Tag Archives: school

Day 304: Scripting Care

When we enter into a relationships, most of us foolishly believes that our partner understands us and that we put the same meaning and value into the words we speak and behaviors we embody. This is however not the case. Even if we are similar to our partner, we must consider that we have grown up in different families, been exposed to different life circumstances, participated in different thoughts, and built our inner coping mechanisms in a variety of different ways. As such, when we look at the details of two individuals, regardless of how much in love they might feel, they are very different.

This is in itself not a problem, unless we assume that our words mean the same as our partners words, and we furthermore take for granted that no work or effort must be invested into establishing an equality and mutual understanding when it comes to words and their meanings. Recently I have faced some conflicts in my agreement due to how I have had one definition/application/understanding of the word CARE and how my partner had another. The fascinating thing about this conflict is that we simply could not understand one another. While I acted/lived in one way, and thought of this as normal, my partner would interpret and see this behavior a completely different way – and the reason? We had not created an equal understanding/application/definition of the word care.

Now, in looking at the word care I realized a peculiar thing. I have not ever had care expressed/lived in my world the way in which my partner has. For me, the word CARE did not imply, for example, hugging, being concerned, being affectionate with physical touching, and I interestingly enough had NO reference at all to this word and HOW to live it in the physical – I felt like a blank slate. And this is important to realize with physical living – we are only that which we have programmed/designed ourselves to be. If we have not consciously made an effort to develop ourselves as a certain word, and we have not been exposed to that word during our developmental years, we will most likely NOT be able to live/understand/express that word effectively in thought, word and deed. This is why parents hold such an important responsibility to effectively develop and expand themselves in their application and living of words, as they will transfer these skills/abilities to their children. And this does not happen consciously – it happens on a quantum level – immediately – as children are like sponges – sucking up all the information in their environment and then form their own personality designs using this information.

As such, because I had not been exposed to the word care, because my parents had not effectively developed the expression of CARE to its full potential, I could not understand what my partner was telling me, when she asked me to become more caring. Words are powerful tools, and when developed, expanded and refined, they are the building blocks of a successful human being – and this goes with all areas of life. From relationships to career – it is all a matter of the words we live and understand.

Because I was a blank slate with regards to the word CARE – I have now pushed myself to redefine, live and expand my application in relation to this word. And here, the process of creation is similar to that of acting. In order to change my living behavior, I require a SCRIPT – and this SCRIPT must be designed to be initiated through certain CUES – thus giving myself CLUES as to WHEN it is effective and supportive to apply/live/express myself as the word care. For example, when I can see that my partner is stressed/anxious/worried – this is a CUE to instigate the SCRIPT of CARE – where I for example – decide to sit down and communicate with my partner to hear her out – or where I go and hug my partner to offer my physical presence as a point of stability. Hence, to create myself as a new word, I require to DEFINE for myself what that word is, how it is applied, and lived IN THE PHYSICAL – this becomes my SCRIPT – that I then put into creation when and as I see that it will lead to a supportive outcome that is best for all. And this is the fascinating, and empowering process of self-creation using words. And when partners do this together, the relationship will flourish, expand and become fulfilling.

For anyone wanting to create their lives and themselves to be the best I suggest investigating the process of redefining words – it is a essential life skill to learn in order to build sustainable, effective, and stable life structures. Check out the School of Ultimate Living for courses on redefining words.

Some suggested reads:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-116-re-defining-words-to-living.html

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-5-in-beginning-was-god.html

Day 294: Why Winning Is A Limitation

Is winning something good? Does winning benefit and support us in our expression?

It is normal to view winning as a positive experience. Winning is something most people strive towards, in various ways. Winning in our career through getting the best job, winning in our personal lives through having the best partner, winning in our education through having the best marks, and so on. Winning is a lifestyle that has become particularly accentuated in our fast paced lives. Though, there is a backside to winning, something that is easily missed or shunned, as the experience of winning is so tempting, exciting, and positive.

I will take an example from my own life which shows that becoming obsessed with, and defining oneself according to the experience winning is in-fact a limitation. It goes back to my years in elementary school. It was easy for me in school and I managed to get comparatively good marks. I was not necessarily the best, however, I was doing good – good enough for me to see myself as a ‘winner’. Then came a big change in my life, as my parents decided that our family was to move to another part of our country. I had to start a new school, and in that, I was now marked according to new standards. In this new school, I did not achieve the marks I had hoped for, and consequently, I went into an experience of feeling like a loser, and being depressed because I did not win anymore. This led me to struggle, fight, and push so that I could move myself forward in school, and get better marks again. To some extent I succeeded with achieving better marks at my new school, and again I went into that comfort zone of feeling like a winner – comparatively good at what I was doing.

Now, some might ask, what is the problem with this? You were quite good at school, had some problems, and then sorted it out, what is the story?

The problem is the fact that my drive, ambition, and push was always defined within the limits of energy and how I felt. I only pushed myself to excel and become better when I felt like I did not match my peers. Only then did it become relevant for me to go through the trials and tribulations to actually expand myself – and that is a LIMITATION. The fact is that, the moment we base our feeling of ourselves through comparison against others, we put a cap on our ability to excel, and expand. We only go as far as is required to feel feel good about ourselves, though not as far as we are able to take it.

Later in my life I decided to study law, and during this period of time I came to realize some important points about learning, self-expansion, and self-creation. I realized that if I want to become really good at what I am doing, I cannot use others as a benchmark. Instead, I must listen to myself, and be self-honest – I must be willing to admit to myself when I am not living to the utmost of my ability and then have the discipline to actively change myself. Having this perspective, studies, learning, work, and career becomes about self-perfection – it becomes about being the best that you are able to be – where there is no comparison – because you do it for yourself. That is also the definition of self-fulfillment – where you fill yourself through challenging yourself, through actively moving forward, through tirelessly looking at where, and how you can push yourself to become more.

Winning as such is a limitation because in making winning the focus you loose touch with yourself and your own potential. In winning, you have to conform to standards of what is considered right, and wrong – however your fullest potential might not even be able to be compartmentalized in such limited words as right, and wrong. Consider for example the work of Bruce Lee. He did not become the best karate or kung fu practitioner – instead he developed his own martial arts where he could express his own unique movements and physical characteristics fully. The same is true with any form of skill or ability that is being developed. To find and realize our full potential, we must do it for ourselves, we must listen to ourselves, and be open to what comes through from within.

The solution to this problem of being addicted to and driven by the desire to win is as such to let ourselves lose. Let go of the hierarchy, of who is the best, and who is the worst, and let us instead look at who we are, and how we can become the best version of OURSELVES. Let us find that innate and deep drive to develop and realize ourselves and make it the quest in all aspects of our lives to find out how much more we be.

Day 214: Stress and Success

I’ve now for about a week been working with a stress-experience in relation to studies and work, due to this experience becoming too much – and I saw that I required acting and doing something about it.

Thus I listened to the Atlanteans interviews that covers this point of stress – great interviews for anyone facing a similar point. In this they share how to sound the self-forgiveness in order to break through and penetrate the stress energy – it’s a specific sound – though to get the details you’ll have to invest in the interview yourself.

Anyway, I’ve been playing and working with this sound – that briefly can be described as a decisive sound – and I’ve noticed how it’s a very effective tool to use for me to stabilize and enable myself to move through the stress reaction as it arise within. I’ve also seen that the stress-reaction doesn’t have anything to do with my environment, my job, or my studies in themselves – rather this reaction is merely a automated coping mechanism – it doesn’t serve any purpose at all in terms of actually getting things done, caring for my survival and creating my future.

Thus – it’s fascinating to see how I’ve relied on stress to drive me forward in life, and to be my motivation – and actually trusting stress to be a effective motivation for me to move – though stress is not needed to get things done. No – the only thing that is needed, is me making the decision, then walking the point – and when being free from stress and fear – this makes me much more capable of focusing and concentrating on the task at hand – and producing a quality result – instead of stressing through the point only to get it done – and in that doing it halfway.

When I don’t stress – but rather move through the point in breath – naturally and comfortably with my body – then time actually slows down and even though I move slower – I do get more things done. Obviously this goes to show the capacity of self-expression that opens up when we stop our mind – because then we’re able to bring our full awareness into reality and actually be HERE with what we are creating. That point of being HERE with the physical in the process of creation is what allows for real effectiveness to step forth – and this is something that can only happen without stress, without tension, without worry, and without fear – because it’s a natural state of being – it’s the physical body expressing itself at it’s fullest potential without any mind interference.

The quintessence of this blog and my realization is thus that – the less I stress – the more success I’ll have in my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as future projections of what I have to do – and in my mind play out the various tasks that I have before me – or that I think I should do – in I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate such tasks and points with stress and go into stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stressed when and as I have things – tasks before me that I require to handle – direct and walk through – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am saving time through going into stress – and that through stressing and moving myself in this stress I will be able to get more things done – and I will do the things that I require attention and thus secure my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate taking care of my survival within this world with stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stressed when and as I involved with my studies, or my work – or any other point in relation to creating a future for myself in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and motivate myself with stress – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I don’t in-fact need stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don’t need or require stress to create myself, my future and my life in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that without stress I’d have no willpower and no momentum to create myself – and that I would just slack and slouch – and loose my movement and direction – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate movement and direction with and as stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy my parents – and the way they moved and directed themselves in their lives – where they moved themselves with stress – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the point of moving myself with stress – of believing that the only way to get things done fast – effectively – and specifically is through utilizing stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself too when I plan my day – and look at the tasks I’ve before me – and that I require to complete and move myself through – to go into stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate planning my day – structuring and sectionalizing my day with stress – and believe that to be effective and specific with time I require to be stressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can move and direct myself through my life – create myself and my future – plan my day and my time – utilize my moments throughout the day effectively without giving into stress – without using stress as a fuel for me to move forward in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stand as momentum and drive to create myself and my future – to create my life – and see, realize and understand that the only thing I need is making a decision – deciding what I am going to do and then doing it

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into stress as I am about to start my day, or begin with my studies, or go to work, or plan my day – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how it’s in no way needed for me to stress in order to effectively walk my day – structure my responsibilities – and define what I require to do and then plan my day accordingly – all I need and require to do that is myself – and making a decision about what I am going to do – and then walking that decision; thus I commit myself to change stress – into seeing what there is I require to do – then making a decision to walk the point and do it without any experience of stress – rather simply doing it

When and as I see that I am going into stress, because I think that there are many points ahead of me that I require to direct, and walk through, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that there is no need or requirement for me to stress in order to get done what I require to get done – and thus a more common sense direction would be to prioritize what I must do – then plan my time so that I can practically walk through and direct the points – and make sure that I have enough time to walk the points with quality – and thus I commit myself to practically look at the time at my disposal – and prioritize my tasks – and then walk them one by one in breath – and not stress about what I’ve not done – but rather be here and do what it is that I am doing here – thus placing my focus and attention on what I am creating and shaping here as my life

Day 203: Interacting as Equals

Today I’ve spent my time at the library and I’d like to discuss a point that opened up in this environment.

So, in this place I meet many half-acquaintances – which are people that I’ve walked with in a course or two here at the university, but that I’ve not developed any closer relationship with. Now, what happens as I walk about in the library is that I will meet one of these people – and the moment this happens I will experience a slight but distinct surge of anxiety coming up in my solar plexus.

What I’ve found, as I’ve observed this point more closely, is that the fear is in relation to how I should behave with that particular person – should I say hi? Should I wave at them? There is as such an insecurity existing within me as to what type of relationship I have with the other persons, and a fear of misreading the relationship and then doing the so-called wrong thing. What is prominent here is thus the fear of how another is going to perceive me, what another is going to think of me, and how I’m going to be placed and defined in the life of another.

Thus, what is even more interesting is that certain individuals will trigger an even greater experience me, these will be the individuals that I in some way experience and see as being superior and more valuable than what I am. For example today, one of my former classmates appeared before me – and in that moment this grappling fear emerged, as I was paranoid about whether I should look up and say hello, or whether I should just continue to focus on what it was that I was doing – and obviously here – the main concern in that moment was what HE would think or experience towards me.

The problem here is as such not that I don’t interact with others sufficiently, say hello, or recognize another, the problem is the starting point – the WHY and HOW – because even though I might say hello to this individual, if it’s done from a starting point of fear it’s still not self-honest, there is still no actual expression coming through – and thus the first point to handle and walk through must be to stop the fears and stabilize myself – and also to make sure that I am stable regardless of how I perceive that another experience themselves – because that must not influence and effect my expression – I must stand as that point of direction that I decide who I am in every moment of breath regardless.

In standing in such a position – the point won’t anymore be whether I should or shouldn’t say hello to someone – it will instead be – WHO AM I HERE? What is my point of self-honesty in this moment of breath? Do I want to say hello to this person? Would it be best for all to recognize and engage in a relationship with this person? Would this moment be supportive for me as well as the other? In that changing the starting point from fear – to practical self-honest assessment in the moment – looking at what is practical and effective – and not upon what I “should do” on the basis of comparing contrasting fears and weighing which one of the actions I fearsthe least – because that is simply not common sense at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear and anxiety when I meet people that I don’t know where I have them – in terms of reading them and seeing whether they consider me as a friend or not – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pressure and a fear of acting ‘wrong’ around them – of behaving ‘badly’ around them – of not making the right decisions, saying the right things, and being generally likable around them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anxiety and fear of how others are going to perceive me and think of me if I say hello, or wave at them, and they don’t see me as a close relative inside their mind – and rather think that I am strange and erratic in my behavior – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be accepted by others and have my behavior be considered normal and sane – and that I am seen by others as being exactly as I should

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others and think that they are much more socially acceptable and representable in comparison to me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as being inferior and less than others and that I must read them and have them give me signs of where I stand in relation to them – and what is an acceptable way of behaving and what is an unacceptable way of behaving – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach situations from within and as the context of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach other people from within and as a starting point of self-diminishment – and seeing them as someone that is giving me something that I must have in order to continue my existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approach social situations and people from a starting point of equality – in realizing that I have an equal worth and value and that regardless of how another perceive me – my value remains the same – stable here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach social situations from within and as a starting point that there is something for me to loose – that I am able to loose my face and my position – that I am able to loose my value unless I interact with these other people as good as possible – and create the best impression of myself that I am able to give – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I believe that others see in me – and think that this is my only value – how others see me – what others think of me – and that I must protect and defend this value at all costs – and that it will be the absolutely greatest loss for me if I was to lose that point of support in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I approach others and social interactions from within and as a starting point of inferiority – then I will not be able to create a real and substantial relationship with the other person – and rather the relationship will be based upon – and limited within and as experiences of fear – and that I will shape and form myself in an attempt to satisfy and be likable to another – instead of letting my real and genuine expression as who I am come through – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let the real me come through and be the starting point of me initiating and creating relationships with others – that I stand stable here with myself – stable in breathe and physical movement – and that I approach others from this starting point of equality

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of anxiety, and that I am approaching another from this fear of not being accepted, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear limits me and how I am and will determine the entire interaction – and that I won’t express myself genuinely when approaching others from a desire to be accepted and get something out of it – and thus I commit myself to practice approaching others from a starting point of equality – and practically physically apply this – through when making a decision to approach another – to stabilize myself here – find my point of silence – and then make a decision as to whether to approach another or not – and remain stable in that movement of myself walking up to another and speaking with them – standing in that point of me being an equal in value

When and as I see that I am going into fear when faced with people, in fearing that they are disliking me, or forming some judgment of me, because they don’t see and consider me as sufficiently, and enough likable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the main relationship for me to care for and nourish is that with myself – and that thus the point to really be aware of is to make sure that I don’t accept and allow any self-hatred within me – and fearing what others think of me and being possessed and controlled by that fear is self-hatred and makes it impossible to create any relationship; thus I commit myself to make sure that I am a friend and companion of myself – that I support and nourish myself and my relationship with myself – and thus that I don’t look for this in others – but that I give it to myself – and that I do this through stopping thoughts of believing that I require to venture out there in order to get myself back

Day 190: Remember The Context!

Recently I’ve had several occasions when I’ve gone into a state of paranoia and fear due to perceiving and believing that someone dislikes me – and this is usually triggered by for example: Someone looking at me with a stern face, or me asking something that is not answered, or someone not paying attention to me in the way I perceive to be correct.

What happened yesterday was that I in class stretched my hand up in the hopes of my teacher picking me to answer one of his questions – though that didn’t happen and instead someone else got the honor of answering. The first place that my mind went to was that there was something wrong with me, that I’d done or said something wrong, that the teacher thought I was stupid, or that I’d somehow offended him, and this was his revenge. Obviously – the fascinating point here is that all of the above ideas are inferred from the one premise that ‘It’s about ME!’ – it’s PERSONAL.

Though, I can’t possibly be sure precisely why my teacher didn’t pick me to answer his question, and even though his reason was that he didn’t like me, why should I accept and allow that to have an affect on my presence and expression in school? I mean – I am not in school to get positive feedback from teachers – I am there to learn and educate myself in various subjects – and the more effectively I’m able to fulfill that purpose the better.

This is also an interesting aspect of taking things personal – that when we take things personal we become forgetful of the purpose or context of an event or moment. An example would be work – and the interaction with colleagues – because what I’ve noticed with myself is that suddenly the social life of the workplace starts taking precedence over the work I produce – and how others are towards me and how I personally experience myself comes into the foreground – not seeing that the context or purpose of being in employment is to effectively direct and move a particular point to completion (production).

Thus – the social life should obviously be in the backseat – and be there more as something that is done at breaks or when a project has been finished – but not be the main point that defines my entire experience and movement in a particular employment.

The same with school – the same with listening to my teacher – I am not there to be liked or establish social circles – I am there to learn – and I should rather establish my network and relate to the teachers from this perspective – looking at what will enhance and quantify my learning and comprehension of the material – it’s from that starting point I should move.

What I am able to see is that I require working and going deeper into this aspect of giving value to social life – and what others think of me – realizing that when I do this – I compromise the actual purpose of why I’ve placed myself in a particular point or position.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my teacher doesn’t assign me to answer his questions – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my educational environment personal – to make it about me personally – to make it about me wanting and desiring to have friends and to be liked by others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain within the actual purpose and context of placing myself in that particular position – which is to educate myself and learn – and not to be liked – not to win – not to gain favor from the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself within and as the purpose and context of why I’ve placed myself in a particular point – and realizing that when I am at work – I am there to produce an effective and precise product – and I am not there to gain friends or to be liked – the same with my teacher – that I am there to learn from him and acquire a particular understanding and comprehension of a subject – not to be liked and to feel favored by him – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally – and make things personal – instead of remaining objective and aligned within and as the context of the moment and the purpose of my position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and make things personal in school – and at work – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is ignoring me – or not paying attention to me the way I want them to – as being enthusiastic and enjoying me – to then take it personally and react – and think that they are being mean to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into and as a troubleshoot mode – wherein I am trying to locate what is wrong with me – what is at fault with me – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not about me personally and that what another do or doesn’t do – is not reflecting that there is something wrong or bad with me that I must immediately correct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being flawed and inferior in my expression – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone seems to dislike me – and ignore me – or not pay attention to me as I want to – to then believe that there is something wrong with me that I must immediately attend to and direct and make better – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make myself better so that others are going to like me – so that I can feel more at ease and comfortable with myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to give that point to myself – of accepting and allowing myself to like and love myself – and be at ease and comfortable with myself – without necessarily needing anyone to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I push to get attention from another – and then I am seemingly being ignored – to immediately go into thoughts and backchat of thinking that there is something wrong with me – and wonder what mistake that I’ve made in order to make someone dislike me this much – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it doesn’t even have to be about me – and that when I go into this troubleshoot mode – I am working with assumptions and ideas – and not the actual practical physical reality that is here – and thus I commit myself to stop such troubleshooting mind pattern – and see that it’s in-fact a form of self-judgment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of taking it personally, believing that someone dislikes me, or doesn’t want me in their world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I don’t need or require anyone to like me, appreciate me, or feel pleasured by me, I instead require stable and sound relationships so that I can walk through my days effectively and handle my responsibilities – and thus what is important is that I direct my responsibilities and my life – that I commit myself to my studies – my work – and my other points of responsibility – and that I align and direct myself from this starting point; and thus I commit myself to stop taking things personally – and instead look at the context of the moment and the purpose of my position in that moment – and align myself to go in that direction and thus not make my relationships with other emotional – but rather practical and supporting what I’ve set out to do and create in life

Day 170: Successful people… and ME!

Today I was hanging out with some friends and we were discussing career and future decisions, and appropriately enough, we happened upon the subject of what jobs we’ve had in the past. My friend then shared with me that he’d been to a renowned firm, a company that is big, and have a celebrated past, and actually: most of my fellow classmates probably have dreams about setting their foot in such workplace.

When my friend shared this with me I got literally stung with jealousy, I mean, it came up nothing short of a punch in my solar plexus area – and the nature of the experience was: NO! – lol – “He got it and not me!” – “I wanted to get it!”.

As they day continued, I noticed these peculiar thoughts popping up in my mind, where I could see that I compared myself to my friend, looked at my past, my education, my decisions, my life in general, and what type of opportunities that I’d manifested for myself, and then compared these with what I heard about my friend. And in doing this, I could see that I was taking myself into a experience of gloominess, and depression, and it felt as if I was attacking myself within, punishing myself that I didn’t create myself in the same way as my friend, and that I thus didn’t make sure that I go the same type of job, and the same type of life that my friend was about to step into.

So, if I take this back to common sense, and look at it, I am able to see that this friend of my represents my desires, and he shows me very clearly where I still exist within a state of competition, a state of fear, and a state of survival, and where I try to get ahead of others in order to feel good about myself, and to prove myself – and this is obviously not the point in life, it’s obviously not the point of why I am here – I mean, what purpose does it in-fact serve to get a super-good job, only to have that job and to feel better than others? It’s really meaningless and probably one of the big reasons why we human-beings have never managed to actually change anything in our world, because we’ve always been super-concerned with wanting to win, compete, and survive – so super-concerned that we’ve totally forgotten ourselves, our world, this system, our responsibilities and how it is that we’re affecting life on this planet with our actions.

Thus, my self-forgiveness today will be directed towards this particular point of competition, the competition that leads into jealousy, the jealousy being that point of feeling like a looser because another have something that I desire and want – and in this case: having a position in the world system that I’ve defined as envious and desirable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous at another for having a job that is considered to be advantageous and desirable in the world system, and that is seen as being connected with having status, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to place myself in an equal position as this other person, and have a similar job, and have a similar career, and be in the top of the system, so that I am able to feel like I am winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my decisions, and movement in life on the basis of wanting to be a winner, and wanting to come out on top and in this not care about life, about this world, about humanity in its entirety but only care about myself, my desires, my experiences, and my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way wherein I only care about myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a desire of wanting to place myself in the top brackets of the system, and have a job that others see as desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress upon others and show them how much status and power I’ve in the system so that I can feel like I am winner, and that I am better than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this particular point is coming from within and as a desire to be special, and to be unique, and to be termed, defined, and seen as a winner, and as being more than others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied and content with being equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist equality, because in equality no one is better than another, no one has more stature, status or power than another, all are on the same level, and all are of the same value and worth, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in competition, desire, and wanting to be the best, instead of realizing that my life will not contribute to anything when and as I accept and allow this to be my starting point, and my direction in life, and what I want to have, and what I want to create, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my focus, and my direction, to instead start caring about others, start appreciating others, and making my life to be about changing, and contributing, and making a difference, and creating a life of worth, and value in this world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a dog in a dog eat dog world – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this game, to identify and define myself according to this game, and to believe that the only way to lead one’s life in this world is through playing this game, and making sure that I win this game, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body, and instead of living to win, live in such a way that I make everyone a winner, that each person that comes into my world is an equal, that each human being that exists in this world is an equal and thus deserves an equal opportunity, and an equal life, just as I do – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the desire and strife to become more than others, instead of focusing my life upon how I am able to assist and support others, how I am able to assist and support life to come through, and become something more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a glorious career wherein I am seen by others as having a perfect life, having the perfect girlfriend, having the perfect family, having the perfect intellect, having the perfect personality, being successful and famous in each and every instance and part of my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to change my striving, and instead strive to create, and found a difference in this world – and make my life to be about something tangible, something that I am able to touch, and have impact in this life, not only living for myself, and having my life become perfect, and desirable, but creating a life for all that is truly respectable, and dignified, and that all enjoy and where no one is compromised or left behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire my life, and my future to be perfect, so that I can brag to others about, and feel superior, and above others in how effective, and strong I was in creating my perfect future, and my perfect life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in desire, instead of making the focus in my life to be about contributing to an existence, and a world, and a life that is heaven on earth – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to align my mind, and my daily living, and my daily considerations to take into account this aspect of actually making something worthwhile with my life, wherein worthwhile is not only something that means that my life is to be the best that it can be, but that I contribute to make sure that everyone’s life is the best life that they can possibly have – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that having an active mind is really only showing me that I am still selfish and that I don’t really care about another – and thus I commit and push myself to start caring about life – start caring about others – and making me an instrument of life that is here to contribute to life and a future that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my life, with my future, and with my career, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without consideration, without regard, without care, only focus on myself, instead of accepting and allowing myself to expand my perspective, and my view to include this world, humanity, earth, the animals, and everything that is here, and realize that in order to live a fulfilling life I require to give as I’d like to receive, I require to be a catalyst that makes life worthwhile not only for myself but for everyone in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to walk out of my self-interested mind and into physical equality – wherein I look at another as myself, I place myself in their shoe’s and I accept and allow myself to take responsibility for this world and how it has ended up looking – and as such commit myself to become a contributory force that lives to expand and create a life that is best for all – that means something – and that allows for life to flourish and grow to it’s utmost potential

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into future projections, wherein I dream about my career, about my life, my future, my potential, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it’s through these dreams that I separate myself from the rest of humanity, from the rest of this existence, and from the rest of earth, and that in order to really contribute, I require to let go of my ego and my desire to win, and be special; and thus I commit myself to train myself to consider others, to care for others, and I commit myself to make my purpose in life to be that of contributing to the lives of others and to life on earth

I commit myself to daily selfless acts wherein I participate, walk and move myself to bring about a world that is best for all – where I act – and I move not for my own pleasure or satisfaction – but for the betterment of everyone – to create a world that is magnificent

I commit myself to expand my viewpoint and to include the rest of this world – and I commit myself to first train this point with learning to care about those closest to me in my world – and learning to show, share and live compassion with those that are in my immediate environment – and then expand this point to include the rest of this world and humanity

Day 169: I Look Like an Actor!

Today I faced a reaction that played out in a humorous way. So, the context was the following: I was hanging out with some people, and we were discussing, interacting and participating – suddenly one of the individuals points out that I look a lot like an actor – and in that moment I immediately reacted in feeling boisterous, and swell – “HAHA I look like an actor!” – was my initial thought; that must mean I look really good!

Then the humorous twist entered into the picture, because the individual then proceeded to show me a picture of the actor I looked like, and to my disappointment the actor was an man in his fifties that wasn’t at all particularly attractive or good looking – and when I saw that I had this strong reaction of embarrassment as well as disappointment. What came up within me was also a form of tension in my chest area – and that was fear – the fear of being laughed and ridiculed in-front of others as not being attractive – but instead looking old and ugly.

Thus, in this blog I will work with this particular reaction that came up as anxiety, fear and embarrassment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to how I look, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire others see me as beautiful, as a movie-star, as something that stands out as having a unique appeal, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become happy, and feel excited when and as I believe that someone is commenting on my appearance positively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, anxiety and embarrassment when and as someone points out that I don’t have that picture perfect appearance and that I instead look old, and ugly, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have others see me and value me according to my appearance, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my appearance is my everything, and that what people think of me is the most important thing in my life and that I as such require to look like a movie star and have people in my world think positively of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that others are to comment upon me positively – and to speak of my looks positively – and to when and as they look at me – they are going to be impressed with me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed within and as my desire to impress upon others with how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of my past wherein my mother commented upon how I looked, and she said to me that I was beautiful and more so than others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to this memory, and think of myself that because my mother defined me, and told me that I was beautiful, and I had a positive experience in relation to this, that because of this it meant that I require to search and walk in my life in search for attempting and trying to re-create that experience and again have someone speak to me and tell me that I am beautiful and attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to have others care for me, and like me through me being attractive, and likable, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a positive experience, to search for a positive energy confirmation wherein my appearance is confirmed by another as being attractive and sexual, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself self-care, and self-love, and give to myself this point of being calm and at ease with myself regardless of how I look, or how others perceive me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require another to make me whole and to give me a warm feeling of care, and comfort, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of my mother commenting on my exterior, and saying to me that I am attractive, and beautiful, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed and controlled within and as this desire to be accepted and hold by another and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself – and comfort myself – and accept and allow myself to stop searching for someone to comment upon me and create a feeling within me of me being whole – and that I instead in every moment breath myself back into my body and realize that I am here – that I am whole – that I am already what I require and what I need and that I don’t have to have someone comment positively on my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried, concerned and nervous as to how others judge my exterior, as to how they judge how I smell, as to how they judge how I move myself, participate and speak – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, and be on a constant search, and mission to attempt and try to be accepted by others, so that I can feel comforted, and cared for – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not comfort, and care for myself – and give myself that unconditional acceptance – that unconditional love of not anymore trying to fit in and be accepted and gain attention for something in my life – or how I look – or what I do – but that I am instead worthing myself unconditionally and that I stop trying to fight in order to become someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to how others look, and go into and as a competition with others, specifically males, wherein I want to show and prove to others that I have the most attractive exterior and appearance, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value will come from me being seen as attractive, and as having a beautiful appearance, and having someone comment upon that – and that this is the only way that I’ll be able to stand up in this world and make something out of myself – through proving and showing to others that I am the most beautiful – and that I am the most attractive – and that I am the most desirable – in believing that my value is relative to the value I believe others have assigned to themselves

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am defining myself according to how I look, I stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am not limited nor defined by how I look – I decide my value, my worth and my purpose, not how I look – and thus I commit myself to breath myself back in my physical body – and be here physically with my touch, with my breath, with my senses, and feel my physical body and realize that this is what is real – not the image and the experience of my image that I have coming up in my mind

I commit myself to stop searching for someone to notice me and I commit myself to apply this point of me noticing myself as who I am – as a being – as someone that goes beyond looks and exterior appearance – and see that there is more to me than this – and thus I commit myself to value myself as how I express myself and how I walk and participate physically here – and not define myself through an image

Day 103: Real Value and Real Success

Since writing out my experiences in regards to the future I’ve noticed a definitive decrease in fear and anxiety – and this point was also present as I was writing my exams, even though I was nervous, there still was a stability within me, and I did not go into a state of acting in complete nervousness, I could still remain calm, and use common sense, and within this I am satisfied in terms of how I executed my exam.

Today I am going to continue writing on this topic of anxieties and fears in regards to career, school and exams – and today I am going to look at the point of how I am able to change and re-direct my starting point in relation to school and career, so that when I push myself to perfect myself, I do this not to gain a particular response as recognition, but I instead do it as and for myself.

This reminds me of an essay I wrote a couple of weeks ago, as I wrote it I was meticulous, I was precise, and the finished product was as near perfection as I could’ve gotten, yet still the mark I achieved wasn’t what I’d expected but lesser. I discussed what had happened with a being in my world, and she brought up the point of realizing that, in essence we’ve got no control over how others will interpret and respond to the work we produce, and that as such, the point to place value within is not how others respond, but in looking at ourselves, and whether we’re in-fact satisfied with our own creation – did we move ourselves in alignment with our fullest potential, is this work, this thing, an expression of myself, or only a robotically spit out piece of paper I’ve done just to get by?

See, the difference in the approach is that in writing from a starting point of myself, the paper I write become an expression of myself, and thus within that I can be satisfied with myself in knowing that I did push myself to make this product, this paper, a true expression of myself that I can stand by, because I can self-honesty say that I did give it my all, I did push myself to the utmost, and the creation is from the perspective, perfect; looking at it this way it obviously doesn’t matter what mark I will receive, what grade I will receive, because I know – that what I did was truly a masterpiece – a expression of myself – and this stands regardless of how I am evaluated in the system.

This point is cool, because in walking from this perspective, obviously there can’t be fear of loss, because I do not want a specific response, it’s not about how others react, it’s about me, and me pushing myself to express myself and not accept and allow anything less from myself than what and who I am.

Thus, in this I will change career, and school, from being a point of searching for recognition, to instead being a point of me express myself, perfecting myself, and becoming more effective and specific in the skills I have developed and in developing new skills.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in terms of my commitments and responsibilities that I am walking and handling in this lifetimechange my starting-point – from wanting and desiring to be accepted and recognized, to instead walk my commitments and responsibilities from a starting point of me perfecting myself, me creating myself, and me expressing myself, and me not accepting and allowing anything less from myself than what I am able to stand as and express as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in regards to my interaction and relationship with my school, and career, change the definition of the word success, to instead of being targeted to getting somewhere “out there” – realize that success is an expression of myself, is something that I can give myself, and that it’s not about what I become and do out there, but it’s about what I will accept and allow from myself and what-not – what I will push myself to stand, live, and walk as in my daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in instead of placing value in what response I receive, to place value on who I am, and how I walk, and how I apply myself in every moment, that this will remove anxiety, stress and nervousness, because then it’s not anymore about how others see me, it’s about me relationship with myself, which can’t be lost, because it’s HERE, and I have full control over this relationship, in that I decide to develop it, I decide to create it, I decide to perfect – and thus it’s not a want – it’s a simple practical point of being HERE with myself – and applying myself here to the fullest of my capabilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the solution is to shift my attention, from what I can out there, to instead see who I am here, how I walk here, and to within that, be self-honest with myself and strive to perfect myself and stand and walk to the best of my ability in every given moment

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into nervousness, anxiety, and fear in regards to what type of response I will receive on my application in the system, in regards to studies, career, and relationships – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the solution is to change my perspective – and to look at, and develop my relationship with myself – to place value in who I am, in how I walk, and in how I apply myself; as such I commit myself to place value in my application of myself, and accept and allow myself to be satisfied with myself, when and as I know that I’ve walked to the utmost of my capabilities, and perfected a point – walked a point to the fullest of my potential – that is real success and not dependent upon how others respond or react to how I walk

When and as I see that I am worrying, and going into fear in regards to how other will respond to my application, on how others will see, experience and feel about my participation and contribution in regards to points I am walking in my world, then I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that real value doesn’t exist in how others respond to me, but it exists within my application, as the WHO I AM, as the what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow; and thus I commit myself to value myself, my participation, my discipline, my commitment, and my decision to walk, and how I am walking – and to develop this relationship with myself, and stop focusing upon how others respond and feel in regards to what I do

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Day 82: Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!

School – such a cool place for facing the mind as what I’ve become, as mental patterns, head on.

wrong-pano_13178Today I faced myself going into a character that I will name the “I am wrong-character” – and this point activated as I excitedly stretched my hand into the air during my lesson, and proceeded to answer a question, but then it turned out that my answer wasn’t correct. Hence, I experienced myself dismayed, and noticed a particular heavy energy in me. This energy is more specifically the energy of depression, and uselessness, because apparently I require my teacher’s approval, for me to not go into a dismayed state of being in relation to my studies. This is obviously not something that have to exist within me, and thus I am able to change my experience towards answering questions in school, wherein I won’t go into a positive state of being when my teacher recognizes me as being right, and I won’t go into a negative state of being when my teacher tells me that I am wrong; I will simply be the same, and within that look objectively at the information my teacher is relaying, and accordingly align myself so that I have the correct understanding of the course-material I am immersing myself within.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of and as dismay, depression, and feeling useless, when and as I perceive that I’d been wrong, and that I’ve not answered a specific question from my teacher correctly – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself limit myself in answering questions, in only wanting to be right when and as I ask questions, not realizing that the point of asking questions, or answering questions, is not to be right, but to check whether my knowledge and information is effectively aligned with and as the course material

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it personal that point about answering questions in school, thinking, perceiving, and believing that it’s about my character, and my integrity, and honor, to be able to answer the question correctly, and to be able to show my classmates that I was able to answer the question correctly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and within this see, realize, and understand that answering a question is nothing personal, it’s merely me answering a question – nothing more, and nothing less; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the point of answer, or not answer questions, more than what the point in-fact is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as, and by and as the desire to be appreciated by my teacher, and to earn respect from my class, in wanting them to see me as being intelligent and having right, and answering questions in a good way, and in a positive way, that leads to the correct answer; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here, and see, realize, and understand that in searching for the recognition from another, I am forgetting about myself, and the actual practical point that exists within and as answer questions, or asking questions – and the point is that I learn more, and enable myself to effectively walk through my education, and so to speak: “get out on the other side” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and to bring myself back here – and stop myself from going into the mode of being wherein I want to show-off and prove to each and everyone around that I am the best, the most profound, and the most effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it implies success, and it implies honor, and me expanding myself, when and as I answer a question from the teacher correctly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel positive, and to go into a high of feeling accomplished, and feeling that “I’ve made it” and that there is “nothing that can stop me now” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply answer the question, and within that remain unconditional and not have a desire for either being right, or a fear of being wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep, physical breath when and I answer questions in school, and as such stabilize myself here in my physical body, and make sure that I speak from “here” and that I speak unconditionally, and share myself without a secret agenda, without secret desire to get something out of the moment wherein I am able to feel in a specific way, and to think about myself in a specific way, but that I instead simply speak, and share myself here, and accept and allow myself to participate within and as the moment without a secret agenda that I am trying to fulfill, and get through into and as reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as my mind when my teacher asks me a question, wherein I instead of answering the question here naturally within and as breath, and physical self-movement, that I take the point into my mind and then blow it out of proportion, wherein I create the point within me to be this giant test, this challenge that I must prevail within and make sure that I get out on the other side, so that I am able to show everyone how good I am, and how much in control I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to give the picture, and image to others that I am in control, that I know what I am doing, and that I am able to live and direct my life effectively, and that nobody can fuck with me in that; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly, in a way, be in a state of war within myself, wherein I am trying to push myself to be that which I think others want me to be, instead of me living, and participating here, naturally with and as myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I answer a question in school, to pressure myself in wanting to be right, think that if I am not right, then this is a major, gigantic, and complete failure on my part, and that I must push myself to be right, because being wrong is simply not acceptable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and see, realize, and understand that I’ve created these massive ideas around what it means to be right, and what it means to be wrong, instead of accepting and allowing myself to live, and walk, unconditionally, fully, and completely here in self-acceptance in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that when I achieve to have others see me as intelligent, and successful, and I am able to have others see me as being unique, then I’ve apparently succeeded, and then I am able to be cool with myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely possessed, controlled, and directed by an idea in my mind of how I should become in the future, and how I should be seen by other people, instead of accepting, and allowing myself to live HERE in each and every moment of breath, and thus not in anyway compromise myself to and as the mind, but remain effective, steadfast, and precise in and as my self-movement – wherein I know what I am doing, and that what I am doing is that I am living myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that without being acknowledged for how I answer a question, I am not worth anything, and thus I am useless, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that my worth as an individual is based upon how many I can get to look at me in a positive light, how many I am able to convert so to speak, as in seeing me as being a effective, stable, and nice human-being that they’d also be like; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and within this accept and allow myself to realize that I don’t have to search for, and attempt and try to acquire the acceptance of others, because I can accept myself, and I am able to give to myself that which I’ve desired through-out my life – which is me being comfortable with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe, that in order for me to “be somebody” I must make sure that everyone knows about me, and sees me in a positive light, wherein they regard me as being special, as being highly intelligent, as being highly disciplined, as being highly effective, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for affirmation, and acceptance, and recognition outside of myself, wherein I am looking to stabilize myself through acquiring a particular energetic experience; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the simplistic point of living, and participating here with no mind, no thinking, and no feeling; and within this I see, realize, and understand that the key to real stability, and that the key to fulfillment, is stopping the mind, and not accepting and allowing myself to anymore be a slave to energy – but that I practice, and perfect the skill as myself as being self-directed, and self-motivated, thus not anymore requiring, or needing that another perceive me as cool, intelligent, or effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that the most important point in my life is what others think about me, and that unless I am able to have others think about me in a positive light, and see me as being a particular strong, effective, and positive human-being, that then there is apparently something wrong with me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my adult life to be about searching for that complete acceptance, that complete feeling of being loved, and having a purpose, a meaning, and a context – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and bring myself back here, and too within this push myself to get out of this possession, so that I am able to live my life, and direct myself to make decisions, and walk my life, without being worried, or fearful as to what others might, or might not think about me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of being wherein I want to gain the acceptance, and recognition from others, and be seen by others as being positive, as being good, and as being recognized, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that – this is not a solution for me to feel accepted, this is not a solution for me to be stable, this is not a solution for me to be effective, this is not a solution for me to ground myself, and bring myself back here – and live within and as physical considerations here; as such I commit myself to stop searching, and instead start living HERE and practice the point of physical, practical awareness of myself, and my surroundings – and within this stop being my mind as energy, and instead stand here with and as substance, as the physical

When and as I see that I go into and as a reaction of taking it personally whether I am right, or wrong when I answer a question that the teacher asks, and I make it big emotional experience of feeling worthless, and useless, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and within this I see, realize, and understand that I am creating something big, and something huge, out of something that is really not that important – and that this experience I am having is in-fact in no way a necessary point for me to walk through; as such I commit myself to not take my school personally, to not take my grades personally, to not take critique, and being right, or wrong personally, but to instead move myself with and as breath, with and as physical movement here – with and as my body as breath wherein there is no mind as energy disturbing my presence and stability here

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Day 76: Determine Me Please

Today while being at school I held a short presentation before my class. Here I faced some interesting reactions of fear, anxiety, worry, and inferiority. The main point as to why I reacted was not the fact that I was holding a presentation before my class. The primary point that triggered the reaction was how I thought that others perceived, and looked at me while I was giving the presentation.

So, the presentation was in relation to a question that the teacher asked, and this particular question was quite difficult, and within this I thought that I was one of the only students that had managed to sort of “break” the code, and within that achieved a correct answer. When I was thus holding my short presentation I was somewhat excited, and anxious to tell my class about this point. Though, as I began to speak about the point I started to think, and perceive that my classmates thought of me as being a know it all, and it was this particular thought that triggered my reaction of then becoming increasingly uncomfortable, and tense as I was sharing my findings in regards to the point.

confused-indecisive1What I am able to see here, is that this shows me two things: 1) I wasn’t unconditional in me sharing the information that I’d found and I was expecting some type of positive feedback 2) already before I’d began to share myself I’d created an idea of myself based in a sense of superiority, and as such I was charged up while sharing myself instead of speaking, and sharing myself unconditionally here.

The main problem thus, that can be found in both of these points, is my tendency to define myself, and worth myself according to relationships. For example: I am good at studying thus apparently “I am good” – or: I am good at explaining things in a clear and precise manner thus “I am clear and precise” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that there is a difference between who I am in this world, as the form I exist within (a human physical body), as the particular skills I have, and who I am as life – as formless, and without definition – here as principle.

It’s interesting how generally throughout my process, I’ve noticed this dependency on something, or someone, be it knowledge, be it family, be it friends – and within this there has been the fear of standing alone, and being alone – and having no-one but me to walk and stand by me.

So, in this blog-post I will dedicate my self-forgiveness, and my corrective self-commitment statements to this point of seeking for another to determine who I am – and seeking for something else outside of me to give me stability, and purpose, instead of me standing stable here within and as breath not needing and requiring something more but me here.

Self-forgiveness

  1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something, or someone else to determine who I am, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that I need and require someone, or something else to determine who I am for me to be stable here – for me to be certain here – for me to know who I am here; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take breath and bring myself back here – and realize that I only need myself here as breath and that this need I experience for someone to determine me – is really not a need but in-fact a fear
  2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become uncertain, and fearful, when and as I perceive that others are determining me within and as a negative context – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this implies that I am loosing my stability, that I am loosing my certainty, that I am loosing myself, because apparently I am dependent upon someone, or something else to constantly confirm my existence, and confirm that I am here – instead of realizing that I don’t need that – because I am able to easily confirm for myself in each and every moment of breath that – I am here – I am breathing – I am within and as this human physical body; what more but that do I require?
  3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a purpose, or a point of external motivation that I can cling unto, and define myself as, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will feel empty, that I will feel purposeless, and meaningless, unless I have something, or someone that I am able to look at and think that – I have a relationship with this point, and thus I apparently “know who I am”
  4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am not defined by my career, that I am not defined by my human physical body, that I am not defined by my external reality – that I am not defined by and as form, by and as sound, by and as colors – as I am here – and when I look at: I look at myself here – I can’t see anything but darkness – a darkness that isn’t defined – that doesn’t have a form – that doesn’t have a particular predestined purpose – but that is instead simply a HERE
  5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around in this world from within and as a starting point of trying to find stability in some point that lies external from me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I do not need, or require such a external point in order to be stable – because obviously: stability is a word and thus not conditioned to someone or something else having a relationship with me – but it’s instead a word with the possibility within it of me living the word – developing myself as the word – and standing unconditionally as this word without any form of external relationship supporting me to stand as this word
  6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hinder, and suppress my performance in speaking, and sharing myself in-front of a group of people, in fear that they see, and determine me as a “know it all” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive towards, want, and desire to make sure that my relationships with people in my world are within and as the definition of positivity – wherein I believe, and perceive, that all beings in my world like me, and have a positive experience when they see me, and define me as someone that they find interesting, fascinating, and want to be friends with
  7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit, suppress, and withhold myself, through wanting and desiring to achieve positive relationships in my world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand to what extent I am limiting myself, when I allow my expression to be determined within a fear of what others think of me, or how others experience
  8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice unconditional self-expression here, and within and as this unconditional self-expression, pushing myself to stand stable here, and to not be influenced by my beliefs, and perceptions about what others think of me, but simply breath through these experiences, and thoughts, and re-affirm my stand here in every moment – so that I within this push myself to stand clear, and stable – like a pillar facing a storm – realizing that the pillar will stand through the storm when no attention is given to the storm
  9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I speak, and present, and share a point in-front of people, to look for confirmation, and to look for some type of approval – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approve of myself, meaning that I stand accountable before myself, and that I look at myself objectively, and look at what I say, share, and speak, to see whether it’s in-fact effective – whether it is in-fact common sense – so that I as such do not depend upon others to say to me that what I am doing is cool – but that I am able to stand this point myself and walk the point of sharing and presenting a point to others in stability and within and as unconditional self-expression here
  10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that it’s a human trait to look for confirmation, and approval within others, and that this is not something I am able to do anything about; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that human nature doesn’t really in-fact exist – because it’s not set in stone – it doesn’t need to be this way – I mean that is obvious – human nature is subject to programming and can thus be re-programmed, and reset to support what is best for all – to be a living example of giving as we’d like to receive; as such I commit myself to reset and re-program my human nature to be a example of what is best for all – and to realize that nothing is set in stone
  11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work on the point of wanting to achieve confirmation, and acceptance from others, utilizing the justification, and excuse that it’s apparently something I am not able to do anything about, and that it’s a point set-in-stone; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the obvious common sense is that nothing is set in stone in-fact – proven by the fact that we as humans have created this world by our own volition – and that we as such can change this world by our volition – it’s not like something has been god-sent – we’ve in-fact participated in creating this existence and this world as it currently is

Self-commitments

  1. When and as I see that I am going into and as a state, and a mode of being, as looking for confirmation, and acceptance from others, and I notice that I experience fear, and feel disturbed because I perceive that others do not like what I say – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this pattern is me looking for stability and certainty in separation from myself – and that this pattern is not honoring life – is not honoring me as living to my fullest potential in every moment of breath; thus I commit myself to bring myself back here – and to walk my presentation – and share myself here – in self-honesty as stability and silence as being completely here within and as my human physical body – thus within this not needing confirmation from another because I know – I am here
  2. When and as I see that I go into and as a mode of being, as trying to find something out there that I am able to define myself towards, and create a relationship with, to feel that I have purpose, and some meaning – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that meaning, and purpose is something that I’ve been programmed to search for – instead of living here – working with what is here – and remaining practical – physical at all times – walking the points that are in-front of my face; as such I commit myself to stop looking for something or something to define me – and I instead commit myself to live – breath – and walk practically and physically here

 

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