Tag Archives: relationship

Day 373: Structure vs. Spontaneity

Being in a long term relationship can be really challenging and it can also be absolutely fantastic. One key ingredient in moving a relationship towards success is understanding the difference between the male and the female psyche. Many conflicts between partners arise due to not taking into account some of the basic female/male designs. Instead of considering the differences and learning from each-other – what tends to happen is misunderstanding, impatience and judgment.

An example is structure vs. spontaneity. Generally speaking, males tend to be more inclined to make decisions and move themselves with little planning. Decisions are made on the go, solutions are improvised, and changes are applied without much preparation. Women on the other hand, generally speaking, tends to better at planning, and also want to have a plan/structure. The conflict will then be about the man not structuring/taking his life, causing many ups and downs, which the woman becomes dissatisfied with. The man on the other hand will become dissatisfied with what he experiences as too much anxiety/worry/micromanaging and inflexibility from the woman.

How then to solve this problem?

Both the man and the woman must be willing to let go of their own preferences. Both structure and spontaneity have their positive and their negative traits. The solution is not to enforce a total and unchangeable structure, neither is the solution to live solely in the moment without any preparation. Balance is the best way to go – and – recognizing that being in a committed long term relationship is a great opportunity to learn and become a more well-rounded human being. Men can learn a lot from women, and women can learn a lot from men. We have our weaknesses and our strengths, and it is when we push ourselves to move beyond our own perception of the world that we are able to expand.

Myself for example, my challenge is to become more structured in my leisure time. At my work, structure has become a part of me. However, when I get home, I feel a need to let go of all plans/structures so that I can be free to do what I want to do in the moment. That does not work very well with family life. When there are several lives working together in a unit, structure is very important for everything to move smoothly. Without structure, each individual will move wherever and however he or she wants – and that will create conflict. A structure, an agreement, between the individuals in the unit, is thus vital for a effective movement.

Freedom is not limited by structure. It is possible to be free and express myself within a set structure, it is possible to enjoy myself within and as a structure, it is possible to expand myself within a structure – because it is about WHO I AM – and not about where I am. At the moment, structure is a necessary part of my life and something that I will have to keep practicing and that will make my life a lot easier when I master it.


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Day 455: Warmth

We are approaching the Christmas festivities and for me, the introductory events have already begun. The way Christmas is celebrated in my country of Sweden, is usually by eating a lot of food and drinking alcoholic beverages of different kinds, and then by giving gifts.

I do see Christmas at the moment as an event of gluttony and misplaced joy. However, I also see that there is a potential for Christmas, and these Holidays to become something supportive and worthwhile. The two holidays approaching at the moment is Christmas and New Years eve – and thus – I find this a good opportunity for me to redefine and look at how I am able to utilize these holidays to support myself and others to become the best we can be.

Lets look at Christmas first. For me the thought of Christmas brings up warmth and a sense of belonging and appreciation. The warmth has to do with family, and how everyone gets to together to share each-others company. This is from where the experience of belonging also comes from. I usually feel like I belong in relation to my family – something that is strengthened with the gifts that are given. Appreciation, that is something I relate to the gifts. We show we appreciate the presence by presents.

Hence, warmth, belonging and appreciation. At the moment, these are words that come up within me as feelings, and mostly during public holidays such as Christmas. However, this begs the question, why have I not pushed myself to live these words practically in my day-to-day life – thus creating each-day to become a Christmas in itself. I will begin with looking at warmth.

How I have lived the word warmth thus far

I do not consider myself to be a warm person, at least if by being warm is meant being heartfelt, open and embracing. Those are words I have difficulty expressing. My tendency to be cold, however, is also one of my greatest strengths. I am calculating and precise – though it at times robs me of my ability to create deep, intimate and meaningful relationships with others. In-fact, it is something that I have been afraid of doing – due to the fear of being rejected. As such, within me, there is a constant cynicism – a experience of mistrust – a apprehension and expectation of soon being stabbed in my back. This makes it difficult for me to be warm – because I fear – that by being warm – I am going to open myself up to attacks.

Dictionary definition

1 a : having or giving out heat to a moderate or adequate degree

warm weather

a warm fire

b : serving to maintain or preserve heat especially to a satisfactory degree

a warm sweater

c : feeling or causing sensations of heat brought about by strenuous exertion
2 : comfortably established : secure
3 a : marked by strong feeling : ardent

b : marked by excitement, disagreement, or anger

the argument grew warm

4 : marked by or readily showing affection, gratitude, cordiality, or sympathy

a warm welcome

warm regards

5 : emphasizing or exploiting sexual imagery or incidents
6 : accompanied or marked by extreme danger or duress

7 : newly made : fresh

a warm scent

8 : having the color or tone of something that imparts heat; specifically : of a hue in the range yellow through orange to red

9 : near to a goal, object, or solution sought

not there yet but getting warm

Sounding the word

War-me
Warn
Ware-me
Wear-Me
With-Me
Aware-of-Me

Creative writing

Warmth, it is something that I can push myself to live in my daily life – by practicing empathy and genuine care for others. To when someone shares themselves, to listen to their words, and for that moment, stand in their shoes – to really hear what they are saying – so that I am able to respond with warmth. I have experienced, especially people that work as nurses, to have this ability to be genuinely warm with their patients. What I have experienced inside of me when meetings people with this ability is that when they touch and speak, they really mean it, they are HERE and not in a hurry to get somewhere else. And when they touch, I have felt embraced, seen and cared for. It is like they are able to see they value in me, recognize it, and support it. And that is how I see that I would like to live warmth as well.

Being warm is to be inviting and embracing. Like a warm bath. I love those, I jump into it, and I feel relaxed, I can take a deep breathe and relax – be myself completely – with not worry in the world. And that physical experience of warmth is something that I can use when I live this word for myself. Especially when it comes to myself, I can practice living warmth by relaxing, taking a deep breath, and allowing myself to completely disengage and flow, be invite myself in just as I am, without any conditions.

The sound that I connect with the most is ‘Wear-Me’ or ‘Aware-of-Me’. This signifies that being warm is a recognition of someone of myself.

New definition

Embracing and unconditionally opening myself up to and receiving myself or another without fears

 


 

Day 454: Making a Bargain

Recently I was discussing with a friend which building contractors he considers to be good and worthy to hire. I shared with him that I had hired contractor ‘X’ to build my house, upon which my friend said that he had some very bad experiences with this contractor. Upon him saying that, I experienced a chill and a fear raising within me. The fear had this content: ‘What if my house is now somehow compromised, and I have paid more money for it than I should have had?’.

The fear that came up within me was thus not so much about my personal relationship with my house, but about how much money my house represented, and whether or whether not that value had been diminished. I found this interesting, because when discussing this point with my partner, it turned out that she too had experienced emotions towards our contractor and the house. Though her experience had to do with how she personally disliked certain parts of the house, and how she felt that if we would have hired a different contractor, she would have had a better experience of herself in the house.

After looking deeper at the experience, and after receiving perspective from a friend, I realized that my fear had to do with missing out on a bargain, or rather, fear of being seen as missing out on a bargain. The thing often forgotten with bargains is that someone is always on the receiving side of the bargain. Hence, for me to get something really, really cheap, someone else must really, really, not get well paid for their work. Most of us are for some reason oblivious to this fact. In our economy it is accepted that you ‘buy one and get one for free’ – though there is not such a thing called free. If we expand our worlds for a moment, we can see that all goods require physical energy/matter – and they require labor to be refined into a final product. If something is given away for free to the end-costumer, this is going to impact the people in the production line and their salaries.

The desire to make a bargain originates from within and as a fear of survival – it is part of this idea/belief that life must be a struggle, where we must fight and make sure that we come out on top. In that context, making a bargain is a win in the race for survival. The problem thus is this innate idea that we must compete, that life is about competition, that life is and must be struggle, that there is no way around it. And when we are able to buy stuff cheaply, we apparently get ahead in this competition.

What is not considered within this is how everyone is connected, and how there cannot be a winner without a loser. Further, what is not considered, is that the idea that life is a competition and that it must be a struggle, is also an idea, imprinted into us since a young age – where we start to believe – deeply and with devotion – that fighting is the only way to get through. However, when we remove the veils of fear, what is left is this physical reality – a physical world that we all inhabit together. And it makes sense if we want to have a world that is hospitable and supportive for everyone, then the first that must go is this idea/belief that we constantly have to fight against each other.

Instead of fighting, instead of trying to make a bargain, the principle with money should be to structure it in such a way that everyone is brought along and is given the necessary resources to survive and live a comfortable and supportive life. And when it comes to hiring a contractor, obviously attention given to and research should be done as to the quality/effectiveness of the contractor. Though the deal that is made, it should monetary wise honor both contracting parties.


Day 433: Chasing Self vs. Self-Creation

I listened to this interview a couple of days ago: Chasing Self vs Self Creation – Atlanteans – Part 476 – and it was very enlightening. Especially one point opened up within me, and that is making work/career something more than just being about money.

In the interview it is among other things explained that we tend to make work/career all about money. We go to work for the money, we remain in that bubble throughout the day,  ‘working for money’ – and then – we eventually get home and feel as if we have ‘wasted’ our entire day because it has just been about money. However, it is suggested to make work something more – not only about money – but to utilize the office, the job, to grow and expand living skills, expressions, applications, to not accept and allow work to be only about survival.

I myself recently acquired my degree, and I have only been working full time now for about two years. However, I have already seen how work have weighed down upon me, become a problem, something that I am ‘forced to do’ and that my only escape are the weekends and the occasional vacation. And I see that this is a big problem for many. It is not uncommon for people to feel depressed, sad, bored, unsatisfied with their work and having to spend time in the office. Hence, changing who we are in relation to work, that will have a big effect in our lives, because working, that is something we will spend most of our time on. Hence, it makes sense that we should make work something supportive, something that assists us to grow, expand, and become MORE.

How am I then able to change my relationship to work so that it becomes a time where I can grow/expand/accumulate my process of self-creation?

What I see is that I can use my work to practice planning, structuring and to make sure that I follow through on my commitments. I can practice precision, specificity and attention to detail, by for example, making sure that I am focused and HERE in what I am doing. I can push myself to interact, to develop my social skills and learn to communicate clearly and effectively. I can develop movement, direction, leadership and decisiveness. I can practice placing myself in the shoes of others and learn to see the world their way, hence, live empathy, understanding and compassion. And I can investigate being fearless, having self-confidence and self-trust.

My work offers a multitude of opportunities – though I have to be HERE to see them. And I must make sure that it does not become about CHASING other than what is here in my life at the moment. It is never about something more, living life effectively is about creating and moving forward with what is already HERE. Thus, instead of looking forward to what is next, my main practice should be to ask myself: ‘Okay, what can I create with what is already here? How can I use the resources at my disposal to expand and live my full potential?’. And really, is chasing something more, not but an excuse to actually LIVE here fully?


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Day 393: Talking Back

In my experience, one of the more destructive patterns in a relationship is the desire/urge to TALK BACK when feeling mistreated/hurt/diminished/unjustly treated. It is a problem to talk back in such instances because I am not entirely stable – and hence my words will be smudged with energy – some of them will not make sense – and they will result in a counterattack from the opposite side. For me, it is has felt like talking back is something that happens automatically, it is something that I really cannot help, or something that I just have to do in order to make sure that I protect myself effectively. These are the justifications that I have used to accept and allow talking back – because really – talking back is a very obvious phenomenon – with clear consequences – it is easy to see when I am talking back and all that would be required is to STOP.

However, I found that even though the pattern of talking back is obvious, it is difficult to stop, and the main reason for this I have found is COMPETITION – I do not want to lose! I do not want to be the one that falls flat on the ground. The problem as such is not talking back in itself – the problem is that I am competing and believe that the words of the other person has real impact, real weight, real power over me and my value as a person, and that I have to ‘strike back’ in order to make sure that the field is equalized and that I am not fighting from a position of inferiority.

Thus – a solution in these moments when I experience an urge to talk back it to remind myself that there is NO competition – the idea that there is a competition only exists in my mind – and as such – I do not have to shape my life around this misconception. I do not have to defend and protect myself when it comes the words others use – it is most definitely an illusion that there would be such a need. And hence – instead of talking back – I can breath – ground myself in my physical – and VOICE myself. And the focus of my VOICING would be to remain stable and calm – and to stick with common sense and with what I see is best – and not for a moment accept and allow myself to fall into the quagmire of competition.

And let us say that I fall and notice that I begin to talk back –  here I still have an opportunity to stop – I still have an opportunity to ground myself – to remind myself that it is about MYSELF and that talking back is completely meaningless – because – what I am I trying to accomplish? If I now manage to win this illusory competition – will I get a price? Hardly. Will I feel better about myself? No, because there will still be a on-going conflict between me and the other person. Hence – if I want to WIN for REAL – the solution would be to stick with my stability – stick with my common sense – remain stable – and VOICE myself – standing as an example in that moment of dealing with a conflict situation in a mature way.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to protect myself in situations of conflict – to believe that I have to defend myself and push the other person away in situations of conflict – to believe that I have to use words to convince myself and the other person that I am not losing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable – breathing – understanding that words cannot bring me down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk back trying to win in a illusory competition in my mind – where I think that the words of another can diminish and dis-empower me and that I hence need to be prepared and ready to fend of any attacks and injustices with voicing myself loudly – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in fending of – that in fighting – that in trying to win and protect myself – I am entirely missing the point of finding and establishing a solution – and obviously that is where my attention should be at – what is the solution in this conflict? What is the direction ahead? How can we move forward in order to create a sustainable solution that is best for all? Those are the questions that should be asked within me – and answered in how I voice myself in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place my attention and focus on SOLUTIONS – what is the SOLUTION? How can I move forward? And hence – deliberately and actively move myself away from thinking that I am in a competition and that I need to fight – to will myself to win – to defeat all competition – and to understand within this – that the solution is to make sure that I am stable and that I look at what is best for all and do not lose myself in self-interest

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am in a conflict-situation and I want to talk back, or I have already begun to talk back, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that talking back will not solve anything, talking back will not protect me, talking back will not give me anything, talking back will not produce anything of value in my life – rather – in order to have value within me and my life – I require to remain grounded and speak COMMON SENSE – speak what I see is best for all – FOCUS on solutions – and understand that words cannot harm or hurt me – and hence I COMMIT myself to VOICE myself – to share solutions of common sense – and to stick with my stability – and to STOP speaking if I notice that I am talking back – and then remove myself – and stabilize myself – and then return to the topic at a later stage – if necessary – within stability

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Day 386: HEa(LL)th and Investigating the Limitations of Defining Self According to Body Image

Body image, we give it so much value, even though it is not that important, because at the end of the day how much of our self-experience is dependent upon what we look like? Not much. In-fact, because we obsess about our body image, we miss the qualities/characteristics that are of real importance in our life’s. Skills such as communication, trustworthiness, understanding, empathy and various other types of expressions – that is what determines our life – and unless we develop those – we will not be able to experience life or ourselves to its fullest.

Lately, I have faced my body image ideas/judgments more intensely – and in particular in relation to how I have connected body image to the word health. I am in this blog going to investigate, through self-forgiveness, my relationship with body image and health – and how I have come to limit these two words by defining/seeing superficially and only as an observer.
Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health as having a body that is fit, athletic and thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health as looking good, as having a perfect body image, as looking perfect, looking nice, looking beautiful and getting positive attention because of that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health as being accepted by others and noticed by others because of how I look like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and judge my body according to its image and define it as either healthy or unhealthy depending on the image – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose touch with my body as the physical matter that is beyond looks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the better I look the more healthy I will become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the better I look that the happier I will be, and the better sex I will have, and the more peaceful I will be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the outcome of my life is dependent upon how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the outcome of my life, my future, my process, is dependent on how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the body image all important, to define myself according to body image, and to worry about body image, not seeing, realizing and understanding that body image does not determine who I am, body image does not determine whether I am healthy or not, and I cannot, by merely looking at myself in a mirror, establish a relationship with my human physical body – and hence I see, realize and understand that, that solution is in embracing the physical – my human physical body – without reference to the image – to breathe and ground myself into the very cells, into each and every breath, into my muscles, into my bones, and to feel my body – and to discipline myself to only relate to my body through this depth of connection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand, get to know, become intimate with my human physical body, through connecting with my body in the depths of its existence – through connecting with my body in each and every breath – where I breathe in and feel all of my body as how it really feels like beyond image, looks, and judgments – and thus I commit myself to BREATHE – I commit myself to each time I want to relate to my body through judgment – to take a deep breath and instead move myself inwards – move myself into my body – into the flesh of my physical body – and see, realize and understand that this is where the solution lies – that is where I can establish a real, sustainable and deep relationship with my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt the beliefs of my parents and friends, thinking that I can determine the nature and condition of my body by merely looking at it, not seeing, realizing and understanding that as with all things, in order to understand them, I have to immerse myself, I have to get my hands dirty, I have to move inwards and look at the point from within as how it really exists, one and equal – and thus I commit myself to through effective BREATHING, through progressive muscle relaxation, and through reading up on and studying the functions of the physical body – practice and build a relationship with my human physical that goes beyond image and looks and that is deep, fulfilling – and based on UNDERSTANDING

 


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Day 379: Investigating Glee

In Sweden there is this saying, ‘glee is the only the real form of happiness that there is’. For me, this statement has held some truth, because for some reason, I have had a tendency of enjoying the displeasure/harm/discomfort of others a lot – sometimes a lot more than other forms of humor. I have not seen this as a problem, because I have felt as if the laughter coming from within and as glee has been unconditional and innocent – something I cannot really help – it just happens. However in looking deeper at this point, I have come to see that this laughter is only a veneer that covers deeper and at times more malicious intentions.

In looking at the general context in which I experience glee, I have been able to locate a couple of recurring elements. Firstly, the person at which the glee is directed (the trigger person/point) is showing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, secondly I feel empowered/superior to the ‘trigger person’ because of this weakness. When these two elements come together at the same time I experience a intoxicating and bubbly feeling, that emerge from my chest, and that come through as laughter. The sound of the laughter is monotonous and more high pitched than my normal natural laughter.

Because the glee has come through physically as laughter I have justified its existence thinking that I cannot help myself, it is a natural expression, part of who I am, and I cannot do anything to change it. However, I am able to see that it is not innocent. It is a form of separation, where I am not emphatic with the person that triggers the glee. I do not see what he or she is going by standing in their shoes, I rather see the situation as entertainment and as something that empowers me. And obviously, when someone is having a difficult moment, this does not make me more than in anyway what-so-ever – and neither is the situation/moment entertaining.

The solution that I can see is to be emphatic and push myself to see the situation through standing in the shoes of the receiving person (‘trigger person/point’) – hence see it through their eyes and not my own – to allow myself to experience what they are going through and not watch it from a starting point of separation.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, go into, and express glee when people in my life show what I perceive to be emotional or physical weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relate to others and their difficulties from a starting point of oneness and equality – but to see myself as separate – and see their plight as entertainment – instead of standing one and equal and seeing the situation by standing in their shoes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in the shoes of another and experience life from their perspective – to thus stop viewing life as separate from me, to view people as separate from me, to view the system as separate from me, and apparently there for my entertainment and my pleasure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful when things go badly for others instead of seeing the consequence as them – seeing the situation as them – and within this seeing their pain as my own – and relate to the situation from such a starting point of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful instead of being emphatic and seeing the situation as a part of myself and not as something separate that is here to entertain me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the misfortunes of others as entertainment – instead of standing as empathy and relating to the people – seeing them as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empowered and superior when and as I perceive that another is showing emotional, physical or feeling weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh, enjoy myself, and amuse myself at the expense of another, when and as I perceive myself to be more powerful than another, due to a perceived emotional or physical weakness in another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify laughing and amusing myself within and as glee thinking that laughter and amusement is always innocent, is always trustworthy, and it is something that I can always do without harming or influencing another negatively – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question myself, to question all of my experiences, all of what I am, seeing, realizing and understanding that I will only ever know what is real, if I question and then see the very origin of the point within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify laughing and amusing myself at the expense of another thinking that it is innocent and without a ulterior motive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify glee thinking that it is innocent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow glee in my life, as a normal part of my life, because in my family, glee was a normal part of life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot use my family as a benchmark for what is acceptable and what is not acceptable – because my family has not proven themselves in writing – showing that their nature stands within and as the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop glee within me when it arise and instead apply empathy – to see the pain, discomfort of another as one and equal and not as a separate point of amusement or entertainment – but as a part of myself – and thus approach from within the context of looking at how I am able to ameliorate and move this pain into a solution

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself becoming gleeful, as I am faced with a trigger point, such as a person that is exposing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that gleefulness is not supportive – it me using the pain and discomfort of others as entertainment and to feel empowered – obviously that is not a supportive solution and it does not change a thing for the person experiencing the discomfort – and hence – I commit myself to change this point to instead stand as empathy – to see the point of perceived weakness as my own – to not separate myself from it – and then move myself to find solutions to direct this weakness into and as a strength – and move the moment to become a moment building towards a world that is best for all


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