So, today some fascinating points have come in relation to the point that I’ve opened up and committed myself to walk through to COMPLETION – the general point is that of social angst – yet this point contain many various dimensions, and a new dimension that I noticed today is in relation to a belief that I hold of myself – the belief that I am socially inept – that I am somehow worse than others at being social and that my natural expression is not sufficiently socially acceptable – and that I as such require to mold and emulate my expression to be more acceptable.
Some context: I was hanging out with some persons that are new in my world, and it was a fresh environment for me, so I didn’t really know how to place myself in it, and who I should be. As I observed myself interact in this new environment, and these new persons, I saw that what I held within me was this general experience of ‘I am less’ – and the consequential outflow of me holding unto this point of ‘I am less’ was that I didn’t express myself within the self-confidence, comfortableness, and ease that I know I am capable of – instead my expression was more held back, passive, and hesitating – not as I would express myself with for example, my family, or my partner, where I am much more at ease with myself.
Thus, why is it that I have this ‘I am less’ experience?
From what I am able to see, it’s actually a form of protection mechanism, because when I hold myself in this ‘I am less’-character – I don’t show myself, I don’t open up, and I am not really HERE – the logic here is that I am then ‘protected’ – though the part that doesn’t make sense is why I’d like to feel protected and in that sacrifice my natural expansive expression?
Really, the question must be asked, I am in-fact protecting myself from a realistic fear, or is it but an assumption that I’ve made, that if I accept and allow myself to step out of my protections, I will be ‘hurt’ and ‘attacked’? And is there really such a thing as being mentally hurt and attacked?
I’d say – NO – there isn’t – and accordingly this shyness character, this ‘I am less’-character is not something that is supportive for me – and thus I must further practice living myself out of this habitual suppression tactic and realize that it’s really nothing dangerous out there, and that there are lot’s of things to do, many people to get to know, and projects to walk, if I accept and allow myself to step out of my character of diminishment, and be myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am interacting with people, and placing myself in a new environment, and with people that I don’t yet have a long-term relationship, to take in the position of ‘I am less’ within myself, and go into a state and condition of being shy, passive, and held back, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this state of being, through believing that when I am in this state of passivity I am protecting myself from harm, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself, and believe that there is some gigantic harm awaiting for me out there, if I’d accept and allow myself to step it up, and walk out of my shell, and practice self-confidence, self-trust, and self-authority, and be at ease and comfortable with myself regardless of situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with other people, with so-called strangers, I am required to put on a mask, and be more passive, and held-back, in the belief that apparently, with strangers, if I would express myself, I would become attacked, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this belief that ‘I will be attacked’ isn’t in anyway substantiated within me with facts, it’s but an experience, but a fear coming up within me, that I pay attention to and live according to, without having cross-referenced with physical reality whether or whether not this fear is actually real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and accept myself as held back, shy and insecure, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I require and must be stuck in this experience, and movement of myself as insecure, and shy, and believe that this is something I must just accept, and that there is nothing I am able to do about it, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in moments when I notice I go into this shyness, and passive character, to say – NO – and practice, physically, practically living self-confidence, and living self-trust – through straightening my back, and looking people in the eye, and communicating with a clear and stable voice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am with others, to participate within and as, and go into a fear that ‘they are talking behind my back’ and that ‘everything I do or say will be used against me’ – and ‘I don’t know what they are thinking about me’ – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of how others are going to perceive and experience my expression, and fear that I am going to say or do something that will be termed socially inept, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry more about what others think about me, rather than me living and participating and moving myself as my human physical body, practically, physically, here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that others are to invite me into their life’s, and give me a sense and experience of ease and comfortableness, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to make me comfortable, instead of me pushing, and willing myself to be comfortable, to be at ease, and to trust myself and be confident, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that only I am able to give this point to myself, and as such I must practice this point, and one point relation to self-confidence that I see I must practice to walk out of this shyness character, is stopping blaming, judging and attacking myself when I am do a mistake – or when a social interaction doesn’t turn out ‘cool’ – because when I judge myself I make myself more self-conscious and less effective at simply being myself, and trusting myself here – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to trust myself – and to love myself and live these words as myself through stopping judging and being hard on myself when I notice I make a mistake
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will immediately be able to step out of my shyness and ‘I am less’-character and that it will go without mistakes, and without effort – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it will be a effort to bring myself out of this particular character, and how it will be a process that will take time, application, and presumably, many mistakes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to make mistakes, to test things out, and to apply corrections, and not be afraid or worried that they won’t work, and realize that if I fail, or make a mistake, I can simply re-consider and re-align the point, and bring the point into a correction with is effective and works for me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the general crowd of people in my life thinks that I am strange and dislikes, and likes other people more than what they like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this fear and anxiety, the moment I say something, or share myself with another, that my words, and my expression, is going to cause within another a judgment, and a thought that: “I don’t like you” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice and suppress my natural and easy-going expression as myself – in fear of what others think about me – in fear of how others feel about me – not seeing, realizing and understand that it’s obviously not cool for me to bind myself up in fear and justify this through thinking that I must have each and everyone like me
When and as I see that I go into the shyness, and passiveness, and ‘I am less’-character, which I can see through me becoming held back, slouching my shoulders, and becoming hesitant in relation to whether I should speak or not, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I commit myself to live self-confident – and live this through straightening my back, breathing effectively and relaxing my physical body, accepting and allowing myself to caress myself within and as myself, and hold myself, and then move myself in the moment within and as self-trust – and confidence – as me being stable and living the fact that I am an equal with others – neither less – neither more
I commit myself to stop fearing that others are speaking behind my back, and that others are creating negative experiences in relation to me, and that they are creating resistances towards me – and accordingly I commit myself to trust myself, to stand by myself, and dare to live self-honesty, and have the courage of me being stable and expressive, and the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow, regardless of what another might or might not think about me – and I commit myself to live this correction through stating NO – I will not accept and allow these thoughts and emotions to overwhelm me – when and as I notice that this ‘what are others thinking of me ‘fear’ comes up within