Tag Archives: outsider

Day 318: Insider or Outsider, Where Do You Want To Be?

Have you ever felt like an outsider? The word is usually used in the context of social interaction, the forming and shaping of groups, friendships, and other social structures – and it identifies the individuals that are not part of the social structure that has developed. In the dictionary, an outsider is, among other things, defined as a person who is not accepted by or who isolates themselves from society.

Looking at the emotional charge of the word, it has a definitive negative emotional connotation. Being an outsider is not something that is defined as a positive characteristic of a person, and hence, many of us, are very much fearful of excommunication, of bullying, and being pushed away from our current social setting, that is to say, from the group within which we have come to define ourselves. Existing within such a fear is a limitation, and hence it is clear that, for anyone feeling like an outsider, the solution is not to strive to become an insider, the solution is not to build your self-image, and self-value upon you being part of a group. For us to be self-reliant, self-confident, effective people with integrity to be able to stand for what we see is best for all, there cannot be any emotional dependency on a group of people.

Being an outsider is however not a solution, and what I have found in my own process of walking through and directing the ‘outsider-character’ is that it is also a mind-construct with a core point of fear. Here the fear is also that of being excommunicated and pushed out from the group, however the tactic is different. Instead of playing along with the game, and aiming to be accepted and loved by a group, the strategy is to never be part of a group to begin with, because then the fear of being rejected by a group will never materialize. It is a more cunning way of avoiding the hurtful experience of rejection, however, it is also severely limiting our potential as human beings to expand, form relationships and get to know people.

The solution is not to try and make ourselves friends with everyone, and the solution is not to become an outsider and push people away. What I have realized is that in order to transcend this polarity of either being an insider, or an outsider, we have to deal with the core issues – and that is in both cases – fear. For me, this fear has consisted out of the fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being liked and fear of not fitting in.

To deal with these fears, what I did was that I asked myself questions, such as the following: ‘Why do I fear rejection? Why do I fear not being accepted? Why do I fear not being liked and not fitting in?’ – and what came through here is that all of these fears relate back to me – and that I have not developed a sufficient self-standing, self-acceptance, and self-value. Because would I be able to fear rejection if I knew that regardless of what happened, I would always stand with and by myself and be fulfilled and whole in that? And would I fear not being liked or fitting in, if I would enjoy myself, and perfectly well, fit into my own life the way I see is best for all?

The answer to those questions is no – and as such we are able to learn a lot about ourselves through investigating how we feel around groups of people, how we interact, how we think and whether we decide to become an outsider or an insider. I have found that our emotional experiences is only ever a consequence of a misalignment in our relationship with ourselves, and should only be used as a guiding light to find the real underlying issues.

I have found that the most efficient way to direct these underlying issues, which are the real problem, is to LIVE WORDS. The process of living words is easy to understand and it is being thoroughly walked through at the School of Ultimate Living, which I suggest anyone interested in changing deep seated compromising habits and patterns to pay a visit to. Living Words basically means that we establish a word, with a definition, that effectively serves as a placeholder for a new expression we want to establish in our lives, and then we put that new expression into practice.

With me, I established that the word self-acceptance would assist and support me to change my experience of myself. I looked at how I could express this word in my day-to-day living – in this I saw that I regularly throughout my days – judged myself for how I interacted with people. I thought back on my interactions either defining them as ‘good’ or as ‘bad’. I defined a interaction as good when there was a flow to the conversation and a natural comfortableness between the other person and I. The interaction was defined as bad when there was a miscommunication, an emotion coming through, uncertainty coming to the surface, or some other external or internal event occurred that stopped the ‘flow’ in the moment.

Then I could see that an effective way of living self-acceptance would be to stop these assessments of myself and my social interactions with others – and to replace this assessment chatter with me accepting myself in the moment of interaction – and doing that through relaxing my body, feeling my breath, and bringing myself back HERE whenever I could see that this assessment chatter wanted to come up within me. Hence practically developing and LIVING self-acceptance – and through this process I have been able to change my experience of myself when it comes to groups – where I am not anymore as afraid of what people might think of me, and how well I fit in, or whether I am liked or not.

Living words is a efficient way of transcending the polarity of being an insider or outsider – and it places the focus back on self. Because it is not about whether we feel apart of the group or not, it is all a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves – and hence – all of our lives can be used as a support for us to get to know ourselves more intimately and establish new patterns and expressions that are best for all.


Other blogs on this topic:

Day 577 – Do I not belong?

437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Outsiders – day 695

461: You Don’t Have to be an Outsider – Invite Yourself In

Day 1102: Stepping out of Your Comfort Zone

Day 148- Isolating Myself from Relationship’s

The Outsider – Day 511

Learn more about this way of living:

Advertisements

Day 274: Getting Out Into The System

office-partyIn my process of birthing myself as life from the physical I have had the tendency of isolating myself from the rest of the world. I have always thoroughly enjoyed my own company, and the process of writing, and applying self-forgiveness, and designing self-corrective statements have never been any hurdles to me. Hence, if given the choice of for example going to some type of festivity or being at home with myself – without exceptions I have opted for the latter. This has its pros and cons. The pro is that I have developed a deep and intimate relationship with myself, because I have spent so much time investigating myself. The con is that because I do not get out very often, I have not had the feedback/stimuli of the system in my daily living to measure where I am in my process and where I still need to put down more time and effort to change.

So, yesterday I was part of a festive occasion. Many people, alcohol, food, and all of those things we tend to associate with festivities was present. Now, the one thing I noticed about myself at this festivity was that I was not comfortable in speaking and interacting to others when it came to these ‘social’ and supposedly ‘fun’ and ‘witty’ conversations. I am not sure whether you, the reader, can relate, but what I am trying to describe is those interactions were the two participants are ‘supposed’ to be in a light, playful, and witty mode, and have some form bantering. On the television we can find this type of witty banter in for example talk shows.

However, I am not comfortable with these witty banters, and actually, I am not very comfortable with the entire scenario of ‘forced socialization’ that occurs at parties. I tend to become anxious, nervous, and held back in my expression – and as far as I can see – the reason for this is because I do not trust myself. Instead of me allowing myself to be me, I am trying to be someone/something that I believe is fitting to occasion of a ‘festivity’ – for example: A funny and enjoyable person.

It was very interesting to observe my reactions towards others at this party. And in particular this experience within me that I did not feel as if I was ‘funny enough’ or ‘social enough’ or ‘into the atmosphere’ enough. And when I spoke to people, a recurring thought within me was: ‘Wow, they must probably think that I am boring to be around’. This shows my current relationship with festivities and social interactions – I believe that I must be something – that I must play a part and that I am not enough by myself. Because if I would have been relaxed, and at ease with myself – ACCEPTING MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY – there would not have been any nervousness or anxiety. Instead I would have walked into the environment, clear on who I am and where I am standing, clear on the point that I define who I am.

What I see as a solution to this experience of me holding myself back, becoming stiff, and stale around others, is for me to practice self-acceptance – and self-acceptance in this instance would be for me to remain with breath and accept and allow my genuine natural expression to come through. Thus, not try to emulate anything more or less – not try to hide parts of myself, or reinforce others, not try to make a show – instead breathing – being relaxed in my body – and interacting naturally – and within this being at peace with the fact that others might not define/see me as funny or enjoyable to be with. But – why should I accept and allow that to bother me? If I am accepting myself, if I am fulfilling myself, if I am standing with myself, there nothing amiss regardless of how my environment responds.

The solution hence: SELF-ACCEPTANCE – SELF-LOVE – and LIVING these words through bringing myself back myself here when I am approaching a social situation – making sure that I stand stable within myself and that my starting point is here – with and as my human physical body – that I feel my breath – that I feel the tips of my toes – that I feel the tips of my fingers – that I make sure my back is straight and that I am not slouching – that I am physically HERE in the way I present my physical body – Living the statement that – THIS IS WHO I AM – I AM HERE.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of being enjoyable, or fun to be with, when speaking with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fit in, and be normal, and express myself as others would expect me to, when it comes to witty bantering, and being part of social circumstances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of me being normal and fitting in – and thus within this tighten myself – go into a experience of pressure and strictness/control within myself – where I try to read the situation and put forth a face that I hope others will accept – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within – and live self-acceptance – live self-love – and bring through that point into reality through not accepting and allowing myself to try to be as I think that others want me to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be like I believe others want me to be – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself in fear that others are not going to accept me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that if others do not accept me this will put my survival at risk in this world – and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my survival to others accepting me – instead of understanding that survival and me directing this point is not so much about acceptance from others – as it is about me standing disciplined and committed in relation to the points in my world that are the source of income for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that others acceptance of me is vital for my survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and suppress my genuine natural self-expression to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, and filled with emotions of sadness, and disgust, when I believe that someone is not accepting me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value these emotions and believe that they are signifying something real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that emotions are merely energy – that I have built up through participating in a polarity of feeling/emotion – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and push myself to have that be my starting point of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted my natural genuine self-expression – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is something wrong with the way I am naturally – and believe that I am not sufficiently expressive and warm with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others in fear of being rejected – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define rejection within and as emotional experiences – instead of understanding that rejection is simply a physical pushing away – and does not mean that I am less than – or worthless – or that I require to judge myself in someway or another – hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and believe that I am not right the way I am naturally and in my genuine self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is appropriate and normal to change myself around others and to have several faces towards the world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my shape shifting personality through thinking that the way I am naturally will never be accepted – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is not about being accepted – but about me accepting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not about being accepted by others – but that it is about me accepting and recognizing myself – me allowing my genuine and real expression to come through – me trusting myself and not accepting and allowing myself to loose balance and touch with myself when I visit festivities and when I am out in the system moving around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others in system – and believe that I need/should be like them – and have the same personal relationships – the same type of social interaction – and be similar to others – and think that there is something wrong with me when I am not living/participating as others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is not necessarily something wrong with me – that it could instead be – simply that I am not the same as others – that I do not work in the same way – that I do not function in the same way – and thus that my express and living is not the same as what others expression/living is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up when interacting with others in the form of witty bantering – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am tensing up – because I do not know how to be – how to behave – what to express – what to show around another to ‘fit in’ – and this is the problem – that I am trying to ‘fit in’ – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to be natural and genuine – to be myself and not try to be something more than myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not have to be this social machine of perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation within me that I should be able to fit in with people – that I should be able to create a funny, comfortable social situation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not necessarily so all the time – that sometimes I might not have anything in common with another – and thus there is nothing to talk about really – and – that is completely okay – I do not have to force points – I do not have to force a social comfortableness – it is okay that things are at times systematic and not in anyway personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force a social feeling of belonging to my work environment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my work to become more than my work – to want my relationships with colleagues to be more than practical and systematic relationships – and believe that there is something bad with designing and planning my relationships to be systematic and practical – and within this I see, realize and understand that there is no such problem – that sometimes a relationship can only come to its fullest potential when the relationship is practical and systematic – and there is no personal shit involved – it is all about the context of that particular relationship – where in the context of work – the fullest potential of a relationship would be to as effectively as possible complete the work with the utmost quality possible

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a pressure and state of anxiety, and strictness within myself, when communicating or interacting with people in my world, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back to my body here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment trying to force myself into a particular expression/picture – and that I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine, natural and real – and to express myself comfortably within my body – and thus I commit myself to take a deep breath in – to relax my muscles – relax my body – to let go – and to accept and allow myself to respond naturally and genuinely I that moment – not trying to force or emulate – but simply sharing myself here

When and as I see myself go into a physical state of being tense, when communicating and speaking with another, or being in some social gathering, or festivity, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment not accepting and allowing myself to naturally flow in my expression, but that I am trying to be something that I am not, I am trying to show myself as something that I am not, I am trying to be a person, and something or others, to be accepted – and thus I commit myself to relax my muscles – to place my attention and focus on my breath and breathe myself back into my physical body – and state within myself that – I accept myself – I love myself – I accept and allow myself to stand and move in this moment – being genuine and real

Hiding – Part 2

Before reading this – read part 1 first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the character/experience/possession of not wanting to be seen – existing within and as the physical behavior of avoiding eye contact with others – avoiding to be seen through pretending that I don’t see and notice others when they are in my presence – hoping that by doing so they won’t notice and see me; instead of accepting and allowing myself to come out from this shell I’ve created – understanding that this shell is completely unnecessary and doesn’t even protect me from anything – because even if I continue to hold unto this shell – it won’t stop me from being hit by a bus, or stabbed by someone – it’s simply a imaginary shell that serves no other purpose but to limit me and have me miss opportunities of getting to know/participating with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist/live within and as the character of not wanting to be seen – thinking that if I would be seen by somebody – that this would the expose me to their evil scrutiny – wherein they would take me apart inside their minds and find all my weak-spots and plot to use their powers to destroy me; instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that this is in-fact what I am doing towards myself – wherein I am looking at myself from a perspective of judging my apparent weak spots – giving all my focus at being angry/frustrated at myself for having these weak spots – spending all my effort/time to hide these weak spots – instead of accepting and allowing to simply let go of this fear – and see/realize/understand that even if I have a weak spot and someone mention this – or poke my weak spot – that this can’t affect and influence me unless I accept and allow it to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as petrification and fear of being seen by others – within the fear that if somebody sees me – they might see something wrong/incorrect with me and point this out to me; as such existing within complete fear and petrification towards being criticized by others and seen as wrong/incorrect by others; instead of seeing/realizing/understanding how ludicrous this fear is – and how stupid it is to fear being criticized by others – as I see/realize/understand that I might even benefit from the perspective/criticism that others have towards me and my behavior – and as such become even more effective and detailed within and as my physical living expression of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear/nervousness to be seen by others – fearing that there will be some weakness/fault within me that others will see and notice and mention – talk to me about – or ridicule me for having – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that it’s not big deal to have a weakness and to be wrong – and it’s no big deal that other mentions or points this out – when I do have made something wrong, or I possess a certain weakness – but I’ve made it within myself to be this hugely important and all-encompassing point – that I must at all times present myself and show myself to be right; instead of accepting and allowing myself to chill out – to relax – and simply live here in this moment and if I fuck up – to deal with that fuck-up here physically through looking at what practical solutions I can walk to correct the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand to the extent that I limit myself when I exist in the fear of being noticed; as I basically remove myself from participation – remove myself from reality and isolate myself as far away from everyone that I can get – as such living a life of seclusion wherein I never get to know anyone, and I never get to know myself with others – because I am all the time alone – all the time protecting myself from being seen by others; and within this I will/push myself to get out from this stupid character, and instead participate with others – get to know others – communicate and in-fact accept and allow myself to be seen – and to not worry about being seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be seen by others – be heard by others – be noticed by others; and walk these points being completely comfortable with myself – knowing that there is nothing harmful in being seen/noticed/heard by others – and that there is nothing in-fact to fear – and that the fear only exists in my mind as a idea and belief – as such I will/push myself to become physical – within seeing/realizing/understand that there is absolutely no possibility that I will be able to be harmed physically through being seen/noticed/heard by others – it’s only an idea

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seclude and isolate myself from participation in reality – and to shut myself off from getting to know others, and from expanding in my reality through networking and opening up new points of relationships with others; because I exist/live in fear of being noticed/seen – thinking that I am worthless and if I am seen by others – that they will see/notice/judge this worthlessness within me – and openly criticize me for being worthless; instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that what I fear others doing to me – is what I am doing to myself – as accepting and allowing myself to be hard and brutal with myself – and to criticize myself for my weak-spots – and to in essence be an asshole towards myself when I notice that there are points in my application that aren’t effective – and that aren’t working as they should be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself out from this character – to see/realize/understand how much of life that I’ve missed through existing as this character – how many opportunities of participating/speaking/communicating with others that I’ve wasted through giving into the fear of being noticed/seen; as such I will/push myself to step out of this character and dare to be seen – dare to be heard – dare to be recognized – and dare to be different – and not anymore limit myself in living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this hiding personality – as not wanting to be seen; thinking that this personality is protecting me from harming, and protecting me from ending up in a “bad situation” – instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I am not at all protected by this character/personality – I am instead limited, and held back – and in-fact regressing within myself due to missing points of participating/communication with others where I could’ve expanded and learned – and got to know more about myself and the functioning of this existence – as such I push/will myself to not anymore exist live as this fear of being seen – but instead express myself in moments where I see that I am holding myself back in the fear of being seen – and to share myself in moments when I see that I doubt sharing myself – because I fear to be seen

I commit myself to not anymore exist/live as the character of not wanting to be seen/noticed – but to instead push/will myself to be noticed/to be seen/to be heard – as I push/will myself to participate/interact/communicate – when the opportunity to do so opens up in my life

I commit myself to not pretend to not see others in my presence – in fear of being seen/noticed – but instead recognize the fact that others are in my presence – and to walk comfortably here with others – accepting and allowing myself to be seen/noticed/heard

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that this fear of being noticed does not protect me – and that it’s not a real shell – but only a mental shell as an idea and as such completely useless in all and everyway

I commit myself to not scrutinize myself in my minds eye – and look for faults within myself, and points of “badness” – and within this I commit myself to not project this point unto others; but to instead take self-responsibility for this point through stopping this character of scrutinizing myself when I see/notice that I am living this point as myself

I commit myself to not fear being criticized and/or seen as wrong/incorrect by others – but to instead view such moments as a opportunity for me to learn – because maybe another has a valid point as to how I’ve been doing wrong/incorrect; and within this I commit myself to not take myself so seriously, and to not be so hard upon myself when I fail/make mistakes/and fuck up – but to instead support myself to become more effective within not fucking-up – but instead living effectively here – as breath one and equal

I commit myself to when I am around others to – chill out and relax – and not take myself so seriously – but to simply be here with myself and express myself naturally – not worrying whether I might be wrong

I commit myself to not seclude myself, and hide myself away in the far-reaches of the universe where no-one can ever see or find me – but to instead accept and allow myself to push through my fears/anxieties and get out there in reality with other people – get out there and communicate/participate/interact – and be apart of the life’s of others

I commit myself to be seen/noticed/heard by others – and to not seclude/isolate myself in order to avoid being seen/heard/noticed

I commit myself to get out there in reality – and get to know others/participate with others/move myself in the system – in the matrix – and to forever stop this character of standing in the back – hoping that no-one will ever see me; because maybe then I will become criticized – I see/realize/understand how stupid this fear is – and as such I commit myself to forever ban it from my life

I commit myself to see/realize/understand how much I’ve missed of my life through existing as this character of not wanting to be seen – as I’ve deliberately avoided to create any close/intimate relationships with others – to communicate/interact/get to know others – simply because I’ve been afraid of being seen/noticed/heard – I stop this fear and seclusion – and I as such stop missing out on my life/opportunity to get to know others here

I commit myself to dare to be heard/seen/noticed/recognized

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the fear of being seen doesn’t in anyway protect me – but only limits me and have me regress into a existence/life of seclusion/hiding; as such I stop myself from honoring and entertaining this fear within me and I instead develop self-trust – to be able to effectively analyze and distinguish situations that are in-fact dangerous without having to keep/entertain a fear of being seen/heard/noticed – and within this I see/realize/understand that a fear can’t assist/support me to understand the totality of a situation – and as such can’t protect me from harm in-fact – but only serves to keep me stuck in energies/experiences that aren’t even aligned to this physical reality