Tag Archives: path

Day 401: The Less Walked Path

My wife and I are in the process of arranging how we are going to move forwards with our daughter in terms of daycare. It is not a easy process – because the system is designed to facilitate a type of daycare that neither of us are satisfied with. And to do something different – a lot of effort is required. This is what I would like to explore in this blog – how the system as it currently functions has certain known paths that are a lot easier to move upon – and that there are alternative paths but that these are more difficult. And a weakness I have noticed in myself is that I will rather pick the easy path instead of picking the path I want – because the easier path is predictable and safe – while the difficult path requires effort, courage, determination and steadfastness.

I have several reasons why I tend to pick the easier path. One is that it makes me feel comfortable – I think that if everyone else does it – then it must be okay – because everyone else cannot be wrong, right? Though deep down I do understand that the mass is many, many times completely out of touch with reality. This is for example what happens in the creation of financial bubbles. A lot of people come together and form a belief that some form of asset is really valuable and that it will continue to raise in value infinitely. And then the price of this asset is pushed up until people start to question the value of the asset, or some other event occurs, that suddenly implodes the belief that the asset is infinitely going to raise in value. Then it drops, fast, and many lose their money in the process.

Thus far in my life I have made a couple of decision where I went against the grain and it has been difficult each time – primarily because I doubted myself. An interesting point however is that I am now very satisfied with these decisions and how they have played out. Because when I went against the grain I made sure that I did the research and that I knew what I was doing. That was something I needed to do as I could not rely on this feeling of safety that I am able to derive from seeing many others doing the same thing. Obviously that feeling of safety is irrational and deceptively reassuring. The only way of achieving real certainty with a decision is by doing my own independent research.

It is also not possible to trust the decisions that others make because many times they themselves do not know what they are doing. Outwardly they can present a cool, collected and rational facade – however internally – they can be driven by a variety of desires, fears, anxieties and or the deceptive feeling of safety that following the herd can create. Very few people make extensive research before committing. An example of this would be the current tendency to move to bigger cities and leave the smaller countryside cities. Many do this in the belief that it is going to provide them with a better quality of life. However – the facts in my country of origin indicate the opposite – which is way I decided to position myself in a smaller city. I doubted that decision a lot – though in retrospect I am able to see that my estimations were correct.

If we go back to the reasons as to why I tend to pick the easier path. A second of these is that it does not require much effort. When I go with the flow, there is already a system in place, I do not have do any creative work, as everything is already developed and streamlined – all I have to do is step into the stream and it will take me where I wish to go. Hence – I can sit back, relax, and not have to worry – and rest in the false belief that everything is taken care of. That is not how it works when I decide to go against the flow. Then I have to work to find solutions, I have to put in effort and move through physical and mental barriers to reach my goal. And many times I cannot be sure on the outcome. Even though I put in the hours – it does automatically imply that I will succeed. And that is also something that I fear. I do not want failure, mistakes and falling in my life – though that is what I am at risk of experiencing when I decide to travel upon the path least chosen. I will not be certain until I reach my destination – whereas when I chose the path of least resistance – I can rest in the comfortable feeling that everything will be all right.

I do understand that my reasons for wanting to pick the easier path are irrational and primarily based on desiring an easy life. Though what if I decide to be satisfied with an easy life and just following the path of least resistance – where is that going to leave me? Is it ever possible to be genuinely satisfied if I just do what comes naturally and easy for me? Will I ever feel as if I have created something if I go into an already established structure? I will have to say that I need challenges to grow and that there is no reason for me not to try to create the life I really want instead of settling for a mediocre existence that feels safe. The notion of safety is very deceptive as well – because even though I might feel safe, comfortable and secure with my decisions – everything can change in an instance. My house can burn down, war can erupt, nature catastrophes can strike – hence we are never really safe and secure – there is always a risk.

Thus – the path less walked will be my route of choice – challenging myself, doing new things, and venturing into new directions, that is what makes life exciting. And failures will be a part of a new direction – that is inevitable. And thus – we should never view failures as something negative and bad – it is simply part of the learning process, part of the expansion, and it shows where we are not yet mastering our new direction.


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Day 366: What is success to me?

What is success to me?

It is an important question, because unless I know and I am clear on what is success for me personally, then how will I be able to achieve it? It is not possible. I will instead chase mirages, success as defined and seen by others, and not live according to my self-honesty.

The question has arisen within me due to reactions that have come up within when I am confronted with friends, acquaintances, that I feel have begun to climb the ladder of success, and that has achieved positions of high stature. It could also be that they have achieved fame or notoriety in some other way. The reaction is still the same, it is that of jealousy and fear. Jealousy that I have not achieved their position, and fear that I might have wasted/missed my opportunities to place myself in such a successful point.

Thus, the fascinating thing is that my desire is not directed towards achieving their position from a point of wanting to have their experience, as could be the case if someone has a job that I would like and find interesting. My desire more has to do with gaining the position in order to impress upon and show others that I have been able to achieve such a position/standing of success. That is what it is all about, wanting the positive attention that I perceive someone is receiving in the particular position.

In analyzing this desire/jealousy and bringing it back to myself, I can conclude that I would not have experienced jealousy/desire if I would have felt that I am receiving a sufficient amount of attention/validation/confirmation in my current position. That begs the question, why is it that I feel I need my success/live/movement in this world to be validated by others? That is in-fact a serious limitation, as I will continuously only pursue that which I suspect I will be able to get my validation and attention. And when those things have subsided, I will drop my venture, and yet again go searching for a way to achieve the attention/validation/respect I feel that I deserve. I have played this loop out a couple of times.

The solution is to define my own success and to practice validating myself – to stop myself from comparing my life – what I do – my skills – my future – to that of others – as it will only ever cause me to go astray and miss what is important to me – what is my success. And there will obviously still be the temptation to continue in old tracks. Though it is clear that when I am constantly looking out there at what everyone else is doing, then how will I ever be able to focus at what I am doing? How will I be able to focus at where I want to go, what I want to do? It is not possible – hence the importance of letting others do what they are doing, and developing within me the skill of validating and recognizing myself.

What is success to me?

To me success is to care for myself and others. It is to choose a direction in life based on where I am able to best support myself and others to be the best they can be. Success to me is also to challenge the status quo and to contribute to a change in how the system operates. Further, it is a success for me to dedicate myself to my process of self-creation – to stick to this process, to continue to develop myself, to expand, to move and to walk it until it is done.

When I live these words in my life – that is success to me.

 


Day 164: Dreams As A Solution

A continuous thought pattern and experience, that I’ve written about before, but not yet walked to completion, is that of anxiety, and fear of the future – and I see that this particular point is of such magnitude, that it actually clouds me from seeing in which direction I require to go, and move myself, and how it would be beneficial for me to walk in the world system, as well as in my personal life.

What I see about this fear is that it comes up within me in the shape and form of dreams and fantasies, it begins either with a initial excitement, or with a slight brush of anxiety, and this is related to the future, and the dream and fantasy contain a preferable play-out wherein I will achieve something, get into a particular position, or acquire some form of possession that will make me feel comfortable in life, or increase me stature in the system.

An example would be that I’ve recently had dreams and fantasies come up in my mind in regards to education, wherein I’ve pondered whether I should walk two educations at the same time, or but one, and I’ve in this dreaming considered how much more secure I would be in the world system if I was in a position of having two educations, and also become excited in terms of seeing myself in the future with much knowledge, and understanding of how a particular point out there functions.

Thus, what I am able to see is that my dreaming, and fantasizing about the future has two dimensions: it has a fear dimension, wherein I fear for my survival, and I use dreams, and fantasies to create solutions for that fear, to calm myself, and make me feel more confident about myself – the other dimension is that of being excited, which indicates that there is a word I am able to live, and bring back to myself here – and what I see is that the word my dreams, and fantasies represent is that of self-expansion – and thus I am able to bring that word back to myself HERE, and practice applying and living it as a daily living application.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fantasies and emotions to build up, and support my fear patterns, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my future, and to fear for my survival, and to fear that I won’t be able to effectively secure for myself a position wherein I am able to gain money, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of panic, and anxiety within me, wherein I use dreams, and fantasies to create alternate reality’s and dimensions in my mind, to create some form of feeling of safety in me, and that I am in control, and that I know what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety that I am going to loose control, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within, and as a fear of not being able to predict my future, and plan my future exactly, and be certain and sure about what is going to happen in the future in terms of money, survival, and my relationships, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a fear of survival, instead of developing self-trust, and pushing myself to walk in breath, and to stand in the system and direct myself to my fullest potential according to what is here in this moment, and according to how I am able to move myself in order to create benefit and support for myself on a physical basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety towards being alone in the world system without an education, without a skill that others want to have, without having access to relationships that make me feel comfortable, secure, and stabilized in my world and reality, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into and as a survival fear of the future, wherein I perceive, and define myself as being insufficient, and not effectively enough equipped to take on and walk the world system, and walk myself into a position of economic and physical stability and support, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fear, anxiety, worry and concern, instead of stabilizing myself here, establishing a plan for myself, and then directing myself according to this plan, and not accept and allow doubt, fear, worry and concern to creep in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of my future, fearing that I won’t be able to direct myself in the competition that exists in the world system in regards to getting money, employment and creating a future for oneself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself, and exist within and as a starting point of constantly trying to find ways to increase my value, and worth on the job market, in fear that unless I do that, I won’t be able to stand the competition, and I won’t be able to create anything of worth, and value with my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to perceive and define myself as being inferior, and less than the system, and less than employment, and less than money, and think that the only way I am able to handle this, and walk it all through, is through me going into fear, and subjugating myself, and making myself a eager slave

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of myself that I am not a good employee, and that I have difficulty to survive and move myself in the system, and that I am overall, not very effective when it comes to social relations, or establishing networks, or getting things done, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is going to happen with me, and how I am going to deal with, and walk through this world, when I am finished with my education, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself, and think that I am not able to take care of myself, and I am not able to take care of my own life, and I am not able to focus, and apply myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my reliance, and my force of movement in the hands of fear, wherein I want and desire fear to move me, and I want and desire anxiety to move, to take care of me, and put me in a position in which I feel safe and secure in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intertwined and constantly busy within and as a anxiety, stress and fear towards the future, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to constantly exist in a state of ‘what-if?’ – wherein I exist in a fear of what might happen, and how things might go, and a fear that unless I each moment push myself to survive, and control things, that my life is going to go down the drain, and that there is going to be nothing I can do about it, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear, and anxiety of becoming but slave labor in this world, and loosing my position of being comfortable, and having a easy, and stable life, and instead facing the darkness and the unpredictability that exists within this world for those that have no access to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming overwhelmed with the system, to fear becoming engulfed, eaten and devoured by the system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a mode of protection, wherein I constantly attempt and try to make sure that I have control, in fear that unless I walk this control point, that the system is then going to take control of me and lead me astray, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in control, instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself, and see, realize and understand that I am actually able to walk into the system, to apply myself in the system, yet this doesn’t have to affect me in anyway what-so-ever – and I can actually utilize the process of walking in the system to support myself to open up points, and to stabilize, and ground myself even further in my self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and go into a constant state of anxiety and worry, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it, and define it as being normal for me to worry, and think that it’s a natural behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this anxiety, and question this worrying, and see, realize and understand that I am able to do something about this state of anxiety and worrying, that I don’t require to live, and move myself and exist in this state of energy, but that I am instead able to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and motivate myself on a physical basis, wherein I am not moved by and through energy, but moved within and as my own decision for me to move and direct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that there isn’t enough time for me, and that I am not using the time that I have sufficiently effective for me to have an impact in my own life, and for me to complete, and get done my responsibilities, and commitments, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear of loosing time, and a worry, and anxiety in relation to loosing time, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I exist within and as a fear of loosing time, and a fear of not getting things done, and fear of not having sufficient with time, then this is what I am creating for myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself back into and as my human physical, back to my breath, and instead of existing in a fear of loosing time, live and participate and move myself here equal with time, and walk with breath, and create myself with breath, and not be out of breath all the time

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am moving, and applying myself in my life, from a starting point of fearing to loose time, and feeling that I have to little time, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this point of fear of loosing time in-fact makes me loose time, and that as such, the solution is to live HERE with and as time, and not in fear of loosing time, or feeling that I have to little time; thus – I commit myself to breath and walk with time, with breath, with my body here, and not project myself into my mind

When and as I see that I am going into a state of looking at my future from a starting point of fear, and anxiety, wherein I am planning, and trying to get somewhere, to secure my position in the system, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am here, and that my potential to direct and live myself is HERE and not out there in the future, and thus I commit myself to live, direct and move myself HERE – to work with what is HERE in my life and stop believing that my life is out there in the future – I am here

Day 110: Fact or Feeling?

I am currently listening to an interview series called “The Crucifixion of Jesus” – and the topic is wants, and how we from want create fears.

The pattern goes like this – we first state that we miss something, after that we go into a state of wanting that thing, and after that we go into a fear of loosing our want, and this is something I can relate to in regards to careers and money. Because, for quite a long time I’ve been wanting a specific career path, wanting a specific type of job, and within this I’ve gone into a fear, and anxiety that I won’t be able to attain and get this particular position.

So, I am in this blog going to look closer at this particular point, of how I create wants, and then go into fears about not being able to attain those particular wants, instead of creating a direct relationship with a want, and creating such a point in practical reality, through practical living, and not through utilizing any form of fear, anxiety and nervousness.

In relation to this particular point, with career, and money, another point is worth to be mentioned, and that is the point of how I tend to dream, and imagine things to happen in the future, and within this create wants, but not really having a clear and actual understanding of the practical point that I am actually desiring and wanting. For example, in regards to careers, I’ve wanted to have this specific career-path, yet in looking at the point for what it is, looking at the information that is out there describing this particular career-path, I am able to see that what I hoped that this would, is in-fact not real – and thus the job in it’s actuality is not in-fact in anyway resembling the want existing within me, because the want is merely a energy, and a experience, connected to particular fantasies, and it have nothing to do with reality in-fact.

Thus, within this I see how important it is to remain practical, and to make sure that within one’s decisions, that one take reality into consideration, and act according to what is practical, what is physical and what is real, and not according to how one feel about a particular point, because the feeling, it’s simply not real, and it doesn’t actually show or describe what is real – it’s just that – a positive feeling one have about a particular outcome or result, but with no understanding of what that outcome or result actually represents.

The most effective way to walk in this life, is to walk without creating any form of feeling attachment towards one’s external reality, because in walking like this, one will be able to act and make decisions according to what is real.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider points, and make decisions as to what I am to do with my life, and how I am to live my life, according to energy, according to feeling and experience – instead of looking at the reality of the situation, and looking at what is in-fact here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire, and want points from a starting point of how I feel about them, instead of making a decision to manifest and create a point into my life and reality, because I see that it’s common sense, I see that it’s effective, and I see that it benefits me on a practical physical level

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk in my life, to direct myself in life, to make decisions, and to consider points, from a starting point of how I feel about them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in relation to career, create a particular positive energy towards a particular career path, and want and desire to walk this career path, without making the actual research as to what this career path entails on a practical and physical level

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a career decision without first researching what a particular career path implies on a physical level – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind to direct me in my life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this particular way of moving myself in life is not at all effective – because what happens is that I make decisions and then I have no clarity and context as to the actuality of what the decision implies, I just make the decision and then hope it’s going to turn out as I desire and want – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – stabilize myself here within and as breath – and as such make decisions from within and as a starting point of what is practical – and not from within and as a starting point of desire or want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it’s obviously not in anyway practical or relevant to who I am, to make decisions according to how I feel about points, simply because it doesn’t matter in terms of my physical existence and experience of myself – because what matters – what is relevant – is my physical existence and world – is what is here and what I am able to touch and cross-reference and make sure for myself is in-fact what it is; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my way of looking at this world and the various opportunities within it – from feeling to instead looking at what is practical – relevant on a physical basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a want, from within and as stating within me that I don’t have that particular thing, I miss that thing and apparently need that thing to complete and fulfill me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead make a decision from within and as a starting point of what is practical – what is relevant – where I see that a position in the system would be effective for me to go into; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and accept and allow myself to push myself to work with what is real – and not work with what is here from a starting point of feelings and emotions as experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact making completely irrational decisions when I accept and allow myself to move and direct myself from within and as a starting point of feeling and experience, instead of looking at what is here – looking at what is a physical actual reality – and thus moving myself from the research that I’ve made and that I can cross-reference with another to be accurate and effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from within and as a starting point of want, and desire – as feeling that I need and must have a particular outcome in my world else I will somehow not be fulfilled and I will be missing out – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact limiting myself extensively through holding unto this particular idea of how I must move myself in my reality – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to move myself practically here – to realize that the dreams, fantasies and imaginations that come up in my mind – they are in-fact no relevant as they do not show me a proper and relevant picture of reality and thus are not reliable in terms of utilizing these as sources upon which I base my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of what career-path I decide to walk, the point that will remain the same is who I am here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a particular career path doesn’t define who I am, doesn’t create who I am, doesn’t make me – it’s simply something that I do at the time-being in order to ensure that I have a sufficient amount of money at my disposal so that I am able to walk my process internally and externally and bring forth and create a money system that is best for all – wherein I won’t anymore have to hunt for money but where money will be here at my disposal and I such can utilize my time to things that are more important and relevant than hunting for my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all career-paths in the system are in someway limited, and that regardless of what path I choose, none will be completely fulfilling and effective, because that is not how the current system is structured; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, frustration and despair at the fact that I will have to in a way “lock myself into” a particular position in the system to make money to survive – instead of realizing that this is nothing to react towards – it’s simply how the system currently functions – and thus in order to walk my process this is what I must align myself with and direct as myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a reaction when I stand before a point, as a career-path, wherein I realize that in order to walk this career-path I must dedicate and put down massive amounts of time, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear and anxiety towards the point of loosing my time, loosing out on my life, and loosing out on my self-interest as my freedom to do what I desire and want in my life, at any time when I want; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – bring myself back here – and see, realize and understand that in order to become a part of this system – I must embrace and walk in the system – for a moment – and that this is obviously nothing bad or wrong, it’s simply what it is – and thus I walk in the system while I at the same time make sure that I dedicate my other time to the point of creating a new system that will be best for all – so that I do not anymore have to spend so much time assuring my survival but that my survival will be a given

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I want to make a decision in regards to my future, in regards to career, and in regards to what I should do with my life, upon the basis of a want, or a fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that motivating and moving myself from this particular starting point as fear is obviously completely ineffective – because common sense dictates that a feeling or a fear can’t in anyway show me what is the best decision as it’s not based on a factual research; as such I commit myself to make decisions upon the basis of actual research as researching the actual physical points that are here – and not walk and move myself in accordance with how I feel

When and as I see, realize and understand that I am looking at a point from a starting point of a emotion, or feeling, such as wanting, desiring, or fearing – and I am about to make a decision – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that a decision can only be effective when it’s based on the REAL facts – as the facts that are proven – and that a imagination, a fantasy, or a dream, can’t be used to make an effective decision as these points are not real; as such I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and make decisions, move myself, and direct myself in my life, in accordance to proven facts, and not in accordance to how I feel and experience myself in relation to a particular point

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