Today I’ve had many various reactive experiences – though I will zone in on one in particular and give my attention to this point. And – the point I will be writing about today will be – grades, and marks.
Some time ago I received my marks for the latest term I’ve gone through at the university – and they were not top-marks; now – within this I didn’t have a major reaction – or I mean – this I what I’d like to think to myself; that I “handled it” and I was “cool” with it – but really the thoughts, and experiences that come up within me tell another story.
So, what kind of inner backchat is it that has been arising within me? We’ll – I’ve had these small subtle moments, wherein I will look at the marks I received during this semester – and within that I will make a quick, and hasty judgment of myself – very subtly; and then after I’ve made this judgment I will think to myself: “next semester I am going to what is required! I am going to get top-marks next semester!” – and then after that I will sort of go through in my mind the various steps I will require to take in order to really push myself to get top marks, and then also go through some fears, and anxieties as to problems that might occur that will not allow me to get top-marks.
It’s fascinating – that I actually care this much about marks, and that it will possess me to such an extent that I will miss the physical breath that is here in-front of me – thus – I want to get to a point where this type of thoughts, and considerations do not exist within me; I mean – I am clearly able to see that this particular backchat-pattern stems from disappointment, and a experience that I’ve “failed” – and that my solution-thinking is a way which I combat this initial experience of feeling like a failure, and that I’ve not done enough to get my top-marks.
Another interesting aspect is how I will within me my mind sort of have a big audience that looks at me – and this mental audience consists of various people in my world – for example classmates; and then I will in my mind hold my achievements, and results before this mental audience – and observe their reactions – for example – in relation to my classmates that exist in my mental audience – I will hold up my results that were not top-mark – and then within that see them think/observe my results and comment that I should’ve gotten better results, because I studied so much – I mean now my studies where all in vain.
So, it’s really fascinating that I’ve this inner jury that I show my results in life too – I show them my plans, my decisions, my experiences, and then I let this jury decide whether it’s good or bad, right or wrong, correct, or incorrect. Obviously this jury is in actuality ME – as my own self-judgments that I’ve projected unto others – and wherein I’ve tried to live up to what I’ve thought to be “others expectations” – but in reality they are my expectations – and it shows me that I am not allowing myself to accept myself – and respect myself.
I am currently listening to the series about Judgment that can be found in the Eqafe-store – and I see that this point I am walking through now is relevant to what they say in that series; because really what I am doing in critically evaluating myself like this – is that I am in-fact bullying, and harassing myself; sort of standing inside me with a whip, and a carrot – saying – “go there and you’ll get a carrot” – or – “bad, bad!! Now I must whip you for your naughtiness” – so it’s interesting.
What’s more about this is that I’ve in-fact internalized the critique I perceived that I was receiving from my parents as I grew up; back then I felt that I was being criticized – but nowadays I don’t have any parents around anymore, and I am doing this towards myself; really shows that it was me all along that was hard on myself, and criticized myself – and that’s never been about my parents, but about who I am within me.
I can see that this point of self-criticism is prevalent in many areas of my life – process being one of them; because a tendency that I have is that I want to move fast, I want to move really fast – I mean get through point, by point – and clear it all up; and when I do have reactions – I judge myself – saying “I should have this reaction – now I must apply self-forgiveness!” – and then I move myself to correct the point from a starting point of self-judgment – and wanting the point to “get away” – instead of moving myself from a starting point of me exploring myself, and being grateful that I have the opportunity to re-create myself in all areas of my world – and that the mind is nothing bad, or wrong – it’s merely a misaligned system that requires labor to be directed into what is best for all.
Thus – one of the points I see will assist me to let go of this self-criticism is that I allow myself to not take myself so seriously, and also allow myself to make mistakes, and be cool with it – and let the points I walk take time – and also – not have any expectations of what results I achieve – but instead walk for the sake of walking – enjoying the process, and not wanting to get to the end immediately. I mean – that’s interesting because it’s similar to how I’ve realized I behave in sex – I mean – often I will want to go to the orgasm, and the sexual epitome immediately – and I don’t want to go through the physical and practical process that is required for me to get there; and so this also reveals another point that will assist, and support me to let go of self-criticism – and that is to be patient with myself – and to understand that comparison is not real – because I am an individual with a background that is unique – thus how can I possibly compare myself to another when no two person’s have the same life-baggage? It’s impossible and really an illusion – it’s not real – only a distraction, and a justification for me to continue to judge myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, and criticize myself when I don’t achieve the results that I’ve expected, and desired, and hoped for – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hopes, expectations, wants and desires for a particular outcome – instead of accepting and allowing myself to walk breath by breath – and not create a mental future in my mind that I think I must achieve in order for me to be satisfied with myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-criticism to motivate myself to change, and to better myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead motivate myself to change, and be better – and become more effective – through me enjoying to expand myself, and enjoying to challenge myself – and enjoying to grow, and to become more – I mean – it’s not bad, or wrong, or worthy of criticism to fail, or not make it – it’s simply what it is – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop judging myself and instead focus upon living, and enjoying myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and define life as being a struggle, and a hardship – instead of realizing that it’s me that is actively making life to be a struggle, and a hardship – because I am constantly being hard on myself, and I am constantly judging myself – and I am not allowing myself to give myself some room, some space to actually fail, and to not be successful – but I am having this relentless view of myself that I must be successful, and I must make it – whatever I do – and that not doing this is the greatest, and most shameful thing that can exist – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, and not be patient with myself – and to allow myself to walk points that open in my reality slowly, specifically, and without hasting, and without creating expectations, and desires as to what results I should achieve
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that living without a drive to achieve results is a waste of time, and will make me ineffective – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the results more than process of achieving results – not understanding that I mean – the process will be equal and one to the results achieved – and thus if I walk my process in such a way that I do not cater for myself – give myself space, room, and nourishment to grow – I mean – then my results will be limited, and I will have chased the results – but they will be inferior as to what they could’ve been if I walked slowly, meticulously – and taking me time – being patient, being gentle – and moving slowly forward without feeling that it must go faster
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I mean – my life could be so much more enjoyable, and expansive – and more like a adventure that I go into and allow myself to explore and enjoy – if I let go of self-criticism – and self-judgment; because in releasing myself from these points of limitation – I will be able to venture into any project, or any point that emerge – and simply experience, and walk through the point physically – enjoying the actual act, and movement of walking the point – and not being in my mind – worrying, fearing, and experiencing anxiety as to what results I am going to achieve
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I criticize myself, and when I am being hard on myself – that I have more effective results, that I am more effective in life, and living – and that I am able to produce a better outcome for myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that criticism, and judgment is always detrimental – as it tears on my very beingness – and slowly but surely breaks me down; I mean that is what happens in abusive relationships – the one person breaks the other person down physically and mentally – and what’s left is a broken human-being that is not able to move; as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the same principle applies within me – that if I constantly criticize myself, and I am hard on myself – then I will break myself down – and I will be less likely to dare to walk projects, and points – because I will create this belief within me that “I am not good enough anyway”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support, and assist myself – and be encouraging towards myself – I mean – such a simple point as encouraging myself instead of judging myself would change a lot – so for example – when I do fail, or miss a goal that I’ve set for myself – instead of criticizing myself – I could simply encourage myself with these practical points that I see I am living, and walking – for example see the cool points that I did actually walk in attempting to manifest a success; for example I was disciplined, and I was diligent, and I really was committed to the point – and within that also encourage myself to change, and become even more effective – and such stop breaking myself down within me – and instead focus upon building myself up – supporting myself, strengthening myself – and using my mistake to make myself even better, and more effective
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by breaking myself down I become stronger – instead of realizing, and understanding that this is not true – I mean – by breaking myself down I am in-fact breaking – and that is not becoming stronger – the same principle applies to physical points – I mean if I break my computer it won’t become stronger it will become less functional – the same goes with me; as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to focus upon being a support for myself, being a helping hand for myself – being a real buddy for myself – and allowing myself to eradicate criticism from within me – so that I will never again criticize and be hard on myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate, and define gentleness as a weakness – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being gentle with myself – in fear that if I allow myself to be gentle with myself then I will not survive in this world, and I will not be able to walk point in my life, and my reality – I will not able to be disciplined and get things done – because I apparently I need to punish myself, and judge myself, and criticize myself to get things done – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is simply not true – I mean it’s common sense that discipline doesn’t require the threat of punishment – instead discipline can be walked from a starting point of commitment, from a starting point of doing what is best for self, and all – thus giving to self, and being grateful for being able to give this point to self – and as such not using anymore judgment, self-punishment, and mental bullying to move myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being gentle with myself, and to believe that I don’t know how to be gentle with myself – and I don’t know how to take it easy with myself – and I don’t know how to be a buddy for myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I do not know this – because I’ve not ever allowed myself to define gentleness, and live gentleness for and as myself – but here I am able to see that the application of gentleness is a actual physical – practical application – of allowing myself to slow down, and to be considerate in each moment – to not want to jump ahead, or speed up – but to be a slow-moving being – that is patient – wherein there is no stress, and no attempt to reach greater heights – but instead a slow but certain movement in each moment – that I am here – and I move, and direct myself – in the pace and movement of breath
When and as I see that I go into speedy-living – wherein I want to achieve results, and I want to get THERE – and I want to make it NOW, and be DONE – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in living this speedy-living – I am compromising my presence, and stability here – and I am not allowing myself to actually live, to experience life – and so-called: smell the roses; as such I commit myself to slow down – to breath – and to live each moment to the fullest – and to not spend my time wanting, and desiring to “reach there” – and “make that” and “complete that” – I mean – that’s not living – that’s searching for life instead of being life; as such I commit myself to be life instead of searching for life
When and as I see that I am moving myself, and applying myself through motivating myself utilizing fear, and self-punishment – and thinking that I must become more – because apparently I am currently lacking; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – living from that starting point makes life a struggle, and a pain in the ass – because nothing is ever enjoyable by itself – as it must always become something, lead to something for it to be of worth – instead of allowing the moment in itself, the process of walking in itself – to be worth – to be valuable – to be enjoyable – to be life and living; as such I commit myself to enjoy the process of walking a point – and to allow myself to be motivated by enjoying to expand myself, I mean seeing that it’s natural and common sense to challenge myself – and to go beyond my limitations – and that it’s nothing that must be done from fear – or lack – but instead something that I naturally do breath by breath – expanding myself here
When and as I see that I want to haste, and speed things up – because I feel that this is the only way to achieve results – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that really – slowing down is the key to being effective – really it’s common sense – because in being slow – I am able to see reality – and be aware of what is here – while in being a fast-mover – I don’t see anything at all – it’s same principle of speed that applies to physical reality as well – for example – when driving a car at a high speed I can’t see the detail of my surroundings – but when I walk the same path – I can see everything clearly, and be able to look at details – and even stop and go down on my knees to investigate some point; as such I commit myself to slow down – and to be content with being a slow being – I mean really – slowness have been so underestimated in this world – because apparently being fast means that you can experience a lot of life – instead of understanding that life is what is here in every moment – and not something that you’re able to run towards, and sort of achieve as some sort of race that you’ve won
When and as I see that I am not giving myself space, room, and time – in essence being patient with myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that to be effective I must give myself nourishment – and I must treat myself as a plant – and a plant requires nutrition – and so do I – as such nutrition would be to live my life in a balanced way – to be slow with me, and my application – to stop trying to reach over there and instead live here – seeing that there is really no there – but that the only point that is actually real is here; as such I commit myself to treat myself like a plant – and ask myself – how can I support myself to grow? How can I support myself to stabilize myself? How can I support myself to evolve, and develop myself? And as such I commit myself to become like a gardener for myself that garden life
When and as I see that I am not allowing myself to be HERE with the point that I am walking, but that I want to finish – I want to get it done – I want to move to the next point, and be “productive” and “fast” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this fast-paced living is what makes me miss life – and miss myself – because I am not allowing myself to be HERE with me – understanding that there is nothing better, or more, greater, than me here; as such I commit myself to slow down – and to walk a point until the point is done – and clear – and I mean then walk to the next point – using breath as the motivation for me to move forward
When and as I see that I am going into self-criticism, and being hard on myself – because I think that “It’s good for me” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that breaking something down is never good – I mean I wouldn’t break down my bicycle, or destroy my clothes – thinking that they would become more durable, and effective by me doing that – it’s simply insane; as such I commit myself to be careful with myself, to be gentle with myself – and to care for myself
When and as I see that I focus on the negative in relation to a particular point that I am walking – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in focusing on the negative – I mean – that’s what I am creating – and when I don’t allow myself to see the entire picture, and understand that “hey! There is actually some cool points here!” – then I create the experience within me of feeling like a failure – even though that’s not at all true – because I mean there were points that were cool – so as such I commit myself to focus upon supporting myself – looking at where I am effective and making myself even more effective on those points – and then not overwhelming myself by looking “everything that’s negative” – but instead being patient with myself in realizing that perfection is a skill that isn’t magically created – but that is earned through labor – and that labor will take time and will only be able to be done when I support, and encourage myself instead of breaking myself down
When and as I think that I become stronger when I break myself down, and I feel kind of cool within me – like all manly – because I am criticizing something of myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this idea is absurd – it’s based upon this belief that “what doesn’t kill makes you stronger” – I mean that’s an idiotic presumption – and I mean there are tons of proof in this world that shows that this isn’t the case – and it’s so easy to prove this to oneself; as such I commit myself to realize and understand that breaking down doesn’t make me stronger – it makes me broken – as such I commit myself to instead build myself, to instead work on myself – and construct on myself – and treat myself with care, and gentleness – because that’s how real development is facilitated
When and as I see that I don’t know how to live gentleness, and how to be caring, and considerate with myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean living gentleness is simple – it’s me being physically gentle – and how is that done? I mean – just like I experience a wind sweeping over my cheek – that I can physically experience is gentle – it’s soft, and it’s really comfortable – that’s how I must move, and direct myself within myself – I mean being that gentleness in my breath, in my physical movements, in my living – practicing to slow down and to feel and really be here with the moment – and to not expect there to be more, or to get somewhere else – but to really be HERE and take in the moment that is here; as such I commit myself to live gentleness as a slow and comfortable breath – and a slow, patient, and diligent movement – that isn’t forced – that isn’t strenuous – but that is certain – and effective