Tag Archives: release

Day 197: The Urge for Limelight

Yesterday my partner asked to assist and support her in doing a tarot reading for her – I became intrigued and happy that I was asked to do this and looked forward to do the reading. So, some minutes later I began – and I walked through the cards, and shared with my partner what I saw – though after a while my partner interjected and said that she saw something different compared to me. In that moment I felt that I was being interrupted and that my partner was interfering with MY reading – and the emotional experience that came up was that of hurt, feeling rejected, and disregarded – and within this there was also a nuance of blame wherein I felt that my partner was stealing my moment in the limelight.

The backchat that came up within me was: “This was my time to shine!” – “She can’t just take this from me!” – “She doesn’t have any regard for me!” – so it was interesting to see how much I’d defined myself to the prospect of doing a reading for my partner, and the hope that my partner would enjoy the reading, and be pleased with my conduct.

Another dimension of the backchat that came up was a form of suppressive-backchat – because in that moment I tried to talk myself out of the reaction – as I could see that the reaction was unreasonable and unnecessary. Though this support-talk didn’t do the trick and I was contained inside the initial emotional reaction for several moments – until I through breathing in awareness was able to let the experience go and return it into the ground.

The point that I want to walk through in this blog is that of placing value and worth on being in the limelight, having my short moment of help another, doing a service for another, or saying something to another, where I will receive attention from another, and they will see me as this really great, marvelous, and fantastic individual that they’d gladly like to have in their life and world, for the rest of their existence. Because this is the reason – the why as to the intense reaction that came up when my moment of limelight was suddenly and without warning taken from me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the limelight, and when someone asks me to do something for them, to in that moment going into a state of excitement, eagerness, and hopefulness, wanting and desiring to be in the limelight and mean something to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel interfered with, interrupted, and embezzled of my moment in the limelight – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an intense reaction of feeling rejected, disregarded, taken for granted, and abused – and blame another for these experiences – thinking that they wouldn’t have come up within me unless someone ‘mean’ took my place and position in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated and annoyed when and as I perceive that someone has taken my spot in the limelight, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of envy and bitterness, because I feel that the person in question took my position, took my chance, took my moment to fly and get ahead in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bitter and resentful when I perceive that I had a moment in the limelight, where I could shine and receive attention from another, and then suddenly it was taken from me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame another for taking this limelight from me, and think that I deserved to have that moment of shining and being in the center of attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the center of attention – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be that person that is the light of the party, that is the magnet in the box filled with metal, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to, and draw my feeling of value and worth, according to how much that I feel, and perceive I am able to draw the attention of others towards and unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a attention addict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need attention from others for my life to have value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively search for moments where I am able to gather and receive attention into my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am in-fact utterly limiting myself through making all of me, and all of my life to be about what I can get from others to substantiate my life, instead of me taking responsibility and standing as the substance of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in, and appreciate myself according to how much significance I believe and perceive that I play in the lives of others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my life, and my living can only be of significance, meaning, and power, if I am able to help others, get attention from others, and be significant for and to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another doesn’t use the services I’ve offered, that I am then not appreciated, and valued, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment, wherein I feel that I am now worth nothing at all, and it’s this person’s fault because he or she didn’t want to use my services – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my usefulness and value according to whether I perceive that others find me useful and valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I feel that my services have been rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I perceive that my surroundings doesn’t appreciate my participation and contribution sufficiently – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have appreciation and be acknowledged by others for me to feel that it’s worth it to help another – or offer a service – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a utterly limited – and contained way of looking at me giving assistance and support – because there are so much more I am able to do when I express and move myself without conditions

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to offer my services and help others unconditionally – to not do it in order to get anything in return – to be accepted or appreciated – but to instead do it unconditionally – to give as I’d like to receive

I commit myself to give as I’d like to receive – and in this I commit myself to not approach giving or offering my services within a secret starting point of wanting to achieve praise and appreciation in return – and as such I commit myself to approach giving with no expectations, hopes or desires – but rather – instead – simply to give

When and as someone is interrupting me, or I feel that another is interfering with my moment, and I react in bitterness, and resentment, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this resentment and bitterness isn’t necessary, that practically speaking there hasn’t been any compromise, it’s just that I feel disregarded and shoved aside, and thus I commit myself to breathe, and unconditionally let go of any desire to be in the foreground, and to have the attention, and to be in control of the moment, to instead breathe, and align myself with what is here, and direct the moment according to what I see is common sense and best for all

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Day 154: Letting Go of a Past Moment

During this last week I’ve had a couple of instances where I forget things, or miss things, or make unnecessary and preventable mistakes, and I looked at where this came from – and I saw that it came from a tendency I have to think about, analyze, and become preoccupied with events and situations that occur in my life.

For example, as I was eating together with a couple of friends, I was discussing and sharing some realizations that I have had, and as the moment was done – and I was supposed to move into a new moment, with my full awareness, and presence being here with me, I instead started to think about, analyze, and pick apart the moment that had already passed, which had the consequence of me not being aware, present, and able to direct the new moment that had entered my world.

What I want to practice living is focus, as well as presence, and live that in such a way, so that when I am done with a moment, I unconditionally move myself to the next moment, and completely let go of the past – and then – if I decide to do so – I can revisit the moment that had passed when I am in a position to do so, for example, as I am lying in my bed, ready to go to sleep, or sitting by my computer writing myself out – though – it’s not appropriate or effective to look at passed moments when I am in the middle of my life, having responsibilities and commitments that I require to direct, to in such a moment start looking at a past moment – because in those situations I require to have my entire awareness and presence here with my human physical body – and with what I am doing here – if I don’t I can obviously manifest dire consequences for myself, which is not necessary at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I require to be present, aware and here when and as I am moving myself throughout my life, and that it can have consequences if I do not push myself to remain here – within and as breath – moving myself with what is here and having full attention upon my physical body – and my physical world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang unto past moments, and take past moments into my mind and start to analyze them, and think about them, and pick them apart, instead of moving myself HERE within and as breath, within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my attention from myself, my physical body, and my physical world, through participating in a state of analyzing, and picking apart past moments, and evaluating my performance in these moments, instead of realizing, that this is a thing that I can’t do when I walk in my life, and participate in this reality, because I require to be on my toes, cautious and present of what is going on, and if I don’t push myself to walk this I will create consequences for myself, which is totally unnecessary, because I can just immediately apply and walk this realization that when I am out and about, moving and participating, I require to have my presence HERE on what I am doing in this very moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I fall in a moment, I can’t start thinking about it, because that might have consequences, as I require to be here in my world, and direct myself to take care of my responsibilities, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself to give me some time each day where I do allow myself to bring up past moments, and look at who I am within them, and look at corrections, and solutions, that I am able to apply to correct these moments and who I am within them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to let go of each moment that I’ve lived, no matter how reactive I’ve been in that moment, to let it go, and then at a later stage, when I do have the time, and when the situation is appropriate, to bring myself back to that moment, and walk it through, and define a correction and solution for myself

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice letting go of past moments immediately as I’ve walked them through, and bring myself back here to what I am doing, and be here in the present with myself, and have my complete attention here on what I am doing

I commit myself to direct myself to give myself the time each day to look at my day, to look at reactions, and experiences, and define solutions, and corrections for myself – and thus – make sure that I directively make the decision to bring a past moment here for me to look at it and walk through in writing and self-forgiveness

I commit myself to live focus practically in my world, through making sure that I have my attention placed HERE on what I am doing in every moment, and make sure that I don’t preoccupy myself with anything in my mind, but that my complete presence, and awareness is instead located, and focused, and placed here with myself

I Want Everyone To Like Me!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a character of fear, and anxiety when I start school – as fearing to meet new people – as fearing to make myself look inadequate and stupid in-front of new people – worrying that my reputation, and how others talk about me might become negative – instead of accepting and allowing myself to let go of all fears, and express myself here as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that I am not being seen enough, and by a sufficient amount of people – and that I as such will be forgotten, and not be popular – but be one of those people that nobody see – and nobody know – existing within and as a character of being a socialite – wherein I want to know that others know about me – in fear that unless others know about me I will be useless – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop worrying about how others see me, or interpret me – and instead live HERE one and equal as my human physical body – and see, realize and understand that when I exist up there in my head in worry and fear – I am missing out on precious breathing moments here with myself – as physical moments of interaction here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as worry, and fear of introducing myself to other people – and exist within and as fear and fear – then when I meet other people that they will instantly dislike me, and decide that they do not want to be with me – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop worrying about how I am perceived in social contexts – and instead accept and allow myself to move myself here with breath – to participate without thoughts – with self-interest – as defining me as someone that apparently needs a certain social setting to be comfortable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live and apply myself as the self-independence and self-reliance that I’ve observed in cats – as cats have the ability to move from one environment to the other – and interact with new beings – without the slightest worry and fear that they will be disliked by the beings with which they participate – as the are totally self-reliant, and live self-independence here – not requiring or needing any form of validation or comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I meet new people, and find myself in situations of interacting/speaking with other human beings – to go into and as the fear that I will not be accepted – and start to think about what value and worth I have in relation to other human beings – and where I am placed within and as the “social hierarchy” that I’ve made up in my mind – not seeing, realizing and understanding that all of my experience – all of my ideas are not real – they are merely interpretations that I’ve superimposed unto this physical reality – instead of living and applying myself here – ONE and EQUAL as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk myself as a fake-face – as accepting and allowing myself to speak in a fake voice – to speak as being fake interested in others – to speak as being fake excited, or worried – or annoyed with certain points in my world – only in order to get into a group, and get to be recognized by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop when I see that I am speaking and interacting from within and as a starting point of wanting to be accepted and validated by a group of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the technique of complaining – and gossiping about certain points in my world, and reality – in order to create relationships with other beings – so that I will not feel alone, and left-out – instead of bringing myself back here to this physical reality – and walking myself one and equal as the physical – seeing, realizing and understanding that I can’t ever be secluded – or left-out – as I am here as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others that express themselves more lively, and fearless than me – and think that such people are better than me – and possess a quality that make them better than me – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop comparing myself with others, and instead focus upon discovering myself as a physical being HERE – stop worrying about how I am perceived and whether I am good, or not good – and instead walk, and apply myself HERE as the physical one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make interacting, and participating with other human beings into a energy-game where I will attempt and try to gain the attention and recognition of others – and wherein I will try and attempt to be seen, and validated by others – wherein I will compromise and suppress myself in order to be seen as normal, and as fun to be with and around – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop compromising myself – stop thinking that I have to fit in – stop thinking that there is something wrong with me when I am not able to speak, and communicate about the same points as everyone else – and instead of attempting and trying to be like others – to instead accept and allow myself to be like – and get to know myself as a physical being here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried that I will be forgotten by others – and that I will be rejected by others – and to try and attempt to stop this from happening – compromise and suppress myself – wherein I will speak, and move myself from within and as a starting point of fear – and anxiety – and inferiority – and worry – as fearing that I will one day be alone and without any company – instead of accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as all-one – to accept the fact that I am not like everyone else – as I am here – walking breath – as ME – as a individual – and that as such – it’s nothing strange, or weird, or bad – that I won’t be able to create a relationship with each individual in my world – as I simply do not fit – exist within and as the same position as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is something wrong with me unless I am able to communicate with, and entertain – and create a relationship with every being that is in my world – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding – that there is nothing bad – there is nothing wrong – it’s simply that there is no point of common interest, or connection – and that this is nothing bad, or wrong – and that I don’t have to force myself to communicate with such a being – but that I can simply let it go and remain here as breath – and walk self-honesty in every moment

I commit myself to walk self-honesty – and as such not try and attempt to force myself to communicate and create relationships with beings that I do not share any common interest – or point of connection with – and as such I commit myself to breath and participate within and as the interactions that emerge here naturally as me

I commit myself to walk self-honesty – as not emulating myself to fit into – and mold myself to become accepted by others – but instead walk here as a real being and as such form real relationships – with beings that I share points of interest with – or that I am simply able to speak, and share myself with as myself – as the real me – wherein I don’t have to emulate, or change myself – or speak about things that I really do not care about – only in order to hold unto a idea of a relationship with another being

I commit myself to form relationships with others HERE as myself as breath – wherein I as such commit myself to live REAL to be REAL – and to walk myself as REAL here – and as such communicate for real – as breath – as not preparing myself to speak – as not looking in myself what I can speak with another about – but accepting and allowing myself to flow, and interact fluidly here

I commit myself to when I notice that I go into the fear of not being accepted – the fear of not having sufficient with relationships – the fear of not being liked – that I immediately stop myself, take a deep breath and bring myself back here to the physical – and that I instead walk myself HERE as a physical being – and that I appreciate myself here – that I am grateful for myself here – and that I enjoy myself here – whether I am all-one – or I interacting with others

I commit myself to remain the same – constant – yesterday, today and tomorrow – whether I speak, and interact with others – or whether I am by myself in my apartment – or whether I am out walking on the town; and as such I commit myself to stop looking for something more – to stop believing that I am insufficient and that I require to form relationships to grow myself – and I instead commit myself to participate with other from a starting point of: “I am satisfied with myself here and I don’t require another to give me comfort, and surety – as I am here

I commit myself to stop attempting, and trying to force relationships in my world – to force myself to speak, and interact – and as I notice that I do so – to immediately stop myself, take a deep breath and bring myself back here – and walk myself as breath as the physical – enjoying myself HERE – appreciating myself HERE – and being satisfied with myself HERE