Tag Archives: support

Day 400: Helping Out

This week I have been focusing on pushing through points of laziness/apathy in a particular set of situations – more specifically when I am asked to do something in a moment when I am not prepared to do it, or when I am busy and feel like I am interrupted. In such moments I have a tendency to react in resistance and exclaim that I do not have time, that I am busy with something else, or that I am too tired.

Pushing through these moments of resistance is a matter of real-time action – the moment when I get the question – that is when I have to be ready to move. It is not something that can be thought-up – I have to push and live the change physically in that moment. And for me – a big point of motivation has been that I do want to be of help and assistance to my family – and I want to be a part of creating a supportive environment that is best for all. And obviously – I would have wanted that another helped me if I asked – and thus I see it as common sense that I do what would I have wanted for others as well.

The challenge has been to physically push through – because that requires firm decisive action – and it requires giving up my self-interest – which is the hard part. Because it might sound rewarding, joyous and fulfilling to care for, tend to, and treat others the way you would like to be treated – however – it oftentimes means that you put your own needs last. It definitely requires discipline – and my modus operandi thus far is to simply do what I want to do – which in many cases is to not help out. The moments when I am successful and I manage to push – usually it is because I do not give myself the time to ‘feel’ whether I want to help out or not – I simply do it – I act in the moment without making it more or less.

I suspect that part of the reason as to why I sometimes react to being asked if I can help out or be of assistance is because these aspects of life were pretty traumatic in my childhood. Firstly – household tasks and responsibilities was by my parents on a overall basis approached with anger, irritation, frustration, stress and anxiety. It was never seen as enjoyable to clean or do some other chore – and the results were inspected with a detailed focus on potential mistakes. Thus when I was approached by my parents to assist and support with something in the household, it was usually done from a starting point of anger and blame – where I was accused of not helping sufficiently in the household and that I had to do more. Unfortunately this have caused me to develop resistance towards helping out especially in the household and helping out in general – and I am pretty sure I am not alone with having such experiences.

Part of the solution that I see is thus to change my relationship with cleaning, household chores, helping out and being of assistance – and instead of associating it with negative experiences – see, realize and understand that these points are actually of great support – and that I can approach them with gratefulness. For example – cleaning – instead of becoming stressed by it and feeling as if it is a waste of time – I can utilize it as a moment of interacting/checking up on all the various parts of my house. I approach cleaning my car similarly. It is an opportunity for me to show appreciation for the support my car provides – and also to tend to it properly and make sure it is supported in the best way.

Thus – moving back to the original problem – which is to push through points of laziness/apathy in a particular set of situation. I see, realize and understand that a solution is to place my focus and attention on the positive and beneficial outflows that I will create by pushing through – and understanding that by moving through my resistance – I will assist and support with bringing through a environment that is best for all – and hence – best for me as well. As such – I will not place attention on the emotions – rather I release them with a quick self-forgiveness statement – and then place my focus on CREATING an environment and life that is BEST – which among other things is done by assisting and supporting in taking care of household tasks – and in general – helping out when such is required. And here also understanding that when I do push myself to help out and assist and support – this will in turn impact me positively – because if my environment is healthy – then I am healthy.


 

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Day 376: Routine and Structure

Routine and structure – it makes things easier – especially in a family where there are many life’s that must coordinated. It is something that I have resisted and also something that I have not been particularly good at. My main problem with structure is that it takes time and effort to create. Planning is a mental/intellectual task and it takes time – just like any other task. However – planning and structuring does not create any immediate results. Hence it feels as if there is no progress – I have just wasted an hour upon nothing. The value of planning/structuring instead becomes visible later on.

One thing that I have noticed when I have planned my week is that I become calmer and more grounded. There is also a defined sense of solidity and stability within me – as if I am standing on firm ground inside of myself. I know where I am going, I know what I am doing, and I know why. And I also know what to expect from myself and my family – because together we have decided upon how to structure our week.

This present week I have planned in terms of what we are going to have for dinner, when I am going to exercise, and what projects/points needs to be directed throughout the week. For those out there that like to be spontaneous and impulsive, it might sound boring. It would have sounded that way to me a couple of years ago. Being locked in a routine and a continuous schedule. However – now I find pleasure and support in having a structure and following it. And there is still room for changes to the structure – no freedom is ever lost. Rather – having a clear direction allows for informed decisions and directive spontaneity. Without a structure – it is easy things becomes haphazard and obfuscated. And it might be fun for a while – though it is not possible to run a smooth and functional life together with several different people that way.

I mentioned my misalignment with planning/structuring above, that I feel it takes too much time and effort and there is no result to show for it. When this experience/backchat comes up within me, to correct it, I look at the future support that my moment of planning will bring. I see, realize and understand that for every minute I put down into preparation, I receive stability and direction i many moments to come – I will make my life a lot more comfortable and easy. It will not happen in this instance – however it will come through as I continue to walk. That is how I realign my relationship to planning/structuring – so I can begin using this tool more in my life and not resist/suppress planning/structuring because of feeling like it is a waste of time.


Day 456: The Righteous-Character

Yesterday after work I decided to order some take-out food for supper. I called the restaurant and told them that I did not want to have any onion on one of the dishes. About ten minutes later I drove to the restaurant to pick up my food, at which point I noticed that the chef had misunderstood me. He had not used onion in any of the dishes I had ordered.

It upset me when I became aware of this. I asked the chef whether he could re-do the dish and put onion in it. The chef did not want to do that because it would get messy. This frustrated me even further. At this point I saw before me two options. On the one hand, I could insist on having onion, or I could simply take the dishes as they were and walk out of there. I felt as if there were two of me, there was one rational version; I could see that the flavor and experience of the dish was not dependent on onion and that I would save a lot of time if I accepted the mistake and walked out of there. The other me, was the irrational and angry me; this me wanted redress – ‘I want to receive what I have ordered, I paid for this! Then I should get what I paid for!’

I stood there and felt the irritation and frustration within me – then I made the decision to drop the point. To take the dish as it were and get out of there – get home and eat my dish and enjoy it. This was the rational and common sense thing to do – and I am satisfied with the decision that I made. Though, I can still see that I became influenced by the emotions, to get into me and had an effect on me – and hence I want to look at the emotions and the character.

If I am to give this character a name, I would say it is the righteous-character. It is the experience of me being completely right because someone else has not done their job properly – and hence – I have a right to become angry – pissed of and irritated. I have a right to curse at them and to start a conflict. When I look at it, I can see that this logic is very much a like how parents treat their children, and it might be from this relationship that I have acquired this pattern. Because parents tend to become angry at their kids when they do something ‘wrong’ – and in such instances – most parents do not consider it wrong or consequential to be angry – rather it is ‘needed’ to set the child straight.

This righteous-character activates especially when it comes to money, and people not doing their job the way I expect them to. Because when I have paid for a service, I make the false conclusion that I now ‘own’ the person supplying the service – and hence I can act and behave in any manner and way I like if my expectations are not fulfilled – because I have ‘bought’ that right. However, in looking beyond money, which is an abstraction, it becomes evident that my actions, and the righteous-character, have just the same consequences and negative outflows as accepting and allowing myself to become angry and frustrated at someone in my personal life. The righteous-character is really not a character/way of living that brings through what is best for all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that I have the right to be mean, angry and frustrated when I buy a service and I do not get what I expect that I should get – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/think that only because I paid for something – this means that all bets are off and I have full freedom to do what I want to do and say what I want to say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that access to money makes me more important and better than others – and that purchasing a service means that I own the person that gives this service

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value money over myself as a person – and to believe that money gives me value – and thus when money is at stake, when there is a question about money, then I have the right, freedom to do what it takes to control/direct my money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself that what is of importance and relevance is who I am as a person – the value that I am able to give/live and be to others – and thus not the amount of money I own and have access to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is money that gives me importance and value in this life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that money is only a medium, a means used to transact goods and services, and that it does not determine me as a person, and that buying a service, does not mean that I have the right to do whatever it is that I want to do

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself becoming angry and frustrated, reacting, because I have not received what I feel that I paid for, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that only because money is part of the game, it does not give me a carte blanche to do whatever I want to do – and to express myself in anyway I see fit – and I realize that accepting and allowing myself behave in a way that is harmful towards others – is equally as consequential when there is a issue about money, as when it does not have to do about money – and thus I commit myself to breathe and stabilize myself here – and then work to resolve the issue/problem that is ahead of me utilizing common sense and a stable and sensible presence/direction – where I find solutions to the problem and use common sense to get there


Day 408: Weaknesses

Yesterday I was painting a wall together with my partner. I was rolling the roof and my partner was masking certain areas of the walls using tape. Some moments later my partner asked me if I could help her to mask an area of the wall, because she had trouble reaching that particular spot. In that moment I experienced a reaction of irritation, and this was accompanied by line of backchat, which went something line this:

“Can’t she do this herself? Why must I do it? Why cannot she learn to do this, it is simple, I should not have to go over and help her with this simple point.”

It was not only about me having to stop what I was doing, to go over to another part of the room and align the tape, what triggered my reaction was also a judgment, of perceiving my partner as being weak, because in my mind, she could not ‘handle’ this simple action – and I perceived it as if she was accepting this weakness, readily embracing it, instead of pushing through it, and for example, herself, learning how to mask that particular place.

So, when I bring this point back to myself, I can see that it is about judging weaknesses, and as well, judging not challenging weaknesses in solitude, but rather asking for help. This is what I would term a typical male approach to weaknesses. The belief that weaknesses must be fought, and conquered. However this is certainly a very one dimensional way of approaching weaknesses, because, what about learning from weaknesses? What about acknowledging my weaknesses, and then structuring my life in such a way that I can focus on my strengths, and outsource the parts in my life where I am weak? Or, what about acknowledging my weaknesses, and seeing that someone else is able to do it better than what I am, and thus, the project as a whole, would be more effectively executed if someone else did it instead – or – what about me learning from them?

And this also opens up a related point, if I am strong in a particular aspect in my life, what purpose does it then serve, that when someone asks for my assistance and support, that I become irritated and impatient? Rather, I could utilize such a moment to actually show the other person my technique, the secrets of my strength, explain the point – because that would that assist and support the other person to move themselves from being weak to strong. Thus, the reaction that I had is really counter-intuitive; because judging weaknesses only leads to pretending that one is strong in order to hide one’s weaknesses, and what good comes out of that?

Do I become strong when I hide that I am weak, or pretend that I am strong? No, that is not the case. Real genuine strength does not have to pretend – it is simply who I am. And when someone else shows that they are weak, in-fact that would be an opportunity for me to share my strength, and also, show others how to develop that particular strength.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge weaknesses, to react towards them, and fight them, and not want to understand them, not want to experience them, not want to have anything to do with them, because I perceive them to be a nuisance, a pest, and if I accept and allow one into my life, it will possess me and make me lose touch with the physical, with myself, with my strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress and fight weaknesses through becoming angry and frustrated, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this will not make the weakness go away, rather, if I want to transform the weakness into a strength, I will have to get to know it, and then see what is required to be walked to bring forth a strength, and then assist and support myself, or the other person, to walk a process to make the weakness into a strength

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge asking others for help, to judge recognizing that I am weak and that I need assistance and support within a particular point, to think that it is something bad, something that I should not accept and allow in my life, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is in-fact a point of ego, how I am accepting an allowing myself to compromise the walking of a project, because I do not want to appear as weak, instead of simply, asking for assistance and support, or asking, how for help to improve my skills, and thus, pushing and moving the project forward in such a way that the best expression, the best potential will come through.

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself judging a weakness, reacting in anger and frustration towards a weakness, wanting to suppress a weakness, I take a breath, I bring myself back here, and I stop – and I see, realize and understand that this is a point of self-sabotage that I am accepting and allowing – and that the weakness will not go away only because I try to fight it – whether the weakness is in my or in another person – rather – I must understand the weakness – embrace it – because then I will be in  a position to direct it – and maybe what is required is that I ask for help, or if the weakness is in another, that I stop up, and patiently show them how to do it, or that I do it myself, or if I am the one that is weak, that I allow another to walk the point for me – and hence I see, realize and understand that a weakness is nothing shameful or bad that has to be fought – it is what it is and it can be directed just like any point – thus I commit myself to embrace the weaknesses and look for practical ways to support myself or another to turn the weakness into a strength – and also to invite help, assistance and support when that will be what is best


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Day 379: Investigating Glee

In Sweden there is this saying, ‘glee is the only the real form of happiness that there is’. For me, this statement has held some truth, because for some reason, I have had a tendency of enjoying the displeasure/harm/discomfort of others a lot – sometimes a lot more than other forms of humor. I have not seen this as a problem, because I have felt as if the laughter coming from within and as glee has been unconditional and innocent – something I cannot really help – it just happens. However in looking deeper at this point, I have come to see that this laughter is only a veneer that covers deeper and at times more malicious intentions.

In looking at the general context in which I experience glee, I have been able to locate a couple of recurring elements. Firstly, the person at which the glee is directed (the trigger person/point) is showing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, secondly I feel empowered/superior to the ‘trigger person’ because of this weakness. When these two elements come together at the same time I experience a intoxicating and bubbly feeling, that emerge from my chest, and that come through as laughter. The sound of the laughter is monotonous and more high pitched than my normal natural laughter.

Because the glee has come through physically as laughter I have justified its existence thinking that I cannot help myself, it is a natural expression, part of who I am, and I cannot do anything to change it. However, I am able to see that it is not innocent. It is a form of separation, where I am not emphatic with the person that triggers the glee. I do not see what he or she is going by standing in their shoes, I rather see the situation as entertainment and as something that empowers me. And obviously, when someone is having a difficult moment, this does not make me more than in anyway what-so-ever – and neither is the situation/moment entertaining.

The solution that I can see is to be emphatic and push myself to see the situation through standing in the shoes of the receiving person (‘trigger person/point’) – hence see it through their eyes and not my own – to allow myself to experience what they are going through and not watch it from a starting point of separation.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, go into, and express glee when people in my life show what I perceive to be emotional or physical weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relate to others and their difficulties from a starting point of oneness and equality – but to see myself as separate – and see their plight as entertainment – instead of standing one and equal and seeing the situation by standing in their shoes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in the shoes of another and experience life from their perspective – to thus stop viewing life as separate from me, to view people as separate from me, to view the system as separate from me, and apparently there for my entertainment and my pleasure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful when things go badly for others instead of seeing the consequence as them – seeing the situation as them – and within this seeing their pain as my own – and relate to the situation from such a starting point of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful instead of being emphatic and seeing the situation as a part of myself and not as something separate that is here to entertain me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the misfortunes of others as entertainment – instead of standing as empathy and relating to the people – seeing them as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empowered and superior when and as I perceive that another is showing emotional, physical or feeling weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh, enjoy myself, and amuse myself at the expense of another, when and as I perceive myself to be more powerful than another, due to a perceived emotional or physical weakness in another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify laughing and amusing myself within and as glee thinking that laughter and amusement is always innocent, is always trustworthy, and it is something that I can always do without harming or influencing another negatively – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question myself, to question all of my experiences, all of what I am, seeing, realizing and understanding that I will only ever know what is real, if I question and then see the very origin of the point within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify laughing and amusing myself at the expense of another thinking that it is innocent and without a ulterior motive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify glee thinking that it is innocent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow glee in my life, as a normal part of my life, because in my family, glee was a normal part of life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot use my family as a benchmark for what is acceptable and what is not acceptable – because my family has not proven themselves in writing – showing that their nature stands within and as the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop glee within me when it arise and instead apply empathy – to see the pain, discomfort of another as one and equal and not as a separate point of amusement or entertainment – but as a part of myself – and thus approach from within the context of looking at how I am able to ameliorate and move this pain into a solution

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself becoming gleeful, as I am faced with a trigger point, such as a person that is exposing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that gleefulness is not supportive – it me using the pain and discomfort of others as entertainment and to feel empowered – obviously that is not a supportive solution and it does not change a thing for the person experiencing the discomfort – and hence – I commit myself to change this point to instead stand as empathy – to see the point of perceived weakness as my own – to not separate myself from it – and then move myself to find solutions to direct this weakness into and as a strength – and move the moment to become a moment building towards a world that is best for all


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Day 354: Nostalgia, Why Does It Exist?

Today, I had a moment where Nostalgia arose within me. With a sense of loss I remembered passed moments in which I had lavishly enjoyed hours of making music, which stood in stark contrast with my current lifestyle, where most of my time is spent working. Instead of remaining in that experience, I stopped myself, and I gave myself a moment to question the experience.

What is Nostalgia? Why does Nostalgia comes up within me? What is the consequence of participating in Nostalgia?

One thing that I could see clearly as I asked myself these questions was that it is not like my current life is in anyway bad, or that I lack opportunities to for example, make music. In-fact, I have ample of opportunities to pursue hobbies, and thus I could see that it was not the fault of my work that I was not making music anymore. In-fact, the thing that was standing in my way of me making more music was myself – nobody and nothing else. Surely, the conditions of my life had changed since back then, though it is still a possibility for me to pursue music creation. And this then opened up another dimension of the experience of Nostalgia, with regards to the question, what is Nostalgia?

Nostalgia, it is the negative emotion, the drug of choice, that we give to ourselves to feel inferior and less than our past. It is what we use to not have to create, live, pursue, and actively expand in our current reality HERE – because when we are in an experience of Nostalgia – the past is seemingly always better and always out of reach. However, that is not true, fact is that we are still alive, and still fully capable of creating our life and future. The function of Nostalgia is thus to justify why we should not give effort and willpower into creating ourselves and our lives – why we should wait – why it is okay to be discontent with what we have here yet still remain in a experience of longing towards what we lived and experienced in the past.

The solution to Nostalgia is thus to look at where in our lives where are not living our utmost potential, where it is that we are holding back, allowing ourselves to be limited and confined, and then in that area, push ourselves to break through and live what we see is best for ourselves. Thus, it is not about recreating the past, it is about creating the future – and making sure that we always expand, move and challenge ourselves to be the best that we can become.


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Day 349: Taking Care of Plants

A while ago I decided to take some potted plants to my office in order to make my working environment more comfortable and supportive. However, now, one of my plants have almost died due to dehydration and the other has been affected by dehydration – because I did not water them properly. Knowing that my external environment shows me who I am within, I decided to look at what I can learn about myself from this.

The word that popped up within me was nourish. I could see that the plants died because they did not get the proper nourishment, water. And it is not that I do not care about the plants, because I do, the problem is that when I am at the office, I usually get so caught up in a high strung energy of fast and efficient movement, that I get tunnel visioned and only see my work, and what task that I should get to next, and I do not take in my environment as a whole. Interestingly enough, I did not initially see that my plants experienced a tough time, as I was so completely invested into my work.

Obviously, this is not cool, and it is something that I want to change. I would want to be stable and have oversight, be calm and capable of nourishing myself and my environment, regardless of whether I am at work, or being at home relaxing. Instead of existing in a tunnel vision, I would want to have a expansive awareness of all the various lives that touch mine on a daily basis, so that I am able to support, nourish, and give as I would like to receive.

The solution is to ground myself using breath, and then deliberately expand my awareness through looking at and noticing what is going on around me – and then deliberately push myself to give time and attention to the lives around me – because another problem is that I will sometimes notice someone or something – yet not feel that I have the time to invest myself in their lives as I am so much into my own thing.

Thus slowing down and expanding my awareness to what is around me and pushing myself to invest time and effort into the lives that touch mine – to actively participate and give support and nourish – and see, realize and understand that it is not that I do not have time in-fact – it is that I am too fearful of losing time that makes me unable to effectively give as I would like to receive.


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