Tag Archives: special

Day 310: Reinventing The Wheel

Ever heard of the expression ‘There is no need to reinvent the wheel!’. For those that have not, this expression implies that it is completely unnecessary to come up with ‘your own way’ of approaching and directing a specific point if a solution has already been found – thus also implying that there is no value in coming up within things yourself – the value is instead in the solution itself and the practical outflows that comes from applying that solution.

I want to write a blog about this point because it has recently opened up in relation to my job. Basically, this is what happened: I had been given a task to write a piece on a specific topic. I sat down and started to sketch out how I would approach the point, only to realize that, there were some things off with the topic. I began making my own inquiries, and sat for some hours doing research. After a while I was satisfied, and also proud over myself that I had found that answers I was looking for. In my mind I imagined myself receiving some sort of praise or recognition from my superiors.

Later during the day I approached my boss and showed him what I had been working on. To my surprise he said; ‘Oh yes, that kind of problem, we deal with it like this, you can do the same here’ – whereupon he showed me an existing template of how the problem could be directed. I experienced a sense of disappointment, because I had hoped that my efforts would be rewarded with praise and attention, and now, it seemed that all my work had been in vain. This led me to ask myself the following questions: ‘Why did I not ask for someone’s perspective before I started to dig into this work?’ – ‘How can I avoid repeating this mistake in the future?’ – ‘How come it is that I place receiving attention and praise as a priority over practically getting things done in ways already tested and trialed?’.

In looking at this point I realized that the reason as to why I wanted to reinvent the wheel was because it would make me special, unique, and more in the eyes of others – through it I would be able to differentiate myself as more than. Though, the consequence of this was that I put in several hours into something that was not required, because the wheel was already invented, I could just have asked, and then solved the task within a matter of minutes.

Hence, this stands as a fitting example as to why wanting to be special, unique, new and the first is a limitation – because in that we are not working with COMMON SENSE – but trying to realize a dream/feeling/hope. And this feeling of being special, it is not even real, because physical creation is but that – it is a physical practical creation – and who created what or when – that does not matter to physical creation. For example, does it matter to a house or those living in the house, that the carpenter who built that house came up with and applied a new idea? Most likely no. And further, being special limits us from copying and using what is good and effective in the way others live their life’s – because we do not want to be a copycat. Though, what is wrong with being a copy cat when what is copied works and is of benefit to everyone?

Instead of wanting to be special, what should be the primary focus is to be of utmost value to ourselves and others in our life – and to be that it is not required for us to be unique – however we do need effective living techniques and in the process of establish such we can learn a lot from others. Hence, the solution that I see for myself when it comes to my job is to develop communication, openness, and also, completely let go of the desire to be special, and replace it with the desire to be effective/of benefit to myself and others. To instead of striving to be recognized, strive to do the best work that I can do.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be special instead of equal with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be more than others and be recognized as special – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out on myself – where instead of my focus and direction being to create what is best for all – to be of benefit and support to others in my life – my direction becomes about wanting and desiring recognition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire recognition – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my physical reality in order to achieve recognition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice self-recognition – in the sense that I recognize myself as being of value and a asset to others and myself – and push myself to stand as such a force in my life – where the purpose of myself and my future as such is not to become someone in the eyes of others – but instead to become a trustworthy companion that is able to walk this physical reality and give and share what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to invent something unique and out of this world – to want to do something nobody has ever done before so that I can feel special and good about myself in what I am doing – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this desire take the drive within me – and want it to push and drive me through my life – in the belief that I require and need this something – to make a mark in my life – to have done something with my life.

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself doing something because I want to be special – something that is not really practical or necessary and where I am trying to reinvent the wheel – I stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in wanting to be special and get recognition I am compromising my effectiveness and my ability to contribute and give to others what is best – and hence I see that there is no practical value in being special – there is no practical value in being unique – and this physical reality does not care about who does what – and hence I commit myself instead practice being of value to myself and others in my world through practical living – where I push myself to take actions that make sense and have results – instead of taking actions in hope of being special.

I commit myself to practice the word simplicity – to embrace simplicity in my life – to embrace simplicity as myself – to see, realize and understand that I do not need to be special in my life – that I do not need to be someone or something to others – that all I need is equality – is to embrace and push me to stand as an equal participant – in that live value – live equality – live contribution – to push myself to be a giving participant that makes a difference through practical – basic – daily actions

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Day 296: Redefining Purpose

Creating my purpose, which is a process I have walked actively for a while now. I have from time to time experienced myself conflicted in this process, and mostly this has been related to the feeling that things are not moving fast enough, that I am not getting through, that I am not getting the feedback, and response I would like. This in turn have caused me to start to doubt the purpose I have given myself, and wonder if I am doing something wrong, or whether maybe walking into the wrong direction.

I have decided to look more deeply into this recurring experience to see where it is coming from. What I have realized is that there is an undercurrent of desire existing in my definition and understanding of purpose, and that the conflict I experience is actually consisting of a polarity of fear and desire. Now, the desire in my purpose, is to reach a state of notoriety, to be famous, known and well-regarded. You know, like an expert speaking on the television, having the loyal followers, being quoted in books, and seen all over the world as a significant figure. An example of that would be Ghandi, or Martin Luther King – the epitome of a supreme and world known leader.

In analyzing and reflecting on this point I have now realized that having, and walking a purpose, is not real, unless that purpose is walked for a greater cause, something bigger than ME – meaning: A point I create and walk in my life because I see it is of benefit to OTHERS – to this WORLD – it is hence me GIVING of myself. Purpose is not about receiving, purpose is not about ME – and this is what I have not fully grasped. For me purpose has been about becoming someone for others so that I can feel purposeful.

And I cannot blame myself for misunderstanding this, because if we look at the world, and how currently define purpose, mostly it is connected to being ‘special’, ‘unique’, having some form of ‘god given talent’ – for example: I have rarely seen someone exclaim that it is their purpose to pick up trash, or to clean horse stables, or take care of weeds. Mostly purpose, on a world system level, is defined as this great feat of human creation and confined to special and heroic human beings that have lived special lives throughout the course of human history.

Hence, I will here relook at my definition of purpose – what is really purpose?

Current definition of purpose in the dictionary

1 The reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists: the purpose of the meeting is to appoint a trustee | the building is no longer needed for its original purpose.

* (Usu. purposes) a particular requirement or consideration, typically one that is temporary or restricted in scope or extent: state pensions are considered as earned income for tax purposes.

2 [Mass noun] a person’s sense of resolve or determination: there was a new sense of purpose in her step as she set off.

Sounding of the word

Pur-pose

Poor-pose

Port-choice

Put-port

Put-purse

Purr-purse

Purr-pose

Peer-parse

Peer-pass

Purr-position

Pour-Pose

The direct translation from Swedish is End-Goal

Creative Writing

In the sound of the word, is the sound PURR – which is the sound cat makes when they enjoy something. When petted, they purr. Then we have the sound pass, purse, or pose – where posing would be a certain position you take.

So, combining these sounds and the meanings of them, we get that purpose is a pose/action/movement we walk which in some way tickles our fancies – meaning – it is something that gets our blood pumping and we purr – we cannot help it – just as the cat cannot help purring when its petted.

And then, the Swedish translation of the word indicates that purpose is also about an END-GOAL – a VISION – something we desire to manifest in this world.

Hence – the question when establishing purpose for myself should be – what makes me purr? What is personal and close to me that I am passionate about – that I can develop and take as pose – a position – in this world? And then – as well – looking at what the END-GOAL – what it is that I want this purr within me to create – how can I – PASS-I-ON this PURR to the world?

Then – we also have the sound combination POUR-POSE – basically implying that something is being poured into a particular shape and form – a pose – a force is being directed to take a particular shape and form. For example, water is being poured into a glass of water, the water then taking the pose of water in a glass.

So, what i see is that purpose is about direction – about guiding energy, and movement. Purpose is a road map for what we do in this world, and do not do – it is the very REASON behind our movement and thus why we POUR our energy/life into a certain POSE in this world.

Redefinition of the word purpose

The reason and vision that moves a point forward

And when it comes to redefining it for the human experience – where focus is on ‘life-purpose’:

The reason and vision which drives me forward to pass it on to the rest of the world

Conclusions:

Hence, when it comes to purpose, it is important to clarify what is the REASON for my LIFE. Meaning, what can I contribute and give the will make a difference and enhance the life, of not only mine, but also the lives of others? Into what POSITION can I pour my life and time?

Then, the VISION must also be established, what is it the I want to create, what is the END-GOAL?

Finally, what is my PASSION? Where and what of myself can I pass unto others that will benefit them? Where are my strengths, my secret powers, those parts of me that I see is needed in the world, and that only I am able to bring; because that is the point which is required for me to take responsibility for – hence – my purpose.

And here it is important to not that passion is NOT an experience. Passion is instead that which I see that I can PASS ON – meaning – that of myself that I see myself giving to the world; as such passion is about giving of myself and not about having an experience.

Day 274: Getting Out Into The System

office-partyIn my process of birthing myself as life from the physical I have had the tendency of isolating myself from the rest of the world. I have always thoroughly enjoyed my own company, and the process of writing, and applying self-forgiveness, and designing self-corrective statements have never been any hurdles to me. Hence, if given the choice of for example going to some type of festivity or being at home with myself – without exceptions I have opted for the latter. This has its pros and cons. The pro is that I have developed a deep and intimate relationship with myself, because I have spent so much time investigating myself. The con is that because I do not get out very often, I have not had the feedback/stimuli of the system in my daily living to measure where I am in my process and where I still need to put down more time and effort to change.

So, yesterday I was part of a festive occasion. Many people, alcohol, food, and all of those things we tend to associate with festivities was present. Now, the one thing I noticed about myself at this festivity was that I was not comfortable in speaking and interacting to others when it came to these ‘social’ and supposedly ‘fun’ and ‘witty’ conversations. I am not sure whether you, the reader, can relate, but what I am trying to describe is those interactions were the two participants are ‘supposed’ to be in a light, playful, and witty mode, and have some form bantering. On the television we can find this type of witty banter in for example talk shows.

However, I am not comfortable with these witty banters, and actually, I am not very comfortable with the entire scenario of ‘forced socialization’ that occurs at parties. I tend to become anxious, nervous, and held back in my expression – and as far as I can see – the reason for this is because I do not trust myself. Instead of me allowing myself to be me, I am trying to be someone/something that I believe is fitting to occasion of a ‘festivity’ – for example: A funny and enjoyable person.

It was very interesting to observe my reactions towards others at this party. And in particular this experience within me that I did not feel as if I was ‘funny enough’ or ‘social enough’ or ‘into the atmosphere’ enough. And when I spoke to people, a recurring thought within me was: ‘Wow, they must probably think that I am boring to be around’. This shows my current relationship with festivities and social interactions – I believe that I must be something – that I must play a part and that I am not enough by myself. Because if I would have been relaxed, and at ease with myself – ACCEPTING MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY – there would not have been any nervousness or anxiety. Instead I would have walked into the environment, clear on who I am and where I am standing, clear on the point that I define who I am.

What I see as a solution to this experience of me holding myself back, becoming stiff, and stale around others, is for me to practice self-acceptance – and self-acceptance in this instance would be for me to remain with breath and accept and allow my genuine natural expression to come through. Thus, not try to emulate anything more or less – not try to hide parts of myself, or reinforce others, not try to make a show – instead breathing – being relaxed in my body – and interacting naturally – and within this being at peace with the fact that others might not define/see me as funny or enjoyable to be with. But – why should I accept and allow that to bother me? If I am accepting myself, if I am fulfilling myself, if I am standing with myself, there nothing amiss regardless of how my environment responds.

The solution hence: SELF-ACCEPTANCE – SELF-LOVE – and LIVING these words through bringing myself back myself here when I am approaching a social situation – making sure that I stand stable within myself and that my starting point is here – with and as my human physical body – that I feel my breath – that I feel the tips of my toes – that I feel the tips of my fingers – that I make sure my back is straight and that I am not slouching – that I am physically HERE in the way I present my physical body – Living the statement that – THIS IS WHO I AM – I AM HERE.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of being enjoyable, or fun to be with, when speaking with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fit in, and be normal, and express myself as others would expect me to, when it comes to witty bantering, and being part of social circumstances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of me being normal and fitting in – and thus within this tighten myself – go into a experience of pressure and strictness/control within myself – where I try to read the situation and put forth a face that I hope others will accept – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within – and live self-acceptance – live self-love – and bring through that point into reality through not accepting and allowing myself to try to be as I think that others want me to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be like I believe others want me to be – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself in fear that others are not going to accept me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that if others do not accept me this will put my survival at risk in this world – and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my survival to others accepting me – instead of understanding that survival and me directing this point is not so much about acceptance from others – as it is about me standing disciplined and committed in relation to the points in my world that are the source of income for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that others acceptance of me is vital for my survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and suppress my genuine natural self-expression to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, and filled with emotions of sadness, and disgust, when I believe that someone is not accepting me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value these emotions and believe that they are signifying something real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that emotions are merely energy – that I have built up through participating in a polarity of feeling/emotion – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and push myself to have that be my starting point of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted my natural genuine self-expression – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is something wrong with the way I am naturally – and believe that I am not sufficiently expressive and warm with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others in fear of being rejected – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define rejection within and as emotional experiences – instead of understanding that rejection is simply a physical pushing away – and does not mean that I am less than – or worthless – or that I require to judge myself in someway or another – hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and believe that I am not right the way I am naturally and in my genuine self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is appropriate and normal to change myself around others and to have several faces towards the world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my shape shifting personality through thinking that the way I am naturally will never be accepted – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is not about being accepted – but about me accepting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not about being accepted by others – but that it is about me accepting and recognizing myself – me allowing my genuine and real expression to come through – me trusting myself and not accepting and allowing myself to loose balance and touch with myself when I visit festivities and when I am out in the system moving around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others in system – and believe that I need/should be like them – and have the same personal relationships – the same type of social interaction – and be similar to others – and think that there is something wrong with me when I am not living/participating as others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is not necessarily something wrong with me – that it could instead be – simply that I am not the same as others – that I do not work in the same way – that I do not function in the same way – and thus that my express and living is not the same as what others expression/living is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up when interacting with others in the form of witty bantering – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am tensing up – because I do not know how to be – how to behave – what to express – what to show around another to ‘fit in’ – and this is the problem – that I am trying to ‘fit in’ – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to be natural and genuine – to be myself and not try to be something more than myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not have to be this social machine of perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation within me that I should be able to fit in with people – that I should be able to create a funny, comfortable social situation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not necessarily so all the time – that sometimes I might not have anything in common with another – and thus there is nothing to talk about really – and – that is completely okay – I do not have to force points – I do not have to force a social comfortableness – it is okay that things are at times systematic and not in anyway personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force a social feeling of belonging to my work environment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my work to become more than my work – to want my relationships with colleagues to be more than practical and systematic relationships – and believe that there is something bad with designing and planning my relationships to be systematic and practical – and within this I see, realize and understand that there is no such problem – that sometimes a relationship can only come to its fullest potential when the relationship is practical and systematic – and there is no personal shit involved – it is all about the context of that particular relationship – where in the context of work – the fullest potential of a relationship would be to as effectively as possible complete the work with the utmost quality possible

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a pressure and state of anxiety, and strictness within myself, when communicating or interacting with people in my world, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back to my body here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment trying to force myself into a particular expression/picture – and that I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine, natural and real – and to express myself comfortably within my body – and thus I commit myself to take a deep breath in – to relax my muscles – relax my body – to let go – and to accept and allow myself to respond naturally and genuinely I that moment – not trying to force or emulate – but simply sharing myself here

When and as I see myself go into a physical state of being tense, when communicating and speaking with another, or being in some social gathering, or festivity, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment not accepting and allowing myself to naturally flow in my expression, but that I am trying to be something that I am not, I am trying to show myself as something that I am not, I am trying to be a person, and something or others, to be accepted – and thus I commit myself to relax my muscles – to place my attention and focus on my breath and breathe myself back into my physical body – and state within myself that – I accept myself – I love myself – I accept and allow myself to stand and move in this moment – being genuine and real

Day 124: Living for the System

Today I have been reading about Comparative Law – and comparative law is as you might have guessed, one of these really obscure and perpetually small theoretical subjects that a small number of excited academic devote their life to – and what they do is that they compare the laws of different nations with each other.

What I found so fascinating as I was reading about the history of comparative law – was the immense time and effort that countless of people throughout the history have put in the “academic evolution” of comparative law – writing their long books about these philosophical and apparently interesting subjects. I mean, literally, they have put their LIFES into this – and at the end – what happens? Well, they die, and the sum of their existence becomes a name in a book that I am reading some 200 years later.

So, as I was reading the memorials of these fantastic dead people that had apparently discovered and realized these amazing things, I asked myself – but why did they do it? I mean, what was their goal? The answer the came up within me was: CAREER – oh yes, they did it because of MONEY, FAME and FORTUNE – and regardless of how pious they presented themselves – the one point it all comes back to is – MONEY.

live-lifeI could then more clearly see where I will take my own life if I continue to strive for, and live for a career, and some supposed happiness out there in the future in the form of money – at best – I will end up in some boring book about 200 years from now, where it is explained how I discovered some average, plain, and tedious thing – a couple of sentences will be awarded to me – and I won’t even know because I will be dead and buried a long time ago.

This is the consequence of living for the system – for money – for fame – for success and power – that one’s entire life pass by in lightning speed and before one realize it – it’s all over – and nothing one have ever done is of any substance or worth – nothing has ever assisted or supported anyone – because it’s all be done for money and in the name of self-interest.

It’s fascinating to see how so many of us come to this earth, and we run around like crazy monkeys absolutely wild to “become something” – to “make it” – and then we do – but then we die – and during our lifetime we never spent a single moment to consider; who am I? What is it that I would like to do? What is it that I see would benefit me and everyone else? Who am I if I remove money from the equation? Who would I be if money weren’t an issue?

Fame, money, success and power are insanely overestimated – and in the end – living for those things is not going to lead anywhere what so ever – and this is why I will push myself to in this life step out of my career seeker character – and do something with my life that I want to do – and that I am not doing because I want to “become something” – and have my name printed in a book that nobody is going read anyway.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is pointless and meaningless to live for the system, as in living to attain fame, success and power – because fact is that – power, fame and success doesn’t exist – and it isn’t real – and at the end of my lifetime all of these things will disappear and I will stand with nothing – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not devote my life towards building myself – building life skills – building life abilities – building my life character – building and working with that of myself which will stand the test of time and which will not disappear and be washed away by the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time wanting and desiring to impress and become something special and important in the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that attaining such a position would mean anything, that it would have any form of intrinsic value, and that it would make me a more substantial and stable human being – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, how all these great people, all these apparent leaders and famous one’s – that in the end all go back to the earth and nothing of their life remains – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not devote my life to myself – to life – and to that which stands the test of time and which stands eternal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live to become someone special and unique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a fear that I will not become something in this life, that I will not get a special and unique career, that I will not get a fantastic and wonderful life that others are jealous of – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how such a life is but a idea – but a façade – but a mirage that isn’t real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the gravestones standing lined up on grave yards prove one simple thing – that in the end – hierarchy doesn’t exist – fame doesn’t exist – specialness doesn’t exist – because in the end we all end up in the earth – and our bodies decompose and return back to soil – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that living for fame and specialness is self-deception – and also – completely ridiculous and unnecessary – because I am in effect devoting my entire life to something that isn’t real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not devote my life to myself – to not devote my time to life and to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass up and avoid certain opportunities that open up in world – because I fear that if I walk these opportunities I will not anymore have access to my fantastic and special career that I have imagined myself to have in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself through holding unto the desire to become someone special and unique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the entire idea of specialness and uniqueness is a farce – as it doesn’t really exist – and the proof of it’s nonexistence is death – because in death all are equal and nobody dies more or less than another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as an equal – to not accept that I am not special and that I am not unique – and that I am not able to become special and unique – and thus I am able to dedicate my life to something of real value and substance instead; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dedicate my life to myself – and to bringing forth something that will be of benefit to each and everyone – something that will not just be remembered as a book in 200 years time – but that will be a practical difference that make the life of all better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue the time I give to myself in the form of writing and applying self-forgiveness – and working with myself – and think that this time is a waste of time – and that I am only using my time for real when I dedicate it to becoming something in the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand that there are billions of beings that have dedicated their life’s towards fame and fortune – and all of these have faced the same fate – death – and in death they have been stripped of all their glory and fortune – proving that none of that is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equalize myself to that which is real and of substance – which is this physical world and existence – this physical and practical reality that is here in every moment – and that is here in death – that is here in every moment of breath and that is the same regardless of where I stand in the system; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue and deprioritize that which is real and of real value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted that which is real – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself take for granted that which is of actual substance, actual worth and actual value – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead place value and worth into my mind – and into the energy of specialness – and into the desire of wanting to become something in the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted my physical world and reality that is here in every moment – assisting and supporting me to live – participate and interact – and express myself in this world – and obviously that is of real value and worth – not my mind and the various energies and experiences I have accumulated therein

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am living for a career, living for money, and living to become someone special and unique, and that is recognized and seen as important in the world system, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that real value is not in money, and it’s not in gaining position in the system, it’s not in being recognized – real value is HERE in every moment of breath – and real value is the physical – real value is recognizing myself – and not taking myself for granted – but utilizing my life and the time I have here to develop something that is real and of substance and that will stand the test of time

When and as I see that I am going into and as this energy of desire, as wanting to become remembered, and wanting to have a special life, so that I can feel good about myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment compromising myself – because I am not accepting and allowing myself to live – I am instead living for something else – living for an energy – living for a dream – living for a imagination – and as such I commit myself to take a breath – bring myself back here – and equalize myself here with and as breath – as the physical – and not anymore be a seeker for something more – but a human being living, breathing and expressing myself here

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Day 121: Fabulous ME

Careers, honor degrees, becoming fabulous, and having a tremendously important life – these are things that I see I have a difficult time letting go – and I see that this limits me in my choices. I become locked into to following a specific life path wherein I analyze and calibrate my decision making to make my dream come true – to be important.

Speaking in more concrete manners, this has been specifically in relation to me making decisions as to how I am going to place myself in the system, how I am going to use my time, and how I think that I will be seen by others – so all of these points I have been directing according within and as the starting point of a urge to earn some form of recognition and status in the system – where I will be seen, I will have the important job, those important responsibilities, I will be heard, noticed, and people will speak about me.

It is fascinating to see that this dream of the fantastic future of self-aggrandizement gives itself of as the road the self-expansion, the road to self-enlightenment, when looking at it in practical manners – what this particular system does is that it locks me into a specific life-path, it constrains my decision making skills, and it holds me back from making decisions that are practical, reasonable, logical and effective – obviously because instead of considering what is practical I only consider how I am in the best possible way able to attain my desires and urges.

One of the questions here is, why is it that I want to become something and someone more? For who is it that I am living? Who is it that I want to recognition from? Why is it so important to me? And the greatest question of them all: why is it that I do not accept myself as that which I desire HERE – make the decision to recognize myself, to realize that I am HERE and that is sufficient, and that adding anything more unto myself here is but a illusion and not the actual reality – because what is real is that I am a physical body HERE – and that this is what I will always be – I will not become a “more” physical body or a “less” physical body depending on my career decisions.

Thus, it is time to let this self-definition go and make myself free to make decisions that are practical – to make me free to place myself in a position in this world where I am effective, yet not necessarily seen, recognized, or considered – I mean, isn’t this what the most important people of our world face? Those that have taken on the menial jobs of our world, that uphold the basic structures of our society and life, nobody cares about them, nobody things they are important, yet still – practically speaking – they do something for others and themselves that have real value and substance.

It is thus not about what others think about me, it is rather what I do, and in particular, who I am within what I am doing – because when I am clear in why it is that I do something and it is a self-honest and clear decision that I have made – there is really nothing more to ask as that is perfection.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught in the illusion of wanting to become more, wanting to become better, wanting to be someone recognized, important, seen and loved – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a conflict within myself, where I on the one hand want and desire that life of fame and importance, and on the other hand see that there are other points in my world that I can walk, though that hold no such connotation of importance and specialness, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how it is that I am limiting myself, withholding myself, and locking myself into a limited life path through holding unto this desire and hope of becoming someone in the world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am in searching for, living for, making my decisions and choices according to an urge of becoming someone, strengthening the enslavement of this world system, that is based in hierarchies, where people step on each others faces to reach a higher standard of living, and a better, more famous position, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally accept and allow myself to let go of this possession, of this inferiority, and fear that lies in the foundation of my movement towards a “greater future” to as such instead turn my eyes inwards and ask myself the question, without conditions, who am I, and what is it that I want to do in my life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and believe that this urge coming up within me, is me, and that it implies, and would be a failure if I am not able to manifest the pictures that this urge bring up within me, as me standing in the forefront, in some important position, with people by all my sides asking for my advice and marveling at my cunningness, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is so much more to life, so much more to me, than merely following this urge – and that I can instead make decision and living according to what is practical – according to what see is relevant and effective, according to what I see will contribute to a life that is best for all, and that won’t necessarily become anything at all in the eyes of others in walking such a position, but that it doesn’t matter – it doesn’t mean anything – because what is relevant is that I know who I am – that I know what I am doing and why I am doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energy I experience as pride and superiority in imagining myself having a great position in the system, is real and implies real pride and real superiority – while it is really but limited energies of the mind that I have become addicted to and that I have defined myself according to – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate and research what is real pride, what is real dignity and what is real superiority – isn’t this to stand clear and act according to practical principles? Isn’t this to in-fact be self-motivated and self-disciplined in creating a world that is best for all and creating a life for myself that is best for myself – and that isn’t driven by any form of idea of superiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my decisions in life be motivated by a desire and urge to become more than others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as a stance and state of inferiority, thinking that as long as I am not better and more than others, than I am nothing at all – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be content with myself here in the understanding that I am equal and one – and that regardless of position I am of the same dust as each and everyone else – and that this idea of becoming more than, better than, is really but an idea and a illusion that serves no other purpose but to separate myself from reality here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is practical – from what is relevant – from what is common sense – through walking my life within and as a desire of becoming more than, of proving myself to others, of becoming famous and recognized as having some form of superior value – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the inferiority I place myself into in living in this way – and that I am limiting myself extensively by looking at my future, and looking my life from a starting point of desires and urges – when I instead could look at what is practical, what is it that I want to create in life from a starting point of self-honesty? What is it that I want to contribute to in life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as the desire to gain a position in the system wherein others see me as being more than, and as being special – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not motivate myself to stop this constant search for more – and realize that more is HERE – more is LIFE as LIVING HERE within and as breath standing one and equal with and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard this physical reality, to disregard practicality, in the favor of the fear and desire relationship of becoming less and becoming more – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of and as this energy and this possession and accept and allow myself to accept myself HERE regardless of position – regardless of where I am – regardless of job and income – and realize that my value is not defined by what I do – but that my value is defined by WHO I AM – and that my value is defined by what I am able to contribute and give in relation to creating a world that is best for all in all ways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution to my life is not to follow energies, but to remove all energies, because only in not having a single energy moving within me am I able to see clearly what direction would be effective – where I would be effective – where I would be able to place myself and use my skills to bring forth a world that is really beneficial – fantastic and wonderful and all aspects – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as fears, and desires, and believe that these fears and desires are real, and that these fears and desires constitute my life – not realizing that my life is HERE – that life is HERE – that as such there is nothing to reach and become because life is here and life is fulfillment – life is completion – life doesn’t become more and life doesn’t become less because life is life

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into and as this state of being, as a surge of energy, looking at my life from a starting point of how I can attain a position of superiority, and more than, and specialness, and being above others, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this energy is a illusion and that it doesn’t represent reality – it doesn’t show what is real – and it is limiting me from making decisions and living in a way that is truly beneficial and effective; as such I commit myself to stop myself – bring myself back here – and look at my life practically – to look at what is effective not from energy – but from a starting point of what is real and what is practical and what is common sense

When and as I see that I am going into a conflicted state of being, wherein I am fighting with myself, in fears and desires, looking at my life from a starting point of what I desire and what I fear, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to not anymore polarize my life into fears and desires – but instead bring it all back here to and as the physical – and ask myself – what is practical – what is relevant – what is common sense? And make decisions according to what is practical and not according to my feelings in a particular matter

I commit myself to honor myself as the physical and look at life as a physical grounded – flesh and blood – human being here – wherein I don’t move myself to gain energies, and experiences, but I move myself according to what is practical common sense

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CommitmentsWikipedia: Commitments is a drama film released in 2001 on television by BET. The movie stars Allen Payne and Victoria Dillard, focusing on the relationship that grows between Fox Giovanni and Van Compton.

Day 75: Defeatism as the Perfect Excuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a experience of inferiority, and sadness when perceiving that someone is dissatisfied with me, and perceiving that someone thinks that I’ve done wrong – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this state of sadness and inferiority from a starting point of blame, as holding unto these experiences in order to be able to point a finger to the other person, believing that they are the cause of my experience instead of realizing that this experience of inferiority, and sadness existed within me latently even before the actual activation took place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize experiences such as sadness, and inferiority in order to hide from responsibility, and in order to hide from solutions, and in order to hide from my life, wherein I go into these experiences and then pretend that I have no directive power, and that I have no directive control, but that I am apparently at the mercy of these very uncomfortable experiences – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that everything is deliberate – and that as such these experiences are a deliberate escape mechanism – as the perfect excuse for me to use so that I can blame another, and not take responsibility for myself and walk the moment into and as a solution that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a experience of feeling low, and feeling defeated, and deflated, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and to see, and regard, and define another as being the problem, and being the issue for and of my experience of feeling defeated, and deflated – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am accepting and allowing these experiences within me, and as such they have got nothing to do with another – as such any form of blame is simply ridiculous, and the only obvious point to walk is to take self-responsibility and walk my process of self-correction as not anymore accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to experiences, and to have experiences determine who I am within and as myself and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into inferiority, and a state of defeatism because it means that I don’t have to stand responsible for myself, for my direction in life, and for the direction of my reality as a whole – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid responsibility because I fear responsibility, thinking and believing that when I stand responsible I am able to make mistakes, and become punished for these mistakes and be held accountable; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accountability – and to fear standing up in my life to take greater responsibility – because it implies that I must actually make sure that what I live, and what I stand as is what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize emotions to run away from accountability, and to put myself in a state of debilitation – wherein apparently I am to weak to move myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I am not to weak – and that thinking that I am weak is just a method that I’ve developed so that I won’t have to stand up – because standing up implies that I have to live for real, to give for real, and to in-fact move myself through resistance, and discomfort – because walking for real in this world implies that in-fact move myself and take action to implement what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I perceive that someone is blaming me, and being hard on me – to immediately go into a state of defeatism, and inferiority – wherein I think, and feel that I am being attacked, and thus I have the right to feel like shit – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that feeling like shit isn’t even real – that becoming emotional isn’t even a decision that I make in awareness as what is best for all – it’s just something that happens to me and that I’ve accepted and allowed to become a automatic state of being that simply activates and then I am apparently helpless to do anything about it – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up – breath and bring myself back here – and to see, realize, and understand that I can’t live by and through emotions, and a automatic mind that says to me who I am supposed to be – because it isn’t living – that is being zombiefied – and as such I commit myself to stop being automated – and to instead bring myself back here – to live self-directed and self-motivated in every moment of breath

When and as I see that I am going into a state, and experience of inferiority, sadness and defeatism – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to accept and allow this experience to determine who I am, but that I am able to decide who I am, and how I experience myself – and that this requires me to not indulge in the mind – it requires me to stand as a pillar within and as myself that weathers all storms; as such I commit myself to stand as a stable pillar within me – grounded and standing stable on the earth here – and breath through the experience – and instead actively move myself to participate in the moment taking self-responsibility and direction to implement and walk what is best for all

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Day 20: Test-anxiety – What If? (Part 10)

Now it’s about 15 days left to my exam, and usually I spend these days studying in a library, or at home – I try to do this as consistently as possible, and when I am doing this I exist within a fear that I will loose time – and this fear exists because of a “what if?” that comes up within me – and this “what if?” is – “what if I won’t learn, and remember enough?”

This fear have now come up within me because I am planning to during my study period go and visit my mother, and as such leave the comfort-zone of my libraries, and my apartment – and thus the fear came up as to “what if I won’t learn enough?”

Now – what I am able to see is that the “what if I don’t learn enough?” – it’s only a layer – it’s to top layer – and behind this fear there is the point of failing at the test – because that is obviously the outcome of not learning enough – and behind this point lies the fear of not getting a good job after I am done with my studies – or getting a job at all, and because of this getting stuck in the system in some average, and meaningless wage-slavery job; this is the origin of my fear – the fear of becoming a worthless person – or obviously – what I’ve been instructed, and taught to be a worthless person.

Within this I am able to see that I’ve for most of my life been very busy with trying to learn, and do new things – in order to not remain stuck, and become a lifeless nobody. And through-out my life I’ve had this feeling in me that there is something more meant for me – and that I will not only become a wage-slave – I won’t only spend my life in this city, or town – I will move myself, and I will become things – something extraordinary and special – and I am able to see that I am still holding unto this idea, and belief – and this is causing much anxiety, and conflict within me – that I feel pressured to reach, and uphold this ideal image of myself as to what I am to become in this life, and what I am not to become – and this is obviously not very cool at all – thus I will apply self-forgiveness, and place self-commitment statements on this point.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of myself that I am to become, and be something special in this life – that my life is to become unique, and that I am not to be like everyone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear, and a anxiety of being average – of being normal – of being “like everyone else” – in thinking and believing that me being like everyone else will make me less than what others are – and that I will as such be a inferior human-being and not be able to enjoy myself – or do something worthwhile with myself

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety, and fear within myself through chasing after a ideal, a dream, and a idea – a belief that I am to be, and become something more – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – and to accept myself as already being something/someone – a body – a physical entity here – and that I do not need more than me being here with myself within and as the physical – and that really this idea I have in my head of me becoming something more – it isn’t real – it’s a illusion – it’s a idea that I’ve taken on from my parents and not something of substance and reality

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, and experience – and go into and as a fear, and anxiety when the time comes for my exams – because I fear not being the best – and being average – thinking that when I am average – that this means that I am nothing, and that I am useless – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how this is a belief that I’ve adopted from my parents – and that it’s in-fact not me – it’s not me thinking, and believing this – it’s me listening to my pre-programming and defining myself according to my pre-programming – instead of asking myself “who am I?” – “who is it that I want to be?” – “how is it that I want to experience myself here?”

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that every time that I’ve failed at a test, or a exam – or something of the like – I’ve felt like I’ve lost something – and I’ve been miserable – yet within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I haven’t actually, and for real – lost something – because I’ve remained here with my physical through out the entire experience – and as such the point of me loosing myself – it’s not real – the entire idea of feeling miserable because I’ve failed with a test is not real – but merely an idea, and a point of non-sensical pre-programming – that holds no relevance to and as reality

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how the idea of becoming something more, that idea of becoming special – and having something more in this life waiting for me out there – is in-fact a illusion – and only serves to keep me stuck in hope, and in waiting – wherein I wait for something to happen to me – to something to come to me – and for me life to begin – instead of me stopping waiting – stopping feeling like there is something more that’s going to happen to me in this life – and instead living that more in every moment of breath – through moving myself here with and as my human physical body – one breath at a time – here

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how the concept of being average, and being more – is in-fact products of competition, and comparison – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how these points can only exist as thoughts, as thinking – and that in this physical reality – all points are physically here – neither more than, or less than – but simply what the point is here as the physical; and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to align myself with and as that which is real as this physical existence as living within and as the physical in oneness and equality here

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I am feeling/thinking that I am to become something special, and more in this life – that my life is to become unique, and that I am not to be like everyone else – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I experience is not of reality – it’s a mind-delusion – a point that can only exist in my head – because in the physical – everything is HERE – there is nothing more, or less than – but instead every point is simply here as what it exists as in this moment; as such I commit myself to stop feeling that my life is to become anything – and instead live in every moment here – to my fullest and most complete presence in every moment – not taking anything for granted

2. When and as I see, and notice that I am chasing after an ideal, a dream, and a idea – a belief that I am to be, and become something more – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in this world – most people seek to become famous, and that this is what is perpetuated in media over-all – though – this doesn’t mean that fame is real – meaning – that fame makes someone more than another; as such I commit myself to stop searching to become more than another – because it’s not real – and I instead commit myself live in the simplicity of every moment – as the simplicity of one single breath – seeking nothing – needing nothing – being here

3. When and as I see, and notice that I go into fear, and anxiety of becoming, and being average – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – average, and more – less and more – that is consciousness illusions that are promoted in this world due to there being no understanding in humanity as to what is real – and what is life – and what is living; as such I commit myself to stand as the example of stopping this nonsense – and within this allowing myself to be comfortable with myself regardless of where, what, or who I am in this world – as such accepting MYSELF – and not trying to accept the image, and presentation of myself – because that isn’t real to begin with

4. When and as I experience fear, and anxiety towards failing at my exam – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this fear is not real – because I fear that I will loose myself when I fail the test – but – I won’t – nothing will happen to me at all if I fail the test – I will simply have failed the test and physically still be here; as such I commit myself to stop fearing points that pose no danger at all – and as such stop existing, and letting myself be ruled by irrational fear – and instead practice looking at things in common sense – and walking each point that emerge here within and as the silence of breath

5. When and as I see that I am striving for, hunting, and trying to become something more – and excel to be something better – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that excelling to become something more – that is not real – excelling from a starting point of me honing, and practicing a skill – a application – that is real – because – when I remain the same within me – that makes a point real – because then I am the directive principle – I am the decision maker – and I decide who I am – and I walk with and as the physical here – and not allowing myself to be ruled by a experience – experience are never real; as such I commit myself to walk with my physical – and to within this not define myself according to what I do in this life – but remain the same – as one breath – here

6. When and as I see, and notice that I am fearing to become average – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – being average, and being more – those are ideas based upon competition and comparison – and are as such not a product of natural physical movement – but are of the mind – as illusion – as mental reality projected unto the physical; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here – and to be with my body in oneness and equality – and to stop comparing me to another – and stop competing with another – and instead focus upon me – and who I am within and as myself

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