Tag Archives: satisfaction

Day 392: When Everything Is Fine

I have found, interestingly enough, that ‘when everything is fine’ it is a lot easier to forget about what is important in life, what we want to achieve, what we decided to set out do and what we want to build and create with ourselves. To become ‘satisfied’ can thus in many ways have a compromising effect on ones momentum/direction, because when we are satisfied it is less likely that we actively take ACTION and push ourselves to excel. For example, let us say that you striven for a long time to get a full time employment. Then, one day you get it – and you experience a deep satisfaction with yourself and your life. And obviously it is cool to enjoy and take pride in such successes, however, problems arise if you now chose to remain in that state of satisfaction – instead of pushing yourself even further with regards to your professional life. Thus – the thing to look out for with satisfaction is to make sure that we do not satiate ourselves – become self-satisfied.

I remember when the word ‘satisfied’ was discussed by Bernard Poolman on the Desteni Farm. He related the word SATIS-F–ACTION to ACTION and said that you will not be satisfied unless you have DONE something – taken ACTION in some way. I agree with and find this definition of satisfaction supportive – because in looking at satisfaction as something that will only come as a result of directive action – it clarifies the differences between satisfaction and for example laziness/apathy/listlessness.

Real satisfaction is thus only something that can come from decisive movement and action – when we move ourselves forward in life – the SATIATION/FULFILLMENT is something that we create through ACTION/MOVEMENT – and that ACTION is a point of moving through our resistances and expanding into the unknown.

This definition is also supportive when investigating why it is that we might feel unsatisfied/disappointed/empty/unfulfilled – what we can ask ourselves if this is the case is: ‘Have I done enough? Am I living my life FULLY in terms of actually creating and living/moving myself FULLY’ – because satisfaction without FULL living would be a lie.

 

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of satisfaction without taking action – where satisfaction becomes a point of laziness and apathy – where I rest because I feel comfortable with my life and my world – though where I am not pushing and challenging myself to walk through my mind – through my boundaries – through my comfort zones – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively and daily push myself to take action in relation to my process and my mind – push myself through – and create myself and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take action and within this understand that it is through taking action that I will satiate myself and create fulfillment – and hence – ACTION as pushing through my resistances – will bring fulfillment and completion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that living SATISFACTION means that I take daily action in order to fulfill my potential – my BEST – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to daily – will and move myself to fulfill and create my BEST – to utilize the tools of self-forgiveness, writing and self-commitment statements in order to bring through my best and utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that satisfaction will not come through by itself – and that if I experience satisfaction without there being any action behind my experience and stance – then it is not satisfaction – then it is in-fact a form of complacency and apathy – where I believe myself to be satisfied – while I have not in-fact in anyway pushed and willed myself to move myself beyond my limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to create myself and my life I have to push through my comfort zones, I have to push through my walls of fear, I have to push through my walls of complacency, I have to walk the extra mile and will myself to fulfill and create myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the fruit of this labor will be satisfaction – that when I make the necessary work and push through – I will be satisfied with myself

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a state of complacency, apathy and listlessness, of fake satisfaction, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fake satisfaction is – FAKE – because I have not moved myself, pushed myself, willed myself to create and move forward – and hence – I cannot trust my experience of satisfaction – it is not real in-fact – it is a mirage – because in order to be satisfied with myself I have to will myself to move beyond my comfort zones – my state of feeling fine/okay – and go beyond what I thought was possible for me – that is where I will find real satisfaction


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Day 342: Creating Expansion, Movement and Challenges

A year ago I finished my education and some months thereafter I began my first job. I have now worked at this job for about a year, and up until some months ago, I found most of the activities within my job refreshing and enjoyable. Most of the things were new to me, and hence I was challenged daily, which I loved. I had to really push, and exert myself to learn and expand. Then without much warning, I was through the difficult times. I had learned the basics of the job, and I was moving myself quite effortlessly within my responsibilities.

What then opened up was an experience of boredom. I could see that I was plateauing in my growth process, however, I did not see that as my responsibility. I thought that the fault was in my job, and that I had now learned the basics of my position, and that there was thus nothing in it for me any longer. What started to come through more and more was emotions; blame, depression, tiredness, apathy and listlessness. I did not see the enjoyment in my work anymore, because the challenge was gone.

Looking back at my life, I have had a tendency of taking on a new craft or skill, pushing myself diligently to learn and master it, and then, when I started to feel as if I was plateauing, I would give up and move unto something different. The consequence of this behavior was that I did not learn something in depth – I was a jack of all trades, yet master of none. This is similar to what I have been going through recently, where my job is no longer a novelty and does not supply me with challenges, difficulties, and points to overcome. It has become a job, something I know, and have to do, and nothing more.

Now, when I look at this point, one thing that stands out is how I have approached tasks, projects, skills, and also work, within a form of laziness. Not laziness from the perspective that I  compromised my work, though laziness in the sense that I expected and wanted my work or the project to give me a challenge. Inside my mind, I viewed the point I was walking into as a ‘fun house’ that was supposed to refresh and charge me up – however when the novelty disappeared – that did not happen anymore. Hence, I was lazy from the perspective that I expected to be moved, to be inspired, to be stimulated, to be pushed, and I did not approach to point from the starting point of ME standing the point of taking responsibility for myself, that I would challenge myself, that I would push myself, that I would find ways and seek new venues and expressions, so that I could move and further myself within the particular skill/ability/project/work.

The problem thus has never been, with reference to this instance, my work – no – it has always been my relationship to work, how I decided to approach and look at work. Challenge, novelty, movement, expansion, and pushing myself, I should never have expected that my work would give that to me. Obviously, when something is new, it will for a moment be challenging, however, when that honeymoon phase is past, I must take responsibility to push myself, and expand myself within my profession. At that point I cannot rely upon my work doing anything for me. Instead, I must take matter into my own hands and actively look at where I am able to learn more, where I am able to expand, where I can push and enhance myself, and where I am able to further my expression.

It is fascinating thus to see, that so far, the technique that I have used to challenge myself, has been to look up and try to place myself in challenging environments, through changing jobs, changing education, or committing myself to a new hobby. Even though this has supported me and spiced things up, it has also been a limitation, as I have not taken the responsibility, taken matter into my own hands, and really, diligently pushed myself to expand where I was at.

And another thing to take into consideration is that I can only become really good at something, if I do it several times. If I only skim the surface, how can I then ever become an expert in my field? It is not possible. In-fact, it is not the routine and repetition in itself that has been bothering me, the big problem is that I react to routine and repetition and believe myself to be limited and contained. Though, this is not true, even though there might be routine and repetition in my life, there is always room to expand, explore, push, improve and move further.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my job will reinvent itself, and stimulate me, and that my job is going to make my life enjoyable, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I am not able to rely upon my job, that I am not able to blame my job when I feel that I am stuck in a rut, without expanding or improving – and in-fact – the real problem is that I have not taken self-direction in my relationship with work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be stimulated instead of taking self-responsibility and looking at how I am able to stimulate myself within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be stimulated – and thus not push and drive myself to expand – to look at how I am able to empower myself – strengthen myself – push myself – and will myself to become more effective within what I am doing – and thus I commit myself to each day – look at how I can expand – to never be satisfied with where I am at – but constantly push myself to reach new heights of expression and direction – to not be satisfied with being ‘good’ at something – but push myself to become excellent within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to reach excellency – to use that as a motivation regardless of where I am at – to not accept and allow myself to be satisfied with mediocrity – to be average – to know something quite well – and quite effective – but to push myself to become an expert within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I plateau – this is when I must push myself – to look for ways in which I am able to expand and enhance myself – to look for ways in which I am able to acquire further skills – abilities – and strengths – to look at my life and critically examine it – to see if and whether I am able to do more – to see whether I am able to acquire and expand myself within some area of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame work as boring when I know it effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that work should stimulate me – instead of me taking self-responsibility and making sure that I stand as the point of stimulation – that I stand as the point of self-responsibility – that I stand as the point of pushing myself forward – placing no limits on myself – and looking at how and where I am able to expand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop a passion for life – in the sense of always looking at how I am able to expand and move myself forward to the next stage of development

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop and push myself to create a passion for expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reach and build a life where I am satisfied – not seeing, realizing and understanding, that satisfaction, oftentimes goes hand in hand with complacency – where we become lazy, and stop the process of exploration and movement that we would otherwise walk – and thus I commit myself to embrace dissatisfaction – to use it as a motivation to empower and move myself – to use it as a motivation to enhance myself – and bring myself to the next level of development

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that nothing is going to come by itself – that nothing is going to happen by itself – and that if I want challenges in my life – then I must actively pursue and create them – I must actively look at how I am able to make my life challenging – through for example – in my work – looking at how I am able to expand my understanding of work – of how I am able to take on more tasks and responsibilities at work – of looking at how I am able to really expand and become effective at my work

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself blaming my world, my reality, for being boring, not challenging, routine and repetition with no movement, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I stop – and I see, realize and understand, that for movement, change and expansion to happen, I must move myself, I must push myself, I cannot expect that things will simply happen by themselves, as they will not – and thus I commit myself to be on my toes – and to continuously be on the look out for how I am able to change myself – push and expand myself – and reach the next stage of development and expression

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for making my life challenging, expansive, fulfilling, and enjoyable – through not expecting to be stimulated – but rather – pushing and willing myself to improve and expand – constantly being on the look out for opportunities – and seizing the opportunities when they arise


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Day 129: What Happens When I Exercise?

Today I did some exercising, and in doing that I applied the techniques, and methods shared in this (https://eqafe.com/p/exercising-your-quantum-mind-with-clarity-quantum-mind-self-awareness) Eqafe Interview. What is suggested is to when exercising, to be aware of where it is the mind moves, what thoughts comes up, what backchats, what images and fantasies, because these are specific points that the mind will attempt to strengthen.

When I did my exercising I noticed that my thoughts were primarily going towards two points, and the one of these was work, career, and money – and the other was sex. More specifically, the work and career point circled around education, and I could see how I was planning for the future in my mind, trying to calculate what would be the best option, and route for me to go. In regards to the sex point, it was more specifically around the point of ‘trying to find satisfaction’ – wherein my backchat was going to various problems I experience in relation to sex, and sexuality, and in that blaming other persons, eventualities, and life in general, for my experience of myself within and as sex.

Thus, the subsequent text is dedicated to self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements on the first of these mentioned points.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan and calculate in my mind what education I should take, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these ‘planning thoughts’ are not self-directed, and that the origin of these thoughts are in-fact fear – as fear of the future – fear of the unknown – fear of survival – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not trust myself that regardless of the choice of education I make – that I will deal with the situation that arise and find a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in my education, instead placing trust in myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in money, and to place trust in the system, instead of placing trust in myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the system, money, and education to live my life for me – and hope that all will be well as long as I walk these points somewhat satisfactorily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that education, money, and the system are but tools that I am able to utilize in creating myself and my life – yet the primary responsibility always lies with me – and as such I see, realize and understand that trust must be placed within me – because I will be the point that stands and face and walk through my life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I place trust outside of myself, I am creating, and generating anxiety, and fear, because I will attempt and try to control that point outside me, all the while knowing, that this particular point can’t be controlled, and can’t be mastered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize, dream and imagine about having the perfect career, and the perfect education, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into this dream, and symbol of the perfect life, project an experience of calm, serenity, and security, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to live these words as calm, serenity, and security, I must have an education, I must have a job, I must have an income, I must have this shining, bright, and promising future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve within this separated myself from the words of calm, serenity, and security

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to live stability, and to strive to feel calm, serene, and secure in my life through attempting and trying to attain the perfect career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am limiting myself through believing that in order for me to live a life of serenity, calm and security, I must have a career, I must be hired by someone and have a job, have a family, and have a house, with a dog – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to make each moment an expression of myself wherein I decide to relax my body, to let go of that fear, and anxious and allow myself to FEEL and BE here with this moment, and as such live serenity, security, and calm – as me being serene here – fully present in this moment – as me being securely stabilized within and as my physical awareness and presence here, as me being calm and physically relaxed, not accepting and allowing any form of mind participation in myself – but that I am instead fully here – fully with the present moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how a career, and how money, and how property can’t give me what I desire, because the fact is that attempting and trying to reach these points in life is only an attempt to suppress the inherent point of fear of survival that exists within all human beings, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with, and correct the origin point which makes me go into these dreams and fantasies, which is fear of survival, fear of the unpredictable, fear of a sudden death, fear of a unpredictable death, fear of not being able to foresee my coming life and plan it to fit my desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that fear of survival is what makes me not live in the first place, thus living my life within and as fear of survival is equal and one to not living at all, thus it’s really quite ironic to fear for one’s survival while one don’t even live in the first place – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the focus, and importance of my life to actually learn to live – to actually learn to appreciate and be grateful for this physical world and the moment to moment living that it exists within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the perfect career will not save me from my own fear, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my survival, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my future, and to fear for my continued existence in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life to be all about fear, and believing that I require to protect myself from this fear, and build my life as a wall trying to remove, and separate myself from this fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simplicity of forgiving the fear, of letting go of the fear, of simply not accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear is a human creation, that fear is not natural, it’s not something that should exist within me, it’s rather something that I’ve accepted, and something that I’ve allowed to grow within me, to the point of complete possession, and complete control – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove these plants of fear within me, realizing that there is nothing in this world that can save me from fear, there is no career, no house, no salary, no future, no partner, no love, no child, no family that can save me from myself and my own self-created hell – as fear – and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to understand that when fear comes up within me – the solution is to STOP participating – to FORGIVE and let go – and not to try to protect myself from it through in my mind building the apparent ‘perfect’ protected life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I look at the future, and I look at various possibilities, as what I might do, or not do, to go into fear, and to fear that I will select and walk the wrong possibility, the possibility that will not lead me to a protected, safe, and guarded life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is no protected, secure, and guarded life, how there is in reality only the physical here – and this world and it’s nature is completely unpredictable – and as such I am in effect not able to protect myself – and as such the solution is not to build a secure future for myself – but to release myself from this possession of fear that I’ve accepted and allowed within me – and to instead push and will myself to embrace the future – and walk into the unknown – trusting myself that I will be able to deal with the situations that arise

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear of the future, and I begin to project, dream and fantasize about the perfect life, the perfect future, the secure, stable, and easy future that will make me feel so grounded, serene, and calm – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I realize that there is no future that can save me from myself – and there is not future that is a solution to fear – because fear is self-generated – self-created – self-willed – and as such I commit myself to BREATHE and to live HERE within and as the physical – and be physically calm and relaxed with my body – stable in my breathing – and as such practically live the words serenity, calm, and security – here within and as my human physical body as myself – and as such let go of the projection of these words apparently being out there in some form of career

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Day 115: No More Excuses

I am in this blog going to take a closer look at an experience of frustration that has come up as a form of blame towards others in my world within the specific context of movement and discipline.

excuseWhat I am able to see in regards to this reactions is that I react to when I perceive that others are not doing what they are supposed to be doing, or doing enough, or pushing themselves to the extent that I see they are able to push themselves – I then become frustrated because I believe that they should be, and apparently their decision to not do so impacts badly on me, and makes my process and life more difficult. Though, obviously, this pattern is not about others, it’s about me, and how I tend to justify for myself when I do not push myself as far as I am able to do.

I mean, I do see that I’ve on many levels in my life established a consistent discipline, a drive and motivation that is unconditional, wherein I on a daily basis push myself to create movement, and a flow – yet, I can also see that I’ve not yet brought this consistent discipline to it’s utmost potential – there are still points in my world where I am not living this fully and where I see that I can change myself, push myself further, and that this would have the implication of me being even more effective, and within that enable myself to truly make a difference for myself as well as for others in my life.

A fascinating point to take into consideration here is that the question as to “why” I am not pushing myself to the utmost of my abilities isn’t really relevant – instead the question should be “how” it is that I am not pushing myself to the utmost of my abilities – and within this I am able to see that the primary excuse and justification I use in order to not take this strength of mine as discipline and consistency to it’s utmost potential is the experience of tiredness, as well as the thought pattern that “I’ve done enough for today” and that “I need some time for myself to relax and just let go” – when really one can ask the question: Can I ever do enough when the earth and this existence is existent within such a dire state of consequence where there are human beings not even receiving their most basic needs required for them to sustain themselves? Obviously, if I was in their position, I would’ve wanted myself to take each and every breath, each and every day, and make the most of that day – push myself as far as I am able to go – to make sure that I do my part effectively in regards to bringing about a world change that is best for all.

Within placing myself in the position of those human beings in this world that have been robbed of all dignity and value – I see that it’s my responsibility to make the most of every day – to make sure that I push – that I dedicate myself – and that I move myself until the results of my actions and living can be verified in how the nature and existence of this world has changed.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the most of each day, to not make the most of each and every breath, to push myself to create a change both within and without – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the consequence of me slacking and not doing and walking to the fullest of my potential will be that I accumulate irritation and frustration – because I know what I am capable of walking – I know what I am capable of doing – I know what I am capable of living – yet still I am not doing this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that if I would’ve been in the shoes of those that have been robbed of all dignity and value – I would’ve wanted myself to push myself each and every day to bring forth a change both on a inner and outer level – so that nobody anymore is born into a state of living where there is food, no home, no clean water, and no opportunity to live an effective life; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make an effort to give of myself each and every day – to push myself beyond my limitations – and to not accept and allow myself to justify not doing what I am capable of through utilizing such limiting ideas such as “I’ve done enough” – or “I am too tired to do this now – I must relax and have some time for myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the time I have is valuable because I am able to utilize this time in bringing through a change within and without that is best for all – and I am able to utilize the time I have to create something of real worth and real substance – and thus to not use the time I have as effectively as possible is really a form of spite – and a form of abuse – because it’s obvious that this world is at the moment not in anyway representative of life as what is best for all – and within me being able to see this – it’s my responsibility to make sure that life is honored – that life is created from the physical – and that this earth change to become a place where life and living is honored – supported and nourished in everyway possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the most of each day – to not push myself to utilize the time at my disposal to the fullest of my abilities and make sure that I do not justify – that I do not excuse – that I do not hide from my responsibilities – which is to bring forth a change both within and without – and to make sure that I do not stop – and that I do not give up – and that I do not do less than what I am able to do – but that I instead stand up each and every morning – and make the decision to walk for life – as life – and within that create a new world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that for each and every breath I miss, for each and every day that I do not give it my all, I am creating more consequences, I am accepting and allowing this atrocity to continue and within that I am responsible for this atrocity continuing – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to each morning get out of my bed within the statement – that today I am going to give it my all – today I am going to push all boundaries – all limitations – and I am not going to justify and excuse myself – I am going to walk this fully – completely – and totally – and I am going to do this without any feeling or experience of motivation – I am going to do this because it’s a matter of self-respect – it’s a matter of self-value – it’s a matter of realizing that if I do not push myself to walk the solution I am a part of the problem and that invalidates my entire life and puts into question whether I really should continue to be on this earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to bring my strengths of discipline and consistency to their fullest expression – I require to push through the self-imposed limitations that I’ve created as tiredness, justifications and excuses – and that this process will be uncomfortable – and that I will be faced with resistance – though within this I see, realize and understand that this is the only way forward – this is the only valid way to live – this is the only valid purpose that exists – and that without walking my life to bring forth change there is really no point and meaning in existing at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not each and every day make the decision to push myself – to walk beyond my limitations – to expand myself – to better myself – to develop myself – and to give of myself and share myself in such a way that I stand as a catalyst of change – bringing forth a new world – and a new reality that is best for all – where all are able to live their life’s with dignity – where all are valued unconditionally as life because they are part of life by virtue of their birth – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as long as I don’t walk fully – completely – totally – there will be this reminiscence of dissatisfaction within me – of frustration and irritation – because I know what I am doing – and I know that I am able to do more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only do the absolute minimum and believe that I will be satisfied within only doing the absolute minimum – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will only be satisfied with myself when I each and every day push myself beyond my preconceived limitations – and that I will within this face resistance – and I will face experiences of wanting to give up – yet herein what I must see realize and understand is that these experiences can not have any power over me – and can not decide who I am unless I give these experiences power over me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this point of doing the absolute minimum – to instead deliberately within all points that I am participating in – and taking part of – doing the most I am able to – pushing myself to contribute to the fullest of my abilities and walking this point deliberately in realizing that I will not be able to be satisfied with myself – I will not be able to let go of irritation and frustration unless I push myself beyond what I believe myself to be capable of doing – unless I dedicate myself to make sure that each day I live is a day I spend in the name of creating a world that is best for all in every way – and wherein I walk this change both on the inner and outer levels of my existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not commit myself to make the most out of my time – the make the most out of my life – and to not accept and allow compromise in anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that compromise always have a consequence, and that one of these consequences is that I build and grow a dissatisfaction, irritation and frustration within me – thus I see, realize and understand that if I want to live a life of actual peace – and comfort – I must make sure that I make the most out of my life – and that I dedicate every single day – every single breath – every single moment – to bringing forth life both on an inner and outer level – both in regards to my own process of inner change – and in regards to the process of outer change wherein the world system must change in order to facilitate life as what is best for all

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into a state of justification and excuses, as to why I shouldn’t participate fully and do as much as I am capable of, as thinking that I’ve “done enough” – or that I need some “me time, and that I need to relax” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that unless I make the most out of my life, and I push myself, and dedicate myself to bring forth change both on an inner and outer level, I will never be content, I will never be satisfied, and I will never be at peace with myself; as such I commit myself to make each day count – to make each breath count – to make each moment count – and make sure that I walk each day of my life to bring forth change both on an inner and outer level

When and as I see that I am not doing as much as I am able to, and that I am compromising myself, and just doing the absolute minimum, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in only doing the absolute minimum I am creating consequences for myself, wherein I will undoubtedly become angry, frustrated and irritated, and I will start to feel dissatisfied with myself; as such I commit myself to challenge myself – and push myself – and break through my limitations and dare myself to each day expand and move beyond what I believe to be my limitations and constrains

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Day 16: Test-anxiety – Fearing Dissatisfaction (Part 6)

Because I’ve started to study for my exams I will be less active on this blog the coming weeks – and the blog posts will not be as long.

Here I will continue to write about test-anxiety – and all the aspects, and dimensions of this particular mind-experience. Today I will write about an interesting point – the fear that I will become dissatisfied with myself unless I get the best grade.

An interesting point that I am able to see in relation to this point is that I’ve defined, and experienced dissatisfaction in relation to what grade I receive – which is the same as how my environment responds to my living – and within this I’ve not considered, or looked at me being dissatisfied, or satisfied with myself – myself being who I’ve been in relation to studying for my test, and doing the test; I mean – it’s interesting that I only consider the reaction I receive to my labor, and that I don’t consider my labor within itself – and that I simply disregard that point as being not relevant, while as a matter of a fact – it’s this point that is important.

Because – the WHO I AM point – that is the point that I am directly responsible for, that is the point that I know I am able to change – the other part of how my teachers will evaluate my performance – that is a point I have less control over – and as such it’s common sense that satisfaction, or dissatisfaction with myself – should not be in relation to something that I have no control over, but be in relation to that which I do have control over – and that I am directly responsible for.

And what am I then directly responsible for in relation to my studies, and what would imply me being satisfied with myself in relation to my studies? I can see that satisfaction should be something that I experience when I’ve studied for my exams to my utmost potential – when I’ve given it my all, and I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to compromise in anyway what-so-ever – but I’ve sat down, and read what must be read – and done my preparations for the test as effectively as I am able to do – then I should be satisfied with myself regardless of the outcome of the test – because I’ve done everything that I am able to do.

Dissatisfied with myself is something that I should be when I’ve not done everything I could do – but I’ve instead been slacking, not wanting to put in the time, and effort – not wanting walk that extra mile in order to truly perfect my knowledge within a certain subject, or learn the subject by heart – knowing everything automatically and being able to repeat it without effort – because I’ve integrated the knowledge into my very flesh. This is thus when I should be dissatisfied with myself – that is real dissatisfaction – to be dissatisfied because I get a bad grade – I mean – that is not something that is directly related to WHO I AM – and as such shouldn’t be apart of my experience of myself.

Surely – the WHO I AM affects and determines my grades to a certain extent – yet there is always that point of unpredictability, and uncertainty when dealing with the education system – where you can’t be sure how the teacher have responded to your efforts of bringing through the knowledge you’ve learned – as such – this external part as the grades – shouldn’t be the foundation within which I base my experience of me – instead I should be my own foundation – and this foundation should be directly related to my movement, direction, and participation in this world – as to whether this movement of myself is what is best for all – or not.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define satisfaction, and dissatisfaction in relation to external points in my world – that aren’t directly related to WHO I AM – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself, and to really – hide from myself – to not have to see that what reactions I receive in my external world is not – or doesn’t necessarily have anything to do about me – and as such it’s not common sense to define my experience of myself – to define who I am – according to my external reality as what reactions that I receive; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring dissatisfaction, and satisfaction back to myself – and live these words in relation to ME – HERE – as self-movement – self-direction – and participation in each and every moment – defining this words according to my ability to live what is best for all – being dissatisfied when I’ve not been capable of doing this – and satisfied when I’ve been capable of doing this

Self-commitments

When, and as I see that I am defining satisfaction, and dissatisfaction in separation from myself – looking at these words through looking at how others responds to me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to bring these words back to me – and to when I look at whether I am satisfied, or dissatisfied with a particular point – to look at WHO I’VE BEEN in relation to the point – because that is my responsibility – that is my point within which I must take a stand – and as for my external reality – I am not in full control and not able to say that this point is something that I am directly responsible for – as such I commit myself to look at myself – my self-honesty – my participation – and my breath-to-breath living – when I evaluate whether I am satisfied, or dissatisfied with myself

I Am the Example That Desteni “I” Process Works!

When I started process about 3 years ago I was a wreck of fear. I seldomly spoke a word that was unconditional and not tainted with anxiety and worry. I thought about money all the time, how much money did I have? How little money did I have? Always in a constant and continuous worry and fear. Did I have enough friends? Do I have enough sexual experience? I mean, basically all the bullshit you can think off – that existed in my head and shaped the experience of me!

So, quiet fucked up. But then I found desteni and my process of purification began. Slowly I started to bring myself back to the physical and as fear or anxiety arose I breathed through it. Each time fear of money came, each time fear of the future came – I applied self-forgiveness. Or I mean, not each time – this application has actually grown with me as I’ve expanded in my process. But anyway, I’ve been quite consistent with my application of self-forgiveness and then the practical application of breathing through the shit and not re-creating it again.

And look! Look where I am at today! I mean, you can’t see it or experience it as I do, but I mean if you could – I just say wow. The experience of me, the character of me, the words that I speak, how I take decisions, how I consider implications of my participation in my world; in comparison to the old me, I am now a life rocket scientist. Meaning, my application of living is now at the level of a rocket scientist, if (apparent) intelligence was to be compared with the ability to live, and before I was a 3-year-old worm. LOL! That’s how much I’ve ‘grown’ since I began this process. Not that a rocket scientist necessarily knows anything about living, it was just an example to show my growth – from a worm to a rocket scientist.

And I mean, the experience of myself compared to before is simply astonishing. I remember that Bernard told me once on the farm, “It feels like you are dead inside”. I also experienced myself that way before. I slept 12 hours each day. I mean, I don’t feel dead anymore and I don’t sleep 12 hours each day. I don’t dread to get up in the morning anymore, I can see something new at my horizon, something that I’ve never experienced before except as a very young child. Life!

This would never have been possible without the assistance of Desteni or the courses that Desteni “I” process offer. I mean, I am the example that what Desteni say is the truth. I am the example that self-forgiveness, self-honesty and common sense are indeed the key to heaven on earth. And unfortunately I can’t invite you inside of me to see and experience the change – I would if I could!

Though, I can invite you to walk the same process that I’ve walked and as such have the opportunity to give yourself the gift that I’ve given to me. Then you don’t require looking inside of me, because you will look inside of yourself and there will be this silence and comfortableness within you, in which you simply feel at home. That is life – real satisfaction with no fear or desire and this is possible for each and everyone to experience. Our system of money, greed and fear is not the only way to live – there is another way! It’s a way to experience heaven on earth – which is you in full application of yourself as self-trust.

So, don’t wait – don’t hesitate – join desteni “I” process and discover that the meaning of life is here – as yourself – as breath – as the physical.