Tag Archives: respect

Day 428: Changing Competition

I have now been back at work for a couple of weeks, and one point that has opened up, which has not been present during my vacation, is competition. I have noticed that I compete with my colleagues in many respects, and most of the the time I am competing for attention/recognition/praise from a superior.

This week I have actively challenged my tendency of becoming fearful/anxious/judgmental when I receive criticism by my superiors at work. Usually, I would react in fear, stress or anxiety, and then go into a judgment, and then try to improve that particular aspect of my work so as to not repeat the same mistake again. The way I have challenged this behavior is to, instead of looking at how to change/improve my professional skills to avoid criticism, I look at and push myself to find the core problem and issue within me that is responsible for me making that mistake in the first place.

An example would be how I made a mistake when writing a report at work. My superior came into my room and showed me that I had missed some information. I wanted to go into anxiety and self-judgment, however I stopped myself and instead decided to look at the core issue. What I found was that, at times, I will have this fine feeling/experience that I have missed something, that something is ‘off’, something is not as it should be. The mistake I have done in those moments is that I have brushed that feeling over by saying to myself: ‘No, no, I have done the necessary work, let’s just get done with this now’. Hence, in-fact forcing myself to move forward, when there is a part of me signalling that I am not completely finished. Hence, I made the commitment to start practicing listening to this fine part of myself that comes through at times, to take it seriously, and put more effort and time into investigating and proof-reading, when I ‘suspect’ that something is not as it should be.

What I could also see, as a core problem, was that I at times, too fast throw myself at a conclusion, because I want to get done with it, and because of that, I make unnecessary mistakes, when I could have avoided that mistake through a bit more of research, consideration and deliberation – in essence – CALMING myself down and daring to MOVE and DIRECT myself as SLOW as is needed. There is no meaning or sense in rushing something. However, it takes a commitment, it takes breathing, it takes being steady and stable, to move slowly and comfortably, to dare to use my time and invest it into the various projects in my life, and not haste, believing that I will be able to ‘do more’ if I haste.

Thus, instead of competing, I bring it back to myself. Instead of trying to beat others, I place my focus on challenging myself, and ‘beating’ myself – doing better than what I did in the past – and pushing myself to continuously create myself, and move forward, regardless of what it is that I am doing – there is always room for expansion and momentum. And instead of trying to achieve respect and attention from a superior – I make sure that I give these things to myself – earning my own respect through the way I live – and giving myself attention through literally – paying attention to myself and what I am going through.

 


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Day 42: Eternal Damnation

Today I’ve been listening to a interview series on self-judgment that can be found on eqafe – check here – and because of that I am going to dedicate this post to exploring this particular point of self-judgment.

judgementNow – as I listened to the interview, my initial thought was that “hey – I don’t have any self-judgment! I am past this point!” – so it was cool when later in the interview series this particular reaction/experience towards the point was explained as being but a defense mechanism – and within this it was suggested to look more closely at one’s inner reality in relation to self-judgment – to allow oneself to see that there is in-fact self-judgment going on in there.

So, in this blog I will look at the various point’s of self-judgment that I’ve seen – and now – since I listened to the interview I’ve been able to pin-point particular movements within that are of a judgmental/bully/abuse-nature – wherein I do become violent towards myself in the form of words/experience/inner movement.

What I’ve seen is that most of my judgment is related to past moments – because many times through-out my day some memory will come up within me of a past situation wherein I will feel that I acted like “an idiot” in that situation – and that I could’ve done it so much more effectively – and that I didn’t have to act the way I did back then – and so this is a point of self-judgment.

Further – I’ve seen that there is lot’s of self-judgment in relation to my work, and my studies – here I’ve noticed that I am very particular in relation to what type of results that I expect myself to achieve. For example – when I make a mistake in my work I will go into a state of judgment – and think – “man, why did I do that?” – “how could I miss that simple point?” – “I got to be more aware, and precise, this can’t continue!” – and this same point also occurs with my studies – wherein I will be disappointed, and hard towards myself when I do not achieve the highest mark – and I will think “What? How could I fail – Am I stupid or something?” – “I studied so much and still it went like this – fuck – I am useless”.

Another point that I judge is about my character – I have a tendency of becoming nervous around particular women, and guys – particularly young, handsome, and what I term to be “popular” youngsters – when I have an interaction with these people often nervousness will occur, and when this happen I go into judgment – thinking – “oh my god, it’s so embarrassing that I become nervous!” – “Why does this happen to me! Why can’t I just be calm, and stable like everyone else?”

The same type of point comes up when I face conflict – because I tend to go into nervousness in those situations as well – and instead of supporting myself I go into judgment – “Why do I always react so much to conflict? My god! I should be past this point by now!”

So, much of my judgments originate from comparisons – because there is always some type of expectation involved as to what I “should be” – that I am not able to be – and then because I can’t be what I feel that I should be, I judge myself.

If I hadn’t had a reference within me as other people that I’ve seen through-out my life – I wouldn’t have had a concept of seeing my reactions as being bad, or my mark at a test as being inferior, or my mistakes at work as being faulty – it would’ve simply been me going through life facing particular situations, and occurrences – nothing bad, or wrong – simply “what is going on”.

Thus – the simple realization that is to be made is that self-judgment is really not cool – and it’s not something benefits me – it in-fact only serves to break me down, and to by each thought of self-judgment that arise within me – become less, and less – so really – it’s time to stop this particular point and allow myself to walk my life without having myself screaming at myself from inside of myself, saying to myself that I should do various things better than what I currently do.

I mean – it’s time that I accept and allow myself to be gentle with myself, and to practice living such gentleness – which I will do through breathing – through aligning myself with the consistency, and slow movement of a breath – a breath in, and a breath out – that is what I will practice – and at the same time also practice that – when this type of thoughts arise within me – to then stop being an observer within me, and actually act to change the inner nature of me – through not allowing these thoughts to play out – but that I instead direct me and make sure that I don’t accept and allow any form of bullying within me – because it’s simply not acceptable at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through comparison with others create judgment within me – a character of bullying, and abusing myself through words, and experiences – wherein I constantly feel that I am not doing enough, that I am not good enough, and that I am worthless – and thinking that this apparently justifies me bullying, and abusing myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within me – and understand that life could be really fucking enjoyable – even on this fucked up earth – when I allow myself to stop fighting myself and instead focus on living – expressing myself – and moving myself on a breath per breath basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I make mistakes when I work, or when I make mistakes, and fail achieving a good grade in my studies – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted, and allowed myself to become possessed with comparison – as thinking that I must be the best, and I must be that person that is able to walk all points in life effortlessly, and have a complete success in all points – with no form of failure – wherein all points go smoothly – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not achieving my mental ideal of how I should be instead of realizing that this mental idea of who I should be isn’t even real – so I am judging for not being something that isn’t real – isn’t that really the epitome of paranoia?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that self-judgment is paranoia – because self-judgment is based upon expectations of what, and how self should be and not upon actual physical reality – I mean – it’s fascinating that I go into self-judgment when I make a mistake in relation to my work, or my studies – instead of going into looking for solutions – finding out what the problem is – finding out how it is that I fail and then within that implementing a effective solution so that I correct the reality equation to play out in a way that have beneficial results

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop comparing myself with others – and understand that comparing myself with others is useless unless I utilize comparison to create solutions for myself – but if comparison is merely done from a starting point of giving myself points within myself – as thinking that I am either good, or bad – I mean then it’s useless – because it won’t assist to become more effective in my life – and actually correct, and align my daily living, and participation to what is best for all – which should obviously be the primary point of my life – to establish myself as my fullest living potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create judge myself when and as I become nervous with females, or males that are young, handsome, and seem popular – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation of myself – that I should be stable, and I should be calm – and there shouldn’t be any form of movement within me – and I should be able to direct myself, and move myself in my daily living without any reaction – because others seemingly are able to do that – thus I am bad if I don’t; instead of allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I mean – I am me – I am not others – thus why even compare myself to others? And why think that I am bad just because I react in another way than what others do? And also – why not instead of judging for not being as stable as I perceive others to be – utilize others as a practical example – and use comparison constructively to support myself in my expression to stabilize myself – and make myself less reactive in these particular situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to self-judgment, and to believe that I need self-judgment, and that without self-judgment I would loose myself, and there wouldn’t be anything left of me so to speak – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve become addicted to my biggest enemy so to speak – which is my accept and allowed nature – as a nature that doesn’t support me, that doesn’t assist me, and that doesn’t nourish; as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to commit myself to stop this addiction – and commence on the journey of removing this particular character, and way of living as self-judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others, and think that I should be able to present myself as stable, as sound, as confident, and as strong around others – and to think that unless I am able to achieve this I am inferior – and I am bad; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – and to be gentle with myself – and stop abusing myself through speaking down to myself in thinking that I am not good enough – I am not useful enough – and I apparently deserve to judge myself, I apparently deserve to be hated, and abused by myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within myself and state – that I deserve to love myself, accept myself – be gentle with myself – and most of all respect myself – I deserve self-respect

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into a state of self-judgment, as abusing, and bullying myself through words, experience, and inner movement – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this bullying is destroying me – and that I am pushing myself down, and wreaking havoc unto myself – as such I commit myself to stop – and practice breath – and practice being gentle with myself – practice caring for myself – and practice living, and developing self-respect – as not accepting and allowing myself to in anyway judge, abuse, or bully myself

When and as I see that I go into, and I react within and as self-judgment – because I feel that I deserve this, because I’ve made a mistake in studies, or my work – and I feel that I shouldn’t have done that – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this point of me thinking that I deserve to judge myself – I mean it’s bullshit and it’s merely an excuse for me to not actually change and stop myself – and respect myself; as such I commit myself to stop judging myself and instead look for solutions – to go to establishing a solution instead of thinking that I deserve to judge myself

When and as I see that I am judging myself, abusing, or bullying myself – because I am reacting in nervousness, fear, anxiety, or become emotionally unstable around young, handsome, and seemingly popular people – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this particular judgment of mine is based on comparison – thinking that I should look, behave, and experience myself as others, and unless I do so – I am apparently bad; and within this I see that I’ve not allowed myself to be gentle with myself – and respect myself – and as such not judge myself; so I commit myself to not judge my experiences – and to stop comparison myself with others from a perspective of judgment, and self-hatred – and I instead commit myself to respect, and walk with myself – and practice living gentleness – and self-acceptance

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