Tag Archives: star

Day 282: A Hell of A Day

Today, I had a hell of a day. And with that, I mean that I had a day where I faced many new experiences, and reactions, of which, particularly one stands out – the desire to impress, and its polarity opposite, the fear of being useless.

I really enjoy the way that my work is challenging me when it comes to this point. Because my work currently is about tightly cooperating with others, and in that my efforts are continuously being evaluated, by myself obviously, and the benchmark of my evaluations is how I perceive that others see/receive my work. For instance today, I had a moment where I walked up to one of my colleagues, as we where to have a meeting, and it turned out that I was half an hour early to the meeting – lol. In that I moment I experienced a big fat embarrassment in my chest area, as well as a fear tightening my chest – because in that moment I perceived my actions/behavior as a weakness.

So, it is interesting how deeply ingrained this point is within me of wanting/desiring to be someone to another, and how severely it is limiting me. Fact is, that when I strive to be something for another, my experience of myself in what I am doing shifts from me, here, applying myself, to learn, expand and grow in my application, into a state of fear, where the murmuring backchat is of the following nature: ‘What do they think of me?’ – ‘Did I do this right?’ – ‘Did I make a fool out of myself now?’ – ‘Oh my god, they are going to dislike me forever now!’ – it is like a constant momentum of anxiety that I get pulled into that then defines my day, my work, and what I do.

And, the interesting part of this is that I know how much I could enjoy my work, and the learning experience I could create it to be, if I would be able to let go of my drive to please, and my fear of displeasing – because the work offers so much potential for learning, growing, expanding and becoming more effective. Really, it is similar to school, we constantly do things because others tell us to, and after a while it is all about the recognition, all about what others think of us, and not about our own expression/experience/momentum within what we are doing.

The solution is to redefine work, redefine living, redefine myself, from survival to living – and that means – understanding that life becomes so much more when the veils of fear are released and one is instead able to focus on the actual living, the actual participation, the actual interaction with life here – and one have energy, and space within to process this world, and all the information that is constantly moving. From what I see for myself, what stands in my way is fears and desires – very basic mental experiences that are stopping me from becoming what I can become. Because I do like my chosen profession, I do like the constant learning, expanding, and growing that exists within it – however to really access that potential fear must go.

However, I will not give up until I am able to stand, and walk in my chosen profession as an expression of real living, with no fear – that is my reference point – that is my goal and where I want to get to. Now the work begins to get there, which involves, applying self-forgiveness, and the specifying my corrective applications. Challenges, mistakes, faults, and errors are not meant to be feared – we are supposed to learn from them, grow, expand and welcome them into our lives, as they offer us an opportunity to become even more effective.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being appreciated by my colleagues or bosses – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon others appreciating me, others thinking that I am good, others defining me as being an asset, etc. and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this to myself

I recognize that I am an asset, that I have many qualities, skills and abilities that I can use to give and create a world that is better for all participants involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being outcasted by my colleagues and bosses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes – in the fear that my colleagues or bosses are then going to judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in fear of what that might lead to and create in my life in terms of future career opportunities – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed about my future – about what might come to pass – and forget about myself here in the moment – and the process that I am walking – and how I can in-fact use what I am doing to empower myself as an individual – however it is required then that I push the point of actually doing it for and as myself and not to satisfy my bosses and colleagues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my life when I am out in the system, working, creating relationships, and more, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this experience thinking that life is dangerous, that I need this fear to keep on my toes, not realizing that it’s not about need – it is about habit – and within that not realizing that I can create for more supportive ways of living and participating in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a reason as to why very few people are able to become knowledgeable and superior in their professional field is because the focus is elsewhere, the focus is not on learning, understanding and empowering oneself within the work one is doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to empower myself in my field, I must focus on the work, the field, and the learning of that work, that must be where my energy goes, and in this I cannot accept and allow fear to be a part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not presenting a good enough work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when my focus is on presenting a good work to another, then I am not actually focusing on the work that I am doing HERE – and how I can empower myself within the work that I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to remember is that what I focus on will grow – if I focus on what I fear – that will grow – if I instead focus on my relationship and application within the work that I do – then that will grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, when and as I notice that I am getting high strung at work, and I go into some form of a rush-energy, to take a moment to stop up, to go grab a cup of coffee, drink some water, or take a walk, and support myself to get out of that experience, or apply some self-forgiveness, stop up for some moments and ground myself back into my body, remind myself of my starting point, my why in the work that I am doing, to learn as much as possible, to expand, and empower myself within the field of law, to in the future be able to use this to create a difference in this world that will make life better for all human beings – that is my starting point – not fear – not anxiety – not worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, because I fear that my superiors are going to judge me, and that this will have ramifications for me in that I will not be able to get a job in the future, and feel secure and safe in my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with regards to money, and security, exist in this polarity, where I sometimes, usually when I get money, feel secure, safe, and sound, and then when I am at work, and I perceive that there is a risk I am not going to get money, go into fear, anxiety, and worry that I am not going to be able to survive, because I might become fired from my job – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my participation in this sense/feeling of security is actually creating the opposite polarity of fear, and anxiety – and hence I commit myself to let go of both of these polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my colleagues or bosses are cryptically judging, or showing their discontent with me, when they look a little angry, or say something that could be interpreted as them thinking that I am not good at what I am doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no point in caring what others think about me – what is important is that I know what I am doing – I know what I am pushing – I know what I am walking – and that I am walking to my utmost ability – and in that I know that I am doing what I can do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is that I must take ownership of my life, my work, my professional career, everything I do, make it mine and thus not anymore do it to satisfy another – but to create a purpose within it that I can walk, where I have my starting point, where I have my direction, and where I know/see how I am going to create myself within it all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to use my current work to learn as much about law and the legal system as I am able to – and I commit myself to focus my physical and mental energy on this process of learning, of understanding, and seeing the flaws, and mistakes, and the machinery of this system, and thus not anymore accept and allow fear to be a focus in my day-to-day living

When and as I notice that I am going into a state of rush, and inner speed, and where this is shown through becoming absent minded, forgetting things, and being generally incapable of focusing effectively, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that to ground myself back in my body, I require some moments for myself – I require some moments of breathing, applying self-forgiveness, and focusing myself back here – and thus I commit myself to give myself those moments – there is time for that – because I realize what a difference this will make for me – and how much more comfortable and relaxed I will be in my physical body as I get home – and how much more rested I will be as I wake up the next day – as I will not have abused and harmed my body through participating in stress, anxiety, and fear

I commit myself to walk my life with no fear, stress and anxiety, and show that it is possible to do this – and I commit myself to not fear mistakes

I commit myself to in relation to my profession, my career, to create a purpose within it, to thus create ownership in relation to all parts of my life, so that I am walking/creating for and as myself – walking and creating according to my plans, and according to what I see myself achieving in this life, and hence not within and as the fear of what my bosses, and colleagues might think about me – and thus I commit myself to take ownership in all parts of my life – to redefine who I am in the areas of my life where I notice that there is still fear and anxiety – as I understand that such reactions indicate that there is till a separation and that I have not effectively claimed ownership in relation to the point

Day 180: Becoming Something Or Being Something

One experience that tends to come up within me as I raise up in the mornings, is a sense of inadequacy, defeat and lack of success – this experience then triggers me to go into my mind and find some form of reason that would be suitable to justify and fit into this initial experience – and my thoughts will then go into looking at my life, looking at what I am doing with my time; am I achieving enough? Am I completing enough things? Does my life move, as I’d like it to move? Am I really doing as much as I want to do with my life?

The interesting thing about this, is the fact that I am already utilizing my time very effectively, I am literally busy almost from the moment that I wake up until the moment that I go to bed, and some days I give myself time for entertainment and relaxation, but it’s not something that I do excessively, or over the brim – practically speaking – I am satisfied with how I am moving myself throughout my day – there is a constancy, a drive, and a motion forward – and that is what I want; but STILL – this experience emerge within me.

This then begs the question, what the heck is it that is going on within me, where does this experience really come from?

One aspect that stands out in the experience is fear, there is a underlying and glooming fear that permeates these thoughts, and images that comes up in my mind, showing me how I am not “doing enough with my life” – thus: What is occurring and coming up within is really a fear of not being able to leave a mark – a fear of leaving this world in a state of being unknown, unrecognized, and undistinguished – a.k.a. a nobody.

One of the consequences I create for myself through going into this experience is that I will stress myself throughout my day, I will constantly, and continuously move myself to new points, save more time, become more productive, become more effective, more enhanced, precise, and specific, up the output even more – it can likened with how our industrial revolution have changed the manner in which manual labor is performed.

Because, before the machine, before the global crisis, there was a sense of enjoyment in labor, and the pace of labor was not that of upping the output, but rather moving the point, getting it done, and producing a satisfying result – here thus there was no greed as is the case today – where we constantly want more, get more, push more, develop more, get more out of it – back in the day such concepts had much less force than is the case today: A farmer would wake up – walk through his routine – handle the points that was required to be handled – care for his farm and his beasts – and then go to bed – the farmer was then neither famous or distinguished but that was irrelevant in a time and age where media and fame was unknown.

Thus, what I see, is that this tendency, and character that comes up within me – let’s call it the I-want-more-character – is really a outflow consequence of our modern day way of looking at and perceiving life – wherein we tend to see life as this momentum of time that is here for us to make an imprint and satisfy our urges – and unless we’re able to get our individuality through and make some form of mark – our lives have been lived in vain: And obviously – this is a completely ridiculous and futile way of living life – because where is it getting us? Nowhere! And what we miss is the present breath – miss standing here and smelling the roses – looking at what is here and that is offered with each breath – and each moment.

Thus, what I see that there is a clear correction for this point – and that is to practice valuing and appreciating what I have here in my life at this moment – valuing and appreciating the simple things in life – such as breathing – such as sharing a moment with another – such as drinking a coffee – and in this realize that while I am here in this life – I require to give myself direction and movement – and do something with myself; that direction might or might not cause me to become observable and seen by others – yet it can’t be a purpose in itself – it can’t be something that defines and marks me – because I must stand as that point for myself – and wake up each morning – stable – regardless of my position, my prominence or notoriety in this world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my satisfaction with myself upon whether I am succeeding in the eyes of the world or not, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define success, to define notoriety, to define eminence and greatness in this world, as something to strive for, and as something that will enhance my life with substance, purpose, and meaning – and that only when I achieve these things will I be able to let my guard down – and come down to earth – and relax myself; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with wanting to create a life for myself – from within and as the belief that it’s my life that defines who I am – that defines what I am – and that gives me value, substance and purpose – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that it’s ME that decides to give me purpose, value and meaning – and that it’s not something that I can wait for or expect to be given to me from the outside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning and experience myself as being empty, barren and idle – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my living, life and movement is pointless, and lacks substance, and lacks life, and that it will remain as such until I am able to achieve a position of fame, and fortune, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to burnt into my mind, that I must make something of myself, that I must leave a mark, that I must be significant, that I must become famous, and recognized, before I am able to let go, enjoy myself, and participate in this world in stability, in breath, and in hereness with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that there is something wrong with leading a normal life, a life that is without extravagance, a life that is without purpose, or fame, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I wake up in the morning, to look at my life from a starting point of the pictures that occupies and makes up the visual aspect of my world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself – to not see WHO I AM in my life and WHAT I LIVE – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what is important – what is important is who I am – is what I will accept and allow in each and every moment of breath – is what I will myself to stand and live as in this world – and what I will myself to walk – and the principle from within which I apply myself and move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself, and define whether I am successful or not, whether I am moving myself or not, upon the basis of how my external world responds, and think and believe that I am moving myself, that I am being successful, that I am being distinguished, and that I have value, when my external environment rewards me, gives me attention, notices me, and gratify me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for another to make me whole and complete – and believe that this is what lacks in my life – that there must be some tumultuous and great event that occurs – and that makes my life meaningful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am really in a perfect position to walk my process in my current environment, that everything is set, everything is stable, everything is positioned effectively, and thus all I require to do is to walk – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this idea that there is something more required, some form of greatness, and superiority, and magnificent occurrence that must be realized, is completely ludicrous, and doesn’t belong in me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and push myself to walk moment by moment – to push myself and will myself to value and appreciate myself – and what is here in my world – to realize that everything is already here and that thus – I don’t require anything more or better – or leaving a mark in someway – because such a point isn’t real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and make the decision to value myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in comparisons within me – wherein I will compare myself to certain individuals in my world – that I perceive are leading successful and notable lives – wherein they have earned prominence and are seen as illustrious – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that unless I reach and create a similar point for myself in my life – than my life will be without meaning and purpose – and will lack substance – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is me – myself – that gives my life substance, meaning, and worth – and how it is me that gives myself the opportunity and the freedom to create myself – and build myself – and that I don’t require my external environment to change – for me to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here – and realize that HERE is life – that life is not out there in creating a idea world for myself – of me being noticed and distinguished – but rather life is HERE – life is the breath I breathe – life is the physical that surrounds me – life is the wind that brushes my cheek and the sunbeams that grazes my chins – and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to recognize and embrace the fullness and completeness of life that is here in every moment for me to participate and partake within – that I am limiting myself from doing – when and as I am participating in my mind in someway or another

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am participating in my mind, and I am leaving this here-moment in order to be in a future, where I perceive that I will gain reputation, eminence, and within that purpose, and substance, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that living, that moving, and that participating in this world is an opportunity for me to stand with life, and that I don’t have to create this glorious and magnificent life for myself, wherein my presence is known, respected and distinguished, but that I can live fulfillment and substance here as a decision that I make in every moment of breath – that I am here – I live – I move and I act – I stand and I participate and I don’t accept and allow myself to be limited by an idea of an future in my mind; thus I commit myself to live HERE and to value and appreciate the life that is here in every moment – to value and appreciate the life that is me here in every moment

I commit myself to value and appreciate the simplicity of life that surrounds me and that is here in every moment of breath – and I commit myself to wake up in the morning and appreciate the fullness of life that exists here and that I am able to partake within when and as I let go of the mind and the illusions of “being somebody” and “making something out of myself” – and thus I commit myself be HERE with and as my human physical body – and equalize myself within and as the exuberance of life as equality and oneness here