Tag Archives: Person

Day 239: Feeling criticized

Today I am going to open up a physical reaction that came up today as I was barbecuing.

Now, basically, I was standing by the barbeque, tending to the meat – and then another person enters into my environment. This person began to speak, and utilized a piercing tonality, where the words came out almost as punches, and very fast – no pauses and no natural rhythm. The words were in relation to the way I was cooking the meat – and the person had various suggestions as to how I could cook it – and what I should and shouldn’t do. Later on, the person began to share information, lot’s of information, for example historical facts, or considerations, and yet again the tone of the voice had this punch, and almost aggressiveness – and there was a rush in the pace.

As this person spoke I could notice that my body was tensing up, and I started to feel uncomfortable – specifically I noticed how my shoulders tightened and that my neck was bent slightly downwards – and the body shaped as if I was trying to crouch from enemy fire, dodging my head downwards as to not be hit. I also felt uneasy in my arms, I didn’t feel comfortable having them in any position, I didn’t know where the put them.

The thoughts I had about this person was judgmental in nature – I judged this person as speaking to fast, as being in energy, as being critical – and the way I responded physically was that I became more quiet, and I didn’t return to communication – the reason being that I felt forced to speak/agree/communicate in a certain way – and so not speaking was my way of trying to get back in control of the situation.

I can also see that I judged this person as being abusive, and not caring for his environment, and those around him – that he was all absorbed with himself, his own words – I can also see that I judged him as being smug and full of himself – pretentious and self-centered.

So – this event shows me a lot about myself – and what I can see is that this person is actually revealing many characteristics of my own, though I have them more on the inside – more repressed and hidden from the world – because I can see that I will in certain situations approach others within a smugness and pretentiousness – where I see myself as better than another. And equally will I at times speak in this almost aggressive, punching voice tonality – where each word is charged with a energy of rushing – trying to speak as much as possible in the shortest amount of time possible. Hence I can learn A LOT from this individual.

In the following I will apply self-forgiveness on the various reactions that I had towards this individual and direct the point utilizing self-commitment statements.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards person X when he is my surrounding area – because I perceive that X speaks aggressively, in fast paced bursts of punching energy – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this personally, to react and to feel as if I am threatened or diminished, and that I require to protect myself around X – through either talking back or cowering and hiding from these, what I perceive to be, attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for making me feel attacked and aggressively treated, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to this problem is that X leaves from my life, or that I shove him away, and do not interact with him anymore – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution, and not a effective way of directing the point, but rather a form of escapism – where I want to escape myself, and how I experience myself, through blaming my experience of myself unto another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X, and believe that it’s his fault that I experience myself as attacked – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the back of my mind think that he’s rude, that he is not pleasant to be around, that he’s not a very nice and courteous individual – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for the way he is expressing himself – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that the very fact that I have these reactions within me, indicates that I do have the same issues and behavioral patterns as is the case with X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by X, and when X is speaking – take a stance within myself as if expecting the worst, and believing that at any moment, I will be vehemently attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself around X and not express and share myself fully – but only reveal so much of myself that I believe is safe – and that I believe will not cause any major, bad and negative experiences for me, where I am going to feel hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as being insensitive, and brutish, and without the ability to see how his words is affecting his environment – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto blame towards X, and feeling as if X has been, making my life more difficult than what it has to be, and has contributed to me feeling attacked, and criticized – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that the fact I am reacting this – shows that I am also accepting and allowing this type of program in my mind – where I accept and allow myself to not be sensitive to how my words influence and affect my environment – and where I instead just speak for the sake of speaking with no effective consideration and support for another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as being smug, pretentious and full of himself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to person X –and want to remove him from my world, believing that each time he comes into my world, he will make me feel bad, start sharing information, and facts with this superior body language, and tonality, and try to make himself more than me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am also accepting and allowing this very program to exist within me – and that person X is in-fact revealing to me how I am not yet effectively standing with regards to me approaching people, and situations, and sharing myself without ego – and without trying to impress upon others how effective I am with knowledge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is obviously completely meaningless to judge X, and to try to push him out of my world – because the fact is that X is representing and showing parts of myself that I’ve not yet wanted to recognize and see – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that through interacting and being together with X I will be able to establish for myself where and how I exist as these patterns myself – and thus effectively work with my reactions of judgment that currently clouds my eyes – where I instead of seeing myself clearly – judge and suppress parts of myself that I don’t want to recognize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s actually from the persons that I resist the most, and that I have the most reactions towards, that I am able to learn the most – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that instead of viewing my reactions towards X as a problem – I can instead see them as being the start of something new, and opening up a new area and part of my life that I’ve not yet been researching and looking into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that X is in-fact giving me lot’s of information that I am able to use in order to open more of myself – and thus trying to push out X from my life, or judging X for who he is – is in-fact completely pointless and doesn’t lead to anything beneficial

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of and as inferiority, fear and cowering, because I perceive that another person is speaking aggressively, is speaking harshly, and with these very strong, and fiery words – I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that any reaction I have, indicates that there are points I’ve not yet dealt with, and doesn’t in-fact say anything about the other person – and thus I see, realize and understand that my interactions with this person in-fact represents and opportunity for me to get to know myself – and thus I commit myself to stop, and to see that the words are only words, that they are sound and possibly contain energy – yet they can’t harm or hurt me – or define me – thus I commit myself to breath and let the words pass through me

When and as I see that I am sharing information with another, from a starting point of thinking, and feeling that I know so much, that I am really well-read and extremely effective – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of sharing and giving information to another is in-fact a form of ego, where I am being smug and pretentious, and going into a state of superiority, where I believe myself to be more than another – and thus I see, realize and understand that the solution is to share information with a stable tonality here, making information, facts and knowledge equal to all parts of me as the physical; and thus I commit myself to not change in my physical presence and expression when I am sharing information with another – but instead remain here and breath – and stabilize myself with my voice – practicing a stable voice tonality

When and as I see that I am judging X as being insensitive, I immediately stop myself I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this judgment exists within me only because I am myself in moments living such an insensitivity, where I become the center of the world, where my energetic, feeling-experience because the most important thing that there is, and my world, and the experience of others in my world, in a way disappear, and everything that becomes important is myself, and my experience – and thus I commit myself to instead learn about myself from X – and to within this process – commit myself to when I share of myself – to be sensitive and aware of others and how my behavior and words influence them – and not take another for granted

Day 85: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Lately I’ve been having some very specific reactions of anger in relation to certain peoples in my world. Thus, here in this blog I am going to investigate this reaction, to see how it is that I’ve created this reaction within me, and to also let it go through applying self-forgiveness, and committing myself to not anymore re-create this particular point.

Let’s get into it: the context of this reaction is that a particular person in my world, and here understand that it’s irrelevant who this person is, because it’s not about that other person, the reaction is a outflow consequence of my relationship with myself – thus the focus is me and not the other person – let’s continue: this particular person in my world acts in a way that I perceive as being disrespectful, inconsiderate, and laconic – I perceive that this person is getting a free ride on work that I am doing, when he/she is well enough capable of putting down his weight behind the carriage as well.

The primary point of the reaction is that I feel I am doing more, I am giving it my all, I am pushing the point, but this other person doesn’t.

Then comes the question, why does this make me angry, and frustrated? Is it possibly as such that I am doing exactly the same as what I perceive this person to be doing? Is it possibly as such that I am doing the least possible amount of work in certain areas of my life, just the same as what I perceive this other person to be doing?

In relation to my writings I’d like to, before I continue, interject a small notification here in relation to how I am writing out this point, observe how I am utilizing the word “perceive” when I describe what I feel in relation to this other person. This is a very specific choice of words, because within this I am in-fact making the statement that I actually don’t know what the other person is doing, and that it’s really not relevant, because what is relevant is my relationship with myself, and the reaction that is coming up within me, thus I use the word “perceive” the assist and support myself to bring back the point to myself, and make sure there is no room for blame that can rob me of my moment of transcendence.

Thus, continuing – now the cool part about life, living, and how I experience myself within that, is that EVERYTHING is a mirror reflection of myself; thus when I experience any form of reaction towards any point in this world, this ALWAYS says something about my relationship with myself. In regards to anger, the specific point that such a reaction usually tends to mirror, is that I am doing something that I don’t want to admit that I am doing, and then I am pushing this unto another so that I won’t have to deal with it.

The pertinent question is thus, am I laconic somewhere in my world? Do I give the least amount of effort somewhere in my world? Do I enjoy a free ride on others somewhere in my world? Here I am able to see that, yes, I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do this in regards to certain work-responsibilities, wherein I’ve known that I require to give more effort, time, and participate more with my work to get the results I want, but I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to do so, because I’ve rather valued entertainment, and my hobbies as being more important.

The solution is thus to correct this particular point within me, to learn to prioritize, and to make room for my hobbies, and some entertainment each day, yet not accept and allow this point to be walked at the expense of my commitments, and my responsibilities, that obviously must come first, because they are important, have a real factual impact not only in my life, but in the life’s of others, and thus it’s important that I walk such points to the fullest of my abilities, and not accept and allow myself to compromise such points, because I am not prioritizing my time effectively.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply the simple point of walking my commitments and responsibilities first, and then when I am done with these, accepting and allowing myself to enjoy entertainment, and my hobbies, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest, and self-disciplined in terms of prioritizing my time, wherein I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise my responsibilities, and my commitments in order to get to walk my interests, and my hobbies, and to feel, and become entertained, and within that missing the important point, that my responsibilities, and commitments obviously come before me feeling entertained, and me being able to dive into my hobbies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest in prioritizing my time during my day according to my commitments, and responsibilities, to as such make sure that I am not creating any form of consequence in my world, through not pushing myself to remain self-honest, and walk with, and work with that which is in-fact important; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that the slight guilt, and discomfort that I’ve experienced, as I’ve allowed myself to immerse myself into and as my hobbies, and interest, that this experience is specific, and is in-fact a signal to myself that I am not effectively prioritizing my time, but instead giving into my desires, and wants, instead of looking what is required to be done and acting accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am really very aware within myself of when I am compromising my responsibilities, and commitments, but that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to recognize, and understand the fact that I am aware, and that this awareness of what I am doing takes form in a experience of discomfort, and guilt; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to stand, and walk in and as self-honesty in regards to my commitments, and my responsibilities in life, and as such make sure that I am first tending to points that must be walked, that must be finished, to must be taken into and as a practical solution, and then when I am doing with such points, I walk what I desire, what I want, such as my hobbies and interests; and within this I see, realize, and understand that this is the only way to walk my life that will not produce aversive consequences for myself, or anyone else in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I can’t run away from myself, and that there is in-fact such a thing as integrity, and that I know when I do not stand equal to integrity within myself, and I know when I do not act, and I do not live, and I do not make decisions in consideration of what is best for all, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and push myself to align myself with and as integrity in every moment of breath, wherein a part of this would be that I prioritize my time according to what must be done, and is required to be done, and not according to what I feel like doing, what I desire to do, and what I experience would be the most fulfilling to do – but that I instead look at my world, and my reality practically, and accordingly make a decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that there is no such thing as being able to go against what I know is best for all without consequence, I mean the consequence is always accumulating and the proof of this is that I become angry and frustrated when and as I do not act, and walk within and as what I know is best for all, and what I know is support, and assisting, for not only myself, but my world as a whole; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself within and as the principle of life, as giving as I’d like to receive, and walking this through amongst other things, prioritizing my time – and making sure that I first get to walk my commitments, and my responsibilities, and when I am done with these, that I then accept and allow myself to get into that which I find enjoyable as my hobbies, and interests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all it takes for me to change this point, is that I change my perspective on living, and that I instead of just looking at my feelings as I make decisions, look at the practical outflows of the decisions; and within this it’s obvious common sense that the practical outflow of not accepting and allowing myself to stick with, and walk with my commitments, and my responsibilities, is that I am going to compromise my commitments, and responsibilities, and that I won’t be able to get the results that I want to have, and that I see is best for me, as well as best for my world as a whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contaminate my decision making skills, and abilities, through accepting and allowing myself to look at decisions, to look at my commitments, and my responsibilities, and the time I’ve through-out my day, through and as energy, as experience, instead of looking at what is practical, what is required to be done, what must be done, and how I am able to walk this particular point in a way that will be assisting, and supporting for all, and that will bring through this point of growth in my world, not only for me, but for all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the simplicity of changing this point, and that it’s all about making a decision, that I will simply not do that which I desire, want, and like to do first, but that I will do that which is required to be done, which is needed to be done, which is a practical responsibility that can’t be pushed away, first – and then when I am doing with that – I will accept and allow myself to give myself some time to do what I enjoy as my interests and hobbies; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice structuring my time, structuring my day, and making sure that I walk my day physically, practically, here, and not through experience

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into a desire, of wanting to do what I enjoy, like, and find pleasure in doing, even though I have responsibilities, and commitments are still required to be walked, and sorted out; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am compromising myself, and my relationship with myself, when I don’t stick to walking, and push my commitments, and responsibilities, as the points that must be walked, before I allow myself to take time to immerse myself into interests, and hobbies; as such I commit myself to make the simple decision to not follow this desire, and this energy – but instead first do what I require to do, what must be done – as my commitments, and my responsibilities, and when I am doing with that – to then do that which I like to do, and that which I have as a hobby; thus first – responsibility – then play and games

When and as I see that I am becoming angry, and frustrated at others for feeling that they are not taking care, and handling their responsibilities effectively, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is me reflecting me back to myself, and that I am really seeing myself, and that thus I require to look into my world, and see how it is that I am doing the same, compromising my responsibilities, and commitments, in favor of experience; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here – and to change myself, and walk my responsibilities, and commitments first – to get these done – and then walk what I’d like to do

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Day 49: Feeling Attacked, Compromised, and Belittled

So – what an intense day! Driving a taxi means that I meet lot’s of people on a daily-basis – and this is a perfect spot to find out where it is that I am still reacting – because sometimes certain types of characters will enter my taxi, and I will experience a direct resistance, and dislike towards them – and obviously this means that there is something to investigate – I mean – it’s obvious common sense that the dislike, and resistance I experience is not about the other person in-fact, but it’s about me – as MY REACTION towards the other person.

Thus – today I met a person that I had one of these instant reactions of dislike, and resistance towards – and this blog will be dedicated to the point of bringing this particular reaction back to myself and investigating – what the hell is going on with me around this person.

So – the first time I met this character I experienced this person as being rude, critical, inconsiderate, and mean – and in went into a state of inferiority, and nervousness to make a fault – in fear of being criticized, and attacked by this others person; so in essence I went into a state of bully-protection mode – wherein I perceived this other person as being a bully that is out to get me, and that is able to get me – and accordingly I must defend myself!

homme d'affaire géantAnother interesting aspect is that I can see that I blamed this person for causing this reaction within me – thinking that “this person is so rude, and mean – she doesn’t realize how sensitive I am!” – “She doesn’t understand how easy I can break – just one word that is placed wrongly and I will go into a complete reaction!” – so I was blaming this other person and that naturally made it even hard for me to stabilize myself as I went into the state of inferiority, and wanting to secure all my bases – making sure that I don’t commit a single mistake.

So, as I was driving – I spoke with this person – now – at one point I asked the person to clarify a point – this was met with a reaction wherein I was called stupid, and dumb – towards this I immediately reacted and went into a form of shock – a form of taken-aback shock wherein my heart started to beat faster, and my mouth starting to produce saliva – and within this I started to become worried that the person will notice my reaction – see this as a weakness and make even more aggressive attacks.

What happened after I’d left the customer was that I went into my mind and started back chatting about this woman was really “bad” – and that she probably had lot’s of self-criticism, and now she was taking this out on me! And then within that feeling victimized, and abused – because I as a taxi-driver couldn’t “stand up” to the customer and demand that I didn’t want to be treated in that way – because as a taxi-driver – I have to be pleasurable, and welcoming towards my customer – I simply can’t become angry.

So, this is interesting because it shows me how I want to “fight back” – which implies that I think, and regard myself as being attacked – while the truth is that I AM NOT BEING attacked – it’s just specific words that are mentioned, in specific tonalities, accompanied with specific bodily movements – and this I then interpret within my mind as an attack – I mean it’s simply not a attack it’s instead a interpretation.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and believe that another is attacking me when specific words such as idiot, stupid, worthless, and dumb are used – together with a loud and piercing tonality – that sound “accusing” in a way; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this picture, and sound-environment that I experienced in that moment wasn’t about me – I mean it wasn’t personal in anyway but merely a particular symbolic message in the moment that another portrayed and that I interpreted and internalized within me – thinking that “it’s about me” and that “I am being attacked” instead of understanding that this is not the case

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as someone speaks the words dumb, idiot, stupid, and worthless around me – to go into and as a state of fear, and hypersensitivity – wherein I am hyper-aware of my environment from a starting point of trying to localize and prevent and form of threat – threat here meaning that someone would call me dumb, idiot, stupid, or worthless; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when someone use these words around me – and to go into and as a state of “defending myself” – and thinking that I am being attacked and as such I must “attack back”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of protection – as a state of hypersensitivity, and hyper-awareness – wherein my body is completely stiff, my heart begins to beat faster, and my mouth produce more saliva – in essence placing myself into a “fight-or-flight” mode – wherein I ready myself either evade an attack, or attack myself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in actual physical reality – there is nothing happening – I mean my survival isn’t threatened – only the mind-idea of myself is threatened – something that isn’t real; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in the moment when this point occurs – to state within me that what others say do not define me – I am here – I define, and decide who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am being compromised, and belittled when and as another speak the words idiot, dumb, stupid, and worthless in my vicinity with a tonality that is loud, piercing, and direct; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s words personally – to take the tonality another use to express themselves personally – to believe that what another say, and how they say it is about me – and that it’s robbing me of my honor, and pride; instead of realizing, and understanding that this is not real – I mean what is happening in the physical is that some words are uttered – and when these words are uttered no emotional experience is created in the physical – instead simply words are being spoken; which shows that my experience of the point is the mind – and is in-fact a illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and think that it’s another’s fault when I react to specific words in fear, anxiety, and inferiority – thinking that – “they should be more careful about the words they speak, because they don’t know how I am going to react” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself – and to want to be a victim – to want to be dominated, and controlled by another – because then I don’t have to take responsibility for my reactions, and I am simply able to blame another and say that it’s their fault – and that I have nothing to do with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a victim state towards another, as a state of active blame – wherein I think that I’ve been unjustly treated, and dishonorably treated – and that I because of this deserve to attack, deserve to defend myself, and deserve to isolate myself within and as a emotional experience of feeling less than – inferior – belittled – unjustly harmed, and accused; and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this approach is not a solution – in-fact it merely adds to the point of reaction even more – because through blaming another I fuel my initial reaction; as such I realize that the solution is self-responsibility – and stopping my reaction, and seeing that it’s me that creates the reaction and nobody else but me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within me justify me reaction of self-victimization, and feeling hurt – through looking at another, and thinking that “they are evil” – “they are bad!” – thinking that “they must be bad else I wouldn’t experience myself like this” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I mean – this point is only a justification to hide from the fact that – only I exist within me – thus only me is responsible for what occurs, and happens within me – I mean – it doesn’t matter how much I try to twist the point, and avoid the truth – because it’s undeniable that I am responsible for what exists, and goes on within me and nobody else but me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that another is a “evil old lady, and that it can be seen in her eyes that she wants to do bad unto me” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is yet again a excuse, and a justification – wherein I am trying to not see who is the actual creator within me – and avoid understanding, and facing the truth within me – which is that I am responsible – and that if I want to change the experience of me – then I must do this through actual practical labor – and that nobody else can give this to me but me; as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to practice standing effective – self-motivated – and untouchable in every moment of breath in the full understanding that what-ever goes on and opens up within me – is me and nobody else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the age, and looks of another as trigger points – to which I am able to think that “this person is ugly and there wants to do me bad!” – instead of realizing, seeing, and understanding that regardless of the looks, and appearance of another – I am responsible for what goes on within me – I mean – I can’t escape this fact regardless of how much would want to do – because the truth of the matter is that I am the creator within me – thus I create myself to feel belittled, hurt, and provoked – and that nobody else but me is responsible for stopping and ending this experience within me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am taking it personally, and that I am emotionally reacting when another speaks words such as idiot, stupid, dumb, and worthless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that another is speaking the words – yes – but this has no direct connection to what I experience within me – it’s like there is actual rope or something attached to the words another speak that goes into me and activates a emotional experience; no – this is because it’s me that is the creator of what goes on within me; as such I commit myself to breath – and state that I am not defined, controlled, or created by the behavior or words of another – I decide, define, and create myself in oneness and equality with and as my human physical body here as breath

When and as I see that I am going into a state of physical pressure, and hypersensitivity, and hyperawareness as to what goes on within me from a starting point of fear; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – what another says or does is something that do not effect me as to my beingness experience of myself – I mean – as such – I am creating myself which makes it completely stupid that I would defend myself, or attack; as such I commit myself to stop involving others in what I experience within me – and instead focus my attention on breath – and breathing through the experience I have come up within me

When and as I feel that I am being compromised, and attacked, when someone speak the words idiot, dumb, stupid, and worthless in my vicinity with a sharp, direct, loud, and forceful tonality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am not really being attacked, or compromised – I mean – what’s happening in reality is that someone is speaking particular words in a particular tonality close to me – it’s got nothing to do with what I experience; as such I commit myself to align myself with this understanding through breathing deeply – and relaxing my human physical body – understanding that I am not being threatened – I am here – and everything is cool

When and as I see that I am going into blame, and resentfulness towards another – because I feel, and experience that they are making me feel dumb, compromised, and have a experience of inferiority – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – it’s useless to blame another because I’ve created what I experience within me – and it’s my paranoia, it’s my inflated self-interest that I experience as energy – and it’s no one else’s responsibility but my own to stop this experience – direct this experience – and bring myself back here to physical reality; as such I commit myself to breath and bring myself back into my physical body – and interact, communicate, and move myself here without resentment, or blame – understanding that I am the creator and that I am responsible

When and as I see that I am thinking that I deserve to isolate myself into a experience of victimization as inferiority, and feeling belittled – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean it’s completely unnecessary to go into this state of being – and that I am really punishing no one but myself – I am my own greatest enemy; as such I commit myself to change this relationship and make myself my biggest asset – through supporting myself in the moment to breath through the experience of inferiority, and feeling belittled – and bring myself back here to physical equality and oneness with and as my human physical body – here – and move, and direct myself without being influenced or controlled by and through energy

When and as I see that I am justifying my reaction of self-victimization, feeling belittled, and feeling hurt – through thinking that it must be another’s fault because apparently they are bad, and evil, and untrustworthy – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that focusing upon what another is doing, or isn’t doing is a diversion tactics – wherein I try to divert myself from the point that requires direction – which is me – SELF – through looking at my idea of what, or who another is; as such I commit myself to BREATH – and to focus upon myself – and more specifically focus upon stabilizing myself and bringing myself back to breath and physical self-movement in the stability of and as breath

When and as I see that I am focusing upon another as to what they are doing, or not doing – thinking that they “look evil, and thus must be causing this point within me!” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that any experience that I have is always my own point to deal with and thus it’s easy to see that any form of focus that I place outside of myself is diversion tactics – where I in essence divert myself from real change – through trying to find out what I think another is doing wrong; as such I commit myself to align my focus to myself – to focus upon me HERE – each breath being the focus point of every moment – as such stopping myself from looking outside of myself and instead placing my attention, and seeing – HERE

When and as I see that I am using the age, and the looks of another – as reasons to why apparently they are to blame – and they are at fault – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that blame in any form is always self-limitation – because the effect of blame is that I will not deal with the real issues which is me – and my relationship with myself; as such I commit myself to stop looking at others, to stop thinking about others – and to understand that the real issue that needs sorting out is ME, and my relationship with myself

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Day 23: A Hero, and a Savior

During the last couple of days some points have opened up – and these points are specifically in relation to a particular savior/hero-character that I’ve developed.

greatest-american-heroFor example – this character will come up while I am in a discussion with someone, about something – and then the other person will mention something that I consider to not be very self-honest – for example they might conclude that they are going to do something in the future that I find to be very risky and dangerous. As this happens I will then enter my savior/hero-character – which in essence mean that I will try to show another “the right way” – and make sure that I help another to not walk the wrong path.

As I do this I will not be clear, or stable – but I will experience a slight unease in my solar-plexus – and if the other person disagrees with me as to what I suggest – I tend to go into a state of competition, or fighting – where I will now try to prove to the other person that my suggestions are the correct suggestions, and that the other person should listen to me because that’d be best for that person – in my mind that is.

It’s interesting that I have this obsession with what other persons are doing, and that I am not instead paying attention to my life – and what I am doing. Because that should be my main priority – making it certain that I am stable, that I make effective decisions, and that I know what I am doing – so this point of focusing upon what others are doing – and trying to save, and be a hero to others – it’s really a point of me hiding from myself – so as to not see where in my life I require to be a hero, and savior for myself – and also a way for me to feel good about myself – because when I’ve “helped” another – I tend to feel good about myself, and think that I’ve done a good deed.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of superiority, as a state of thinking that I know more, and that I am more effective than another – and that I as such require to help another, and put another on the right path – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into and as the pattern, and state of being as the missionary – wherein I am on my mission to convince others that I am right – and that I know the best – within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am trying to convince others – and have others agree with me – because I’ve not yet effectively stabilized myself in my relationship to me – and feel that I require another to agree with me – before I am able to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, and experience that I can’t trust myself – and that I can’t know that what I see, and what I understand is real – if others don’t see things the same way as me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time trying to convince others – and have others see things the same way as I see things – instead of focusing upon myself – and looking at what problems I’ve within me – and why it is that I do not trust myself – why is it that I feel I must convince others, and make others think the same as me – before I am able to stand stable, certain, and assertive within a particular realization that I’ve had?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for recognition in others – through presenting myself as “the wise man” – wherein I’ll try to give others advice, and save others from the perils that I perceive they are going to walk through in their life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with what others are doing – what others experience – instead of me looking at what particular reactions this brings up within me – and seeing that my so called “assistance and support” is really something that is driven from an experience within me – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t been self-honest with me – in recognizing when it is that I have an experience within – and when it is that I am speaking from such an experience – to as such allow me to become more specific and directive in relation to the mind – and not allow myself to in anyway be enslaved – controlled, or directed by and through the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give others advice in order to feel superior and more than within me – and within this I forgive myself that haven’t realized that I must only feel more than, and pump myself up – when I’ve defined myself as less than – and as apparently not having – not being equal to others, but instead less than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a definition, and idea of myself as being less than others – as thinking that my life have been such a failure, and such a mistake – that I as such in order to pump myself up to equality with others – that I require to become this wise man, that give lot’s of very wise suggestions – and that others respect because of the suggestions that I give; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself – take a breath – and realize that I don’t require to have an energy of superiority within me to be equal with others – and that I don’t require to make amends for my mistakes, and failures in the past through becoming a wise-character – but that I can forgive myself – and start a new

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not start a new in my life – and to within this accept and allow myself to be born again – and as such in every moment as I participate with people do so here without any pre-conceived ideas as to who I am – as to what I should say – as to who I should be – to as such accept and allow myself to discover myself as self-expression here – as being real – not planned, and not moved by and through any secret agenda of the mind as trying to feel more than – or trying to avoid feeling less than – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and push myself to live and exist in every moment as a new born – with a clean slate – letting go of the past moment – and getting into this moment as a breath – as a physical presence movement here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I require to become more than what I’ve been in my past – because apparently I’ve been such a looser in my past that I now require to move myself, and push myself to become something more – and to show others that I’ve become something more through speaking words, and sharing points – hoping that others are going to react, and within this recognize me as having changed – and as having become more – so that I will be able to feel good about myself, and feel as if my life have purpose – and that I’ve done something good with myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am able to forgive myself – that I am able to let go of the past, to let go of experience – to let go of feeling like a failure – and accordingly not have to be anyone, or say anything – to have another see me as a success – because I let go of that whole point in all it’s facets and allow myself to be re-born in every moment of breath

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into a state, and character of the wise man, the hero, or savior character – wherein I will give advice, and speak wise things to help another avoid a point – or learn something – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this character is not me – it’s simply me trying to be something that I am not thinking that who I am naturally here is apparently not enough – not effective enough – and that I require to be more – I realize that this is not true and that it’s simply an idea that I’ve created over time; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical – and to live myself as my own individual and unique self-expression here – where I don’t try to be more, or less than me – but I take a breath – and I accept and allow myself to be me

When and as I see that I am limiting myself, through thinking that my past is a failure, and that I in order to fix this failure require to become something more in my life – and that I require to show to others that I’ve managed to become and create myself as something more – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I don’t require to become more – I don’t require to show to others that I’ve changed, or that I know have another understanding, or definition of life, and living as what I had in the past – as such I commit myself to stop searching for understanding from others, and to stop searching for being recognized by others – and I instead accept and allow myself to focus upon myself, and to recognize myself, my understandings, and my comprehension of this world – and to accept and allow myself to let go of any feeling, and idea that my life to this point have been a failure

When and as I see that I am speaking to others – giving advice, or trying to show others a point – from a starting point of reaction as experiencing a slight anxiety in my chest – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this anxiety shows to me that I am  not yet ready so to speak – to direct another being – and that I am not yet ready to speak about this particular topic – because the anxiety indicates that I don’t have a clue as to what it is that I am saying, and that I am not stable in relation to the other person, and that what I am saying have a secret agenda – because I am not clear, stable – and directive here; as such I commit myself to before I speak with another – to make sure I am not in anyway reacting within myself – and if I notice that I do react – to then not speak, and not go into the point of trying to assist, and support another – but first, and foremost clarify the point for myself – and assist and support myself to remove, and take away the anxiety, or fear, or uncertainty that I experience

 

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