Tag Archives: present

Day 453: Missing What Is Here

When I look back at what I regret, one point that stands out is not allowing myself to be comfortable and enjoy the life that I have. I have tended to feel stressed, hurried, and driven to move forward, fast, towards the new and unexplored, and that has left me with a sense of having left behind possibilities that I could have explored, if I had not been so stressed about moving forward.

And that is one of my greatest challenges at the moment, to let myself rest with my current situation. To allow myself to be here, to explore my current life, the relationships in it, the hobbies, and interests I have, the moments that arise during my day, and not be in such a hurry to move along. And my greatest teacher is my daughter. She is amazing at remaining in the present. She has no conception of time, to her, the only time that matters is here and now – and that is what I want to create for and as myself. The complete amalgamation with the current moment.

What stands in my why is this undercurrent of stress and anxiety – the belief that I must somehow speed myself and my life up to be able to attain and reach the possibilities – while the opposite is really true – I need to slow myself down – put myself to rest – in order to see what I can create in this moment. Creativity is really only possible in this moment here – because creativity needs spontaneity, it needs connection to be expressed, otherwise it becomes a reasoned, rational and logic plan – but not a moment of expression.

Thus how to live this more in my life?

Breathing and grounding myself physically here is important. When I notice I go astray in my mind, I need to bring myself back to what I am doing in this moment. And then it is important that I listen to my heart and open myself open to the creativity of the moment. I must practice seeing the possibilities, the potential that is here and that my heart is showing to me – that are ripe and that I only but need to step into.

Thus each time I have a thought of a future projection, I will change that future projection into a present projection, by looking at what I can create do HERE in this moment, to express myself in a way that will support myself/others. I will look at how I can transform that drive to create in the future, to how I can create/express HERE in this moment. And I will push myself to walk through laziness/resistance towards creating HERE – as I see that this is also a tactic used by the mind to keep my preoccupied with what I should/could be doing – instead of what I am doing here.


Day 451: Traveling With Presence

I have reflected on the words travel and dream recently. It opened up when I did a Osho tarot spread and draw the cards Traveling and The Dream. Osho’s perspective on traveling is that life is a journey, it never ends, and hence, the notion that we should claw and fight our way through each day to eventually reach a goal makes no sense. Because when we reach that goal, we will need a new goal, our travel will continue. And at that point we might have fought our way forward for many years missing the opportunities that our life has given us during our travel as we were so focused on arriving.

There is a quote by Lao Tzu that goes like this:

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.

It is the travel, it is the movement, is is the daily expression that is life, the goal, that is only a support in choosing our direction when we get to crossroads.

How does the card The Dream fit in here? According to Osho this card symbolizes our tendency to create internal future scenarios that are inflated and unrealistic. Our future, the one we have imagined in our mind, becomes so much brighter and better than the life we are living here. And thus dreaming lures us into a apathetic and lifeless zombie mode where we do not anymore see and experience our life and reality fully – instead we experience our daily life as a strife as we move towards realizing our dream – not realizing that LIFE is here. Hence we miss our travel – we miss ourselves and the world around us.

What is the solution to this problem?

What I have applied is the word GROUNDING. Because when you are earthed, with both of your feet steady on the ground, you cannot dream. When you are aware of your breath, and the small sensations that life offers in every moment, you cannot be swept away into alternate realities – and that is when you can start traveling for real.

Looking back at my life, from let’s say, my twenties and onwards, one of my most prominent regrets is that I have not allowed myself to be HERE and enjoy the journey. I was so set on arriving that I missed what was all around me. Thus, this is something that I am going to be changing – by GROUNDING myself and pushing myself to make my life HERE in every moment.


Day 449: Dreaming of Tomorrow and Losing Today

Today I cleaned and sorted out old stuff and decided what to throw away and what to keep, how to organize it, etc. I found a book called ‘Pregnancy’ that I got when my daughter was still in the womb. I did not read it. In-fact, I did not read up that much at all about children, pregnancy, what the human body goes through, and how to prepare myself for the birth. When I held the book I realized that I had missed a lot by not allowing myself to fully immerse myself in the process of having a child – and I asked myself – why?

I realized that I had not immersed myself because I had been to busy with other things, primarily work. And this is a pattern I have seen repeating for myself. It is only after the opportunity is gone that I see I missed it because I stressed and hurried myself through the experience. It happened to my studies as well – when I went to the university – I did not take the time to really explore the student life because I stressed and hurried through my days. It happened when I built my house. I did not enjoy and neither did I fully commit to the process because, I was stressed and concerned about other things than building the house. My weakness is that I become too focused on the future, or too focused on some part and aspect of my reality that is not present here, that I miss out on everything else – that I miss out on life.

For example, one of these points that are here now, an opportunity, is my relationship to my daughter. That is here, it is ripe and it is ready for to explore, however, I have been allowing myself to be distracted by work, by future, by ‘projects’ that I perceive to be very important. If I do not want to look back in five years and regret myself and think, why did I not spend my time where I should have, I need to refocus and place my attention on that which matters. And the interesting thing about what is real and worthy of my attention is that it is always right here – it is not something that I have to reach and attain – it is already here. And it becomes obvious when I take a breather and look at what is in my reality – then I can see – aha – that is my point right now – that is where I am able to express myself.

It is like life is already here, it is just that I do not see it – and I spend my time in my mind thinking about where I should go next instead seeing that it is not really important – because the next step is infront of the last one. Taking the next step is natural and it happens by itself when I am here, present, and I see the opportunities in my life. When I am already thinking about the next step, trying to foresee my third and fourth step, that is when I miss my balance, and I miss reality around me – and that is NOT what I want to do. It is literally one of the worst experiences, to look back and see that I have missed things because I was not present.

Somehow experiencing loss is a good way to open up and see where I have taken things for granted. Losing a loved one, being forced to give up a way of life, or being close to dying, that tends to put everything in a fresh perspective – and voila – NOW we know what is important in life.

What will I change?

I will push myself to live in the present and not get caught up in my mind-storm. I will focus on the creations processes that are here in my life, that develop and that come up naturally. I will put my attention and focus on creation and movement in the physical, real creation and movement, and not envisioning movement in the future – because that is not real. And thus – every day – and every breath will be my vision.


Day 433: Stopping Groundhog Day

Groundhog day was a movie made somewhere in the nineties about a person trapped in a day that was repeating into infinity. He fell asleep only to wake up to the exact same scenario. Even though I am not trapped in such a reality – it does sometimes feel like life is similar to groundhog day – and that can be frustrating.

When I sit down to look at this point however, I can see that there is one pattern in particular that keeps me trapped in Groundhog day mode – and that is my tendency to remain in my comfort zones – that – and not pushing myself more to change limiting behavioral patterns. Because even though my reality is pretty much on repeat, wake up, work, go home, sleep, wake up, work, go home, sleep – that does not mean that I have to be on repeat. And there are a couple of things about myself that I accept and allow to be on repeat – that creates this experience of groundhog day.

The two most important aspects of myself that I require to change to get myself out of this rut is my relationship to money, that I still accept and allow to be defined by fear and my movement outwards socially – which is something I tend to compromise due to thinking that it is not important or relevant. However – social interaction and creating new and deepening already existing relationships is one of those things that creates a deep sense of value within me that goes beyond the normal everyday rut. The effect is similar to when I sit down and write like this. My relationship to myself is strengthened and I am able see more and with greater clarity. Thus – those two aspects of my life is something that I want to push and expand. And even though this reality is pretty much locked and defined into limited contexts, there are always room to bond and create new connections – especially since the introduction of social media.

The third aspect that I see is important to bring myself out of groundhog day-mode is to actively work with what comes up within me. Because many times this illusion of ‘same, same, same’ is created by having the same experiences, not necessarily because going through the same kind of situation. In-fact, the situation can be entirely new, however because we interpret it based on our memories, and activate old, repeated experiences connected to those memories, we completely miss the essence of the moment – and we can even believe that the moment is about something different. This is how we live out our memories – again, again, and again – and why time seems to move faster with age. We are full with information – we are all the time engaging and experiencing old memories and never really interact for real with reality – thus we just experience the past repeating. When we were children, we still had room within us to store information, and room/presence to experience reality without relating it to a memory, which made life so much more real.

I can for example remember summer breaks as a child. The time moved slowly. And even though I was not necessarily doing new things every day, there was a appreciation, love and contentedness present that made me see something new in every moment. That is an ability that I have lost as an adult and that I am now working at re-creating – and understanding how I was able to live in such a way as a child and how come I lost it. And my assessment at the moment is that one of the primary reasons is that as a child I did not have memories – I did not associate one moment to another – they were all new and fresh moments that I walked into with fresh and open eyes. And obviously, that was a far superior way of living compared to how us adults live.

Though the problem with children is that they are simply given the ability to live in this way – hence they do not understand how it is created – and that is where I am at the moment – in the process of understanding how to live in every moment without defining it according to my past. And in many ways I have already learnt how to do it – I understand how presence is created and maintained – though – there are still points that I need to push to get back to a sensible state of being.


Day 404: Being Present In The Simple Things

One point I have worked with a lot since being on parental leave is being present with my child. For me it has taken a lot of discipline to accomplish that presence. Children are simplistic and they do not enjoy the same mind entertainment that we adults have gotten used to. I tend to feel that I need sophistication and complexity in my day – I want to be mentally stimulated and challenged. That does not happen with my daughter. She is simple and requires me to be present in her simple exploration of the world – and because that does not stimulate me – I have to push myself to become a part of her world.

A perfect example would be playing. My daughter has toy that is a model of a stable. She loves to play with it. She moves her small toy horses back and forth, in and out from the stable – and she loves having me around. Usually she wants me to take the horse and go out on the track and do some jumps over the miniature barriers. On a mental level – I am not at all intrigued. I know that it is not real horses and I do not have a imagination that can facilitate and make the play entertaining. Hence – I have to be there for my daughter, present in the game, playing, even though I do not experience any desire towards it on a mental level.

It is interesting this word – present – because by pushing myself to be present – I am giving myself to my daughter – a gift. I remember myself from my years as a child that one of the things I desired most was to have my parents be happy, satisfied, present and here with me. There was such moments with my parents, however they were few and far in-between. Usually my parents were caught up in emotions; stress, anxiety, worry, desire, anger, etc. Happy days were unusual. And that is not satisfying. Adults, we tend to put so much emphasis and effort on surviving and creating a living for ourselves, that we forget actually living. We forget that living cannot not based on the prerequisite that everything must be working out in our lives when it comes to survival – because then there will be very little time over for living.

Thus – if there is one thing I want to gift to my daughter, it is myself, being present in her life. And that is also a gift that I give to myself – being present in my own life. I am certain that there is no greater gift than that.

Practically speaking – being HERE is something that I apply in moments of resistance and avoidance towards participating in simple things – such as playing with my daughter. Another example is when I resist exercising, giving or receiving massage. A red flag that I have learned to recognize is when I suddenly desire to do something that entails passive stimulation. I can be sitting with my daughter, drawing, and then this urge comes up within me to check if there are any updates on my smartphone. That is a certain sign for me that I am now at a threshold, the activity is not stimulating me sufficiently, and I feel a need for something more. It feels like I cannot only be here, and only do this, I must do something more. The solution for me in such moments is to embrace the simplicity of drawing – and commit myself to the activity fully – to not accept and allow myself to be partly in my mind and partly in the activity of drawing – but rather – FULLY in the process of drawing.

This is a skill that requires practice to develop. Being engaged and present in the moment is difficult, because there is always so many other things going on – especially in our minds. That is the place that most frequently removes our attention from what really matters. Somehow we believe that what is going on inside our minds is so, so important. And especially if we have a emotion or feeling coupled with the thought. Then we readily give up what we do in the moment and place our attention inside our heads. That is why we have to practice and discipline ourselves. We have to discipline ourselves to be here, present and giving – it cannot happen by itself. My suggestion is to use each day as a opportunity to practice. In the moments of simplicity when you want to escape – push yourself to remain HERE and see what happens. In my experience, those moments tend to hold something to be explored and discovered.


Day 337: How To End Rear View Mirror Living?

When you build something big, such as a house, there will (unless you are MacGyver or some other perfect individual) be mistakes made, things missed, points forgotten, or not considered sufficiently. I know because I have been there, it is not possible, or at least, close to impossible to build the perfect house, or the perfect what-so-ever. In the end, there will always be things that could have been better. For me, it has been sometimes difficult to come to terms with these mistakes, that after the house has been finished, each day openly and glaringly stares me in my face. The emotion is there, that deep urge, and desire, to be able to turn back time and make a different decision, the right one. And even though it is of no point to go in my mind go back in time, and consider these things, the experience driving this thought-process is an experience that it could potentially change something, there is that nagging experience, that maybe, maybe if I stick with it, and look at it once more, it will change.

This way of approaching life – which I coin Rear-View-Mirror-Living – is a real party killer. The consequences of ‘Rear-Mirroring’ (the verb conjugation of my new word) is that I will not give the necessary attention to my life HERE, I will not focus on improving and pushing my daily living forward, but my thoughts, and my considerations will remain in the past – LIFE here will become but a empty narrative – bereft of substance – because all of my being will be in the past. The main problem thus is that no CREATION will happen as all attention is gathered on what has already been created – and the faults/mistakes of that particular creation – it is a form of regret. And we, sane people, can all agree that living in regret is no way to live, though few of us are able to use that regret, the Rear-Mirror-Living, as keys to self-expansion and building a better life for ourselves. In other words, making the enemy our friend.

What we see in our rear view and that bugs us will be consequences created by aspects of ourselves which we are able to change in the present. Unfortunately however, what we see in our rear view, such as regrets, will often end up as an emotion a – a state of dissatisfaction and a point that we continuously go back to in order to ponder – only serving our mind and not our physical creation. Hence, what is missed in that state of pondering about the past is that we can instead look at HOW we created the particular situation that is now a point of regret within us; What about our character was responsible for creating the situation/point we now experience a regret towards? Because, if we are able to see HOW we created a particular point in the past, we can identify where we are creating the same in our present reality, and thus how we are able to assist and support ourselves to change, and realign, to NOT recreate the past.

A part from us being able to shift the tendency of Rear-View-Mirror-Living into a present and future oriented CREATION living – what is important when it comes to stopping our ‘looking back phenomena’ is to dare to NOT think – having the courage to simply STOP. I have noticed that at times, I have felt compelled to think about something, and oftentimes the illusion is that I am able to reach some form of conclusion or state of release by thinking, thus making me anxious of stopping my thought process, because what if I then miss out on this great realization I am apparently about to have? However, I have realized that, thinking about these things, without exception, always leads to an even more unstable and conflicted state of mind. Release only comes through letting go of the process of thinking, and that takes some courage, because it implies letting go of the problem/issue/experience that is the foundation of the thought pattern. And because we let go of a foundation, we now have to create our own self – our own direction/movement/future – that is why it is so scary – we are entering into the unknown.

Let us look at another perspective on this point: When someone goes of rambling about mistakes they did in the past, it is easy to attempt and try to comfort them by telling them that things are not as bad as they think. This however is not an efficient way of approaching the Rear-View-Character – what instead should be brought to their attention is that by looking at the mechanics of HOW their past moment was created – and HOW those mechanics are still a part of their present life – and as such – they will be able to stop themselves from recreating their past. Hence their focus and effort should be placed on aligning and changing these inefficient traits, memes and quirks (their current self-mechanics) so that they can walk into a better future. When we look at the past pro-actively – it can be a GREAT source of knowledge that we are able to use to get to know ourselves better.

To sum it up. Rear-View-Mirror-Living (do I have copyright on this term now?) is in its essence an addiction to thoughts – we want to think about our past – feel good or bad about it – continuously assess, value, pinpoint, and define with our minds. This is a LIMITATION – because by existing in a Rear View State – we miss out on CREATING our life HERE. This brings me into the solution – which is to CREATE: CREATE our future – CREATE our character – CREATE our skills, abilities, our integrity, our state of mind, our WHO WE ARE – and NOT leave anything to to chance. In that process of CREATION – we are able to use our inner Rear View Mirror to LEARN about ourselves – to see where we need fine tuning, and to understand, what consequences our characters and patterns have the potential of creating. However – the Rear View must never become a purpose in itself – we USE it to expand – not to be in a constant state of looking back.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 331: Why We Should Reinvent Our Childhood

“Compared with adults, children do not yet have the ability to see a self that extends temporally into the future. This, however, is not a liability, but rather an asset that allows them to view their future without gloom and fully enjoy the present feelings of happiness. That is why the children of the world can look happy so long as they are happy in the present.”

― Yoichi Sakakihara, M.D., Professor of Ochanomizu University

Childhood, I remember that as a time in my life that was thoroughly enjoyable. Obviously, that is not so for everyone, as childhood can also be a terrible experience. However, as children, undoubtedly we do have an ability to live in the moment that surpasses that of any adult. I remember when I used to visit new places as a child, for example a forest, being sensitive, attuned, and completely in the present moment, it was an adventure without comparison. All my senses were active in experiencing and interacting with this new environment – and that ability to be FULLY here in the moment was what contributed to creating that almost magical feeling of adventure and astonishment at the small moments, that by adults were perceived as insignificant or completely missed.

This skill disappears as we age, and that is sad, because obviously, we as adults also need that sense of adventure and fulfillment in our lives, else, we simply become like robots, walking around to our next appointment, doing our thing, without really knowing why. From my perspective, and from what I have found, the reason why we loose this ability to be in the present moment is because we compare what is here to what has been, we actively use our experiences and memory-bank to define and give points to our current reality. This use of memory to interact with reality also dulls our senses and makes us less sensitive and attuned to the present moment. We thus miss so much of reality, because we are busy in our mind evaluating what is here, instead of LIVING with what is here.

One clear example of this is how adults tend to judge weather such as rain, storms, cold, and similar, as ‘bad weather’ and enter a gloomy experience, and oftentimes complain at the weather. What children do with bad weather is that they embrace it and allow themselves to experience and be part of and explore that particular moment of weather. For example, rain becomes an adventure without likes, as rain offers pools of water, and different animals come out from their hiding places to get moisture and look for food. Children hence know and apply one thing in their lives that we adults tend to miss, it is not about where we are, not about what we are, not about when we are, it is about WHO WE ARE – basically meaning that – we DECIDE what our present moment will be like – either a moment of presence/interaction/connection with the physical – or a moment of existing in our mind comparing what is here to what we would like it to be like.

As adults we look for life in all the wrong places, because we have forgotten that point of presence which we embodied as children. Life will not ever be born through realizing a dream or reaching a goal, such points are merely moments of satisfaction, and enjoyment, though not the same thing as the constant and fulfilling approach to reality that children master. Hence, the secret to life does not exist in changing our material physical world, it is instead within us, in our approach, and in essence, in our relationship with ourselves. If we want to have fulfillment, adventure, and enjoyment in our lives, this is where we should look, and not make the mistake of believing that the problem is our physical reality.

The above though is only true to some extent. We do undoubtedly have physical needs, we have to eat, drink, shit and piss – and if our basic needs are not fulfilled effectively – then it is not possible, or at least very difficult, to embody presence and live fully in every moment. This is why we require a new economic system with an equal distribution of resources – to make sure that everyone has to opportunity to discover and live their unconditional and childlike expression in this world.

What is then the solution? How is it that we return to our childlike selves? I find the following quote very supportive in this regard.

“Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous!

Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don’t care,
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharp;
I alone am dull.
Other people have purpose;
I alone don’t know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

I am different from ordinary people.
I drink from the Great Mother’s breasts.”

― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

The solution to stopping our continuous adult contemplation and replace it with LIFE is to STOP thinking. Thinking not only steals our attention from the present moments, it also becomes the building blocks of our life, and the problem here is that we have not even investigated the consequences of our thoughts; what does our thoughts really create? We must remind ourselves that the future will only ever be an abstract concept, something we use to make sense of time and space, however, LIFE will only ever be HERE. Thus, when we think about the future it should only be to organize and plan for our life HERE, yet that plan must not, and in reality cannot, take precedence of what is HERE. Hence, a plan, or a goal, will never in itself fulfill us, give us peace and joy – if we want to experience such words for real – they must be created HERE in our everyday life – in the mundane and recurrent. And in doing that, what we will discover and understand, which children already see, is that life HERE is not mundane, it is a constant flow of new moments that we can only ever really see if we stop thinking and instead place our full awareness in the present.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 260: OOD = Obsessive Organizing Disorder

Today as I woke up, I knew that I had a long day of reading ahead of me – and because I know that I can focus and concentrate better when I have had some physical movement, I decided to go out and spend my morning doing some ‘farm-work’. Now, I currently live on an old farm, and my family as been living on this property for some four generations. This has caused many of the various buildings on the farm to become very, very, very disorganized. I am not sure why that is, though it might have something to do with rushing, and how we tend to disregard important points in our life, such as our living environment, because we are rushing towards the next thing on our to-do-list.

Regardless of why, it is very messy in some of the locals. And I have noticed that this messiness really gets to me – because I enjoy when points are organized, systematic, they make sense, and they have a clearly defined purpose. For example, I do not like a room where there is a myriad of things from various categories – such as a bicycle, mixed with a chainsaw, and a outboard engine. When I get into such a room I become all uneasy, and feel an urge to start organizing, and getting things into their proper place. And with some rooms on the farm I have managed to structure and organize things, though many are still left to be dealt with.

So, today as I was going about some chores around the farm, I got an idea of how to use a room, that would make sense, and that would bring more order and structure to things. In the next moment I realized that if I was going to follow through on that initial idea, the new purpose of the room that I had come up with, would clash slightly with the purpose of another room that I had thought up. Hence, I in that moment experienced a conflict of purposes – which led me to start thinking about it more, and more. Behind the scenes of this thinking process there was an emotional experience lurking – an anxiety – the driving force behind that urge to organize, to have things be systematic, controlled, specific, and aligned with their purpose.

Thus today, I am going to open up this obsessive organizing disorder-character – because this urge to organize and make things streamlined according to their purpose, it does not only come up in relation to the farm – it also comes up in my life. For example, I have noticed that it is very difficult for me to just pick up a new hobby, unless it is somehow fitted into the ‘purpose’ of my life, and where I picture myself going. And it is also difficult to ‘just do something’ without it having a goal, a purpose, an end-result in sight of what I want to achieve with this thing that I am doing. Accordingly, my diagnose is that I am obsessed with having things ‘fit into’ a scheme – a picture – a mental concept that I have created of my life – which in turn creates conflict in me when my reality does not fit into my concept of how reality should be like.

Then comes the most important question – What is the SOLUTION that I see for this pattern? As far as I see it – the solution is to accepted and allowed myself to again become a child, live like a child, and approach my day like a child – because what does a child do? A child is here in the present moment, participating in what is opening up here – and if a child one day notices how much he or she likes to ride horses – then the child will do that – unconditionally – not because it fits into the child’s idea of what he or she should do in the future. Hence, the correction is to live in the present moment – to NOT think about whether something is proper or improper – to NOT think about where something should lead me – to NOT try to organize and define everything into neat little pockets of information where I feel that I know where I am going – to be flexible and live in the moment – though still obviously – have a overview and a general sense of direction in knowing where I am going.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I constantly need to plan things beforehand, and that with all things I do and participate in, that they need to fit into a purpose, into a direction, and into a particular way of seeing things – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live in the moment, and be in the present – and approach things HERE – thus not try to fit things into, and define things, so that they are sorted and stored in a way that makes sense to me – because I see, realize and understand that things doesn’t always have to make sense – instead I can participate in something because I enjoy it, because it is here, and without having a already decided plan

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with seeing the future in everything that I do – where for me to do something – I have to see a path into the future, where this points develops, and matures, and then benefits me in my life in some way – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that not all parts and aspects of my life require to have a deep purpose and function – that sometimes – it is cool to just do something in that moment and then never return to it again – not all things require to fit in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with organizing and moving things where I live, to fit them into a systematic organization, that I think is logical, and that is based on reason – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I do not have to organize, and systematize all things in my life – that some points I can leave as they are – and it won’t become better or worse whether I chose to organize the point or not – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to be comfortable with disorganization

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable, and cringe inside of myself when I feel that things are not organized properly – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of immediately wanting to organize things, and put them into their correct place – and then go into a state of anxiety, and fear when I can’t seem to find a way of organization that fits into my way of logically structuring points in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to define and make sense out of everything that happens in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overanalyze situations, and what I am doing in my life – want to fit it into the bigger scheme of things – when really – sometimes there is no such meaning to a point that occurs – and sometimes there is no value in trying to define, or make sense of something – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be comfortable with not specifically knowing where things are headed, and how they might turn out in the future – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to trust myself – and stand stable in my breath here – even though I have no clear view, or exact knowledge on how the decision I make is going to affect me and what it is going to lead to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, that even though I might not see the full picture just yet, that when I move myself, and continue to push myself forward – that I am going to reach a point where I do see what is going on and the best decision I can make to support my life and the life of others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the moment – living here in the present – as how children live – where there is no thought about what something should become – and rather what is important is the moment of self-expression that is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can trust myself to direct points HERE in the present as they come up and as I see that it is relevant for me to move – make a decision – and direct a particular point – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace this point of moving in the present – and practice seeing the way forward HERE – having a plan – yet not accepting and allowing this plan to overshadow my present reality and the opportunities that are opening up for me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that when I get too caught up in my plans, and in what my future should be, and should become, I miss out on the physical living HERE – and I miss out on the process of self-creation that must be done in every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice establishing, and creating a balance for myself, between planning for the future, and remaining in the present – creating and being receptive to what is going on here

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a way of being, where I am trying to make my life fit into a predetermined planned, and define it into already specified, and purposefully arranged boxes, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I approach life from this starting point – I am going to create conflict within myself – because I will constantly think about the ideals – about how something SHOULD be – and not how things are here – and thus I commit myself to create a balance between the present and my future – where I do have a plan and a purpose for my life and future – yet where I am still accepting and allowing myself to be present HERE and receptive to what is opening up and moving in my day to day living

When and as I see that I am going into future projections, where I am imagining how things should become, how things should develop, how things should work out, and how things should be like, and what I can do in my future to make things the way I have imagined, and hoped that they should be, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I only think about what I should do in the future, and what I must do before I can begin moving, or doing something in my life, I am holding myself back, and limiting myself severely, grinding myself to a total halt within myself, because all of myself is in the future and not HERE – and thus I commit myself to create a balance between making plans for the future, and living HERE in the moment, creating and building, and shaping my life in the moment, with the resources that are at my disposal HERE

When and as I see myself going into and as a state of future planning, where I try to organize and make sense of this present moment through thinking about what I can, and should do in the future, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself by accepting and allowing myself to make sense of this present moment – that I do not need that to be stable, sound and clear, and be directive about my decision and where I am going – and thus I commit myself to trust myself to walk in the present – and trust myself that as I walk I will see the next step to take – and the next point to take on and move and direct – and thus that I do not require to use my mind to make sense of where I am and where I am going

Day 154: Letting Go of a Past Moment

During this last week I’ve had a couple of instances where I forget things, or miss things, or make unnecessary and preventable mistakes, and I looked at where this came from – and I saw that it came from a tendency I have to think about, analyze, and become preoccupied with events and situations that occur in my life.

For example, as I was eating together with a couple of friends, I was discussing and sharing some realizations that I have had, and as the moment was done – and I was supposed to move into a new moment, with my full awareness, and presence being here with me, I instead started to think about, analyze, and pick apart the moment that had already passed, which had the consequence of me not being aware, present, and able to direct the new moment that had entered my world.

What I want to practice living is focus, as well as presence, and live that in such a way, so that when I am done with a moment, I unconditionally move myself to the next moment, and completely let go of the past – and then – if I decide to do so – I can revisit the moment that had passed when I am in a position to do so, for example, as I am lying in my bed, ready to go to sleep, or sitting by my computer writing myself out – though – it’s not appropriate or effective to look at passed moments when I am in the middle of my life, having responsibilities and commitments that I require to direct, to in such a moment start looking at a past moment – because in those situations I require to have my entire awareness and presence here with my human physical body – and with what I am doing here – if I don’t I can obviously manifest dire consequences for myself, which is not necessary at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I require to be present, aware and here when and as I am moving myself throughout my life, and that it can have consequences if I do not push myself to remain here – within and as breath – moving myself with what is here and having full attention upon my physical body – and my physical world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang unto past moments, and take past moments into my mind and start to analyze them, and think about them, and pick them apart, instead of moving myself HERE within and as breath, within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my attention from myself, my physical body, and my physical world, through participating in a state of analyzing, and picking apart past moments, and evaluating my performance in these moments, instead of realizing, that this is a thing that I can’t do when I walk in my life, and participate in this reality, because I require to be on my toes, cautious and present of what is going on, and if I don’t push myself to walk this I will create consequences for myself, which is totally unnecessary, because I can just immediately apply and walk this realization that when I am out and about, moving and participating, I require to have my presence HERE on what I am doing in this very moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I fall in a moment, I can’t start thinking about it, because that might have consequences, as I require to be here in my world, and direct myself to take care of my responsibilities, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself to give me some time each day where I do allow myself to bring up past moments, and look at who I am within them, and look at corrections, and solutions, that I am able to apply to correct these moments and who I am within them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to let go of each moment that I’ve lived, no matter how reactive I’ve been in that moment, to let it go, and then at a later stage, when I do have the time, and when the situation is appropriate, to bring myself back to that moment, and walk it through, and define a correction and solution for myself

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice letting go of past moments immediately as I’ve walked them through, and bring myself back here to what I am doing, and be here in the present with myself, and have my complete attention here on what I am doing

I commit myself to direct myself to give myself the time each day to look at my day, to look at reactions, and experiences, and define solutions, and corrections for myself – and thus – make sure that I directively make the decision to bring a past moment here for me to look at it and walk through in writing and self-forgiveness

I commit myself to live focus practically in my world, through making sure that I have my attention placed HERE on what I am doing in every moment, and make sure that I don’t preoccupy myself with anything in my mind, but that my complete presence, and awareness is instead located, and focused, and placed here with myself