Tag Archives: popular

Day 328: Desiring Success In A Unsuccessful World

Success, a word, that to most is imbued with feelings, hopes, desires, wants, jealousy, competition, greed and secrecy. Most of us, in some way or another strives to be successful. We have defined success as having money, having a nice house, having a fruitful career, having perfect children, a perfect spouse, an interesting life and many friends. We have thus defined the word very much in relation to our external reality, and, very much as a individual point of achievement. It is seldom that success is used in the context of nations, groups of people, collectives, or with the entire world as the recipient. Success, thus, in the modern western world is something we reach alone, that we hold unto, and that becomes our currency in the survival game that we play in the system of money.

I find it interesting that it is so easy to loose oneself in this game of success. Until I began my university studies I was well protected from this game. It is fascinating to look back at how I was back then. My decisions then were in many cases based on what would be suitable and effective for me as a person. For example, when I went into hobbies, or pursued interests, it was most of the times not done from within a starting point of wanting to impress anyone, or to achieve recognition, rather it was something I did for and as myself, because I enjoyed it. However, when I began my university studies, I got to see and get involved with the game of success more closely; a game that is played with what careers we have, how much money we are able to accumulate, who we know, where we live, and where we do not live. It is a game of competing with our achievements, where we try to become better, so that we can feel valuable.

Thus, to some extent, I lost myself in this game, because gradually it became more difficult for me to see what I wanted to do, and what direction that would be the best for me, and that is because, in each and every process of consideration, a fear was intersecting: ‘What if I will not be successful?’. And thus I would gravitate towards certain career paths, and lifestyles, that I knew were considered, by the greater mass, as desirable. However, in this, I lost touch with myself, and with what I saw as a future for myself – or – I became more acutely aware that my life direction was very much determined by the input of others and not so much a self-directed decision as to where I want to go and what I want to do with myself in this lifetime.

Hence, the solution is the redefine success – this word is obviously not limited to having a efficient career, having access to money, and being popular, it is much more. And within this, what should also be looked at is the question as to whether it is possible to lead a successful life, FOR REAL, when the majority of human beings live in conditions of squalor. Is it successful to have a fuck-load of money, and spend that on things that interest us, while people exist in dismay all around us? I would say it is a extremely limited form of successful, and rather a form of narcissism – where we only care about ourselves and cannot give the slightest of fucks about anyone else.

How should success be lived for it to be real? For success to be real, it must be lived in consideration of others, it cannot be this single, desire driven, inner momentum, where we ONLY care about our own achievements, and disregard what consequences that might create in the lives of others. Further, real success cannot be something that is only existent on a personal level, because there is as well, a interpersonal and a existential level to the word success – where we are able to bring through this word into living not only for ourselves, but for the we interact with on a daily basis, and for the world as a whole. Hence, success is a word with great potential, but that has become severely limited, due to how we have defined it in the context of how we FEEL and also created a form of success competition between each-other – instead of understanding that – on a personal level – we all have our individual points of success. For one, success might be to develop a deep and fulfilling intimacy with himself – for another – success might be to push himself to become as an efficient and capable athlete. We cannot label people according to a limited ‘one size fits all’ idea of success – as that will only cause us to compete with one another. Success on a personal level is always unique and that is something we must embrace.

In my next blog I will continue to expand on the word success and find a fitting redefinition.


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Day 318: Insider or Outsider, Where Do You Want To Be?

Have you ever felt like an outsider? The word is usually used in the context of social interaction, the forming and shaping of groups, friendships, and other social structures – and it identifies the individuals that are not part of the social structure that has developed. In the dictionary, an outsider is, among other things, defined as a person who is not accepted by or who isolates themselves from society.

Looking at the emotional charge of the word, it has a definitive negative emotional connotation. Being an outsider is not something that is defined as a positive characteristic of a person, and hence, many of us, are very much fearful of excommunication, of bullying, and being pushed away from our current social setting, that is to say, from the group within which we have come to define ourselves. Existing within such a fear is a limitation, and hence it is clear that, for anyone feeling like an outsider, the solution is not to strive to become an insider, the solution is not to build your self-image, and self-value upon you being part of a group. For us to be self-reliant, self-confident, effective people with integrity to be able to stand for what we see is best for all, there cannot be any emotional dependency on a group of people.

Being an outsider is however not a solution, and what I have found in my own process of walking through and directing the ‘outsider-character’ is that it is also a mind-construct with a core point of fear. Here the fear is also that of being excommunicated and pushed out from the group, however the tactic is different. Instead of playing along with the game, and aiming to be accepted and loved by a group, the strategy is to never be part of a group to begin with, because then the fear of being rejected by a group will never materialize. It is a more cunning way of avoiding the hurtful experience of rejection, however, it is also severely limiting our potential as human beings to expand, form relationships and get to know people.

The solution is not to try and make ourselves friends with everyone, and the solution is not to become an outsider and push people away. What I have realized is that in order to transcend this polarity of either being an insider, or an outsider, we have to deal with the core issues – and that is in both cases – fear. For me, this fear has consisted out of the fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being liked and fear of not fitting in.

To deal with these fears, what I did was that I asked myself questions, such as the following: ‘Why do I fear rejection? Why do I fear not being accepted? Why do I fear not being liked and not fitting in?’ – and what came through here is that all of these fears relate back to me – and that I have not developed a sufficient self-standing, self-acceptance, and self-value. Because would I be able to fear rejection if I knew that regardless of what happened, I would always stand with and by myself and be fulfilled and whole in that? And would I fear not being liked or fitting in, if I would enjoy myself, and perfectly well, fit into my own life the way I see is best for all?

The answer to those questions is no – and as such we are able to learn a lot about ourselves through investigating how we feel around groups of people, how we interact, how we think and whether we decide to become an outsider or an insider. I have found that our emotional experiences is only ever a consequence of a misalignment in our relationship with ourselves, and should only be used as a guiding light to find the real underlying issues.

I have found that the most efficient way to direct these underlying issues, which are the real problem, is to LIVE WORDS. The process of living words is easy to understand and it is being thoroughly walked through at the School of Ultimate Living, which I suggest anyone interested in changing deep seated compromising habits and patterns to pay a visit to. Living Words basically means that we establish a word, with a definition, that effectively serves as a placeholder for a new expression we want to establish in our lives, and then we put that new expression into practice.

With me, I established that the word self-acceptance would assist and support me to change my experience of myself. I looked at how I could express this word in my day-to-day living – in this I saw that I regularly throughout my days – judged myself for how I interacted with people. I thought back on my interactions either defining them as ‘good’ or as ‘bad’. I defined a interaction as good when there was a flow to the conversation and a natural comfortableness between the other person and I. The interaction was defined as bad when there was a miscommunication, an emotion coming through, uncertainty coming to the surface, or some other external or internal event occurred that stopped the ‘flow’ in the moment.

Then I could see that an effective way of living self-acceptance would be to stop these assessments of myself and my social interactions with others – and to replace this assessment chatter with me accepting myself in the moment of interaction – and doing that through relaxing my body, feeling my breath, and bringing myself back HERE whenever I could see that this assessment chatter wanted to come up within me. Hence practically developing and LIVING self-acceptance – and through this process I have been able to change my experience of myself when it comes to groups – where I am not anymore as afraid of what people might think of me, and how well I fit in, or whether I am liked or not.

Living words is a efficient way of transcending the polarity of being an insider or outsider – and it places the focus back on self. Because it is not about whether we feel apart of the group or not, it is all a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves – and hence – all of our lives can be used as a support for us to get to know ourselves more intimately and establish new patterns and expressions that are best for all.


Other blogs on this topic:

Day 577 – Do I not belong?

437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Outsiders – day 695

461: You Don’t Have to be an Outsider – Invite Yourself In

Day 1102: Stepping out of Your Comfort Zone

Day 148- Isolating Myself from Relationship’s

The Outsider – Day 511

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Day 218: Recognizing Myself

One emotional experience that have come up recently with more force and fervor has been that of looking at my life, my relationships and daily living – and then comparing this to the lives of others – and in that making a conclusion – that apparently my life is a failure – my life is not good enough – and I’ve not established or walked a sufficiently fulfilling life.

For some context in terms of how the point emerged within me. I was scrolling through Facebook, and then saw a post from an old friend – and decided to see what he’s been up to. I saw that he’d acquired a new job, and that he’d been left with many comments, where his former work colleagues shared with him how much he was going to be missed at his old job.

This then triggered the particular experience within me, where I had this image come up in my mind of my bedroom as I wake up in the morning, and then followed by backchat, that was charged with an energy of failure – thus these statements emerged where I was berating myself for not through my life having created more relationships with people where they would write similar things to me – as to how much they were going to miss me and feel sad that I couldn’t be a part of their lives anymore.

The energy that was triggered by the thought and the backchat was failure – and I felt like an underachiever. What I did in that moment was to slow down, and immediately apply self-forgiveness on the energy as well as the backchat – and this assisted and supported me to clear the experience and return to the stability of breathing and being here with my human physical body. Though because this experience was intense and it’s come up several times – I saw that it was required for me to investigate it more closely.

Now, in analyzing and picking a part this experience – I’m able to see that the origin of this point is a lack of self-acceptance – and the problem is that I’ve defined self-acceptance in a relationship to success – and success in association to attaining fame and popularity in the system – because hey – that is what I saw in the comments that where directed towards my friend – he seemed popular, liked and appreciated!

Obviously, the most burning of questions is why I don’t give that appreciation to myself – or rather HOW I don’t give that appreciation and acceptance to myself – because if I was appreciating and accepting myself – would I then experience this urge and want of having others seeing, recognizing and valuing me? No – I wouldn’t.

Thus – HOW am I not giving this to myself? The first thing I’m able to see is that I don’t accept and allow myself to recognize myself for what I actually HAVE DONE and ACCOMPLISHED in my life – because there are a few things I’ve done that took great effort and willpower – that I’m actually proud over when looking back. Though that is not something that I yet allow myself to really embrace – thus – the first point of self-correction and living application that I see I can implement in my process of correcting this point – is to accept and allow myself to recognize what I’ve done and accomplished – and in that allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with myself – and thus accept and allow that point of self-recognition and self-appreciation to come through instead of hoping that others are going to give it to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself – and accept and allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with the points that I’ve accomplished in my life – that I’ve given effort into and walked to perfection – and that I’ve really had to push and will myself through resistances and limitations in order to create – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate my strengths, skills, aptitudes, talents and capabilities – and what I am in-fact effective and good at – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted – and to compare myself with others and berate me for the weaknesses I have – instead of assisting and supporting myself to strengthen my strengths – to enhance those points in myself where I’m already effective and potent – and thus place my focus and attention on what I’m able to create in my life – instead of that which I perceive to be a problem and that I’m not able to walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never be satisfied and content with myself – even though I accomplish a great feat and really push myself to establish a particular point that do requires effort – to believe that I am not worthy of recognition, praise and acceptance – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the behavior of my parents – living and creating a belief that I must never be satisfied with myself because that is apparently not something that I am accepted and allowed to give to myself – because apparently I am flawed and less than – and thus doomed to for an eternity walk in this life thirsting for acceptance yet never really ever finding a place of comfort for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the consequence of me at all times expecting more from myself – and not allowing myself to look back and see all the effective and cool points that I’ve manifested for myself – is that I am breaking myself down – instead of accepting and allowing myself to build myself – to through seeing what I’ve created and what I’ve been able to do – further push myself and become even more enthusiastic with regards to my self-creation process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the flawed starting point and premise that I’m apparently not worthy of self-acceptance, being proud over myself, and being satisfied with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when always being discontent with myself and my efforts – I will be able to produce greater results – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I am berating and judging myself – I’m in-fact breaking myself down – making me less capable and driven – because I generate an emotional experience within me of feeling like a failure – that then draws all my attention – instead of me placing my focus, effort and attention upon me creating myself as life – building myself as life – and walking my life to get done and establish that which is required to be established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having dedicated several years of my to myself with regards to walking this process of self-creation – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having soon completed a university education – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that in my life, and in that in myself which is effective, which is working – where I’m actually producing results that I should be satisfied with – because the results are actually very cool

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having walked through my resistances and pushed myself to progress in my Desteni I Process course – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that it’s something I’ve actually walked with great effort and that I’ve invested a lot of will power into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for that which I’ve walked and established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that only because I recognize myself – and see my achievements – that this doesn’t have to mean that I will become complacent and self-conceited – because obviously I can still push and will myself to create my life – yet when I recognize and actually accept and allow myself to see my progress – I create this natural drive and motivation to push myself – because I’m able to see the results – I’m able to see what I’m creating and what outflows and effects my creation have on myself and in the relationships in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for having pushed myself to participate as a host in the Desteni Hangouts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted as something that I simply should be doing – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s actually a commitment that I’ve made and that I’ve walked for quite some time – and that it’s been a point I’ve invested effort into and thus not something that just came to me easily – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that point in my life and in myself as something that I walked and created that I can in-fact be proud over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be hard on myself for having difficulties in creating networks and relationships with other people – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s unnecessary for me to go into this state of harshness and judgmental attitude – rather I commit myself to be forgiving – to accept myself as I am at the moment – and then from that starting point begin to push myself to become more effective in creating networks and relationships – not from a starting point of thinking that I am bad, wrong or unfitting in my current state – rather that I push myself from within and as a starting point of me wanting to expand and move myself beyond my limitations – because I enjoy it and find it fascinating – and because I’ve been able to do so with many other points in my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that a thought arise within me of me berating and judging myself, for me apparently having a boring, unsatisfactory, inferior lifestyle in comparison with others, in terms of being accepted, recognized and seen, being popular and having many relationships – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that this idea within me that I’m apparently a inferior human being isn’t aligned with reality – because there are many things in my life that I can be proud over, that I can give myself credit for, that I can be truly satisfied with – and thus I commit myself to recognize these aspects of my life – to give myself credit for what I’ve created and established – to give myself credit for my strengths, my skills, talents and aptitudes – and in that recognize, see and accept myself

When and as I see that I am berating and judging myself, for me not as I perceive others are able to do, creating relationships, networks, and doing these ‘fun’ ‘eventful’ and ‘interesting’ pastime activities with others – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in approaching these weaknesses of mine from this starting point of judgment, I’m in-fact only breaking myself down, and placing even further away from moving into a solution – and thus I commit myself to accept myself as I am at this stage – and from this starting point of unconditional self-acceptance – move myself to change – to direct myself – and to create myself in those areas of my life where I see that I’m not very effective or potent – and that there is more to build and create – more things to explore, realize and live

Day 196: Center of Attention

When I’m in social situations, and I get into the center of the attention, I find myself often becoming anxious and tense.

When I’ve looked into this point in the past, I concluded that it must have something to do with me wanting give others a pleasurable time, and then I’ll feel pressured to look and behave in a happy and carefree manner. Though, I can see that there are more layers to this point – and one of the more prominent is this point of giving others the initiative and responsibility to value me.

It’s quite fascinating, because in these situations, my attention will go to the onlookers, to within that try and interpret how they are experiencing themselves, and I will in that make a value-judgment – where depending on how I perceive that the others experience themselves, I will change, and mold myself, and give myself a value, as either being successful, or not successful.

This way of dealing with situations consequently puts a lot of pressure on me, because there is this sense of fear of loosing control, and that in order to maintain my value, I must maintain the positive vibe within the onlookers. It’s all very limiting and obviously there are more effective ways to deal with these points – and the solutions seems apparent – to stop using others and my interpretation of their experience of me as the measurement of my value.

I presume, that in the bottom of this reaction lies a deep-rooted inferiority, because that is in a way what happens – I feel inferior towards giving myself my own value, worth and meaning – and instead wait for others to do this for me. Though, common sense is that I am a physical being – equal here with everyone else – and thus equally capable of giving and defining my own value and worth. This experience and idea of me as being inferior, and thus lacking the ability, and right to value myself – that is really not in anyway true – it’s a misconception.

Thus – in this blog I am going to work with self-forgiveness on inferiority, particularly inferiority in relation to me deciding my value and worth, and also the point of control, as trying to control how others perceive me in a moment where I am in the center of attention.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the center of attention, to go into a state of pressure, and anxiety, wherein I begin to experience a sense of being unsettled, because I am not sure as to how others are going to experience me, and whether I will be able to control the experience of others or not, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a situation of me being in the center of attention, as me trying and wanting to control the experience of others, instead of me expressing myself unconditionally within and as breath here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the center of attention, to go into tension trying to control, and make sure that I have each beings experience under my wand, and that I am the controlling factor of the outcome in the moment, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of control, and instead trusting myself in the moment, and expressing myself from within and as a starting point that I am here, with and as my human physical body, and regardless of how others experience themselves, I stand, I move, and I trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use control in order to feel stable when I am in the center of attention, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that control is actually a very limited form of expression, because control is always based in some form of underlying fear, wherein there exists a fear of a particular outcome, and there is no self-trust to move the moment as it emerge, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in control as a form of self-distrust, instead of accepting and allowing myself to practice self-trust, and practice moving and expressing myself in a state of being relaxed, comfortable and effectively aligned with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and obsessed about wanting to have control over how others experience, define, judge and perceive me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, because obviously – when all my focus and attention goes towards how I perceive others perceive me – then there is no room left within me for me to actually express myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is no actual need for me to exist within and as this state of tension to be able to effectively direct myself in social situations – and that I can instead trust myself – and move myself in the moment – with the people – express and share myself effortlessly and without this point of anxiety and worry constantly pressing in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how control is actually an illusion – how it’s not in-fact possible for me to control all people in my life – that it’s not possible for me to control, direct and make sure that I’ve got an absolute overview and direction over the participants in my world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even though I go into this state of tension, and anxiety, I can’t control and have an absolute power and direct over how others perceive and experience me in a moment of physical participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is not to go into fear and anxiety, and try to control my life and my world – the solution is rather that I take a breath and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – and that I restate and reclaim myself as self-trust – that I trust myself to in the moment act, live and walk – and that I don’t require a constant pressure within me to be able to effectively handle the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being inferior to others – and think that I am inferior and incapable of defining and deciding my own worth and value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this responsibility to others in my life and in my world – wherein I think that others are superior to me – and thus it’s up to them to place me in this world – and give me a position in this world – and define where and how I should move about and align myself in this world in order to be effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the responsibility of me being stable, and directive in my world – and giving myself my own value and worth to someone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this tendency and way of relating to myself through thinking that I am not the one to give me worth, value and meaning – that I am not strong enough, and that I’ve not gained the necessary life-experience to be able to with certainty place within me who I am – and my value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give others the responsibility to define me and value me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others by nature and birth have a higher value than me – and that they are supposed to give me my place and position in this world – because apparently I’m not good enough to do it for and as myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the ability and responsibility to define, value and place myself in this world – to make decisions for myself where I place myself – and not anymore accept and allow myself to give this responsibility to others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into tension, angst, and feeling unsettled as I am in the center of attention, I immediately stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment limiting myself and participating in control – and defining myself according to what I perceive others see in me – and thus I commit myself to let go of control and breath out – and relax my physical body – relax myself and trust myself – and realize that I don’t require another to define me – and give value to me – because I can simply stand by myself in this moment – in the stability that my human physical body provides and gives in each and every moment of breath – thus I commit myself to live self-trust – to place my attention in my chest area and release the tension I experience – and instead focus on the physical sensations of the moment

I commit myself to take responsibility to define and value myself – to give me purpose and direction – and thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand that this is my responsibility to gift to myself – and that I can’t expect and want anyone else to do it for me – thus I commit myself to stand as the point of equality within me – to realize that I ma not inferior or less than others – but that I am able and capable to stand equal with others and move myself within and as the purpose and direction that I’ve given tso myself

Day 190: Remember The Context!

Recently I’ve had several occasions when I’ve gone into a state of paranoia and fear due to perceiving and believing that someone dislikes me – and this is usually triggered by for example: Someone looking at me with a stern face, or me asking something that is not answered, or someone not paying attention to me in the way I perceive to be correct.

What happened yesterday was that I in class stretched my hand up in the hopes of my teacher picking me to answer one of his questions – though that didn’t happen and instead someone else got the honor of answering. The first place that my mind went to was that there was something wrong with me, that I’d done or said something wrong, that the teacher thought I was stupid, or that I’d somehow offended him, and this was his revenge. Obviously – the fascinating point here is that all of the above ideas are inferred from the one premise that ‘It’s about ME!’ – it’s PERSONAL.

Though, I can’t possibly be sure precisely why my teacher didn’t pick me to answer his question, and even though his reason was that he didn’t like me, why should I accept and allow that to have an affect on my presence and expression in school? I mean – I am not in school to get positive feedback from teachers – I am there to learn and educate myself in various subjects – and the more effectively I’m able to fulfill that purpose the better.

This is also an interesting aspect of taking things personal – that when we take things personal we become forgetful of the purpose or context of an event or moment. An example would be work – and the interaction with colleagues – because what I’ve noticed with myself is that suddenly the social life of the workplace starts taking precedence over the work I produce – and how others are towards me and how I personally experience myself comes into the foreground – not seeing that the context or purpose of being in employment is to effectively direct and move a particular point to completion (production).

Thus – the social life should obviously be in the backseat – and be there more as something that is done at breaks or when a project has been finished – but not be the main point that defines my entire experience and movement in a particular employment.

The same with school – the same with listening to my teacher – I am not there to be liked or establish social circles – I am there to learn – and I should rather establish my network and relate to the teachers from this perspective – looking at what will enhance and quantify my learning and comprehension of the material – it’s from that starting point I should move.

What I am able to see is that I require working and going deeper into this aspect of giving value to social life – and what others think of me – realizing that when I do this – I compromise the actual purpose of why I’ve placed myself in a particular point or position.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my teacher doesn’t assign me to answer his questions – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my educational environment personal – to make it about me personally – to make it about me wanting and desiring to have friends and to be liked by others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain within the actual purpose and context of placing myself in that particular position – which is to educate myself and learn – and not to be liked – not to win – not to gain favor from the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself within and as the purpose and context of why I’ve placed myself in a particular point – and realizing that when I am at work – I am there to produce an effective and precise product – and I am not there to gain friends or to be liked – the same with my teacher – that I am there to learn from him and acquire a particular understanding and comprehension of a subject – not to be liked and to feel favored by him – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally – and make things personal – instead of remaining objective and aligned within and as the context of the moment and the purpose of my position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and make things personal in school – and at work – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is ignoring me – or not paying attention to me the way I want them to – as being enthusiastic and enjoying me – to then take it personally and react – and think that they are being mean to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into and as a troubleshoot mode – wherein I am trying to locate what is wrong with me – what is at fault with me – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not about me personally and that what another do or doesn’t do – is not reflecting that there is something wrong or bad with me that I must immediately correct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being flawed and inferior in my expression – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone seems to dislike me – and ignore me – or not pay attention to me as I want to – to then believe that there is something wrong with me that I must immediately attend to and direct and make better – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make myself better so that others are going to like me – so that I can feel more at ease and comfortable with myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to give that point to myself – of accepting and allowing myself to like and love myself – and be at ease and comfortable with myself – without necessarily needing anyone to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I push to get attention from another – and then I am seemingly being ignored – to immediately go into thoughts and backchat of thinking that there is something wrong with me – and wonder what mistake that I’ve made in order to make someone dislike me this much – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it doesn’t even have to be about me – and that when I go into this troubleshoot mode – I am working with assumptions and ideas – and not the actual practical physical reality that is here – and thus I commit myself to stop such troubleshooting mind pattern – and see that it’s in-fact a form of self-judgment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of taking it personally, believing that someone dislikes me, or doesn’t want me in their world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I don’t need or require anyone to like me, appreciate me, or feel pleasured by me, I instead require stable and sound relationships so that I can walk through my days effectively and handle my responsibilities – and thus what is important is that I direct my responsibilities and my life – that I commit myself to my studies – my work – and my other points of responsibility – and that I align and direct myself from this starting point; and thus I commit myself to stop taking things personally – and instead look at the context of the moment and the purpose of my position in that moment – and align myself to go in that direction and thus not make my relationships with other emotional – but rather practical and supporting what I’ve set out to do and create in life

Day 189: Unconditional Socialization

Today I was having a discussion with one of my colleagues – and I noticed that I went into anxiety – in this blog I will open up this point.

So, for context – I was having a discussion – it was a calm and quite intimate discussion – I could see that both my colleague and me were enjoying the moment. Then – as we continued a slight anxiety began rising from within – and this anxiety then continued to rise and become bigger – and in the moment I found it difficult to stop and direct the anxiety.

I am able to see that what triggered this particular pattern was the way I’ve interpreted my colleague – I see him as a intelligible and as a person with highly effective cognitive abilities – thus as I was discussing with him – this fear that started to creep up from within was whether he enjoyed our discussion, whether it was stimulating him, or whether he felt that I was being boring, and not sufficiently intelligent and witty to be of service to him.

Thus – what is fascinating to see here is the starting point of my interaction – which is to serve and to be liked – with the hope that if another likes me I will feel accepted and gain a sense of self-worth. The consequential outflow is that I will not allow myself to express and share the real me – because inside there will be this ubiquitous and underlying fear – permeating my body and acting as this disturbing force that thwarts me from being able to express and share myself in the moment.

What I must establish is thus – that when I choose to speak and interact with another – that I do it as myself – realizing that when I go into this conversation or interaction I will not gain self-worth – I am that already – and I enter into this conversation as self-worth and share that of myself with another – thus I give as I’d like to receive; where it’s not anymore about me getting from what another what I’ve not yet given to myself – but that I instead give to myself and contemporaneously give to another – as I express, live, and share the real WHO I AM.

Within this I must understand that it’s not about me entertaining another – satisfying another – pleasing another – being a good company – or sufficiently witty and intelligent to keep friends – rather I accept myself unconditionally – and I enter into a moment of socialization unconditionally – with all of myself fully present and aware – where there are no more pieces of myself that I require another to give to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach socialization, and interaction from within and as a starting point of wanting to be likable – and wanting to make friends and positive acquaintances – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand how I am compromising myself – as well as the relationship with another – because I am not allowing myself be natural – and share who I am – and instead I am sharing a censured version of myself that I hope will receive positive attention – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rather make the decision within myself to approach others and relationships from a starting point of self-confidence and self-worth – where I share myself unconditionally and realize that I am already fulfilled and that I don’t need and require another to fulfill me for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this sneaky and underlying thoughts of: “What will he/she think of me – when I share myself with them?” – “Do he/she enjoy me?” – “Am I being sufficiently entertaining and witty to continue to keep this other person in my company?” – and realize that when I accept and allow these thoughts to define me – and I participate within them – I am compromising myself – and my relationship with another – and I creating the moment to be less than it’s full potential – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately correct myself – through taking a breath – and grounding myself into and as my human physical body – and then share and express myself from within and as the silence of my human physical body – as me being completely grounded and stable in and as the presence of me as a physical body expressing myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach interaction – and socialization from within and as a starting point of wanting to make sure that I get positive attention from another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a limiting starting point – and that I am able change this – to instead of me approaching from a starting point of what I can receive and get from another – to instead approach from a starting point of looking at what I am able to give – and share and express as myself that will be supportive and that will fulfill the potential that exist in the moment to create life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy to interact and move myself from within and as that starting point – and intently believe that I am inferior and subservient – not realizing that it’s a decision that I make – and that I able to re-align this decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow anxiety to be the starting point of my participation and interaction – I am limiting myself and the moment – and thus I commit myself to practically apply stopping these experiences and the underlying thoughts immediately as the arise – and immediately re-align myself into the correction of participating and interacting in the moment from a starting point of me being an equal and one participant – that I neither stand to loose or gain anything – but that I am here – sharing my natural and unconditional expression in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and afraid of someone that is intellectual and have effective cognitive abilities – and believe that because someone is effective in their thinking and usage of the mind – that I am because of that inferior and limited from being stable – and expressing myself in the moment – clearly and with stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of sharing and expressing myself from within and as a starting point of equality – and seeing that regardless of intellect – where from the same dust – believe that I must enter into this and move myself from within inferiority – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision within me in each moment of participation – that I am an equal – that I will not accept and allow myself go into and become subject to anxiety and inferiority – but that I will instead express – share and move myself naturally – within and as my natural self-expression – and not accept and allow myself to be moved by whether or whether I perceive that another likes me, or feels interest in me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be worried and fearful that someone that I perceive to have an effective and highly functional intellect is going to see through me – and is going to make the assessment that I am not sufficiently smart, witty or intelligible to be his or hers friend – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require to friendship – and the recognition from another – that I am liked – that I am a positive and recognized part of their world – for me to love and accept myself – for me to share and express myself in the moment – unconditionally – naturally and within and as self-comfort and self-enjoyment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I enter into inferiority, subservience, and fear – as I am approaching, or talking with, or interacting with a person in my world that I perceive to be intelligent, and to have a highly effective cognitive ability – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to correct myself and express myself from within and as equality and oneness – realizing that I am an equal to another – thus there is no need for me to impress – to be accepted – to be welcomed and embraced – and I commit myself to instead give that to myself – to breath myself back into and as my human physical body – to stabilize myself – and ground myself here – and express myself from within and as that groundedness and stability that the human physical body supplies

I commit myself to approach others and interact from within and as a starting point of being unconditional – and not accept and allow myself to be worried about whether or whether not I am liked – appreciated – or embraced – to instead place focus and attention ME and what I accept and allow within me – and make sure that I stop any fear and anxiety that emerge within me – that I immediately correct myself and move myself to interact and participate from within and as a starting point of being grounded – stable – and clear within me

Day 170: Successful people… and ME!

Today I was hanging out with some friends and we were discussing career and future decisions, and appropriately enough, we happened upon the subject of what jobs we’ve had in the past. My friend then shared with me that he’d been to a renowned firm, a company that is big, and have a celebrated past, and actually: most of my fellow classmates probably have dreams about setting their foot in such workplace.

When my friend shared this with me I got literally stung with jealousy, I mean, it came up nothing short of a punch in my solar plexus area – and the nature of the experience was: NO! – lol – “He got it and not me!” – “I wanted to get it!”.

As they day continued, I noticed these peculiar thoughts popping up in my mind, where I could see that I compared myself to my friend, looked at my past, my education, my decisions, my life in general, and what type of opportunities that I’d manifested for myself, and then compared these with what I heard about my friend. And in doing this, I could see that I was taking myself into a experience of gloominess, and depression, and it felt as if I was attacking myself within, punishing myself that I didn’t create myself in the same way as my friend, and that I thus didn’t make sure that I go the same type of job, and the same type of life that my friend was about to step into.

So, if I take this back to common sense, and look at it, I am able to see that this friend of my represents my desires, and he shows me very clearly where I still exist within a state of competition, a state of fear, and a state of survival, and where I try to get ahead of others in order to feel good about myself, and to prove myself – and this is obviously not the point in life, it’s obviously not the point of why I am here – I mean, what purpose does it in-fact serve to get a super-good job, only to have that job and to feel better than others? It’s really meaningless and probably one of the big reasons why we human-beings have never managed to actually change anything in our world, because we’ve always been super-concerned with wanting to win, compete, and survive – so super-concerned that we’ve totally forgotten ourselves, our world, this system, our responsibilities and how it is that we’re affecting life on this planet with our actions.

Thus, my self-forgiveness today will be directed towards this particular point of competition, the competition that leads into jealousy, the jealousy being that point of feeling like a looser because another have something that I desire and want – and in this case: having a position in the world system that I’ve defined as envious and desirable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous at another for having a job that is considered to be advantageous and desirable in the world system, and that is seen as being connected with having status, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to place myself in an equal position as this other person, and have a similar job, and have a similar career, and be in the top of the system, so that I am able to feel like I am winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my decisions, and movement in life on the basis of wanting to be a winner, and wanting to come out on top and in this not care about life, about this world, about humanity in its entirety but only care about myself, my desires, my experiences, and my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way wherein I only care about myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a desire of wanting to place myself in the top brackets of the system, and have a job that others see as desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress upon others and show them how much status and power I’ve in the system so that I can feel like I am winner, and that I am better than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this particular point is coming from within and as a desire to be special, and to be unique, and to be termed, defined, and seen as a winner, and as being more than others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied and content with being equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist equality, because in equality no one is better than another, no one has more stature, status or power than another, all are on the same level, and all are of the same value and worth, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in competition, desire, and wanting to be the best, instead of realizing that my life will not contribute to anything when and as I accept and allow this to be my starting point, and my direction in life, and what I want to have, and what I want to create, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my focus, and my direction, to instead start caring about others, start appreciating others, and making my life to be about changing, and contributing, and making a difference, and creating a life of worth, and value in this world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a dog in a dog eat dog world – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this game, to identify and define myself according to this game, and to believe that the only way to lead one’s life in this world is through playing this game, and making sure that I win this game, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body, and instead of living to win, live in such a way that I make everyone a winner, that each person that comes into my world is an equal, that each human being that exists in this world is an equal and thus deserves an equal opportunity, and an equal life, just as I do – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the desire and strife to become more than others, instead of focusing my life upon how I am able to assist and support others, how I am able to assist and support life to come through, and become something more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a glorious career wherein I am seen by others as having a perfect life, having the perfect girlfriend, having the perfect family, having the perfect intellect, having the perfect personality, being successful and famous in each and every instance and part of my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to change my striving, and instead strive to create, and found a difference in this world – and make my life to be about something tangible, something that I am able to touch, and have impact in this life, not only living for myself, and having my life become perfect, and desirable, but creating a life for all that is truly respectable, and dignified, and that all enjoy and where no one is compromised or left behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire my life, and my future to be perfect, so that I can brag to others about, and feel superior, and above others in how effective, and strong I was in creating my perfect future, and my perfect life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in desire, instead of making the focus in my life to be about contributing to an existence, and a world, and a life that is heaven on earth – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to align my mind, and my daily living, and my daily considerations to take into account this aspect of actually making something worthwhile with my life, wherein worthwhile is not only something that means that my life is to be the best that it can be, but that I contribute to make sure that everyone’s life is the best life that they can possibly have – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that having an active mind is really only showing me that I am still selfish and that I don’t really care about another – and thus I commit and push myself to start caring about life – start caring about others – and making me an instrument of life that is here to contribute to life and a future that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my life, with my future, and with my career, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without consideration, without regard, without care, only focus on myself, instead of accepting and allowing myself to expand my perspective, and my view to include this world, humanity, earth, the animals, and everything that is here, and realize that in order to live a fulfilling life I require to give as I’d like to receive, I require to be a catalyst that makes life worthwhile not only for myself but for everyone in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to walk out of my self-interested mind and into physical equality – wherein I look at another as myself, I place myself in their shoe’s and I accept and allow myself to take responsibility for this world and how it has ended up looking – and as such commit myself to become a contributory force that lives to expand and create a life that is best for all – that means something – and that allows for life to flourish and grow to it’s utmost potential

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into future projections, wherein I dream about my career, about my life, my future, my potential, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it’s through these dreams that I separate myself from the rest of humanity, from the rest of this existence, and from the rest of earth, and that in order to really contribute, I require to let go of my ego and my desire to win, and be special; and thus I commit myself to train myself to consider others, to care for others, and I commit myself to make my purpose in life to be that of contributing to the lives of others and to life on earth

I commit myself to daily selfless acts wherein I participate, walk and move myself to bring about a world that is best for all – where I act – and I move not for my own pleasure or satisfaction – but for the betterment of everyone – to create a world that is magnificent

I commit myself to expand my viewpoint and to include the rest of this world – and I commit myself to first train this point with learning to care about those closest to me in my world – and learning to show, share and live compassion with those that are in my immediate environment – and then expand this point to include the rest of this world and humanity