Tag Archives: sad

Day 403: Why Wait?

For some time I have been dealing with an inner experience of depression/negativity/sadness when it comes to work, in the sense that I have experienced much resistance towards working, and felt is I am being limited in the routine/repetitiveness that is part of my job. To assist and support myself through this point I have been applying self-forgiveness, mostly in the car while on my way to work, and today I made a breakthrough in that I had a realization as to the nature and purpose of depression and how it limits me from creating my life.

See – I have realized that depression is in a way a secret/undercover method of giving up upon on myself and moving myself. Because the interesting thing about depression is that it feels like it is too late. However, the truth of the situation is that I am still alive, still breathing, still able to move, make decisions, utilize opportunities, and push myself to move forward. Thus – the purpose and function of depression is to make it seem as if is to late – which then serves as a easy way out to not have to go through the challenges, the ups and downs, and the difficulties of actual change.

When I saw this, I at the same time saw the solution – which is to simply give to myself HERE that which I perceive is too far away, that which I perceive is too late for me to decide upon and live. For example, in my case, one of the points I have felt and experienced myself as being too late to take on is the point of engaging more with people, getting to know them, talking with them, and pushing myself to over-all, be more social in my life. Thus the solution is to immediately take the point on. Why wait? There is no reason to wait until a ‘good opportunity’ comes by – no – rather I can push being social through engaging in the discussion on Facebook that I see, or talking and pushing myself to open up with the first colleague I meet in the kitchen in the morning.

The biggest illusion I have ever created for myself is that change will be here tomorrow. That is not so – real change will only ever be realized HERE – hence – if I am depressed because there are expressions that I am not living – then those expressions must be brought HERE – created HERE – realized HERE – in this moment – in this breath.


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Day 378: The Art of NOT Teasing

Teasing, something that I have grown up, and that has been a part of my family dynamics since as far back as I can remember. Unfortunately, teasing, all though at certain times it is something that can be enjoyable for both the giver and receiver, is too many times done inappropriately – at least – this has been the case with me. And I have begun to question WHO I AM within teasing and consequences of this way of expressing myself when I do it  without considering or being receptive to the responses of another.

Let me first properly define teasing, so we all know what I am talking about. These are some of the relevant dictionary definitions of the word.

  • To make fun of (someone) playfully or taunt annoyingly.
  • To say in a playful or mocking way.

Teasing becomes problematic when it is done from within and as a starting point of self-interest, then instead of being a playful moment of interaction, it becomes about enticing (manipulating) a certain response in the other person. This way of teasing tends to elicits positive feelings and experiences in the giver, a inner experience of satisfaction and pleasure, triggered by successfully being able to push the buttons of another. At that point it stops being innocent and mutually enjoyable, and instead, it becomes a matter of one individual using another for his or hers own personal gratification – and this is not acceptable.

Thus, there are two forms of teasing, the one, done from within and as a egocentric starting point where others are used as entertainment, and the other form of teasing, is done in playfulness, consideration, and respect for another. The latter form of teasing is about two or more mutually enjoying a moment of play and interaction – there is EQUALITY – something that does not exist in the former way of teasing, because there it becomes abusive and about fulfilling the needs of but one of the participants.

In my own life, I have noticed that I tend to start with a playful/supportive teasing, where both I and the other enjoy the moment. That in turn makes me even more playful and excited, and it is when I start to experience, place my focus on and live out these energies that I lose touch with REALITY and the other person. I will so to speak, take it too far – and then – without noticing or seeing how it happened – the recipient will be upset/angry/irritable – and that playful/enjoyable interaction will be lost. It is thus easy to see, that the problem and mistake that I make, is that my focus is internalized and directed towards how I experience myself energetically, and I do not keep my attention directed towards my physical reality and the interaction itself. Because, if I would have been perceptive to the other person, I would never have missed how they initially reacted/responded to my words. And the moment that I noticed, I could have made the decision to not take it any further, but to stop and ground myself – and speak/interact in a way that is mutually supportive.

Teasing, it resembles the word taser, and a taser has the specific function of transferring a massive load of energy and elicit a destructive response in the receiver – and that is very much like the destructive form of teasing – eliciting a response in another without regard or concern. Being a tease, is to lead someone on sexually, and then leave them unsatisfied, also that very much like the destructive form of teasing – where we elicit reactions in another to make us feel good – without consideration for another. Thus – it is clear that teasing is a supportive and enjoyable expression – however – it must be done in EQUALITY – it must be done from a starting point of mutual enjoyment/consideration/support/concern – if not – then it is abusive – and it will create a lot of consequences – unnecessary fights and conflicts being one of them.

Teasing, as with most other forms expressions, is not bad in itself – it is all about WHO WE ARE within it. If we are HERE, present, and together with the other person – teasing can be an awesome, enjoyable, and fun way to interact – however if we are not HERE with the other person – teasing will be a ego-driven activity which will create a lot of consequences in your relationship with another.

The SOLUTION for me: When teasing, make sure that I am here, present and together with the other person, and that I am considering, regarding and treating them as an equal.


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Day 346: Writing Our Character

Walking the process of self-creation is not at this stage mainstream behavior. It is rather the opposite – hence self-creation – and placing time and effort into self-investigation is many times looked as a dubious, strange and unnecessary activity. And many groups that form around interests such as self-introspection and self-creation are unfortunately termed cults, and are subject to slander and public defamation. Thus, this world, and most relationships in it, does not at this stage support the PROCESS of birthing life from the physical. However, we cannot allow that to stand in our way. And thus it is important to find ways to integrate points of support for self throughout our days, where we give ourselves time to devote ourselves to our process.

Writing is a great way to solidify the process of self-creation, and if it can be done a couple of days a week, it will assist and support a lot in grounding process into one’s everyday life. Writing a blog for example, is a way of stating WHO I AM – it is a opportunity to expand and move – and to open what is going on under the surface – and specifying where more work must be put in. And because we live in a system, where most of the time such a process of expansion is not supported, it makes it very important to take time write.

When we write, we select words, we specify, describe, and paint a picture, and it is through this process of selection and placing, that we form and shape our character – the WORDS we are going to live as ourselves. If we do not write, then what is then going to shape our lives? The thoughts that arise in our minds, the backchat, emotions, and feelings, and other automatic experiences that we do not even know where they come from, that is going to be what forms our character. And the big, big problem here is that we cannot trust what comes up within ourselves as emotions and feelings. Most of the times it is complete bullshit – and it is thus no wonder that humanity is having difficulties expanding – considering that we are not taking the time to sit down, consider, reflect, and create using words that honor life.

Self-creation is all about words, it is all about making decisions as to what expressions/experiences we will accept and allow within ourselves. Thus, what I have found is that, if we are not actively expanding, refining, and moving ourselves, as our vocabulary, we will diminish, and that experience is going to come through as a sense of being down, depressed, and bored. The mistake most of us make when we reach that stage is that we blame our reality, or the people within it, thinking that it is their fault that we are not expanding. However, it is never about our external environment – it is about WHO WE ARE – and HOW we MOVE.

Usually, we find ourselves in a small world, that is defined by routines, and responsibilities. We do the same thing day out and day in, because that is how survival works. Though, that must not become an excuse for us to not create ourselves, because within walking the process of self-creation, one thing is clear, there will always be opportunities for expansion – IF – we are open and receptive to them – and IF we are on our toes – ready to JUMP at them when they appear. Being consistent with writing assists and supports with finding these opportunities.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy, in the sense that I wait for my life to expand, instead of me actively moving myself to expand, through finding opportunities, finding weaknesses to strengthen and strengths to make even stronger, to thus be a active part in my life and create myself utilizing the time given to me every day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for me to expand, instead of actively walking that process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open and receptive to the opportunities that are here in my life – to not be open and receptive to the various things and processes that can be walked – where I am still accepting and allowing myself to remain in some sort of limitation – and where I am thus able to improve myself – empower myself – strengthen myself – and expand my process of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that consistently writing, assists and supports me in my process of self-creation – it assists and supports me to find my weak spots – to find where I still have to improve – to find the opportunities that are and have always been HERE – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to make self-creation a priority in my life and something that I push everyday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that to move forward in my process of self-creation, I must, myself, find the points where I am able to move forward, and thus in a way, CREATE my own processes, as I see, realize and understand, that this is what self-creation implies in its very essence – that I build and move something from scratch into and as a point of completion – thus I must make the initial schematics – and I must then place and initiate them into self-creation – and there will never be someone or something coming into my life that creates and makes this for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my process to unfold instead of creating it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my life to unfold – instead of creating it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait instead of creating

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself feeling limited, bored, depressed, down or contained, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand, that usually, I feel like this, because I am not actively moving myself in my reality to create myself, my process, my life, my direction, my future – and thus I see, realize and understand that this is a sign – that I require to spark things up – move myself – take on a point of creation – and thus I look within myself in that moment if there is a point of creation I can practice THEN and THERE – and then I commit myself to practice and live that point of creation that I see I am able to push and create within me

 

Day 313: When Work Becomes A Lifestyle

In certain professions and career paths there exist this norm, an accepted and even idealized trait, that you should work a lot – that it is good to work a lot – that you will expand and bloom if you work a lot. It is a interesting way of looking at life and there are many examples of this in modern TV-series. Let us look at the series Suits for example. Here we have two guys, pulling long hours each day, working, hanging out with their colleagues, and on their free-time, which is sparse, they either plan what they are going to do at work later, or worry about things that have or that might go wrong at work.

I have myself managed to end up in one of these career paths where there is a majority that view work as an ideal and it has only been recently that I have started to question this way of life, and in that asking myself – why is it that I see working a lot as something to strive for? And looking deeper at this point, I have seen that it is not so much about the work in itself, instead what moves and drives me to put in long hours is a mix of fears, desires, and also, some genuine expressions of MOVEMENT and EXPANSION. There is in-fact a genuine urge to improve, to go further, to enhance,  and to reach perfection. However, there is one important point that is missed in all of this, and I assume it is something that has become programmed into us from birth, it is that I do not see that in ALL parts of my life there are opportunities to push for perfection.

Hence, why is it that I only choose to push and will myself to go further at my work and not for example, with the same fervency and passion, in my own inner process of self-change? Or in my daily living chores, such as cooking, cleaning, washing, doing my hair, cleaning myself, etc? What I have seen is that this drive does not exist the same way, because in my personal life, there is no reward, there is no MONEY at the end of the line, there is no boss approving my work, no colleague telling me that I am doing good, there is no STIMULUS that moves me to push myself. This is obviously a extensive limitation, and a misalignment that causes me to put in too much time at work, creating a unbalance between my personal life of leisure and responsibility, and my professional life of survival in the world system.

What I have seen that I want to create in my life in order to correct this point is a balance between my leisure life and my professional life – and also – to remind myself each day that my private leisure life is also VERY important  – because it is here that I am able to pursue interests and push points that are not at this stage accepted as a part of the working system. Such as for example, giving time and effort to the DIP courses that I am walking, or pushing myself to write more for myself, do more blogs, and when the time is there, do vlogs – and also to give myself time to investigate the current functioning of the system.

What I want to share with this blog is the importance of remembering ourselves, that it is not about what we do in the system, who remembers us, how much money we earn, or what legacy we leave behind – at the end of the day it is about WHO WE ARE – and that point of self-creation is not limited to working. In-fact, for us to expand, to become multifaceted, skilled and learned in all parts of living, we have to give ourselves time to do other things but working.

And due to this point opening up, I have begun to observe myself more intently those days when I remain at the office long after working hours – and I have seen that my experience in those moments is slightly charged and elevated, it has become an addiction to work past the clock, and even though I have handled all the responsibilities that are required, I still sit there and continue – because I do not feel like stopping. It is thus in these moments that I have begun to apply the correction of taking a deep breath, slowing down, and asking myself: ‘Do I really need to sit here and work past the clock today?’ – and then if I answer that question with a self-honest NO – I pack up my things and leave for the day.

And related to this, I wish to share something that I read: It was an article about an old man who was nearing his retirement, and he look at the new generations, and said it looked like we were all running a 100 meter race, running as fast as we could to create as much as possible. He said that actually, life, and work, is like a marathon, and to reach the end you have to retain a balance in your life. If you use up all your energy in the first kilometers, you are going to be too tired to finish. And that is insightful and it also the solution to career, to work, and actually, to most points in life – walk with moderation – balance – and see that if but one thing becomes our complete life – then we are going to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves. We need to have variety in our lives in order to be functional and effective. And here is then the irony, that the more balance we have, the more effective and productive we will be when we do sit down to work – because then we have a clear and rested mind and a rejuvenated and replenished body.

Day 197: The Urge for Limelight

Yesterday my partner asked to assist and support her in doing a tarot reading for her – I became intrigued and happy that I was asked to do this and looked forward to do the reading. So, some minutes later I began – and I walked through the cards, and shared with my partner what I saw – though after a while my partner interjected and said that she saw something different compared to me. In that moment I felt that I was being interrupted and that my partner was interfering with MY reading – and the emotional experience that came up was that of hurt, feeling rejected, and disregarded – and within this there was also a nuance of blame wherein I felt that my partner was stealing my moment in the limelight.

The backchat that came up within me was: “This was my time to shine!” – “She can’t just take this from me!” – “She doesn’t have any regard for me!” – so it was interesting to see how much I’d defined myself to the prospect of doing a reading for my partner, and the hope that my partner would enjoy the reading, and be pleased with my conduct.

Another dimension of the backchat that came up was a form of suppressive-backchat – because in that moment I tried to talk myself out of the reaction – as I could see that the reaction was unreasonable and unnecessary. Though this support-talk didn’t do the trick and I was contained inside the initial emotional reaction for several moments – until I through breathing in awareness was able to let the experience go and return it into the ground.

The point that I want to walk through in this blog is that of placing value and worth on being in the limelight, having my short moment of help another, doing a service for another, or saying something to another, where I will receive attention from another, and they will see me as this really great, marvelous, and fantastic individual that they’d gladly like to have in their life and world, for the rest of their existence. Because this is the reason – the why as to the intense reaction that came up when my moment of limelight was suddenly and without warning taken from me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the limelight, and when someone asks me to do something for them, to in that moment going into a state of excitement, eagerness, and hopefulness, wanting and desiring to be in the limelight and mean something to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel interfered with, interrupted, and embezzled of my moment in the limelight – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an intense reaction of feeling rejected, disregarded, taken for granted, and abused – and blame another for these experiences – thinking that they wouldn’t have come up within me unless someone ‘mean’ took my place and position in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated and annoyed when and as I perceive that someone has taken my spot in the limelight, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of envy and bitterness, because I feel that the person in question took my position, took my chance, took my moment to fly and get ahead in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bitter and resentful when I perceive that I had a moment in the limelight, where I could shine and receive attention from another, and then suddenly it was taken from me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame another for taking this limelight from me, and think that I deserved to have that moment of shining and being in the center of attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the center of attention – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be that person that is the light of the party, that is the magnet in the box filled with metal, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to, and draw my feeling of value and worth, according to how much that I feel, and perceive I am able to draw the attention of others towards and unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a attention addict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need attention from others for my life to have value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively search for moments where I am able to gather and receive attention into my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am in-fact utterly limiting myself through making all of me, and all of my life to be about what I can get from others to substantiate my life, instead of me taking responsibility and standing as the substance of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in, and appreciate myself according to how much significance I believe and perceive that I play in the lives of others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my life, and my living can only be of significance, meaning, and power, if I am able to help others, get attention from others, and be significant for and to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another doesn’t use the services I’ve offered, that I am then not appreciated, and valued, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment, wherein I feel that I am now worth nothing at all, and it’s this person’s fault because he or she didn’t want to use my services – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my usefulness and value according to whether I perceive that others find me useful and valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I feel that my services have been rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I perceive that my surroundings doesn’t appreciate my participation and contribution sufficiently – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have appreciation and be acknowledged by others for me to feel that it’s worth it to help another – or offer a service – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a utterly limited – and contained way of looking at me giving assistance and support – because there are so much more I am able to do when I express and move myself without conditions

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to offer my services and help others unconditionally – to not do it in order to get anything in return – to be accepted or appreciated – but to instead do it unconditionally – to give as I’d like to receive

I commit myself to give as I’d like to receive – and in this I commit myself to not approach giving or offering my services within a secret starting point of wanting to achieve praise and appreciation in return – and as such I commit myself to approach giving with no expectations, hopes or desires – but rather – instead – simply to give

When and as someone is interrupting me, or I feel that another is interfering with my moment, and I react in bitterness, and resentment, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this resentment and bitterness isn’t necessary, that practically speaking there hasn’t been any compromise, it’s just that I feel disregarded and shoved aside, and thus I commit myself to breathe, and unconditionally let go of any desire to be in the foreground, and to have the attention, and to be in control of the moment, to instead breathe, and align myself with what is here, and direct the moment according to what I see is common sense and best for all

Day 155: Fitting In

Today I faced a point in my world in regards to desire I’ve created within myself to fit in and be liked, and the context was the following: So, there is a person A in my world – now – I’ve noticed that person A seem to like some other persons more than what he likes me. When I’ve noticed this, I have come up within me, a reaction of sadness, despair, as well as blame, because apparently its persons A fault that I feel the way I feel, because he should like me equally as much as he likes these other persons.

Looking at the point in common sense, it’s obviously very ineffective to walk around in life, wanting to be liked by people, and also, defining myself according to whether I perceive myself as being liked, or disliked by others, because it creates the consequences, that I am like a bouncer – where I either bounce upwards, because I believe someone likes me, or I crash down, because I believe someone dislikes me – making me ineffective at that which is important in my life = caring and tending to my commitments and responsibilities, and walking my self-process, where the focus is me and who I am, and not on what others do or don’t do. Further, its impossible to make sure that anyone likes me, and thus its nonsensical to accept and allow my self-experience to be dependent upon such a uncertain and insubstantial point – much better that I instead remain the same – remain stable regard less of whether I am liked or disliked.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to whether I perceive that another dislike, or like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, and experience despair, and inferiority, when and as I perceive that another person in my life doesn’t like me, or likes me less than what he or she likes another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the point of whether I am liked or disliked, of whether I have friends or I don’t have friends, of whether I am involved in a group or I am not involved in a group, instead of pushing myself to remain stable regardless of whether someone likes or dislikes me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want harmonious relationships in my life, where I am certain that everybody likes me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, suppress and change myself around others, to make sure that they like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a irrational fear of being disliked, and excommunicated from a group, in believing that my value is dependent upon whether I am invited and received by another as a friend, and as a positive point in another human beings life and world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I suspect that another dislikes me, to immediately go into and as sadness, and despair, and believe that another dislikes me, because there is something wrong with me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the natural, and normal state of things, should be that everyone likes me, that everyone experience me as a positive, and upbeat life force in their world, and that they want to have me around them, because they feel happy around me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value, and worth around the point of whether others are happy around me or not – instead of defining my value according to who I am, according to my self-application, and according to my own decision as to who I am in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for not liking me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that another is pulling me down in a emotional turmoil, because he, or she doesn’t like me, or appreciate me sufficiently, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its not in-fact about the other, but its about my relationship with myself, and that this other person assists and supports me to reveal, and expose a certain dimension of my relationship with myself that I haven’t yet looked at and investigated specifically and effectively – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the blame, and instead be grateful that this other person assists and supports me in revealing certain self-compromising dimensions that exists within me that I haven’t yet dealt with and directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in my mind that my relationship with another is destroyed, and isn’t working, because the other person seemingly doesn’t like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with another isn’t defined according to how another experience themselves, but is something that I define and create within myself, as I decide who I am, and as I decide what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me towards another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my focus be upon how this person experience himself, instead of looking at how I exist within and as myself, and what I am able to do to bring this point into and as a solution for myself – and let go of my reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reactions with thinking that we simply don’t fit together, that we simply don’t agree with one another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how in-fact, this is a self-compromise, that its not about the other person, but that its about what I accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define the context of this relationship, and place myself towards this other person specifically, in defining the purpose and direction of the relationship, and as such making sure that I know who I am in relation to the other point so that there exists no conflict within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I meet new people, to define and specifically direct the relationship within me, to specify what the relationship is, and who I am towards the relationship, why the relationship is in my world, and thus how I am in relationship to that particular person – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself go into conflict within myself, because I want all the relationships in my world to be that of friendships, of feeling pleasurable, and nice, and me within that feeling liked, instead of realizing that there are other forms of relationships in this world that doesn’t have this context, and where I require to align myself to the point from within and as a starting point that is in alignment with why the relationship exists in my world to begin with

Self-commitments

I commit myself to align my relationship to person A to be in relation to the context as to why the relationship is in my world, and to not expect, or want anything more out of it, than what the relationship is on a physical level – and thus I commit myself to let go of any hopes, and expectations of being liked, or loved, and instead keep it professional, and direct it according to what I see is best for the both of us in relation to where we are in our life’s

I commit myself to breathe through the reactions of despair, inferiority, and sadness, and instead align myself with my human physical body, and make the relationship with person A supportive in relation to the context as to why we have each-other in our worlds – and why we’ve meet – and as such not try to make something that it isn’t – or hope that it should be something different than what it is – I remain with what real – and what is here

Day 139: Emotion as Divergence Tactic

Today my partner confronted me about how I didn’t in a moment consider all the possible outflows of my words, and how I’ve within that had created a risk that people in my world might create assumptions, ideas, and backchat, and start to formulate their own opinions about what I had said, and in that subsequently compromise themselves in some way. The fascinating aspect of this moment was that, as my partner was speaking to me, the experience that began to grow, and take precedence over all other things was that of me feeling hurt, and criticized.

As the moment was done, and the things had been said, all I could think was that my partner somehow didn’t say this nicely enough, and that she wasn’t sufficiently gentle, and forbearing. When I got the time I thus started to apply self-forgiveness on the point, and at first I focused on the emotions – feeling hurt, feeling sad, and criticized – I continued to apply self-forgiveness, yet there was something that wasn’t right, there was a dimension I was missing – so I looked at the point again.

What I could see was fascinating, because what had happened since the instance of my partner confronting me in regards to a particular physical application of mine, was that my full attention had gone into the direction of looking at the reactions, the emotions and the thoughts that had come up in that moment. So, in effect, I had completely circumvented the point that my partner shared with me, not given that point a single thought, and instead focused everything on my experience.

I saw in that moment that this is obviously a escape mechanism, that allows me to run away from that which is relevant, and to instead focus upon that which isn’t really relevant at all, which was me feeling hurt, and sad – those emotions I could simply breathe through – yet this physical point was in-fact that which revealed to me a opportunity for practical self-change – and that point had very conveniently disappeared from the ambit of my awareness in a maelstrom of emotions.

As I became aware of this point I re-directed my self-forgiveness application to deal with the actuality of what my partner had confronted me with, and in doing this some fascinating realizations opened up – and I realized that the main point that this moment had showed me was actually how didn’t accept and allow myself to live the word consideration – in making sure that when I speak and express myself – that I put a guard before my mouth – and that I don’t speak on a whim – but that I am instead considering what I am about to say and looking at whether what I am about to say would have adverse consequences for others – and then speaking.

The main lesson learned here is thus that, emotions are not the end-point, and more often than not we actually use emotions to cover up the essential realizations that a physical consequence or moment is giving to us straight up in our faces – thus – what I must practice is to become more attuned with physical reality – and dare to immediately let go of the emotions coming up as I face a physical point, so that I can see, and deal with the reality of what is here, and thus quantify my process of physical self-change.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how emotions is not the end point, and is not that which hides the actual practical correction, and realization, but is merely the energetic compounded effect that I require to release, to then get into the specifics and the actual physical nature of a point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of focusing upon the support and assistance shared with me in a moment, to give my attention to the emotions that I experienced coming up within me, that make all and everything in that moment to be about my experience, so that I can apparently have a valid excuse as to why I do not require to look at this particular point that my partner is sharing with me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is one of defense and protection mechanisms that the mind use to make physical reality elusive, and obviously something that I allow, and play along with so that I don’t have to face myself, and deal with myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice, and will myself to master the skill of immediately letting go of experiences that come up within me, so that I can focus and dedicate myself to see what is here, and direct myself according to what is here, and as such quantify my process of self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when an emotion come up within me, it indicates that there is a problem existing within me at a deeper level, and that the emotion is not the end of it all, and in some contexts the emotion is simply a diversion mechanism for me to not face what is here, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make sure that I don’t get caught in emotions, but at all times remain clear on the point that the actual point of importance is physical self-change, and physical self-direction – actual in a moment directing myself to step up and stand up from within and as my mind and become a self-motivated human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give attention to what goes on in my mind upon the basis of what I experience to be relevant, what I experience to be a ‘big point’ – and what I experience as being uncomfortable, and making me uneasy, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take a look at my physical world and reality, at my physical living and application of myself, to see where in my world, and in how I live, that there is the most acute need for attention due to how a particular mind-point influence me on a physical level – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself push hard points that are merely thought and experience based, and give in, and give up on points that are physically manifested in my body as automated reactions, instead of realizing that it’s these latter points that I should give my attention to, and that are important for me to walk through and direct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at the end of the day, what is relevant, what is important, and what is actually influencing my life the most, are points that are manifested on a physical level, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give priority and attention to these points that actually influence me physically, that have my body change, that have my heart rate change, that have my general beingness experience of myself change, and with these smaller points such as emotions that come up sporadically, or thoughts doing the same, to simply in the moment let them go and shift myself back into and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s very specific that the mind induces and allures me to focus on thoughts, and emotions, and that which feels difficult and hard, because it effectively nullifies any attempt of mine to change physical points of behavior that are much more influential, and consequential than merely mental points that have not yet accumulated into physical response patterns, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not re-structure my priorities in regards to process, to make sure that I place the most of my times and the most of my support, and assistance, on walking through those points which are physically manifested characters and behaviors which do not support me, or others in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when another is speaking to me, and pointing something out to me, to in that moment make the decision to listen unconditionally, to realize that it might be a point that is personally about me, but that it’s just a part of me, and not the whole of me – it’s not the entirety of me that is wrong, or bad – it’s just a application of mine that hasn’t been effective – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally in that moment take a look at myself, to question myself, to question my intentions, my behaviors, my outlook, and my perspectives, to see whether or whether not what is shared is in-fact so – I mean I have nothing to loose and all to win in applying this particular practical application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I am confronted by another in regards to my behavior, to in that moment push myself to really listen, to really HEARE – to be HERE – and to accept and allow myself to unconditionally and without wanting to hold unto any idea and perception of who I am – listen to the information and allow myself to consider it and take into me without any fear – because I realize that there is really nothing to loose – and if the information happens to be ineffective and I would apply it anyway – this is something that I would be able to see and then correct at a later stage; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to let go of any idea of myself – and who I am – and where I am – and accept and allow myself to humble myself – because I see, realize and understand that only through humbling myself will I be able to learn and expand and grow in my process of self-expansion and self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I perceive that another is being reactive, or angry in the way they are confronting me with a particular point, to use that as a reason for why I am now allowed to feel hurt, and to focus all my attention and awareness on my experience of feeling hurt, instead of see, realizing and understanding that whether another is reacting, or not reacting, it’s not relevant to my process of self-change, that I must discipline myself to make sure that at all times I remain here – and I dare to face the points that come up in my day to day life and living – to as such quantify my process so that I am able to change and birth myself as life from the physical

Self-commitments

When and as I am being confronted by another in regards to a particular points, and I notice I am reacting in feeling hurt, and sad, and criticized, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in giving my attention, focus and awareness on the emotional experience, I am in-fact missing out on a moment of self-expansion, and self-movement, wherein I could in-fact learn something, and see a new dimension, and aspect of myself that I haven’t yet considered – and as such I commit myself to focus upon what another is saying – and to look within me and embrace the information and take it in me unconditionally – and consider it without any fear of loosing myself – because I realize that I can’t loose myself – but I can loose out on this moment of self-expansion through making it a moment dedicated to reaction instead of life as living

When and as I see that I am entirely focusing upon the emotion coming up within me in regards to a particular moment, or a point that I am looking at, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that – yes – the emotion must be dealt with and released – yet the actual point of self-expansion and self-movement will not be found in the emotion but I must go deeper and look at the very origin point of the emotion – the structure within me through which I’ve created the emotion – and as such I commit myself to through self-forgiveness, and writing – go deeper into the points I am working with – to clear the initial experience of emotion or feeling – but then push myself to go deeper into the point and look at the timeline, the thoughts, the memories, and the how of the experience, and how I can correct it in real time, and anchor self-change in the physical through practical, physical living