Tag Archives: stability

Day 388: Is It Possible To Be Too Ambitious?

Since becoming a father, one of the ways in which my life has radically changed has been that I have a lot less time at my disposal. On a usual weekday, I am able to get home from work, deal with my responsibilities, and then there might be an hour left for me to do with as I decide. Naturally the weekends has come to represent the ‘time’ when I get to really have time for my projects and more time consuming responsibilities. Because of this the weekends are usually packed with things that I have planned that I am going to do. Unfortunately, because I have planned SO many things during the weekend, my schedule tends to become too ambitious. The consequences thereof is that I haste through my tasks, that I become frustrated when things take longer than what I initially planned, and that I become stressed when I see the clock moving forward with unbreakable determination.

I discussed this with my partner, and she brought up the point that I might be too ambitious with my activities/projects/things I desire to be done during the weekdays and weekends and that this then causes me to become/live in a state of stress pressure – and where my responsibilities become burdens/shackles – and not something that I am doing/taking part of as an expression of myself. I can see that she has a point. Instead of realigning my plans when things get too tight, I try to squeeze everything in there through forcing myself to move faster, think faster, do things faster. Hence, from my perspective, I can benefit from approaching this point in a wholly different way – and some of the alignments that I see I have to do is to be less ambitious with my planning – and also – to practice becoming more flexible and easy-going when I see that my plans will not hold up – and that there is a lack of time.

Thus, two words comes up for me that I want to look at/redefine/live in my life to solve this problem of mine: Realistic and Flexible.

Redefining words

Realistic

What is interesting about the word realistic is that, from my perspective, it should be natural to be realistic, considering that we have grown up in a world, that is realistic, and that we are continuously throughout our days faced with a REAL reality. Hence, the reason why I have had difficulty to be realistic is because I have obscured my clarity with feelings and emotions, in this case, particularly hope and fear. Fear being the central point of motivation, where I fear not getting done certain things, and then hope, as the energy that I use to suppress my fear and fool myself that I am able to do and get to more things than what I am actually able to handle.

To live realistic practically would thus be to FORGIVE and LET GO of my fears, and then to proceed making decisions about my day without hope. Instead, I will practice myself to see my reality for what it is – simply for what it is – nothing more than – nothing less than – instead PHYSICAL reality – what is ACTUALLY here for real.

Flexible

Flexible, being able to change direction, change plans, change mindset on the go. This is important, because when something is not working, when there is in-fact to little time for me to walk through an ambitious schedule, that is when it is important to notice this, and allow myself to change direction. Hence to live flexibility with regards to this point would be the ability to act in the moment and dare to change and veer of path when I see that this is the best direction to go.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on too much, to be too ambitious, to try to do too much, and because of that, stretch myself thin, and become stressed and worried, because suddenly, I am not anymore in control, and what seemed to be so simple and easy to get done in my mind, is not as simple and easy in real life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a ‘minor value complex’ – where I believe that the way I prove my value and worth is by making sure that I can recognition from others because of how many things that I am able to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to establish my value in life by actions and by showing how good I am at what I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pressure myself to do too much – and to because of that – become locked into a trapped in a state of fear and anxiety – because no matter how much I try to do – there is always more to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn how to relax and settle down and be realistic and easy going with my demands, with my schedules and plans for what I am going to do and achieve with the time I have at my disposal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be flexible and realistic when it comes to what I have to do, the time at my disposal, and what I am able to get done without placing undue strain on myself – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – to bring myself back here – and make sure that I am realistic, calm and flexible, so that I can approach responsibilities and projects with stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan for too much, and then become stressed and anxious when my plans do not match my reality – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in my tendency of planning for, and doing too much, not remaining practical and grounded with my plans, and seeing what could work, and also, not placing any value into how much I get done, but instead doing as much as I am able to in any given moment, and not defining myself as less than or more than depending upon how much I am able to achieve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create too much to do in my mind from a starting point of fear of not getting enough/sufficient with things done – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and contain myself into and as a state of stress/anxiety/wanting to get things done – and constantly strive to get more things done – because constantly feel that I am not doing enough things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be realistic/practical/common sensical when I make plans/decisions as to what I am going to do throughout my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be realistic/specific and use my experience as to how much time a certain point takes to bring through and complete when I make plans – and then if I notice that I have more or less time – to be flexible and change my plans according to what is required

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relax, to take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out, when I make plans and look at how to arrange my day – to make sure that I am not driven by an anxiety or fear – but that I am moving myself within and as common sense – that I am walking and pushing myself from within and as a starting point of stability – and that I do not try to within stress/haste – grab any opportunity to make things work out because I fear the consequences if I do not

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself making plans or looking at how I am going to arrange my day from within and as a starting point of fear/stress/anxiety – I take a breath – I bring myself back here and I see, realize and understand that in making plans from this experience, I am going to make unrealistic plans, I am going to make plans that I will then hurry, fight, and be anxious/worried about completing, because there simply is not enough time to complete them within, and hence I commit myself to practice being realistic and specific when making plans – to be stable when I do them – to thus also understand that at times I will to be less ambitious with certain points – at other times I will to prioritize and not do other things – that I must weigh and consider what is most important and then learn to make a decision


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Day 362: It Is Not About The Plan, It Is About Who We Are

Today after I had waken up, I gave myself a moment to just sit, breath, drink my coffee and map out my day. It was restful, and any thought, projection, or inner vision that came up, I stopped it and brought myself back to breathing. At one point I had an experience of stress arise within me, and together with it a line backchat: ‘I cannot sit here and waste away all my morning just breathing, I have to get up and do stuff’. I breathed and let go of the stress, and brought myself back here.

Afterwards I felt relaxed and clear within me, and with ease I flowed into the rest of my day, and began taking care of my responsibilities and commitments. I experienced myself differently than otherwise, I was more stable, I moved slower, and fascinatingly enough, I was a lot more effective than normal. Things seemed to do themselves when I was around – and I moved myself from task, to task, until, I was done.

Reflecting on my day I can see that the reason as to why I had such a smooth and easy experience, and why I could move myself with ease, yet still get a lot done, was because of how it all started. I allowed myself to begin my day in stability, with clarity, grounded HERE in my human physical body – and that set the tone. I find it very interesting that things we perceive to be a waste of time, might actually be that which will make us more effective and get more things done – that which will fuel us to keep moving, and keep our focus and direction. Efficiency is not necessarily fast, it can also be slow, methodical, relaxed – a state of being that allows for physical energy to be used in a sustainable way. From a different perspective it is obvious common sense, because how can we expect to be efficient, if we have so much going on within ourselves that demands our attention.

This also exemplifies another point, we cannot beforehand judge a particular activity as either being supportive or not. Even though we might have a lot to do, many responsibilities that needs tending, it might be beneficial to sit down, and for a moment do nothing at all. Thus, we cannot judge activities based on our inner preconceived definitions and ideas, our own pre-programmed value system – because living effectively is not about following the norm – it is about creating a new supportive way of living and standing as an example for others so that we are able to change life on this earth as an express of who we are.

Another interesting point is that I was a lot more effective when I was silent, moved slowly, and took time for myself to stabilize before I took action. The same goes for walking any point in the world system. If we try to take action and make a difference out there, without first having done that for ourselves, without first having stabilized, cleared and supported ourselves to become stable, then we will face a lot of conflict. This happened to me, where I for example, was not even able to make a proper decision as to selecting a direction for myself in the world system, because I still accepted and allow too much fear within me in relation to my future.

Self must come first, then we can begin to walk our outside world. Our standing must be clear and stable, then we can begin to impart our awareness unto those around us. If there is conflict in our world in some way or another, the first thing that should be looked at is self – what is going on within? Is there a misalignment, a reaction, a program that has been allowed to run unchecked? Because even though we might believe that our world is separate from us – on a physical level that is not true – we do impact and move our reality in many ways – and the key to stability begins with clearing and correcting the inner reality.


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Day 217: Fear of loosing my job

Fear of being FIRED – this a point that came up today and I will look closer on it in this blog.

Thus – for context: I’m working a distance job – and in order to register the time I’ve put into my work I log on to a website and type in what service I’ve given and for how long. This usually performs without any hiccups – yet today – there was suddenly an issue – I couldn’t log in to my account.

This then triggered the thought within me of: “Oh no! I’m probably fired! They don’t want me anymore!” – and this initial thought was fueled by some memories of how some weeks ago I didn’t perform a certain service as effectively as I was able to do. Thus – fear came emerged – and then the train of thought continued.

From the initial thought of “Oh no I will be fired” it then progressed into imagining what kind of effects this could potentially have for the rest of my life and career in this type of business – would anyone ever hire me again after? Could I still use this employer as a reference when I applied for new jobs, or would only be able get a statement saying “Under no circumstances should you hire this person!” – thus an entire life panned out in my head – with apparently vast and disastrous consequences for my future.

So – it’s interesting to see how fear works, and also how the mind use various strings of information to tailor a story that seems reasonable – and that is intended to entice more reactions – more fear – more anxiety – thus making some in reality totally unrelated events – completely interdependent and life changing.

Though – the matter of fact is that I have NO idea why I couldn’t log in to register my times. I’ve no idea what my employer thinks of me and how he considers the work that I’ve done with regards to the mistakes I made some weeks ago – my entire image of fear is based on one thing – ASSUMPTION – and even though it would be real – it’s a total exaggeration that my entire career and future in this business would be forever destroyed – I mean – if that would be the case – that you could only ever do one mistake in your career before you’re shunned from the entire system of money – then NOBODY would have a job – and NOBODY would be able develop their career – because failure and mistakes are a natural and unavoidable part of living.

Rather – an effective way of handling this situation would’ve been to breathe – and await the response of my employer – to see what the problem might be – and if it’s indeed so that I’m fired – to then start looking for solutions and how I can direct the situation – finding what ways and opportunities I’m able to utilize to move forward instead of going into a paralyzing and unnecessary fear that doesn’t do me any good in terms of handling what is before me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I will loose my job and loose my income – and loose my future in terms of money and career – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist within and as a state of worry that I will not be able to sustain myself and those closest to my in my coming life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and project before me a worst possible outcome – where I project this idea that I will have a enormous difficulty attaining a job – and I will probably not be able to sustain myself in this life and create a career for myself – because I’m not able and sufficiently effective to satisfy the needs of a potential employer – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards making money – and developing a career for myself in the system – and believing that my entire life is and will be dependent upon this point of me getting effective referrals from this particular employer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see things in black and white – to believe that failing in this one job will have disastrous consequences for my entire future – and that there will be nothing I’m able to do in order to correct and direct the situation – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear – in-fact a form of self-distrust – thinking that I don’t have the necessary skills and abilities to deal with and direct my life in a effective manner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to fear – instead of standing stable within and as my human physical bodybreathing – and directing myself to deal with my life here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this inner polarity with regards to money and work – where I on the one hand foresee a future where I’ve the perfect employment – the perfect job – the perfect life overall – and on the one hand – me having no job whatsoever – and that it’s impossible for me to find a job and create a living for myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize my future through seeing it through two extreme outflows as either extremely positive – or extremely negative – as either having the perfect life – or having the least desirable life that can be lived

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can’t make a career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in having a career – to place value in having a job and in earning money – and believe that the amount of money that I earn – and the position of the job that I have will determine who I am – and it will determine my effectiveness in this world with regards to creating my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my creative powers in relation to money and job – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that my creative powers will not be limited by the job I have – but that I am the determining factor as to how I will stand in relation to self-creation in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through believing that I’m only as good as – and only as effective as the amount of money that I have – or the type of job that I have – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’m severely limiting my prospects and possibilities through defining all of myself and my creative potential in relation to the type of job that I have and the amount of money that I earn – instead of bringing the point of creation back to and as myself – and seeing, realizing and understanding that it will be up to me to create myself – that it will be up to me to fulfill myself – that it will be up to me to make the decisions as to who I am and what I will create with my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pan out in my mind this long story of how me loosing this job will affect the rest of my entire life – that it will limit all of my options and my continued existence severely and that there will be nothing I can do about it – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this perspective of life is in-fact totally ineffective – how it’s also not true – because I will be here with myself all of my life – and that in every moment – every day – there are possibilities and opportunities and gifts for me to expand – for me to move myself – for me to create myself and my life – and that thus – I can’t hold unto this very limiting idea that apparently all of my and my future will be determined by these external events – rather I see, realize and understand that I must trust myself – and realize that I am the creator of my life and not my job and not my money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I would enter into a future consisting of the worst case scenario – that I would be hopeless and helpless to change and alter the situation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will be able to change and direct my life – and move my life in an effective direction and look for solutions – to walk into solutions and ways to solve problems – and that this is a ability that I can cultivate and always have with me regardless of how things play out in my life – and that I know that I will steadfastly walk to find solutions – not flinch or hesitate or give up – but rather say to myself that I will move – I will direct myself – I will walk through this and create my life regardless of what I’m facing

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into fear towards the future, because I fear that I will face a future where I loose money and career, and opportunities, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I determine my future – that I decide my life – that it’s not my career, my job or my money that will be my primary assets – it’s WHO I AM – and thus I commit myself to in that moment stop – and say – okay if I face this future – I will stand by myself – I will continue to walk and I will find solutions – and I will not give up upon myself or my life – I will instead motivate myself to create myself and realize that I’ve the power to do that

When and as I see that I am going into fear and anxiety over loosing my job, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that loosing my job is possible in this world – though that shouldn’t be what determines who I am – and what I do in this life – because obviously the primary point of creation in my life is WHO I AM – it’s who I decide to be and approach life and situations that I am facing – thus I commit myself to embrace the possibility that I might loose my job – yet in that stand stable – and say to myself – and live the point – that if I do – I trust myself to direct my life to find a solution that is effective and best for all – to not give up or give in to fear – but to move myself and establish myself in life

Day 91: Money, My Saviour?

I’ve noticed this tendency within myself to dream about who I should be, or should experience myself somewhere out there in the future – now what I’ve seen is that this tendency to dream is always in relation to money, and the underlying energy that fuels my dreams and thoughts of the future is a anxiety and a worry.

hand-over-the-money-sirWhat I’ve realized is that I’ve separated myself from expressions such as control and power, and have defined these words in relation to money – and within this created a belief that the only way I am able to find some form of stability in this life, find my power, my direction, that is through making sure that I have got lot’s of money – that my survival is secured and I know that no matter what happens I will have enough money to survive.

The consequence of me living and participating within and as this fear is that I limit myself extensively, and instead of my decisions being self-directed and based on common sense assessments – my decisions are based in fear – they are based in worry – and they are based on starting point of looking at how I am able to survive and get my hands on the money I think I require in order to live the words stability, power and control.

I also see that I’ve defined success in relation to money as equal to success in my life – meaning: that I believe that when I get lot’s of money I will also get lot’s of life, my life will be whole, fulfilled, and complete, because I managed to attain the money I needed and required. This is also a very limited belief and the consequence is that my life will not in anyway be about living, about me walking the process of birthing myself and the rest of this world to life, no – it will be about me acquiring money without any awareness – without any consideration for what is best for all – and that is a life of limitation.

I experience fear and worry as very convincing experiences and it’s fascinating that in the moment as they come up – especially when it’s related to the future and money – I will follow it and go with it without any question, suspicion, or resistance – I will just follow it and it takes me wherever it wants to – and I see that this must stop; I do not want to spend my existence being a follower of fear and accepting and allowing fear to make decisions for me – and accept and allow worry to make decisions for me – I want to make decisions in my life and within that be unconditional – wherein there is no fear – no worry – and no anxiety that controls my direction and movement in life – because I control and direct myself.

I’ve got a long process to go before I will be able to stand in such a unwavering point of stability but this is my commitment to myself – that I will patiently walk through my relationship to fear and correct my relationship to fear so that I can walk and stand in this lifetime fearless yet cautious and aware of the fact that this reality is a reality of consequence.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine, think about, and fantasize about a bright future in relation to money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define points such as stability, control, and power in relation to money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to be stable – in order to be effective – in order to move myself in this world and be complete and fulfilled and stand whole in each and every moment – I require to have lot’s of money – lot’s of material possessions – lot’s of things around me that I can call my things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become completely lost within and as fear, worry and anxiety in relation to the future – existing in a state of petrification that I will not be able to get sufficient with money in the future in order to define myself as being successful – and a “good citizen” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the mind – as fear and worry – thinking – perceiving and believing that if I don’t hold unto this fear and make sure that I listen to this fear – then my life will become non-existent and I will not be able to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fear my rule of law – and believe fear – follow fear – and accept and allow fear to guide me when it comes up in relation to the future – and in relation to money; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through this fear – and to realize that fear sucks – that fear is this complete enslavement mechanism that makes me passive – that makes me ineffective – and that creates consequences in my life in that I won’t ever in-fact live but only ever follow my fear – and listen to what my fear have to say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in following my fear and accepting and allowing my fear to make decisions for me I am abdicating my power – I am abdicating my ability to control myself and my life – because instead of being here and directing myself I am accepting and allowing fear to be my direction – fear to be my movement forward – fear to be my guide and my teacher; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here and push and direct myself through this fear – to bring myself back here to that which is real and of actual substance and value – which is my physical direct reality here – my physical body here – that which really in-fact gives life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into believing that money gives life when really it’s the human physical body that gives life – that makes life possible – that is life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value money more than my human physical body – to value money more than my physical direct reality here – to value money more than in-fact living and participating here in each and every moment of breath; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to make a stand within and as myself – and walk through this anxiety and fear and realize that on the other side there is nothing to fear – because my fears are not real they are based on assumptions, based on interpretations, based on ideas, and not on what is in-fact here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear and to blame my external physical reality as being the cause of my fear – and thinking that this fear experience I have can’t stop because it’s apparently real – it’s apparently valid – and it’s apparently a part of my human nature to experience fear – and as such and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my fear and to realize that regardless of the state of my physical reality – I create fear – I stand as the origin and cause of fear – and that accordingly I require to take responsibility for my fear – I require to stop my fear – I require to direct and move myself through my fear and not anymore accept and allow myself to be at the mercy of such a limited energy as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of fear because I believe that fear will guide me to my dreams – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my dreams without question as apparently being real – as apparently having value – as apparently showing me a part of reality that I am able to get if I have sufficient with money; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body HERE – with and as my breath HERE – to push myself to remain HERE in every moment and to not wander off in my mind – to not accept and allow the mind to take me for a spin in my head but that I instead remain here – physical – practical – direct – effective – and that I decide who I am and not fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let fear decide who I am – and to without question accept fear to decide who I am – and how I should experience myself – and to believe that it’s actually real what I am going through and that as such there is nothing I am able to do about it – as apparently this experience of fear is simply real and thus all I am able to do is follow it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath and bring myself back here – and stop this following pattern – wanting to become – wanting to be – wanting to be guided by this fear – and instead develop myself HERE and walk breath by breath in every moment and not accept and allow fear to be the principle by which I live and direct myself

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear in relation to the future, or in relation to money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this fear is sucking the life out of me – and that it’s not even real, cohesive and actual – it’s simply a energy that comes up within me demanding my attention; as such I commit myself to breath through this energy – to breath through the imaginations of the mind – the dreams – and the hopes and to instead be HERE with and as my human physical body – with my breath – with my physical heart-beat – with that which is real – and I commit myself to live moment by moment and create my future HERE in every moment of breath – and not from within and as a starting point of fear from my mind

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Day 51: How I’d Like To Be Assisted

Today I am going to look closer at the point of how I’d like to be assisted, and this is so I can more effectively specify the assistance and support that I give to others, so that it’s effective, and in-fact supportive.

So, how is it that I’d like to be assisted?

help-desk-servicesWhat I can see is that I’d like to be assisted without it being about right or wrong – meaning – that I don’t want any form of judgment involved when I am assisted; I would like the other person to clearly, and effectively show me the point – and within this also share with me what it is that I am not applying effectively – and that this is done without any form of energy – and without any judgment of right and wrong.

Another thing that I’d like another to do is to be stable, and calm – and speak with a stable tone of voice – meaning that the other person do not react. I mean – I know from my own experience in life that when someone tries to “assist” me to change through being angry, or resentful – that only cause me to go into resistance, and fear – and then I am not able to actually hear what the other person is telling me because I am too busy surviving; so this is something that I must take into consideration – to not speak, and “assist” from a starting point of reaction – I mean really that is one of the primary points.

I would also like the other person to stand in my shoes so to speak, meaning that he, or she consider where I am within my process, or in relation to the point I am walking; so that the other person do not try to assist me to learn, and comprehend things that are far beyond my ability. I mean – I would like to be assisted, and supported at the level where I am at – because that would obviously be the most beneficial for me; then I would be able to relate to, and apply the information in my world.

So, I like when another “understands” me so to speak – and that the other person do not “assist” me from a starting point of expectation as “you should be able to do this by now!” – but that the other person is instead standing with me, seeing who I am within the point without any reaction – and assisting, and supporting me with gentleness, and stability to move forward on the point.

Another point that I see is important is that if another assists me, I want it to empower me – and not merely help me. I don’t want to become a charity-victim, but instead I want to be given the actual skills, know-how, and expertise to be able to empower myself to deal with my issues myself; thus – I don’t want a guru to follow around to show me how to be “right” – I want to be assisted to deal with points on my own – and thus become self-empowered.

I also want to have breathing-space – meaning that – I don’t want to be assisted and support all the time – I mean – once and a while it’s cool – but then I need sometime to melt the information, and to try it out in my own world – and walk the point; and when I am assisted all the time, constantly, I never get this breathing space to be here with me and walk the suggestions, and the support given to me in my own life.

Thus – this is how I’d like to be assisted – and accordingly this is how I will practice, and in time perfect as my application of how I assist others – oneness and equality in practical application; give as you’d like to receive.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I assist, and support another – do so from the perspective of giving as I’d like to receive – and thus ask myself how it is that I’d myself like to be assisted, and supported – and within this align to support others in such a way that is effective, and have a outflow that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I speak, and share myself with others from a starting point of assisting and supporting them – to do so within considering where the other being is in their process, and considering how I am able to speak, and place my words in such a way that will be supportive, and assisting for the other being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be specific with my words, and my behavior when I assist, and support another – and to set myself up in such a way in word, and behavior – that I make it easy, and effective for the other being to take in the information I am sharing, to understand the information, and then to apply the information in his/her world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I assist, and support others – be hard, and ruthless – and not consider another as I’d myself like to be considered – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply gentleness, and stability when I assist, and support another – and be patient with another, and not react even though the other “doesn’t get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire when I assist, and support another – that they are too immediately understand and apply the point I am explaining – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become restless, and frustrated when the other person “doesn’t seem to get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire others to feel assisted, and supported when I speak with them – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead focus upon actual assistance and support, that is not a feeling, or experience, but that is a actual physical action – as giving to another as I’d like to receive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as a weakness to consider another, and think that it’s more effective to be brutal, and ruthless – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply the principle of give as you’d like to receive; because within doing this it’s obvious that it’s not the most effective to be brutal, and ruthless – but instead being gentle, patient, and forthcoming is effective – and that is what I’d want from another

Self-commitments

When and as I am assisting and supporting another, and I see that I am doing this automatically, and without tuning my behavior in such a way that makes for a supportive outcome in the moment; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that – it’s obviously important to consider others – because unless I do I won’t be able to share my realizations with anyone – because I will not in-fact stand one and equal and be able to talk, and share myself with another directly; as such I commit myself walk the point of give as I’d like to receive when it is that I assist and support another

When and as I am speaking with another, and I see that I am speaking from a starting of “I am sharing myself so you better listen” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is not a supportive starting point to use when assisting and supporting another, because one only considers self, and not where the other being is; as such I commit myself to see, and consider the other being – and place my words in such a way that I actually support self-realization, and self-empowerment, and that I don’t have a self-interested agenda that “this is how I speak”

When and as I am assisting, and supporting another – and I notice I am not specific in my words, and behavior – and that I am instead only “going for it” without actually being stable, and clear upon what I am doing; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that importance of being specific in my words, in my behavior, in my use of tonality, in my use of facial expressions – I mean everything has an impact on the other being – and as such it’s important to align these aspects to what it is that I am doing – which is assisting and supporting another; as such I commit myself to be aware of how I impact another with my behavior, words, tonalities – and to align my expression in such a way that I support other being to become self-empowered, and self-realized

When and as I see that I am reacting to another because they don’t “get it” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I mean – I see that it’s completely unnecessary to react to this point, because it’s not like someone doesn’t understand me deliberately, and that it will help for me to become impatient, and angry – I mean because the other being will still not understand – maybe even understand even less because now I am not clear in my expression and not able to convey the point anymore; as such I commit myself to be patient, stable, and calm when I explain points – and to not react when another doesn’t understand – but simply align my words, and my expression in such a way that I support self-empowerment, and self-realization

When and as I react in anger, and frustration, feeling, and experiencing that another should immediately understand what I am saying, and being applying the information – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – obviously everyone learns at different paces and me becoming angry, or frustrated won’t change that – I mean it’s like becoming angry at a rock for the rock being a rock – it’s ridiculous and unnecessary – as such I commit myself to be calm, patient, stable, and focus my attention on breathing effectively – and walk the necessary timeline with another to bring forth a understanding – and not to judge when this timeline extends and becomes longer than “normal”

When and as I see that I am becoming focused upon wanting others to feel that I am good at assisting, and supporting – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point is in-fact making me loose focus, and attention on the point of actually assisting and supporting another – and so it all becomes about ego instead of in-fact bringing forth life; as such I commit myself to remain here with the physical and walk the point of assisting, and supporting another physically here without any point of ego disturbing me

When and as I see that I am being brutal, and ruthless with another, and that I am justifying this thinking that “this is the only way another can understand” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that the use of anger, brutality, and ruthlessness as a way to teach, and educate has proven itself extremely ineffective through the course of human history – resulting in human beings that are living in fear of punishment and that have no individual understanding, and motivation, and critical thinking skills – they are in essence slaves without a form of self existing; as such I commit myself to understand that the only way to effectively assist, and support another is through considering, and seeing them within oneness and equality – as such I commit myself to be gentle, patient, forthcoming, perceptive, and receptive – and allow myself to walk the process of assisting and supporting another without stress, without being driven to have a result – but walk breath by breath here

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Day 50: Limiting Stability With Money

An interesting reaction came up today – and yet again it was triggered in the taxi. So, what I was driving a customer – and she asked me what I studied; I said that I studied law. She then exclaimed that “those who study law does not get any jobs!” – and she continued to explain how a relative of hers had difficulty getting a job with her law-degree. In this moment I had a fear shock go up through my body – like a electrical circuit running up through my body and charging up very fast – bam!

After this happened – I noticed how my thoughts started to go into the direction of “securing survival” – and my thoughts started taking the shape of future plans – what I was going to do, how I was going to change my direction in my studies, how I could prepare myself for the worst – what might happen when I am done with my degree; so this was interesting.

StabilityIn essence – what I am able to see is that fear of survival activated and charged up through my body. What does then show me? Well it shows me how I’ve suppressed this point of fear through aligning myself with a feeling of comfort that I get through thinking that through my degree I will be able to secure a job; and when that dream/idea was ripped away from under my feet – suddenly the fear came rushing back.

Thus – it’s interesting to see that I’ve not in-fact dealt with my fear of survival – but I’ve instead suppressed it through creating beautiful dreams, and fantasies about my future – and how my future is going to be positive, comfortable, and enjoyable – because I have access to money!

This is not real stability – it’s fictional stability dependent upon money – and it’s obviously not effective to accept and allow one’s stability in oneself to be dependent upon such a unstable, and unpredictable point – I mean – I want me as stability to stand regardless of my finances, regardless of my living environment – accepting and allowing NO FEAR within me what so ever – because my stability is not defined in relation to survival – my stability is me within oneness and equality – as a living word.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as stability through being dependent upon money, and finances, and wealth to feel stable; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that I require and need to survive to be stable, and define stability as my ability to survive in this world; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place stability within me as a living word – wherein my stability as myself is not dependent upon external stimuli – but that I stand stable as a living statement of myself in every moment of breath – untouchable – and unmovable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that money gives me stability, and money gives me security – and money gives me safety – instead of accepting and allowing myself to create these points within me as living words – creating security to be self-security – creating safety to be self-comfortableness – and aligning myself with these words in such a way that I am able to live them as a statement in a breath – here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon money to be stable, to be self-confident, to be assertive, and to be effective in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a feeling of security within me in relation to dreams of me completing my studies and getting a job in order to suppress within me fear of survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, and understand that feelings of security and safety are obviously not real – I mean the nature of this existence is unpredictability – thus it’s really not possible to in-fact be safe, and secure in the meaning that one have a stable future; because things can change in one moment; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to hide from the real nature of this reality through inflating hopes, and dreams of where my education is going to lead me – instead of dealing with, and working with reality as what is actually here in-fact – which is a reality that can’t be trusted because it’s completely unpredictable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival is in essence fear of loosing control – and that I’ve tried to suppress this fear of loosing control through creating these illusory experiences of feeling safe, and secure – instead of realizing, and understanding it’s not possible to have full control in this world and reality – as such I mean any form of experience that is saying otherwise is a illusion; within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself dare to let go of my fear of loosing control – and as such align myself with living in every moment of breath – in every moment being HERE ready to die and give up all of my possessions and my accumulated life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival exists only when I do not live in-fact – because if I would live in fact there would be no fear of survival because my entire existence and focus would be HERE on the point of in-fact living – and not separated into such unnecessary and unpractical experiences as fear of survival; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with living in-fact – to live in each moment of breath in understanding that this world is in it’s very nature unpredictable – and that real living, and real life – and real experiencing – can only happen and be actual reality HERE in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to stand in the face of uncertainty, and to dare to let go of control completely – in understanding that the perfection of self-trust – is to be able to stand in every moment stable regardless of the environment – regardless of the situation – and that one in every moment of breath is fully HERE – fully directive – fully participating without separating one’s awareness and presence into experiences of fear, anxiety – and desire to have control

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I limit myself as stability, through thinking and believing that I must have money to be stable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I create myself as stability – thus I decide what stability is and this is not up to money to decide; as such I commit myself to live stability in such a way that it’s not dependent upon any form of external stimulation such as money

When and as I see that I think, and believe that I am dependent upon money to direct myself, to be assertive, and effective within my life – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that even if I’d like for money to be a god in my world – this is not so – because in the end – I am for all practical purposes god in my own world; which means in the end I decide how to experience myself – I decide who I am; as such I commit myself to live directness, and assertiveness as a unconditional self-expression as a living word that is not based upon any form of external stimuli

When and as I see that I am using dreams, hopes, and desires in order to construct a feeling of safety within me too suppress and hide from fear of loosing control, as fear of survival; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this reality is unpredictable thus there is in-fact no real safety or security – I mean – these points are merely mirages and can only be achieved to a certain extent – but the real point of this world is uncertainty; as such I commit myself to face the uncertainty of this world – and stop fearing the uncertainty of this world – but instead push myself to live for real in every moment – here – because that is a point I have full control, and responsibility over – WHO I AM – in this moment of breath

When and as I see that I am suppressing fear of survival through making up various dreams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear of survival indicates that I am not yet fully living – because if I was fully living I wouldn’t fear – I would instead LIVE; as such I commit myself simply understand that fear of survival is a indication that I do not yet live; as such I commit myself to push myself to live – living in every moment to the fullest without any regret

When and as I see that I focus upon fear of survival instead of living – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I require to shift my awareness from fear of survival – to living fully and wholly in every moment of breath; thus I commit myself to through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical – change my awareness to be life awareness – instead of fear awareness

When and as I see that I am limiting myself through thinking, and believing that I must have some form of exterior certainty – to not be afraid, to not doubt, to not worry; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in-fact all I require is to be HERE in this moment – and that really the feeling of need in relation to certainty is because I’ve not allowed myself to be certain within my application – that I am here – that I stand – that I move and that there exists no separation within me; as such I commit myself to align myself here and live as ONE and EQUAL – to as such not make myself dependent upon another in anyway what so ever

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I Am the Example That Desteni “I” Process Works!

When I started process about 3 years ago I was a wreck of fear. I seldomly spoke a word that was unconditional and not tainted with anxiety and worry. I thought about money all the time, how much money did I have? How little money did I have? Always in a constant and continuous worry and fear. Did I have enough friends? Do I have enough sexual experience? I mean, basically all the bullshit you can think off – that existed in my head and shaped the experience of me!

So, quiet fucked up. But then I found desteni and my process of purification began. Slowly I started to bring myself back to the physical and as fear or anxiety arose I breathed through it. Each time fear of money came, each time fear of the future came – I applied self-forgiveness. Or I mean, not each time – this application has actually grown with me as I’ve expanded in my process. But anyway, I’ve been quite consistent with my application of self-forgiveness and then the practical application of breathing through the shit and not re-creating it again.

And look! Look where I am at today! I mean, you can’t see it or experience it as I do, but I mean if you could – I just say wow. The experience of me, the character of me, the words that I speak, how I take decisions, how I consider implications of my participation in my world; in comparison to the old me, I am now a life rocket scientist. Meaning, my application of living is now at the level of a rocket scientist, if (apparent) intelligence was to be compared with the ability to live, and before I was a 3-year-old worm. LOL! That’s how much I’ve ‘grown’ since I began this process. Not that a rocket scientist necessarily knows anything about living, it was just an example to show my growth – from a worm to a rocket scientist.

And I mean, the experience of myself compared to before is simply astonishing. I remember that Bernard told me once on the farm, “It feels like you are dead inside”. I also experienced myself that way before. I slept 12 hours each day. I mean, I don’t feel dead anymore and I don’t sleep 12 hours each day. I don’t dread to get up in the morning anymore, I can see something new at my horizon, something that I’ve never experienced before except as a very young child. Life!

This would never have been possible without the assistance of Desteni or the courses that Desteni “I” process offer. I mean, I am the example that what Desteni say is the truth. I am the example that self-forgiveness, self-honesty and common sense are indeed the key to heaven on earth. And unfortunately I can’t invite you inside of me to see and experience the change – I would if I could!

Though, I can invite you to walk the same process that I’ve walked and as such have the opportunity to give yourself the gift that I’ve given to me. Then you don’t require looking inside of me, because you will look inside of yourself and there will be this silence and comfortableness within you, in which you simply feel at home. That is life – real satisfaction with no fear or desire and this is possible for each and everyone to experience. Our system of money, greed and fear is not the only way to live – there is another way! It’s a way to experience heaven on earth – which is you in full application of yourself as self-trust.

So, don’t wait – don’t hesitate – join desteni “I” process and discover that the meaning of life is here – as yourself – as breath – as the physical.