Tag Archives: perfect

Day 224: Seeing The Opportunities Here

For some months now I’ve been in the process of contemplating and looking at where I’m able to go with my career and how I can define and move it in such a way so that I can create an outcome that would not only be best for me – but best for all. This have been an interesting journey, because I’ve had many realizations as to what it really does mean to move myself within this world to create an effect and have a influence.

The most prominent realization I’ve had is that the opportunity to create a position for myself in the world system, a direction and purpose that I’m able to walk and through that have an effect, is not something that is existent OUT THERE in the future – rather – the opportunities to create value in the lives of others is a prospect that is existent HERE. I’ve found that I wanted to have this perfect point in the system, for example to work as a humanitarian lawyer, and in that promote change – and immediately – from the get go – be in a position that would allow me to voice the message of creating a better life for all of humanity – though – this is NOT how it works.

Because the things is that we exist in a system that for such a long time have only functioned within and around very primitive motives and drives – most of the organizations out there have a limited starting point; such as helping societies outcasts to achieve food and a roof over their head, or supporting impoverished children to achieve an education, or collecting funding for some new vaccine – there is almost NO group that focuses on a solution that would correct the origin problems of our society. THOUGH – the thing is that when we walk out into the system, and place ourselves in a position – we can’t expect that point to immediately be effective and aligned according to the principles we see would bring a permanent change – rather – we must CREATE that position to become that change.

So, with regards to a career and placing myself in the system, what I see is that regardless of what point I place myself within – it’s going to be up to me to change and direct that point to become a life-supporting and nourishing complement to this world – it’s not going to be that from the get go – I must build it, will it, and bring it into fruition.

And thus – it’s not about the career, the profession, or where I place myself in the world, it’s about WHO I AM within what I do – and thus I can place myself in for example, the position of the corporate lawyer – and from within that point find directions, loopholes, and potentials that I can start to build on – support and enhance to be able to bring through a more supportive and effective existence. For example, as a corporate lawyer, one could make it a purpose for oneself to assist and support new and upcoming businesses free of charge, seeing that such businesses hold potential and value that will assist and support humanity as a whole – thus changing the profession, directing the career, molding it according to WHO I AM instead of wanting the career and profession to give all the answers and already be a pre-set route where it’s all already done.

This realization has been important to me, because now I’m able to see that the stress, and doubt I’ve experienced towards making the decision of where I’m to place myself isn’t in-fact relevant – it takes my focus away from that which is important – which is ME and WHO I AM in every moment of breath. Because WHO I AM is the in-fact the foundation of everything that I do in my life – and it will determine the outcome of all points that I decide to take on and walk into. Thus – to select a path is a point of practicality and also of seeing where one have the necessary skills to be able to walk one’s career effectively – though the point of using that career and path to make a difference in this world – that is a matter of WHO I AM – a point of being CREATIVE and OPEN to possibilities and to see things from new perspectives – and not get caught up in the idea that I can only affect change through these select few and limited professions and career paths – CHANGE is something we bring into this world because WE decide to do so – not because our professions makes it possible for us to do it.

And maybe that is the true meaning of the word activist – someone that is ACTIVE in creating their life and purpose regardless of the position they find themselves within in this world.

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Day 209: The Fountain of Life

Since I began opening up my point of purpose a couple of interesting realizations have emerged – and one of these are in relation to my choice of career – my decision of what I am going to do in this life in order to make money.

The problem that I’ve been facing is that of continuously preparing, changing and altering myself in order to fit into the idea of my future, and the concept of what I am going to do with my life, and the projection of how my life will pan out – thus – trying to alter and mold myself in this breath here in order to fit into a concept of a future that I’ve created in my mind – naturally this is going to cause problems.

This is not the first time that I’ve done this – creating a goal – a end-station – a point of future fulfillment and then going full on to reach that is a trait that have been with me since I can remember. The tendency is thus to formulate a final destination in my mind and then attempt and try to shape myself here – to fit into that idea of a final destination – instead of walking in the moment – within self-trust – knowing my direction and my purpose – and thus taking it breath by breath – realizing that I can only create in alignment with me and my physical if I am HERE and aware of what is going on both within and without.

Because when following a goal, a dream, a clearly defined picture in my mind – neither me as a being, nor my physical reality is taken into account – and consequently points are compromised, forgotten or missed – and the end result even though the initial goal might be fulfilled is not at all what it makes out to be – it’s rather a picture that underneath holds a lot of suffering and harm that was lived out in order to create the idea of the perfect life.

This is what I did when I decided to become a famous and recognized guitar player – I made a goal within me of what I wanted to become – then I started to shape all of my life, myself, my looks, my clothes, what I used my time for, everything, in order to attain that one singular future – obviously resulting in compromises – also resulting in me not seeing that guitar and music might not be the things that best complement my expression – not seeing that there are many other opportunities in my world that might be more relevant for me to walk into if accept and allow myself to do so.

Thus – goals, dreams, future hopes – when made into absolutes they become blindfolds and barricades that limits us from living HERE – because to live HERE we require to open to what comes our way – open to changes, new directions, new considerations, new perspectives, new people, new goals, new insights – unknown variables that we’re not able to foresee – but that unfolds as we walk the purpose and the decision we’ve given to ourselves.

As such it’s important that we give ourselves direction – to give ourselves purpose and a way forward – yet that way forward must only ever be a road sign – a sense of direction – that “Okay – I am going this way!” – not an absolute truth of how our future must turn out – not a undebatable religion that must be fulfilled at all cost – because a road sign must not determine the final destination – that must be something I do here – I am the driver and the road sign is merely a road signing pointing the direction as to where I want to go – yet I am actively creating – willing and moving myself towards the destination – as I proceed forward in life.

Here what opens up is the point of standing as the fountain of life – and making that fountain of expression that is me the point of creation from which my movement flows and moves – it’s thus a complete shift in perspective that is required – to instead of moving from the idea of where I should go – move from HERE as SEEING where I am to go next – where I am going to place my foot thereafter. Thus – making the pivotal point of movement MYSELF – SELF – the fountain of life HERE.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require the mind in order to create – and that the only way to create my future is to attempt and try to change myself here into what I believe is required and needed for me to build my future – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself within and as self-trust – and moving and directing myself in the moment to create my future and external reality with me as the primary point of creation – as the fountain of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as a fountain of life – and as a movement and as the motivation to create and bring things into motion – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead place my trust into plans, goals and techniques – and ways to reach what I believe I require and need in order to get somewhere – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as the fountain of life – and create my life and living HERE – create my future HERE – create my career and my relationship to money HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve been limiting myself in relation to self-creation – and in relation to creating my life and my future – through giving authority to the mind – as believing that in order for me to create and build – in order for me to further myself – move myself and get ahead – I require to emulate and mold myself here – and prepare myself into a particular shape and form to be able to fit into my future and my coming life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to walk into the future – to walk into my life – to walk here and direct myself in accordance with what is opening up in the moment – to trust myself that I’ll be able to direct and live my life here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become inflexible in relation to creation – wherein I believe that I require to form one plan – one idea – one fix notion of what my future must become – and how my future must be – and then that I shape and form myself here in order for me to fit into my future – and fit into my becoming in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk into this life and this world as the fountain of life – and trust myself that I’ll be able to open up and direct my life in each and every moment as it opens up – that I’ll be able to create myself and direct myself according to the points that emerge and that I can find solutions and ways to deal with my life as I see it develops and moves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stand as the fountain of life in relation to money and career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in order for me to create an effective future for myself – I must become something different from what I am here – instead of me creating my future as a expression of myself – as something that I move from here into creation – that I move from myself as the living breath and the living movement of the physical into actuality and physical manifestation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’m able to walk a purpose and a direction in my life – and that I make this purpose and direction my stability and groundedness – and that I then move from this point – yet I don’t accept and allow myself to become controlled and limited by any goal or plan – but that I remain here with myself in realizing that all creation stem from this point of HERE – and that in order for creation to be effective and potent – I require to be stable within myself – and make the movement of my life come into creation from myself as the fountain of life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of inflexibility, as moving myself from within and as a starting point that I must change myself, mold myself, and refigure myself in order to fit into my idea of how my future should play out – I stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I make the goal and the plan more than me – more than what is here – more than common sense in the moment – I am limiting myself and my creation of myself into the physical – and I am making myself less effective because I wait for me to change and mold myself into what I believe I must be instead of me moving and directing myself to express myself; thus I commit myself to stand as the fountain of life – and create my future – create my life – create myself HERE – and trust myself that I will walk what comes up in my world – that I will direct myself according to the points that I see are developing here and find solutions – and find the way forward

I commit myself to trust myself to stand as the fountain of life in my world – and to create my external reality equal and one to this fountain of life – and thus CREATE myself and my life – CREATE what I want my life to be – and not anymore wait for things to emerge – and hope that things are going to happen – but move myself everyday to actually will a change in my life and in myself that I’m satisfied and content with

Day 207: Making a Decision

Recently I’ve been walking the point of forming and creating a purpose for myself, and this have brought up some reactions of anxiety and stress – it’s quite interesting to see and I understand why this is so. It’s because I’ve not before in my life actually sat myself down to see what I can do, where I can contribute, how I can contribute, and then actually making that decision for myself as to what I am going to do. It’s definitely a challenge.

One of the points that I see is obfuscating the point of purpose for me is the emotion of fear – and stress – because usually this is the emotion that I’ve utilized in order to form a direction for myself in life. So, when I am now asking myself – where and how am I going to stand in this life? And I leave behind that point of fear as being my guidance for what I should do – what comes up within me is this point of silence and nothingness – and I realize that it’s here in this point of silence and nothingness that I must insert my new direction – my purpose – and that the reason why nothing is there already – is because I’ve not yet created anything.

The fear I want to work with in this blog is that of picking the wrong purpose – because what tends to happen is that I walk through the various options that I see would be valid for me – points in which I would be effective and that I will be able to push forward – and then when it comes to making the decision – selecting and deciding upon the way forward – what arise is fear and anxiety – because shit! What if I now select the wrong purpose? What if I realize some years into the future that I went into the wrong direction – and I didn’t go into the right direction? What if? What if?

Obviously – I must be willing to fail – I must embrace the possibility that I select a purpose for myself that simply isn’t my cup of tea – yes that is a possibility – and that some years into the future I realize that – hey! This point would suit me much better – here I would be able to really express myself and bring out my skills and life-experiences – and make the best use of them possible! This is a reality with all forms of decisions – that it might turn out to be a ineffective decision that one later realize could’ve been made in a different way.

Though if I don’t embrace and accept that possibility of failure, I’ll simply never ever make a decision – and that is not an existence worth living – just remaining stuck in a state of waiting for the right decision to emerge and come to me – not realizing that I must make the decision – walk the decision – and implement the decision – and only then will reality emerge and the point open up – and I’ll be able to see whether to take it in a different direction or follow on the course I’ve set out for myself.

Thus – the obstacle that must be removed is that of the fear of making the wrong decision – instead I must accept and allow myself to stand in the courage of walking into the unknown – making the decision and walking it and seeing what will unfold – that is the way ahead and the only way that I can actually move myself to create something – the other way is to never fail with anything – yet that will imply not ever getting out of bed in the morning and doing anything whatsoever – and what kind of life is that?

Living and making decisions implies a variable of uncertainty – a variable that is unknown that can’t be foreseen – it must be lived – and what I want to create as myself is the courage to walk into that uncertainty with my head held high – not accepting and allowing myself to remain in a position of stand-still hoping that something will come to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of making a decision in fear that it’s the wrong decision – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait with making decisions because I somehow believe that the right decision will simply come to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing and embrace the possibility of making the wrong decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself in relation to decision-making – wherein I on the one hand imagine me making the right decision – a decision that will bring happinessfulfillment – and enjoyment into my life – and on the other hand imagine making a decision that will make my life fruitless – boring and unfulfilling – and thus I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to exist between these two polarities of either the perfect decision – or the opposite of the perfect decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this anxiety within me of making a decision and moving forward – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know beforehand what the decision will lead me into – what will arise from the decision – what will come from the decision – what will happen when I make the decision – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spin myself into a state of imagination in trying to calculate my future – instead of realizing that making a decision implies risk – implies a certain variable of unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to live courage – in making a decision – standing by that decision – and walking the consequences of that decision – and then when I’m on the other side – evaluate and look what I’m able to learn – what I’m able to take with me – what I can do more effectively – what I can do more specifically next time I stand before a decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision as to what purpose I’m going to select for myself in life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that it’s going to be the wrong purpose – that it’s going to be a purpose that will not fit me – that will not work with my life and my surroundings – and my other commitments – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can save myself from making a bad decision through not making any decision at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in not making any decision at all – I’m merely placing myself in a state of limbo – in a state of going backwards and forwards – though never actually making a decision and moving myself upon that – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this type of forward and back motion inside myself is what generates fear and anxiety – and thus I commit myself to actually make a decision – decide upon my purpose – then walk my purpose – and stop fearing that it’s the wrong purpose – rather walk it fully – completely – with my whole being and stop the thinking that is totally unnecessary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed within and as thinking patterns of what is a good decision – and what that will lead me into – and what is a bad decision – and what that will lead me into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself stuck in a limbo of back and forth backchat of where to go and where not to go – instead of looking at my options – then making a decision and going with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make a decision as to where I want to go in life – and then go with it – stop worrying – stop existing in this state of fear – stop being ridiculously careful that I don’t make the wrong decision and instead allow myself to go for it – to simply do it – to realize that each process of deliberation must come to an end and that is where action must start – and that it’s ridiculous to simply deliberate and think about what I am going to do – because that is not how I create – I create through movement and through making my decision practical – physical – real and actual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make my decision – but instead wait with making my decision in the belief that I will be filled with godly inspiration and have some form of epiphany that will make everything crystal clear – and I see, realize and understand that unfortunately nothing in life is that crystal clear – and that the best I can get is some form of muddy shit that I can see through somewhat – and make out the contours on the other side – and that is what I have to go on – then the next step is to make the decision – walk the decision – and bring the decision into fruition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a faulty decision is better than an indecision – because when making a faulty decision I’ve actually made an effort – and I’ve moved myself to do something – and that is actually something that I can be proud of even though it didn’t lead to what I hoped – though a indecision is merely me standing back hoping that something will occur that then doesn’t occur – and in that I won’t have learned anything – but to stand and wait for things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the time for waiting is now over – and that I must make a decision and move myself – and that’s just the way it is – and that is what I will do – and I realize that making a decision even though it proves to be ineffective – far outweighs the consequences of not making a decision at all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to make decisions when I stand before a choice

I commit myself to stand by the decisions that I make and walk them to their conclusion

I commit myself to create a purpose for myself – to decide upon a purpose and then walk it

I commit myself to not anymore wait for purpose and decisions to come to me – and thus I commit myself to actively move myself to make a decision and to stand by it

When and as fear comes up within me when making a decision, that I might be making the wrong decisions, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that following this fear will lead me into not making a decision AT ALL – and that I will remain in a limbo of simply not knowing where to go – what to do – and how to do it – and that is not how I want to lead my life – and thus I commit myself to make a decision – to see that making a decision is far better than not making a decision at all – even though the decision made is ineffective – because in making a decision – at least I’ve pushed myself and made an effort to create my life – and take responsibility for my life – and learned something through that – which will be far more valuable than just waiting for someone else to step into that position for me

Day 202: Fatness and the Judgment Thereof

Yesterday I went to the bathhouse to swim after some weeks of Christmas holidays – and while undressing I was glancing at myself in a mirror close-by – and in the moment I thought to myself that I’d been gaining weight. Coupled with this thought was a slight fear reaction – and this fear was in relation to what others were going to think of me if I was to be fat. Primarily the fear was in relation to attracting negative attention from others.

I then went into thoughts and backchat of trying to find a ‘solution’ to this apparent problem, which was then to make sure that I inserted more days of exercising in my schedule – and in that began planning what type of exercise I would do, how much I would do it, and also imaging how that would change my body, and how I’d feel about such a transformation.

The initial judgment was specifically focused on the looks of my stomach, which I perceived to be slightly bulging outwards – according to me showing the signs of the initial stages of so called beer belly – and I can see that this thought wasn’t alone. There was also backchat about how of gaining a beer belly implies that you’re getting old, and that you’re about to loose that spark of youth and vitality that is considered desirable in today’s society – this was also coupled with fear.

Thus – what I am able to see is that this reaction towards my belly is in it’s very origin a fear that relates to loose stature and value in the system – losing specialness and significance – because when you’re perceived as beautiful and desirable that in itself functions as a key to achieve attention and gain respect in the system. What this goes to show is that I’m not valuing myself – but rather placing value to be an outcome of receiving attention from others – which is obviously very limiting.

I see that in order for me to live real self-acceptance and self-value this point must go – I can’t limit myself to only be comfortable expressing and sharing myself when I know that others perceive me as beautiful and youthful – that is simply not a sustainable solution. And obviously – I want to be able to stand in all positions, in all outflows, regardless of my body type, my age, my position, and where I’m at in the system – and be stable – silent – and value and regard myself for who I am and for what I live – not evaluate myself on the basis of such shallow characteristics as looks and age.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my value, prestige and status in the system through not anymore being seen as physically attractive and desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop this fear of gaining a beer belly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and judge being and becoming fat – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fat – in fear that I am then going to be judged or attacked by others, and teased, and looked down upon, because I don’t have the adequate bodily picture and image that according to societies norms and morals is the correct bodily picture to attain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I look myself in the mirror, and I see that I have a tiny belly sticking out, to immediately judge it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not realize that I am judging this part of my body because I’ve been programmed and indoctrinated into looking at my body with judgmental eyes – and scouring the image of my body for mistakes and imperfections that I believe and find to be wrong – and that should be changed and aligned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having a belly, and being fat, as being a failure – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being fat implies that you’re weak in character, that you’re undisciplined and that you don’t care about your physically body or physique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let a shape and form of a body to determine my entire outlook upon another – and upon myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see the life beyond the image – to see the actual being that is beyond the picture of either being attractive or unattractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and worth how my body looks more than how I physically experience my human physical body – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I look at my body – also listen to my body – hear whether my body is in a effective condition – to listen to whether my body is adequately taken care of or if there are alignments that can be made – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and base the word health within the limited concept of how the body looks – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that health is in-fact a much more extensive and expansive word that covers not only looks – but also the very beingness and sense of physical experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I look at myself in the mirror, to critically analyze parts of myself and think that there is something wrong with them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to critically analyze and take apart my breasts and the muscle tissues that supports them – in thinking that I should have a more extensive muscle tissue – that I should have more worked out and physically fit body that likens the body of athletes and professional dancers – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider the image – the only consider the immediate appearance – instead of looking myself and who I am behind the picture and image – to realize that I am not in-fact a professional athlete and I don’t have that particular inclination – neither am I a dancer and I don’t have that inclination either

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and embrace the shape and form which my body takes – to not make the shape and form of my body the main issue – and the point from which I assess and make decisions – but rather accept and allow myself to amalgamate myself with the feel of my physical body – with the experience and sense of my physical body – so that I in that actually get to know myself physical and what it goes through – so that I then can support my human physical body effectively – and when I notice it’s required – do some exercising in order to strengthen parts of my physical – thus not doing it to look handsome – rather do it as a form of self-support and assistance for and as my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is any correct shape and form to the human physical body – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to superimpose my idea and ideals of what a correct physical shape is unto my human physical body – not seeing, realizing and understanding that obviously I can’t know what a correct physical shape is as I don’t even have the most basic awareness of how the detail of my physical body functions – how am I then able to assess and understand how the physical body should look like?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use advertisements of young males with protruding abdominal muscles – and a athletic – sturdy and muscular physique to become my understanding of how a human physical body should look like – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impose fitness regimes and exercising habits unto my physical in order to subdue my body to a shape and form that I perceive to be the correct shape and form – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself – and my body – what form of exercise or food that would be supportive for it and not for my mental idea and definition of what it means to be attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-value on my self-image and on the amount of attention that I perceive myself to be getting from others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when I receive attention from someone in my world – a female – and she seemingly looks at me with eyes filled with awe and lust – to then believe that my value is cemented and that I’ve risen to a new level of self-respect – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is in-fact not a example of self-value and self-respect – but rather energy games that I define myself according to and believe to be myself – not realizing that this energy will soon dissipate and then I’ll go look for another game to fulfill my need for energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my self-definition and self-image dependent upon energy – and upon how I perceive that other reacts towards my physique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to groom and care for my body from the starting point of wanting to be accepted and valued by others – wanting to case some form of raucous and attention when I enter into a moment with others – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is not real self-value – is not real self-love – and it’s not real self-respect – it’s in-fact but a form of energy addiction wherein I define essential parts of my character according to looks – instead of defining them according to who I am and by what principles I live and move by

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into judgmental thoughts of my physique, in particular my stomach, and I think that it protrudes in a distasteful and unpleasant manner – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this judgment doesn’t reflect an actual understanding of physicality – and what the human physical body should look like – rather it’s but a judgment – but an idea of how something should look – and not me seeing what would be best for my physical body – thus I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back here – and accept my body – and do that through breathing and bringing myself back here to the feel and experience of my physical – to the feeling of my human physical body

I commit myself to practice self-respect and self-value through not accepting and allowing myself to define my value and my worth according to imagery – according to how I look and how I believe that others see me and look at me – and thus I commit myself to embrace and accept myself unconditionally and stand as self-worth regardless of my looks – and walk this point practically through not accepting and allowing judgments in relation to my physique to fester in me and build

When and as I see that I am going into a positive energy and experience – of feeling significant and distinguished – because I believe that some female have caught my eye and feels lust towards my body – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this is not real self-value or self-respect – this is but an energy – but a energy game that I am playing which will eventually run out and disappear into nothingness – and thus I commit myself to stand stable and grounded when interacting with the other sex – to base the foundation of my value and worth upon WHO I AM as a being – who I am in my daily living and what I accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow – instead of making looks that which I use to define me as a person

Day 170: Successful people… and ME!

Today I was hanging out with some friends and we were discussing career and future decisions, and appropriately enough, we happened upon the subject of what jobs we’ve had in the past. My friend then shared with me that he’d been to a renowned firm, a company that is big, and have a celebrated past, and actually: most of my fellow classmates probably have dreams about setting their foot in such workplace.

When my friend shared this with me I got literally stung with jealousy, I mean, it came up nothing short of a punch in my solar plexus area – and the nature of the experience was: NO! – lol – “He got it and not me!” – “I wanted to get it!”.

As they day continued, I noticed these peculiar thoughts popping up in my mind, where I could see that I compared myself to my friend, looked at my past, my education, my decisions, my life in general, and what type of opportunities that I’d manifested for myself, and then compared these with what I heard about my friend. And in doing this, I could see that I was taking myself into a experience of gloominess, and depression, and it felt as if I was attacking myself within, punishing myself that I didn’t create myself in the same way as my friend, and that I thus didn’t make sure that I go the same type of job, and the same type of life that my friend was about to step into.

So, if I take this back to common sense, and look at it, I am able to see that this friend of my represents my desires, and he shows me very clearly where I still exist within a state of competition, a state of fear, and a state of survival, and where I try to get ahead of others in order to feel good about myself, and to prove myself – and this is obviously not the point in life, it’s obviously not the point of why I am here – I mean, what purpose does it in-fact serve to get a super-good job, only to have that job and to feel better than others? It’s really meaningless and probably one of the big reasons why we human-beings have never managed to actually change anything in our world, because we’ve always been super-concerned with wanting to win, compete, and survive – so super-concerned that we’ve totally forgotten ourselves, our world, this system, our responsibilities and how it is that we’re affecting life on this planet with our actions.

Thus, my self-forgiveness today will be directed towards this particular point of competition, the competition that leads into jealousy, the jealousy being that point of feeling like a looser because another have something that I desire and want – and in this case: having a position in the world system that I’ve defined as envious and desirable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous at another for having a job that is considered to be advantageous and desirable in the world system, and that is seen as being connected with having status, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to place myself in an equal position as this other person, and have a similar job, and have a similar career, and be in the top of the system, so that I am able to feel like I am winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my decisions, and movement in life on the basis of wanting to be a winner, and wanting to come out on top and in this not care about life, about this world, about humanity in its entirety but only care about myself, my desires, my experiences, and my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way wherein I only care about myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a desire of wanting to place myself in the top brackets of the system, and have a job that others see as desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress upon others and show them how much status and power I’ve in the system so that I can feel like I am winner, and that I am better than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this particular point is coming from within and as a desire to be special, and to be unique, and to be termed, defined, and seen as a winner, and as being more than others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied and content with being equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist equality, because in equality no one is better than another, no one has more stature, status or power than another, all are on the same level, and all are of the same value and worth, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in competition, desire, and wanting to be the best, instead of realizing that my life will not contribute to anything when and as I accept and allow this to be my starting point, and my direction in life, and what I want to have, and what I want to create, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my focus, and my direction, to instead start caring about others, start appreciating others, and making my life to be about changing, and contributing, and making a difference, and creating a life of worth, and value in this world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a dog in a dog eat dog world – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this game, to identify and define myself according to this game, and to believe that the only way to lead one’s life in this world is through playing this game, and making sure that I win this game, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body, and instead of living to win, live in such a way that I make everyone a winner, that each person that comes into my world is an equal, that each human being that exists in this world is an equal and thus deserves an equal opportunity, and an equal life, just as I do – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the desire and strife to become more than others, instead of focusing my life upon how I am able to assist and support others, how I am able to assist and support life to come through, and become something more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a glorious career wherein I am seen by others as having a perfect life, having the perfect girlfriend, having the perfect family, having the perfect intellect, having the perfect personality, being successful and famous in each and every instance and part of my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to change my striving, and instead strive to create, and found a difference in this world – and make my life to be about something tangible, something that I am able to touch, and have impact in this life, not only living for myself, and having my life become perfect, and desirable, but creating a life for all that is truly respectable, and dignified, and that all enjoy and where no one is compromised or left behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire my life, and my future to be perfect, so that I can brag to others about, and feel superior, and above others in how effective, and strong I was in creating my perfect future, and my perfect life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in desire, instead of making the focus in my life to be about contributing to an existence, and a world, and a life that is heaven on earth – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to align my mind, and my daily living, and my daily considerations to take into account this aspect of actually making something worthwhile with my life, wherein worthwhile is not only something that means that my life is to be the best that it can be, but that I contribute to make sure that everyone’s life is the best life that they can possibly have – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that having an active mind is really only showing me that I am still selfish and that I don’t really care about another – and thus I commit and push myself to start caring about life – start caring about others – and making me an instrument of life that is here to contribute to life and a future that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my life, with my future, and with my career, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without consideration, without regard, without care, only focus on myself, instead of accepting and allowing myself to expand my perspective, and my view to include this world, humanity, earth, the animals, and everything that is here, and realize that in order to live a fulfilling life I require to give as I’d like to receive, I require to be a catalyst that makes life worthwhile not only for myself but for everyone in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to walk out of my self-interested mind and into physical equality – wherein I look at another as myself, I place myself in their shoe’s and I accept and allow myself to take responsibility for this world and how it has ended up looking – and as such commit myself to become a contributory force that lives to expand and create a life that is best for all – that means something – and that allows for life to flourish and grow to it’s utmost potential

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into future projections, wherein I dream about my career, about my life, my future, my potential, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it’s through these dreams that I separate myself from the rest of humanity, from the rest of this existence, and from the rest of earth, and that in order to really contribute, I require to let go of my ego and my desire to win, and be special; and thus I commit myself to train myself to consider others, to care for others, and I commit myself to make my purpose in life to be that of contributing to the lives of others and to life on earth

I commit myself to daily selfless acts wherein I participate, walk and move myself to bring about a world that is best for all – where I act – and I move not for my own pleasure or satisfaction – but for the betterment of everyone – to create a world that is magnificent

I commit myself to expand my viewpoint and to include the rest of this world – and I commit myself to first train this point with learning to care about those closest to me in my world – and learning to show, share and live compassion with those that are in my immediate environment – and then expand this point to include the rest of this world and humanity

Day 75: Defeatism as the Perfect Excuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a experience of inferiority, and sadness when perceiving that someone is dissatisfied with me, and perceiving that someone thinks that I’ve done wrong – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this state of sadness and inferiority from a starting point of blame, as holding unto these experiences in order to be able to point a finger to the other person, believing that they are the cause of my experience instead of realizing that this experience of inferiority, and sadness existed within me latently even before the actual activation took place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize experiences such as sadness, and inferiority in order to hide from responsibility, and in order to hide from solutions, and in order to hide from my life, wherein I go into these experiences and then pretend that I have no directive power, and that I have no directive control, but that I am apparently at the mercy of these very uncomfortable experiences – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that everything is deliberate – and that as such these experiences are a deliberate escape mechanism – as the perfect excuse for me to use so that I can blame another, and not take responsibility for myself and walk the moment into and as a solution that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a experience of feeling low, and feeling defeated, and deflated, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and to see, and regard, and define another as being the problem, and being the issue for and of my experience of feeling defeated, and deflated – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am accepting and allowing these experiences within me, and as such they have got nothing to do with another – as such any form of blame is simply ridiculous, and the only obvious point to walk is to take self-responsibility and walk my process of self-correction as not anymore accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to experiences, and to have experiences determine who I am within and as myself and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into inferiority, and a state of defeatism because it means that I don’t have to stand responsible for myself, for my direction in life, and for the direction of my reality as a whole – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid responsibility because I fear responsibility, thinking and believing that when I stand responsible I am able to make mistakes, and become punished for these mistakes and be held accountable; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accountability – and to fear standing up in my life to take greater responsibility – because it implies that I must actually make sure that what I live, and what I stand as is what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize emotions to run away from accountability, and to put myself in a state of debilitation – wherein apparently I am to weak to move myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I am not to weak – and that thinking that I am weak is just a method that I’ve developed so that I won’t have to stand up – because standing up implies that I have to live for real, to give for real, and to in-fact move myself through resistance, and discomfort – because walking for real in this world implies that in-fact move myself and take action to implement what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I perceive that someone is blaming me, and being hard on me – to immediately go into a state of defeatism, and inferiority – wherein I think, and feel that I am being attacked, and thus I have the right to feel like shit – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that feeling like shit isn’t even real – that becoming emotional isn’t even a decision that I make in awareness as what is best for all – it’s just something that happens to me and that I’ve accepted and allowed to become a automatic state of being that simply activates and then I am apparently helpless to do anything about it – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up – breath and bring myself back here – and to see, realize, and understand that I can’t live by and through emotions, and a automatic mind that says to me who I am supposed to be – because it isn’t living – that is being zombiefied – and as such I commit myself to stop being automated – and to instead bring myself back here – to live self-directed and self-motivated in every moment of breath

When and as I see that I am going into a state, and experience of inferiority, sadness and defeatism – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to accept and allow this experience to determine who I am, but that I am able to decide who I am, and how I experience myself – and that this requires me to not indulge in the mind – it requires me to stand as a pillar within and as myself that weathers all storms; as such I commit myself to stand as a stable pillar within me – grounded and standing stable on the earth here – and breath through the experience – and instead actively move myself to participate in the moment taking self-responsibility and direction to implement and walk what is best for all

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Day 71: Future Hopes and Fantasies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to imaginations, and to become addicted to future projections, and ideas, hopes, and desires about what I will do in the future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my grounding, to loose my stability, and certainty here within and as breath, and instead become a mind-robot only following what comes up within me instead of directing myself in every moment back here to the physical, back to breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a fantasy liver, meaning that I believe that fantasizing about events, and thinking about what I want to happen is living, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that being caught in my mind, in pictures, and energies, that is not living, that is in-fact being a slave to the mind, wherein I don’t accept and allow myself to be effective, and self-motivated, and self-directed here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted, and lost within and as the point of thinking about my future, instead of accepting and allowing myself to not think, but to remain and live here; and within this I see, realize, and understand that the consequence of thinking about my future is that I don’t accept and allow myself to live HERE – to live in the physical – to see what is here as various opportunities, as various points to discover, walk, and explore, and perfect; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain and walk HERE and to stop myself from participating in my mind as fantasizing about the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost within and as the mind as thinking about the future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the images, and the movies, and the experiences that comes up in my mind, that they are real, that they are relevant, and that they are more important than my day-to-day physical living here; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the primary point of importance is HERE – because HERE is the only place in existence wherein I have directive power, wherein I have directive strength to in-fact be able to change my world and reality, and myself; and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by participating in fantasies I am giving power away to the mind, as my power to direct myself and be effective in every moment of breath HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of possession as being obsessed with my future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imbalances in my life, wherein my future becomes everything and my present, here, becomes just something annoying that I have to walk through, but that I don’t really want to walk through, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to remain here within and as breath, and walk within and as the physical, and to realize that HERE is not annoying, because here is my only access point into reality, and thus it’s of primary importance that I master this HERE point – and that I will myself to be HERE because only in this moment – in this breath – am I able to make a directive decision as to who I am, and how I will walk, and experience myself in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the future is the accumulated outflow of who I am in every moment of breath, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take every moment of breath for granted, and to believe that my future will turn out as I think; not realizing that thinking is limited, and that the only way I am able to walk into, and create a trustworthy future is through being effective, and disciplined in every moment of breath – and to walk HERE; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and to accept and allow myself to walk within and as self-discipline, and self-motivation to be here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that unless I apply myself every day, and unless I walk disciplined, and motivated every and each day to stop the mind, to bring myself back here, and to in-fact change – nothing will happen; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discipline myself to make sure that there is no day that I just “let go” and allow process to rest – and instead I push myself to make each day a full and complete day wherein I contribute, and walk to my fullest, and wherein I do not accept and allow myself to make and create any day to be a waiting day – but instead make each day a living and practical movement day – wherein I do not postpone – but I instead push myself to act, to move myself, to direct myself, and to walk process here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that each day I accept and allow myself to wait, is a day that I simply throw away, and is a day that I spend in hope that everything will sort itself out by itself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of all hope, and to see, realize, and understand that there is no hope and that I am only able to rely upon my own effectiveness, upon my own discipline, upon my own directiveness, upon my own motivation, and discipline – and that hope is this disease – thinking that everything will be okay if I just sit and wait, and sit and look at things as they happen instead of realizing that nothing will happen unless I move and direct myself to make things happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with the point of making things happen, and realizing that I will have to stand as this point in my world of making things happen – and that nothing is going to happen by itself but that I will have to in-fact push, and direct myself, to walk the points into creation that I want to see manifest, and that within this I will experience resistance, and discomfort, but that I will have to push through, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself, and embrace resistance, and discomfort, and walk with these points as points of reference, realizing that when I am pushing through my pre-programmed limitations I will experience resistance, and discomfort

When and as I see that I am going into my mind, and becoming stuck, and stagnant in fantasies, and imaginations, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I realize that these pictures, energies, and experiences in my mind aren’t real – they aren’t life – they aren’t living – and that what is life, what is living, what is in-fact of worth – is me standing and walking HERE in breath and directing myself in every moment and not accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to my mind; as such I commit myself to state when these fantasies, and imaginations come up within me that: I AM HERE – I live to my fullest here, and I live completely here, thus I don’t require a fantasy, or imagination to feel whole, because I am wholly here – and I breathe here

When and as I see that I go into and as a state of waiting, and hoping that things in my world will miraculously change without any directive principle, any directive movement, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is not the case; and that things will not just happen – but I must push, direct, and will myself to make things happen – and that hope within this is useless; and that if I want to have a change – I must stand and walk this change completely, fully, and not fluctuate, or hesitate – but to make each day to be a change-day; thus I commit myself to not take any day for granted – but to make it count – and to make my life something of excellency, and greatness – through living each day, each moment, each breath fully and completely – through allowing myself to be fully present here – and be a active participant in my reality as a catalyst of movement from within and as the principle of what is best for all

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