Tag Archives: strength

Day 444: Insecurity = Not Seeing Me

Some week ago I received praise from a colleague as to my ability to handle certain tasks at work. I became moved and felt very happy and also surprised, because I did not see myself the same way my colleague did. Later, I reflected on the event, and I have come to see how these reactions of happiness and surprise, actually indicates a deep seated insecurity.

I look at it the following way. If I would have been secure within myself, if I had recognized my weaknesses and strengths, and known what I was capable of, would I then have reacted the way that I did? The way I see insecurity is that it has a lot to do with undermining, devaluing and diminishing myself, and hence because of this, missing/not seeing WHO I AM. Thus, when someone else comes into my life, and tells me that I am really good at something, I get thrown off my feet with gratefulness and satisfaction. The real question though is why I have not accepted and allowed myself to give these expressions/words to myself – why wait for someone else to do it for me?

In Sweden we have a mentality called the “tall poppy syndrome” – which means that if you do acquire skill/status/money or similar above the average, it is seen as bad and socially unacceptable to speak about it and recognize it. This mentality pervades in the Swedish society. It is thus interesting that, many rich people in Sweden, live as if they had an average income. This mentality obviously becomes a problem in the sense that excellence and success many times, at least silently, is shunned and repressed – and if someone does reach excellence – he or she will not speak about it. However, suppressing stories of success actually depraves everyone of the opportunity to grow and learn through the example of another.

From what I can see, I have internalized this tall poppy syndrome because fact is that I am very good at my work, I am thorough, I am self-reliant and assertive in handling my responsibilities – though – I have not recognized this for myself. And obviously, this tendency of mine, to not see and evaluate myself, and give me credit when credit is due, also has the consequence that I am not as open to seeing and recognizing my weaknesses. Because, what is the point of changing a weakness into a strength if I do not recognize it for myself? Then it is better to keep everything average, takes less effort.

Another consequence of me not recognizing what I am good at, my successes and achievements, is that I do not want to recognize such in others as either. Instead, when another achieves, grows and expands, I become jealous, and feel bereft. And then I want to bring another down to the level of average, in the belief, that this is what I am, and that I cannot become more. Though, what is missed is that I can obviously learn and become inspired by the successes of another. And the expansion of the life of one person is not only of value to that particular individual, as we live in a interconnected reality – and hence – when one of us becomes better – this will ripple into the lives of everyone else as well.

Thus, insecurity, it is when I do not give myself credit where credit is due, because I believe that I am not worthy/respectable/good enough to do it for myself. And then I instead wait and hope for others to do it. I strive and fight to achieve some form of recognition, all because I did not give it to myself. A solution that I see for myself when I receive positive feedback, is that instead of going into a feeling of happiness, pride and joy, to instead look at the feedback objectively – to bring it within me and then see if I agree with this feedback – and if I do – to then recognize my ability/skill/success for and as myself.

And then, I can expand this point even more, by then looking at how I can improve/move/further/strengthen my point of success even more. Because why accept myself to be satisfied with being really good at something, when I can most likely, become even better at it? And further – to also push myself to recognize my weaknesses, and actively practice changing these weaknesses into strengths. That is how I can start recognizing myself instead of needing others to do it for me.


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Day 299: Anxiety and Fear When I Am In The Center of Everyone’s Attention

Today a situation played out at work where I for a moment was in the center of everyone’s attention. This brought a emotion of feeling uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety – because when I am in the center of attention – I have this tendency to think about how I am perceived and seen by others.

I have written about this point before, and also been able to change and direct this experience during a couple of instances, and now I fell, which was a bit disappointing to me. As the point was playing out, I did have a vague inner voice saying that I can correct my experience by placing my attention and focus on breath, and also apply self-forgiveness. However, that inner vague voice never materialized, as I did not act on it. And afterwards, I was sitting with this experience in myself; why did I not change, or direct this experience within me?

Hence, in this blog I am going to work with this experience further, and also clarify a couple of points to myself, and also for you, the reader as well. Firstly, what defines me is not the fall in itself, rather it is WHO I AM after the fall, and what actions I decide to walk to support myself to transcend and learn to direct the experience. Thus, in this case, I am sitting down to write out the experience, investigate it, learn from it, and eventually learn to direct it.

Secondly, I can either look at a fall as something to resent, OR, I can use a fall to my advantage – and utilize it to expand myself in my process of self-creation. This is what I am doing here through writing this blog, I am standing up within myself, saying to myself, that this experience and way of interacting with other people is not something that I wish to have as a part of my character – instead I want to be able to be in the center of attention and remain STABLE, CALM, SELF-DIRECTED, in SELF-CERTAINTY and SELF-CONFIDENCE, and be RELAXED and at EASE in my physical body. That is the vision I see for myself, and what I want to establish in my life when it comes to social interactions, and when it comes to being in the center of attention.

That being established, lets look at the specifics of this moment particular moment. I can see that the origin point, the underlying issue is in-fact self-judgment. This self-judgment is then projected unto others and takes shape in backchat such as; “What do others think about me?” – “What do others see in me?” – “Do others like me or not?” – and so forth. It also takes the shape of uncertainty, because in judging myself, I am trying to be something or someone that I hope can be accepted by another, and looking at it more deeply, actually accepted by myself.

I can see this judgment towards myself coming up when it comes to establishing relationships with others. Because, when it comes to for example, deciding to meet another, and that person does not immediately show up on time; I will have backchat come up that this person does not like me, that I have done something wrong, that I have not acted properly, that they have in some way decided to push me out of their lives because they are not content with me. Hence, this shows that on a deep level within me, I do not see or recognize my own value, I do not accept myself as being valuable. And that is why I feel so happy and positive when people seem to take a liking to me, because in my twisted self-image, I do no see myself as worthy of such a relationship.

What is the solution?

It is quite simple; practice self-acceptance and valuing myself – RECOGNIZING and SEEING the value in myself. Giving myself recognition for my strengths, skills, and abilities, and for the integrity that I have developed throughout this process. There is much more to me than I admit, a unassailable value that I have not allowed myself to embrace and stand with – as I have seen myself as flawed and imperfect. That is what must change.

So, a solution can be, that when I notice this anxiety, stress and uncertainty come up within me – that I state within myself my qualities for which I am genuinely proud – such as: Discipline, Integrity, Openness, Loyal, Curious, Investigative, Questioning, Expressive, Spontaneous, Specific, Focused, Detailed, and Structured – these are qualities that I see and recognize in myself and for which I value myself.

And thus – it is a matter of continuously stopping this self-abuse of focusing on my flaws and weaknesses, and also seeing my positive and strong sides. And then also, to accept my bad sides, to not try to hide or suppress the fact that I do have weaknesses, but to accept and embrace the entirety of me. Because suppression does not work, and real self-change cannot take place unless I allow myself to SEE what it is within me that is required to be changed and directed.

Day 193: Wiping Your Eyes and Survival

One point that has come up recently is me reacting in irritation when as my partner touch her face – and clears her eyes – I am going to take a deeper look at this point in this blog.

So, what I am able to see is that act of touching one’s facing and clearing one’s eyes definitely has no negative impact on the physical world or the human physical body – and that being irritated about this is one of those irrational and unnecessary points – that simply doesn’t serve any purpose whatsoever.

I can also see that the reaction in itself doesn’t have anything to do with the actual act of my partner wiping her eyes – rather it’s about the symbolical representation of this – and what I perceive that this act means = I see it as a form of tiredness and acknowledgement that one is not in a optimum physical state – but that one is sluggish and not energetic – not sprawling with life – and not exuding a desire to create and move forward – and this is something that I then judge and look down upon.

It’s thus not about the actual act of my partner wiping her face – it’s about how I perceive that this is somehow an act of weakness – and apparently – according to the logic I currently possess – this weakness is bad. This goes hand in hand with the idea that my partner is apparently my ‘possession’ and that a ‘weakness’ in my partner shows a weakness in myself – and in order for me to be a winner and victorious in this world – I apparently require to surround myself with people (and a partner) that exudes superiority and excellence – because then I can perceive myself as that point of superiority and excellence and feel like a winner.

In the end it comes down to survival – and how I want to change my partner to be the way that I perceive a successful survivor to be – someone that wins and that is able to take this world with storm and walk out of it with the highest price – this is thus where the reaction comes – it’s that my partner is not at that very moment fulfilling and satisfying my idea of winning and superiority – and how I want my relationship to be reflected and shown in the world – and obviously this is quite a fuck-up – because a relationship shouldn’t be about me presenting a successful image to the world – it should be about me getting to know another – walking with and supporting another – and assisting each-other in this process of self-creation – walking a relationship should be about WHO I AM and getting to know the WHO of another – not merely creating ideas of another and wanting them to satisfy ideals and perceptions of what it means to be a successful and strong survivor.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view and value my partner and my relationships with others according to how I am able to use these points in order to further my self-interest and win in the system – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with and only care about wanting to win – and wanting to achieve a form of superiority in the world wherein I get attention and notice for how grand and effective I am in my life and in my application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge wiping one’s eyes and touching one’s face as being a sign and representation of inferiority and lack of discipline – and strength – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this point – and go into anger and irritation when and as I see that my partner does this thing – thinking that it signifies and shows a weakness – and that it makes me look bad in the world system of competition – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach relationships – and life in general – from within and as a starting point of competition – wherein I want to place myself in such a way that I am sure that I’ll be able to survive – and win – and compete with others and be in a favorable and superior position in comparison with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to win – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my life from a starting point of competition – wherein I believe that the only valid and meaningful purpose in life is to compete – and is to prove myself as being superior and competitive – and more than; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate my relationship with my partner from this perspective – that it’s only valuable when it supports me in my endeavor to win – and be victorious – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is much more to a relationship – and to life – that life doesn’t need to be about competition – but that I can instead live here within and as equality – and stand equal with life – and thus realize that equality is real fulfillment – that equality is real satisfaction – that standing here and grounding myself in the physical and re-aligning my starting point to not be about winning – but rather about me creating a world that is best for all – that is a way to live and participate which is of real significance and impact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate not being competitive in this world as being a weakness – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that competition – and trying to get the better hand in the game of survival is not a representation of real strength – because real strength is about me making a decision to actually live and move myself within a purpose and starting point that goes beyond my personal desires – and my personal self-interest – wherein I place myself in a position within where I consider and look at what is best for all – and make that my starting point and from where I make decisions and from where I move myself to take in a position – or walk a relationship – thus not making it to be all about myself and who’s winning and who isn’t – but instead making sure that all are winners – and that all are cared for equally – and that nobody gets left behind

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to actively ask myself how I am able to move and participate and create to bring about a change that is best for all – and I commit myself to look at my life as an opportunity for me to bring about change in this world permanently and substantially – and make this my priority – and place everything else second to that

I commit myself to realize that winning is not real when only one person wins – that is not winning – it’s rather a form of abuse and bullying that takes place against those less fortunate – and thus I commit myself to re-align myself walk towards a common ground and common point where all are winners – and thus I commit myself to stop judging my partner – when she touches her face and wipes her eyes – and realize that I am not in this relationship to further my self-interest and ‘win’ in this world – but I am here to get to know another for real – and to create something of value and worth that stand beyond competition – that stand beyond winning and loosing – that honor the equality that is here between all various expressions in this physical world and reality

Day 129: What Happens When I Exercise?

Today I did some exercising, and in doing that I applied the techniques, and methods shared in this (https://eqafe.com/p/exercising-your-quantum-mind-with-clarity-quantum-mind-self-awareness) Eqafe Interview. What is suggested is to when exercising, to be aware of where it is the mind moves, what thoughts comes up, what backchats, what images and fantasies, because these are specific points that the mind will attempt to strengthen.

When I did my exercising I noticed that my thoughts were primarily going towards two points, and the one of these was work, career, and money – and the other was sex. More specifically, the work and career point circled around education, and I could see how I was planning for the future in my mind, trying to calculate what would be the best option, and route for me to go. In regards to the sex point, it was more specifically around the point of ‘trying to find satisfaction’ – wherein my backchat was going to various problems I experience in relation to sex, and sexuality, and in that blaming other persons, eventualities, and life in general, for my experience of myself within and as sex.

Thus, the subsequent text is dedicated to self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements on the first of these mentioned points.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan and calculate in my mind what education I should take, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these ‘planning thoughts’ are not self-directed, and that the origin of these thoughts are in-fact fear – as fear of the future – fear of the unknown – fear of survival – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not trust myself that regardless of the choice of education I make – that I will deal with the situation that arise and find a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in my education, instead placing trust in myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in money, and to place trust in the system, instead of placing trust in myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the system, money, and education to live my life for me – and hope that all will be well as long as I walk these points somewhat satisfactorily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that education, money, and the system are but tools that I am able to utilize in creating myself and my life – yet the primary responsibility always lies with me – and as such I see, realize and understand that trust must be placed within me – because I will be the point that stands and face and walk through my life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I place trust outside of myself, I am creating, and generating anxiety, and fear, because I will attempt and try to control that point outside me, all the while knowing, that this particular point can’t be controlled, and can’t be mastered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize, dream and imagine about having the perfect career, and the perfect education, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into this dream, and symbol of the perfect life, project an experience of calm, serenity, and security, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to live these words as calm, serenity, and security, I must have an education, I must have a job, I must have an income, I must have this shining, bright, and promising future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve within this separated myself from the words of calm, serenity, and security

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to live stability, and to strive to feel calm, serene, and secure in my life through attempting and trying to attain the perfect career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am limiting myself through believing that in order for me to live a life of serenity, calm and security, I must have a career, I must be hired by someone and have a job, have a family, and have a house, with a dog – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to make each moment an expression of myself wherein I decide to relax my body, to let go of that fear, and anxious and allow myself to FEEL and BE here with this moment, and as such live serenity, security, and calm – as me being serene here – fully present in this moment – as me being securely stabilized within and as my physical awareness and presence here, as me being calm and physically relaxed, not accepting and allowing any form of mind participation in myself – but that I am instead fully here – fully with the present moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how a career, and how money, and how property can’t give me what I desire, because the fact is that attempting and trying to reach these points in life is only an attempt to suppress the inherent point of fear of survival that exists within all human beings, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with, and correct the origin point which makes me go into these dreams and fantasies, which is fear of survival, fear of the unpredictable, fear of a sudden death, fear of a unpredictable death, fear of not being able to foresee my coming life and plan it to fit my desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that fear of survival is what makes me not live in the first place, thus living my life within and as fear of survival is equal and one to not living at all, thus it’s really quite ironic to fear for one’s survival while one don’t even live in the first place – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the focus, and importance of my life to actually learn to live – to actually learn to appreciate and be grateful for this physical world and the moment to moment living that it exists within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the perfect career will not save me from my own fear, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my survival, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my future, and to fear for my continued existence in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life to be all about fear, and believing that I require to protect myself from this fear, and build my life as a wall trying to remove, and separate myself from this fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simplicity of forgiving the fear, of letting go of the fear, of simply not accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear is a human creation, that fear is not natural, it’s not something that should exist within me, it’s rather something that I’ve accepted, and something that I’ve allowed to grow within me, to the point of complete possession, and complete control – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove these plants of fear within me, realizing that there is nothing in this world that can save me from fear, there is no career, no house, no salary, no future, no partner, no love, no child, no family that can save me from myself and my own self-created hell – as fear – and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to understand that when fear comes up within me – the solution is to STOP participating – to FORGIVE and let go – and not to try to protect myself from it through in my mind building the apparent ‘perfect’ protected life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I look at the future, and I look at various possibilities, as what I might do, or not do, to go into fear, and to fear that I will select and walk the wrong possibility, the possibility that will not lead me to a protected, safe, and guarded life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is no protected, secure, and guarded life, how there is in reality only the physical here – and this world and it’s nature is completely unpredictable – and as such I am in effect not able to protect myself – and as such the solution is not to build a secure future for myself – but to release myself from this possession of fear that I’ve accepted and allowed within me – and to instead push and will myself to embrace the future – and walk into the unknown – trusting myself that I will be able to deal with the situations that arise

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear of the future, and I begin to project, dream and fantasize about the perfect life, the perfect future, the secure, stable, and easy future that will make me feel so grounded, serene, and calm – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I realize that there is no future that can save me from myself – and there is not future that is a solution to fear – because fear is self-generated – self-created – self-willed – and as such I commit myself to BREATHE and to live HERE within and as the physical – and be physically calm and relaxed with my body – stable in my breathing – and as such practically live the words serenity, calm, and security – here within and as my human physical body as myself – and as such let go of the projection of these words apparently being out there in some form of career

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Redefining Words II

Letting go

Letting go is the application of and as self, as self breathing out – sighing – ahh! – and within this breath out, as a sigh – release self from any form of worry, concern, nervousness, or anxiety – any form of self-limitation as energy of the mind; and within this self is boundless, expressing one and equal as this letting go, as this sigh – as forgetting for a moment where self is, how self is, when self, to instead simply relax – and take a deep breath, merging with the physical, embracing the physical, and appreciating self as the physical.

Compromise

Compromise is when self gives into the delusions of the mind, as the belief that anything self experience within self, is in anyway related to a outside source – when in-fact all and everything self experience – is self – one and equal – to compromise is as such to make oneself believe that there is something wrong with one’s world and reality, as it’s apparently creating something within oneself, and then one give all one’s attention to this apparent outside problem – instead of taking self-responsibility – looking within – and correcting the experience, and the issue at it’s origin – which is self.

Participation

Participation is the application of self, as self moving self with others – talking – touching – breathing – sensing – looking – smelling – being here with the physical – being here with others – and not accepting and allowing self to seclude self into and as the mind, as experience, as self-limitation, as fear and anxiety – worry and concern; participation is the willing of self to not remain invisible in this reality, but to face this reality – to speak up – to direct self – and to not accept and allow self to disappear due to fear.

Embracing

Embracing is when self take an experience within self, a situation, a resistance, a thought, anything – and hold it within self – feel it – experience it – investigate it – discern it – smell it – see it – and in-fact get to know it – without going into a judgment, or a experience – without creating a like or a dislike towards the point, without in-fact separating self from the point – but instead standing one and equal to the point here.

A new born Child

A new born Child is the future of the world – it’s the yet to be manifest future – it’s untouched, and unhibited potential – the potential for a reality that is best for all – a new born Child does not represent hope – it represents the actuality of the truth that what you give you’ll receive, and as such when you grant the child with effective education, with supportive guidance – the child will blossom and bring forth a new reality, as it itself, that is best for all – thus what we give to a new born Child we give to ourselves as our future.

Steadfastness

Steadfastness is to have self’s eyes fixed on the final outcome – wherein self is determined, decisive, untouchable in terms of walking through any and all points that might arise both within, and without – and wherein self stand as the point of diligence and commitment to bring forth a world that is best for all – no matter what – and each day as self wakes up – self asserts self to walk until it’s done and never give up.

Strength

Strength is when self do not give up upon self no matter what self goes through – no matter what experience comes up – no matter what happens in self’s world – no matter what self face – self walk through – as a machine pushing forth, walking step by step, breath by breath – within and as the realization – that inevitably self will in-fact get through it all.

The Source

The source is self here as breath – the source is self – the source is the words self write, that self talk in the mind, the self live as the physical body – the source is in-fact what self decide to be, stand as and live as – and from this source flows the creation as our day to day experience of ourselves and our life’s.

Revenge

Revenge is the limited application of energy, as spiting another, within and as the belief that someone has wronged self – and is as such a total rejection of self-responsibility, and a complete immobilization of self as self-movement, and self-direction – as moving and transcending the inner demons of self – and is in it’s very nature unacceptable

Roots

Roots is the pre-programming of self, as what self has accepted and allowed self to become through observing family, friends, classmates, and relatives – it’s the idea within self that self stem from a certain family, from a certain blood, and due to self having copied self’s behavior from these persons – self then believes that these persons represent his roots.

While in actuality there are no roots – the one real root that exist is our root to earth – as the physical – as we all stem from the physical – we all stem from the dust – and such our real roots are here at all times – reminding us of ourselves – as what we’re able to experience and interact with when we touch and sense what is here with our fingertips – this physical reality.