Tag Archives: strong

Day 370: Equal Regardless of Position

I have recently begun walking through a pattern of fear/inferiority/anxiety in relation to superiors at work. It is an interesting point to look deeper into, because it reveals many parts of how I have set up my mind to function in relation to money, status and position. I have come to realize that it is not really about my superiors at all, it is not about the work at all, the entire pattern is showing me something about myself, and how I have dis-empowered myself, and placed the power to live/express in relation to money, the system, career, into some very narrow and specific physical manifestations.

On a superficial level, the pattern tends to play out as follows: My superior will come around, I will experience anxiety and fear, and become held back and less expressive – and I will over-analyze most things my superior say and many times come to the conclusion that what he or she has said has been some form of insult or hidden critique towards me. That will add fuel to the fire so to speak and increase my experience of paranoia.

Where is this fear coming from? What I have been able to see is that I have placed a lot of value and power into my superiors – I believe that they have the power and initiative to give or withhold my access to money, my ability to create my life and my ability to survive – basically that I need them to stand beside me – and to be there for me for my life to work. I have as such projected my own power and authority to make decisions and move myself in my life unto my superiors – which is a serious limitation.

It is not only a limitation, it is also irrational. Because fact is that I do not need my superiors to like me, to stand beside me, to want me as part of their organization, for me to be effective in this world system – for me to be effective with money – for me to be effective within establishing a career for myself. Sure, if I have an effective relationship with my superior it might make things easier, however it will not determine anything, because the determining factor is ALWAYS myself.

I made it through my university education primarily because of myself, the decisions I made and followed through upon, my determination, my consistency, that was what allowed me to pass my exams and get my current job – and thus – I created my own opportunities. It was not my superiors, and the same goes with my current job – I am the one making sure that I continue to develop, expand and move within the settings of my current job – I am the one pushing myself to go further – nobody else. And thus, I see, realize and understand, that the point I must embrace is that I am responsible for my own life and there really is no other authority but myself. I am the author of my life and nobody else.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project power, authority, control and direction unto my superior – and thus believe that I need my superiors liking in order to make something out of myself, to remain stable in my life, to remain consistent in my life and be able to create an effective relationship with money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own power and authority unto the money system, unto my superior, unto my education, unto my teachers, unto my grades and marks, and believe that it is they/them that control my future and how my life will play out – and that I thus must make sure to please and satisfy all of these various characters – thinking that if I do not do that – it will have severe repercussions – and I will not be able to do anything what-so-ever with my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and recognize my own value, power and authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as value, power and authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for someone else to give me a sense of value, and to stand as my point of power and authority – instead me taking on and standing as these points myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life and everything in it will work out when I am accepted by my superior, when things are going smoothly at my job, when I am seemingly accepted by the current system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that when I approach life from within and as that assumptive starting point – I am creating consequences for myself – because I am not actively living, directing and moving my life in the direction within which I see that it would best if it moves into – and thus I see, realize and understand that the solution is that I take charge and responsibility for all parts of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear authority and feel inferior to authority and want to serve authorities so that I can save myself from a bad outcome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as an authority and to believe that I am not capable of doing that – and that I need someone else to stand that point for me – that I need someone stronger and more apt to be my authority – thinking, perceiving and believing that I am not able to do it for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not valuable enough to stand as an authority in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not strong enough to stand as an authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not capable enough to stand as an authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have the right to be an authority – that I need someones permission to take up and stand in the role of being an authority in my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as an authority in my own life – in fear that I am going to be attacked, harmed, and excommunicated – that I am going to be forced to leave this world and life behind – because other authorities sees me as infringing on their power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and secure when I am able to have someone else be an authority in my life – because then I can have them make decisions for me – them take responsibility for me – them be the person that I blame if things do not go as I would like them to go – and hence I see, realize and understand, that this is a limitation – and not in the image and likeness of my full potential

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fear and inferiority towards my superiors, I stop myself, take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear that comes up within me it is limiting me from interacting with my superior one and equal, in a comfortable and easy-going manner – and that in turn limits me from expanding my relationships – and here I see, realize and understand, that the real problem I have is not about my superiors, it is about me and my relationship with myself, where I have come to define myself and my value according to position, stature and money, instead of me trusting myself HERE within and as my human physical body to live grounded and simple – equal with all others physical expressions – thus I commit myself to remind myself that I am the directive principle of my life with regards to career, money and work – and that these are points that I take full responsibility for and do not push over unto my superior – and I commit myself to breathe and ground myself back into my body – into my point of equality – and then practice interacting with my superior as I would with anyone else – as an equal


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Day 322: Research, Planning and What Goes On Behind the Scenes

Since some weeks I have been laying concrete tiles where I live and through this I have reached a couple of insights when it comes to creation in the physical. Initially, when I first made the decision to lay concrete tiles, I did not know what it entailed. I did not have any previous knowledge and as such I was required to do the necessary research. I read up on the process and realized that the tiles in themselves is only the esthetic part of the structure – what makes the tiles effective is what is under them, which is various types of tightly packed and crushed rock and sand. In-fact, if the ground work is not done effectively, which is the process of packing the rock and the sand, the tiles will begin to shift, and change their positions only after a couple of years. Hence, the quality of the tiles, and how they will look, it is all dependent on structures that you cannot immediately see when you look at surface.

I am now soon finished with this project, and I am satisfied with the results, which I know is the outflow of having committed and pushed myself to walk all parts of the creation process with specificity. And what I learned from this process is how important thorough research and planning is when it comes to living and creating in this physical world; how are we able to expect that things will turn out fine if we do not put in the time to get to know the variables of physical creation? It is impossible, and still, this has been my customary way of approaching creation – just winging it. And is not this the way we tend to approach creation in other parts of life as well?

Let us look at relationships for example. How many sit down to plan their future relationships? What words they want to be expressed and lived in the relationship, what they want out of it, and how they want to experience themselves? Very few, and still we expect that the relationship will magically turn out great. And the same goes with where we decide to live, what careers we take on, the future we walk into, how many of us actually sit down to research and plan a direction for our lives?

To learn to research and plan in all parts of our lives is empowering – because in becoming efficient, thorough and specific with these skills, we are able to establish a direction for ourselves – where we KNOW what path we are heading down – we know what we are creating, what we want, what we need, what we will accept and allow and what we will not accept and allow. And one person that I have learned a lot from in this regard is my partner. When we built our house together she was adamant about doing extensive research and having a well thought plan with regards to each small aspect of our future home. It was fascinating to see, but at that stage, I was not ready for it, and did not appreciate the skills properly. I saw my partners passion for perfection as being overly ambitious. Though, as the house stood complete, I could see the fruit of my partners specificity, and also the consequences of my own lack of specificity, because certain parts of the house that I had been in charge of did not turn out the way I wanted.

When looking at the word PLAN – it is similar to the sound of PLAY  – and PLANT – the sound of the word thus implying that planning is about PLAYING out scenarios – using our minds constructively to simulate a situation before we walk it for real – and PLANT – showing that planning is about PLANTING the seeds that will become our future. And if we for a moment take a look, a seed is basically a blueprint, that given certain conditions, will begin to grow and realize itself into manifestation. Thus, if we want to be a part of deciding our future, we have to plan, because in that we PLANT our seeds, as the words we place, which eventually, as we live and walk these words, will become our reality – that is how creation works.

It is the same things with MANIFESTOS – because what is a manifesto but a plan? A sequence of words placed unto paper describing a desired condition – and through living manifestos, we are able to MANIFEST our words into reality. Though, to know what to manifest, we have to do the research.

Now, what I have found fascinating in uncovering how important research and planning are when it comes to any form of self-creation, is that this part of creation is not necessarily visible. For example, I today live in a home that I love, that is effective, and practical, however, for my home to become this way, there has been A LOT of time and effort invested into coming up with, and preparing this creation – what can be seen as the finished house is only a minuscule part of the entire creation process. And thus, what I would like to highlight with this is the importance of learning to see beyond the immediate picture that we are faced with. Everything is not what it looks like, and even in the simplest of creations, there are most often a significant amount of preparatory labor and effort invested. And this is something I will take with me when I in the future will look for and decide to take on new projects, to take into consideration that I will not only have to do visible physical creation, but also the time required to efficiently plan and prepare for the executive phase.


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Day 278: Giving

I woke up this morning and noticed that there was a form of stress or anxiety present in my chest. I took a moment and looked within me to see where this stress and anxiety came from. What I could see was that this stress and anxiety was connected to debt, to money, and to survival. It is easy to fall into the trap of survival fear – and then remain stuck in such an experience. When in survival mode everything is about the mere continuation of one’s life, which is the drive, which is the force and momentum that push points forward.

What is unfortunate is that when stuck in this state of survival, tunnel vision sets in, and one’s world gets smaller. It gets small in the sense that the only thing that matters is survival, not seeing anymore that there are more points to living in this world, and most of us understood this as children, when we could live in this world without being governed by fear of survival.

Hence, fear of survival is that limiting experience where all focus and attention goes to achieving the basic minimum, just getting by, just making sure that one get through this day. In that there is no will, or drive to move and expand, to give of oneself, to create something extraordinary and out of this world, something awesome that would be of benefit to many people. The will to live is sucked dry by the fear of survival.

However, it does not need to be this way. Money, or rather the lack of money does not have to define who we are as beings, and what we decide to live, and what we decide to stand for and as. Our expression and commitment to life can be created to go beyond money, and that is what I am going to write about in this blog, how I have waited with standing as life in certain parts of my life, due to connecting that will to stand to money, and having a lot of money.

One point that stands out here is the point of living HERE, living HERE and not accepting and allowing fear to creep up on me. Because, one justification that has been common is that ‘Oh well this fear is valid, because I do not have any money’ – hence procrastinating stopping and changing my self-experience until I feel that I have enough money to let go of my fears. Obviously, this is not effective, because fact of the matter is that I might never have enough money to feel comfortable in letting go of my fears, and fact of the matter is that I might never feel that source of income I have is sufficiently certain for me to feel comfortable in letting go of stress. This means that if I want to live without stress and fear, and stand up as my real potential, I must take a leap of faith, and simply stop these experiences – not accept and allow them to exist within me – regardless of where I stand in relation to money and income.

What does it then mean to live without fear of money/survival, and what I can replace this fear and survival with? What expression can I live instead that will support me to become a fulfilled and effective human being in this lifetime that is contributing to a life that is best for all?

What I see is that the word GIVING is a important part of me changing myself to live my utmost potentialGIVING is important in me walking from survival and into self-expression – and within GIVING – also words such as CARE, CONSIDERATION, EQUALITY, and SUPPORT – basically – placing value and significance on my fellow human beings and looking at how I can in my life GIVE to others of myself in such a way that it will support them and enhance their lives.

And I see that this word GIVING can be applied in many contexts. I can pursue GIVING in my work environment, GIVING through placing a focus on the organization that I work for as a whole – instead of only seeing it from my perspective, and from my desires and wants. And GIVING through actually caring for others, placing them within me, and when I speak, and interact with them, recognize the other person as an equal to me – see them – hear them – and be here with them. And GIVING through when I have time and opportunity to do so, assist and support others in their work.

And then GIVING can be applied at home through assisting and support with the household work, taking on responsibilities, and taking part in caring for the environment.

And basically, what I see, is that GIVING implies giving up my self-interest, to instead consider the whole, and see what I can contribute to the whole, instead of what I can get and take from the whole. Seeing how I can support myself and my world to expand, instead of looking for opportunities for me to get my next fix of energy – it is thus a shift in perspectives – a shift in how I look at things.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the antidote to self-interest is giving, being generous and including others into my life and supporting not only myself but everyone to create a enjoyable life for themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason as to why this world face so much consequence is partly because we are just all the time taking, we all the time want things, seldom are we giving back – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make it part of my life to give back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I only think about myself, that is when fear starts taking a hold – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop thinking – and apply the solution of GIVING and being generous with myself, my time and my money – and hence not anymore accepting and allowing myself to be a miser that walks in this world only to have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that giving is what has been missed in this world – we humans have not considered the point of giving and within that receiving – but instead looked at this world as a place were we must do what it takes to survive – not seeing, realizing and understanding that by having that initial perception of this world – we have created it

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to develop the expression of GIVING in all parts of my life

I commit myself to investigate what it means to GIVE and how I can live the word GIVING in my life in such a that I support what is best for all

I commit myself to place myself in the shoes of another and ask myself how I can GIVE to their life in such a way that I will assist and support them to expand

I commit myself to embrace GIVING – to embrace that we are here in this world together – and that no one is free until all are free – and that hence – there is no point to only caring about myself – my life – and my future

I commit myself to push GIVING – to push through the moments when I feel that I have given to much – or I give without ever receiving – to stop feelings of fair and unfair – and instead take responsibility in this world through giving and making sure that I contribute to building and shaping what is best for all

Day 192: Facing Uncertainty With Boldness

Boldness is a trait and characteristic that oftentimes is connected to war, the strive for success, the ability to take risks, and move in the face of fear – though to be bold is not only that – being bold is something that we’re able to use and live in our daily lives – as we face those daily points that come up within us – emotions, feelings, thoughts – being bold would imply moving into a new direction – it would imply going for that change – and standing – walking into the unknown without hesitation.

Now, I’ve been working with this point of boldness for a while, and I’ve realized that living boldness is one of the solutions to the experience of fear and anxiety towards the future. Because one of the issues with my way of approach fear and anxiety have been that I’ve not yet replaced it with a creation – with a correction and a new way of living that I see would be more supportive and effective for me – and compliment me and the life that I am living – here boldness comes in as a word that I able to live.

The point of boldness further opened up when I was listening to a interview with the attaché to a second world war general: The attaché explained that his job was to make sure that the general – which was a contentious and hesitant one – did his job and gave the orders that were required for the army to move forward. He explained that what a general was supposed to do was to make the decisions and then stand by them – and this resonated with me – because this is the exact point that I’ve been facing. My very problem and issue have been to make my decisions and then boldly walk into them and face the consequences of them – instead I’ve made decisions – become worried and nervous about the decision – then re-made the decision – and repeated the process again.

Thus – one aspect of living the word bold as I see it – is to stand by my decisions – to dare to face the consequences and playouts of my application and movement in this world and not be deterred or impeded by failure, mistakes, contingencies, and unforeseen events.

The same goes for walking process – and walking my self-change – it’s a process that I can’t foresee the result of – I am not able to know exactly what is going to happen – exactly what I should do and how I should go about it – yet – in walking this point of being bold – and walking with my decision and pushing through regardless of what I am facing within – no problem can hold me back – because I know that regardless – I will push through – and I will establish solutions for myself – and I will direct and move myself through challenges and difficulties.

This particular point of being strong and having the ability to push through and walk regardless of the difficulties was also brought up in this interview – where in essence – what is shared is that in order to walk process successfully and establish change for real – you require to give it your all – and not stop in the face adversities and predicaments – but rather hold unto and push through within that knowing – that I will not give up – I will not give in – I will do what I came here to do and that is to create myself.

Thus – living boldness is something that I will practice in my day-to-day living – and in particular I will apply this boldness when fear and doubt comes up – to then exclaim within myself that: I am bold – I move myself into the unknown and without certainty – because I trust myself that whatever issue or difficulty I will face – I am going to direct it into a solution.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the word of being bold – and live as boldness – wherein I will walk into uncertainty, and the unknown with self-trust – wherein I will move into the future – and move with my decisions – and face the consequences – knowing that whatever I am going to face – I will stand within myself and direct the point into and as a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when fear, anxiety or doubt comes up within me in relation to the future – or decisions I’ve made – to stop – take a breath and bring myself back here – and state within myself that I am bold – and that I boldly take the step into the next moment and face whatever might come my way – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate – to fear – and to go into self-disbelief – instead of sticking with my decision – sticking with my initial intent and what I set out to do – and not accepting and allowing myself to be deterred – impeded or hindered – but that I instead push through and do what is required to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my future in hesitation, in worry, fear and anxiety, self-disbelief, and inferiority – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to change this – I must change my approach towards the future – my outlook – my way of seeing myself in relationship to my future – and within this I see, realize and understand that living boldness is a solution and something that’ll assist and support me to move forward – and to create myself in my life in such a way that I see is supportive and assisting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately when fear arise within me – stop – take a breath and bring myself back here to what I am doing – and what I am walking – and what I am creating – to bring myself back to that certainty that regardless of what – I will find a solution – I will move myself forward – I will not give up or give in – but I will rather create myself through living boldness – through approaching my life – and my future – not within fear – but rather within being creative and playful – going into and towards the unknown and the uncertain – and not accepting and allowing worry and fear to dictate my expression – but rather that I dictate and move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear indicates that I don’t trust myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not through repetitive action – consistently prove to myself – that I can trust myself – that when I face difficulties – when I face points that I don’t immediately know how to direct and move – that I will find a solution – that I will find a way through – and that I will not give up upon myself – not give up upon what I’ve set out to do – but rather push through

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that fear, angst, worry towards the future – or decisions that I’ve made comes up within me – I stop – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand this fear comes up because I don’t yet trust myself – I don’t yet stand as my own backbone in being stable and firm – steadfast and motivated to push myself through any and all obstacles – find the solutions – establish and create my life regardless – and thus I commit myself to live boldness – to boldly push forward even though I can’t predict the future – and even though it’s uncertain – to realize that life is in it’s very nature and essence uncertain – and living in fear of that is meaningless – and through living boldness I take charge of myself and push forward to make the most of my life and in this realize – that when challenges and difficulties emerge – I will direct them – I will find and establish a solution

Day 189: Unconditional Socialization

Today I was having a discussion with one of my colleagues – and I noticed that I went into anxiety – in this blog I will open up this point.

So, for context – I was having a discussion – it was a calm and quite intimate discussion – I could see that both my colleague and me were enjoying the moment. Then – as we continued a slight anxiety began rising from within – and this anxiety then continued to rise and become bigger – and in the moment I found it difficult to stop and direct the anxiety.

I am able to see that what triggered this particular pattern was the way I’ve interpreted my colleague – I see him as a intelligible and as a person with highly effective cognitive abilities – thus as I was discussing with him – this fear that started to creep up from within was whether he enjoyed our discussion, whether it was stimulating him, or whether he felt that I was being boring, and not sufficiently intelligent and witty to be of service to him.

Thus – what is fascinating to see here is the starting point of my interaction – which is to serve and to be liked – with the hope that if another likes me I will feel accepted and gain a sense of self-worth. The consequential outflow is that I will not allow myself to express and share the real me – because inside there will be this ubiquitous and underlying fear – permeating my body and acting as this disturbing force that thwarts me from being able to express and share myself in the moment.

What I must establish is thus – that when I choose to speak and interact with another – that I do it as myself – realizing that when I go into this conversation or interaction I will not gain self-worth – I am that already – and I enter into this conversation as self-worth and share that of myself with another – thus I give as I’d like to receive; where it’s not anymore about me getting from what another what I’ve not yet given to myself – but that I instead give to myself and contemporaneously give to another – as I express, live, and share the real WHO I AM.

Within this I must understand that it’s not about me entertaining another – satisfying another – pleasing another – being a good company – or sufficiently witty and intelligent to keep friends – rather I accept myself unconditionally – and I enter into a moment of socialization unconditionally – with all of myself fully present and aware – where there are no more pieces of myself that I require another to give to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach socialization, and interaction from within and as a starting point of wanting to be likable – and wanting to make friends and positive acquaintances – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand how I am compromising myself – as well as the relationship with another – because I am not allowing myself be natural – and share who I am – and instead I am sharing a censured version of myself that I hope will receive positive attention – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rather make the decision within myself to approach others and relationships from a starting point of self-confidence and self-worth – where I share myself unconditionally and realize that I am already fulfilled and that I don’t need and require another to fulfill me for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this sneaky and underlying thoughts of: “What will he/she think of me – when I share myself with them?” – “Do he/she enjoy me?” – “Am I being sufficiently entertaining and witty to continue to keep this other person in my company?” – and realize that when I accept and allow these thoughts to define me – and I participate within them – I am compromising myself – and my relationship with another – and I creating the moment to be less than it’s full potential – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately correct myself – through taking a breath – and grounding myself into and as my human physical body – and then share and express myself from within and as the silence of my human physical body – as me being completely grounded and stable in and as the presence of me as a physical body expressing myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach interaction – and socialization from within and as a starting point of wanting to make sure that I get positive attention from another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a limiting starting point – and that I am able change this – to instead of me approaching from a starting point of what I can receive and get from another – to instead approach from a starting point of looking at what I am able to give – and share and express as myself that will be supportive and that will fulfill the potential that exist in the moment to create life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy to interact and move myself from within and as that starting point – and intently believe that I am inferior and subservient – not realizing that it’s a decision that I make – and that I able to re-align this decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow anxiety to be the starting point of my participation and interaction – I am limiting myself and the moment – and thus I commit myself to practically apply stopping these experiences and the underlying thoughts immediately as the arise – and immediately re-align myself into the correction of participating and interacting in the moment from a starting point of me being an equal and one participant – that I neither stand to loose or gain anything – but that I am here – sharing my natural and unconditional expression in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and afraid of someone that is intellectual and have effective cognitive abilities – and believe that because someone is effective in their thinking and usage of the mind – that I am because of that inferior and limited from being stable – and expressing myself in the moment – clearly and with stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of sharing and expressing myself from within and as a starting point of equality – and seeing that regardless of intellect – where from the same dust – believe that I must enter into this and move myself from within inferiority – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision within me in each moment of participation – that I am an equal – that I will not accept and allow myself go into and become subject to anxiety and inferiority – but that I will instead express – share and move myself naturally – within and as my natural self-expression – and not accept and allow myself to be moved by whether or whether I perceive that another likes me, or feels interest in me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be worried and fearful that someone that I perceive to have an effective and highly functional intellect is going to see through me – and is going to make the assessment that I am not sufficiently smart, witty or intelligible to be his or hers friend – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require to friendship – and the recognition from another – that I am liked – that I am a positive and recognized part of their world – for me to love and accept myself – for me to share and express myself in the moment – unconditionally – naturally and within and as self-comfort and self-enjoyment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I enter into inferiority, subservience, and fear – as I am approaching, or talking with, or interacting with a person in my world that I perceive to be intelligent, and to have a highly effective cognitive ability – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to correct myself and express myself from within and as equality and oneness – realizing that I am an equal to another – thus there is no need for me to impress – to be accepted – to be welcomed and embraced – and I commit myself to instead give that to myself – to breath myself back into and as my human physical body – to stabilize myself – and ground myself here – and express myself from within and as that groundedness and stability that the human physical body supplies

I commit myself to approach others and interact from within and as a starting point of being unconditional – and not accept and allow myself to be worried about whether or whether not I am liked – appreciated – or embraced – to instead place focus and attention ME and what I accept and allow within me – and make sure that I stop any fear and anxiety that emerge within me – that I immediately correct myself and move myself to interact and participate from within and as a starting point of being grounded – stable – and clear within me

Day 169: I Look Like an Actor!

Today I faced a reaction that played out in a humorous way. So, the context was the following: I was hanging out with some people, and we were discussing, interacting and participating – suddenly one of the individuals points out that I look a lot like an actor – and in that moment I immediately reacted in feeling boisterous, and swell – “HAHA I look like an actor!” – was my initial thought; that must mean I look really good!

Then the humorous twist entered into the picture, because the individual then proceeded to show me a picture of the actor I looked like, and to my disappointment the actor was an man in his fifties that wasn’t at all particularly attractive or good looking – and when I saw that I had this strong reaction of embarrassment as well as disappointment. What came up within me was also a form of tension in my chest area – and that was fear – the fear of being laughed and ridiculed in-front of others as not being attractive – but instead looking old and ugly.

Thus, in this blog I will work with this particular reaction that came up as anxiety, fear and embarrassment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to how I look, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire others see me as beautiful, as a movie-star, as something that stands out as having a unique appeal, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become happy, and feel excited when and as I believe that someone is commenting on my appearance positively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, anxiety and embarrassment when and as someone points out that I don’t have that picture perfect appearance and that I instead look old, and ugly, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have others see me and value me according to my appearance, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my appearance is my everything, and that what people think of me is the most important thing in my life and that I as such require to look like a movie star and have people in my world think positively of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that others are to comment upon me positively – and to speak of my looks positively – and to when and as they look at me – they are going to be impressed with me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed within and as my desire to impress upon others with how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of my past wherein my mother commented upon how I looked, and she said to me that I was beautiful and more so than others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to this memory, and think of myself that because my mother defined me, and told me that I was beautiful, and I had a positive experience in relation to this, that because of this it meant that I require to search and walk in my life in search for attempting and trying to re-create that experience and again have someone speak to me and tell me that I am beautiful and attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to have others care for me, and like me through me being attractive, and likable, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a positive experience, to search for a positive energy confirmation wherein my appearance is confirmed by another as being attractive and sexual, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself self-care, and self-love, and give to myself this point of being calm and at ease with myself regardless of how I look, or how others perceive me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require another to make me whole and to give me a warm feeling of care, and comfort, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of my mother commenting on my exterior, and saying to me that I am attractive, and beautiful, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed and controlled within and as this desire to be accepted and hold by another and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself – and comfort myself – and accept and allow myself to stop searching for someone to comment upon me and create a feeling within me of me being whole – and that I instead in every moment breath myself back into my body and realize that I am here – that I am whole – that I am already what I require and what I need and that I don’t have to have someone comment positively on my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried, concerned and nervous as to how others judge my exterior, as to how they judge how I smell, as to how they judge how I move myself, participate and speak – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, and be on a constant search, and mission to attempt and try to be accepted by others, so that I can feel comforted, and cared for – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not comfort, and care for myself – and give myself that unconditional acceptance – that unconditional love of not anymore trying to fit in and be accepted and gain attention for something in my life – or how I look – or what I do – but that I am instead worthing myself unconditionally and that I stop trying to fight in order to become someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to how others look, and go into and as a competition with others, specifically males, wherein I want to show and prove to others that I have the most attractive exterior and appearance, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value will come from me being seen as attractive, and as having a beautiful appearance, and having someone comment upon that – and that this is the only way that I’ll be able to stand up in this world and make something out of myself – through proving and showing to others that I am the most beautiful – and that I am the most attractive – and that I am the most desirable – in believing that my value is relative to the value I believe others have assigned to themselves

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am defining myself according to how I look, I stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am not limited nor defined by how I look – I decide my value, my worth and my purpose, not how I look – and thus I commit myself to breath myself back in my physical body – and be here physically with my touch, with my breath, with my senses, and feel my physical body and realize that this is what is real – not the image and the experience of my image that I have coming up in my mind

I commit myself to stop searching for someone to notice me and I commit myself to apply this point of me noticing myself as who I am – as a being – as someone that goes beyond looks and exterior appearance – and see that there is more to me than this – and thus I commit myself to value myself as how I express myself and how I walk and participate physically here – and not define myself through an image

Day 76: Determine Me Please

Today while being at school I held a short presentation before my class. Here I faced some interesting reactions of fear, anxiety, worry, and inferiority. The main point as to why I reacted was not the fact that I was holding a presentation before my class. The primary point that triggered the reaction was how I thought that others perceived, and looked at me while I was giving the presentation.

So, the presentation was in relation to a question that the teacher asked, and this particular question was quite difficult, and within this I thought that I was one of the only students that had managed to sort of “break” the code, and within that achieved a correct answer. When I was thus holding my short presentation I was somewhat excited, and anxious to tell my class about this point. Though, as I began to speak about the point I started to think, and perceive that my classmates thought of me as being a know it all, and it was this particular thought that triggered my reaction of then becoming increasingly uncomfortable, and tense as I was sharing my findings in regards to the point.

confused-indecisive1What I am able to see here, is that this shows me two things: 1) I wasn’t unconditional in me sharing the information that I’d found and I was expecting some type of positive feedback 2) already before I’d began to share myself I’d created an idea of myself based in a sense of superiority, and as such I was charged up while sharing myself instead of speaking, and sharing myself unconditionally here.

The main problem thus, that can be found in both of these points, is my tendency to define myself, and worth myself according to relationships. For example: I am good at studying thus apparently “I am good” – or: I am good at explaining things in a clear and precise manner thus “I am clear and precise” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that there is a difference between who I am in this world, as the form I exist within (a human physical body), as the particular skills I have, and who I am as life – as formless, and without definition – here as principle.

It’s interesting how generally throughout my process, I’ve noticed this dependency on something, or someone, be it knowledge, be it family, be it friends – and within this there has been the fear of standing alone, and being alone – and having no-one but me to walk and stand by me.

So, in this blog-post I will dedicate my self-forgiveness, and my corrective self-commitment statements to this point of seeking for another to determine who I am – and seeking for something else outside of me to give me stability, and purpose, instead of me standing stable here within and as breath not needing and requiring something more but me here.

Self-forgiveness

  1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something, or someone else to determine who I am, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that I need and require someone, or something else to determine who I am for me to be stable here – for me to be certain here – for me to know who I am here; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take breath and bring myself back here – and realize that I only need myself here as breath and that this need I experience for someone to determine me – is really not a need but in-fact a fear
  2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become uncertain, and fearful, when and as I perceive that others are determining me within and as a negative context – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this implies that I am loosing my stability, that I am loosing my certainty, that I am loosing myself, because apparently I am dependent upon someone, or something else to constantly confirm my existence, and confirm that I am here – instead of realizing that I don’t need that – because I am able to easily confirm for myself in each and every moment of breath that – I am here – I am breathing – I am within and as this human physical body; what more but that do I require?
  3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a purpose, or a point of external motivation that I can cling unto, and define myself as, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will feel empty, that I will feel purposeless, and meaningless, unless I have something, or someone that I am able to look at and think that – I have a relationship with this point, and thus I apparently “know who I am”
  4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am not defined by my career, that I am not defined by my human physical body, that I am not defined by my external reality – that I am not defined by and as form, by and as sound, by and as colors – as I am here – and when I look at: I look at myself here – I can’t see anything but darkness – a darkness that isn’t defined – that doesn’t have a form – that doesn’t have a particular predestined purpose – but that is instead simply a HERE
  5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around in this world from within and as a starting point of trying to find stability in some point that lies external from me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I do not need, or require such a external point in order to be stable – because obviously: stability is a word and thus not conditioned to someone or something else having a relationship with me – but it’s instead a word with the possibility within it of me living the word – developing myself as the word – and standing unconditionally as this word without any form of external relationship supporting me to stand as this word
  6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hinder, and suppress my performance in speaking, and sharing myself in-front of a group of people, in fear that they see, and determine me as a “know it all” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive towards, want, and desire to make sure that my relationships with people in my world are within and as the definition of positivity – wherein I believe, and perceive, that all beings in my world like me, and have a positive experience when they see me, and define me as someone that they find interesting, fascinating, and want to be friends with
  7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit, suppress, and withhold myself, through wanting and desiring to achieve positive relationships in my world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand to what extent I am limiting myself, when I allow my expression to be determined within a fear of what others think of me, or how others experience
  8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice unconditional self-expression here, and within and as this unconditional self-expression, pushing myself to stand stable here, and to not be influenced by my beliefs, and perceptions about what others think of me, but simply breath through these experiences, and thoughts, and re-affirm my stand here in every moment – so that I within this push myself to stand clear, and stable – like a pillar facing a storm – realizing that the pillar will stand through the storm when no attention is given to the storm
  9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I speak, and present, and share a point in-front of people, to look for confirmation, and to look for some type of approval – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approve of myself, meaning that I stand accountable before myself, and that I look at myself objectively, and look at what I say, share, and speak, to see whether it’s in-fact effective – whether it is in-fact common sense – so that I as such do not depend upon others to say to me that what I am doing is cool – but that I am able to stand this point myself and walk the point of sharing and presenting a point to others in stability and within and as unconditional self-expression here
  10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that it’s a human trait to look for confirmation, and approval within others, and that this is not something I am able to do anything about; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that human nature doesn’t really in-fact exist – because it’s not set in stone – it doesn’t need to be this way – I mean that is obvious – human nature is subject to programming and can thus be re-programmed, and reset to support what is best for all – to be a living example of giving as we’d like to receive; as such I commit myself to reset and re-program my human nature to be a example of what is best for all – and to realize that nothing is set in stone
  11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work on the point of wanting to achieve confirmation, and acceptance from others, utilizing the justification, and excuse that it’s apparently something I am not able to do anything about, and that it’s a point set-in-stone; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the obvious common sense is that nothing is set in stone in-fact – proven by the fact that we as humans have created this world by our own volition – and that we as such can change this world by our volition – it’s not like something has been god-sent – we’ve in-fact participated in creating this existence and this world as it currently is

Self-commitments

  1. When and as I see that I am going into and as a state, and a mode of being, as looking for confirmation, and acceptance from others, and I notice that I experience fear, and feel disturbed because I perceive that others do not like what I say – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this pattern is me looking for stability and certainty in separation from myself – and that this pattern is not honoring life – is not honoring me as living to my fullest potential in every moment of breath; thus I commit myself to bring myself back here – and to walk my presentation – and share myself here – in self-honesty as stability and silence as being completely here within and as my human physical body – thus within this not needing confirmation from another because I know – I am here
  2. When and as I see that I go into and as a mode of being, as trying to find something out there that I am able to define myself towards, and create a relationship with, to feel that I have purpose, and some meaning – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that meaning, and purpose is something that I’ve been programmed to search for – instead of living here – working with what is here – and remaining practical – physical at all times – walking the points that are in-front of my face; as such I commit myself to stop looking for something or something to define me – and I instead commit myself to live – breath – and walk practically and physically here

 

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