Tag Archives: risk

Day 286: Fear Towards The Unknown

I stand before a decision, and in making this decision, there will be a level of ‘risk’ involved – and with risk – I mean that there is a potential that I will not be able to get what I want which might in turn create some difficulties in my life. What I have seen within this is that all decisions, all movement, regardless of what direction, it all involves a certain level of risk. Hence, life is in its very nature a risky venture.

Because life is itself risky, it makes no sense to fear risks, or to not make decisions because there is a risk involved. In trying to avoid all potential risks, what happens is that life becomes a routine motion of accepting the mediocre, and a life that is less than extraordinary, simply because one does not dare to make the move into the life one wants to have, because it involves the risk of failure. This is where I stand at the moment, and the decision before me, is whether I will push myself to take a risk, and in that give myself the opportunity to make my life so much better, easier, more comfortable, and more the way I want it to be, or remain with that which I know is less uncertain, that which I already know, and that which I feel secure within.

There is a desire within me to remain with the path I am already on, a path that is to some extent certain, because in doing that, I will avoid any potential of failure, and my life will remain the way I have grown accustomed to. However, in doing that, I know that I am compromising myself, my goals, my integrity, and my commitment to myself, to create my life, and not simply accept and allow my life to shape and form through external movements, coincidences, and by chance. Hence I see that I have a responsibility to myself to make this decision, to push myself in this decision that involves more risk, yet that holds more potential for me, and is more aligned with where I want to go in life, and with what I want to create.

Fear is a force that can strangle the potential for self-creation, and fear, always has a polarity, and in my case, the polarity of this fear is a feeling of security, and safety. This feeling of security and safety is something that I derive from having a stead influx of money – and without that steady influx – the other side of the polarity shifts into gear – fear. As such, I see that in order to be effective in pursuing the life I want to create for myself, I cannot accept and allow the feeling of safety and security, and neither the fear of the unknown, and the fear of being without money/survival – as both these polarities serve to chain me into a life that is not aligned with me and my utmost potential.

In the following – I will apply self-forgiveness on these two polarities that I am facing – and then re-create myself through placing self-commitment statements – clarifying for myself how I want to approach and live my life from now on.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel safe and secure – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that feeling of safety and security in relation to money – in relation to being liked and having comfortable relationships with people in my world where I feel that I have the support from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a sense of security in having money – and in knowing that I am going to have money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus define security and safety in separation from myself – where I feel that I am always lacking these experiences/words – and that I have attain them through earning more money and securing myself in the world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in relation to the polarity of fear of survival/not having money – and the feeling of feeling safe/secure in having money – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as a physical being – with a physical body – directing myself HERE in the physical – and within this not accepting and allowing myself to be directed and moved by and within fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to create my life – I require to take risks – and I require to move myself beyond my comfort zones – and beyond what I am used to – and hence – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back in my comfort zones and what I feel secure and safe within – not seeing, realizing and understanding that in order to expand myself and become effective in my life – I require to move myself beyond my zones of comfort and into self-trust and self-creation – seeing, realizing and understanding that I have the power to create and build myself regardless of where I am regardless of the situation that I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear literally sucks the life out of me – and that thus – in order to live a life that is full – I require to and must dare to move myself out of my zones of comfort – out of what I have always been doing and into a new way of life – where I try new things – where I push myself to do the things I see is best for me – even though I might be afraid of doing them and worried of what might happen – because I cannot easily control and foresee the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my actions will have negative repercussions – in that I will not be able to retain an income and survive – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my own survival – and fear that I am not going to be able to make sure that my life is financially stable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in money and finances to ensure that my life is stable – instead of me placing trust in myself – that I make sure and push my life to be stable and effective – and that I thus do not accept and allow my movement and direction in life to be stifled and conditioned by fear of the future – and fear of not having money – as I understand that I create my life – not money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out on small details, and because of that creating major consequences in my life that I am not able to foresee, or prevent, and through that making my life difficult, and hard to handle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to handle difficulties, and to be able to handle a life that is hard, and arduous, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect myself from any form of consequences – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this big fear inside of myself – as the fear of the unknown – the fear of facing consequences in my life with regards to money and finances that I am not able to control and effectively handle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak and that I as such need to protect myself from financial consequences, believing that if this was ever to happen to me, I would fall to pieces, and not be able to pick myself up again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money, and fear being impoverished, and fear not having an absolute control over my future, and how things will play out in my life with regards to finances – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overly cautious and careful when it comes to making decisions, and moving myself in my life, fearing that I will make a miscalculated step, in that create consequences for myself that I am not able to deal with or correct – thus creating suffering for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unpredictable and the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself to be able to deal with and direct the unpredictable and the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not capable of directing myself in a pressured situation where I have no money – and no access to basic creature comforts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to make decisions and be courageous when it comes to creating my life – in daring to go where I have not been before – and in daring to make decisions and push myself forward in life to walk paths and into directions that I would have otherwise not ventured into

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making an effort in creating and building my life – in fear that I am going to fail and that I am going to cause consequences for myself and others in my life – and hence – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take the easy way out – and to go with what is certain and with what I know will work – so that I do not have to face any potential failures – and so that I do not have to face and walk a life that will be difficult and arduous – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I do not push – and vest myself in my life and in the life I want to create for myself – and thus risk something – I will never fail – yet I will either never be able to create the life that I want to have for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution to creating the life that I want to have for myself – and that I see is best for me – is to dare to take risks – to dare to go for what I want and to not accept and allow fear to get in my way and hold me back – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must also be willing to accept to potential failure – and the potential consequence – and within that – walk through the consequence – and not give up – yet continue to push for creating the life that I want to have for myself – and that I see is best for me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fears of the unknown, and fears with regards to vesting myself in a future, and building a life for myself that I want, because I fear that it will not work and that I will fail, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that in order to win, and have success, I must be willing to fail, to make mistakes, and to not get what I want – yet within that – not give up on myself or my dreams – and continue to push myself forward – and thus I commit myself to continue to push for and create my life – to build and define my life in a way that is best for me – and hence best for all – and thus not accept and allow a life for me that is less than what is best

When and as I see myself going into fears and anxieties, that I might miss something, and due to a small mistake, create massive consequences for myself that did not foresee, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that mistakes and failures are unavoidable, and that it does not help to fear them, it does not help, because fear pacifies, fear makes me go into a standstill where I am not moving myself forward, and looking at how I can create my life, and rather it becomes about self-preservation, and that is not what life and living is about – and thus I commit myself to focus my life and me on self-creation – and self-expansion – and on building and creating the life that I want to have for myself and that I see is best for me – thus CREATING – instead of fearing

I commit myself to dare to invest in my life – to dare to have dreams and to follow through on them – to dare to make mistakes and fail – and within this I commit myself to stand up from my failures and mistakes and continue walking – to as such not give up – and trust myself that I will be able to deal with and direct myself even though things might get difficult and tough

Day 236: Boldness

Boldness – to be bold, to be daring, what does that mean when we look at the words from a starting point of what is best for all? That is what I will investigate in this blog.

So, for some context, I’ve been looking at the point of fearing to speaking up in moments when I see that there is something I want to say, or that I’d like to intervene – and I’ve as well looked at various fears that I have with regards to taking a stand for what is best for all, not only in some parts of my life – but in all of them – and primarily – the money-side of my life.

Concept of career and freedom with a bright open doorBecause what would it mean to live what is best for all in relation to money? Well, obviously it would mean that I don’t accept and allow myself to hold unto money as a form of security for a rainy day, as that would imply me holding unto a fear of survival – and living what is best for all would further mean that I will myself to invest and use my money in a way that I see is best for all – so that the money comes to actual use. The problem thus far has been that there have been fears towards taking the step out into self-trust, and willing myself to implement a principled, common sense relationship with money – hence I realized that it was important to look at the word boldness.

Definition

What does being bold mean? The dictionary defines bold as follows.

“showing a willingness to take risks; confident and courageous”

Sounding the word

The sound of the word reveals the following.

BOLD

BALD

BOWL

BRAWL

BOULDER

BLOW

BOLT

Creative writing

The sounding of the word shows that the word bold is very much connected to exertion, and movement – being bold is an act of forward motion, equal to a bolt being fired, or someone blowing. Though there is also a sense of stability in the sound, which comes through in the word boulder – which implies a massive, untouchable stand.

If combined what comes through is the meaning of bold, as being a movement forward that arise from a genuine stability and trust in oneself. Thus, in essence, to live bold, I can’t accept and allow any fears, or doubts to possess me, and take me over – I must instead stand HERE – be direct and immediate – and move as the opportunity open up – as the point is HERE.

Obviously, this comes with risks, though let’s be honest – there is nothing in this world that doesn’t involving risk-taking to some degree – and in order to expand, move, and challenge yourself, it’s obvious that we must take risks – which in essence mean that we must walk into the unknown and accept the fact that we might fail, that we might face a situation we can’t handle, that we might not be able to direct the point as we hoped – such unwanted outflows is part of the equation of taking risks.

Though then there is the point of taking unnecessary risks, and this would be arrogance – thus there is a thin line between arrogance and boldness – where arrogance would be when we act without evaluating, without being humble and looking at the decisions that is before us – and instead believing that we’re “so good” – and thus able to make it through.

New definition

Boldness = Taking action in the stability of breath, moving forward even though there are uncertainties and risks, and the outcome can’t be predicted

De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 2

So – taking a part more of my life in relation to money. How I decided to live and apply myself because of money.

After I was done with my high school I decided that I absolutely didn’t want to have any part in our current society. I didn’t want to have a normal 9-5 job; I didn’t want to become the John Doe slaving in the system for the rest of his life. Thus, I decided to get myself an interesting job – a fun job. I decided I was going to escape from the money system.

What I did was that I took courses in diving with the purpose of becoming a dive-master. I did this through believing that if I was able to get away from Sweden, to a hot tropical country – I would end up in some rural location where there was no money; where I would be able to live my life only diving casually and having fun. I dreamt that this place I would be able to locate myself at as a dive-instructor would be free from the capitalism that I saw in my own country, as I had at that time realized how absolutely meaningless and pointless life had become in relation to living in the matrix. All and everything in the matrix I realized was a prison built up around money and so I attempted my escape.

During this time I was planning my escape as I was learning to become a dive-instructor to reach a life of self-independence from the money system. A point of independence from survival, where I would be able to let go of my fears and anxieties in relation to survival and only enjoy me. During this time I held extreme amounts of fear within me in relation to money – even though I had quite big amount of savings.

It was these savings that my parents gave me which I used to embark upon me quest for independence, I didn’t at that time see how I was through embarking upon this quest of becoming a dive-instructor actually placing myself in a position of even more dependence to my parents in relation to money. I didn’t see and realize that me becoming a dive-instructor would mean that I placed myself in a position of hardship and slavery, as that is the reality of those that are paid a low-wage. In which category the dive-instructors happen to be in. Thus, at this moment in time I was still very naïve as to my relation to the money system, I actually believed that I could escape that harsh and brutal reality of the money system, that I could escape my future of slaving for money, through getting a “fun, creative, adventurous” job. Man, I came to see that I was very, very wrong.

It’s fascinating; I arrived in Thailand by myself in order to take up the quest of unleashing myself from the shackles of the money system. Though, I was actually carrying the very money system with me, inside me, as I existed within anxiety that I was going to loose any of the money that I had brought with myself to Thailand. I was very afraid that I would waste my savings and I remember that during my trip in Thailand I during some moments experienced heavy anxiety, to the point where I brought up my notebook and started to sketch down numbers, which was my money. I sketched it all down until I got ease myself within the realization that; I had enough money to survive this day!

Anyway, I lost about ¼ of my traveling money during the first days of my adventure. I got ripped of and I got robbed. LOL – it’s fascinating how this possessed me to the extreme. As I lost the money which I had planned would sustain me for at least 2 months I went into a complete mental breakdown. I searched for some support and help as I was sitting and attempting to “make myself friends” with some total strangers, LOL, I just wanted someone that could protect me from this harsh and brutal reality, because I knew – if I don’t have money I am fucked.

Unfortunately, no one cared about me. LOL – Obviously, everyone only cares about themselves and their money, as I only cared about my money and myself.

After some struggles in my trip in relation to my money I finally reached my destination as the place in which I was going to complete my education to become a dive-instructor. What I saw as I came to this location was that – fuck! This is the same shit as I left back home. Everything here is built up around money; all this fucking diving is only an excuse to get more money. I saw the poverty that was everywhere around me in Thailand and I saw the ignorance, the blatant disregard of myself and the other tourists that came with money to have their dreams of freedom be fulfilled.

It’s really fucked up and still within this experience my highest concern was my own money. I changed hotels one time because I thought that the pricing was to high. Within this I went into anxiety and I yet again started calculating my money as I now had wasted money on two hotels during one day.

I spent one day at this diving resort, then I changed my mind and I left. Or it might have been two day’s. What was I looking for? I was looking for adventure, rural culture where nothing was tainted with money, where there was actual intimacy and enjoyment within the people and where there was no “masks” no deceptive behavior in relation to money. That was what I saw everywhere, these high-pitched tonalities and pleasing behaviors, everything to get money and I didn’t want to be a part of it.

I left to work as a volunteer in a school in which I was teaching English. This was where I found Desteni and looking at it makes sense that I found Desteni at this time. Anyway.

I stayed in Thailand for about 4 months, traveling around experiencing apparent adventure and freedom but I wasn’t free and there was no adventure. I could see everywhere around me how I was the elite and the abuser of this world, because I had more money than everyone else. I could go to a foreign country and live out my dreams, become a English teacher, buy myself new clothes, rent a scooter.

One of the reasons as to why I choose to travel to Thailand in order to escape the boredom and imprisonment of the money system was because everything was cheap there. I wanted to save as much money as I could save in order to keep the little apparent freedom I had, the little apparent safety I had, the little apparent stability I had. I chose to travel to Thailand due to money.

I chose to volunteer partly because of money, as I realized that if I was volunteering I wouldn’t waste any money!

I also remember that I was looking to get myself an education in Thailand so that I would be able to become a English teacher. I didn’t do that because of money, because my parents told me to not waste my savings and by god! I absolutely didn’t want to waste my savings. I was terrified to waste my savings. So I choose to go with the alternative that presented itself as a lesser risk in relation to loosing money.

I remember feeling more secure when I was doing volunteer work, as I at that time had access to a house in which I didn’t need to pay rent. This made me feel better, a lot better, as I then wouldn’t waste money!

It’s strange what extreme influence money has upon me, whether I am spending money, gaining money, loosing money. To loose money and be in a position where I loose more money than what I get, makes me uncomfortable. To be in a position in which I get more money than what I loose, makes me comfortable.

I’ve taken decisions because of this, where I will strive to take the less risky route in terms of loosing money. I will always make sure, no matter what I do, that there is a possibility for me to re-gain what I’ve spent. That I will not spend money so-called, unnecessarily, in which case I don’t get the money back.

Another fascinating thing is that, through me not wanting to get “caught” in this system, I’ve searched for alternate routes. Through going with these alternate routes I’ve actually set myself up to get “caught” in the system, through becoming one of those with no faces, through me not having an education and a stable income. I’ve corrected and realized the point and I’ve realized the importance of making myself a face in the system, through education and a stable income. I’ve also realized that I can’t stop at this – I must use my face given to me through the money system in order to stand up and be seen and heard, to change this system once and for all.

I can’t escape this current money system, it’s everywhere. I can let go of my fear, my anxiety and stand up to make a difference.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into total fear and anxiety when I don’t have access to money

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I am loosing more money than what I am gaining

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted towards saving money, in fear of ever being without money

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted towards having big savings, in fear that I am going to loose control over my money

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking decisions in which I am not absolutely sure that I will be able to have a steady income

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with no money, and feel afraid and uncomfortable towards being alone having no money

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will become stuck in the money system and experience myself at a 9-5 job

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and feel uncomfortable towards people that deceive and place masks in front of their faces in order to get money

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to run away from the money system, to attempt to run away from slavery and what I’ve allowed myself to become as this world and as this current system

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I stand the risk of loosing money

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I notice that my decisions will make it so that my supply of money will decrease

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that will decrease the amount of money that I have – in fear that I am not going to be able to get as much money back

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money in fear that I won’t get as much money back

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more stable, more secure, more safe when I have a job and when I am able to get more money in than what goes out

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to have that which is the cheapest and less expensive in fear of loosing money, in fear of becoming a slave and a faceless being in this society

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up as faceless, as lost, as someone that has no money and thus receives no support and no assistance

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resist and separate myself from the current capitalistic system

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike being in the current capitalistic system, because everywhere I turn people want to take my money, and I desire to keep my money

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to come to a place where I am able to receive more money than what I do currently, within the belief that this will make me feel safer and more secure within my application of myself

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety when I am not at home with my parents and suddenly I loose control over my money, in fear that I won’t be able to sustain myself and live as I planned that I would live

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from buying things that I see will assist and support within my expression, in fear that I won’t be able to get the money back

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with saving money and with always making sure that I have enough money to make it to the next month

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying things, in fear that this is going to decrease the money that I currently own, in fear that I won’t be able to get a job, or find a way to earn myself more money

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to find a way to have a creative, happy, and enjoyable life in this current money system

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making “big purchases” in fear of doing a purchase which I will not be able to get back in money

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety and fear when I am faced with the situation of not having any money and any friends from which I can get support in order to get money

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in this ruthless and brutal world with no money

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my life in order to attempt to protect myself from this world with money

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever loosing my money, in fear that I won’t be able to protect myself from this world

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t have control over my money, that I won’t have sufficient with money to make it to the next month, in fear that I won’t be able to protect myself and seclude myself from this world

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my money, in fear that I will end up in a position of having to live from month to month in uncertainty if I am going to survive

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to live a life in which I can be creative, expressive, explorative, spontaneous, because I have to work all the time

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming lost in this world and not anymore being able to rely upon my parents supporting me with money, because I am lost and a nobody in this enormous system, left to my own devices

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being left to my own device in this system without being able to rely upon my parents, upon friends, upon desteni, upon anything separate from me

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened and unsafe being alone in this world, knowing that my survival is solely dependent upon my self-movement

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always seek for the most cheap, the less expensive way, in fear that I will loose my money

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to do bargains, to seek to enlarge the money I already have with the purchases I make

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to make lot’s of money with the purchases I do, in the desire that I will be able to make my money more

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to expand my portfolio of money, in the desire to survive and be protected from this world

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to make more money than what I spend, to desire that it will be certain that I make lot’s of money before I invest my money

41. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving, in fear that I won’t receive back

42. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear investing and fear moving myself with my money, in fear that I won’t receive any money back

I am here.

I allow myself to stand one and equal with my money in relation to practical reality. Thus I spend and I use money in relation to practically supporting myself as my human physical body and as the my responsibilities in my world.

I will myself to let go of any mind-delusions such as fears in relation to money, to make money only a point of practicality in my world and nothing more.

I am here