Tag Archives: stressed

Day 243: Changes

From living in the city, to living on a farm – that has been a primary point of transition that I have been walking through during the recent weeks. It has been interesting seeing how this change has influenced me, and how the experience that has been following this change is that of feeling uprooted, and feeling as if everything has been thrown into the air, a lot of parts, flying around, and not really seeing where or when they are going to land.

My own assessment of the point, and why this experience has come up within me, is due to how my routine is not anymore here. Before, I had a very strict and easy routine that I followed – and at that – I was studying and knew how many books I had to read till what date, and what places to go to, and what people to meet. My reality was settled, everything was in its place and I was to a certain degree comfortable. Now with the move, that comfort is gone, because now there is no more routine, my studies are finished, I am moving a couple of projects at the same time, and there is experience of rushing to get to something, though I don’t particularly know what that something I should get to is.

So, the purpose with this blog is basically to describe for myself what it is that I have been going through, and also to assist and support others that might be facing a similar event in their lives = CHANGE. What should be understood about change is that it isn’t a bad thing; neither is having your routines being uprooted, because these points do come with opportunities for self-expansion.

In my case, I can see that the challenge before me, and what I require to do in order to get back my grounding, is to structure and schedule my day more specifically, and decide for myself when I am going to do certain things, and when I am going to do other things. So far, I have taken it very much day by day, this approach is cool in some contexts, though when there is a lot of projects to get to, many responsibilities to oversee, many points to move – then it’s supportive with a structure – a game plan.

Though, a game plan isn’t enough, on top of having a game plan I see that it’s important for me to practice slowing down, and practice letting go of control, such as the desire to get to ‘everything’ and move ‘all points’ – and within this understand, that I can only do SO MUCH in a day, I can only get to THAT many points in a week – and taking on too much will lead to an experience of stress, and feeling of being stretched to thinly, because that is literally what is happening.

Thus – to support myself to stabilize I am going to apply self-forgiveness on the various reactions of stress, and anxiety that I have towards loosing my routine, and also support myself to establish a new routine, a schedule, and a game plan that I am following – so that I know were I am going, when I am going, and how I am going there.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, and anxiety when my routine disappears, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, and worried that I can’t anymore with the same ease as before, evaluate, and expect when, and how things are going to develop, and how my life is going to proceed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations upon myself as to how much I am to get to, and what I should be able to move during my day, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety, and fear when and as I perceive that I am not moving points as fast, and as effectively as I foresaw, and imagined myself doing, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear, when points doesn’t moving according expectations, instead of supporting myself, and assisting myself to stabilize, and see how I am able to restructure my reality, and my physical environment to become more effective, and aligned with what I wish to create, and how I can align myself more effectively to the physical reality, so that I am not in a state of conflict with what is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the point of investing a lot of time in my home, and my living quarters, in feeling that this is stealing time from me, it’s thieving on my valuable resource of time that I must protect dearly in order to be able to create for myself my goals, and imaginations, of what I am to do in life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety, and fear when I invest time in my living quarters, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not necessarily something bad, because at certain times you must tend to your living space, else it will deteriorate, and that would be a point of neglect, thus it’s common sense to dedicate some of your time to your home, and the place which you spend your time, so that all points are effectively cared for and works optimally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, and anxiety when things change in my environment, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being, and becoming weak, due to having these experiences, thinking that it’s signifying that I am becoming old, and unable to cope with reality as effectively as when I was younger, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself in facing these experiences, in realizing that I don’t have to be hard on myself, and believe that I am in anyway less than others, due to these points arising within me – and instead I am able to immediately, as the experiences come up within me, look for corrections, to stabilize and ground myself and bring myself back here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in feeling destabilized when and as I change my physical environment, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change WHO I AM, when my surroundings change, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the key to walking within and as stability in this world, is the point of being in this world, but not of this world – to stand within me in stability and thus instead of getting into a conflict with the change that occurs around me – move with the change – move with the new environment – move with what is here around me – and realize that it’s nothing bad, dangerous, or threatening – it’s simply a point of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, and anxiety when I look at what is here currently in my life, and then compare it to my goals, and what I wish to create in this life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that regardless of what physical environment I create in this life, one thing will always remain the same, ME and MY relationship with and as myself, that will and won’t ever change – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that these mental projections into the future of seeing a different me out there, they aren’t real, and thus the only place to begin something is HERE – the only place to live – is HERE – the only place to walk process and birth myself from the physical – is HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that life is HERE, that creation is HERE, that there is no such thing as a future within which I will feel differently due to the things that surround me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that creating life is a process that is walked in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace creating myself, and my life in every moment of breath, and seeing, realizing and understanding that process and the birthing of life will never happen out there in a projection – it’s something that is walked and created on a breath per breath basis – and thus I commit myself to practice and align myself with HERE, with directing, moving and sorting points out immediately HERE

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into a stress, and anxiety, due to me feeling that my world isn’t effectively structured, and that I have no real grounding, and that I don’t know where I am going, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that it’s not a solution to remain in these experiences, because fear, and anxiety doesn’t assist and support me to in anyway move forward, and thus I commit myself to in that moment take breath, stop myself, and then for a moment, look at my day within me, what I have to do, and then make some basic decisions as to how to structure my day, and also within this remember, that I might not get to everything – and that this is cool – it’s okay – and nothing to judge myself for

I commit myself to become the directive principle of my own day, through learning to effectively structure, prioritize, and build the contents of my day, and within this ground myself, and remain here, realizing that it’s only me that can give myself an oversight, and a structured routine, I have to build and establish this for myself, and it won’t come by itself

When and as I go into stress, and anxiety, because I feel that I haven’t gotten to something, that I expected of myself that I would, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this experience is an illusion, and that it’s not me that there is a problem, rather I have not assessed my time properly, or taken on too much in my life, and thus I require align my requirements of what I am to do with the actual time available to me, and practice being more disciplined in saying NO – to not take on things without really considering whether it’s practical and viable for me to walk them – and thus live the phrase – Quality before Quantity

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Day 166: Wasting or Saving Time?

I will write about time, and my future today – in particular the fear of wasting my time.

So, today the following occurred, my partner asked me to assist her in removing a tick from one of our cats, and I said yes – but within me I was reluctant, and I didn’t really want to do it – the reason being: I felt as if this project of removing the tick was a waste of my time, the time I could’ve instead used to make sure I survive – doing ‘important’ work things.

The same point of fear of wasting time comes up when I decide to go out for a walk to support my body, or practice pilates in order to support my back – I fear that I am wasting my time, because each and every second of my day isn’t spent at making sure that I survive and that I make a living for myself.

It’s interesting, because due to my fear of wasting time, that stems back to fear of survival, I will compromise points in my life that supports my body, and thus my survival, such as going out for a walk, cooking a wholesome meal for myself, or taking care of my body – and I will as well compromise the wellbeing of others, such as the wellbeing of my cat, because I feel that it’s a waste of time to spend some moments removing a tick.

What is wasting time? Isn’t wasting time not using time properly? I mean, using my time to do something that isn’t for money, that can’t be wasting my time – that’s rather using my time, but doing something else with my time than protecting my continued survival in the system. Thus, the definition of wasting time, I’ve currently connected to the point of wasting money, loosing money, and not getting ahead in the system, but that’s not a clear and common sense definition of wasting time. An effective definition of wasting time is rather, to spend time in my mind, thinking, fearing, worrying, or feeling – being separate from my body and my world, and reality that is here – that is the very essence of wasting time – that is to say: not being PRESENT and HERE with myself in time, and with time. Thus, the most important point is not WHAT I do with my time, but WHO I am within what I do with my time, because that is the point that has real weight, and answers the question as to whether I am wasting my time or not.

Though, its obvious that I do require to spend time on survival, and money, because without that, my life can’t function – though – I see that this point doesn’t have to be walked in a state of stress and fear, that unless I am spending time on survival, I am wasting my time – Instead I can look at what requires to be done, how much time it will take, and then do it – then when I am done, I am done, and I’ve thus used my time to direct my responsibilities, and I can move on and use my time for other purposes.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my time according to how much money I am able to make in that time, or how many skills I am able to develop within that time that will allow me to make money, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to value of myself and my life according to money, and believe that unless I spend my time on making money, or pushing myself to survive in this world, than this is time that I’ve wasted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think about how I am spending my time, and whether, or whether not I am spending my time wisely, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this constant questioning comes from within and as a anxiety, and fear of wasting my time, wasting my life, and not doing or creating something productive or visible with my life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don’t need and require this constant anxiety, that I can instead simply look at what requires to be done, and organize, and plan my life to suit what requires to be moved, and then move the points accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this anxiety exists within me, because I perceive that I am not doing enough, that I am not creating, or moving enough, and that I must do more in order for me to be effective, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself what it is that I am able to do, and whether I am doing what I can, or whether I can do more, instead of accepting and allowing this worry, and fear to remain on a abstract level, where I just feel like I am not doing enough, but wherein I haven’t actually schematized for myself exactly how I am using my time, and also asked myself, what I want to use my time for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to give myself time, to for example watch a movie, or go outside and take a walk, that is not a waste of time, because giving myself such a point, I am actually nurturing and supporting myself, and strengthening myself to be able to walk, and stand, and continue to apply myself in this process – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not decide for myself what I want to do, how much I want to contribute, where I want to contribute, and how I want to design, and create my life, and accordingly my a schedule for each day of the week, so that there is no anxiety, there is no fear, because I know what to do, I know what to spend my time on, and there is no questions about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear that I will not have enough time to spend on my business that I am walking, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of wasting time, and fear that I don’t have enough time to put into my business, and due to this, my business will not move forward, and I will not be able to create anything for myself, in my life, because there is no money coming in, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear in relation to this point, instead of accepting and allowing myself to plan how much time I am to give to my business, to plan how much time I am to give to my process, to be specific, and make some decisions within myself, so that there needs to be no worry, because I know what I am doing, and I know how I am doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this fear of wasting time, and this anxiety I experience, is actually very undefined, and I realize that it partly arises because I haven’t given myself a clear direction, and defined for myself what it is that I want to complete, and create, and move each and every day, and each and every week, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make clear directives for myself as to what it is that I want to create in this life, and then structure my time accordingly, and in my schedule, make room for me-time – where I for example go out and walk, and also make room for others in my life to come through, room for me helping and assisting them, room for being social, room for writing, and as such create my schedule and life in balance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards helping my partner to take care of the cats, because I experience such a help to be a waste of time, something that will eat up much of my day – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this signifies, and shows, that I am in that moment possessed with and as stress, and with and as fear, and I see, realize and understand that no harm will come to what I am doing, or participating within, if I take five or ten minutes, to assist and support my partner with the cats – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be flexible with my schedule, to when I’ve decided to do something, also be able to stop doing that thing, and do something else, when that is required, without it causing fear or anxiety within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define helping my partner with taking care of the cats as being less important, and less valuable than me doing my studies, or me spending time on my business, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these ideas, and perceptions of myself, and time, wherein I see time as this elusive and hard-to-catch manifestation, that I require to constantly have my eye on, and push myself to use as effectively as I am able to, because if I don’t, it will run away, and disappear in the cracks between my fingers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to fight to hold unto time, and exist within and as a fear of loosing time, wherein I believe that if I stop fighting, and if I stop struggling trying to keep in time, then I am going to loose myself, and loose my effectiveness, and loose my momentum, and my life will come to halt, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and realize that time is here in every moment, that time is not something that I am able to loose, or miss, or squander, because it’s here – I simply have to decide to live HERE with and as time, and direct myself in common sense, in time – and as such stopping to look, or trying to save time – but instead live within and as the time I am given HERE

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into stress, anxiety, worry or fear about the future, about my time, and that I am not using it effectively enough to stabilize myself in my life, and get my business, and other projects going, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that time is HERE, that time is not a elusive construct that I require to find, and save, and catch, and make sure it doesn’t run away – and as such I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and stabilize myself HERE – and walk HERE one and equal with time, and instead of fearing that I don’t use my time, direct myself as time – to make sure that I am living within directive decisions and that I am not living in fear of loosing time, or in worry that I am not doing enough

I commit myself to clearly define the goals of my life, to clearly define the priorities of my life, so that there exists no room for second-guessing, so that there exists no room for fear, or doubt, or anxiety, but that I know what I am doing, and why I am doing it, and how I am doing it