Tag Archives: partner

Day 425: Rewarding Relationships

Relationships are hard work and that is why they are so rewarding. There is no thing you can buy that can create the same sense of fulfillment, intimacy and meaning. We can search for it in consumerism and money – and for a moment – when we buy something new – we might feel like we are on the top of the world. Though it is just that shock of adrenaline pouring through your veins – and when the drug is used up – the same feeling of melancholic emptiness will resurface.

Relationships on the other hand, when nurtured, will support you to develop a deep feeling of gratitude and warmth. It will support and challenge you to expand yourself, to learn, to develop your communication skills, your skills in handling conflict, and more. Hence – at the same time as it can occasionally be tough – it will bring rewards. For example, the reward of seeing your child grow and develop into a self-willed and loving individual. Or the reward of seeing the relationship with your partner take on new depths of intimacy. The more you push, the more you invest, the more you move beyond your resistances, the more you will get back.

It is unfortunate when relationships are scrapped in difficult times even though there is still potential left to be discovered. However because we take the situations personally, because we react and blame, it seems rational to call it quits. The way we handle relationships in such difficult times is similar to how we as a society handle things that break down. We throw it away and buy a new one. This is how it works in a throw-away society. We believe that everything can be replaced, easily, and that it is the right way to go, when things do not work. And similarly to how we are less in touch with the things we own (not many can for example repair a car these days) – we are also less in touch with the people in our lives. Our sense dependency towards one another has disappeared and have been replaced with the opportunity to buy something new.

The way I see it – we would all be happier and more content if we would start creating deep and meaningful relationships beyond the throw-away mentality. And in-fact – not only doing so with our people-relationships – but with the relationship we have with our animals, our things, our food and interests – all of our life in-fact. If we all would have depth – we would not feel so disconnected and disassociated – because we are part of a whole. We are not alone. That sense of being alone that is created in a society ruled by money, where seemingly there is no dependencies, that is false. The creation of our current consumerist system has made it more difficult to see how we are all connected and dependent on each-other – though underneath the surface – the dependency is there. And even though we might not anymore be dependent on our immediate neighbor – all of us on planet Earth shares the same destiny.

There are many new and interesting developments in the world where I see this urge to have depth and meaning flourishing into various kinds of events. For example, it has become popular to grow your own vegetables, to buy second hand clothes, and to buy food that is produced ethically. We do this because we want to get in touch with what is real and experience the fulfillment of having, caring for and investing ourselves into our relationships. The entire package – not only the experience of buying, owning and using.

I myself have for some time been growing vegetables. And it has helped me to see and appreciate the value in food and the effort it takes to produce it. When I buy my groceries in the store, it is impossible to see the process behind every product, and hence it becomes easier to take it all for granted. And I have walked a similar process with relationships to understand why depth and intimacy is not something that can be created in an instance – but that it requires effort and time to build.


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Day 452: Changing Another Does Not Work

What if we would never compare ourselves to another? What if, instead of spending our time thinking, wondering, dreaming, considering what others are doing, thinking or feeling, we invested our time into our own life? What if we made it our purpose to use each day fully to CREATE ourselves, so that we can be, the best that we can be. I imagine that life on earth would be wholly different if we did.

Currently, so much of our time is vested into thinking about the lives of others. We compare, want things to feel fair, desire others to be to us in a certain way, and because of that, we forget about our own participation. The focus is so much out there, where we perceive everyone else as the point to blame, as the reason for our lives not being the way we want it to be. However, I would argue, that this is all a strategy we use to not have to face ourselves. Because our own shit, that is tough, and that requires guts. It is easy to think that someone else is at fault, it is a lot harder to recognize how we as well are responsible for how things turned out.

Blame and anger. These are emotions that eats away at us. We might believe that we are standing up for ourselves when we decide to hold unto our anger against another. We might believe that we are doing the right thing when we catch another, and release our bent up irritations unto them. Though, at the end of the day, such inner conflicts and such outer conflicts, spurred by emotions, they never lead to anything constructive – instead there is more conflict, more emotion, more anger, resentment and hate.

What is forgotten is that the world is our mirror, and that what we feel about the world, that shows us something about ourselves. If we become pissed off at someone, because we feel that they are taking something from us, that only shows that we have an issue about that as well. Attacking the mirror does not help alleviating the conflict within, instead we have to turn inwards, and look at the source of everything.

While it might feel supportive to spend our time trying to change another, it is never realistic. I have never been able to change anyone. A few times I have supported another to change themselves, though, those few times, I have been completely stable and there has been no hidden agenda. The times I have had a hidden agenda, its not been possible to come through at all. We all know when we are being duped, and we do not want anyone to get into our heads – hence we will push them out. Thus, instead of trying to change my reactions by changing others, I know go directly to the source. And when I am stable, many times I have realized that it has not even been about the other, it has been all about me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change another because I am reacting, instead of pushing and willing myself to change the reactions I have towards them – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, how wanting to change another is a form of escapism, a way of trying to forget about myself and my process, make things easier for myself, to not have to see in what way I am responsible and how I am creating what is going on within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is always easier to take back responsibility to and as myself, to commit myself to look at how I am creating the point within me, and then to utilize the tools to support myself to get out of my rut – because I see that I can never move myself by trying to change another – by attempting to impose my idea of what would best for another to do – because I have to change myself – that is the only way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I am a individual – that even in a relationship/agreement – I am still a individual and I am not a pair – and thus any form of change/movement is my responsibility – and it is never something that I can put unto another – I have to live it/do it/walk it for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget my process of self-change/movement/direction – by placing my focus and attention on what my partner is doing and what my partner should change and what my partner should do differently – instead of me placing focus and attention on myself and my process and what I must do/live/create in order to make my life and the lives of others the best that it can be – and thus I see that placing focus unto me is self-empowering – because it is with myself that I have direct effect – here I can push for solutions/push for a way forward – and where I do not have to rely on another to be the way I want them to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do the changes that I see I have to do – and thus not focus on whether I perceive another is changing or not – as that only slows me down – that puts my focus unto stuff that I really cannot do anything with anyway –  and thus I commit myself to place my focus where it will make a difference – which is on myself – when I am focused on MYSELF and MY LIFE – MY WEAKNESSES – MY STRENGTHS – then I empowered and ready to make the changes that I need to progress and move forward

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am trying to change another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that when I am trying to change another, I am missing myself, missing the point where I have power to actually do something, because with others, I do not have that power, in-fact, I cannot change another, and thus my effort and focus is wasted – the real place where I should put it – where it will be of value/support – is on myself – and thus I commit myself to focus on myself – to live that practically through applying self-forgiveness when a reaction arise, consistently writing and redefining words, and walking my process practically – and to when I have a problem – first of all – bring it back to myself to see whether I am able to find a solution


Day 332: Facing The Dark With A Smile

Relationships, often portrayed with positive words such as love, appreciate, protect, secure, adore, etc., however, the truth of a relationship is something different. In Sweden, my country of birth, the divorce rate is at 50-55 % in relation to the amount of people getting married, and the median marriage lasts for 10 years. From those numbers it is not a big leap to say that the portrayed image of relationships is not wholly accurate. And expressed coarsely, the image broadcasted of relationships is outright deceptive. Without a doubt, the major part of any relationship consists of conflicts, misunderstandings, compromises, emotions, competition, and all other forms of dysfunctional human behavior that we all inherit and learn as we come of age. That is not strange considering that we always bring our baggage as we enter into a new relationship, it is thus, impossible to create a lovely and peaceful paradise on this earth – UNLESS – we have created OURSELVES as that in our individual capacity.

There is though ways to deal with the ‘human element’ that we unfortunately bring with us as we enter into a new relationship. In this blog I am going discuss one important tool to use in the creation of a comfortable and supportive relationship – HUMOR – or – the ability to be CAREFREE in the face of adversity. This point opened recently for me as I have noticed a tendency that I have to take things very seriously. For example, I will have a discussion with my partner that then becomes more of a intense disagreement, where emotions arise within me. Instead of looking at the reason for the conflict, and why I reacted, and how to solve it, so that I do not need to walk through the same conflict situation again – what I have done is that I have focused on the idea that it is WRONG to have conflicts/arguments. And instead of expanding myself, approaching conflicts from this judgmental vantage point results in suppression of what is really going on within me.

Suppression is and has been the modus operandi of us human beings when it comes to dealing with difficult shit since ages back, and it is so clearly visible in our society. What is prison, punishment, and social exclusion but a suppression mechanism, where we remove the ‘bad’ and ‘unwanted’ dimensions of our communal experience and put it away, far away and hidden from our immediate sight, instead of looking at WHY, and HOW it happened, and what SOLUTION there is to deal with the problem once and for all? The technique of suppression is also readily applied in parenting. When children cry, or behave ‘badly’, we look at ways to suppress the behavior, either through rewards, such as praising, or sweets, or through punishments, and consequences, though seldom, we look at the cause and origin of the troublesome behavior – and hence we miss out on the opportunity to create a sustainable and long-term solution.

The question to ask ourselves is thus, WHY do we have such a difficult time in looking at the DARK, MALEFICENT, HORRIBLE, and UNWANTED within ourselves, our relationships, and society? From what I have already touched upon above, one of the reasons for this is because we JUDGE it, we are too uptight about it, we take it personally, react to it, believe it is something bad, and that we must just, immediately, without further consideration, put it away – far away.

Hence, getting back to relationships, what is then the solution for this way of looking at the dark within ourselves? How can we assist and support ourselves to ease up and be less serious about the shit that is going on both within and without? The way forward as I see it is HUMOR – because it has the property of taking the edge of things, to make things seem silly, and remove that big, heavy reaction of something being sooo BAD. And here, I am not saying that humor should be the end point, because obviously, we have to learn from our mistakes, reflect and look at them, in order to move forward – however – if we look at our mistakes in a state of reaction – our focus will become misplaced. Instead of unconditionally looking at ways to improve, our focal point will be on determining how bad we have been, and how we must now punish ourselves, to apparently through that, motivate ourselves to not be bad again. Though, it is not important to determine how bad, and wrong we have been, that which is of real substantial value is to find a lasting, sustainable solution for the future, so that we are able to prevent further consequences.

HUMOR sounds like YOU-MORE – because through humor we are able to get back to that CAREFREE state of looking at things unconditionally – and thus we are able to SEE more of ourselves – see the reality of things – because humor disarms, it cuts through the defenses, and it allows us to get a glimpse of what is actually going on, which then puts us in a position to implement changes.

Hence, conflicts, disagreements, and in general, shit that happens in a relationship, a way to disarm the seriousness of it all is through HUMOR – through seeing the stupid shit that we do and that it is many times totally insane – how can we fight and argue about such pointless things and believe that it is absolutely a matter of life and death to get our version of the story heard? It is insane, and that is what makes it so HILARIOUS. Humor, hence, is an important tool in the creation of a effective relationship with our partner, and ourselves.

And how to then practically apply humor in a moment? Well, let us say that we are in a situation where I am having a disagreement with my partner about whether or whether not to tidy up after myself when I have used the kitchen, where I will then go to great lengths to explain, and win my partner over, to my way of dealing with the kitchen, where apparently my way of doing things is of great practical value. Instead, I could in that moment see how ridiculous it is that I am standing here, talking about such a absolutely insignificant thing as to how to clean the kitchen, defending my way of doing things with all I got, when it really has no value or importance to me at all.

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Day 330: The Battle of The Colliding Preferences

When I was still living by myself, I had complete freedom in how to structure my reality. I decided my routines, when I was going to do things, what I was going to do, how I was going to do it, and if I did not like the way I did something, I would simply change it. Then, I got into a relationship, and my partner and I eventually moved in together, and this opened up the world of colliding preferences. It is those small things that I would normally not even notice, that suddenly frustrates and irritates my partner – and for me – this has been challenging to understand and deal with – because for me – the things the routine things that I do are completely natural, normal,  because I have always done things like this.

Thus, yesterday, I was discussing this point with my partner, of our colliding preferences, and the issue of which of our preferences should be given precedence. It was interesting to look at this point, because many of our preferences have no practical origin. Instead, many times, our preferences are something we have built up using the example of our parents, what others have told us to do, where we have not really looked at what would be the BEST way of approaching reality. How often do we sit down to define our preferences to align them with what is best for all, and base them on a solid foundation of research and reflection? Very, very seldom, at least that is the case with me.

For example, cleaning the house, initially as I moved away from my parents to live alone, cleaning was not a priority what-so-ever. I considered cleaning to be boring, tedious, and unnecessary. I thought that it was okay with dust, grease, and dirt, not because I had made in-depth research on what condition of cleanliness that would be best for me, but because I had examples in my life, such as friends, with a similar preference with regards to cleaning, from which I copied my particular approach. Hence, I embraced a filthy home-environment, because that was my preference. However, when my partner got into my life, this preference was challenged. My partner was a lot more cleanly and had specific routines for cleaning her home environment. In the beginning, this made no sense to me at all, and I for a long time resisted this new kind of preference . This obviously caused conflicts, because that is the thing with colliding preferences, conflicts will ensue.

This led me down the road of researching my cleaning preferences, questioning them, and seeing if there was a better way that I could deal with certain points. I started to research the purpose and functioning of cleaning more closely, and in that I developed a deeper understanding of cleaning. Instead of it being an empty preference, something I did by routine, I started to shape my cleaning preference based on what was best for all. I realized that a clean living abode is very important to physical health, and to clean effectively, various products, and techniques must be combined. Through me researching and challenging my preferences, an entire world of new information opened up, and eventually my partner and I were able to reach common ground in relation to our cleaning practices.

So, yesterday, the point of preference opened up in relation to another aspect of my life, where I had one way I liked to do things, and my partner another. At first I defended my preference, but then I started to look deeper into the point, because I realized, that when two preferences are at war, this because there is no understanding of what would be best for all. Hence, this is how I looked at it. If the two preferences are very much subjective (based on arbitrary conclusions) such as for example, preference of color, then the person which cares more for their preference should be given precedence, as long as there is no practical consequential outflow that is created by manifesting the preference. And if the preference concerns a practical physical point such as how to clean the counter-tops or the placement of particular furniture, then consideration should not only be given to we care about realizing that particular preference, but also to the point of what, according to research and objective considerations, would be the best, and accordingly from which preference we, equal and one, would benefit the most.

Thus, the trick is to look at the preference from within and as the starting point of equality and oneness, and ask myself: What would benefit me ‘equal and one’? And this requires that I let go of my desire to hold unto my specific preference, and open myself up to new ways of doing things, and unconditionally look at what would be the best for the both of us. Hence, in this process, I am changing the battle of the preferences, into a internal journey of finding the best ways to live together with my partner, where it is not anymore about ‘my’ preferences, it is about creating harmony and balance between two individuals with regards do daily living routines.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my preferences as more important than anyone else’s preference, and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of my self-interest to instead be able to see the practicality of preferences – and select my preference on the basis of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for and defend my preference

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful that I will not be able to live out my preference the way I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hear what preferences others might, and not care about it either, because I only care for my own preference

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my preferences more than the preferences of others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider, that when there is a ‘battle of preferences’ – this might be because I have not slowed myself down to listen to the other person, hear him or her out, to see what it is that he or she wants, because maybe their preference is more efficient, and practical than mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my preferences even though I do no care for them very much, and even though I could simply, and without much inner conflict change my preference to something that would be more in alignment with my physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not protecting my preferences, in fear that if I let them go, I am going to loose myself, or part of my identity, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my preferences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that preferences, mostly, have nothing to do with me and a genuine self-expression, as it is oftentimes merely a routine, and way of doing or approaching things, that I have gotten used to and now apply in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to question my preferences, and as well, dare to let them go, seeing, realizing and understanding that this will not compromise, or lessen me, because my preferences are not me, but merely ways of doing things, and sometimes, ways of doing things that are not efficient at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create my preferences on sound research – and define my preferences on what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let myself unconditionally listen to the preferences of others and see if there is something that I am able to learn or apply in my own life – or whether I can up/change/direct my preferences to become more effective and in alignment with physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about how my preferences came to be – and that many times it was just something that happened because I was comfortable with it, and someone else in my life did similar, and that it was seldom an act of conscious/aware deliberation, finding the best and most harmonious way to exist within and as this world

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself fighting for and defending my preferences, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that there is really nothing within me that I am able to loose by unconditionally considering the practicality of my preference, and that I do not loose myself by letting go of or changing a preference, and thus I commit myself to unconditionally consider and look at my preferences to see whether they are efficient and best for all – or whether there is another way of doing things that are better and more suitable – and thus select and decide upon the preference that is best

When and as I want to hold unto my preference, where I am afraid of loosing it, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am not my preferences, that my expression, my self-honesty, and my individuality is not limited by my preferences, and by the way that I usually doing things, and thus I commit myself to embrace the new input coming into my life, and unconditionally question my preferences, with the aim and intention of becoming more efficient and aligned in physical reality


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Day 204: What is a Weakness?

Some days ago my partner became sick, and when this happened an interesting experience emerged within me, specifically in regards to the point of being sick – and that was irritation and anger.

So, the question then is why would I become irritated and angry when someone close to me is sick? And here the answer lies within what sickness represents to me – because being sick to me is a sign of weakness – being physically incapable of effectively caring for one’s life and responsibilities – that is something that I define to be a weakness.

The word to investigate is thus weakness – and how come that I see this word as some form of repulsive disease that must be suppressed and held back at every instance. Firstly, what weakness implies to me at the moment is basically not being able to stand solid and grounded and walk into the current world system, and not be able to push and will yourself forward even though the labor in the world system is challenging and demanding – weakness at the moment is thus a lack of survival skills or ability to survive.

What I see in this is that I’ve mostly related weakness to be in relation to the physical characteristics of human being, either the human being is strong, as in being able to physically handle many responsibilities, tasks, and jobs, or the being is weak as in not being able to handle many responsibilities, tasks and jobs. I’ve seldom looked at weakness as being a weakness of character – because it’s obvious that weaknesses can exists in several areas of one’s life – it can be a weakness that one accept and allow a certain emotional experience to possess oneself easily – or it can be a weakness that one doesn’t have the skill of relaxing and caring for the physical body – there is really a multitude of weaknesses.

But, the one of definition of weaknesses that stands out in my mind is not being able to survive, not being able to find food and nutrition, and build my life in such a way that I feel secure, and safe, and as I’ve got everything I need in order to get through. So, the reason why I get angry at my partner when she’s sick, would be because she is representing a weaknesses in my worldly survival skills, and that would then trigger reactions, fears and anxieties, as well as anger and irritation – which would then function as a form of alarm system in me that will initiate action, and make sure that I act to put my partner backing into an effective working condition where she’s not sick anymore – but ready to survive and make as money as is required. Though the problem here is that I act out in irritation anger, blaming my partner of not having optimal survival skills – and in that believing that through being angry, and irritated, this will somehow cause my partner to ‘get her shit together’, become healthy, and effective again.

I realize that this definition and understanding of weakness is limited, because actually being constantly possessed in a state of pushing myself to survive, not seeing and recognizing the rest of life that is here, that is also a weakness – and not being able to support and assist another in stability when they are sick – that’s also a weakness – so, it’s obvious that a weakness is not only in relation to money and survival but that it’s a word with several applications – and the one thing to remember is not to fear weaknesses, but rather recognize them, and then commit to walking a process of self-correction – or support – where one take the weakness and then turn it into a strength.

And for example, with my partner, this process of working with this weakness as the sickness, could be to support my partner with what she needs to curate, and take care of the responsibilities of the household, cook food and clean – so that my partner can relax and physically change her state of weakness into a state of strength through allowing the body to recuperate and refresh. Thus, not reacting to the fact that my partner is currently in a state of weakness – but rather assisting and supporting my partner to turn that weakness into a strength – and understanding that a weakness is nothing personal – it’s what it is and thus like a mechanic that make reparations on a car – I’m able to walk the same process with myself and my environment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety when my partner becomes sick, and judge this sickness as a weakness in survival skills, and think that this point is compromising my position in this world – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to handle this weakness through becoming angry, frustrated and irritated, and judging my partner for becoming sick – and thinking that my partner should immediately recuperate and come back to normal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and judge the state of physically ill and sick – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that I hold a fear of becoming ill and physically sick, because I fear that I would in that state of being not be able to care for myself or my life, and that I would not be able to survive effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive in this world, and effectively care for myself, and my future, and that this ability of mine will also be compromised if my partner gets sick

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner is going to get sick, in fear that I will then not be able to secure my survival in this world as effectively as I hoped I would – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear, wherein I fear that me or my partner will become subject to any sickness, or physical weakness, in fearing that this will effect our lives negatively, and that we’ll have a difficulty in surviving

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my partner get’s sick, to have my mind immediately go to money, and how much this sickness will affect the finances, and how much money we’re going to have till next month – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fearing not surviving, and fearing not having money are effective ways to deal with this problem, and that I will be able to get my partner to step up through being annoyed and irritated with her – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these reactions in no way assist and support – and that they do not change or alter the situation that is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my partner when she gets sick, and to judge my partner for being physically weak, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see weaknesses as something bad, and as a personal thing, that implies that the being is a bad being – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in this state of judgment, wherein I’m thinking to myself that this other person shouldn’t be weak, and shouldn’t be sick – because they apparently should be strong, and capable of dealing with these sorts of things, and continue to move themselves throughout their life, and not be affected by a sickness of this kind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of physical weaknesses, and believe that the moment I’m not able to perform fully in the monetary system in terms of earning money, and making a living – that this will be the end of me and my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear and any notion of a play-out that involves sickness and physical weaknesses – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to banish any and all such forms of weaknesses from my life through when they arise – become angry at them – try to ignore them – and push them away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist physical weakness, and when it emerge and come through in my world, to attempt and try to fight it off, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with the weakness, to not find ways and solutions that will bring the point to a conclusion that is best for all – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in irritation, and frustration towards these types of weaknesses instead of focusing on a solution, and how I’m able to assist and support in order to alleviate and construct a way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to physically stable and healthy, and fear that I won’t be able to make a living for myself in this world, because I don’t have the physical strength to create my life and build myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing power, loosing control and direction of my life, and having nothing that I’m able to do about it – and that it just happens automatically and without me being able to step in and say STOP HERE – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant fear, and worry that suddenly, and without warning, I’m going to loose control and direction of my life, and then not able to push into the direction that I’ve and desired that I would

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in life as someone that struggles and fights against the difficulties and hardships of life, and that it’s my role in this world to make sure that I survive even though my world seems to be all against me, and seems to be working towards me at all times, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, and define life as a struggle, where I must constantly fight to remain sharp, and on-top – and make sure that I am ready and able to deal with any and all problems, and fight them with teeth and nails – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow this to be my starting point – then this is also the experience of myself that I am going to create in my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am reacting in irritation and frustration because someone close to me, or myself, becomes sick or physically weak, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this anger and irritation in-fact comes from a fear of loosing control over my financial reality – and in that my future, and my life in this world – and thus have nothing to do with the sickness in itself; and as such I commit myself to assist and support myself or the other person in my life to become physically strong – to assist and support them through caring for them, and alleviating their physical world – through taking responsibilities for chores and other points that might slow down their process of recuperation

When and as I see that I am reacting in anger towards sickness, or another type of physical weakness, as not being able to effectively handle and direct one’s world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of dealing with the situation doesn’t work – that in order to find solutions I must be stable and see what is here without in anyway taking it personally or making it an emotional experience of any kind – and thus I commit myself to look at what I can do to support myself or another in transcending and moving through the physical weakness – and how I can be of a solid support for myself or another in walking through this point of being sick and getting out of it effectively and without a healthy human physical body

Day 139: Emotion as Divergence Tactic

Today my partner confronted me about how I didn’t in a moment consider all the possible outflows of my words, and how I’ve within that had created a risk that people in my world might create assumptions, ideas, and backchat, and start to formulate their own opinions about what I had said, and in that subsequently compromise themselves in some way. The fascinating aspect of this moment was that, as my partner was speaking to me, the experience that began to grow, and take precedence over all other things was that of me feeling hurt, and criticized.

As the moment was done, and the things had been said, all I could think was that my partner somehow didn’t say this nicely enough, and that she wasn’t sufficiently gentle, and forbearing. When I got the time I thus started to apply self-forgiveness on the point, and at first I focused on the emotions – feeling hurt, feeling sad, and criticized – I continued to apply self-forgiveness, yet there was something that wasn’t right, there was a dimension I was missing – so I looked at the point again.

What I could see was fascinating, because what had happened since the instance of my partner confronting me in regards to a particular physical application of mine, was that my full attention had gone into the direction of looking at the reactions, the emotions and the thoughts that had come up in that moment. So, in effect, I had completely circumvented the point that my partner shared with me, not given that point a single thought, and instead focused everything on my experience.

I saw in that moment that this is obviously a escape mechanism, that allows me to run away from that which is relevant, and to instead focus upon that which isn’t really relevant at all, which was me feeling hurt, and sad – those emotions I could simply breathe through – yet this physical point was in-fact that which revealed to me a opportunity for practical self-change – and that point had very conveniently disappeared from the ambit of my awareness in a maelstrom of emotions.

As I became aware of this point I re-directed my self-forgiveness application to deal with the actuality of what my partner had confronted me with, and in doing this some fascinating realizations opened up – and I realized that the main point that this moment had showed me was actually how didn’t accept and allow myself to live the word consideration – in making sure that when I speak and express myself – that I put a guard before my mouth – and that I don’t speak on a whim – but that I am instead considering what I am about to say and looking at whether what I am about to say would have adverse consequences for others – and then speaking.

The main lesson learned here is thus that, emotions are not the end-point, and more often than not we actually use emotions to cover up the essential realizations that a physical consequence or moment is giving to us straight up in our faces – thus – what I must practice is to become more attuned with physical reality – and dare to immediately let go of the emotions coming up as I face a physical point, so that I can see, and deal with the reality of what is here, and thus quantify my process of physical self-change.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how emotions is not the end point, and is not that which hides the actual practical correction, and realization, but is merely the energetic compounded effect that I require to release, to then get into the specifics and the actual physical nature of a point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of focusing upon the support and assistance shared with me in a moment, to give my attention to the emotions that I experienced coming up within me, that make all and everything in that moment to be about my experience, so that I can apparently have a valid excuse as to why I do not require to look at this particular point that my partner is sharing with me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is one of defense and protection mechanisms that the mind use to make physical reality elusive, and obviously something that I allow, and play along with so that I don’t have to face myself, and deal with myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice, and will myself to master the skill of immediately letting go of experiences that come up within me, so that I can focus and dedicate myself to see what is here, and direct myself according to what is here, and as such quantify my process of self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when an emotion come up within me, it indicates that there is a problem existing within me at a deeper level, and that the emotion is not the end of it all, and in some contexts the emotion is simply a diversion mechanism for me to not face what is here, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make sure that I don’t get caught in emotions, but at all times remain clear on the point that the actual point of importance is physical self-change, and physical self-direction – actual in a moment directing myself to step up and stand up from within and as my mind and become a self-motivated human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give attention to what goes on in my mind upon the basis of what I experience to be relevant, what I experience to be a ‘big point’ – and what I experience as being uncomfortable, and making me uneasy, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take a look at my physical world and reality, at my physical living and application of myself, to see where in my world, and in how I live, that there is the most acute need for attention due to how a particular mind-point influence me on a physical level – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself push hard points that are merely thought and experience based, and give in, and give up on points that are physically manifested in my body as automated reactions, instead of realizing that it’s these latter points that I should give my attention to, and that are important for me to walk through and direct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at the end of the day, what is relevant, what is important, and what is actually influencing my life the most, are points that are manifested on a physical level, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give priority and attention to these points that actually influence me physically, that have my body change, that have my heart rate change, that have my general beingness experience of myself change, and with these smaller points such as emotions that come up sporadically, or thoughts doing the same, to simply in the moment let them go and shift myself back into and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s very specific that the mind induces and allures me to focus on thoughts, and emotions, and that which feels difficult and hard, because it effectively nullifies any attempt of mine to change physical points of behavior that are much more influential, and consequential than merely mental points that have not yet accumulated into physical response patterns, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not re-structure my priorities in regards to process, to make sure that I place the most of my times and the most of my support, and assistance, on walking through those points which are physically manifested characters and behaviors which do not support me, or others in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when another is speaking to me, and pointing something out to me, to in that moment make the decision to listen unconditionally, to realize that it might be a point that is personally about me, but that it’s just a part of me, and not the whole of me – it’s not the entirety of me that is wrong, or bad – it’s just a application of mine that hasn’t been effective – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally in that moment take a look at myself, to question myself, to question my intentions, my behaviors, my outlook, and my perspectives, to see whether or whether not what is shared is in-fact so – I mean I have nothing to loose and all to win in applying this particular practical application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I am confronted by another in regards to my behavior, to in that moment push myself to really listen, to really HEARE – to be HERE – and to accept and allow myself to unconditionally and without wanting to hold unto any idea and perception of who I am – listen to the information and allow myself to consider it and take into me without any fear – because I realize that there is really nothing to loose – and if the information happens to be ineffective and I would apply it anyway – this is something that I would be able to see and then correct at a later stage; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to let go of any idea of myself – and who I am – and where I am – and accept and allow myself to humble myself – because I see, realize and understand that only through humbling myself will I be able to learn and expand and grow in my process of self-expansion and self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I perceive that another is being reactive, or angry in the way they are confronting me with a particular point, to use that as a reason for why I am now allowed to feel hurt, and to focus all my attention and awareness on my experience of feeling hurt, instead of see, realizing and understanding that whether another is reacting, or not reacting, it’s not relevant to my process of self-change, that I must discipline myself to make sure that at all times I remain here – and I dare to face the points that come up in my day to day life and living – to as such quantify my process so that I am able to change and birth myself as life from the physical

Self-commitments

When and as I am being confronted by another in regards to a particular points, and I notice I am reacting in feeling hurt, and sad, and criticized, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in giving my attention, focus and awareness on the emotional experience, I am in-fact missing out on a moment of self-expansion, and self-movement, wherein I could in-fact learn something, and see a new dimension, and aspect of myself that I haven’t yet considered – and as such I commit myself to focus upon what another is saying – and to look within me and embrace the information and take it in me unconditionally – and consider it without any fear of loosing myself – because I realize that I can’t loose myself – but I can loose out on this moment of self-expansion through making it a moment dedicated to reaction instead of life as living

When and as I see that I am entirely focusing upon the emotion coming up within me in regards to a particular moment, or a point that I am looking at, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that – yes – the emotion must be dealt with and released – yet the actual point of self-expansion and self-movement will not be found in the emotion but I must go deeper and look at the very origin point of the emotion – the structure within me through which I’ve created the emotion – and as such I commit myself to through self-forgiveness, and writing – go deeper into the points I am working with – to clear the initial experience of emotion or feeling – but then push myself to go deeper into the point and look at the timeline, the thoughts, the memories, and the how of the experience, and how I can correct it in real time, and anchor self-change in the physical through practical, physical living

Day 138: But You Should Know By Now!

Continuing with the pattern of annoyance, which has come up recently in my world. The context of the point is that I am assisting and supporting my partner to take her driving license and thus I require transferring all the knowledge that I’ve gathered through driving cars to my partner. Before taking on this project it looked very simple, and in my mind I considered myself to be a good and patient teacher – someone that would be supportive regardless of my partners performance – though this idea of myself have recently been annihilated.

I’ve observed myself, and I am able to see that I frequently become annoyed with my partner, and it’s in particular when my partner express confusion, or uncertainty in regards to a point that I feel we’ve already gone through, and that I consider to be simple – and that I myself can do without any effort. So, here I see that I am expecting my partner to feel the same way I do about driving, and that when I find something to be simple, then this must be so equally for my partner. When this proves to be wrong, instead of dealing with the situation, explaining the point again, looking at specifically what it is my partner have difficulty to understand, I go into this annoyance, and usually remain in the annoyed experience for quite some time – time that I could’ve instead used to actually assist and support my partner to learn driving the car.

Thus – this is the point that I am going to take on and work more with – AND – to ANCHOR (for reference see HERE) this point in the physical – I see that what I am able to do as a correction for when this annoyance comes up within me is to take a Breath – a real long and deep breath – and then say STOP – no need to get annoyed here – rather focus on what is required to be done – which is to support my partner to take her driving license – a process that will not go faster if I accept and allow myself to get annoyed. And then I let go of the annoyance – and if it’s still lingering in me – I allow myself to laugh heartily at the mistake my partner did – and realize that it’s really NO BIG DEAL – then I get back to the matter at hand – which is to support my partner with her driving license.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed when and as my partner does a mistake, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the illusion that my partner should already be beyond that, and not anymore make such mistakes – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations on my partner as to how effective, and far in her process she should be, and how fast, and much she should learn – instead of accepting and allowing myself to let go of my ideas of what should be here – so that I can instead work directly with what in-fact is HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach challenges, situations, and beings in my world from within and as a starting point of illusion, the illusion being that I have a expectation on this person, or situation and that I believe that this point should behave according to my expectation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is completely delusional to have a idea, and expectation as to how something should work and behave in my environment, and then become annoyed when that particular point does not work as I expected it to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with things as they are, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed, frustrated, and irritated when things are not as I want them to be, instead of realizing that its absurd to believe that things in this world are to be as I want them to be, and that its really preposterous to believe that my world is to change, and become according to my wants – obviously that is not how the physical functions – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rather work with what is in-fact HERE within and as this physical reality moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that any form of expectation or want occurring and coming up within my mind is really complete bullshit, because it’s evident that nothing in this world is constructed according to how I think, and according to the positive and negative reactions in my mind – and thus to expect that anything is going to work according to, or function according to how I imagine things in my mind – that is simply absurd, preposterous and ludicrous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I, or my partner make a mistake in learning something new, that this is not a huge problem, that it’s not something done deliberately, that it’s not something to punish, or extinguish, but that it’s rather simply a mistake, that it’s simply that some knowledge have not been effectively integrated into the physical, and thus there is more support, more nourishment, and more tendering required, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand and comprehend the process of learning, and how it’s really unnecessary and a waste of time to blame the physical for not being as fast, and speedy as I want it to be in regards to learning and integrating new information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be indoctrinated into believing the it’s a virtue to learn things fast, and that the opposite, of learning things slowly, must be punished, and attacked, because it’s apparently this bad characteristic that must be fought and removed, as it’s a pest – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that this is simply how the physical works, that some things some people learn slowly, other things they learn fast, while the opposite is true for other people – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with what is here, and to not align myself with how my partner is learning, the speed at which she is integrating the information, and as such be here and support my partner in this integration process instead of accepting and allowing myself to react in annoyance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of whether I become annoyed or not, the physical will still learn in the same pace as before, because the physical is simply expressing itself as its ability to learn, and it doesn’t care about my expectations in my mind, it’s simply here and it have a particular pace in which it is integrating information, which is something that I am not able to affect – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with the learning speed of the physical, to work with the physical, to walk with the physical, to learn with the physical, and not anymore accept and allow myself to fight against the physical and be in this constant struggle to attempt and try to tame the physical to be according to the expectations existing within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the physical can’t be tamed, meaning, that the physical can’t be changed through me becoming annoyed at it and wanting to for example, learn faster – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s pointless to fight against the physical, and that it’s obvious common sense to instead facilitate and work with the physical, to look at the learning process and where it can be more aligned to work with the learning abilities of the physical body – instead of just getting angry, and annoyed and thinking that the learning process should go faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I am reacting in annoyance towards my partner, I am in-fact spending physical time, inside my mind, physical time that I could’ve instead utilized to calmly, directively, and specifically, instructed my partner, to become more specific, and more effective, and thus I see, realize and understand how emotions of the mind are in-fact counterintuitive – that when going into the mind, becoming annoyed, when is missing out prime time, physical time, that could’ve been used to move the physical reality to a point of effectiveness and accomplishment – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the ineffective nature of the mind, and that in this physical world and reality – reacting to what is happening is not and will never be an effective way to deal with things – and thus if I want things to move and be accomplished – I must remain HERE – BREATH – and not accept and allow emotions of the mind to conquer and possess me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am becoming annoyed with my partner, or anyone else for that matter, in a situation where I am teaching, or somehow working with a project, or point that moves according to time and space, and I within that have an expectation that it should move at a certain pace – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring it back here to myself, and I see, realize and understand that I am LIMITING myself and in-fact living counterintuitively when and as I accept and allow myself to go into annoyance – because I am spending time in my mind that I could instead spend here with and my physical body – to in-fact move the point I am working with forward; thus I commit myself to BREATH – to be patient and walk with the physical – to state with me that PATIENCE is PACE SENSE – thus I walk with the PACE of the physical – nothing more and nothing less – and annoyance won’t help me to do this – thus I get back here to the physical and I walk free from emotions

When and as I see that annoyance is still lingering in me, in is lying inside of me like a carpet of emotion, dulling my senses and my expression in that moment, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in this moment I require to physical, practically move myself out of this state of being – which can be done through physical movements, through talking, through laughing, through breathing in and out, through becoming aware of the environment, in essence physically moving myself within myself to get out of the emotion; and thus I commit myself to experiment in the moment with various ways to move myself out of this dullness – and I commit myself to try out LAUGHING as a way to move myself out of this possession

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