Tag Archives: parents

Day 320: The Solution to Negativity

Put on the news for a while, and then analyze the content for yourself, was it negative or positive? Then, do the same with your inner backchat, observe it for a while, and then see if it is more negative than positive. Most likely, what you will find is that there is a lot more negativity than positivity. This is nothing wrong per say, it is simply how we have set up our minds, and thus our external reality, to function. However, this way of looking at life does lead to consequences and does create limitations. Most importantly, being caught in the negative precludes an active search for SOLUTIONS and it causes us to forget our POTENTIAL and the OPPORTUNITIES that are here which can be utilized to enhance our lives.

In order to expound on this point I am going to utilize an example from my own life, where I could clearly see, that my way of approaching the situation in a state of negativity, further cemented and procreated that negativity, in the other words, a form of snowballing. I moved to a farm situated on the countryside about a year ago and I do enjoy many aspects of the rural life, though from time to time I have missed living in a more populated area. This conflict was intense as I first moved here, and I had a tendency on only focusing on what was bad with the countryside; it was far to the nearest shop, there were few career opportunities, there were no people around with interest similar to mine, and I had many more responsibilities to handle when compared to living in a small apartment. I thought to myself that I had made a big mistake.

Then, slowly, I started to open up to the countryside, and I naturally acquired new hobbies that are connected to living on a farm, such as gardening, maintenance and upkeep of machines and houses as well as learning about animals and plants. I decided to explore bees and applied for a bee-keeping course, and got to know a lot of new people living in my neighborhood, many of them interested and passionate about plants and insects. A new life started to take shape, a life that I was curious to explore and get to know, and that I actually experienced more passion and interest towards if compared with the hobbies I had while I was living in the town.

This process of growth and expansion took place naturally as I started to embrace my new living situation and push myself to interact and participate physically – HERE – instead of being in my mind thinking about what could have, or what should have been. Hence, as I embraced life HERE – I began to see the opportunities right in front of me – I began to see a future and a potential for myself on the farm – something that was here all the time but that I had not had the ability to create or walk into before as I was too much in my mind.

What I have come to realize through this process is the importance of WHO WE ARE within what we do – it is not about whether we live in a town, or on the countryside, and it is not about whether we got the we always dreamt of, or are able to pursue the hobby we always desired – it is about what we do with it – it is about HOW we approach it, how we RELATE to it, WHO we decide to be; that is what makes all the difference. The fact that I have been able to expand and embrace the countryside has nothing to do with where I live, it was because I stopped thinking about where I lived, and placed my attention on CREATING my potential. And the nice thing about our potential is that it never goes away, it is always here, within us, ready to be developed and realized and put into manifestation regardless of where we are or what we do.

What we can all learn from this is that when we feel negative, depressed or hopeless about our current situation and environment, instead of going into that experience, we can realign our focus and look at and hold within us, our POTENTIAL. To see our potential, we must come back to reality, we must let go of that murmuring backchat in the mind and embrace what is physically here, and then, when we are here, we can begin to see how we are able to create ourselves within the given circumstances in a way that is best for ourselves, and . And sure, it is important to recognize that which we are dissatisfied with, however, it is equally important to take that dissatisfaction into a physical movement, of changing and directing ourselves, and our lives, to become better. There is always a potential, a best practice, and our job is to find it, hold it, and not let it go from our sights until it is HERE as a physical manifestation. This way we are actually doing something productive with our negative state, as we utilize it is a force of creativity, to push ourselves to make the best of ourselves.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 309: Learning Cooperation

Since childhood I have experienced a resistance towards helping others when they ask, especially if I am at that moment doing something that I enjoy. For example, I might be sitting down writing, or playing guitar, and then someone comes into my room and asks me if I am able to run an errand for them. I will experience resistance in that moment; and usually what happens is that I will tell the person ‘not now!’ – and then continue doing what I am doing.

This way of approaching favors, and services has its roots in my childhood. When I was young I had many experiences where I would sit in my room, back then, primarily playing video games, and my parents would come storming in, often irritated, and demand of me that I do some form of chore in the house – and if I did not do it immediately they would threaten to turn off my computer, and sequester it until I do. These events were traumatic for me, because I would in one moment be sitting with and enjoying myself, then in the next moment everything would change and instead I would be demanded to do something I did not particularly want to do – NOW; and this created an experience within me of feeling invaded.

Now, I am soon thirty years old, and still I experience this feeling of being invaded the moment someone enters into my life and, while I am busy with other stuff, asks me to do something. And another interesting thing is that I will most of the times believe that they want me to do something NOW, while they sometimes do not have a specific time in mind.

I have realized that this pattern and experience of feeling invaded each time someone asks me to do something for him or her must now be directed. It influences me not only at home, but also at my work, where I will feel slightly aggravated and annoyed with each assignment or task that is added to my plate. It is common sense that we all have to do things we do not necessarily like, and that we had not initially planned on doing. Things can come up, and tasks might be proving to be too big for one individual to deal with by himself or herself. There are a myriad of reasons as to why someone would need my help; and it is not an invasion that is happening – it is simply someone asking me to do something for them.

I do not loose myself by for a moment, stopping what I am doing, and then moving myself to do something else, which I might not necessarily want to do, but that I see is important and relevant. I can always get back to what I was doing later on, and if I do have a tight schedule and I am sitting with something that I must get done now, I can communicate this, and then make a plan to help out later on. For communities to effectively work we MUST help each other, I have skills that others does not have, and they have skills I do not have, some are strong, some are intelligent, some are fast, others not, and when we share our skills and time with one another, we create added value for each other. If we only tend to our own interests, projects, and desires, the consequence is that we will limit ourselves. Cooperation is one of those awesome expressions that will add value to everyone involved. Together we can do more than we are able to do alone.

Another aspect of this is that many times what is asked of me, it does not only concern the other person but also me. For example, cleaning the house, this is something that will support me as well. Feeding the cats and making sure that they have sufficient with food and water, this is something that must be done, and it does not matter who does it. Feeling invaded and attacked clouds me from seeing the positive effects that can come out of taking the action asked of me, and how it can influence my world positively as well.

I can conclude that helping each other out is really important, being able to work together is important, and that cannot happen if one of the parties feels invaded every time a favor is asked. However, this does not mean that I should do EVERYTHING asked of me – it is important to make sure that I do have the practical space and time required to deal with my own responsibilities as well. It is not worth it to compromise my own commitments; a solution here would instead be to, as I shared earlier, make a plan and schedule a time for helping later on when this do not compromise my other responsibilities.

Solution

What are then the solutions? I have already touched on them: It would be to stop this experience of feeling invaded the moment it comes up – simply STOP – then to instead listen to what is asked of me, and unconditionally assess whether I am able to, or not, at this time, assist and support. And if I am able to, I have the time, to simply get up and move myself to help, remembering that I will be able to return to what I was doing later on – and that I am adding value to my life and the life of another. If I however do not have the time, then I can schedule one, and also explain to the person why I cannot help them at this moment.

Day 281: The Hell of Helping

helpLast week I had one of those days at work where things just pile up. Without any warning I had to take on a lot of work that was redirected from other parts of the organization due to certain events. In my mind, this constituted a moment of ‘helping’ that other part of my organization – and because of that some interesting things opened up within me with regards to the word ‘helping’.

Basically, what happened was that I became irritated and resentful because I had to take on these new and unforeseen responsibilities. And it was fascinating, because from a logical perspective, I could see that it made perfect sense that I handled this work, because if I didn’t do it, well, then it would end up with someone else. Further, it is part of my job description to support the organization in its daily operations – I am not supposed to be like an island that only makes sure that my things gets done and that I do not care anything about others.

I could see all of this, yet regardless, what grew within me was irritation and resentment, thoughts like: “Why do I have to do this?” – “Why did it have to be me?” – “I had so many different things planned for today, why me?” – and this battle began within me between reason on the one hand, and pure emotion on the other. My physical experience in this time was that of discomfort, and I could feel that my awareness was oscillating back and forth between being stable in the physical, and lost on a wave of emotion. I experienced myself as two people, and I knew I wanted to in that moment live what my reason was telling me, though due to the emotional experience, I could not give myself to actually making it my priority to contribute to the organization where I work.

Some days later I opened up the word help together with my partner, and this is where I started to see where this two-parted experience comes from, and especially why I have such an emotional relationship to things that concerns helping. When I grew up, my parents used to word help a lot. Though mostly, my parents were not really asking for help, sometimes their starting point would be for me to ‘learn what it means to have responsibilities’ or ‘it must be fair between you and your siblings’ or that ‘you should help because, well, you just should’ – hence as I saw it back then, they were not putting forth a real question of asking for help. This led me to start distrusting people that claim they want to have help. Because what I see when this word is mentioned, is someone that wants to deceive me, and get me to do things for them, because they have some self-interest that they want to be realized.

Obviously, that should not matter, because if I am helping another from a starting point of being conditional, then this is going to lead to consequences anyway – as I will feel that they must do something in return for me to make it fair. And this brings me into another aspect of why I tend to get angry when people ask me to help them, it is because I feel that it is not fair AND I feel that they are taking time away from me – coming into my life and creating a raucous – when I before had everything so nicely planned and sketched out. Thus, ripping me out of the schedule that I had in my mind.

Helping for me has thus been defined as a Hell-Point – something that I would like to avoid. I can agree to help, when I set the terms, the times, the when and the how, however when someone comes to me and asks for help, in a way that I feel is disruptive for the way I have planned my day, then, I feel like HELL – why me?

Because of my issues with helping (and also asking for help, though that is a slightly different variation of this point) I sat down and redefined the word – and this is what I came up with:

HELP
‘Assisting and supporting someone by giving one’s services or resources’

If we break this definition down, it firstly consists of assisting and supporting, which means that helping is an act of co-building and co-creation – it is an act of me stepping in to move with another in achieving a particular outcome. After that comes the word giving, which means that helping is an act of me sharing myself with another, an act of generosity – an act of me seeing that if I was in the position of the person that requires help, I would like to be given this service or resource as it would benefit me.

Thus, in my redefinition of helping I have made it clear that helping is an act of giving and co-creation – and the primary principle behind it all is that of giving as I would like to receive – and seeing the needs/requirements of another and acting to support another to fulfill those. Not because I am going to get anything in return, but because I care for another and wish the best life possible unto another.

In the following I am going to apply self-forgiveness and define my self-corrections as to my current relationship with the word help.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect emotions of anger, irritation and frustration towards helping – and immediately as I am asked to help – become irritated, frustrated, and feel pulled away from what I am doing, my life, and ‘important things’ instead of seeing, realizing and understand that this ‘important thin, is really existing as my own needs/desires and is not all the time that important, but merely an idea of what is important – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through this self-absorbed way of observing the world to instead see what I can contribute for the betterment of the whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as someone ask me for help feel disturbed and obstructed in my life, to feel as if someone is standing in my way, and this someone is being really annoying, wanting to control, rule, and direct my life without my permission, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see my life, to only see my desires, to only see what I want to see, and to the whole, not the needs and requirements of the person that is in-front of me, but only my own needs, and desires, and only that which will be supportive for me, and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated and angry when I have to help another, because I feel that they are taking me away from the things that I have to do for myself, and that I am being obstructed, and hindered in my movement, because I now have to do all these various things for another that I do not really want to do, and that I do not really want to be a part of, because want to do that which feels important to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand my view and perspective of this world, and the people within it, to see, realize and understand that this world does not only consist of me, and that there is a lot more to take into account, and one of these points is that sometimes helping another is what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resistant, doubtful, and hesitant when someone asks me to help, because I feel that I shouldn’t have to help them, and I fear that potentially they are using me, and they will not help me anything in return – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience within me is not real, and that what I instead should ask myself in the moment is whether helping, and supporting another with this point is best for all, and if I notice that I due to this get too much on my plate, then to delegate, and ask others to step in for me, to ask for help, so that all can share the workload

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being used when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am compromising myself when someone asks me to help them – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that maybe, behind my back, I am seen as weak, because I agree with others and what they ask of me to do, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak and inferior within how I apply myself in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by another as being lenient and weak, and fear that they are going to start using me, because I am helping them out without any demands on my side, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to set a precedent where I am shown as being weak – and that others are going to start abusing me because I have set this precedent that is to lenient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate helping with being/feeling abused, and misused – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not redefine helping into a concept that is supportive and best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to help people too much, and be too nice, and in that start compromising myself, and my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to lose control over myself and my life, and start doing what everyone else wants me to do, instead of what I require, and have to do – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing touch with myself because all my focus is upon others, and what I should/have to do with others in order to support them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to help another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that nobody ever helps me, so why should I have to help another, why should I have to give of my time?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel used when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misused when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to help another because they will probably not help me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to give of myself and not get anything in return – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to lose myself and my stability because I will get spread thinly and used

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that there is a difference between being abused, and used, and that being used is not problematic, while being abused, which is to be used improperly, and in a way that causes negative outcomes for someone – and thus I see, realize and understand that being used is part of helping – and that as long as there are no consequences developing – it is completely in order to be used for a moment

Self-commitment statements

When and as someone asks for help, and I notice myself going into a resistance, a doubt and hesitancy, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that if I am able to help another, and I can see that helping another in this context would be what I would want for myself, then helping another is what is best for all – and thus something to honor – hence I commit myself – to when asked: Take a look at my day, and where I am within it, what I have to do, and look whether I can assist and support another in what they ask of me, and then I give them an answer, where I state that YES I will help, or NO because I have to do this instead – and thus I commit myself to answer unconditionally – with no strings attached as me wanting anything in return

I commit myself to HELP unconditionally as a giving of myself to another, where I do not expect anything in return

When and as someone asks me for help, and I become doubtful, and fearful that they might be abusing me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that being abused by another would be when what is asked of me creates consequences in my life, or the life of another, where I as such would contribute to a world that is less than best, and thus I commit myself to in the moment cross-reference whether me helping another would initiate such an outflow, and within that give a clear answer back as either YES I will help – or NO

When and as I see myself reacting in anger, irritation and frustration as I am asked to, and then decide to help another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this irritation comes up because I feel that it is unfair that I have to help another – though I see that I will never be able to expand my consideration and care for others if I only do the bare minimum – and that I won’t expand in my motivation and self-creation potential if I only do the same as others and not more – and thus I commit myself to move myself without the concept of what is fair or unfair – and instead look at – is this best? Does this contribute to a better world, a better life? And if it does – then I do it

Day 256: Squabbling

a couple is squabbling with boxing mitsToday’s blog will be dedicated to looking more deeply into a word that I have run into in my daily living. This word is ‘squabbling’ and in the dictionary squabbling is defined as the following:

A noisy quarrel about something trivial: family squabbles.

Now, not too unexpectedly, this point has come up in relation to my partner, and the agreement we are walking together. What I have noticed in moments is that I will enter a ‘squabble-character’ – where I will latch unto some trivial point that my partner disagrees with, and then push that as ‘my point of view’. Most of the time that underlying drive within my decision is the desire to be right, and to ‘win’ – and sometimes it is that I want to experience that slightly tickling feeling of being in a light argument with another – the same type of tickling sensation that sometimes arise when you are teasing someone. And basically this tickling sensation would be the energy of superiority mixed together with some excitement, and some genuine playfulness.

Though, within living this point of squabbling, there are some obvious consequences: Firstly, sometimes the other person might simply not understand that I am ‘teasing’ him or her with a playful attitude – which can cause a reaction, and in the worst scenarios an explosion – thus walking into this squabbling-character is like playing with fire. Secondly, what is really the point of squabbling? Does it in anyway support, or build the relationship between two individuals? No, rather it’s the opposite – it’s instead a cesspool of conflict where oftentimes, things start out with a low voice, talking about things that are ‘funny’, to then escalate into more serious matters, and sensitive points, and then to become more or less a conflict, and a fight.

I have found that it is easy to fall into squabbling-mode, and then start talking, defending yourself, justifying, and excusing, because apparently, you have to ‘talk back’. But do I really have to talk back? Do I really have to make it known how I oppose a certain idea/opinion, and then try to prove to the other person how my idea/opinion is better than their idea/opinion? No – I don’t – really squabbling is a polarity game between two individuals where both try to convince each other that they are right, and better than the other. Hence, when one of those individuals makes the decision to stop – squabbling will be no more – because squabbling feeds on the back and forth motion of the argument.

I see that there are some very effective ways of stopping squabbling – one of these is to in the moment when I notice I want to speak from within this slight movement of an urge to prove a point, or show a point, that I stop myself, breathe, and realize that I will not miss out on anything by letting this urge go. I will not miss a part of myself if I am not able to convince this other person to think like me, no, I will be just the same, like before, though, more stable, and grounded, and being able to focus on things that are of more importance than trying to convince others that I am right.

Squabbling takes time, it doesn’t produce any visible results, and slowly eats away at relationships – it’s not something supportive and hence shouldn’t exist within me – thus the remainder of this blog I will dedicate to self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements to support me to walk through this mind-pattern.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a squabble character, where I am squabbling with another, and automatically disagreeing, or agreeing, from a starting point of wanting to win, and be right, and have another see things from my perspective, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this squabbling-energy, and thus not see the consequences that I am creating through participating within, and being obsessed with this squabbling character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with squabbling, where I will talk back for the sake of talking back, and for the sake of that slight rush of energy that I feel when there is almost a conflict going on between two persons, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am limiting, and suppressing my real self-expression, my real beingness expression, because I am accepting and allowing myself to be intertwined, and sucked into this energy, where I don’t see the consequences of my actions, and the ripple effects of my words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change squabbling into stability, and communicating with a grounded stability here, where I do not accept and allow myself to squabble, but I instead remain stable, grounded, here – and have my words be a true representation of who I am as a being, and not represent a system of energy that comes up within me and demands my attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change squabbling into stability, and clear communication, where I as such do not accept and allow myself to voice myself, and speak from that slight urge, and desire to voice myself, and say something that I know will trigger, or set off another in some way, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am utilizing words deliberately to trigger another, to in that feel powerful, and strong, and justify this with thinking that it’s only teasing, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the underlying intent is not teasing, it is wanting to be in control, and wanting to win

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that another can’t allure me into squabbling, because it is always I that respond to a energy stimulant inside of me, and then I move myself on the basis of this stimulant, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can change a moment, and a relationship with another, through not accepting and allowing myself to respond to that urge, and experience coming up within me, of feeling that I want to talk back, or say something that might potentially cause an experience within in another in someway or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not a solution to talk back, because talking back implies reacting, it implies automatically and without awareness, immediately saying something to another, without considering the effect of the words, and without considering whether, or whether not I am able to stand with these words or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a solution is to talk – to direct – to speak to another in clarity – to thus accept and allow myself to forgive any reaction that might come up, and any urge of going into squabbling-mode – so that I am able to speak and interact with another in a clarity and comfort – in a stability – where I know who I am and where I stand – and I know where my words come from – why I speak them – and what the purpose of my words are – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be more disciplined and specific with my words and how I accept and allow myself to voice myself with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify squabbling with thinking that it’s something I need to get out in the open, that I need to rinse the air, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s not a solution to ‘rinse’ the air, because in that I am not directing anything – I am only trying to get my experience out so that I can feel comfortable and good about myself – which is not taking the other person into account what-so-ever – but is only taking myself into account and how I want to feel better through unleashing my experience within me on another

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a state of squabbling, where I experience a urge to talk, to talk back, to get my point across, and downplay another’s, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that through going into this state, and speaking in it, I am sabotaging my relationships with another, and I am suppressing my genuine, comfortable and grounded expression, thus holding myself back form in that moment communicating, and sharing solutions, and supportive ways to tackle, and direct my life and another’s – and thus I commit myself to change my communication to being stable, grounded, and clear – and use my words to assist and support and build solutions instead of creating energy through squabbling

When and as I see myself squabbling, or wanting to squabble, which is signified by the fact that I feel this urge, desire, and feeling of need to speak, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that squabbling doesn’t lead anywhere, and it doesn’t give me what I want to have, it doesn’t create cool relationships, and it will only bring, for a moment a exciting energy experience – nothing more – and thus I commit myself to instead value and place focus on the physical – on what I am doing HERE in this moment – in this breath – and how I can assist and support myself in this moment to create my life – my world – and my physical reality to be the best that it can be through the words I am speaking and the communication I am participating within

Day 242: What is real evolution?

What is real evolution? The general accepted view of evolution is that of external shifts in form, techniques, and designs – and mostly the word is connected to survival – and from the human point of view – evolution is most often seen in the context of career or spiritual awakening, aka enlightenment.

2000px-Human_evolution.svgLooking at my own definition of the point it’s clear that evolution has been connected to moving away from my parents, and ‘creating’ my own life, getting my own apartment, and my own first job, and standing on my own two feet in the world system. This is something I’ve come to define as being a freedom as well, because being away from my parents, I’m apparently free to create my life as I wish – and I can now do whatever I want to.

Interestingly enough events have opened up in my life where I know find myself living with my mom again, on the farm were I once grew up – on the farm that I used to define as extremely limiting, that is positioned in a small rural town that I resented in my teenage years for not being hip, and revolutionary. I wanted to get away from it, live in some big city, and ‘experience’ life – and I used to consider the people that stayed behind as being the biggest losers, because I thought that they were missing out on life.

And now, I find myself in that position that I before used to judge, and resent, and the fascinating thing is that – on a physical level – it’s great for me – the country side allows for a expansive, physical, and creative lifestyle, with lot’s of contact with animals and nature. Compared to living in the city, the farm offers a more calm, serene, and easy life – put plainly: There is not as much shit on the countryside. Though, on a mind level – I have had conflicts emerge – residues from my past conclusions and assumptions of the country life – were I defined this lifestyle as BORING.

Thus, I am now presented with a clear perspective on the irrational nature of the mind, because in the mind, we evaluate points on the basis of FEELING and EXPERIENCE and not from a starting point of PRACTICALITY – and this is obviously a big problem. So, from the minds perspective, I have seemingly regressed by moving back to the place were I grew up, and I have missed out on my evolution through not getting a place of my own, but instead opting to live on the same farm as my mother. In the mind’s eye this is a complete failure, because I am not out there in the world, exploring, having adventures, and acquiring knowledge through meeting and interacting with new points.

Though, is there anything that says that I am conditioned to not explore, to not experience, develop new skills, and new abilities while living on a farm together with my mom? Is there anything that says that I am physically more limited to create my life when I am living on the countryside where I used to grow up, compared to if I was living in a town, far away from my place of birth? The simple answer is NO – and here we get into seeing the REAL expression and definition of evolution.

Because the fact is that REAL evolution is not limited to the external reality, in terms of where we live, and the people that are in our lives, our jobs, etc. Real evolution is a decision we make, to in the confines and limitations that do exist in this physical world – regardless of where we live – move, express, and drive ourselves to expand – and this expression can come through in all places, in all contexts, in all situations – because it’s about WHO WE ARE.

For example, I live on a farm, with literally thousands of opportunities to start exploring various relationships with nature, animals, agriculture, construction, machinery, and so forth. Thus, even though I am living where I once grew up, it by far means that I know all parts of my physical surroundings, and it by far means that I have investigated all the various parts that together make up the thing we call country-life – such as for example: Gardening, driving a tractor, organizing equipment, caring for and supporting the various farm structures – the fact is that there is an entire existence before me that I have yet to delve into.

Though, what happens when I am in my mind thinking that expansion and self-creation is somewhere out there? Where is my focus? Well, it’s obviously OUT THERE, and in that I miss the opportunity of self-creation that exists HERE – the moments of self-expansion, and self-movement that are opening up HERE – those points are easily glanced over when the mind is set out to build something in the future.

Thus, the correction to this point, is to bring the world evolution back to the present, to see, realize and understand, that self-expansion, self-movement, and self-creation are words that can only be lived HERE – that no town, job, or career in the world can give me these words – I must give them to myself – and I must live them in my daily life – I must make them part of myself – and push myself to be present and aware here to see when a opportunity for self-expansion open up, so that I can walk into it, learn, experience, and evolve myself – develop myself.

To summarize: Regardless of where we find ourselves, with whom we live, what job we have, and what our circumstances are – WE have the power to expand, develop and evolve – we have the power to CREATE ourselves and make the best of what is here – that is UP TO US – nobody can do it for us – it is a decision that we make to participate and be aware of every breath, of every move we make – because only then are we able to recognize what is in front of our eyes, and walk into the opportunities that do unfold every single day.

Day 18: Test-anxiety – Fear of Feeling Useless (Part 8)

One reason that I fear receiving a bad grade – is because I fear how I will feel when I do receive the grade – I fear what thoughts will go through my mind, what images, and pictures might emerge.

am-i-worthless-message-question-text-words-Favim.com-339524The reason for this is because I’ve in the past – when I’ve gotten a bad grade gone into a experience of feeling useless, and bad – and I’ve felt that I was a failure – and within that experience the rest of my world seemed to be not relevant at all – and everything that was relevant was my experience of feeling bad that I didn’t receive the best grade. This is how it’s been for all my years in school – the grade – the comment from the teacher – the final judgment – that have always made such a big impact on me – both positively, and negatively – both with feeling super-good, and also feeling super-low.

Why is this? I mean – where does this point originate? What I am able to see is that it has to do with self-worth, self-integrity, self-respect, and self-love – basically who I am towards myself, and how much worth I consider myself having only by myself. I am able to see that through my life I’ve tried to add worth to myself through taking on various points – I’ve tried to add worth to me through playing sports, through learning to play guitar, through learning a new language – and also getting a good grade in school have also been another way to add worth to me – and the reason for this is because deep down I’ve felt that there is no worth to me – and that I need something to put unto me – like a Christmas tree receiving it’s dressing – for me to be able to be whole, fulfilled – and worth something.

This is obviously completely fucked up – because common sense is that I should be fine with me regardless of where I am in this world, of what I own, of what skills I have, or what education I have – that is real self-worth – and self-love – when the external does not determine who I am – but instead I determine who I am – because that is completely unconditional and not dependent upon slaves to be realized.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider, and define myself as having no inherent worth – and as being in essence worthless – and within this think that I must cloth myself with various experiences, and symbols in this world to gain worth – and to “become something” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself – to not love myself – and to not worth myself – to not see, realize and understand that I do not need something more than me to be worthy of living – worthy of loving myself

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worthy – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize education as my slave – to give to me worth – within me believing that I am not able to give worth, and love to myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself here as completely whole – and fulfilled – to see, realize, and understand that I am not able to create real worth through external points – but that real worth must be something that I live and create from nothing as myself – otherwise it’s a point of separation that I am using to not take self-responsibility for who I am

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself in create myself as self-love, and self-worth – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment – to blame school – to blame education – to blame friends – to blame my family – for me not experiencing worth as myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that it’s up to me to create me – and that this is because I am here – to create myself as self-worth, and self-love – and that this is what I am doing through making a decision within myself as to who I am going to be in a particular moment – and what I am going to live as – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and live self-worth, and self-love – as myself – through not being influenced by my external world and reality

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and emulate an experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that a actual – and real expression of self-worth, and self-love is not a short burst of energy – it’s not a feeling as feeling good – it’s a actual – one and equal – physical movement – and physical stance of myself here – as who and what I will accept and allow myself to express myself as – and as who and what I will accept and allow myself to exist, and live as; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – and being this process of self-creation – and walk this process of self-creation in every moment of breath – in every here – moment

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that worth, and love is to come to me – without me giving these points to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to go the lazy-route of manifesting self-worth, and self-love – through defining it in relation to a external point – and then trying to get the attention, and positive affirmation from that external point – instead of me willing myself to stand, and create, and live myself as self-worth, and self-love – and as such stopping the separation – stopping the attempt to have another give to me what I am not giving to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the simple common sense in understanding how I function – in understanding that I can’t steal, or take self-worth from another – but I must create, and move, and direct the point as myself here within and as oneness and equality – else it’s not real

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I consider, and define myself as being inherently, and in essence worthless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – NO – I am not inherently, or in essence worthless – I am here with the potential to create and birth myself as life from the physical – and I am here with the potential to decide what I am going to live in my life – and how I am going to life – as such I commit myself to take this gift of who I am – and utilize this gift as my potential to birth me as life from the physical – to see that this is real worth – and real value – and to bring this point to fruition – and fulfillment

2. When and as I see that am making myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worth – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I must create myself as worth, else worth is not real but only a mirror image in separation from myself – as a feeling – as a thought – and as such I commit myself to bring into creation real worth – and real value – and real living practically here – within and as physical self-movement – on a breath per breath basis here

3. I commit myself to take responsibility for myself – in creating myself as self-worth – and self-love – in practical self-movement – wherein self-love, and self-worth is not something that I try to generate through having others looking at me a specific way – or perceiving me in a particular way – but that it’s a point that I am living as myself – and walking as myself without being dependent upon another

4. When and as I see that I am trying to emulate a experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that good grades won’t give me self-worth, and self-love – good grades have nothing to do with WHO I AM – because WHO I AM is my responsibility and not the responsibility of my grades – as such I commit myself to take full responsibility for myself – and to stop utilizing my external environment to sabotage myself – in saying it’s my external environment that should give to me – instead of me deciding to give me to me

5. I commit myself to give to myself that which I’d like my external environment to give to me – as such I commit myself to give to myself self-worth and self-love – applying these points as – pushing myself in process – and walking through – applying self-forgiveness on reactions, and thoughts as they come up – and not accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within and as the mind – as experience – as thought – as limitation

Day 15: Test-anxiety – My Parents Must Approve (Part 5)

In growing up one of my primary motivators to earning good marks in school was my parents – simply because I feared disappointed them, and when I did get a low mark they didn’t seem to be very happy with me at all.

disappointed-parentsI remember at least two times when I’ve begun to cry in despair due to me feeling that the grade I received wasn’t good enough. It’s fascinating – because when I look at the point – I can see that I don’t really care. Meaning that – if my parents hadn’t become disappointed when I received a low mark – then it wouldn’t have been that much of a big deal to me – I am able to see that my grade-hunting-personality is much related to how I see myself in relation to my family.

Getting a good grade have been my way of making myself heard in the family – and make myself seen to my parents, and within this receive more attention than my siblings. Thus – my school work has been largely based upon a starting point of competition, wherein I’ve tried to put my all into my school, and the tests that I was doing, from a starting point of survival – wherein I’ve seen me receiving attention/love in the family as essential to my survival.

So – to keep my position in the family I’ve thus made sure that I receive good grades, and when I haven’t – I’ve experienced much emotional turmoil, and felt useless. The best memories I’ve in relation to getting a good grade – is when I’ve just gotten a fantastic score – and I run to my mother, or father – and I show them my test score – and then they cry out: “wow Viktor that is really good!” – this single momentary experience of happiness that I’ve felt emerge within me in these situations have been one of the major driving forces of my intense studying, and fear of failure in relation to my studies.

If it hadn’t been for this point – I am sure that I would have given up on school as a young child, and left school with nothing but average grades. That is quite fucked up – that I didn’t ever learn the importance of school, and to see that there is more to school than getting praise in the family – that your results in school will in effect determine the future of your life – I had no clue about this and instead motivated myself in school by some irrational, and irrelevant fears – as for example – the fear of my parents becoming disappointed with me.

Within this it’s also interesting to note that a consequence of me being dependent upon my parents judgment/attention in relation to my school work – has been that I’ve not developed a self-movement, and self-direction in relation to school/career/job – but I’ve instead followed what my parents have told me, or wanted me to do – and been fine with that. This is obviously something that isn’t cool at all – and that have resulted in me living my life to a large extent not for me – but for my parents.

Thus – the solution is to bring back common sense to school – to motivate myself with common sense – to see that school and my performance within it has practical effects on my future, and living environment – and that I am studying for myself – and not for my parents – and that fearing to make my parents disappointed is really a limiting, and self-compromising fear – that is consequential for my success and effectiveness in school.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents will become disappointed with me if I receive a bad mark on my school work, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move, and motivate myself in my school work from a starting point of fear – and from a starting point of thinking that it’s important for my survival that my parents give me attention – and judge me in relation to my school work positively

2. I forgive myself hat I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, and experience anxiety that I will loose my position in the family unless I get good marks, and fantastic grades on my school work – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a “position in the family” – to think that I am limited, and constrained to what my parents feel, and think about me – and to how much attention I receive from my parents in comparison with my siblings

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my participation in school influence my future – and is important for me – not because of fear of disappointing my parents – because of a practical point of seeing that my results in school will effect what sort of job I will be able to have in the future – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here to the physical – and see, realize and understand that I am now an adult – and as such able to take care of myself in this world – and I do not anymore need my parents permission to love myself – or – I haven’t ever needed that permission; as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of my fear of disappointing my parents

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself hostage in fear, and to become overwhelmed with fear in relation to my studies – and to think that I need, and require fear in order to be able to study for tests, and to be able to understand tests, and to be able to receive good marks, and results in school – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely upon fear, instead of relying upon common sense – and what is physically practical – and best for all

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the person that “always receives the best grades” – and when I do not receive the best grades – to then go into a emotional turmoil, and experience myself worthless, and useless – and think, and believe that there is now “nothing more to me” – because I’ve failed at this apparently completely essential point of getting the best grade possible – instead of accepting and allowing myself to BREATH – and to see that there is much more to me than what grades, and results I receive in school – and I don’t have to define myself according to what grades, and results I receive in school

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my experience at the school to be uncomfortable, and really not very enjoyable at all – and to make my experience of studying before exams to be this stressed, anxiety filled – hell – due to me fearing to disappoint my parents – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the gift of BREATH of letting go of this fear and bring myself back here – and participating – walking my studies – without fear – without anxiety – and without any form of self-judgment – simply walking it in silence – and breath here

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see and notice that I go into and as a fear that my parents will become disappointed with me if I receive a bad mark in my school work – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this fear is completely non-sensical – and also – completely useless – because it’s common sense that this fear only holds me back from developing and creating real self-motivation, and self-movement – as such I commit myself to walk my studies for ME within and as common sense what is best for all – and within and as fear

2. When and as I see, and notice that I go into fear that I will loose my position in the family unless I get good marks, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – my apparent position in the family is a mind-job – and not real – also – my position doesn’t determine who I am – and as is as such irrelevant; as such I commit myself to focus upon my studies – instead of fear of failing with my studies – as this is obvious common sense – just as how it’s common sense to focus upon living – and not fear of dying

3. I commit myself to become self-directed, and self-motivated in my life – and to see that my movement in my studies affect, and influence my life directly – and as such what my parents feel or not feel – that is really not relevant – but what is relevant is the actual consequences that happen in my life due to the results of my studies; as such I commit myself to stop focusing upon what others feel/think about my studies – and instead focus upon ME studying – and becoming effective at studying

4. When and as I see that I use fear in order to motivate myself to study, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I instead utilize self-enjoyment, and the strife to perfect myself in my studies – and become effective with within what I am doing to walk my studies – and as such let go of fear – as it doesn’t support me to live

5. When and as I see that I am defining, and looking at myself as the person that “always receives the best grades” – and when I don’t receive that type of grade – go into a emotional turmoil – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how I am not a grade, and I am not a mark – I am a being here – within the physical – as such not defined by what mark, and grade I receive – as such I commit myself to breath and be comfortable with and as myself here

6. When and as I see that I am making my experience of myself in school, and while studying for my exams – to be uncomfortable, filled with fear, and anxiety – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I shift my starting point – from wanting to achieve in fear of failure – to instead achieving for me – in seeing how specific and detailed I can become in relation to my studies – and how much I am able to develop a effective study technique and get the results I want to have – as such making my studies to a enjoyable game – and not a chore – and something that is boring, and must be feared, and resisted