Tag Archives: responsibilities

Day 243: Changes

From living in the city, to living on a farm – that has been a primary point of transition that I have been walking through during the recent weeks. It has been interesting seeing how this change has influenced me, and how the experience that has been following this change is that of feeling uprooted, and feeling as if everything has been thrown into the air, a lot of parts, flying around, and not really seeing where or when they are going to land.

My own assessment of the point, and why this experience has come up within me, is due to how my routine is not anymore here. Before, I had a very strict and easy routine that I followed – and at that – I was studying and knew how many books I had to read till what date, and what places to go to, and what people to meet. My reality was settled, everything was in its place and I was to a certain degree comfortable. Now with the move, that comfort is gone, because now there is no more routine, my studies are finished, I am moving a couple of projects at the same time, and there is experience of rushing to get to something, though I don’t particularly know what that something I should get to is.

So, the purpose with this blog is basically to describe for myself what it is that I have been going through, and also to assist and support others that might be facing a similar event in their lives = CHANGE. What should be understood about change is that it isn’t a bad thing; neither is having your routines being uprooted, because these points do come with opportunities for self-expansion.

In my case, I can see that the challenge before me, and what I require to do in order to get back my grounding, is to structure and schedule my day more specifically, and decide for myself when I am going to do certain things, and when I am going to do other things. So far, I have taken it very much day by day, this approach is cool in some contexts, though when there is a lot of projects to get to, many responsibilities to oversee, many points to move – then it’s supportive with a structure – a game plan.

Though, a game plan isn’t enough, on top of having a game plan I see that it’s important for me to practice slowing down, and practice letting go of control, such as the desire to get to ‘everything’ and move ‘all points’ – and within this understand, that I can only do SO MUCH in a day, I can only get to THAT many points in a week – and taking on too much will lead to an experience of stress, and feeling of being stretched to thinly, because that is literally what is happening.

Thus – to support myself to stabilize I am going to apply self-forgiveness on the various reactions of stress, and anxiety that I have towards loosing my routine, and also support myself to establish a new routine, a schedule, and a game plan that I am following – so that I know were I am going, when I am going, and how I am going there.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, and anxiety when my routine disappears, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, and worried that I can’t anymore with the same ease as before, evaluate, and expect when, and how things are going to develop, and how my life is going to proceed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations upon myself as to how much I am to get to, and what I should be able to move during my day, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety, and fear when and as I perceive that I am not moving points as fast, and as effectively as I foresaw, and imagined myself doing, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear, when points doesn’t moving according expectations, instead of supporting myself, and assisting myself to stabilize, and see how I am able to restructure my reality, and my physical environment to become more effective, and aligned with what I wish to create, and how I can align myself more effectively to the physical reality, so that I am not in a state of conflict with what is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the point of investing a lot of time in my home, and my living quarters, in feeling that this is stealing time from me, it’s thieving on my valuable resource of time that I must protect dearly in order to be able to create for myself my goals, and imaginations, of what I am to do in life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety, and fear when I invest time in my living quarters, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not necessarily something bad, because at certain times you must tend to your living space, else it will deteriorate, and that would be a point of neglect, thus it’s common sense to dedicate some of your time to your home, and the place which you spend your time, so that all points are effectively cared for and works optimally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, and anxiety when things change in my environment, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being, and becoming weak, due to having these experiences, thinking that it’s signifying that I am becoming old, and unable to cope with reality as effectively as when I was younger, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself in facing these experiences, in realizing that I don’t have to be hard on myself, and believe that I am in anyway less than others, due to these points arising within me – and instead I am able to immediately, as the experiences come up within me, look for corrections, to stabilize and ground myself and bring myself back here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in feeling destabilized when and as I change my physical environment, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change WHO I AM, when my surroundings change, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the key to walking within and as stability in this world, is the point of being in this world, but not of this world – to stand within me in stability and thus instead of getting into a conflict with the change that occurs around me – move with the change – move with the new environment – move with what is here around me – and realize that it’s nothing bad, dangerous, or threatening – it’s simply a point of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, and anxiety when I look at what is here currently in my life, and then compare it to my goals, and what I wish to create in this life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that regardless of what physical environment I create in this life, one thing will always remain the same, ME and MY relationship with and as myself, that will and won’t ever change – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that these mental projections into the future of seeing a different me out there, they aren’t real, and thus the only place to begin something is HERE – the only place to live – is HERE – the only place to walk process and birth myself from the physical – is HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that life is HERE, that creation is HERE, that there is no such thing as a future within which I will feel differently due to the things that surround me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that creating life is a process that is walked in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace creating myself, and my life in every moment of breath, and seeing, realizing and understanding that process and the birthing of life will never happen out there in a projection – it’s something that is walked and created on a breath per breath basis – and thus I commit myself to practice and align myself with HERE, with directing, moving and sorting points out immediately HERE

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into a stress, and anxiety, due to me feeling that my world isn’t effectively structured, and that I have no real grounding, and that I don’t know where I am going, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that it’s not a solution to remain in these experiences, because fear, and anxiety doesn’t assist and support me to in anyway move forward, and thus I commit myself to in that moment take breath, stop myself, and then for a moment, look at my day within me, what I have to do, and then make some basic decisions as to how to structure my day, and also within this remember, that I might not get to everything – and that this is cool – it’s okay – and nothing to judge myself for

I commit myself to become the directive principle of my own day, through learning to effectively structure, prioritize, and build the contents of my day, and within this ground myself, and remain here, realizing that it’s only me that can give myself an oversight, and a structured routine, I have to build and establish this for myself, and it won’t come by itself

When and as I go into stress, and anxiety, because I feel that I haven’t gotten to something, that I expected of myself that I would, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this experience is an illusion, and that it’s not me that there is a problem, rather I have not assessed my time properly, or taken on too much in my life, and thus I require align my requirements of what I am to do with the actual time available to me, and practice being more disciplined in saying NO – to not take on things without really considering whether it’s practical and viable for me to walk them – and thus live the phrase – Quality before Quantity

Day 215: Waking Up With Stress

Waking up with stress has become a habit for me – and here are some interesting points that I’ve come to see.

I only wake up with stress on weekdays – meaning the days where I know that I’ve got several responsibilities to attend to that are in relation to money and survival.

And – the stress arises in the morning and then subsides as the evening breaks. Thus the stress follows my routine quite effectively and it’s constantly triggered by work, studies and responsibilities in relation to the money system.

Another interesting point is that the stress experience in itself is quite constant – meaning that it doesn’t matter how much I’ve planned for the coming day. If I got tons of stuff planned – I will experience this slight elevation of the heart rate and the buzzing of the stress energy – and the same will happen on those days when I don’t have that many things to do. Interestingly enough – the energy is actually slightly less on those days where I’ve to be active and move myself to deal with my responsibilities – because during those days there is no time for reacting or thinking.

Then the most interesting point of them all – stress makes me sloppy – stress makes me skip steps and jump ahead and in that I miss important things – and this creates consequences. Stress thus gives the impression of being a boost that one can use to motivate oneself with throughout the day – though taking into account all the consequences that are created – if summed up – it’s obviously more effective to not stress and get the things done properly and effectively the first time around.

So – stress is this strange experience that I’ve accepted on premise that it apparently means I care about myself, my life, and my future – and that it helps me to move ahead – though this isn’t true. The real truth is that stress is only an experience – a energy – that I’ve associated to certain times, events, and sections of my day – that have NO corollary with my physical environment – stress is thus a form of disease – a mental disease that shouldn’t be allowed to exist in the physical body.

I will continue here with applying self-forgiveness on this point and in this assist and support myself to move through and transcend the stress-experience.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate responsibilities and commitments in relation to my survival and in relation to the money system with and as stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I wake up on a weekday – approach and direct my day from within and as the premise of and as stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct and move myself throughout within and as stress – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and take as true the premise that stress apparently helps me in my life – that it assists and supports me to grow and expand and become more effective within and as my direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to stress as it arise within me when I wake up in the morning – believing that the stress is actually real – that there is in-fact such a thing existent in the very air of my day that I must be stressed to get through this all – that I must exist in this constant state of preparation and trepidation in order to get through and survive my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to get through and survive my day – and be able to deal with my responsibilities in the system – I must go into stress and anxiety I must use these energies to compete with my competition that are those others existent in this system that fight for money and resources to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make stress my guide and my source of inspiration – and the reason as to why I take initiative – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait taking initiative – wait with moving and directing myself – wait with creating myself – believing that my movement requires this stress energy that takes me over and then does things for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the stress energy gives an impression of being an assistance in this world of survival – though within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself – and in this see the actual physical outflows of stress – and in that realize that stress only serve to tense me up and put me into a state of survival – and not actually be able to move and direct myself throughout my day effectively and specifically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I obviously do not need to stress to function effectively and specifically in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I’ve already developed an effective movement of myself – an effective direction and creation of myself on a day by day basis – and that thus this stress energy is simply a nuisance – something that is in my way of actually and even more firmly and directively building and creating my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate waking up – and seeing before that I require to work with my thesis and my other courses – with stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate this stress experience through imagining how my time get’s eaten up – and how I am by each second losing time that I could’ve invested in my studies – and in building my career and my future survival in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and obsessed with and as this point of time – and relate time to and as stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to be stressed in order to use my time effectively – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into stress in the belief that this will have me utilize my day to it’s optimum potential – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’m limiting myself by thinking that my time-usage is limited to – defined within – and subject to how stressed I am – and that I can only be effective in using my time when and as I am stressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how stress energy sucks the life out of me – that in participating in – and accepting and allowing stress-energy to take over my life – I’m in-fact on a long-term basis creating a burnout – which implies that I’m slowly less and less inclined to motivate and move myself in this system – and get things done – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must establish a solid, sustainable, and long-term solution to movement – and here stress is not a option – rather the only point that will work on a long-term basis is me directing myself within and as breath – within and as physical self-movement here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that things doesn’t get done due to stress – things get done because I move and direct myself to complete the points – to walk the points – to participate within and direct the points – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to the physical and stabilize myself within and as this physical world – and change stress to instead being self-motivated self-movement within and as the natural and gentle momentum of the physical – thus not forcing movement – yet still pushing and directing myself to move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not decide to wake up and begin each new day in this world not in stress – but rather in this motivation and discipline – that I am going to use my day to it’s fullest to support me in my process of self-creation – support others – and also to create my future and my life in this world – and thus put first the actual physical creation of my life – and change stress thus from energy – to me physically directing and moving myself here in my world – and attending what must be done and directed

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into stress as I wake up, begin my day, and take on my studies, and work responsibilities, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and I see, realize and understand that in order to take my day to it’s fullest and utmost potential – stress is but a nuisance that stands in my way – that blocks me from moving into my awareness and expressing myself – directing myself – and building my life and the life of others – and thus I commit myself to change this stress to self-motivated self-movement in the pace and speed of the physical – meaning that I move myself with my physical body HERE – and that stress takes no part in my life what-so-ever

When and as I see that I am going into stress, habitually because it’s a weekday, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that only because I’ve before me certain responsibilities in regards to labor, work, and money – that this doesn’t have to define my emotional experience myself – and thus I see, realize and understand that in order to effectively deal with and move myself throughout my day – all I require is in-fact myself – and my human physical body – and me sectionalizing my day – looking at what is required to be done – and starting to one by one move and direct myself to handle these points

Day 199: When Finding Solutions is a Cover Up

I’ve found that my stress and anxiety in most cases start in the morning, and that it becomes activated by a single thought – and that I then after that will substantiate and keep the reaction alive through going into backchat about the point. The backchat will be in the nature of ‘solution finding’ – which means that I will in a slight yet clearly palpable experience of stress and worry find ways out of this fear experience – I will place myself in future positions and difficulties and come up with innovative ways to deal with the point. Though – the problem is that this entire inner exploration of solutions isn’t really about solutions – it’s about stress and worry – and my continuation in this form of backchat merely puts fuel on the fire.

So, what I see is that I must become even more strict with myself in regards to not going into these inner discussions – and instead I must practice and push myself to catch that first and initial thought that arise within me that otherwise will place me in the pattern of stress and worry. Here it’s important for me to understand that thinking about these things WILL NOT HELP – it won’t make the challenges and difficulties of life go away – it will not save me from this world – because that is an idea that me as well as many of us carry around.

We somehow believe that thinking about things will ameliorate the issues, and that when we go into our minds and look for ‘solutions’ – that we’re actually creating something that will be able to utilize in the future to make our lives more effective – though in most instances the only thing we do when we visit our minds in this way is that we fuel the initial experience, the emotion or feeling that was triggered at the outset – and we don’t reach any form of conclusion or insight – we just think about the point – missing the life that is here before us.

Thus – this idea of believing that thinking somehow benefits me, and makes life easier for me, and that without thinking, I wouldn’t be able to see, and find effective solutions for myself, and direct myself in my day-to-day living – that is what I will work with in this blog – to within this develop a clear understanding that the thoughts that arise within me do only have one purpose – and one design – and that is to keep me locked into a constant state of energy and experience so that I won’t step out and see that there is another way of life possible – a way of life that is based on physical living – a life that is stable and the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that through thinking about the future, and through creating these apparent solutions in my mind, where I dwell in problems in my mind, churning them over and over again, that this helpful for me – and that this assists and supports me in life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this thinking in-fact doesn’t lead to anything of worth and value what-so-ever – that the only thing I am producing with this thinking is more anxiety, more fear, more worry – and even more problems to take into account

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself when and as I notice that my backchat take the form of thinking about the future, trying to establish solutions to problems that I’ve imagined in my mind, problems that I fear and experience a worry towards, and then try to remove, and push away through thinking about them, and establishing these strategic plans and tactical maneuvers – so that I can avoid any such situation coming into my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that thinking about these fears will not solve the issue, because the problem must be dealt with at it’s core, and the problem that I am facing here is that I’m still carrying around with and generating large amounts of fear, and thus I see, realize and understand that the real solution must be where I target this initial origin problem, where I stop the participation in any form of thought, or backchat that lead into creating more energy, and where I as such make it a priority for myself to stabilize myself in this regard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stressed thinking about the future and how it might possibly be difficult for me to get a job close to where I live – and get a job that I will be able to effectively sustain my life upon – and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a character and way of attempting to deal with this – as thinking about what I can possibly do if I find myself in such a situation – how I can possibly deal with the situation – how I can possibly find a way out – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the problem at it’s core and it’s origin – which is the initial thought of worry and doubt that comes up within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up in a position where my life is being compromised on several levels, and in several dimensions – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to commute long distances in the future – in the fear that I won’t in such circumstances have the necessary time to devote to myself and my process – and the things in life that are my responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will in the future not have the necessary time to devote to my process – my partner – and interests as well as hobbies – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety that my work is going to eat up my time – and that it’s going to devour and suffocate my beingness and expression – and that there won’t be anything left of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future – I will end up in a position and state where I feel that I don’t have enough room – and space to develop myself – and place attention to the things that I like to do – and enjoy to do – and hope that I will be able to do in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the freedom to choose – to fear loosing the freedom to build and create my life according to the hopes and desires that I’ve created in my childhood – such as having a lifestyle of me being FREE – of my life being easy and comfortable – and me being able to dedicate my time and effort to the things that I like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my lifestyle in the future will be rigorous – that it will require discipline – and that I am very specific with what I do with the little pastime that I do possess – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my ability to choose and decide what to do with my life – how much leisure time that I have – how much pastime that I place into things that I enjoy and fancy doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping into the adult world of making money – having a family – and working in the system – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose myself in this entire process and machinery – that my beingness and expression will become lost in all the duties, responsibilities, commitments, and requirements – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my future in fear – instead of approaching it within and as courage and stability – instead of realizing that regardless of what I will face – I do have the necessary tools – I do have the necessary skills to be able to deal with the points and establish a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a child, and fear building my own house, and settling down with my partner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that it will become a too demanding and strenuous burden – that it will suck the life out of me – suck the enjoyment out of me – and disable me from being able to do anything of significance and worth with my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear of going into and embracing my future and my life – believing that I will most certainly loose myself – instead of making the commitment that regardless of what I face – I will stand – and I will move – and I will make sure that I nourish and substantiate my relationship with myself – and that I take care of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing and leading a life that is swamped with responsibilities – commitments – duties and obligations – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my freedom – to fear loosing time that I can use towards anything that I’d like – to fear that my life will become a prison where I can’t do anything that I’d like to – and that I can’t create and build anything that I’d like to – because there is no time – there is no opportunity – there is no freedom for me to be able to create such a point – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is in-fact a fear – and that it’s not a reality – that I don’t know what my future will bring – and that it’s as such completely unnecessary to exist within and as this constant and continuous state of fear towards it

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that a problem comes up within me, a picture of the future where I see myself being dissatisfied and out of time, stressed and having lost my freedom, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this picture that comes up within me is a thought, and that if I follow it I am going to create consequences for myself such as fear, and anxiety, thus I commit myself to push through my curiosity and desire to go into that thought, and find solutions to the apparent problem it presents – and I commit myself to stabilize myself HERE within and as my human physical body – within and as breath – and walk HERE – participate HERE – and face my future within and as breath

I commit myself to embrace responsibilities, commitments, duties and obligations – to not anymore fear loosing my freedom and ability to do what I want – but to realize that in order to have an impact I require to give up my self-interest – and thus give up my desire to be able to choose what to do with my life – and thus I commit myself to face the point of giving up my hopes for a easy life – and instead walk into a life of making sure that I do whatever is required to bring forth a new existence that is best for all

I commit myself to immediately stop when there is stress and worry arising within me, to not try to find solutions and ways out of these apparent problems, but to instead stop and then let go – to stop and then stabilize myself HERE – and thus I commit myself to trust myself that when I walk into my future I will direct the points that emerge effectively – I will trust myself and make the best of the situation – make the best of myself – thus I commit myself to stop fear and instead give my attention to living and breathing – and creating myself here within and as the physical