Tag Archives: suppression

Day 381: A Moment With Many Dimensions

I walked through an interesting experience at work that revealed many points and it played out as follows. I was sitting with one of my superiors, to whom I usually feel inferior. We were together working on a project, and my superior asked me some questions, which I answered, in that state of inferiority/fear – with a low voice – slightly held back. It was a short answer. And now comes the interesting part, at the meeting, one of my new colleagues was present, which my superior also asked the same questions. My colleague answered with confidence, self-assurance, and I was surprised at the depth and understanding with which he spoke. This made me feel insecure and fearful, as well as jealous. I wanted to be the one to shine around my superior and show off – however – because of inferiority and fear – as well as polarized desire to impress – I was not able to express myself genuinely and to my full potential.

I see that inferiority and fear in relation to authorities is self-debilitating. I see that wanting approval from authorities is self-debilitating. I also see that my expression/movement at work should not be motivated by comparison – or rather – not the form of criticism/emotional comparison/competition that I have become used to – rather – I can use others as positive references to develop and refine my skills. For example with my colleague, I can take him as an example when it comes to speaking with self-assurance and self-confidence – and also take him as an example when it comes to trusting my own seeing and realizations – however then not to move myself in order to win or prove myself – but to move myself in such a way that I expand and grow as a person.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional, to judge myself, and criticize myself harshly when I react in inferiority/fear around my superior, and when I suppress myself because of this inferiority fear, because I fear that I have then not made a good impression on my superior, and I want and desire to make a good impression, to feel that I am worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making a good impression on my superior, to fear not being accepted by my superior, to fear that one of my colleagues will make a better appearance, express himself more eloquently, and effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing and being judged as second best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be judged as the best by my superior – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto insecurity, to believe of myself to be less than, to believe of myself that I need the support, the understanding, the love from others to make it, that I need someone to reassure me, that I am doing good, that my decisions, that my way of expressing and moving myself at work, that it is sufficient, and that it is okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete against my colleagues and want to show off so that I can feel that I am the best – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this way of living is motivated by fear and insecurity – I am trying to show how good I am because I do not trust myself – because I do not value myself – and because I feel that I am in need of another, especially my superiors, to recognize my strengths, my abilities, my style of working, to have them say, that I am really good and effective at what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in unhealthy competition, which is a competition where I judge myself, hate myself, because I feel that I have lost, and I drive myself to win, only to feel superior, more than, and above others, instead of participating in creating a healthy competition where I accept and allow myself to see and learn from others, to take the strengths of others and make them my own, to take the powers of others and expand upon them and grow as a person for my own sake, because I want to grow as my own person – I want to become the best me for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards and push away my colleague, because I fear him, that he is better than me, and that he will take away my value and outshine me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am existing in a state of fear, thus not seeing the actual value of this moment, how I am able to learn a lot from X – because he is really good at somethings that I am not very good at – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others from a starting point of fighting, of trying to win so that I can feel good about myself for a moment – instead of moving myself to for my own sake, and so that I later can share this with the world, expand myself to grow as a person and become more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself when I feel that I am being outmatched by another – and to believe that I am then a loser – and that I must at all costs push myself to take back my position – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact existing in a complete delusion, a self-limitation, where everything becomes about winning, and proving myself in relation to others, instead of me getting to know myself, and seeing what I would like to do/express/live for and as myself – where it is not necessarily built upon what others do or do not do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to increase my self-value through feeling on top of and better than others – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough when I am just an equal, when I living HERE in equality – to believe that there must be something added to me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my equal value and worth – to see that my equal value and worth is HERE as who I am – and that it is not something that is dependent upon me receiving attention or being seeing or liked by my superior – or me being able to outshine my colleague and better than him or her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my colleague because I perceive him to be very direct, confident, and clear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead learn from my colleague, to observe, and to look at how my colleague is living and expressing himself – so that I can apply this within myself and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my superiors and worry/fear how they might see me, and what they might think about me, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to be fired, or isolated, because I am not perceived as a likable individual – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on having others liking me – instead of placing my focus HERE in looking at how I am able to expand – push myself – and move forward within my life to create myself to become a human-being with integrity and strength – and with care for humanity and this world – with care to create something that is best for all

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into inferiority/fear, and I hold myself back, through speaking with a lower voice, through limiting and hold back my physical body expression, literally diminishing myself, in relation to a superior, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of living is not worthwhile – that it does not allow me to live and express a supportive/efficient/enjoyable life – because I am not really sharing myself one and equal – I am hiding; and thus I commit myself to straighten my back, look up in the eyes of my superior, and speak with a clear and stable voice, and share myself one and equal, thus living the words of confidence, equality, and self-assurance

When and as I see myself becoming worried as to what my superior think of me, whether I have overstepped a line, done too much, or too little, whether I am in some way or another not satisfying my superior, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this tendency within me of accepting and allowing myself to be overly concerned as to what others think of me, that it limits me, and especially with my superiors, it puts me down, when I could have embraced my equality, and simply shared myself one and equal with no fears or anxieties – and thus I commit myself to share myself as an equal – to stop overthinking and analyzing who I am in relationship with another – and instead live equality and oneness HERE practically through sharing myself openly, with a clear and stable voice, sharing myself when there is something I would like to say, and not holding myself back


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Day 156: How Fitting In Is Really A Form of Fear

Yesterday I wrote about the point of fitting in, and today I am going to expand on this, and specifically look at the point of socializing, talking, and interacting, which is something that I often feel quite a discomfort towards doing – particularly when its with people that I have no close relationship with and that I don’t know particularly well. This fits in with the fitting in point, because I’ve realized, that when I worry, and feel uncomfortable around others, I loose my self-expression, and self-enjoyment, and these points are the fuel for socialization – because when I accept and allow myself to enjoy myself, and talk without fear, uninhibited, and without worry – that’s when I can socialize effectively.

I’ve also realized how much I accept and allow myself to become influenced by how I believe that others feel about me – for example – I will express myself in a situation openly, and playfully, and within that see that my expression isn’t positively received by those in my world – and in doing that I will start to become worried that there is something I’ve done wrong, that there is something I’ve not expressed correctly or as I should express it, and then I begin to suppress my self-expression, instead of realizing the simple point that – everybody will not like me – everybody will not feel pleasurable when I speak, and express myself – though that is not something that I can accept and allow to hold me back in life, because in doing that, I would live a life of suppressing myself and my natural self-expression, which is not something that I want to do.

So, what I am going to do in this blog is to apply self-forgiveness on the fears I have of other people, and also of accepting and allowing myself to become influenced by how I believe that others feel about me, and experience me – and I will also anchor this point in the physical through redefining the word self-confidence – because that is what I see that I lack – the self-confidence to be comfortable with myself, to trust myself, and to enjoy myself with others – and to not accept and allow how others experience themselves to effect how I experience myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear approaching others, and talking with others as myself in natural self-expression, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within me, and an idea that my natural self-expression is not acceptable, its not cool, and its not likable, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hold myself back when and as I am communicating and interacting with others, in the belief that when I share myself I am not doing it correctly, and appropriately and as I apparently should do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being excommunicated, and fear that someone will think that I am immature, and childish when I am expressing myself, and that I am not following the social rules, norms, and regulations of how I should express myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, and hold myself back in fear of what others are going to think about me, instead of me accepting and allowing myself to expand, and be confident in myself, and stand stable regardless of what others might think about me, or how others might perceive me, or how they might experience me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried when I speak with others, and hold myself on leash, wherein I am in a constant state of worry, and fear that I am going to say something that will be experienced in a wrong way, and that another will due to what I have said or expressed form a belief and idea of me that I am not likable, and that they don’t want to have anything to do with me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back around others, and suppress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself, and approach others from within and as a starting point of wanting to fit in, and wanting to be accepted, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I am approaching a moment from within and as this starting point, I am in-fact suppressing myself, and I am not accepting and allowing myself to be unconditional, and to be open, and to be myself with and around others – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push through my fear, and stand up within myself, and practice approaching communication, and interaction with others from within and as a starting point of self-confidence, and self-trust, and that I like myself, and stand with myself, regardless of how another feel about me, or what another experience in relation to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditional and open in my expression when and as I approach others, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto insecurities and fears, and think that I am loner, and that I don’t have what it takes to be comfortable around others, and express myself with others, and that what I should do instead, is that I should hold myself back, and contain myself, and make sure that I just keep everything neutral and harmonious around me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing my natural and flowing self-expression in the moment, and fear accepting and allowing myself to come out, and be myself with others – in the belief that myself is not appropriate and is not cool – and that myself as natural self-expression is not sufficiently well adopted and groomed for the social settings that I interact and move myself within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I approach people in my world, to see them as my enemies, and to see them as people that are out to get me, and that I because of this require to hold myself back, and contain myself, and make sure that I am not to open, and to expressive, because then they might attack me and bring me down, or make me emotional, or sad, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself, and stand with myself, and support myself in moments with others, through accepting and allowing myself to express myself, communicate, and interact with others as myself, being natural, and effortless in my participation, and not accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I make mistakes, but rather stand up immediately and get on it again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself through judging myself, and thinking that I have in moments expressed myself in a way that is wrong, and that because of this, nobody likes me, and nobody wants to be around me anymore, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me suppressing myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I’ve taken it personally, and that I begun judging myself, when and as I’ve perceived that others haven’t liked me, or experienced themselves positively around me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through this point of taking it personally, and judging myself, and instead approach every moment, and every interaction with new eyes, and accepting and allowing myself to open up, be expressive, share myself, and enjoy myself with others without fear, or anxiety, or worry or concern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and be hard on myself when I suppress myself, and when I hold myself back, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea, and belief that I should be able to immediately and without practice, and without walking a physical process of self-correction, express myself naturally and effortlessly around others, instead of realizing and understanding, that in order to create and live myself as this point of expression – I require to actively and continuously push myself in each and every moment of interaction and participation to be here – to speak – to share – and to be open to what is here in this moment

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice living self-confidence, which I will do through approaching situations, and social interactions within me being open, expressive, and within that participate without fear, worry or concern, and instead accept and allow myself to share myself as my natural self-expression here in every moment of breath

I commit myself to practice living self-confidence as not accepting and allowing myself to be influenced, or to suppress, and withhold myself, when and as I see that someone is reacting to me, and how I share and express myself, but instead continue to move, and continue to express and be here – stable, and consistent within and as myself and not accept and allow myself to take it personally and judge myself when I notice that I am not liked by another; because I see, realize and understand that its not about being liked – its instead about me living, sharing and expressing myself fully – and not accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back in fear of what others might think about me

I commit myself to push myself to expand my social circles through communicating with new people – through striking up conversations with others when I see that there is a opportunity to do so – and as such push myself out of my shyness and fear bubble – and realize that I must make the decision to walk and apply this correction continuously – and accept and allow myself to seclude myself in a worry and fear bubble