Tag Archives: self-change

Day 395: The Power of Writing

How to remain self-honest and walk process, how to not get distracted and lost in the entertainment offered within the system, how to keep one’s focus and chosen direction in life even though so much time goes into working, money, and other forms of responsibilities that must be handled in order to survive?

These are questions I have been looking at recently, because in acquiring a full time job, getting access to more money and a easier, more comfortable life, it is easy to forget what is important, it is easy to forget one’s purpose, and forgetting that, so many people in this world are without their basic necessities, living in unacceptable conditions, in a system that does not cater to the needs of everyone. What I have found as a solution to this problem is WRITING – the WRITTEN word – that has become my sanity and point of grounding. When everything spins fast, sitting down by my computer, and establishing the words I want to live and stand as within my life helps a lot. In writing, I am able to reaffirm my purpose, direction, movement – I am able to remind myself of what is crucial and what I want to do with myself – because with writing – I have a moment with myself where I am able to deliberately choose my WORDS – and my words become my WORLD.

If we take a look out in the world – we are constantly bombarded with words; advertisements, newspapers, television programs, books, music, conversations with other people – there is a on going soundboard of words entering our worlds daily. Hence – it is not strange that if we ourselves do not take responsibility to design ourselves according to the words we see are best – that we will slowly but surely loose focus – start to slip – forget – become led astray – because we begin to live and integrate words that others have put out into the world – instead of sticking with our own words – that we have decided upon because we see that they are best for us.

Because of this I have decided to put in some time to write most mornings before I leave for work – I use a pen and a paper and I allow it to take time required. However, with writing, I have found that it is not the amount written that matters, it is the principle, the direction, the clarity, the intent, the decisiveness in the words. I can write for an entire day – though if I am not self-honest – it will mean nothing at all. Same is true the other way around, I can write but one sentence, however with that sentence I can change my entire day – I can make a clear decision as to who I am going to be and live that day and then apply it – and through that make a directive and supportive movement in my life.

Hence – with writing – the power lies in writing words that MATTER – writing words that come from the HEART – and then – through writing – looking for and establishing solutions that can be lived PRACTICALLY – PHYSICALLY – HERE. It is through process of placing words that matter that I have been able to support myself to remain grounded and focused on my direction – and hence it is something that I would suggest for anyone interested in supporting themselves to make and create something more with their lives – a life lived from within and as principle – and not moved from thought to thought without any plan or goal.

 


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Day 162: I Am Not Appreciated

Today I had a tough day, meaning that there were many reactions that came up within me, asking for me to attend to them and direct them – and because the mind is such a complex, and enormous thing, I will in this blog only take a look one of the points that came up.

To select what point I will work with, I ask myself, what of these points that came up today affected me the most on a physical level? The reason for this is because, often, the reactions that feel the most intense, and the worst, many times do not have that much of a physical impact – they merely feel bad – thus today I am going to look at the reaction that were in-fact bad in that it influenced my ability to participate in this physical reality, effectively and specifically.

What I can see is that the reaction came up within me, and changed my expression, posture, and stand, to be that of gloominess, and a slight depression – I didn’t speak as much, and my voice didn’t boom with that certainty and clarity that I have when I am stable, and silent within – though the actual reaction, and starting point of the experience, was not in itself depression or gloominess, I see that rather, the experience was a side-effect and result of a conflict experience, in which I suppressed my experience, and shoved it aside.

The experience that came up in this conflict was that of “I am not appreciated” – which triggered a emotional reaction of hurt and sadness, as well as blame towards the individual that I perceived as not appreciating me as much as I’d like.

What I can see that I require to work with is thus this point of, I am not appreciated, and I require to look at how it is that I’ve defined myself as being in need of appreciation, and what this appreciation should be like, for me experiencing myself as appreciated, and also, the pertinent question of, why I’ve not yet appreciated myself, and how am I am able to live self-appreciation, what is self-appreciation?

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and feel like I am a victim that is being treated unfairly, when and as I perceive that another is not appreciating me, and is not giving me the credit that I deserve, and that I feel that I am worthy of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a unappreciated individual, and hold unto blame towards my parents, and in particular my mother, feeling as if I have throughout my life, not received the appreciation that I’ve deserved, and that I’ve not been treated equally, and fairly in comparison with my siblings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being inferior, and less than other people, and see others as givers of appreciation, and think that I am not able, nor equipped, to give myself appreciation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in blame, and sadness, and hurt, when and as I perceive that my efforts to push, and move a particular points isn’t recognized by another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it’s unfair, and that I am victim, because my efforts are not being seen, and not being valued in the eyes of another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the basis of my efforts in life, and the basis of me pushing and moving points in my world, to be that of receiving appreciation and praise from others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself as a self-independent and self-motivated individual, and as such stand stable in myself when I push and move points in my world, so that I am not in need from another to give me an experience of feeling appreciated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, hurt, and define myself as a victim, when and as I perceive that another isn’t not recognizing my efforts, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to recognize my efforts, instead of asking myself why I’ve not myself recognized my own efforts, why I’ve not myself allowed myself to see where it is that I am pushing, where it is that I am effective, and where it is that I am making a difference for myself as well as another, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift myself self-appreciation, and thus not anymore exist in a need and desire to get this experience and point from another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in a conflict, and I feel that I am being criticized and judged for what I’ve done, and how have moved myself in a moment, to go into sadness, hurt, and feeling that I am a victim, and that I am unfairly robbed of me being recognized for my efforts, and for how I move myself in regards to certain points in my world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for, desire, and want to be recognized, and feel that unless I get recognized, and have another say to me, that what I am doing is effective, that what I am doing works, to feel that it’s worthless, and that it doesn’t mean anything – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of recognizing myself, of telling myself, when I do something that I am satisfied with, that hey, this was cool, and I am satisfied with this, and it was a cool point that I walked, and pushed, and created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and go into a personality of feeling that my efforts have been diminished, and unfairly judged, when and as I perceive that another doesn’t see what I am doing, and how much labor I am putting into a particular point, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that my efforts, my labor, and the soul I put into what I am doing, that it’s to be seen, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that I can’t expect another to recognize me, unless I am accepting and allowing myself to recognize myself first and foremost

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I feel unappreciated, and unfairly criticized, and judged, and that my efforts have not been recognized properly by another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t expect from another to recognize me, when I’ve not gifted myself this point yet, and as such I commit myself to practice me recognizing myself, and giving myself credit when I’ve walked a point effectively, and within this, to accept and allow myself to rest in a moment of being satisfied and proud over my creation, and as such give me a pat on my back instead of expecting another to do that for me

Day 6: Leave Me Be – I Am Depressed!

A character that I took note of yesterday was the depression-character – and this is a character that I’ve noticed I am holding unto even though I can clearly seen when it is that I go into this character, or way of being.

depression2I have seen that when I go into the depression character – I become less communicative, I become passive, held back, and I generally feel like everything is a drag – something that I am forced to participate within even though I don’t really want to. What I’ve seen is that I will have within me an awareness that “oh – how quiet I suddenly became, and how strict, and tense I became in my participation – there must be something going on here!” – yet my self-honesty stops there – because there problem is that I am not in that moment saying to myself – “ok – shit – now I’ve gone into the depression character – let’s move myself out of this crap!” – and the physically moving myself out of the state of being through deliberately pushing myself to be physical in the moment – which might include communicating with people, or if I am by myself in my apartment – leaving my apartment to take a walk – or apply self-forgiveness on the point.

The consequences of me existing in this character is something is that not only me – but my entire environment become affected – if I am around people I am able to see this the most clearly. People around me become more silent, introverted, and seemingly fearful of communicating and interacting with me – which is probably because I look pretty down so to speak – and as if I am at the verge of a breakdown, ready to attack any poor soul that dare to disturb me in my moment of grief.

I can also see how this character affects me personally – the consequence of me participating in this character is that I miss out on a lot of opportunities to have fun – to interact and express myself – and I instead up feeling that “everyone else but me is having fun!” – “what about me!” – when it’s really myself that have placed me into the experience of the depression – and it’s me that have decided that apparently I am not capable of moving myself out of the character as I see that I become possessed within it.

The point to apply self-forgiveness upon is thus justifying holding unto the depression character, and also justifying not taking action when it is that I see I enter a specific character – and also clearly see the solution in the moment.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the depression character – and within me seeing that I am going into the depression character – justify why I should remain in the depression character – through thinking that I am not able to change the depression I experience into and as self-expression here – and that this depression character is apparently something that is superior to me that I am not able to do anything about – or change – or direct in anyway what-so-ever – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am able to change my experience of myself as the depression character – and I in-fact see the solution – which is physical self-movement in the moment

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of justifications when I enter the depression character – instead of going into immediate self-application – in changing the character immediately as I see I become this character in my physical living – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how simple it is to change a character in the moment – and that all it takes is a clear decision – and then living that decision into and as the physical – and as such pushing change – bringing forth change through a directive statement of who I am in the moment – and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that – sure – this takes somewhat more effort than remaining in the character – yet within me pushing myself out from the state of depression – I am in-fact opening up the possibility for myself to enjoy myself and have – which is much better than being stuck in a character – and in always worth the effort

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to endorse the characters coming up within me – and hold unto the characters – thinking that the characters are a part of me – and if I was to let them go – and change them – then this would mean that I also disappear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that this is merely a justification that I use in order to not have to go through the effort of actually changing myself in a moment – when it is that I see a transcendence point is emerging and coming into my awareness here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through the resistance – and see that there is absolutely nothing to fear in letting go of characters – and that what I experience is merely some birth pains that will subside when I am done with the birthing process

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice, and perfect the skill of immediate self-change – wherein I accept and allow myself to in the moment that I notice I go into a particular character – to immediately formulate a directive statement within me as to who I am – and how I am going to live in that moment – and what will be my expression in that moment – and as such immediately change myself from existing as a limited energy junky – as a character – into living within oneness and equality with my human physical body here

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, think and believe that characters are superior to me – and utilize this feeling, these thoughts, and these beliefs – in order to create an experience within me that I am really inferior to the characters coming up within me as conglomerations of thoughts, feelings, emotions, pictures, memories, and other mind components – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am really in-fact – deliberately – inducing this state of feeling and experiencing myself as less than within myself – so that I can have something to blame – so that I do not have to change myself in-fact

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize energy, and experiences to make myself inferior to the thoughts coming up within me mind – and to the physical characters that activate as I move through my day – and believe that this experience of inferiority is real – is relevant – and that is a point that I should honor within and as my participation and movement of myself within and as this world – not seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience of inferiority is in-fact a lie – a lie that I use in order to keep myself stuck in my mind – in fear of coming out into the physical and really living – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get out in the physical to really live – to see that there is nothing to fear about letting go of the mind – I mean – sure it’s a new experience to live here with the physical – but it is in itself absolutely nothing to fear – it’s merely a new experience – and a new way of living – as such something that could be fun – and enjoyable to investigate if I simply accepted and allow myself to live that enjoyment

7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be strict, and disciplined with myself – in terms of pushing myself to participate here within and as breath – and to utilize each moment as a opportunity for change – and not use a moment as a opportunity to remain stuck in cycles of past moments – as points that I’ve made to be memories within me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that – it’s simply a point to practice – to change myself here immediately – and to see each moment as a opportunity for change – and that it’s not something to fear – not something to live up to – and to something to resist – it’s merely a point of change that is lived here – one decision – and then it’s done

8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the resistance I experience towards changing myself – is in-fact fear – fear of becoming real – fear of being real in this world – and reality – and fear of getting out of my mind to face in real time the shit that I’ve accepted and allowed to exist here – and to really see – understand – the mess that I’ve placed myself into – and the severity of the situation – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that really – it’s nothing to fear – because whether I avoid seeing what is here or not – the shit is still here – thus – it’s for more effective to simply decide to get out of my mind – to then apply that point – get out of my mind – and get back here – and start walking through the shit that I’ve manifested and created in this world – and then be done with it – instead of hiding in resistance – and fear – which really does nothing at all but postpone the inevitable of facing the consequences that I’ve accumulated here

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I am justifying why I should remain in the depression character – through thinking that I am not able to change the depression I experience into and as self-expression – here – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – this is me lying to myself so I won’t have to change – which is really stupid – because changing myself is far more better than remaining as a mind – secluded and limited to only exist within and as energy constructs of the mind; as such I commit myself to stop justifying not changing myself – and immediately commence to take action – through physical self-movement here – doing what is I see is required to get me back here

2. When and as I see that I do not go into immediate self-application as I notice that I go into the depression character – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – hey – this depression character really isn’t fun to exist, and live as – really – it sucks, it’s boring, it’s uncomfortable – and I already know exactly where the road ends – as such I commit myself to act – and push myself to live immediate self-correction as I see that I go into a point that is compromising for myself or another

3. When and as I see that I am using fear – as the fear of loosing myself – to hold unto characters of the mind and justify why I do not change myself; I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – sure it will take effort to change myself – but it’s gotdamn worth it! I mean – I’ve already proven this to myself countless of times in regards to the points of my living that I’ve already changed; as such I commit myself to stop postponing change through going into fear – and then only when I’ve seen that the fear is not real – to then change – but to immediately go to change without first going through the entire and unnecessary experience of justifying myself existing as the character

4. I commit myself to practice, and perfect the skill of immediate self-change – as the point of when I see that I go into a character – to immediately in that moment make a directive statement of who I will accept and allow myself to be – and then live that physically – practically – here – as such short-circuiting my process – not having to go through an entire process of going into the character – seeing that I have subdued to the character – and then justifying me remaining in the character – and first then – considering changing and moving myself out of the character

5. When and as I see that I am thinking, and feeling that the mind-characters that comes up within me – are superior and better than me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the characters coming up within me are not superior or better than me – in-fact this experience that I am having is merely an attempt from me to not have to change myself – because apparently it is to much work – and it takes to much effort – not realizing that this takes the same amount of effort for me to justify me remaining limited – and fighting me changing myself; as such I commit myself to simply change when I see that the moment of change has opened up and is here – and let myself walk the change without sabotaging for myself through creating all of these insane and unnecessary experiences

6. When and as I see, and notice that I am believing that the experience of inferiority coming up within me towards the thoughts coming up within me, and the characters that activate through-out my day – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – I am not inferior to the mind and the points coming up within me – this is only a convenient truth that I’ve created for myself – convenient because it implies that I am not able to change myself – and that I have not responsibility in terms of what is going on within my mind; as such I commit myself to see the real truth – which is that I accept and allow what goes on within me – and that at the end of the day – I stand responsible for each point that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as through-out my day – I can’t blame the mind – and I can’t blame anyone else – because it’s only me that is existing within me

7. I commit myself to be strict and disciplined with myself in terms of utilizing each moment of breath as a opportunity to change – as opportunity to stabilize myself and to take a breath and be here with and my human physical body – and equalize, and amalgamate myself with the physical – and not go into the mind

8. When and as I see, and notice that I experience fear/resistance towards changing myself – and directing myself – stopping my habitual participation in the mind and getting back into the physical reality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – really – there is nothing to fear about becoming real – and seeing for real what is going on here – and taking responsibility for what is existent in myself and in this reality as a whole – in-fact it’s much worse to wait – and pretend to be a slave to my mind – and exist in a state of postponement – because that implies suffering – while changing implies – suffering yet going towards a brighter tomorrow; as such I commit myself to dare myself to change myself – and to dare to be self-honest – and face the music that is here – and go into the darkest and deepest pits of the mind – and unravel the shit – and re-create myself into a living being of integrity that stands for a world that is best for all

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