Tag Archives: stressful

Day 264: Fear of Missing the Train

When I have now become a regular commuter, I have come to notice a fear of missing the train. Now this fear is interesting to observe, because it is a cool example of the irrational nature of fears. Even though I am mostly 10 to 15 minutes early, I will still have a urgency, and fear that I must get on the train as fast as possible, because apparently it will potentially leave before I have boarded. I have had this fear as far back as I can remember, and it is not only with trains, I have fears of being late to meetings, and other type of appointments as well – and because of that I am usually earlier than everyone else.

Looking more deeply into this fear, I see that the fear of being too late hides a fear of the unpredictable, because what does it represent to miss an appointed time? Usually what follows is something unpredictable, or maybe a conflict, at least, it is not something that I am able to foresee. Looking even deeper, this fear of the unpredictable also reveals still another layer: Lack of self-trust. Because why would it be that I fear the unpredictable? Due to me believing that I am not able to handle that situation, believing that I need to be prepared and already have all the information in order to effectively direct my life.

This latest point that I mentioned is also fascinating to look into, because this is a problem that I have had with regards to bigger decisions in my life. I have been fearful, and indecisive when it comes to making decision, simply because I am not sure on how it is going to play out, what is going to happen – thus – facing the unknown/the unpredictable/that which I am not able to prepare for.

My fear of missing train as such really links back to a fear of the unpredictable/fear of the unknown. This goes to show how our day-to-day lives, and our small fears of everyday things can show us something a lot more meaningful about ourselves. The solution that I see to this point is to develop a self-trust in myself even in the face of the unknown – and to when this fear of the unknown/unpredictable comes up within me – to then say to myself that no – I will not accept and allow myself to fear the unknown – I will trust myself to walk into the unknown and direct myself within it effectively – or at least allow myself to make the mistakes, learn from them, and become effective in directing and moving myself in the unknown.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that which I am not able to predict, or control, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to direct myself in that which is unknown, and unchartered to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop self-trust in directing myself in that which us unknown, and unchartered territory for me – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear as a coping mechanism for me to not have to face the unknown and that which I am not able to control, direct, or foresee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only way I can become better at directing myself in the unpredictable and unknown – is through trusting myself to walk into it – and when I am in it – push myself to be stable here – and look for solutions – establish a direction for myself that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing my train, and become stressed, and anxious as I am going to my train, because I fear that I might miss it, and fear what might come out of that, and that I cannot control and exactly know the consequences of me missing my train, and how I am going to deal with this, if it happens in my life – hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into, and exist within and as a state of fear, and anxiety, and worry, where I believe that I will be better off, by hiding in these experiences, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way to really grow is to put myself into the deep end of the pool – and learn to swim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to be more comfortable with taking the train, and with not being so early to the train, realizing that I can give myself some moments, and that there is still urgency for me to go to the train, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively stop these thoughts of fear of missing my train

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when this fear of missing my train comes up, to see that what I really fear is loosing control, and not having full direction on my life and where it is that I am going – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up control, and fear ending up in a situation and position where I can’t predict what will happen next – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon predictability for me to be able to trust myself – and see what my next step will be – and where it is that I am going next

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not capable of handling the unknown, and the unpredictable, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself, and hold myself back in this distrust, and try to cope with this distrust through fear, and worry – where I believe that if I fear and worry – I will protect myself from consequential outflows and more effectively be able to make decisions in my life that are right and will lead me to the best outflow possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on fear and worry to apparently protect me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear and worry only makes me less capable of analyzing, and guiding myself through a moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not need to know exactly what is going to happen in the future for me to be able to see what the best direction for me is, and how to best deal with the situation that I am in – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice remaining stable and grounded here when I am faced with a moment where I don’t have control and overview – and where I am not sure what is going to happen and where my decisions will lead me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fear, and worry, because I am faced with a moment where I don’t have control, and the future is unpredictable, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that even though I might not specifically now where to go from here, and what is going to happen, this doesn’t have to destabilize and make me less effective, because I decide who I am – and I decide how to deal with moments that come my way – and hence I commit myself to stabilize myself using my breath – and practice remaining grounded and walking into my future even though I am not sure on what is going to happen

When and as I see myself distrusting myself, and using fear, and worry to apparently prepare myself, and make myself alert to deal with a unpredictable future, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I don’t need, nor do I require fear and worry to be effective in my life – and to stabilize myself to make effective decisions when I am not clear on the direction in my life – and hence I commit myself to stabilize myself – and move myself from moment to moment – to look for a solution and a direction in every moment – and trust myself that I will find a solution if I continue to push and do not accept and allow myself to give up

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Day 208: You Can Be Productive Without Stress

There are certain aspects of my world that will function as a trigger point to go into stress – one of these is my morning ritual – which will start at about 6 in the morning and then end at about 9 in the morning. Usually what will trigger the stress response in me is preparing my breakfast – this is a even that takes time and it takes time from what I perceive to be a more important activity – and where I should be at that time – which is at the library writing my thesis.

Though what is fascinating is that even though I get to the library a little later than usual, I will still have amply of time to write my thesis, and at the end of the day I will have been able to cover a lot of ground, and do pretty much what I set out to do – even though I was a little late. This proves one thing – that stress isn’t a real consideration – it’s not a real experience – it’s not an actual understanding that there is a lack of time – it’s instead a emotional response to a certain situation and nothing more.

Because usually I tend to believe that stress relates to what is going on in my physical realitymeaning that my stress has some form of justification – because I am running late and this will mean that certain consequences are going to flow – though stress doesn’t have those qualities of a real measurable insight into the functions of physical existence – it’s just an energy.

So, in looking deeper at what it is that triggers this stress, it’s the idea that in not getting to the library early enough, I am going to miss out and not be able to produce a sufficiently effective thesis as I’d hoped to do – so getting to the library becomes a matter of survival – becomes a matter of struggle where I fight against the time and try to avoid time from taking over my life.

In order to stop this stress I must stop the polarity of good and bad that rests in the depths of this experience – the idea that my life and future can either have the perfect outflow– where everything goes smoothly and in accordance to plan – or the most horrible outflow – where things turn to shit – I don’t get to spend a single hour at the library – and from there everything becomes crap. Instead it’s to understand that yes – I might be half an hour late – though there is no particular consequence to that – if I really require to I can just stay half an hour more at the library – or I can put in some more time during the weekend if I see that my thesis is moving to slowly – meaning: There are REAL solutions – there are REAL ways to deal with this point – and stress is not one of them and thus it shouldn’t be my automatic point of rendezvous whenever something doesn’t work out as I’ve hoped it would – instead the point that I go to should be a solution.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this perpetual experience of stress within me towards living in and moving myself in the world system – towards following schedules, times and tables, and towards making a living for myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate waking up in the morning – starting my day – making my breakfast – and looking at my day as to what I must move and get done – through the eyes of survival – through the eyes of stress and anxiety – instead of looking at my life, my responsibilities and commitments within and as practical common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my schoolwork – and my responsibilities in relation to money and survival with fear and stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize stress at a motor and motivation within me to drive me forwards – and to believe that the sole way of making headway in this world – of making it in this reality is through stress and fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate stress in the morning – and then to hold unto this stress throughout my day – believing that this is what must be done for me to get anything done whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a self-distrust – wherein I believe that unless I have energy as a motivator – that unless I have energy as something that drives me forward and creates me life for me – that I won’t do anything whatsoever – that I won’t move myself whatsoever and that I will get nothing done – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of stress – and resist fully and completely letting go of stress – and moving myself in equality with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice slowing down when moving myself in my physical world – and dealing with my responsibilities and commitments – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto stress and anxiety as a valid motor for me to get forward and to do what I need to do in my life – and believe that a life without stress is a life that won’t move forward – and to believe that a life without thinking about what must be done next – and pushing myself to as fast as possible be done with these small responsibilities in my world to get to the next – that this is what counts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in my world within and as the pace of breath – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself slow and with patience – moving through all the points in my world with awareness and presence – getting to know all the points in my world because I move with them slowly and specifically and I don’t haste through them to get somewhere else – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that one of the key aspects in learning – and in expanding – is actually slowing down – because in slowing down I will be able to see more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate being productive and effective to stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to be productive and effective – in order to get headway and move things along – I require to go into stress – I even must go into stress because apparently without that I can’t be productive and effective – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can push and will myself to be productive and effective here within and as breath – realizing that productive is me moving myself with my physical to produce – which is a physical act – and being effective is me doing that physical act with awareness, presence and specificity – and thus is also a physical act – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that stress doesn’t support me or enhance me as being productive and effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that believing that being effective and productive requires fear and stress is in-fact a misconception – and that the proof of such a point is nature – as well as the physical forces that operate – as these are always producing – always effective in their movement – yet they move solely with their physicals – and there is no mind – no stress – thus proving that what matters is physical movement – and not stress as an emotional experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what matters is matter – and me moving and directing myself as a physical being in matter – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to create myself in the physical and to create my world – I require to be herepresent and aware – and stress will not help me in that regard – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I will be able to create my life fully without stress – that it’s a question of what I physically do – not what type of experience that I have and hold unto

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into stress – and to associate the decision of studying or working with going into stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as I approach something that is related to money – to the system – to work – or a similar point – to go into stress – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system of money intrinsically must create this stress in me – and that it’s something unavoidable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is I creating the stress that I experience – and that I’m doing through association – and thus I commit myself to change my association – to change my self-definition in the things that I do – to change my relationship to the things I walk in my life – to change studies from being something that I do to get through the system and survive – something that I do as a point of self-expansion and self-movement – and change work into me moving myself physically go give another as I’d like to receive – to produce in this world on a physical basis here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately change my way of waking up and initiating my morning – and make it something grounding – supportive and stabilizing – to find ways that I am able to ground myself and stop stress as it arise within me – and thus not accept and allow stress to become the defining experience of myself as I walk throughout my day

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of stress as I wake up and start my morning, or begin my studies, or take on my work, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this stress comes up within me as a habit – as automated response to a particular dimension in my life that I am moving myself into – and that it’s completely unnecessary – and thus I commit myself to give myself a moment to breath – to slow down – to smell the air and feel my surroundings – to calm myself down and move myself back into my physical body and feel my breath

When and as I see that I am going into a state of stress, as I look in my mind and see the various responsibilities and commitments that I require to engage myself within throughout the day – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it doesn’t support me to go into this state of stress – that I don’t get more done – that I can be productive and effective without stress – and thus I commit myself to slow down – to give myself a moment to breathe and ground myself in my human physical body – and then I will myself to walk and do one thing at a time – to follow my to-do list and walk the various practical aspects of my day in the physical – seeing realizing and understanding that the physical is in-fact all I require to move myself through my day and get done what is required to be done

2012 The Working-Man-Anxiety-Character

Writing:

Since I’ve begun to work regularly and for long hours, I’ve begun to notice a pattern of anxiety emerge within me. This pattern is in-fact within me, and there all the time as I work, yet I do not really experience, and feel to what extent that this pattern in-fact possess me, until I go to bed at night. Because I’ve noticed that, I will wake up in the middle of the night, check what time it is – to be certain that I will not miss my work – or I will be in the middle of a half-awake – half-asleep – dream – wherein I’ve lost something at my work, and I must find it. I will then sit up in my bed, and look around in complete anxiety as I try to find this lost thing, and then after a while I will realize that – oh – I am only in my bed, and I am not really at my work.

This reveals that my main-personality while working is the anxiety-personality – and more specifically – the fear of doing wrong, and facing consequences character – wherein the ultimate consequence that I obviously fear – is that I will loose my job, and consequently loose my ability to earn an income for myself.

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