Tag Archives: pressure

Day 384: Solving Fear With Structure

I have worked a lot with fear, anxiety and insecurity in relation to work and managed to stabilize myself in many dimensions/areas. However, what is cool, and also challenging about my work, is that I am continuously moving into more expansive positions of responsibility, which then opens up new experiences/dimensions of anxiety, fear and insecurity. I have realized that there are a couple of things that assists and supports me to remain stable at work. Firstly, structuring and planning my work thoroughly assists and supports me to remain stable. Secondly, preparing myself and devoting the time and effort required for me to be fully knowledgeable as to the point I am directing assists and supports me to remain stable. Though, recently with work, because I have been given new responsibilities, it has been more difficult to fall back on my previous tools.

There are primarily two things that builds this pressure within me. It is the fear of making a mistake, mishandling my responsibilities, and facing critique/anger from colleagues and others – and it is the feeling that there is too much, too many responsibilities, and too little time for me to effectively handle them. The latter of these pressure points is not only mind-based – it is a fact that I have little time – and to get to all my responsibilities – it is hence important that I am efficient, precise, prepared and structured – because that enables me to walk through it effectively. The former, the fear of mishandling my responsibilities, is however a mind point, in the sense that, it does not make sense to worry about critique/anger that I might potentially face from others, as it should not affect who I am anyway. Hence, it is these two points, and my relationship to these points that I want to work with. If I am able to stabilize these points – I know that I will be able to work and care for my responsibilities without going into pressure/anxiety/fear.

Thus during the past week I have worked with the word STRUCTURE. Initially I found this word empty and vague. Though, as I considered, looked at, and practiced implementing structure into my life, I came to see that structure is very much practical. Living the word structure is not the same as having routines – because routines does not necessarily have to be structured. In the word structured there is an element of prudence, sagacity and foresight. When something is structured, it is planned, it is considered, it is a plan develop with clarity and understanding. A routine on the other hand is simply something I do because I have done it other times. Structuring my life requires intelligence and self-movement.

I practiced structure through pushing myself to take one day each week, either at the beginning or the end, to plan the week ahead, using ‘to-do-lists’ and basic timetables. This then gave me the opportunity to slow down and look at my work and my home-life from a birds eye-view – which would allow me to prioritize, plan-ahead, consider, refine, and prepare myself for the week to come – so that nothing would come as a surprise. The results of this practice was that I remained grounded and stable throughout my week. When something unexpected came along, I dealt with that, however when that point was sorted out, I would return to the plan.

Another way which I would live structure was to already before I went to take my coffee break, decide on how long it was going to be. I did this because I have a tendency to otherwise, sit at the table, and wait until some of my colleagues leave, and then get up and back to work. However, when I do that, this is sometimes compromising, because I will loose time, that would have been better used working. This, similarly supported me to remain stable, to know what was coming, to know what I was doing, when I was doing it, and how I was doing it.

Hence, structure, a very interesting word, and I have come to see that it is in-fact practical, concrete and very much earthed. Living and integrating structure has however been quite challenging, because I have a tendency to ‘flow out’ into unstructured and spontaneous activity – and although I enjoy this form of expression at times – it is not very supportive to live like this all the time. In other words, it is always supportive to have a direction, though that should not limit me from improvising when it is needed, or I decide to do so, because it is something that I want to experience.

I will continue to experiment with the word structure in the week to come. Will be back with updates.

 


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Day 316: Over Working vs. Balance

In the past week I had a lot on my plate at work, and that was my own fault, as I took on too much, and did not consider the amount of time that I had to my disposal. I pushed myself to do as much as I could, and as the weekend arrived, I felt that my body was exhausted, almost burnt out. I have experienced this before, and this week I have looked at the point more deeply, to see where it comes from, why I do this to myself, and how I can correct it.

Before I begin writing out this point, there are some basic facts that must be established. The physical body is a living organism, with great potential. It is possible to push the body far and beyond above what we believe to be possible. With self-will, we are able to work, push, and move ourselves further than what the mind is able to conceive – YET – there is a limit – and there are also points that must be considered when it comes to HOW we are pushing ourselves forward. Because the body can only take so much, AND, in pushing the body, and ourselves with it, we must give the body time to replenish, recuperate, and the movement must be natural.

What I have discovered is that, when I move myself with breath, which means moving in a steady, consistent pace, with room for breaks, detours, and leisure time, the body is capable of a lot, and then there is really no need for replenishment. However, when moving the body, for an extended period of time, with great focus and intensity, without allowing time for breaks, and detours, this will cause the body to become tired and exhausted. And I have found that this is because how this type of focused, intense movement, that progresses over an extended period of time, is actually based in a energy; most of the time – stress. This has been the case for me.

The interesting thing is that this stress is not experienced as a emotional stress – it is instead a form of physical stress and pressure that is placed on the body. Hence it can be difficult to recognize. For me, I can see that this stress is present when I feel that there is no time for small breaks, and detours from what I am doing, when I have in a way, become possessed with work.  The word possessed is interesting, because that is literally what happens, I am stuck in one state of mind, a fast track direction to somewhere, unclear where. A small, yet significant example, is when I am making my breakfast, and I prepare my sandwiches. I have a couple of spreads to choose from, and I prefer to add some vegetables. However, that takes some extra bit of time, and some days, I will resist taking that time, and doing that little extra for myself. And it is not because there is no time, it is because, I feel like there is no time – in other words – stress. The consequence is that I will limit my breakfast and how I prepare my food, because I do not feel like there is time, because I am already on the fast track, one direction mind set of going to work.

The solution to this point is apparent from what I have shared above. Work, and for that matter, all other forms of activity, MUST be done with balance, in a state of mind that allows for detours, for breaks, for side tracks, for a overview on things – and the reason for this is because the body needs it – we ourselves need it. Our lives cannot consist of but one thing, one focus, one experience that we hone into and become stuck in – we are in our very nature expansive – and this life offers so much room for discovery and exploration. Though, when we get stuck in our fast track mind-set – life disappears, becomes but a scenery in the movie of our life, where we are following a already established plot, that offers no room for our creative, and unconditional expression to come through.

Hence, I will commit myself to incorporate balance into my life, and even though I have a lot to do at work, I will still bring in balance – and I will do that through regularly throughout my day, allow myself to digress, to stand back, to take a couple of deep breaths and center myself in my body, and allow myself to physically stand up, go for a stroll, go to talk with someone, read something different, take a cup of coffee, or similar – the main point being that I actively balance out my day in a way that supports myself and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to balance my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck in what I do – too focused – to intense – and forget that there are other things to life – forget to consider and support my physical body – forget myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself time and space to regularly take a break – take a walk – take some breaths – enjoy my physical body and physical reality – to go and discover my life – and not become possessed with what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively release myself from any state of possession that I go into in relation to work through breathing – relaxing my body – bringing myself back here – giving myself time to be HERE – realizing that I am not rushing to get anywhere important anyway – as all roads leads to Rome – which in this case is death – so – why rush – why run – when I can stop up and smell the flowers instead?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively through my day reconnect with my physical body, talk with my body, interact with my body, listen to what my body has to say, listen to it and see what I can do to support my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively give myself time to support my human physical body each and every day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is a flag-point, when I start to feel as if I do not have the time to support myself, take a break for a moment.

I commit myself to care for and consider my human physical body through integrating the word balance into my life

I commit myself to live balance through taking breaks and regularly allowing myself to digress – do something differently – and move in a pace that is supportive for myself and my body


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Day 313: When Work Becomes A Lifestyle

In certain professions and career paths there exist this norm, an accepted and even idealized trait, that you should work a lot – that it is good to work a lot – that you will expand and bloom if you work a lot. It is a interesting way of looking at life and there are many examples of this in modern TV-series. Let us look at the series Suits for example. Here we have two guys, pulling long hours each day, working, hanging out with their colleagues, and on their free-time, which is sparse, they either plan what they are going to do at work later, or worry about things that have or that might go wrong at work.

I have myself managed to end up in one of these career paths where there is a majority that view work as an ideal and it has only been recently that I have started to question this way of life, and in that asking myself – why is it that I see working a lot as something to strive for? And looking deeper at this point, I have seen that it is not so much about the work in itself, instead what moves and drives me to put in long hours is a mix of fears, desires, and also, some genuine expressions of MOVEMENT and EXPANSION. There is in-fact a genuine urge to improve, to go further, to enhance,  and to reach perfection. However, there is one important point that is missed in all of this, and I assume it is something that has become programmed into us from birth, it is that I do not see that in ALL parts of my life there are opportunities to push for perfection.

Hence, why is it that I only choose to push and will myself to go further at my work and not for example, with the same fervency and passion, in my own inner process of self-change? Or in my daily living chores, such as cooking, cleaning, washing, doing my hair, cleaning myself, etc? What I have seen is that this drive does not exist the same way, because in my personal life, there is no reward, there is no MONEY at the end of the line, there is no boss approving my work, no colleague telling me that I am doing good, there is no STIMULUS that moves me to push myself. This is obviously a extensive limitation, and a misalignment that causes me to put in too much time at work, creating a unbalance between my personal life of leisure and responsibility, and my professional life of survival in the world system.

What I have seen that I want to create in my life in order to correct this point is a balance between my leisure life and my professional life – and also – to remind myself each day that my private leisure life is also VERY important  – because it is here that I am able to pursue interests and push points that are not at this stage accepted as a part of the working system. Such as for example, giving time and effort to the DIP courses that I am walking, or pushing myself to write more for myself, do more blogs, and when the time is there, do vlogs – and also to give myself time to investigate the current functioning of the system.

What I want to share with this blog is the importance of remembering ourselves, that it is not about what we do in the system, who remembers us, how much money we earn, or what legacy we leave behind – at the end of the day it is about WHO WE ARE – and that point of self-creation is not limited to working. In-fact, for us to expand, to become multifaceted, skilled and learned in all parts of living, we have to give ourselves time to do other things but working.

And due to this point opening up, I have begun to observe myself more intently those days when I remain at the office long after working hours – and I have seen that my experience in those moments is slightly charged and elevated, it has become an addiction to work past the clock, and even though I have handled all the responsibilities that are required, I still sit there and continue – because I do not feel like stopping. It is thus in these moments that I have begun to apply the correction of taking a deep breath, slowing down, and asking myself: ‘Do I really need to sit here and work past the clock today?’ – and then if I answer that question with a self-honest NO – I pack up my things and leave for the day.

And related to this, I wish to share something that I read: It was an article about an old man who was nearing his retirement, and he look at the new generations, and said it looked like we were all running a 100 meter race, running as fast as we could to create as much as possible. He said that actually, life, and work, is like a marathon, and to reach the end you have to retain a balance in your life. If you use up all your energy in the first kilometers, you are going to be too tired to finish. And that is insightful and it also the solution to career, to work, and actually, to most points in life – walk with moderation – balance – and see that if but one thing becomes our complete life – then we are going to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves. We need to have variety in our lives in order to be functional and effective. And here is then the irony, that the more balance we have, the more effective and productive we will be when we do sit down to work – because then we have a clear and rested mind and a rejuvenated and replenished body.

Day 238: Self-neglect – and how to correct it

A couple of awesome and inspiring interviews have been released from Eqafe in the last few days covering the subject self-neglect. Here are links to the products:

Self Neglect: How you Neglect Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 307

Self Neglect: Changing the Pattern – Atlanteans – Part 308

Self Neglect: Awareness Emerges – Atlanteans – Part 309

NeglectedWhen I listened to the interviews I was amazed, because I could clearly see how I had been neglecting myself, my body, my process, and in short myself. Before I couldn’t see my self-neglect – it had become part of me – and in this world the generally accepted way of moving through life is within and as self-neglect. In some ways it is actually demanded of each human being to neglect him or herself – neglect is a part of the survival system – where we have to neglect that which is best for all in order to survive in the world system.

The word neglect in the dictionary has the definition: Fail to care for properly

Now this definition requires us to have a clear definition of the words care and properly – because without being clear on those two words – we are not able to see when we do not CARE for a point in our world PROPERLY – and thus neglect ourselves. And that is what these interviews assisted and supported me to see – because some practical examples are given – and being shown the nature and of neglect and it comes through – it’s easier to see the energetic signature.

For example, you can find the energetic signature of self-neglect in your self/actions/living when you rush through doing the dishes, just trying to get it down as fast as possible, and leaving behind grease, and stains of food on the plates. You can find the signature when you go to the bathroom, and as you wash your hands, you do it routinely without attentively making sure your hands are clean, rubbing the soap, and making sure that your hygiene is effective. You can also spot the energy of self-neglect when you wake up in the morning, and you start that inner rush, going into the bathroom while at the same time thinking about what you are going to do, and forgetting to make your bed, or opening the window to vent musty air from your bedroom after a night of sleep.

Basically, you will find self-neglect in the areas of your life where you have a tendency to be IN YOUR MIND, in the NEXT THING you are going to do, in the NEXT project – and this you will experience as a RUSH – a constant experience of anxiety/stress/pressure – where you will justify not living in and caring for your physical reality effectively, through thinking that you do not have the time. That is the very core of self-neglect – failing to care for your physical reality because the mind reality is seen as more important.

It’s not strange that our world looks the way it looks, with the ecosystem deteriorating, the economical system falling apart, the educational system worsening by each day, when we in our personal lives are not able to care for ourselves and our direct environment. Isn’t it obvious that this will reflect in the world system? It’s common sense that the greater whole is the sum of all the small parts – and the small parts in the context of the world system is each human beings individual life – individual actions – and individual expression.

Thus, if we are serious about changing the world to become a better place, we MUST start with ourselves, and make sure that we don’t accept and allow neglect in our personal worlds. Because if we do – how can we ever expect the greater whole to change? It’s impossible!

Day 174: What Are My Projections Telling Me About Myself?

I’ve been applying and walking this point of stopping projections and fears coming up in relation to possible future outflows and events – I’ve found that it’s difficult to stop myself and I see that there are dimensions of this point that I have not yet covered and walked through.

So, this dimension opened up when I discussed my projections with my future – she asked me: “How would you then feel within yourself if you manage to create your projections and make them real, what is that you see would come down the line?”

When I looked at this point, I could see that the primary reason wasn’t so much that it was practical, and it wasn’t so much about fear either, instead I could see that my projection and goal represented an experience and a certain presence – and primarily I saw that it had to do with certainty, self-trust, fulfillment and peace – being at ease with myself. Because when I answered the question, I said that: “fulfilling these plans would make me more comfortable and at ease with myself!” – so, obviously I realize that the point I am facing here is not that the projections are bad or wrong – instead these projections are consistently showing me that there is something I am not giving to myself in my daily living; namely being certain and at peace with myself – an existence free from uncertainty, worry and doubt.

Thus, I realize that my corrective application must contain this dimension of inserting a new programming, a new way of living, and this is something I must create and build for myself in my daily living – and apply myself as these words consistently and with discipline – certainty, self-trust and fulfillment – and thus resulting in me experiencing myself peaceful here.

In this blog I am going to walk through define my correction for myself – as well as forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live these words in my daily life – the primary point here is to find physical corrections that I will be able to apply in my daily life so that I can actually direct and change this point.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my future projections are showing my parts of myself that I am not yet living and standing as in my daily life and daily living – that they are showing me the potential that I have here and that I am able to create in every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fulfill my potential through practicing living certainty, fulfillment, self-trust in every moment of breath – living and applying these words for real as actually trusting myself that regardless of what might come and arise in my world I will direct and I will move the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must physically change and direct myself to live self-certainty, which I must do through actually changing my thought patterns, my way of reasoning, and my way of looking at things, to instead of being based within and as fear, anxiety and inferiority, that I am looking at things, looking at my future within and as self-confidence, self-certainty, and self-trust, that I look at it from the starting point that I don’t fear walking into the unknown, that I don’t fear making mistakes, that I don’t fear fucking up – but that I instead trust myself, and direct myself to walk, and do what must be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my future from a starting point of fear and inadequacy – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to look at things in my mind from within and as a starting point that “I won’t be able to do this” – and “I can’t handle this” – and thus within this make all of these subordinated plans and escape routes for IF everything goes to hell – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead trust myself – and rely upon myself that IF everything goes to hell – I will deal with it – I will direct it – and I will move and sort out the point and not accept and allow myself to go into inferiority and feeling less than – I will instead direct and move the point and not accept and allow myself to fall together and give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, anxiety, and worry towards the future – and within this make decisions, and look at my future from a starting point of inadequacy, and from a starting point of “I won’t make it” – and “I will not be able to deal with this and walk it through effectively” – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and stabilize myself here – and ask myself: If I remove all of the fear – all of the what if’s – all of the maybe’s – all of the nervousness – then what would be the most common sense decision that is best for all – what would be serve me and those that are in my reality?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice making decisions and moving myself into my future from a starting point of and as self-trust, self-certainty, and stability – knowing that whatever outflow – whatever consequence – whatever might develop and come out of my decisions – I will stand – I will move myself – and I will get things done – and I will not stop and hold back – and give up until I am through and I’ve stabilized myself and directed the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my future from within and a starting point of everything will work out perfectly – versus – everything will completely go to hell and not work whatsoever – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and my participation – and instead of moving and directing myself in self-certainty – move myself from within and as a starting point of wanting to create a solution that will somewhat work for me – that will be somewhat effective – IF something will come up and emerge in my world that I have not control and power over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and motivate myself – and make decisions from within and as a fear of the future – and believe that the best decisions will come from within and as me making a decision that is based on fear – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am completely limited and withheld from making a decision that would contribute to my existence – as well as the existence of others – and that the best I can do in my life is to make sure that I survive and that I get through my day unharmed – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision to push and walk in my life not only for myself – but for everyone – and push myself to make the best out of my life – not from a starting point of fear – but from within and as a starting point of creating my life and living to be what is best for all – to be superb – to be the best that it can be – wherein I don’t accept and allow compromises in order to satisfy my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I remove fear – my way of looking at and moving myself into the future is going to change – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally ask myself – what is the best direction – what is the best movement – what is the best thing that I am able to do with myself during this coming time – what is it that I require to do – what is that I want to do? What is that I want to contribute? What is it that I want to create? And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am not able to answer these questions through holding unto fear and anxiety – but that instead I must stand as self-certainty, self-will and self-motivation – and walk myself into my life and build – create – and establish my life – not from a starting point fear or anxiety – but from a starting point of creating a life for myself as well as others that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at my future from a starting point of common sense – to remove the fear and to go into a silence within myself and look at the potential outflows – the potential points that might arise – the potential direction and possibilities and within this remove all fear and anxiety – remove nervousness – removing feeling less than and inferior and instead bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and stand stable – certain and self-willed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the main-problem and issue that I am facing is not what decisions I am to make for my future – it’s rather WHO I AM within and as these decisions – WHO I AM within and as my human physical body – WHO I AM within and my daily living – and I see, realize and understand that I must make a plan – that fits into my general direction and Desteni that I am creating for myself – and then stick with this plan and walk it through – and not accept and allow my plan to be based upon fear and anxiety – but rather base my plan upon common sense as what I see makes sense and will produce an effective outcome for my future life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience as if there is something missing within me and my life – as if there is something in my general movement and participation that is lacking – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think – perceive and believe that I must make up for this through becoming someone else – through building skills and achieving great marks and becoming ranked as being one of the absolute best – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming seen as one of the absolute least effective – being regarded as having no value and no meaning and no purpose – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live from a starting point of protecting myself from the future and from this eventual play-out of becoming nothing at all – of being nobody at all – of loosing myself and being considered a failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I look at my future, to look at it from within and a starting point of energy, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I look at a point from within this starting point, I am limiting my perspective, and my view of the point to only see some aspects, and some dimensions, and I don’t see the entirety, and I don’t see how it will influence and affect all of my life – all of my world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that one of the reasons as to why I don’t experience certainty, and self-trust, and live these words as myself – is because I don’t accept and allow myself to look at the entirety and the complete picture of my world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to look at all aspects and dimensions of a point when I make a decision – so that I am certain as to what I am creating for myself and whether what I am creating is actually something that I can stand by and that I do want to create and bring into my life and bring into creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that self-trust and self-certainty arises from me taking responsibility for my life and giving myself direction – and being clear upon what is that I want to create – what is that I want to build and what it is that I want to formulate in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is not go into fear, and build my life from fear, but instead look at common sense, look at what I am able to do, and how I am able to form and shape my life in order to make a difference not only for myself but for others in my life – and thus I commit myself to make this my goal and direction in life – to make a difference not only for myself but also for others – to create solutions that are best for all – and to measure my decisions – to measure my applications – to measure my life from this starting point – where is it that I am able to have an impact – and how am I able to bring forth and integrate such an impact in my life and make it a living reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to live and participate from within and as self-certainty and self-trust – and I see, realize and understand that the one point that I require to create and live for myself is trusting myself and that I will direct my life – and create my life – and build my life – regardless of what – regardless of what consequences – regardless of what happens – I will stand – stabilize myself – and find solutions – and thus I commit myself to practice this point of living the wordBe still and know that I am god” – and push myself to find solutions – to find ways to get through and move myself – and define solutions for myself – define ways in which I am able to formulate solutions that will work for everyone and that will birth outflows that will have an effect upon everyone that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto memories of my past of me failing within certain subjects in school, and in that hearing the voices of my parents saying to me that if I fail with my school I will fail with my life, and I will not able to make anything of myself, and my life, and my world, and my reality will come to nothing whatsoever – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear – to go into anxiety – worry and nervousness – and build my life from this fear that my life might come to nothing – that my life might end up being worthless and without purpose – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead insert and live the direction of myself in my life of living in every moment – of being here within and as breath – of having a plan because it’s practical yet not becoming possessed with and controlled by that plan but realizing that life is HERE – that life must walked – lived and created on a moment to moment basis – and that I will never be able to with certainty know and predict exactly how everything will come to pass – instead this is something that I must walk in every moment – and my process will unfold on a breath per breath basis – and thus I commit myself to walk this point of unfolding my process and my life on a breath per breath basis – of having a plan but not being controlled and possessed with the plan – of having a goal but not being possessed with the goal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that clarity, and direction, and movement, and knowing who I am, where I will go, what I will create, and what I will manifest in this life, will only arise, and come through when and as I let go of fear – when and as I stop fear and bring myself back here and instead of existing in a constant stress and tension towards my future – that I instead direct – move and live myself into creation in every moment of breath; and thus I commit myself to practice this point for the coming week – of sticking with my plans – walking with them – and only changing them or re-directing them when and as it’s not anymore possible or relevant to follow through on them – and then if that occurs look at my world – change – yet not accept and allow this to change who I am – because I am not my plan – the plan is but a plan and not who I am – as I am here as the breath of life in every moment of breath

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into fear of the future, into this point of creating a plan for myself in the hopes of finding certainty, stability and trust somewhere out there in a distant and far out projected future – I immediately stop myself, I breathe and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to stop the fear, to stop the projection – and to support myself in this – I commit myself to practice living self-trust here – to practice living and directing my life in the moment HERE – and not anymore rely upon fear, imaginations, projections, worries and anxieties to move myself – but instead to move myself HERE – to direct myself HERE

I commit myself to align my future to exist within and as – and from the starting point of creating a difference for everyone – and thus take the world – humanity – everyone into consideration in regards to my future decisions – and as such not anymore be possessed and controlled within and as this personal self-interest and the fears involved in not being able to fulfill my self-interest – thus I commit myself to expand my sphere of influence to as such extend to this world – nature – my partner – my cats – the group I am walking with – and thus change the ME to being a WE – and deliberately push this point through changing my thinking patterns and the way I look at things – to involve more dimensions – more aspects – more outflows – more consequences – and learn to see how one decision will ripple throughout this world and what that one decision will create

Day 155: Fitting In

Today I faced a point in my world in regards to desire I’ve created within myself to fit in and be liked, and the context was the following: So, there is a person A in my world – now – I’ve noticed that person A seem to like some other persons more than what he likes me. When I’ve noticed this, I have come up within me, a reaction of sadness, despair, as well as blame, because apparently its persons A fault that I feel the way I feel, because he should like me equally as much as he likes these other persons.

Looking at the point in common sense, it’s obviously very ineffective to walk around in life, wanting to be liked by people, and also, defining myself according to whether I perceive myself as being liked, or disliked by others, because it creates the consequences, that I am like a bouncer – where I either bounce upwards, because I believe someone likes me, or I crash down, because I believe someone dislikes me – making me ineffective at that which is important in my life = caring and tending to my commitments and responsibilities, and walking my self-process, where the focus is me and who I am, and not on what others do or don’t do. Further, its impossible to make sure that anyone likes me, and thus its nonsensical to accept and allow my self-experience to be dependent upon such a uncertain and insubstantial point – much better that I instead remain the same – remain stable regard less of whether I am liked or disliked.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to whether I perceive that another dislike, or like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, and experience despair, and inferiority, when and as I perceive that another person in my life doesn’t like me, or likes me less than what he or she likes another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the point of whether I am liked or disliked, of whether I have friends or I don’t have friends, of whether I am involved in a group or I am not involved in a group, instead of pushing myself to remain stable regardless of whether someone likes or dislikes me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want harmonious relationships in my life, where I am certain that everybody likes me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, suppress and change myself around others, to make sure that they like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a irrational fear of being disliked, and excommunicated from a group, in believing that my value is dependent upon whether I am invited and received by another as a friend, and as a positive point in another human beings life and world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I suspect that another dislikes me, to immediately go into and as sadness, and despair, and believe that another dislikes me, because there is something wrong with me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the natural, and normal state of things, should be that everyone likes me, that everyone experience me as a positive, and upbeat life force in their world, and that they want to have me around them, because they feel happy around me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value, and worth around the point of whether others are happy around me or not – instead of defining my value according to who I am, according to my self-application, and according to my own decision as to who I am in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for not liking me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that another is pulling me down in a emotional turmoil, because he, or she doesn’t like me, or appreciate me sufficiently, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its not in-fact about the other, but its about my relationship with myself, and that this other person assists and supports me to reveal, and expose a certain dimension of my relationship with myself that I haven’t yet looked at and investigated specifically and effectively – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the blame, and instead be grateful that this other person assists and supports me in revealing certain self-compromising dimensions that exists within me that I haven’t yet dealt with and directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in my mind that my relationship with another is destroyed, and isn’t working, because the other person seemingly doesn’t like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with another isn’t defined according to how another experience themselves, but is something that I define and create within myself, as I decide who I am, and as I decide what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me towards another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my focus be upon how this person experience himself, instead of looking at how I exist within and as myself, and what I am able to do to bring this point into and as a solution for myself – and let go of my reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reactions with thinking that we simply don’t fit together, that we simply don’t agree with one another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how in-fact, this is a self-compromise, that its not about the other person, but that its about what I accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define the context of this relationship, and place myself towards this other person specifically, in defining the purpose and direction of the relationship, and as such making sure that I know who I am in relation to the other point so that there exists no conflict within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I meet new people, to define and specifically direct the relationship within me, to specify what the relationship is, and who I am towards the relationship, why the relationship is in my world, and thus how I am in relationship to that particular person – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself go into conflict within myself, because I want all the relationships in my world to be that of friendships, of feeling pleasurable, and nice, and me within that feeling liked, instead of realizing that there are other forms of relationships in this world that doesn’t have this context, and where I require to align myself to the point from within and as a starting point that is in alignment with why the relationship exists in my world to begin with

Self-commitments

I commit myself to align my relationship to person A to be in relation to the context as to why the relationship is in my world, and to not expect, or want anything more out of it, than what the relationship is on a physical level – and thus I commit myself to let go of any hopes, and expectations of being liked, or loved, and instead keep it professional, and direct it according to what I see is best for the both of us in relation to where we are in our life’s

I commit myself to breathe through the reactions of despair, inferiority, and sadness, and instead align myself with my human physical body, and make the relationship with person A supportive in relation to the context as to why we have each-other in our worlds – and why we’ve meet – and as such not try to make something that it isn’t – or hope that it should be something different than what it is – I remain with what real – and what is here

Day 102: Control and Wanting

To continue on yesterday’s topic, which was about me about to write my exams, and within that having an experience of nervousness. Thus, today I listened to a fascinating interview (here you can find it) about “Letting go” and how this is something we tend to, not do, because we want to have control.

It was explained that we desire to control things because in essence there is a want involved, something we desire and believe we must have in order to be content with ourselves, which is a point of stimulus, a point of response. Thus, we seek to control a point, because we want response, thus looking at this in relation to my education, I am able to see that the specific want I am looking for, the specific response, is to be recognized in the system as a effective and successful person – and this is something I want because it means I will be in the center of attention, I will have people in my world look at me, admire me, and respect me because I have that particular job or career, in essence a form of fame.

I am also able to see this in terms of the future projections that from time to time come up within me, that it’s always about me in some career path, or future, where I’ve gotten ahead, I am the best, I am the winner – I got the coolest job, the coolest clothes, the coolest hairstyle, I am that person everyone desire to be; intelligent, cool, smooth, elegant and stylish – so it’s fascinating that I am creating this tension within me as wanting to control my education for me to be able to ascertain that I will reach and get an hold of this want.

What was also mentioned in this interview, was how it’s possible to change this perspective of looking at things, to realize that what is able to be lost, is really in-fact not real to begin with – and that instead of running around fearing what might be lost, we can instead live and direct points HERE in every breath; because the point to realize is that HERE can’t be lost – we can’t loose ourselves so to speak as we are always undoubtedly HERE (more or less) and thus able to direct what is here.

It’s quite obvious thus, that I must accept and allow myself to fully and completely let go of this want, because it compromises me, as I am within holding unto this want, really placing myself in a experience and position of constant fear – constant tension – constant restlessness – and the solution is thus to embrace physical living fully and completely – to realize that I don’t need these dreams, these wants, these projections, because I am here – thus I simply direct what is here according to what is here – nothing more is really in-fact required – simplicity.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a want and desire to be stimulated and to have a particular response from others wherein I am given a value by others, I am admired by others, I am desired by others, I am wanted by others, I am respected and loved by others; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, and compromise myself in my daily physical living, through holding unto this desire – this want; believing that I must control myself, and tightly hold unto this point within, else I will loose it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I am able to loose is not real to begin with, thus the fact that I fear loosing having a particular response from others, proves that this is not real and that it’s merely a mind-experience that I am searching for, and desiring to have in my life, within the belief that this somehow makes me more then, and give my life some type of meaning or value; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and unconditionally release myself from this self-compromising patterning, realizing that when I let go of want – I will in-fact expand and be able to deal with my life much more effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through holding unto a want of wanting a response from others, as hearing them say that I’ve lived a “good life” – that I’ve “done well” – that I’ve “been effective” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of tightness and fear as attempting and trying to control that I have the future that I desire, as being able to manifest my wants, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my wants are not even real – that they are not practical and physical – that are in-fact unpredictable, uncertain and temporary – as me being able to manifest them implies that I have a short burst of a positive experience and nothing more – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and unconditionally release myself from, and let go of my anxieties, my fears, and therein also my wants and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to live without wants and desires, to realize that I won’t loose myself by letting go of wants and desires – that it’s obvious that life isn’t built up around wants and desires, because these points can only exist in separation from life, in some emotional experience in my mind – in some type of quasi-reality that is only made up out of energy, that feels as if it is real, but looking at it from a physical perspective, it doesn’t in-fact exist; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be fully and wholly physical – to be fully and wholly here in every moment – to push myself to take that breath, and the next breath, and the next breath in full awareness, not accepting and allowing myself to live out a single moment of my existence in my mind – but to instead live HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for the response in others as being seen as famous, as being seen as desirable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my life trying and attempting to reach these experiences, to really, live my life from a starting point of hoping to manifest my self-interest, my hopes, my desires, my wishes, my dreams, instead of pushing myself to live and participate HERE in practical physical reality, wherein I am here, I make my decisions here, I look at what is practical, what is relevant, and what is common sense and live from that starting point – a practical starting point – and not a emotional starting point of looking at life from a experience perspective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I become fearful of not making my exams, is because there is a secret want within me, a secret hope, a secret to have the life of my dreams, as the hope to be recognized, seen, valued and loved – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this state of a constant searching, of a constant attempting and trying to control my future so that it will end up becoming what I hope it will be, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take a breath, and bring myself back here – and realize the life is HERE – reality is HERE – what is of actual value and substance is HERE and it’s waiting for me to make the decision to live and apply myself HERE; as such I commit myself to let go of my mind-based control-living – and instead trust myself that I will direct what comes up here – I will move what comes up here – I will make decisions that are effective according to what comes up here

Self-commitments

When and as I see myself go into tension and fear, as wanting to control my future, as maintaining and attempting to create a future where I manifest my wants, as having a response from others, as others recognizing me, giving me attention, look at me as being effective, and cool, and successful – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this want is limiting me, that I am limiting myself through holding unto control, and that what I am trying to hold unto and create is in-fact merely a illusion, a dream, a hope – and nothing real in-fact; as such I commit myself to let go of all hope, all want, all desire – to let go of my future – and to instead bring my future here – to create it in every moment of breath as an expression of myself – as me moving and directing myself here as the point come up

I commit myself to not want a response from others, as receiving attention and being admired – I commit myself to instead live HERE – to end the want as self-interest and realize that it’s of no worth, value or substance – it’s merely a mind-illusion as entertainment, and it has nothing real to it at all – thus I commit myself to practice and push myself to live completely physical here in every moment – and within that not have a want – but living fully and completely HERE

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