doing that I’m missing out on life and living

When and as I see that I am defining myself as being special, and as a winner – and I seek to uphold, and assert this idea of myself through getting good grades in school – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t need to feel special, and that I don’t need to think that I am a winner – and I don’t need a definition of myself what-so-ever in order to be here – and love me – and accept me; as such I commit myself to let go of the hunt for specialness – and to let go of my definition of myself as being more than average – and instead allow myself to love myself – and accept myself – and enjoy living instead of searching for the win

When and as I see that I am going into a state of hastiness – as trying to “get there” because over “there” I’ll apparently be able to assert my definition of myself as being the best – and being special – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to BE HERE – with myself – and live here – to stop trying to get there – as I see that there is the biggest lie, and illusion that have ever been promulgated in this world – as it implies that I can only be fulfilled and whole in the future – when the only point that is real and actual is HERE as this moment in this very breath

When and as I see that I am going into a state of survival – as using memories within me to substantiate an idea of myself that I am special, unique, and a winner – intellectual, and intelligent – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – memories are not alive – memories do not show me who I am – memories are in-fact lies of the past imposing themselves to be me – while the fact of the situation is that I am HERE – and that I am not a memory – but that I am a living being able to make decisions and move myself by common sense here – and as such not in need of a memory-character to tell me who I am; as such I commit myself to live without a character – and without memories – and without a definition of myself – and push myself to stand bare as breath – as a new born baby in every moment of breath HERE

PossessionDemonic possession, psychokinetic control of a person by the Devil or other malevolent spirit

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Day 24: Test-anxiety – Self-Punishment (Part 13)

selfpunishmentHow do I get things done when I study? How do I get myself to sit down to study? Well – mostly I will experience a sense of anxiety, and nervousness – and I will then start to talk in my head about what is bad about me if I do not sit down and study – and as such I will generate a form of conflict within me, and then from within that move myself to actually go and study – thus what I am doing is that I am moving myself through self-punishment, and through the utilization of fear.

This is how governments motivate, and move their people – they utilize the fear of eventual punishment – which could be fear of lacking money, or fear of going to prison – and then these produce movement in society to get particular points sorted out and dealt with.

But isn’t there another way? How come I require fear to move myself? What I’ve realized is that fear is a substitute for principled living. In principled living one do not need fear – because one UNDERSTAND and COMPREHEND what it is one is doing, and why – as such – taking this back to myself – I would not require fear to go and do my studies because I’d be clear on why I do them, and also be clear on the fact that I don’t require fear to move myself to go and do my studies, because it’s simply a decision that I make in a moment here.

Thus – fear is the lazy man’s alternative to developing the ability to live by and as principles, and a understanding – as such I will deal with and correct this particular point and change my way of moving myself to study from fear to being a principle – meaning – that I understand why I study, I know what the consequences will be if I don’t – and then I move myself to produce a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need fear in order to motivate, and move myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of fear – in fear that I won’t anymore move, or direct myself – but that I will come to a stand still in my world and that nothing will happen anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is good for me – and that fear helps me to take care of myself in my world, and make my life easier, and more comfortable – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear more than myself – and to believe that fear is something I need in order to function, and know how to deal with, and how to walk, and behave in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself to move myself – and to fear letting go of this self-punishment character – in fear that I won’t do anything if I let go of this point – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself – and to not realize that I am able to move, and direct myself in this world – and do so by and through principled living – do so by clear understanding – and within this I won’t need any fear, or anxiety – I won’t need any form of experience – because I simply see what is required to be done and then I move and direct myself to get it done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am better when I punish myself – that I move myself more effectively, and that I get more things done – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of self-punishment – and believe that in letting go of self-punishment I am going to loose some very important part of myself that is required for me to be able to function in this world effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become used to, and accept myself giving me direction – and guiding myself in this world by the use of fear, anxiety – and inferiority – as threats that I direct towards myself to get myself going – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to develop self-movement, and self-discipline – seeing that I don’t require fear, or punishment to move myself – it’s simply a decision as to who I am – and then a doing – as moving myself in the direction where I see that I have to go – and it’s as simple as that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself that I would take care of myself, and that I would take care of my life – if I’d fully, and completely let go of all fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have fear in order to feel any sense of responsibility and commitment towards my life – thinking that with no fear I will just give up upon everything and remove myself from my life – and go and sleep all day long because I simply don’t care – instead of realizing, seeing, and understanding that I don’t require fear to care – and to love – and to be passionate about my day to day living within and as this world

When and as I see that I am using fear, and self-punishment to move myself to get things done – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t require self-punishment to get things done – I don’t require fear to get things done – I require me deciding and living my decision here; as such I commit myself to develop myself as principled living – living by understanding, and decisions that I make and not by fear, and self-punishment

I commit myself to stop trusting fear – to stop giving attention to fear – to stop believing that fear will care for me – that fear will protect me – and that fear is a necessary part of my life; and I instead commit myself to birth myself here and stop fear – and instead make decisions, and move myself by and through understanding, and living principled here

I commit myself to stop distrusting myself, to stop believing that I am not able to live without fear – and that I would without fear simply give up upon my life – and all my responsibilities – and within this I commit myself to understand that I am able to decide and will myself to live – what I require, and see that is best for me to live and participate within – thus fear is completely not needed

When and as I see that I am using fear to get me to go and study, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – fear is limitation – fear is stupidity – and fear is simply not reasonable in anyway – it’s simply a paranoia – something that isn’t meant to exist in this world what so ever – as such I commit myself to move myself to do my studies by and through a decision – as in understanding the outflows of my decisions – and then moving myself to produce the outflow that I want to have in my world – and that I see is best for all

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Listening To My Body

For quite some time I’ve been bothered by lower back pain, which now have forced me to take action. I’ve as such decided to practice the fitness discipline of Pilates in order to support my body.

In order to go through with my plan I bought a monthly subscription in a nearby Pilates institute and I began my training the very same day. Now, this was a couple of days ago, and since then I’ve been going to the institute each day in order to train Pilates.

Yesterday as I came home from a Pilates session I experienced a extreme pain in my lower back which sustained itself for the entire evening, and on top of this I got a fever. So, I spent the rest of my day laying in the bed, and the couch, experiencing intense and uncomfortable pain.

Now, what I’ve realized in regards to this entire play-out is the following:

That I must learn to listen to my body and what it’s telling me. The reason I accumulated myself into and as severe back pain was because I practiced Pilates as the instructors of the Pilates institute told me, instead of me listening to what my body told me.

Thus – I overdid the exercises and I pushed myself above my limits, because my instructor told me to do so, instead of me taking it easy with myself, allowing my body to ease into the movements of Pilates.

I listened to my instructors more than to my own body because I thought of my instructors as authorities, and that they would know how much I should do and how hard I should push myself. Believing that because they have university educations, and much experience of Pilates, as well as the anatomy of the human physical body, that they know more than what I do, about how I experience myself as my human physical body, while obviously they don’t.

What I’ve realized is that no matter what type of thing that I practice, that I learn from others, that it’s absolutely stupid to take others as an authority upon the subject while regarding my direct experience of what I’m doing as irrelevant. Such an application of myself will lead me down the path of self-compromise, and this showed itself to me through the severe back pain I manifested. That was me compromising my insight and seeing of myself as the physical, giving into the belief that knowledge holds a higher value than direct experience.

The solution is for me to listen to my body at all times and never take another’s word as truth without practically testing it out for myself. Making sure that I don’t do something only because another have told me that it’s that way to do it, because I do know what’s good for me, and what’s bad for me, if I simply allow me to listen to what my body is telling me.

Further I realize that I can’t support myself effectively through comparing myself with others, as how others are pushing themselves in regards to the Pilates exercises, as each body is unique and requires a different approach. It’s exactly the same with process, where all walking different points, all with a different history, and as such my process can’t be compared to another’s, and there is no one right way to do things – instead I have to develop to skills of listening to myself, wherein I see what would support me, and then I do that – regardless of what others might do or say.

So, in essence the solution is self-honesty, to not be swayed in my decisions by external factors, even though they have a university education, or a respected position in the system. But to instead trust myself as the simplicity of common sense – that if my body hurt when I do an exercise, this is my body signalling to me that such an exercise should be done carefully and gently. Not pushed and forced just because others are able to do it.