Tag Archives: sadness

Day 403: Why Wait?

For some time I have been dealing with an inner experience of depression/negativity/sadness when it comes to work, in the sense that I have experienced much resistance towards working, and felt is I am being limited in the routine/repetitiveness that is part of my job. To assist and support myself through this point I have been applying self-forgiveness, mostly in the car while on my way to work, and today I made a breakthrough in that I had a realization as to the nature and purpose of depression and how it limits me from creating my life.

See – I have realized that depression is in a way a secret/undercover method of giving up upon on myself and moving myself. Because the interesting thing about depression is that it feels like it is too late. However, the truth of the situation is that I am still alive, still breathing, still able to move, make decisions, utilize opportunities, and push myself to move forward. Thus – the purpose and function of depression is to make it seem as if is to late – which then serves as a easy way out to not have to go through the challenges, the ups and downs, and the difficulties of actual change.

When I saw this, I at the same time saw the solution – which is to simply give to myself HERE that which I perceive is too far away, that which I perceive is too late for me to decide upon and live. For example, in my case, one of the points I have felt and experienced myself as being too late to take on is the point of engaging more with people, getting to know them, talking with them, and pushing myself to over-all, be more social in my life. Thus the solution is to immediately take the point on. Why wait? There is no reason to wait until a ‘good opportunity’ comes by – no – rather I can push being social through engaging in the discussion on Facebook that I see, or talking and pushing myself to open up with the first colleague I meet in the kitchen in the morning.

The biggest illusion I have ever created for myself is that change will be here tomorrow. That is not so – real change will only ever be realized HERE – hence – if I am depressed because there are expressions that I am not living – then those expressions must be brought HERE – created HERE – realized HERE – in this moment – in this breath.


Learn more about this way of living

Day 179: You Hurt Me

Yesterday I had an overwhelming experience of hurt come up within me. It arose within as I was speaking with another, and was triggered as this other utilized a specific sound that I perceived as irritated as well as complaining – and the content of the words was that of how there was a point in my life that I didn’t direct sufficiently effective and that I accordingly must change.

So, what came up within me was hurt and sadness – and the reasoning and purpose of the experience was that I was now hurt, and it was this other person’s fault, and that I will use this hurt, and sadness experience to show to this other person just how hurt, and sad I’ve become, and how it’s their fault; thus – a form of manipulation.

It’s interesting that this is a game that I often played with my motherhere I used feeling hurt, and sad as weapons in order to have my mother feel guilty for something I perceived she’d done or said to me. The same pattern is playing out now, I feel hurt, and I justify this feeling as being real and then use it in order to make the other person guilty and to get what I want.

Obviously the big problem here is that I don’t control or direct this pattern at all, it just come up within me, and then the entire circus starts – thus I see that require to open up this feeling hurt and look at specifically what it consists out of – how come it is that I have such an easy time to get and feel hurt? How come I accept and allow things to get to me in such a way that I feel like I’ve been completely devastated and destroyed by another person – these are points that I must direct and not anymore accept and allow within and as myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a hurt experience be triggered when and as someone speaks to me in what I perceive to be a criticizing, harsh, complaining, and irritated tone, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I’ve been made to be inferior and less than the other person, and that I’ve now lost a part of myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret and define this voice and tonality in my mind as me being under attack – as me being exposed and placed to be shoot at in the middle of a field – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the voice, and the sound in itself is not what is causing this experience of feel hurt, devastated and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as this experience of feeling hurt, devastated and sad, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience is based on memories of my past, wherein I felt that my mother didn’t take me into account and treat me beneficially – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto such hurt-moments in my mind, and use them as ways to get back into that position within myself wherein I feel that I’ve been very much set aside, and that my life has not been taken into account as I’ve desired – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto hurt, sadness, and feeling unjustly treated in my mind, and continue to bring these memories up in my mind, and in my daily living, through reacting and living out this pattern of feeling hurt, and sad, and attacked – again, and again and again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as this hurt and sadness experience arise from within me, go into blame and think that another is at fault for how I experience myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simple fact, that obviously another is not at fault for my experience of myself, and obviously what I experience is a part of myself that I’ve not yet dealt with, and directed effectively, and thus it comes up within me because it requires attention, and direction, and it requires to be moved – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not as this experience of hurt and sadness comes up within me, to stabilize myself in my body, and to realize that thus experience is not about anyone else, and that no one has caused it, or created it within me but me – and that it’s here and have arisen within me in order for me to take responsibility for and direct the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting and holding myself back in my mind through accepting and allowing myself to make this hurt experience personal, instead of realizing that it’s not personal, that it’s in-fact but energy arising within, in-fact but an experience coming up from within, and it has nothing to do with personally per se – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not as this experience comes up from within me chest region – to stabilize myself within and as my human physical body – and accept and allow myself to unconditionally let of the hurt and the sadness – realizing that it’s nothing personal – it’s nothing bad – it’s but energy arising in my chest and solar plexus area that I require and need to let go and release from within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hurt, feel devastated and atrociously handled, when and as another utilize a voice that is harsh, sharp, and what I perceive to be, criticizing, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immediately and without hesitation take such a voice personally, and define myself according to such a voice, and to think that I am reacting because of that voice, instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I am reacting because various experiences arise in my body, that have their origin in memories, and thus it’s nothing personal – it’s nothing about the other individual – it’s nothing that I require to make anything more than what it is – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply realize that I am dealing with a memory – and thus I require to be the directive principle in accepting and allowing myself to let go of and release this memory – and not anymore accept and allow myself and my life to be bound by and limited within and through this memory

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory from my past of my mother telling me sharply how she was dissatisfied with me, and how she felt that she couldn’t trust me, because I wasn’t behaving very well with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto that memory, of in the moment when my mother told me this, feel hurt, devastated, and as if my mother didn’t understand me, and didn’t see the situation from my perspective, and didn’t see where I was coming from, but merely approached me, and what I’d done as being wrong, and as something that must immediately be punished and removed – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in holding unto seeing situations from within and as this memory, limiting myself from standing up, from living and from expressing myself, and directing myself in conflict situations without taking them personally, and without making them anything more or less than what they are being conflict situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mother brought up and showed me the points she weren’t satisfied with, and did this in a angry, criticizing, harsh, and ferocious tone, to immediately take it personally, and feel that I’d done something terribly wrong, and as well on top of that feel, that my mother didn’t consider me as I would like to be considered, because I felt as if she left out some essential points in regards to what had happened, and that because of this I wasn’t considered, or treated in accordance to what was right and fair, but I was instead being brutalized on the basis of conjectures that I didn’t feel were right or correct; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep, and hold unto this memory within me, and in particular the hurt, and sadness experience from within this memory – and think that this hurt and sadness experience that came up was real – and that it was correct of me to attempt and try to defend and protect myself through going into a state of victimization – and then trying to get at my mother that way – through making my mother feel inferior, sad and less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I can give myself the gift of releasing this hurt, and sadness, and feeling of being devastated, and that I don’t anymore require to blame another, to hold unto feeling, and experience myself inferior, and if something utterly distasteful and repellent have done unto me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to let go of blame, and to realize that this hurt is me, and that this hurt in itself is nothing bad, nothing wrong, nothing to be fought, nothing to be strangled and suppressed – in-fact this hurt is here in my life in order to be understood and directed and moved – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve experienced myself as hurt in the past – in my childhood – because that was the only way I could deal with my life at that point – though now I have the tools to direct myself and stabilize myself – and instead of reacting – creating stable solutions for myself and my life – and developing common sense so that I can stand by and move through my life without being moved or reacting in emotional or feeling-based experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it was nothing personal as my mother became angry and frustrated at me, and spoke to me in a tone of voice that I perceived to be harsh, and degrading, and making me to be inferior, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this voice personally, and see it as a personal attack towards me, and as something that I’d to defend myself against, else it would swallow me, and devour me whole, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it was merely a voice tonality, merely a energy, and obviously something that my mother went into and experienced that had nothing to do with me per se, but was her own mind that played a trick on her, and because my mother didn’t have any effective tools to deal with these type of things, she went into the emotion and exerted it unto her environment, which at that stage in time happened to be me

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to not take voice tonalities that I perceive to be harsh, criticizing, and attacking, personally, and I commit myself to breathe and stabilize myself HERE within and as my human physical body – within and as breath – within and as being HERE in the physical and not somewhere lost in my mind

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that taking it personally is a decision that I make – and thus I commit myself to support myself to not take these forms of tonalities with accompanying words personally – but realize that they are about the other person and not about me – they are not an attack towards me and thus not something that I require to defend or protect myself against – and thus I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and stabilize myself HERE and continue to move myself – and continue to participate in my day and not make it anything more than a tonality

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a hurt experience is nothing more or less but a hurt experience – it’s not something that I must protect and defend myself against – it’s not something that I must suppress – it’s in-fact merely energy coming up within me that is here for me to direct and move – and thus I commit myself to move and direct these energies through applying self-forgiveness, breathing and writing, and placing in its stead directive commitment statements for how I want to live from now on

Day 64: Reactions Are My Friends

Lately I’ve been feeling some frustrations, and irritations, and this is because there has come up lots of new “material” so to speak, within me, that is here for me to work with. So, I am first going to share with you reading this blog, my perspective on reactions, and how I actually see discomfort, frustrations, and irritations, not as my enemies but as my friends.

So, first a little context: For some months me and my partner lived far away from each-other, and we didn’t have any direct physical contact, and then maybe a week ago we met together again in the physical and started to live with each other again. I mean, I find this place, to live close with another human being such a great place for me to face myself, because really, there is absolutely no way to run away from myself. Every little point that I hold unto will become accentuated, and it will come up in my face ready to be forgiven; and this is simply an outflow of being so close to another human being.

I mean, the general idea in society, and with human beings is that a relationship should be easy, flawless, and that any negative experience is apparently bad, and should be avoided like the pest. From my perspective this is a very limited understanding, because really, negative experiences, and especially those that come up frequently in relationships, they are simply great. Now, why do I say that?

Consider the following: what exists within you, and comes up within you, it doesn’t ever get into you so to speak, it’s not like somebody else come up to you and insert it, and say: “hey you, here you have this emotion” – no: if you observe yourself closely you will see that what you experience as negative emotions, and thoughts that come up within you, I mean they arise from within. The person that might be in your vicinity as this happens, they serve as the trigger point, they serve as the memory-activator; and as such – through their behavior, tonalities, word-usage, facial expressions, movements, decisions, eye movements, they will activate stuff within you that have been there for your entire life, and that was actually, for the most part, installed within you at a very early age – from 0 to 7 years.

etsy-is-a-haven-of-home-made-valentines-day-gifts-for-pets-warning-your-dog-might-hate-you-if-you-make-him-wear-this-18-snood-hatThus, this is why it’s such a gift to experience yourself as shit with people, and to face those really uncomfortable, and nasty experiences that come up inside: because that is YOU – the YOU you’ve tried to hide from your entire life: and this is why you’ve decided to avoid certain points in your life, certain people, contexts, and events – because they would serve as a trigger point that would force you to come face to face with yourself.

This is why I apply a simply principle in my life, and that is that I go where I face resistance, and discomfort: because what do I know? I know that these are the places where I will face the real me, the hidden, suppressed, and denied parts of myself, that I’ve forgotten and shoved into my unconscious mind to never have to be seen, or faced again: yet – in walking into this situations, or meeting particular people – here these experiences arise within me.

Thus – facing people, situations, and relationships that are difficult because they bring up difficult truths about yourself, that is the best place to be, because then you can through applying specific self-forgiveness, and walking specific self-corrective statements, correct and change yourself, and thus empower yourself to be able to stand untouchable, and unmovable in ALL contexts, situations, events, and with ALL people. That is real power – to be able to stand regardless of what comes your way.

As such I am grateful to be able to walk with my partner, and face the discomforts that arise from within, because through this I will be able to birth myself as life from the physical, in taking responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become, and correct myself into and as living stability, assertiveness, and giving life to myself, as not allowing myself to change based upon external circumstances and the energies that these points trigger.

This is also why Desteni have suggested to not avoid, or run away from relationships; but to instead face who you are within them – because you’ll be able to learn a lot about yourself!

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to myself that what I am facing in a relationship is not the other person, but it’s myself, as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become, and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself within myself, as not being in full directive control of myself as my mind, but instead being a slave to emotions, feelings, thoughts; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize the point of a relationship in order to face myself in reality, and be open with myself, and to see how it is that I exist within me, too through this be able to take a stand within myself and change myself to not anymore be moved, directed, or limited by and through the mind as emotions, feelings, thoughts, and backchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize, and understand that in living closely with another human being, I will face myself, and I will get to know all of myself, not only the fuzzy and soft parts of myself as feelings, but also the parts of myself that I don’t want to recognize, that I don’t want to see and that I’ve not directed but instead run from through my entire life; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to breath, to stabilize myself, and direct myself to start walking my shit that comes up when I am in a relationship with another, to as such stabilize myself, and perfect myself to remain stable, calm, and directive in all situations, in all contexts, and with all people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason I’ve decided to run away from relationships in my life, is not because the relationships have been bad for me, but because I’ve not been willing to face myself intimately, and directly, within and as self-honesty within them, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to face, and walk into the points in my life, and reality that I resist; in realizing, and understanding that this is where I am going to face myself – that this is where I am going to find myself, and thus be able to see myself, and through that find the necessary points to release and change through self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner, to blame another for what I experience within me, for the thoughts that come up within me, for how I accept and allow myself to be controlled, directed, and ruled by and as emotions, and feelings – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that blame is the epitome of escaping from myself, it’s the epitome and absoluteness of not wanting to face what it is that I’ve become, and how it is that I’ve created myself within and as myself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to stop blaming, and to within this dare to see, face, and direct myself in self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that blame is a back-door – it’s a way to justify one’s own limitations and saying that: “it’s not me! It’s them! It can’t be me, I am a positive human being and I shouldn’t experience myself this way!” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the bitter truth, the reality is that whatever comes up within me – it’s ME and it’s MY responsibility, and that another only serves as a trigger point to bring up dysfunctional relationships within me that I’ve created through the first 21 years of my life, mostly during the first phase of 0-7 years – as such what I am facing is myself as my unconscious mind, as that which I don’t want to admit to myself, as that which I’ve forgotten and suppressed, but that I did in-fact create as I came of age in this world, and grew up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that escaping from relationships is not a solution, because the problem is not the relationship, the problem is ME, as how I’ve designed myself through-out my life, and thus the solution is to direct, change, and move me to stand as self-perfection, as what is best for all – and not accepting and allowing myself to become unstable, to become emotional, to become possessed by and as various thought-patterns, various emotional patterns, memories, backchat, and other mind-based points that arise from within; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that being in a relationship is a perfect vantage point from which to face the mind – because here I will see myself as who I in-fact exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason as to why relationships do not become a point of support in human beings life’s, but instead a point of limitation, is because of blame, and is because neither partner want to take responsibility for their pre-programmed designs; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as the change, and stand as the point that ends this circle of limitation, to as such not accept and allow anymore limitation, anymore inferiority, any more blame – but to stand and direct my mind in realizing that the mind is my creation and thus it’s my responsibility to direct, and move the mind within and as oneness and equality HERE

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into blaming, and thinking that another creates what emerge within me, and that I am thus helpless to change, and direct, and move what goes on within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I am facing in a relationship is always MYSELF and that this facing is brutal, it’s direct, it’s though, and as such the only way to walk it through is to be equally though, equally direct, and equally to the point, being brutally self-honest with myself and in-fact forgiving myself for what I’ve created within myself as self-limitation; as such I commit myself to change myself, and utilize the relationship as a self-support to discover, and reveal all parts of myself – and take responsibility for all of myself

When and as I see that I want to hide from myself as what I am facing within, through focusing on what another is doing, through trying to in my mind think that what I face is another’s fault, and that it apparently can’t be me because I don’t experience myself like this when I am alone, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that what I face with another is always myself, and the reason why I don’t face it when I am alone, is because I’ve created layers, upon layers of protective shells, and made certain that I will not awake the beast within, but that I will remain secluded in my conscious mind and not have to experience anything of the reality of myself as what I’ve accumulated as myself during my lifetime; as such I commit myself to stop this pattern of running away and instead face myself directly, take responsibility for myself and stop blame – and realize that it’s a gift to react because it shows me who I am and opens up the opportunity for self-forgiveness, and self-directed change.

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