Tag Archives: result

Day 295: Preparation and Planning – then – Execution

Today at work, I had a moment of epiphany. Now, for some context, in my line of work; precision, detail, thoroughness, and specificity are very important. An entire body of work can in practice be ruined if some small details are missed. That is why, in order to do the work effectively, one requires the abilities and skills of patience, structure, and precision. Without those it is hard to produce quality work.

So, back to the situation at my work. I had been given a task, and I was eager to get it done. And more specifically, I was in a slight rush. In my mind was circulating things like; “better get this thing done now, as I will not have any time tomorrow” – and “I must move and be productive” – so there was a movement within me of wanting to get to the state of execution – and be over and done with this project.

Now, I did execute the task, finished it, and it unfortunately turned out there were some mistakes in my work, which were pointed out to me as it was sent back to me for editing. So, in that moment I looked within me and asked myself how it is that I am creating these moments for myself, where I miss points and err because I have not paid attention, not seemingly been able to identify the mistakes at all. This brought me to the realization that I have a tendency to want to force execution – or force the ACTION stage in the process of creation.

I could see, that in my line of work, and in many other areas of life as well, the act of creation is a two-step process. First step is the planning and preparation phase. This is the phase where the point to be created is researched, the information is gathered, and the execution is planned. Basically the following questions are asked; what is going to be created, how is it going to be created, why is it going to be created, and when is it going to be created? These questions are important to answer, because when entering the phase of execution, if there is no plan, no clear direction on where I am going, it is easy for me to loose my overview, and get lost in the experience of creating.

I could see that what happens to me, and that results in these errs that I tend to make, is that I many times skip, or rush through the phase of planning and preparation, and enter prematurely into the execution phase. And then I will move around in the execution phase, in a state of forcing myself forward, trying to reach a result, leaving a sloppy trail of small errors in my wake – which will then come back to bite me in my ass later, because I have not taken the time to prepare, to execute, and then, also to cross-reference my creation. All in all, the process of creation has been rushed, which creates the consequence of a imperfect result.

I could see from my life that when I had planned and prepared effectively before proceeding into the execution state, most of the time my creations had been satisfying. For example, my most recently bought car, I am very satisfied with this purchase. This is no coincidence, because before the purchase, I put in a lot of time into researching what car would be best for me, that would fit my needs. I took myself the time to ask the questions, what is it that I want? What is it that I require? What is important and what is not? And this resulted in me buying a car that effectively satisfies my needs and requirements.

Then I have examples from when I did not plan or prepare effectively. I recently bought a couple of expensive shoes, with a leather sole. I bought them because I did require shoes to fit with one of my suits, though, I had not investigated the brand of shoes I bought, or the characteristics of leather sole shoes. And I had not really shopped around to see if there was something better out there. After I bought the shoes, which happened impulsively, I realized that these type of shoes are very sensitive to the Scandinavian climate, and can barely be utilized as outdoor shoes. And that is not very good in my situation, because what I require are shoes that can be used both outdoors, and indoors. Hence, I bought a couple of shoes that does not fully suit my needs, and the consequence of this is that I will have to purchase another couple of shoes that do fit my requirements.

Hence, planning and preparation are very important aspects in the process of creation. Without planning and preparation, there is a much greater likelihood that the phase of action will be filled with errors, mistakes and unwanted outflows. What I will practice is thus to walk through the two steps of creation with patience, specificity, and calm – not rush the process of creation – instead walking in the tempo of breath – one breath at a time. And when I am satisfied with my preparation, then I move into action, and fulfill the process of creation.

Day 253: Haunted By My Expectations

Have you ever felt haunted by your own expectations? For me this has been a recurring point in my life for some time, and the pattern basically goes like this. I will create an expectation about how something should, or is going to play out, and then I will begin to stress that the pattern will not play out, or happen the way I wanted it to.

It is a fascinating process to observe, how I in my mind create an idea of what is a good result, and what is a bad result, and the my emotional experience starts turning around trying to avoid the bad result, and get to the good result. A great example of how this pattern comes into play can be found in who I am in relation to my hobbies. Now just recently, I came up with an idea to learn some programming as a side thing, and the purpose within it was so that I could learn to create better websites, which is something that I enjoy to do as a pastime.

Instead of allowing myself to approach this decision unconditionally, and learn some programming, because I am intrigued and fascinated by it, I created some expectations, a particular result that I desired to achieve through learning how to program. And here, the result in my mind, was that I should be able to do awesome websites, and learn to write programming code fluently. And after this thought had arisen within me, a excitement came up within me, and I pictured myself being able to develop and hone this skill into perfection, so that I one day could look back and tell myself, my god, look at how much I learned!

Thus, it is not only the expectations I am haunted by, I am also haunted by a flawed idea of value, were I evaluate my actions on the basis of money/career/result. For example, some days ago I was outside rooting out weeds. When I was in the middle of it I stopped up, and wondered what this project was actually leading towards. Why was I standing here rooting out weeds when there are much more pressing issues to tend to in this world. I thought to myself that I should not be standing here, no, I should instead be out in the world making money on some job, or doing something worthwhile, that have a positive effect on the lives of others. What I can see here is thus that I judged what I was doing, and compared it to an idea of what it means to be valuable, and do great things – and through participating in this pattern within me creating an inner conflict.

What I want to be able to for myself is dedicate myself to a point in my life, for just a moment, without being obsessed with the results, without being focused on the results, and without being focused on what I am going to get out of it. Because, the moment I do view things from this starting point, where I look at whether it is right, whether I will get something out of it, and whether I will achieve a result that is worthwhile, I destroy the innocence of the moment. I limit myself from doing things, because the moment I cannot foresee a positive result – I will question whether or whether not I should continue with the point – and many times I will not.

Thus, as a correction for myself, I will practice doing things without aiming to achieve or create a particular result – thus instead place my attention on what I am doing HERE – the PROCESS of creation that I am walking through, and not the end-point that I hope to reach somewhere out there.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel haunted by my own expectations, and every time I do something, to define it within myself, and try to fit it into my life, in wanting to have a particular result and outcome with what I am doing, and wanting to reach a particular position, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that not only the result is important, but also who I am in the process of creating and building that result – and thus it’s important to remember that life is lived in moments of breath, in moments of creating myself here, where there is no result to achieve per say – but instead a moment opening up here where I have the opportunity to express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the result-driven mind-set makes me forget to stop up, to take a breath and smell the roses – to realize that life is not a set of hurdles that I must push through as fast as possible – but rather life is a point of continuous creation – where I create in every moment of breath – and thus life is not a result-based manifestation but something that I build in every moment – and within this I see, realize and understand how it’s pointless to chase results, and believe that the experience of myself will change upon reaching these results, because in-fact – everywhere is all time HERE – HERE is everywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of where I am in life, in what position, in what state, in what times I am here – and this doesn’t ever change – and thus the idea of life as being this linear experience that moves from point A to point B isn’t real – because rather life is a constant expression of myself here – where I walk into different timelines – yet that point of WHO I AM doesn’t ever change – because in every moment I am able to access silence of myself that exists within myself when I stop participating in my mind and instead center myself within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that some things that I participate within here, they don’t have this grand and eloquent purpose, they don’t end up in a productive result, and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that life isn’t supposed to be fit into this economic dogma of time and productivity, and thus I see, realize and understand that life is instead mean to be lived moment to moment, and breath to breath, where no emphasis is placed either on the future, or the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of how productive, or result driven I am, it will not change the point, that if I don’t learn how to live here, and be at peace with things moving slowly, become comfortable with things not working out as I imagined they would, I am going to live out the rest of my life in a state of stress, and anxiety, and there will always be this feeling of urgency to move forward, because I believe that I am not meeting my production quota, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no production quota, that this only exists in my mind, and that I am creating this idea, and being impulsed with this idea through the current economic system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself when I accept and allow myself to move myself throughout my life in this state of a production-rush – because I will miss things that I in my mind view to be less important – such as caring for my body – such as making proper and nourishing food – such as taking some time off for me to enjoy myself – such as caring for my environment; and thus I see, realize and understand that in order for me to be effective in life I require a balance between things

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself rushing to get things done, to have time to do my so-called important things, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that my view, and understanding on what is important is based on the particular results I achieve, and valued according to a monetary basis – and thus I commit myself to instead stop the rush – and do what is here as a part of me – thus honoring myself through giving myself in that moment to care for my environment, and to walk the particular moment that has opened up and is here fully

When and as I see that I am experiencing a inner conflict within me, because I perceive that I what I am doing isn’t going anywhere, or leading to someplace, or having the results I intended, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it doesn’t make sense to evaluate what I am doing according to results, because some points can’t be measured as a result, as they happen and have their complete value in the moment – and thus I commit myself to see that there is value here in every moment and that it’s about me living and being aware of this value here – and thus I commit myself to live this through practicing slowing down – breathing slower – walking slower – and regardless of what I am doing – do it in the slowness of and as my human physical body – and thus not stress – and force the point forward – but to walk it in the pace of breath

Day 132: My Time = My Investment

Today I listened to an interview bought from the Eqafe store called ‘Why You Don’t Really Change?’ – and it was a fascinating exposé about what we should expect of ourselves in terms of changing ourselves.

The essence of the interview was that when we place a certain amount of time into writing, or applying self-forgiveness on a point, then this should be equally seen in the amount we change in our real-time living and application – if this isn’t happening = something isn’t right. And the point that isn’t ‘right’ so to speak, is that we are then not pushing ourselves to change – we are rather expecting it to happen automatically. To get the full gist of what is shared I suggest that you purchase the interview and listen to it yourself.

So, to make this knowledge practical, I am going to take a look at, and list where and in regards to which points in my world that I have spent much time investigating, writing, and applying self-forgiveness, but where I still don’t see significant change and movement.

I already know where these points are, and it’s primarily two points – and the first one is in relation to sexuality, and defining myself, and others according to ideas of beauty, attractiveness, and sensuality – instead of me seeing the person, and their body, for what it is – a body – a person – someone here in this physical reality together with me.

The second point is about irritation – a pattern of irritation that emerge as I wake up in the morning and that arise through me participating in backchat within the nature of blame, and feeling disturbed.

Thus these are the two points that I have still to effectively bring through into physical, practical and real change.

In regards to the first point – I realize that I have yet to establish an effective commitment statement that I am able to live and implement as these points arise – I have as such not given myself proper and effective direction. Thus, the practical commitment-statement I will live when these points arise of judging, defining, or looking at another from the starting point of an energy of attraction, arousal, or their opposites as disgust and resistance is that I will:

Take a breath, and be here with my body, realize that I am a body, and not a energy, and that this person before me is equally a body and not a energy, and that I can participate with them without a energy, because the physical is here regardless of what is my energy experience – and thus I commit myself to unconditionally let go of my energy – and participate here as a physical body – through being present of my breath, of my physical movement, of the physical sensations of that moment, and as such placing my focus and attention on what is here in this physical reality – as actual physical expressions – and thus move myself out of the energetic interpretation and experience in the moment; thus simplistically – I commit myself to interact with the physical – and be here with the physical – not in the energy

In regards to the second point, I see that I have not accepted and allowed myself to firstly, really stop the morning irritation, and neither have I accepted and allowed myself to change the general presence of myself in mornings, wherein I tend to be a bit depressed, and down, not really wanting to get on with my day – participate – move – interact – and be here with my physical world and reality, thus the correction I place for myself is that I will:

When I notice irritation and anger, to take a deep breath, and say NO – I will not go there – it’s unacceptable – I will instead remain stable and participate here in this physical world and reality without any form of energy – I thus commit myself to say stop, to mean stop, and to live stop – and I realize that it’s useless to say STOP – if I don’t MEAN stop – and LIVE stop

And in regards to my general experience of feeling down, and depressed in the morning, I commit myself to allow myself to ENJOY the morning – and be ACTIVE, EXPRESSIVE, and PARTICIPATE, and be HERE with this world and reality – which I can do through for example speaking – applying self-forgiveness with myself, playing guitar, laying down to read, or interact with the cats – the primary point being that I fully immerse myself in the act of LIVING and PARICIPATING here – and realize that I don’t need any energy in me when I wake up – and that I can get out of my bed – and immerse myself in the act of LIVING – and be grateful and jubilant that I have an opportunity to immerse myself in this process of living

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Day 30: Test-anxiety – One Day To Go (Part 17)

pg-reader-tips-for-quitting-14-fullOkay – it’s now one day left until I am about to write my test – and today some nervousness have come up within me – and I find that this nervousness stems from a disbelief in myself – a sort of doubt that comes up where thoughts arise as questions: “what if you’re going to forget that?” – “what if a question you do not know is going to come?”

On top of this I’ve noticed a form of self-judgment – thoughts of the nature as: “you never do well under pressure” – “you know that you’re going to fail anyway” – “it’s too hard for you – you won’t make it!” – though this is not really self-judgment it’s more of a way that I prepare myself for eventual failure, wherein I set myself within myself for the worst so that I will be able to “take the hit” when it comes.

I’ve found it interesting to write about this point – because what I’ve seen is that this type of nervousness, and fear – it completely separates me from the whole, and from the rest of this existence – I mean – when I exist in this state of petrification – do I care, or consider anyone else but myself and my life? My self-interest? No – there is only me that exist and the experience that I am having.

Within this I’ve also considered how many human-beings that face the same type of situation in every moment – how many face the same point of nervousness, fear, and anxiety – but their worry is in relation to their life, and their future – and their self-interest – and as such – we all are isolated into our own bubbles of self-interest where we only see what’s important to ourselves and miss to consider that there is an entire world here with millions of beings – that are being disregarded, and shunned – when we only care for ourselves.

Another aspect that I’ve found interesting to consider is time – and I’ve looked here at the point of human-history – and how through out the ages billions upon billions of people have been in the same position that I am in today – at the point of a test, or a challenge – something that will in a way determine one’s future – and all of these human-beings have existed in the same fear, petrification and nervousness – and even though they might’ve managed to succeed – still time got to them and today their efforts, and their success is nothing but memories, or simply have forever been forgotten – slowly  broken down by the tooth of time.

So – it’s interesting – when placing my fear, nervous, and anxiety in this existential perspective – it’s really meaningless, and fear, nervous, and anxiety is completely pointless – instead – what is of worth, and what is of importance – it’s the points that are eternal – and that will stand the test of time – and that won’t decay and become but a memory – and that eternal point is life. And life is not mine alone to claim – LIFE is here as everyone, and everything – thus making a contribution that is going to stand the test of time – is a contribution that is equally applicable and useful for all beings that exist in this world – it’s movement, and decision that is not festered with self-interest – but that is a practical support that will be able to be utilized by beings into eternity – that is a point that is not a memory – it’s real living statement.

And what of myself is it that stands with this eternal point? Well – it’s my presence – my WHO I AM – that is something I will be able to take with me – and spread as an example – and within this have real effect – showing what it means to live – showing common sense – and influencing this world to become a heaven – as such not wanting to have a memory of myself to remain in the minds of men – but instead leaving a world behind that have no flaws – and as such each human being that comes here will be able to live a life of fulfillment – that is a real life contribution – and something that I walk within applying myself in my DIP courses, spreading the Desteni message, and showing how a new world can be created through implementing a equal money system.

Thus – a word that I see I must live is perspective – being able to see my life, and my position in this world not from the perspective of self-interest – but from the perspective of life – as seeing that my life is only important, and valuable – when it is that I honor life – and stand equal and one to and as life – as all and everyone – because then I stand by something that is real, eternal, and substantial – and not by a memory – as self-interest.

What I must do to get to this point of standing objective – and not seeing myself as more valuable than another – is to remove all of the emotional garbage that I’ve created through my years of living on this earth – as it only serves to blind me from seeing the truth of what is here – that my life is equally important, and valuable as everyone else’s – and that I have no right to think of myself as being more important – and make decision that dishonor and compromise the whole.

Each and every thought is a wall that contains me from seeing the true nature of life and living – and each thought is a lie that proposes that only what goes on in my head, in my life, in my immediate surroundings, is important – while really – there is SO MUCH MORE than my thoughts, and my experiences – and my so called “life” – and it’s this real world that I decide to enter and become a part of – and that I am going to do through walking my journey to life process for the next seven years – and bring myself back to nothingness where there is no self-importance.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with my life and loose my perspective, in thinking and believing that only my life – my experiences – my challenges – my dreams – my hopes – are valuable and that I deserve to live out my life as I please and not care about anything, or anyone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this way of looking at myself – and looking at my world is the way of self-interest – and it’s through this type of living that this world has become what it is today – a desolate world where war, and destruction rules – because people are competing to win – instead of living what is best for all – and giving to another as they’d like to receive themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how it takes courage, and it takes dedication, and discipline to let go of self-interest – as it is everything that I’ve become – I mean before I found desteni there wasn’t even a thought about considering the whole – I even regarded is as impossible, and preposterous to live in such a way – and as such when I stand here and apply myself in changing my living-perspective – I am accordingly facing resistances, and difficulties – because I am in-fact changing the very constitution of my beingness – and developing a completely new way of living – creating a new program code that haven’t ever been invented, or even known to have existed before; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any point of experience, any point of thought, any point of movement within – is it’s essence self-interest and only serves to separate me from the whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how meaningless it is to fear, and experience anxiety towards my test tomorrow – and how in the end – what results I will achieve on this test will mean nothing – because it will be evaporated, and removed in the tides of time – and that what will mean something – what will be of value – is WHO I AM within taking this test – because that WHO I AM is something that remains with me – the grade I receive – that will disappear – yet – the WHO I AM – that will remain – thus walking my test in stability – walking my test in dedication – walking my studies as commitment – doing my test here applying myself within and as the word of concentration, focus, and determination – that are points that will stand the test of time as they are with me – as me – and as such is not only a memory that will disappear at death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my perspective – from developing memories – to instead developing myself – to changing my starting point of walking in this world – from walking to acquire, and win – and achieve external points of success – to instead walk each point that I face within and as self-success – meaning to utilize the points that open in my world and reality in order to develop, and create myself as words – for example with studying for this test – the words I’ve applied as myself have been discipline – consideration – patience – commitment – diligence – effort – will-power – and that I’ve as such used this point in order to enhance, and develop my relationship with myself – which is how I should walk all points that emerge in my world – and as such stop focusing on how others see me, and grade me – and instead give attention focus unto WHO I AM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it’s not worth it to go into nervousness, and anxiety in relation to do my tests – because – I’ve prepared myself to the best of my ability – I’ve everything I could with the resources at my disposal – and I’ve really pushed myself to learn, integrate, and understand the course-information – my work is as such complete and who I am within my work have been satisfactory – thus the test is merely the end of this particular point and it’s not the important point – because I’ve already walked the important point – which has been my preparation for the test – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relax – breathe – and simply let go of fear – in seeing that now the preparation is complete – and what is left is simply going to my exams and doing it – and applying the information – and that this won’t go better if I fear – because the practical preparation is already completed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that – in a way – my fate is already decided in relation to my exam, and in relation to what grade I will receive; and this fate I’ve myself created as me studying for this test – as such the grade of my exam is merely the consequence of my application – as such I am to go to the exams and simply share my accumulated time – as time I’ve spent studying – and show to the school that I’ve studied the information – and integrated the information – and that my ability to share this integrated information will not become more if I go into fear – I mean fear won’t change what is here as how I’ve studied and how I’ve integrated the information – everything is already set and it’s now to simply walk into the point – and take the point to it’s completion

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that thinking that the final test is a epitome – and “the most important point” in a course – is a faulty assumption – because one’s ability to achieve at the test will be equal to how much effort, and dedication one have put into studying – and walking the course – and accumulated information – and as such the test is not a epitome – but merely another point in the process of integrating, and accumulating the information – as such there is no reason to fear a test – thinking that fear will in anyway change the outcome of one’s ability doing the test – because that is already – by oneself – pre-determined, and pre-decided – that is how the physical function as a reality of consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let myself do the test when I do the test – and when I do not do the test – not have test in anyway exist within me as a fear, projection, or a experience – but simply walk HERE – and participate with what is physically here in every breath – as such being HERE in this breath writing this blog – not having a single thought, or consideration towards the test I will do at the more – obviously knowing that I will do the test at a particular time – having it in my awareness so to speak – yet not in anyway allowing that knowledge to destabilize me – and have my change my breath-by-breath physical movement here – but that I remain the same – remain constant – remain here – and I walk in every moment being the same regardless of what points I am to walk through in the future

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into fear, anxiety, and nervousness in relation to doing my test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear won’t enhance my memory, and my ability to complete the test – as such my performance is already pre-decided by my study-application before the test – and as such – how the test will go will in a way simply be a consequence of my day-to-day living as how I’ve walked the course up to this point of doing the test – and how well, and how effectively I’ve been able to integrate the information; as such I commit myself to stop fear – and simply walk the physical act of writing the test – of getting it done – forgiving thought coming up – and simply being physical here – realizing that being physical is superior as everything is simply HERE with no fear – as such doing the test – will be like me getting up in the morning – a practical point of movement here – nothing more, and nothing less

When and as I see that I am giving more value to doing this test, and to this particular point achieving in my exam – than other points of world, and my reality – than other parts of my life, and living – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that no one point is more important than another in terms of seeing my life as a whole – because my life is multi-dimensional and my functionality within my life is dependent upon me being present, aware, and directive – effective – in all parts of my life – and as such it’s completely ludicrous to give attention, and focus to only one point and disregard everything that is here; as such I commit myself to be HERE as breath in every moment – which is the practical application of giving all moments in my life equal attention – and equal value – not seeing one moment, as more or less than another moment

When and as I see that I am going into fear, anxiety, and nervousness in relation to doing my test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I accept and allow myself to expand my perspective – to see this test that I am doing from a greater, and existential perspective – in seeing how much value I am giving to this point and that it’s really completely unrealistic – and completely stupid – because within doing that – there is SO MUCH that I am missing here; as such I commit myself to be HERE in every moment – HERE in every moment – remaining with existence – as all that is here – not going into my personal mind space as my own thoughts, and experiences – but remaining with the physical – which is the point where everything exists – here

I commit myself to as a practical application to stop fear, nervous, and anxiety – practice breathing deeply in and out – practice observing, and being aware of my direct environment – seeing that there are more life’s than mine – seeing that there is more going on in existence than me doing this test – and that this test is not everything as my mind would like it to seem – because there is so much more here going on in every moment – but I require to open my eyes, and be present to actually see and recognize

I commit myself to dare to let go of self-interest – walking this practically through being here as breath – which is a point of no self-interest – as only this moment exist – as a moment wherein there is not personal self – but only self-expression – one and equal – as a movement with and as the whole – and not as a personal experience of energy trying to move in separation, and conflict with the whole; as such commit myself to practice moving myself with and as the whole here – wherein I stand and walk as a extension of life as the natural flow – and movement – of the moment

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