Tag Archives: outcast

Day 274: Getting Out Into The System

office-partyIn my process of birthing myself as life from the physical I have had the tendency of isolating myself from the rest of the world. I have always thoroughly enjoyed my own company, and the process of writing, and applying self-forgiveness, and designing self-corrective statements have never been any hurdles to me. Hence, if given the choice of for example going to some type of festivity or being at home with myself – without exceptions I have opted for the latter. This has its pros and cons. The pro is that I have developed a deep and intimate relationship with myself, because I have spent so much time investigating myself. The con is that because I do not get out very often, I have not had the feedback/stimuli of the system in my daily living to measure where I am in my process and where I still need to put down more time and effort to change.

So, yesterday I was part of a festive occasion. Many people, alcohol, food, and all of those things we tend to associate with festivities was present. Now, the one thing I noticed about myself at this festivity was that I was not comfortable in speaking and interacting to others when it came to these ‘social’ and supposedly ‘fun’ and ‘witty’ conversations. I am not sure whether you, the reader, can relate, but what I am trying to describe is those interactions were the two participants are ‘supposed’ to be in a light, playful, and witty mode, and have some form bantering. On the television we can find this type of witty banter in for example talk shows.

However, I am not comfortable with these witty banters, and actually, I am not very comfortable with the entire scenario of ‘forced socialization’ that occurs at parties. I tend to become anxious, nervous, and held back in my expression – and as far as I can see – the reason for this is because I do not trust myself. Instead of me allowing myself to be me, I am trying to be someone/something that I believe is fitting to occasion of a ‘festivity’ – for example: A funny and enjoyable person.

It was very interesting to observe my reactions towards others at this party. And in particular this experience within me that I did not feel as if I was ‘funny enough’ or ‘social enough’ or ‘into the atmosphere’ enough. And when I spoke to people, a recurring thought within me was: ‘Wow, they must probably think that I am boring to be around’. This shows my current relationship with festivities and social interactions – I believe that I must be something – that I must play a part and that I am not enough by myself. Because if I would have been relaxed, and at ease with myself – ACCEPTING MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY – there would not have been any nervousness or anxiety. Instead I would have walked into the environment, clear on who I am and where I am standing, clear on the point that I define who I am.

What I see as a solution to this experience of me holding myself back, becoming stiff, and stale around others, is for me to practice self-acceptance – and self-acceptance in this instance would be for me to remain with breath and accept and allow my genuine natural expression to come through. Thus, not try to emulate anything more or less – not try to hide parts of myself, or reinforce others, not try to make a show – instead breathing – being relaxed in my body – and interacting naturally – and within this being at peace with the fact that others might not define/see me as funny or enjoyable to be with. But – why should I accept and allow that to bother me? If I am accepting myself, if I am fulfilling myself, if I am standing with myself, there nothing amiss regardless of how my environment responds.

The solution hence: SELF-ACCEPTANCE – SELF-LOVE – and LIVING these words through bringing myself back myself here when I am approaching a social situation – making sure that I stand stable within myself and that my starting point is here – with and as my human physical body – that I feel my breath – that I feel the tips of my toes – that I feel the tips of my fingers – that I make sure my back is straight and that I am not slouching – that I am physically HERE in the way I present my physical body – Living the statement that – THIS IS WHO I AM – I AM HERE.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of being enjoyable, or fun to be with, when speaking with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fit in, and be normal, and express myself as others would expect me to, when it comes to witty bantering, and being part of social circumstances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of me being normal and fitting in – and thus within this tighten myself – go into a experience of pressure and strictness/control within myself – where I try to read the situation and put forth a face that I hope others will accept – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within – and live self-acceptance – live self-love – and bring through that point into reality through not accepting and allowing myself to try to be as I think that others want me to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be like I believe others want me to be – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself in fear that others are not going to accept me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that if others do not accept me this will put my survival at risk in this world – and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my survival to others accepting me – instead of understanding that survival and me directing this point is not so much about acceptance from others – as it is about me standing disciplined and committed in relation to the points in my world that are the source of income for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that others acceptance of me is vital for my survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and suppress my genuine natural self-expression to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, and filled with emotions of sadness, and disgust, when I believe that someone is not accepting me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value these emotions and believe that they are signifying something real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that emotions are merely energy – that I have built up through participating in a polarity of feeling/emotion – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and push myself to have that be my starting point of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted my natural genuine self-expression – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is something wrong with the way I am naturally – and believe that I am not sufficiently expressive and warm with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others in fear of being rejected – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define rejection within and as emotional experiences – instead of understanding that rejection is simply a physical pushing away – and does not mean that I am less than – or worthless – or that I require to judge myself in someway or another – hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and believe that I am not right the way I am naturally and in my genuine self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is appropriate and normal to change myself around others and to have several faces towards the world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my shape shifting personality through thinking that the way I am naturally will never be accepted – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is not about being accepted – but about me accepting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not about being accepted by others – but that it is about me accepting and recognizing myself – me allowing my genuine and real expression to come through – me trusting myself and not accepting and allowing myself to loose balance and touch with myself when I visit festivities and when I am out in the system moving around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others in system – and believe that I need/should be like them – and have the same personal relationships – the same type of social interaction – and be similar to others – and think that there is something wrong with me when I am not living/participating as others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is not necessarily something wrong with me – that it could instead be – simply that I am not the same as others – that I do not work in the same way – that I do not function in the same way – and thus that my express and living is not the same as what others expression/living is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up when interacting with others in the form of witty bantering – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am tensing up – because I do not know how to be – how to behave – what to express – what to show around another to ‘fit in’ – and this is the problem – that I am trying to ‘fit in’ – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to be natural and genuine – to be myself and not try to be something more than myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not have to be this social machine of perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation within me that I should be able to fit in with people – that I should be able to create a funny, comfortable social situation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not necessarily so all the time – that sometimes I might not have anything in common with another – and thus there is nothing to talk about really – and – that is completely okay – I do not have to force points – I do not have to force a social comfortableness – it is okay that things are at times systematic and not in anyway personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force a social feeling of belonging to my work environment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my work to become more than my work – to want my relationships with colleagues to be more than practical and systematic relationships – and believe that there is something bad with designing and planning my relationships to be systematic and practical – and within this I see, realize and understand that there is no such problem – that sometimes a relationship can only come to its fullest potential when the relationship is practical and systematic – and there is no personal shit involved – it is all about the context of that particular relationship – where in the context of work – the fullest potential of a relationship would be to as effectively as possible complete the work with the utmost quality possible

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a pressure and state of anxiety, and strictness within myself, when communicating or interacting with people in my world, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back to my body here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment trying to force myself into a particular expression/picture – and that I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine, natural and real – and to express myself comfortably within my body – and thus I commit myself to take a deep breath in – to relax my muscles – relax my body – to let go – and to accept and allow myself to respond naturally and genuinely I that moment – not trying to force or emulate – but simply sharing myself here

When and as I see myself go into a physical state of being tense, when communicating and speaking with another, or being in some social gathering, or festivity, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment not accepting and allowing myself to naturally flow in my expression, but that I am trying to be something that I am not, I am trying to show myself as something that I am not, I am trying to be a person, and something or others, to be accepted – and thus I commit myself to relax my muscles – to place my attention and focus on my breath and breathe myself back into my physical body – and state within myself that – I accept myself – I love myself – I accept and allow myself to stand and move in this moment – being genuine and real

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I Became a Thief for A Few Seconds

Yesterday as I went shopping with my mother I came to face an interesting part of myself. So, we where standing in the shopping queue and the cashier were registrating our groceries. I decided to go down to the end of the conveyor belt, on which our groceries slid down after having been noted; in this process I went through the ‘thief detectors’, those plastic pillars at the end of a shop, designed to react when a magnetic strip that isn’t yet deactivated by the cashier, is brought through, and obviously – the alarm went off.

Yellow light began to blink and a sharp sound went through the store. I was like, shit! Is this me doing this shit? But – I pushed myself to remain here as breath and instead of me being called to the counter – the guy next to me was called to report with the cashier. During this moment I actually reacted, but I was still able to, at least portray myself as calm – lol.

Then the moment of truth arrived as the cashier let of the man and he commenced to venture through the plastic pillars with no alarm going off – suddenly – I was the convict! So, the cashier asked me if I could go back and then enter through the plastic pillars again. As I did what was ordered of me, obviously the alarm went off, and suddenly this experience of extreme embarrassment started to raise within me – because now I was a criminal – the alarm had caught me and people now thought that I had stolen something; this was the thought pattern that went through my mind and in relation to this I felt very uncomfortable – and much like I wanted to hide or escape through the floor of the store.

But I still held myself together and I didn’t fall down upon the floor in shock as to this ‘extreme’ and ‘unexpected’ event occurring in my world. I proceeded to get myself out of this situation and so I ventured to the cashier that said to me: you probably have stuff in your pockets that make the alarm go off. This was when fascinating stuff began to happen – as I noticed that I didn’t really have any control over myself – it was like I acted in total survival autopilot – as I gave my wallet and key’s to the cashier, experiencing quite the ball of anxiety in my chest; instead of simply walking down to the pillars of plastic myself, removing my wallet and keys and walking through. It was like simply gave up all common sense and self-direction, as all I desired and wanted to do was to please this cashier and have her spare my life!

So, I gave her my keys and my wallet and she said – put them on the conveyor belt, which I did – and then I walked through the plastic pillars which where now pleased with my presence as they didn’t sound their alarm. I noticed that I feared to pick up my wallet and my keys lying on the conveyor belt, because I had been ordered to not do so, while I knew, that if I picked up my keys and wallets, now when I had received permission from the gods of plastic to exist as a free man, there was really no practical use of having my keys and wallets there – so I picked them up! And the event ended!

As it was all over I became amazed at how much I had reacted towards this point. I had reacted to the fact of being seen by others as a criminal and I had reacted towards authority through giving up all self-direction and simply following what another told me to do – in order to escape punishment. It was fascinating.

As I got home and applied self-forgiveness on the point I realized that I had separated myself from criminals, the outcasts of this world, seeing them as something shameful and inferior to the apparent ‘good’ citizen of this world – while in-fact the very existence of the ‘good’ citizen marks the creation of the ‘bad’ outcast citizen.

Thus – I realized that there is nothing immoral about stealing, there is nothing embarrassing about being an outcast, no-one is more good than me, or more bad than me – as we are all apart of and responsible for a system that supports the very existence of theft and becoming an outcast. There is no one that can be said to be moral, as either we are all moral – as we are collectively creating a system that supports everyone, or we are all immoral, as we collectively create a system wherein people are forced to crime in order to survive.

Thus – I stand one and equal as the criminal here – ending separation – realizing that if there is but one criminal, as a thief on this earth, I am as responsible for his life as he himself is – as I accepted and allowed myself to be apart of the very origin issue, as to why he became a criminal – a unequal money system!

This means that the solution to end crime and to have all people be ‘good’ – is equal money – as we end the polarity of have and have not’s and instead establish only have’s. Then morality will be real.

As to the point of authority – well – it’s a fascinating point. Seeking to be accepted, following orders without a second thought, only to avoid a possible punishment. It’s fascinating to see how automated these points are – and how much I’ve given up the ability to direct myself effectively, through wanting and desiring to have another direct me instead – within the belief that they are apparently more powerful than me; they are not! There are in-fact no authorities – there is but one authority and that is me. The fact that I perceive and act as if there are authorities outside of me – only shows to me that I’ve given up myself as self-authority.

Thus – I stand up as breath and I become the author of me once again – as the movement and direction in the moment that isn’t derived from fear – but from within and as the principle of what is best for all.