Tag Archives: project

Day 376: Stopping The Roller Coaster At Work

I can understand why there are many that dislikes working. During those eight hours, or more, you are basically forced to do things, move, participate, act, and the primary motivation is survival. Further, at work we have to deal with forced relationships. These are relationships we have not chosen, but that come together with the work. The things mentioned are usually a recipe for inner conflict, dissatisfaction, discomfort, and many other emotional experiences; similar to Job – at the job – most of us have to face some tough shit. Though, during my process of self-purification, I have come to see that work, is really a perfect place for SELF-EXPANSION and SELF-MOVEMENT; because it offers a smorgasbord of various experiences, reactions, misaligned relationships, ripe for changing, for anyone interested in expanding and moving themselves beyond their pre-programmed self.

Hence today, I will revisit one of my more deeply ingrained patterns, that keep recurring, and you guessed right, at work. And it has to do with my relationship with superiors. A couple of weeks ago I was assigned to do a project together with a couple of my colleagues. I felt honored and proud to be selected to work with this project, because it was particularly difficult, and required a specific expertise. For some moments, a couple of days, I was in high spirits. Then, disaster struck, at one point in the project, I was not able to execute the needed actions as well as I felt was needed. I became worried and afraid that my superior would react, and went into a state of self-judgment/fear/anxiety. Thus, I am able to see that in relation to work, and in relation to producing results, I am very much driven/motivated by the perceived reactions of my superiors. If I notice that I get positive feedback, I become energetic, positive, happy, and full of drive. If the opposite happens, I become depressed, fearful, and filled with judgment.

This is not a healthy or sustainable way of relating to work. Why? Because work becomes a roller-coaster, ups and downs, highs and lows, because it is not possible for me to only do things ‘right’, to do the things solely in the way my superiors want it. Self-value, self-respect, motivation, determination, must thus be sourced from a different place – these cannot be words the I rely on my superiors to give to me – rather – I must be them myself – and stand unconditionally.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with either feelings of positiveness, when I feel that I have done something that will please my superior, or with emotions of negativity, when I experience that I have done something that will displease or aggravate my superior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become controlled by fear, and feelings of positiveness, to move myself utilizing these experiences as my motivation, my engine of driving myself forward, instead of sticking with what is practical, easy, what works, and what I can do with the time I have available – and measure my production, my results, not against what my superiors say, but rather against what I myself see for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with fear and desire – to believe, on a deep level within myself, that these are the key experiences that I require to make something out of myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, how I have missed, and devalued, the point of expressing, moving, and creating for and as myself – where it is not about fear of feeling, but about self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete when I am at work, to define my successes, or failures, in relation to how I feel that I am competing against others, as to whether I am better than them, or whether I am less than them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, I can express, move, and be just as effective, when I utilize self-movement, when I move myself physically, and it is not dependent upon someone say to, or telling me that I am better than, or less than anyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value in relation to how well my superiors react to me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression, my response at work to either fear or feeling, instead of simply seeing that my superiors is about him or her, and that I do not need to define myself according to this response, and that I can find my own principles, my own movement, my own direction within life, where it is not dependent upon what someone else things of me, and how someone else reacts to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud, happy, and content when I am selected to do something difficult, and then perceive that my value is higher, more than, better, than what it was before – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my value is the same, and that it does not physically change me that I was selected for this, and obviously it should not change me mentally either, because I am still the same, I am still moving myself, directing myself, within and as the same sort of considerations, it is still about me here – and my expression – and not about what someone else thinks about me and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself that my value is my own to create – that my value is about the value that I give not the perceived value that I receive from my superiors – it is about who I am – what I contribute – that I can see and clarity for myself – that is real value – value that is not defined in the limited contexts of how others react or feel towards me depending on what it is that I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself that it is not about what I do – it is about who I am within what I do – thus it does not matter what project I am selected to do – or who I work with – it is about all about who I am

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a positive experience of pride, feeling appreciated, good about myself, powerful, because I perceive a superior of mine as noticed me, and either commended me, or put me to work on something that I perceive as important, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – how this experience within me does not signify real value, expansion, movement, real worth and progress, it is an experience, something that arise because of a misaligned relationship, and I see that if I participate in it, I will create its opposite polarity; thus I commit myself to breathe – and to remind myself – I do this for and as myself – I determine my own success – my own movement – my own direction – I assess myself and where I am going – and for this – I do not need nor do I require my superiors assessment – I commit myself to take back my own direction through standing with and as myself and being own pillar of support

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of sadness, self-judgment, self-hate, failure, and falling, because I perceive that a superior of mine as judged me, or disliked what I have done, I immediately stop myself, i take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it is not about what my superior experiences – that who I am in relation to what I am doing is something that I determine – is something that I assess – and if I am satisfied with my expression – then I am satisfied – and if I am not – then I am not – and then I will push to improve – however – that has nothing to do with what my superior thinks, feels, or does; thus I commit myself to breathe deeply and release these emotions – and then for myself – look at my expression within what I am doing or have done – and see whether I am content or not – whether there is something I can learn or take with this or not

 


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Day 285: Grounded In My Responsibilities

One thing that I am really good at is being creative, imagining things, experimenting, finding new ways, and finding solutions to problems. It is a skill that I have developed through my life and that has also been inherent since birth – I have always been this way. Now, this skill, of being flexible and fast in my thought processes also has a downside – and this is hence a weakness that I have had through most my life – the ability to remain grounded and steadfast.

An example of how this polarity plays out is the following. During my weekends I have several responsibilities to attend to. Most importantly is cleaning, and then also tending to the chickens at the farm where I live. Though, what tends to happen is that my imagination starts running, and I concoct several other things I would also like to do; projects I would like to complete, things I would like to build, stuff I would like to investigate and research, etc. I then tend to become worked up about my imaginative ideas, which seem to be so much fun, and then my attention/focus go to these. What consequently happens is that I am not sufficiently grounded/stable in my reality, and because of this I forget responsibilities, I down prioritize things that are important and that should be given priority, and I become absent-minded and forgetful.

The problem as such is that I am not enough grounded in my physical body, not sufficiently steadfast in sticking with my responsibilities, which leads to unwanted consequences. Hence, what I want to change with myself is this point of me accepting and allowing myself to become carried away in imaginations and future plans – and replace this tendency of dreaming myself into states of exhilaration with a stability and sense of being grounded in my physical body. In order to be effective in this life I require having a balance – thus it is no solution to be constantly grounded in the physical, and never accept and allow my imagination to run, to see what possibilities there are for expansion and movement, and it is no solution to be constantly imagining new things, starting new projects and not following through on them.

Imagination and inner projection can be useful when they are self-directed, and when they do not get in the way of my responsibilities here in the physical. Thus something that I can practice, is for example, to give myself a moment each day where I ask myself the question: “Okay, what can be improved, what can be expanded, what is it that I can create in my life that would be of benefit?” – and then otherwise throughout my day, as I am tending to my responsibilities, to practice remaining grounded in the physical, and present with what I am doing. That way I will be able to create a balance in my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overly active in my imagination, where I create these grand plans, and projects, and I feel really exhilarated, not seeing, realizing and understanding that when I compromise my already existent responsibilities, projects, and commitments when and as I accept and allow myself to exist in a state of constant projection, imagination, and forward motion towards something different than what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice being grounded and steadfast in my decisions, projects, plans and responsibilities, to push through the temptation of imagining other things I could be doing, or other things I could be experiencing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is for me to embrace repetition, and routine, and understand that these words are an important part of creation in this physical reality – that to build and create something – one have to walk the same or similar actions many times over until the point that one wants to create stands here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that being grounded here in the physical in itself offers opportunities of discovery, and adventure, where I can for example notice new things, or develop my skills in what I am doing in that moment, become more specific, and expand myself in someway or another, which I would not have been able to do if I instead was in my mind dreaming – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as a physical being – understanding that exhilaration, adventure and excitement are words that I can live within exploring and walking this physical reality here – and that I do not need my mind to stand as and walk my life within and as these words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to dreaming and imagination, and believe that this is the only way I can experience exhilaration, and excitement – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not experiment with living excitement and exhilaration in my physical reality with my physical body – to see how it is that I can experience these words for real and not just as energy in my mind

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into imagination, projections, and a inner excitement, exaltation, because I can create things in my mind, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow myself to venture into the realm of imagination, I forget what is here, and I do not pay sufficient, and enough attention to what I am doing here in the physical, which leads to me compromising responsibilities, and commitments – and thus I commit myself to remain grounded, physical and steadfast when I am walking through my day – to practice walking with one feet in-front of the other and being aware of every step and movement that I make

I commit myself to take time each day to sit down and look at what I can do with my life, with myself, and the resources I have at my disposal, to as such, each day push myself to expand, and see where I am able to create and expand myself and my reality – and hence I commit myself to direct this process of imagination and inner creation – and thus not accept and allow it to simply happen now and again – when I am not in control – and not specific about what I am doing in my mind

I commit myself to create a balance between imagination/projection/creating my future – and living HERE in the physical – understanding that when I accept and allow myself to venture into imagination-mode while I am doing things here in the physical, I will compromise myself and the moment that I am walking, because my focus and attention will be elsewhere – and hence I commit myself to be specific within myself when I accept and allow myself to go into ‘future-creation’ mode – to create it within myself as a decision and do this in moments when I am not compromising my relationship with this physical world

Day 126: I Have Been Wasting My Time

“I have been wasting my time” – this is an interesting statement and something that have come up within me recently. The context was as follows:

Wasting-TimeAn opportunity opened up in my world to walk a particular point, I took it on and walked it, placed much time and effort into the point, and made sure that it was walked effectively, specifically, and that the final product would be to my satisfaction. Then, quite unexpectedly, the point that I had been walking wasn’t anymore heremeaning – that the initial points that the decision was based upon wasn’t anymore here – and thus – the opportunity wasn’t anymore relevant from the perspective that it didn’t anymore fit into the structure of my world.

So, here initially, I looked at the point with a sense of disappointment, as I thought that I had placed so much time and effort into this point, and now it’s just gone – I have wasted all my time! I could’ve done something else that would have had more effective results – where my efforts would’ve actually payed off. Though, after this initial reaction, I started to reflect upon this statement of “I have been wasting my time” more deeply – and looked into whether it was in-fact valid or not – had I really been wasting my time?

I discussed the point with my partner, and in doing this I could see that part of my definition and idea of ‘wasting time’ – was in-fact – ‘wasting money’ – wherein I equaled time with money – and defined whether something had been a waste or not upon the basis of whether I had acquired and gained a proportionally adequate amount of money in relation to the efforts that I had made. Though, when I saw this, I could immediately see that this definition and understanding of wasting time wasn’t clear – it was not effective and not aligned with self, process and physical living – because what was obvious to me – was that even though I had spent a lot of time creating something that in the end didn’t come to what I initially projected – the time had not been wasted – because I had actually discovered some things about myself in the process, as well as gained some interesting insights into the functionality of the mind, and the world system – thus – I hadn’t actually wasted my time.

I then asked myself, but if I didn’t waste my time during this project, what is then the actuality of wasting time? What does it mean to waste time for real?

In asking this question I could see that wasting time is not so much about what I do – it’s rather about WHO I AM – and the determining factor of whether I am wasting my time or not – is whether I am wasting myself or not. But what does it then mean to waste myself?

Well, as I see it, wasting myself is something that I do when I am not fully immersed in the physical participatory process of LIVINGBREATHING – and moving myself HERE within and as the physical – because depending on WHO I AM – life and living can be diametrically different even though I am walking one and the same point.

To exemplify: let’s say that I am working as a cleaner, and in scenario 1, I am looking at this job from within and as the mentality that it’s boring, it’s tedious, it’s a low paid job, and I shouldn’t really be doing it – it’s a waste of my time. Participating in the job from this starting point, what am I then creating? Well, I am creating exactly that which I expect; I create equal and one to my starting point – and thus my job as a cleaner will be what I make it to be – it will be boring, I will not expand, it will just be a waste of time – and something that I do because I have to.

Then, let’s compare this with scenario 2, in which I have the same job, but in this scenario, I do not have any experience towards my job, in-fact I realize that I have a tendency, to as I do my cleaning, I escape into my thoughts, and I see that I am not very present with the process of cleaning, which makes me miss points, miss dirt, and not clean very effectively – and in seeing this – I decide to expand myself, and practice presence, and practice being aware of my environment, and being specific and diligent with my cleaning, so that I perfect the skill of cleaning, and in the process learn how my body functions, and how postures, and movements effect my body, my muscles, and my general experience of myself. Look at this scenario, I am doing the exact same thing as in scenario 1, though in scenario 2, I am in-fact expanding myself in the process of cleaning, I am developing skills that will be able to assist and support me in all aspects of my life, and I am in-fact growing, and walking a real-time process of education – which is something that I will bring with me for the rest of my life in this world.

Thus, from this comparison, it’s quite easy to see what is an actual waste of time – an actual waste of time is to not be HERE with myself, and take what is here for granted, and refuse to see that in every moment, in every situation, in every breath, there is a process of growth I can take on and walk, there is a skill I can develop, there is a insight I can gain – though – it’s all up to me and who I am. As such, wasting time for real is not about money, or what I am doing, it’s about WHO I AM within what I am doing – and when I do something in presence, in awareness, and I immerse myself within it fully, completely, walking it with the physical equal and one – then I am in-fact not wasting my time – then I am walking in REAL TIME – which is really the absolute and optimum use of time – to be here with myself and constantly bring myself back here – to walk the process of birthing myself as life from the physical – which is a process of developing effective life skills – and this is not something that is limited to a certain environment, situation, or time – it’s something that I decide to walk.

Thus, the common denominator is always – SELF – and when I make sure that I do not take myself for granted – but that every breath, and every moment is something that I cherish and walk fully – then it’s impossible to waste time – wasting time is thus something that I decide to do or not to do – and in this am as such fully responsible.

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