Tag Archives: possibilities

Day 468: Devaluing Myself

I have for a while been trying to find someone that I can play and create music together with. For some reason, it is pretty difficult. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I am living in a somewhat small town and that there are simply not that many with the same interest as me.

Anyways, the reactions I have had to deal with as of lately has opened up in relation to my attempts to acquire people to play with. I was able to find one person that was seemed interested and conversed shortly about the possibility. In order to find out whether we would be a musical match I sent over a song that I had made. After that I heard nothing from them. And a couple of weeks earlier I had a similar incident occur, where the silence made its introduction in a different way. The point of the matter is that these moments of silence gets to me. I start to think there is something wrong with me and I take the silence personally – as if I have done something bad.

In the former situation I described, I thought that the song I sent over and in particular the lyrics were bad and might have caused this person to not want to play with me anymore. And this also touches on a deeper issue within me. That I tend to devalue myself and be my own worst critic – and even though I enjoy to write, compose and record my songs, I deem them as not good enough the moment I play them to others. In this devaluing motion is existent not only with music but also in relation to my professional life. I look down on myself and view myself as inferior in relation to my capabilities and skills – and that causes me to limit and hold myself back – and basically causes me to take on less than what I am able to do.

One thing that I am proud over is that I did send over the song I had made even though I was a bit anxious to do it. I was worried that they were not going to like it. I then looked at it and realized that this song, this is an example of my musical expression, and if I hide it, I will define this potential new musical relationship from within and as the starting point of hiding and suppressing myself – and that is NOT what I want out of any new relationship in my reality. Thus – I decided to go for it, send over my song, and stand with a straight back and chin up, showing what I have created in my life musically – and deep within – I do see that I am proud and satisfied with a lot of things that I have manifested. The problem occurs when I start to backchat and think about whether the expression has been good enough or whether it will be liked by others – however – it is never about that – it is about MY relationship to my creative expression and whether I express myself fully or hold myself back in some way or another.


Day 453: Missing What Is Here

When I look back at what I regret, one point that stands out is not allowing myself to be comfortable and enjoy the life that I have. I have tended to feel stressed, hurried, and driven to move forward, fast, towards the new and unexplored, and that has left me with a sense of having left behind possibilities that I could have explored, if I had not been so stressed about moving forward.

And that is one of my greatest challenges at the moment, to let myself rest with my current situation. To allow myself to be here, to explore my current life, the relationships in it, the hobbies, and interests I have, the moments that arise during my day, and not be in such a hurry to move along. And my greatest teacher is my daughter. She is amazing at remaining in the present. She has no conception of time, to her, the only time that matters is here and now – and that is what I want to create for and as myself. The complete amalgamation with the current moment.

What stands in my why is this undercurrent of stress and anxiety – the belief that I must somehow speed myself and my life up to be able to attain and reach the possibilities – while the opposite is really true – I need to slow myself down – put myself to rest – in order to see what I can create in this moment. Creativity is really only possible in this moment here – because creativity needs spontaneity, it needs connection to be expressed, otherwise it becomes a reasoned, rational and logic plan – but not a moment of expression.

Thus how to live this more in my life?

Breathing and grounding myself physically here is important. When I notice I go astray in my mind, I need to bring myself back to what I am doing in this moment. And then it is important that I listen to my heart and open myself open to the creativity of the moment. I must practice seeing the possibilities, the potential that is here and that my heart is showing to me – that are ripe and that I only but need to step into.

Thus each time I have a thought of a future projection, I will change that future projection into a present projection, by looking at what I can create do HERE in this moment, to express myself in a way that will support myself/others. I will look at how I can transform that drive to create in the future, to how I can create/express HERE in this moment. And I will push myself to walk through laziness/resistance towards creating HERE – as I see that this is also a tactic used by the mind to keep my preoccupied with what I should/could be doing – instead of what I am doing here.


Day 285: Grounded In My Responsibilities

One thing that I am really good at is being creative, imagining things, experimenting, finding new ways, and finding solutions to problems. It is a skill that I have developed through my life and that has also been inherent since birth – I have always been this way. Now, this skill, of being flexible and fast in my thought processes also has a downside – and this is hence a weakness that I have had through most my life – the ability to remain grounded and steadfast.

An example of how this polarity plays out is the following. During my weekends I have several responsibilities to attend to. Most importantly is cleaning, and then also tending to the chickens at the farm where I live. Though, what tends to happen is that my imagination starts running, and I concoct several other things I would also like to do; projects I would like to complete, things I would like to build, stuff I would like to investigate and research, etc. I then tend to become worked up about my imaginative ideas, which seem to be so much fun, and then my attention/focus go to these. What consequently happens is that I am not sufficiently grounded/stable in my reality, and because of this I forget responsibilities, I down prioritize things that are important and that should be given priority, and I become absent-minded and forgetful.

The problem as such is that I am not enough grounded in my physical body, not sufficiently steadfast in sticking with my responsibilities, which leads to unwanted consequences. Hence, what I want to change with myself is this point of me accepting and allowing myself to become carried away in imaginations and future plans – and replace this tendency of dreaming myself into states of exhilaration with a stability and sense of being grounded in my physical body. In order to be effective in this life I require having a balance – thus it is no solution to be constantly grounded in the physical, and never accept and allow my imagination to run, to see what possibilities there are for expansion and movement, and it is no solution to be constantly imagining new things, starting new projects and not following through on them.

Imagination and inner projection can be useful when they are self-directed, and when they do not get in the way of my responsibilities here in the physical. Thus something that I can practice, is for example, to give myself a moment each day where I ask myself the question: “Okay, what can be improved, what can be expanded, what is it that I can create in my life that would be of benefit?” – and then otherwise throughout my day, as I am tending to my responsibilities, to practice remaining grounded in the physical, and present with what I am doing. That way I will be able to create a balance in my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overly active in my imagination, where I create these grand plans, and projects, and I feel really exhilarated, not seeing, realizing and understanding that when I compromise my already existent responsibilities, projects, and commitments when and as I accept and allow myself to exist in a state of constant projection, imagination, and forward motion towards something different than what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice being grounded and steadfast in my decisions, projects, plans and responsibilities, to push through the temptation of imagining other things I could be doing, or other things I could be experiencing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is for me to embrace repetition, and routine, and understand that these words are an important part of creation in this physical reality – that to build and create something – one have to walk the same or similar actions many times over until the point that one wants to create stands here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that being grounded here in the physical in itself offers opportunities of discovery, and adventure, where I can for example notice new things, or develop my skills in what I am doing in that moment, become more specific, and expand myself in someway or another, which I would not have been able to do if I instead was in my mind dreaming – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as a physical being – understanding that exhilaration, adventure and excitement are words that I can live within exploring and walking this physical reality here – and that I do not need my mind to stand as and walk my life within and as these words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to dreaming and imagination, and believe that this is the only way I can experience exhilaration, and excitement – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not experiment with living excitement and exhilaration in my physical reality with my physical body – to see how it is that I can experience these words for real and not just as energy in my mind

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into imagination, projections, and a inner excitement, exaltation, because I can create things in my mind, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow myself to venture into the realm of imagination, I forget what is here, and I do not pay sufficient, and enough attention to what I am doing here in the physical, which leads to me compromising responsibilities, and commitments – and thus I commit myself to remain grounded, physical and steadfast when I am walking through my day – to practice walking with one feet in-front of the other and being aware of every step and movement that I make

I commit myself to take time each day to sit down and look at what I can do with my life, with myself, and the resources I have at my disposal, to as such, each day push myself to expand, and see where I am able to create and expand myself and my reality – and hence I commit myself to direct this process of imagination and inner creation – and thus not accept and allow it to simply happen now and again – when I am not in control – and not specific about what I am doing in my mind

I commit myself to create a balance between imagination/projection/creating my future – and living HERE in the physical – understanding that when I accept and allow myself to venture into imagination-mode while I am doing things here in the physical, I will compromise myself and the moment that I am walking, because my focus and attention will be elsewhere – and hence I commit myself to be specific within myself when I accept and allow myself to go into ‘future-creation’ mode – to create it within myself as a decision and do this in moments when I am not compromising my relationship with this physical world