Towards the future! A tendency that I’ve noticed when I consider plans for my future is that there will be definitive experience of ‘right and wrong’ – meaning: There will be an idea of what is correct and what is incorrect – there will be a path of what I want to choose and walk down – and there will be a path that I don’t want to choose – and that I don’t want to walk down. The problem comes in with regards to how I’ve designed these paths – because they’re based upon desires and fears – they’re mostly not very practical – and because there is such a definitive ‘right and wrong’ to them – this causes conflict within me.
So, let’s bring this into context: Next year I’m going to be done with my law-studies and before I go into the court to do my two years of traineeship, there will be a brief respite, some time that I require to fill with an activity of some form – and here I’ve established that studying another course will be an effective point to pursue.
Then comes the Decision – and this is in regards to what course I should pick – and here I’ve looked at either studying economics or psychology – and this seemingly small and insignificant decision has become like that annoying sand grain stuck between the sole of my feet and my shoes – and seemingly it’s a unsolvable puzzle. And the reason as to why it feels like an unsolvable puzzle and maze of various possibilities and opportunities is because at the bottom of the considerations lies fear and anxiety – and this fear and anxiety is in relation to future and in particular – making the wrong decision.
When looking closer at this point of making the wrong decision, it’s clear that the wrong decision in essence implies placing myself in a position in the world system that is not effective, placing myself in a position wherein I afterwards realize that – this is not where I want to be! And in that process as well realizing that – I shouldn’t have chosen to study this course, I should’ve chosen the other course!
Here it’s fascinating to see the nature of my considerations – that it’s based on this very limited idea of absoluteness – that this decision that I make to study a single course the next year will somehow determine the ENTERITY of my life – and be the very quintessence of my coming existence – that point that will form and shape everything that is to come afterwards – and that I will in making this decision set a precedence for myself that will flow out into my future and either make me sublime or a lowly failure.
Obviously – this is not how physical reality works, and actually – I’ve got my life to show for it. I mean, how many skills haven’t I developed over the span of my life? How many various courses and lectures haven’t I participated within? Yet, it’s unequivocal that these past choices have not had any significant impact on what I am doing currently with my life – it’s rather as such that what I am doing and studying at the moment is completely unexpected and not what I’d believed that I would do as I grew up.
Thus, what I see I must work with, and establish as a certainty within me, is that life is a moment, it’s not black and white, but rather a greyish mishmash of various colorations, and that very seldom anything is set in stone – most times there are opportunities and possibilities to digress and go into another direction, make a new choice, pursue a new challenge – and thus – this fear that I will create a future that is either unambiguously positive, or categorically negative is in-fact an illusion – and probably my future will be rather mundane and normal – I will find a job, do some more courses, and then move on – because that’s how life works. Though what I’ll always have with me is MYSELF – and that is something I can create to stand eternally – steadfast – stable – regardless of how my future turns out.
The point to realize is that – the future can’t be predicted – yet I can walk myself into the future in stability – and stand as that point in my life and in that – be present, capable and able to create a life for myself – moment by moment – that is effective and that is something I’d like to experience – thus what I am able to see is that whether I pick one course or the other – it’s really of no impact – because what will determine my future is MYSELF and what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow in each and every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my future in black and white – and absolutes – wherein I will see this decision that is before me as the ultimate test – as what will determine the rest of my life and if I make the wrong decision – there is nothing – and absolutely nothing that I am able to do to correct and align the point – and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a delusional way of looking at my future – and how obviously – this is now how the physical functions and operates – because the physical functions according to what I live and move as in each and every moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the future and my life is a constant process of creation – and a constant point that I am establishing – building – and refining in every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the future as only being ‘out there’ – as only having significance and importance somewhere there in the future – and that the decision I will make in regards to one course, one event, and one point will determine everything – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a false supposition – and how this is not how life and this reality works
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the fear I have of not making the right decision, of not placing myself in the correct position, of not establishing myself where I should be, that this is not a valid fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this decision that is before me is simply something that I’ll have decide upon and then walk – and that it will not determine the rest of my existence and all and everything of myself from that point onwards
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this irrational value to education and studying – in believing that education and studying is what will further me in my lifetime – is what will create my life for me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the primary point of creation, the primary point that will determine who I am and what my life will become, is who I am in each and every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to the courage of facing and walking each moment unconditionally – realizing that here is the point of power – and HERE is the point of creation – it’s not somewhere out there in the future – it’s HERE
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the idea I’m carrying within me, that somehow a decision of what course I am to study in the future, will determine everything of myself, is false – and not in alignment with reality – the physical – and in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself – make a decision – and then move myself to walk the point – and not make anything more of it than that – making a decision to study something – because I see that it makes sense – and then stopping any fear that comes up within me that it’s the wrong decision – that it’s not right – and that I will create massive consequences for myself due to having walked this particular decision
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of what course I choose – I am going to face the future – and what will have the most impact in me facing and directing the future is not the course I’ve studied – but rather WHO I AM – and HOW I STAND – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make this my priority – to realize that the WHO I AM will determine my life and my future – my ability to stand – to direct and move myself in moments and to not accept and allow the mind the step in and create myself and my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the fear and anxiety immediately as it arise within me – not give it any power what-so-ever – and instead focus and give attention to my creation process of myself here in every moment of breath
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my future will not manifest itself as either a picture perfect future where everything is fantastic – and it will not manifest itself as a hellish and awful future where everything is bad – rather my future will probably be normal – and much like my life is currently – wherein it’s simple dealing with and walking through my day-to-day responsibilities – wherein there is nothing more significant and special than that – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of this angst and fear of what might happen when I make a particular decision – and instead – simply make the decision and push myself to move ahead with my life – and not anymore remain in this state of inferiority and lack
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the emotional state I am creating within myself due to participating in this inner conflict is in-fact what is going to have consequences for myself in the future, and is a decision that I make in this moment, to make my future less effective – because in participating in such emotions I am going to manifest physical consequences and symptoms – suck as a disease or sickness – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and simply give up upon this anxiety – simply make a decision that I see makes sense – and then stick with it – not drag it up again and again – and realize that regardless of what might come – I will make the best of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of what might come in my future – I will make the best of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of whether I make the wrong decision – I will make the best out of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will direct my life regardless of what I’m facing – and that I will not give up upon myself – but that I will find and establish solutions
When and as I see that I go into conflict about my future – because I have a decision that I am uncertain of – I stop – I breathe – and I do not accept and allow myself to in anyway think about this decision – because I realize that this fuels underlying fears and anxieties – and thus I commit myself to let the point go until I can sit down and map out the decision – then I commit myself to make a decision and stick with it – and not bring up any what-ifs – because I realize that this is unnecessary and doesn’t have any constructive outflows
I commit myself to regardless of whether I make the wrong decision – to make the best out of my life – to make the best out of myself – to not give up – but to always strive and work towards establishing solutions
I commit myself to never give up upon myself regardless of what my future will bring – and regardless of the challenges I will be faced with – and I commit myself to develop the courage to face and walk my life in the moment – and not use fear or anxiety to drive myself forward
I commit myself to stick with the decision that I’ve made – to not think about it anymore – but to walk the point that I’ve already laid out for myself – to keep it simple – and only change and re-direct the points if I see that it’s relevant and necessary – not because a fear or anxiety arise within me – that is not practical but only a illusion and experience of and as the mind