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Day 343: Taking Charge of Work

It is not necessarily fun or enjoyable to work. In a very real sense, we are slaves to money, and we must work if we wish to survive. From that perspective, work is simply something we must do in order to get to and have time for the good things in life. Usually, the good things would be hobbies, family, friends, partying, traveling, and similar things. However, if we look at the time spent in the various compartments/dimensions of our lives, work is definitely one of the things we do the most. The majority of people spend their entire lives working, and have only a small amount of time left each day to spend on themselves. And when this is the case, it does not make sense to look and relate to work as something we have to get by and move past with as little involvement as possible – because – if we do – we will MISS OUT.

Work, even though we have to do it, it can become a rewarding, challenging and fascinating experience. What I have seen since opening this point up is that when we react to, and define work as only that ‘thing we just have to get through’ – we miss the countless of dimensions that exists within work where we are able to improve and expand. And it does not necessarily have to be about the work, meaning the physical action or actions we are involved within that defines our work. Instead, the the point of expansion can be found in unpredictable places and towards things that we would normally not pay any attention to.

For example, for me, what initially opened up as a challenge, and point within which I could expand, was living the word thorough. And this is because, in my line of work, being thorough is very important – and if one point is missed – this can have big repercussions. When I had mastered thoroughness, what opened up for me was balance, from the perspective that in order for me to be the best me, I had to develop and maintain a balance between leisure time, and time spent working. Recently, what has come up has been the word structure, which I am practicing through making daily to-do lists, following and developing effective routines, and before I begin with something, to slow down, and look at how I can approach the task in the best manner possible.

Though, what I mentioned above, that is only the bigger processes that I have walked. I have also worked with experiences in relation to colleagues, the pressures related to work, expectations that I have placed on myself, desires, inferiority, and more. What I want to say is that, if we are open to changing and developing ourselves to reach and stand as our utmost potential, work is a supreme location to be at – it is where we want to be – because we will face life straight head on – and it is in that face-to-face contact – that we have the opportunity to live – design – and create ourselves.

Instead of reacting to work, we should actively ask ourselves, what is it that I can do expand myself when I am working? Where can I push myself? Where can I develop myself? What can I learn from my colleagues? Where are my weaknesses and how can I turn them into strengths, and how am I able to strengthen my strengths even further?

Seen this way, working becomes something more, it becomes a place of creation, and not merely that place where you go to earn money, to afterwards go home, and only then do what you enjoy to do. Really, we should not have any separation in our lives, where we see one part of our existence as a prison where we cannot do anything but wait till we are released, and another part as our personal heaven where we want to spend every single minute. Regardless of where we are at, we have an opportunity to expand, create, move, and go beyond our limitations. And that must always be a part of our awareness. Hence it should not be our environment that creates us, we should do that, with our decisions, and the words we live.


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Day 342: Creating Expansion, Movement and Challenges

A year ago I finished my education and some months thereafter I began my first job. I have now worked at this job for about a year, and up until some months ago, I found most of the activities within my job refreshing and enjoyable. Most of the things were new to me, and hence I was challenged daily, which I loved. I had to really push, and exert myself to learn and expand. Then without much warning, I was through the difficult times. I had learned the basics of the job, and I was moving myself quite effortlessly within my responsibilities.

What then opened up was an experience of boredom. I could see that I was plateauing in my growth process, however, I did not see that as my responsibility. I thought that the fault was in my job, and that I had now learned the basics of my position, and that there was thus nothing in it for me any longer. What started to come through more and more was emotions; blame, depression, tiredness, apathy and listlessness. I did not see the enjoyment in my work anymore, because the challenge was gone.

Looking back at my life, I have had a tendency of taking on a new craft or skill, pushing myself diligently to learn and master it, and then, when I started to feel as if I was plateauing, I would give up and move unto something different. The consequence of this behavior was that I did not learn something in depth – I was a jack of all trades, yet master of none. This is similar to what I have been going through recently, where my job is no longer a novelty and does not supply me with challenges, difficulties, and points to overcome. It has become a job, something I know, and have to do, and nothing more.

Now, when I look at this point, one thing that stands out is how I have approached tasks, projects, skills, and also work, within a form of laziness. Not laziness from the perspective that I  compromised my work, though laziness in the sense that I expected and wanted my work or the project to give me a challenge. Inside my mind, I viewed the point I was walking into as a ‘fun house’ that was supposed to refresh and charge me up – however when the novelty disappeared – that did not happen anymore. Hence, I was lazy from the perspective that I expected to be moved, to be inspired, to be stimulated, to be pushed, and I did not approach to point from the starting point of ME standing the point of taking responsibility for myself, that I would challenge myself, that I would push myself, that I would find ways and seek new venues and expressions, so that I could move and further myself within the particular skill/ability/project/work.

The problem thus has never been, with reference to this instance, my work – no – it has always been my relationship to work, how I decided to approach and look at work. Challenge, novelty, movement, expansion, and pushing myself, I should never have expected that my work would give that to me. Obviously, when something is new, it will for a moment be challenging, however, when that honeymoon phase is past, I must take responsibility to push myself, and expand myself within my profession. At that point I cannot rely upon my work doing anything for me. Instead, I must take matter into my own hands and actively look at where I am able to learn more, where I am able to expand, where I can push and enhance myself, and where I am able to further my expression.

It is fascinating thus to see, that so far, the technique that I have used to challenge myself, has been to look up and try to place myself in challenging environments, through changing jobs, changing education, or committing myself to a new hobby. Even though this has supported me and spiced things up, it has also been a limitation, as I have not taken the responsibility, taken matter into my own hands, and really, diligently pushed myself to expand where I was at.

And another thing to take into consideration is that I can only become really good at something, if I do it several times. If I only skim the surface, how can I then ever become an expert in my field? It is not possible. In-fact, it is not the routine and repetition in itself that has been bothering me, the big problem is that I react to routine and repetition and believe myself to be limited and contained. Though, this is not true, even though there might be routine and repetition in my life, there is always room to expand, explore, push, improve and move further.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my job will reinvent itself, and stimulate me, and that my job is going to make my life enjoyable, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I am not able to rely upon my job, that I am not able to blame my job when I feel that I am stuck in a rut, without expanding or improving – and in-fact – the real problem is that I have not taken self-direction in my relationship with work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be stimulated instead of taking self-responsibility and looking at how I am able to stimulate myself within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be stimulated – and thus not push and drive myself to expand – to look at how I am able to empower myself – strengthen myself – push myself – and will myself to become more effective within what I am doing – and thus I commit myself to each day – look at how I can expand – to never be satisfied with where I am at – but constantly push myself to reach new heights of expression and direction – to not be satisfied with being ‘good’ at something – but push myself to become excellent within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to reach excellency – to use that as a motivation regardless of where I am at – to not accept and allow myself to be satisfied with mediocrity – to be average – to know something quite well – and quite effective – but to push myself to become an expert within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I plateau – this is when I must push myself – to look for ways in which I am able to expand and enhance myself – to look for ways in which I am able to acquire further skills – abilities – and strengths – to look at my life and critically examine it – to see if and whether I am able to do more – to see whether I am able to acquire and expand myself within some area of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame work as boring when I know it effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that work should stimulate me – instead of me taking self-responsibility and making sure that I stand as the point of stimulation – that I stand as the point of self-responsibility – that I stand as the point of pushing myself forward – placing no limits on myself – and looking at how and where I am able to expand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop a passion for life – in the sense of always looking at how I am able to expand and move myself forward to the next stage of development

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop and push myself to create a passion for expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reach and build a life where I am satisfied – not seeing, realizing and understanding, that satisfaction, oftentimes goes hand in hand with complacency – where we become lazy, and stop the process of exploration and movement that we would otherwise walk – and thus I commit myself to embrace dissatisfaction – to use it as a motivation to empower and move myself – to use it as a motivation to enhance myself – and bring myself to the next level of development

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that nothing is going to come by itself – that nothing is going to happen by itself – and that if I want challenges in my life – then I must actively pursue and create them – I must actively look at how I am able to make my life challenging – through for example – in my work – looking at how I am able to expand my understanding of work – of how I am able to take on more tasks and responsibilities at work – of looking at how I am able to really expand and become effective at my work

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself blaming my world, my reality, for being boring, not challenging, routine and repetition with no movement, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I stop – and I see, realize and understand, that for movement, change and expansion to happen, I must move myself, I must push myself, I cannot expect that things will simply happen by themselves, as they will not – and thus I commit myself to be on my toes – and to continuously be on the look out for how I am able to change myself – push and expand myself – and reach the next stage of development and expression

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for making my life challenging, expansive, fulfilling, and enjoyable – through not expecting to be stimulated – but rather – pushing and willing myself to improve and expand – constantly being on the look out for opportunities – and seizing the opportunities when they arise


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Day 306: The Potential I See

When I first found Desteni and was introduced to the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements, I clearly saw within me a potential. I saw a potential of me expanding, growing, and finally being able to release my emotional burdens, and instead focus my attention on creating a fulfilling life for myself. Eight years later, I can look back and conclude that in many ways, I have succeeded. I am a new person – more vibrant, excited, fulfilled and thriving – there is a purpose to my life – where I wake up each day and see the potential to create, enhance, and expand. My life is not anymore about feelings and emotions, experiences, and inner struggles, it is about living and self-creation.

This potential that I saw in myself back then, I see it in everyone. We all have a potential to become remarkable and extraordinary – however – without nurturing, pushing, and investing oneself into the process of realizing that potential – nothing will happen. Hence, we will only ever be as great as we accept and allow ourselves to be – one and equal.

What I see is that all human beings have a talent, some form of skill, a ability, we all have something that is uniquely our own that we are able to contribute to this world. Unfortunately, very few tap into this potential, and some never even get to see that they do have such a strength – mostly because we have not been shown how to see ourselves, or how to be intimate with ourselves. And in order to see our gift, and where we can stand in this lifetime to make an impact, we must get to know ourselves. Thus, this is why the process of Desteni is so important. Because with the tools of Desteni we are offered a way out of our confusion so that we can see ourselves with clarity.

For instance, with myself, before I found and began to apply the tools of Desteni, I was very much a lost soul. I did not know where to go or what to do with myself. I traveled places, did some odd jobs, floated around trying to fulfill the dream of becoming a musician, while all the while, not ever knowing myself and my strengths and aptitudes. My life was without direction – and the principle from which I walked my life was that of searching for and attempting to experience excitement, liveliness, and fulfilling my desires. It was all about the experience, and naturally, that lead me to consistently take the route of least resistance. Though I saw a potential in me to become stable, mature, moving myself with purpose, resolve and determination – and through using the tools of Desteni – I was able to realize that potential and make it a reality for myself – and express that change in my choice of career and everyday life.

I see the same potential for this world – I see how what is now soulless jobs, things that people do only to survive, can change and become careers, ways in which we CARE for this world and means through which we share our own individual gifts to make this world a better place.

I see how the family, that is currently a place of conflict, can become a foundation of support for each individual in this world, where you as a child, is born and nurtured to become the best that you can be; where you are given the best education, the best health-care, the best role-models, and the best financial opportunities.

I see how our judicial and political systems, that are currently a means to further the self-interest of but a few, can become institutions that work and push to develop society to become even better – and how laws can be created to support LIFE – expansion – fulfillment – and become the basis of heaven on earth.

I see how media can change, and instead of being a place of gossip and distribution of opinionated ideas, become a place of learning and expansion – and how we will be able to see other cultures, get in touch with new perspectives, become exposed to different forms of vocabulary, and how we in that can develop and grow as human beings.

What I find so fascinating about this is that in all of these potentials, the common denominator is SELF – the INDIVIDUAL – and hence – in order for our systems to change – we must change. In order for politics, and law to change, WE must change. In order for career, and jobs to change, WE must change – and instead of believing that we are trapped by the systems that are here now – we must understand that it is not about where we are, or what we do, it is about WHO we are in what we do. It is about WHO we decide to be in the small moments in life; do we stand up for LIFE or do we accept and allow ourselves to remain in old cycles of polarity – going back and forth in our minds missing the LIFE that is HERE in-front of us – the LIFE that we must take in our hands and CREATE – WALK WITH – and STAND WITH.

This has always been the problem – we as individuals must change – we must become the principle we want to see emerge in this world – we must become the second coming that we have been waiting for.

Hence – the potential we see in this world – that is possible – we can create it. Though in order to get there – we must take into account that this world and all its system exists out of individuals – and hence – when the individual change – the system change. Accordingly – changing the system goes hand in hand with changing yourself to be the best version of yourself that you can be – Realizing the Potential of Yourself.

Day 291: Self-forgiveness on Stress and Work Related Fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become worked up by my office environment – to work myself up into a state of ‘working frenzy’ where I drive myself forward utilizing fear and anxiety – and where I create this state of adrenaline in my body – where I am on a high and I cannot come down to earth – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not come down to earth – down to my physical body – down back here to what is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become taken for a ride when I am at work in the stress and fear energy that I feel resides in the work environment – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist in a state of stress and pressure where I feel constantly pushed to move myself in a state of stress and fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself into this state of anxiety and stress – where I am not grounded – and I do not work and apply myself from a grounded starting point but instead exist in my mind in a state of adrenaline and stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pump myself up into a state of adrenaline when I go to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pump myself up into a state of survival when and as I go to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pump myself up into a state of adrenaline and anxiety and stress when I am working – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate working with stress and anxiety – to associate coming to work and applying myself in work with stress and anxiety – and feel that I am competing with others about being the best that I can be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself into working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate working with stress – and associate waking up on a weekday with stress – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I cannot stop, change and direct this experience within me of being stressful and tense when it comes to working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to in real time moments change my way of working – from stress – to instead working here in the physical – being effective and moving myself in breath – one moment at a time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself in real time moments to change myself – re-directing my stress and living instead self-directed, effective, movement – taking a breath – and standing effective efficacious here – taking the role of my own directive principle – and thus stating within me that stress and fear is no longer needed cause I take responsibility for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up when I am working – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not continuously remind myself that I am more effective when I work in breath – when I work with the physical – when I work and apply myself here and do not accept and allow myself to stress myself in my work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tense when I am interacting at my work – and be fearful of my colleagues – and fearful that they think I am not working hard enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful that my boss thinks that I am not working hard enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful that my boss thinks that I am a bad worker and that I produce bad results

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my own survival – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself forward in a state of fear and anxiety – believing that this will assure my survival and make certain that I am not going to lose myself in life in a state of poverty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use stress and fear to impress on my colleagues – and use stress, fear and adrenaline to push myself forward in work – believing that I cannot walk/push myself in work without such chemicals in my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to have chemicals in my body to push myself to do anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to feel a drive to be driven – that I need to feel motivated to be motivated – that I need to feel an urge to move – to move – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as these words by my own decision and choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am charging, and creating this state of adrenaline throughout my day, through participating and moving myself from within and as a stress and fear energy, moving myself from within and as a state of anxiety, instead of moving myself from within and as a physical decision here to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my co-workers, and blame my co-workers for me experiencing and moving myself within and as a state of stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my co-workers for me feeling stressed, thinking that is their making, and if they would relax more, then I would too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must make the decision to stand, the decision to not move myself from this stress energy, the decision to not become influenced, and go into that state of fear that is permeating any form of office

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of stress and fear in believing that I will not be as effective in my work if I do not participate in stress and fear

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself work without stress and fear driving me – and I commit myself to replace my drive with a the desire to expand, improve and become more efficient at what I am doing

I commit myself to remind myself that I am more effective when I do not stress and fear

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to be captivated and entranced by the ‘feel’ at work of stress and anxiety

I commit myself to make a stand within myself and in that decide that I am going to walk my day at the office within and as groundedness and stability – and that I am not going to participate within and as stress

When and as I see myself becoming stress, or building up a charge of adrenaline, I stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am creating this state through thinking, through participating in the experiences coming up, and that require to in that moment in a direct manner, push through that possession and ground myself back into my physical body – and thus I commit myself to push and will myself through that experience – to be intense in that pushing through – and reground and earth myself here – and apply/work/participate from within and as that state of being grounded – here

Day 283: I Do More Than You!

Living on a farm implies taking care of stuff, and if you live on a farm that accommodates animals, taking care of stuff, implies taking care of animals. This is that situation that I am in at the moment, living on a farm with animals, and having responsibilities to tend to the animals.

However, in my situation there are some unusual variables to take into account. The animals, chickens in this case, are not legally ‘owned’ by me and another person has the more dominant, ‘ownership’ role in relation to the chickens. My responsibility to tend to the chickens was initially someone else’s idea, and the plan was that two persons were to clean the chicken coupe each weekend. These variables are important to consider, as they are an important of the reactions that have come up within me in relation to this responsibility.

So, as for the reactions, I have had thought of seeing myself as being jailed and used as a chicken caretaker, because recently, due to various reasons, I have had to clean the chicken coupe by myself, and still, I do not feel as if I am given any influence and power of the chickens as a ‘owner’ – and hence the backchat have come up: ‘I am the one doing all the work, yet I get nothing in return, people are just using me, I should not stand for this!’ – ‘I do not get anything out of this, why should I have to care for the chickens?’. Now, the emotional experience is unfairness, and resentment, and on a deeper level, it is all blame.

However, as I have walked this point, and become aware of these reactions, I have started to question this unfairness, and the concept of ‘ownership’ and ‘control’ – and why there must be an aspect of remuneration involved for something to feel as if it is ‘worth it’. As children, we were part of numerous projects, and responsibilities, yet seldom was there are sense of having to claim ownership and gain a form of reward because of our participation. It was a lot more natural to give, and receive, without thinking about who is getting more, who is gaining, who is loosing, etc.

I looked at the point today, and I realized that there are many people benefitting from the chickens that I care for. This benefit has no monetary implications for me; there are no rewards, though I can see, that what I do gives people nourishing and healthy eggs. Further, I take pressure of the actual owner of the chickens, as she does not have to give as much time and energy into caring for them. Moreover, it is actually supportive for me on a physical level to be outside, breathe some fresh air, and move my physical body around.

Hence, what I can see is that there are many positive effects flowing from my participation. And the experience I have of unfairness, well, it is just that, an experience, and it has no physical standing – because what does unfair really mean? That it feels as if everything is not equal for everyone? Why should it be exactly the same for everyone? We all have different schedules, different preferences, and different lives; hence, it is obvious that all things cannot be exactly the same for everyone.

Instead of looking at the experience of unfairness, what I should instead look at is physical, practical, cons that flow from this current setup. And here I can only see one, that I loose time. But time is something I do have, and caring for the chickens’ causes no buildup of pressure, and time constraint in my life – I have the opportunity to clean the chicken coupe without detrimental effects. And that means, that the only negative of this setup, is that it feels unfair, and as if I am being used – there is actually no real physical con.

This is a cool example of how something that feels like a big problem, in reality is no problem – and how it is easy to be fooled by the emotions of the mind when making decisions – believing that only because there is a emotion coming up, and this emotion is very intense, that it must mean that what the emotion is conveying is correct. A rule of thumb should thus be to wait with making any decisions until all emotions have been cleared – and the real, physical pros and cons of the decision have been established.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am facing a conflict within me, to place my focus on what I feel, instead of looking at the practical pros and cons of the situation, to look at what is a problem here in this physical reality, and not on what I feel is a problem in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that unfairness, and something not being just, are not acceptable reasons for deciding to not do something, because unfairness and injustice, both of these points are mental, meaning that they exist separately from this physical reality, and have no connection to what is needed, and what is best on a physical level – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain in the physical through looking at the physical pros and cons of a particular decision that I am facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to clean the chicken coupe even though I do not own the chickens, and I do not get to take part of all the perks of being the owner of the chickens, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the idea/experience of ownership, and control, and make that point more relevant, and prevalent in my mind, than looking at what the actual benefits are of my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with and as backchat of how I feel that I am being used for the benefit of someone else, and that I am not getting to, or receiving all the perks that I see/feel someone else is, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus and attention on this point of unfairness, and enlarge it in my mind, to such an extent that I cannot anymore see the benefits flowing from the point, and where it is all about how I feel that it is unfair, how I feel that it is not equal, and that it is not good, and that it should be different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be content with assisting and supporting a point in my life because I see that it is of benefit to others, and understanding that I do not need some form of leadership position, I do not need some form of special position, I do not need all the perks, what I require is that the physical pros of a point exceeds the cons, because when that is the case, it is best for all the apply myself in relation to the point, and when something is best for all, that is all the reason I need to get going

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that the solution is, to instead of thinking about, looking at whether the point is fair or not, to look at whether the point is best for all or not, because when a point is best for all, benefitting me as well as others, well, then there is no reason why I shouldn’t push myself and walk the point, and then it doesn’t matter who is in charge, who owns what, and what is where, because the point I am participating within will have a positive outflow effect unto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what it means to participate and live this life without ego, to be able to walk in this world and look at all points from a starting point of seeing whether it is best for all or not, and acting according to that, hence, not looking at points from within the question: ‘Does this serve me?’ – or – ‘Is this fair/just?’ – rather from the question: ‘Does this point support life’? – and if it does – there is sufficient reason to walk the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this not see, realize and understand, that when unfairness comes up within me, it is an indication that I have not yet established clearly my starting point, and that I have not yet looked at, considered whether the point that is before me is best for all, and whether there is as such a benefit in my walking/taking the point on – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not broaden my view, and way of looking at my life, and the points I participate within, to ask myself, is this best for all, does this support life, and is this supportive for me? And on the basis of the answer I receive on this question – ACT and move myself

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling that something is unjust, because I have to help with something, or do more than another, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this unfairness exists within me because I have not yet established how I am in relation to the point that I am facing, I have not yet discerned where I stand, and thus I commit myself to ask, what the pros and cons of the point are, and if the pros outweigh the cons, to then make the decision to participate in the point, and do so unconditionally, because I see that it is best for all – and in this understand that unfairness is a limited concept not taking into account that what is best for all does not need to be fair or just

When and as I see that am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling like I have to do more than another, while it is another that gets the most out of it, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this experience is mental, that it is a concept based on a mental picture of my life, and not on the actual physical practicalities of my life, and thus I commit myself to bring myself back to what is practical, through asking myself: ‘Okay, what are the pros and cons of this point?’ – and within this look at whether the point is best for all – and in this I commit myself – to if the point is what is best for all – and I have the possibility to walk the point – to do it – and walk it unconditionally with no ego – instead understanding that I am contributing to what is best for all and within that need fairness, justice, or sameness is required

Day 275: Paranoia – The Fear of Forgetting Things

forgetting-thingsParanoia when it comes to forgetting and missing things, that is a point that has been recurring for me recently. In my line of work, it is all about the details, and here I am not exaggerating – it is ALL about the details. Hence it is different from ‘normal’ life in the sense that, when in your normal day-to-day living, you do not necessarily have to be very focused, specific or thorough. You can get by in a state of half-awareness; do things sloppily, and half-assed – your life will still work out quite okay.

However, in my line of work, you cannot do that. This has thus been a big change for me. The way I have handled this is through paranoia, were I have basically utilized fear/anxiety to drive me to constantly check if I have forgotten something. This is not effective for several reasons, though primarily; it is not effective because I go into a emotional state, thus investing energy in being emotional, forgetting my physical living/application HERE. And also, existing in a state of paranoia makes me mentally unstable, were I am not effective/specific when it comes to directing my life, and making decisions – because what takes precedence is the experience – not my actual physical movement and participation HERE.

I have looked at solutions and found that to support myself to become more thorough, detailed and specific, and not miss details that must be remembered, I am able to: 1) Establish systems and routines for certain points in my work 2) Use stickers, notes and a calendar to keep track of times and what must be done at what time 3) Be FULLY HERE, AWARE and FOCUSED when I apply myself in my job, so that I am certain that I actually walked all the points required.

Another aspect of this paranoia is that it only comes up in relation to work/career. Fact is that I am not particularly good at remembering things, being specific, thorough and detailed outside of the office, however, because there is no money at stake in my leisure time, I do not care as much. Thus, this shows me that the real, underlying core fear is that of survival and money. I fear losing money, I fear not being able to survive, and that is the driving force. This is also interesting, that I require having money, and a fear of survival to drive me to develop skills such as thoroughness, being specific and detailed.

Another aspect of having fear of survival and money as my current motivation is that I do not approach my work in a supportive manner – because if would be no fear, what come through is a curiosity, and a desire to expand and learn – a desire to become more effective at what I am doing. Then there is no fear involved, instead it is a genuine interest to empower myself and become the best that I can be that drives me forward – and that is obviously a far more potent and healthy source of motivation than fear and stress. When I motivate myself because I want to improve, then there is no fear or anxiety that preoccupies me, instead I am clear, physical, stable – moving myself in every breath to become the best that I can be.

Hence, it is clear, that this paranoia, and fear is something that I can replace with a genuine drive and care to improve and expand myself – both in my work and home environment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my starting point in relation to work, so that instead of being fear driven, I drive myself forward from within and as the desire to improve myself, to become better and more effective, to enhance myself, and to empower myself in learning more skills and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish systems and routines to make sure that I do not forget anything when it comes to preparing myself and working through my responsibilities and commitments in relation to work and home life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that paranoia is a outflow consequence of me not being present – directive and aware – and certain in what I am doing – and that there as such is room for me to improve – so that I become thorough and specific in all and everything that I take on and walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all reactions of the mind have their gifts – that there is something that I can learn and take with me to expand and empower myself – and with paranoia and this process in my work – it is that I can learn to be more specific, thorough and focused – and create these skills within me – and learn how to be prepared and certain on who I am in relation to the points in my life that I have taken responsibility for

Self-commitment statements

When and as I notice myself wanting to go into a state of fear/paranoia, that I have forgotten or missed something, I take a breath, I stop, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these experiences cannot help me in my line of work, that I will not empower myself through giving into these experiences, and that instead, I can only empower and truly create myself through physically living, and building myself as words – and thus I commit myself to live specificity within me – through double checking the informationseeing whether I have forgotten anything – and then let it go if I reach the conclusion that no I haven’t forgotten anything

I commit myself to practice using routines and systems to make sure that I do not jump a step in my work – and that I walk all the necessary steps required in relation to my work responsibilities

I commit myself to practice being thorough and slowing myself down when working with my responsibilities – to make sure that I do not miss a step

I commit myself to have my starting point and motivation be that of me wanting to expand and improve myself and become the best that I can be in relation to my work – and thus I commit myself to stop fear and instead use my desire to improve and grow as the WHY of my movement forward

Day 219: Programmed to be indecisive

Indecision – indecision – indecision – that’s my word of the day and consequently this blog will be dedicated to opening up this point – so far I’ve been quite hard on myself for over and over again going into a state of being indecisive, pulling back on decisions, changing decisions, not following through on decisions – and being generally irresolute in my stance with regards to certain particular points in my life – one of those being MY PURPOSE – that other being CAREER – both are points that I’ve struggled with – not so much because I’ve had a lack of ideas as to what I am going to do – rather because I’ve gone back and forth – not ever feeling very self-assured in the point that I decided to walk.

So, today I found one of those fascinating things and this assisted and supported me to open up this point – and that is a zodiac birth chart – the science of the horoscope – and what really blew my mind was how specific the readings were from these charts. Some of my most idiosyncratic behavior traits were described and laid out clearly – and I’m going to make a couple of quotes from the text here.

“Weaknesses: a changeable and diffuse nature. Wastes energy by doing too many things. He lacks persistence in achieving set goals.”

“Many people with this position of the Sun have gained quite a bit of knowledge in their lifetimes, but they don’t often possess specialized knowledge. This is because Geminis have relatively short attention spans. Restlessness is especially common with this position of the Sun.”

“Weaknesses: lack of follow-up of ideas, indecision, goes back on decisions.”

So – obviously I’m able to see that this fits too well in on my character – especially the point of dipping my toes in too many points, going for too many adventures, trying to walk too many dimensions – which creates this experience of me being scattered, and all over the place – consequently not ever getting to a deeper knowledge and understanding in anything that I do.

Thus – a point that I see that I must practice for myself is to be more decisive, and structured – to create a life-path for myself that is more condensed and concentrated – to rather place my focus and attention on a couple of things and do them effectively – than to spread my attention all over the place and waste myself in trying to do it all – which is a tendency that I’ve seen coming through in many ways.

Particularly during my teenage years and early twenties I would move from point, to point, always trying to find and do something new – studying law and remaining with this topic is actually one of the first things that I’ve stuck with for an extended period of time. Usually I would be moving to yet another interest at this point – though I won’t accept and allow myself to do that this time – instead I will specify my decisions – and make sure that I’m clear on my purpose – and that I place my time into a couple of points – and that I walk them effectively and specifically.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be indecisive – and irresolute with regards to decisions that I make – and plans for my future – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shift easily – to move into another direction in a heartbeat – and to have difficulty remaining with one point – and walking with one point – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can change this point through practicing sticking with my decisions – walking my plans – and being patient and persistent in my daily application – and condensing my activities and pastimes to not be so overzealous and all over the place – but rather practical, realistic and effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I dip my toes in too many things, too many ventures, too many directions – I’m going to cause myself to do all of them rather badly – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and calm myself down when I notice I go into a high – of looking at various prospects and future potentials – as to where I could go – and instead stick with my plan – stick with my decision – stick with the path that I’ve laid out for myself – and walk it – and only change it when I notice that it isn’t practical or effective anymore – thus become more stable in my daily living and application and stop wondering around in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately push myself to make my life more condensed and concentrated – and to realize that when I put my time into a few points – but I walk those points effectively – I will be able to get more out of them – and I will be able to give more to others – and I will be able to produce effective results that can’t come when I become scattered and distracted and move myself in all kinds of directions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not condense and sectionalize my life – to place down on a paper before myself the points that I am walking and directing myself within – to place down on a paper where it is that I’d like to go with each of these points – what it is that I’d like to create – and within this remain realistic and not take on too much – not try to do too many things – but instead remain practical – remain with my breath and my human physical body – and dare to live a condensed and concentrated lifestyle that is grounded – where I place my time into a few things – yet I do these few things effectively and specifically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to stabilize myself and my life I require to discipline myself to be more grounded – because I’ve an pre-programmed inclination to be indecisive, to be scatted and diffuse, and to move from point to point – and thus to assist and support myself – I require to deliberately make my life condensed and concentrated and grounded into practical living applications – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to make commitments to walk and give my attention to certain points and aspects in my life – and in that have the courage to walk through the fear of missing out on other points in my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into and as a state of indecision, and wanting to fall back on a decision, and a plan that I’ve made for myself, that I see is effective, and that will work for me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this is my pre-programming attempting to take me for a ride and veer my off path – and thus I commit myself to in that moment breath through the fear of missing out, and the feeling energy of excitement, and exuberance, that comes with fantasizing and creating a new future – and ground myself – through speaking with myself the plans and decisions I’ve made for myself – the focal points I’ve determined for myself in my life – and continue to walk this – and ground into and become comfortable with routine and consistency and sticking with my guns