Tag Archives: survival

Day 424: Choosing Clothes

Today I noticed myself reacting to my partners clothes. She was on her way to the store when I noticed a couple of holes in her pants. I became anxious and told her that she should use a different pair of pants.

Afterwards I looked at the situation and why I had become anxious because of the condition of her pants. I could see that it was not really about her pants, instead it was about how other people would see my partner, and how that in turn would reflect back unto me. Subsequently, the fear was related to the fear of other peoples opinions, and that they would in some way, jeopardize my survival.

I have seen that my mother is very much the same way. She is very self-conscious and worried about what others think of her, even though, the thoughts and perceptions of others really does not have that much impact in her life. For example, she is keen on retaining a particular image of herself towards her neighbors, because else… Well, it is this latter part of the fear equation that does not make sense. Somehow the perceptions of others have been linked to survival, and the same fuzzy logic exists within me.

Where does this fear come from? I remember when I was younger and my parents, in particular my mother, stressed the importance of the clothes I wore. I was not allowed to wear soft pants, it had to be jeans, because ‘they look more respectable’. And the issue of clothes was mostly discussed from a starting point of fear and judgment. Its interesting, that I was never asked, for example: What clothes would support you as a being? What clothes would support you to express yourself and expand? What colors would open up your expression? What type of shoes would assist and support your body the most? Such considerations were non-existent – instead – clothes became about survival.

Thus, what I can see is that my survival is not dependent on the perception of my neighbors, and the people in the local store. I can walk to the store wearing clothes that I enjoy and feel comfortable in, and the same is true for my partner, without this compromising my standing in relation to survival. Though, at work, the way I dress and look is connected to my ability to earn money and survive, and hence, there it is relevant to be specific and exact in terms of the clothes I decide to wear. Even so, this does not justify me becoming fearful as to the opinions of others. Survival is practical, it has nothing to do with fear – and should simply be a point of logic – looking at what works and what does not – and then aligning myself according to the best possible way of movement.

Secondly, I see that its important for me to redefine my relationship with clothes, and to not accept and allow fears and anxieties to determine what clothes I wear, and how I see/look at the clothes of my partner or my child. The primary purpose of clothes is to support the human physical body and protect it from the various elements of this earth. Then, according to the context, clothes can have a variety of purposes, and hence, it is important to look at the context, look at what is here, before making decisions.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful, anxious and worried that the clothes of my partner will trigger other peoples reactions, and that they are going to think badly of my partner, and that this in turn will reflect badly on me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety that these judgments might in some way make it difficult and hard for me to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival is dependent on the positive reactions of people in my environment – and that I need to be ‘liked’ to survive – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is an idea that I have created in my mind, and that it does not make sense, in-fact, because in reality, in the physical, my income, my survival, is not directly related to what other people thinks of me – rather – it is related to my skills, my intellect, my ability to handle myself, follow instructions, process information, and work together with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of others, what they think, how they see me, that they will judge me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me inferior and less than, to hide myself in inferiority, to hide myself in isolation, to hold myself back, so that I will not become visible to others, and that I hence will not become judged – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not a solution, that it is not a valid way of handling myself and my movement in life, to hide away, to try to escape from the eyes of others, as this will not assist and support me to move and do what I require to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of what others think of me, and hold myself back, hide myself, shut myself down, censor myself, so that I will only portray and image outwardly that I am certain will be accepted by the people in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the opinions of others and judgment of others are directly related to my survival – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is more about context – more about where I am – and that in some contexts – the opinions and judgments of others means nothing at all – and hence I should not accept and allow myself to change and alter myself in such contexts in fear of what others think of me – but rather stand with myself and with what I know makes sense and is best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgments and opinions of others, and to fear for my own survival, and to hold myself back, and act according to my fears, in the belief that I will that way survive more effectively, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not the case, and that I am in-fact holding myself back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my human physical body, my expression, my process, the context, and all other variables involves in selecting clothes, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider my fears, believing that my fears are real, believing that my fears are the most important point to consider, not seeing, realizing and understanding that there is so much more

Self-commitment statement

When and as I see myself becoming fearful and anxious that the clothes I wear will be judged by others, or that the clothes my partner wear will be judged by others, or that that I resist picking clothes for myself, because I fear what others will think, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I cannot accept and allow fear to decide what I will wear and what others will wear, because clothes is about so much more, and hence, judgments and opinions of others cannot be decisive factor – I will decide what I want to wear because it is best – and act the same with my partner and my child; and hence I commit myself to select clothes according to what is supportive for me and my physical body – and stand in the same way in relation to my partner and my child – the physical and what is supportive is what is relevant – not fear


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Day 345: Living Without Limits In a Limited System

When living and participating in the system, day out and day in having to perform the various tasks that we must perform in order to ensure our survival, it is easy to loose touch with what matters. The system moves fast, and a day is usually divided into short segments of time, where we continuously have to move ourselves from point A to point B. At times, this can create the feeling that life is just moving by, too fast for us to really handle or participate fully within. It is unfortunate that we live in a time and age where money has become a prerequisite to survival, and our time is a very limited resource that mostly has to be used to earn money, because this leaves little room for reflection, and self-expansion.

However, the system is currently as is, and it will not change in the near future, and thus what must change is WHO WE ARE within it. If we want to live a fulfilling, creative, expansive life, within a system and style of life that is limited, we must become creative and innovative. In-fact, when looking at it this way, it becomes fun, a game; how am I able to make something exciting, expansive, challenging with my life, where I am at the moment? Is it possible for me to create moments of silence and self-reflection in between the otherwise constant rush between point A and B? Is it possible for me to expand myself in my line of work? Is it possible for me to grow as a person, and utilizing my career, and survival responsibilities to do that?

To answer such questions we have to push ourselves, look out of the box, and learn to approach our lives using fresh eyes. This is obviously difficult, and sometimes, the first process that must be walked, for us to see the opportunities that are here, is letting go of the judgments towards our survival responsibilities and our life in general. Because, if we are not even willing to see the opportunities that are, but are instead focused on dreaming about the future, hoping for something different out there, we will not be able to take the next step in our development. For us to make something more of our current life, we must ground ourselves HERE – HERE within BREATH – that must be our starting point.

The fascinating thing is that our lives – EVEN when they are seemingly consisting out of routine, boring and repetitive tasks, and isolated to things we feel forced to do – has an array of opportunities. Really, if we ever think there is a problem with our lives, that means we have gone into a form of blame, and suppressed our natural movement and drive to expand, move, develop, refine and specify. Thus, we must stop looking outside of ourselves, stop looking out into the future, and turn our eyes within, and push ourselves to discover the areas and the aspects within our life within which we are limited and that we are able to push, and also, the areas within our life where we are strong, and where we are thus able to push ourselves even further.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my life to change, to wait for my life to give me opportunities and to challenge me, to wait for my existence to move me, instead of me actively moving, and directing myself, and hence, in this process, establishing, and defining myself, where in my life I can push and expand, how I am able to further myself, and become more as a human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the premise that life and who I am within life is limited – and that a life in the system of survival – makes me limited – that a position in the system makes me limited – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I am not limited unless I accept and allow myself to be that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my life to supply me with positive experiences – and to blame life when that does not happen – to think that I must move and change scenery – that I must have a new life – instead of pushing myself to expand – and look where and how in my life I am able to further my process of self-change and expansion – where in my life that I am still limited – and where thus – I am able to push myself to change

When and as I see myself waiting, or feeling down, blaming the world and the system because I feel limited, and trapped in a life of survival, I stop myself, take a breath and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand, that I only feel limited because I accept and allow it, that I am limited, because I accept and allow it, and that there is nothing standing in my way when it comes to me expanding and moving, except myself, and thus I commit myself to use my life in the system – to use all of me – to push myself to expand – change and develop myself – to as such become more and realize my full potential as life as what is best for all

Day 317: Redefining Work

I watched a School of Ultimate Living hangout on Redefining the word Work and it was very interesting and inspirational. The hangout covered the topic of resisting and disliking work – an experience most of us are probably able to relate to. I suspect that the majority of people desired to do something different than what they are now doing for a living. At least this is the case for me. My line of profession is not anywhere close to what I hoped to achieve and experience as a youth. However, as our world functions currently that is the reality we have to deal with. It is not likely or realistic that I will be able to make a living with music, painting, being a soccer pro or television host. There are few positions like that in our world, and likelihood that I would be able to achieve one of them is rather distant.

Thus, we live in a world that in many ways does not work effectively in terms of enabling us to fulfill our dreams, however, even though we are not able to individually and singlehandedly change how the current system operates, this does not mean that we are not able to change our experience of ourselves within it. The hangout I mentioned above covers the topic of how you are able to change your experience of yourself in work, and find purpose, enjoyment and satisfaction.

Past week I experimented with some of the suggestions that were given in the hangout. Hence, what I have done is that I have brought a percolator from home, some nice coffee beans, and a coffee grinder. Instead of drinking the coffee that the office provides, which does not taste good at all, I have now begun making my own coffee with freshly grounded beans. It takes longer than using the coffee machine, though, that is part of the experience. Making my own coffee like this is a way of slowing down for a moment, taking a breather, and giving myself a treat.

I have more ideas that I am planning to put into creation during the coming weeks. Among other things, I am going to decorate my room with plants, that will help to clean the air, and create a hospitable and inviting environment. I am further going to organize and clean my office, and make it optimal to suit my needs. These are small things, yet, for me to make a big difference. Because, with these small actions I am integrating myself in my environment, taking words such as care, purpose, and fulfillment, and living them practically in my life – creating my life to be MORE through making each day, and within that my work, an extension and expression of myself and not merely something I rush through in a state of dissatisfaction to be over and done with it.

This is not all. In the hangout what was also discussed is how important it is to live HERE, to embrace one’s work HERE, and not see it as merely a stepping stone to get to where we would like to be. It is easy to forget, but life does not exist in dreams about where we hope to go in our future, it is HERE. We might think that our current job offers no stimulation, no challenges, that it is a dead end, and that it will not lead us anywhere – however when we decide to approach our work from that starting point that is also what we create. The solution is to embrace where we are now, and open our eyes to the opportunities that are here. There might be some awesome colleagues that we have not pushed ourselves to get to know, because we have been so stuck in a negative experience towards work. Further, there might be projects, and other types of possibilities at work, that we have disregarded, for the same reason.

At my own office, I have discovered that there is plenty of opportunities to expand, particularly through getting involved in and starting up projects and groups that in different ways improve the working environment. An example would be taking the time to write down and share insights and experiences in relation to various work responsibilities with my colleagues, that will benefit the organization as a whole – and in that giving as I would like to receive. And this opens up another point, that to be able to have purpose and fulfillment in our lives, we must be willing to, and push ourselves to give. Because it is when we give, and we give unconditionally, that we  receive. This brings to memory a famous quote: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’ – and that can be changed into: ‘Ask not what your work can do for you, but what you can do for your work.

To summarize, what can be learned and taken from this hangout?

We create our lives, thus, the problem is not our environment, it is WHO WE ARE in relation to our environment. When we decide to become the best we can be to ourselves, and our current reality, then we will also experience a life filled with purpose, fulfillment and satisfaction.


Redefining Work

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Day 306: The Potential I See

When I first found Desteni and was introduced to the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements, I clearly saw within me a potential. I saw a potential of me expanding, growing, and finally being able to release my emotional burdens, and instead focus my attention on creating a fulfilling life for myself. Eight years later, I can look back and conclude that in many ways, I have succeeded. I am a new person – more vibrant, excited, fulfilled and thriving – there is a purpose to my life – where I wake up each day and see the potential to create, enhance, and expand. My life is not anymore about feelings and emotions, experiences, and inner struggles, it is about living and self-creation.

This potential that I saw in myself back then, I see it in everyone. We all have a potential to become remarkable and extraordinary – however – without nurturing, pushing, and investing oneself into the process of realizing that potential – nothing will happen. Hence, we will only ever be as great as we accept and allow ourselves to be – one and equal.

What I see is that all human beings have a talent, some form of skill, a ability, we all have something that is uniquely our own that we are able to contribute to this world. Unfortunately, very few tap into this potential, and some never even get to see that they do have such a strength – mostly because we have not been shown how to see ourselves, or how to be intimate with ourselves. And in order to see our gift, and where we can stand in this lifetime to make an impact, we must get to know ourselves. Thus, this is why the process of Desteni is so important. Because with the tools of Desteni we are offered a way out of our confusion so that we can see ourselves with clarity.

For instance, with myself, before I found and began to apply the tools of Desteni, I was very much a lost soul. I did not know where to go or what to do with myself. I traveled places, did some odd jobs, floated around trying to fulfill the dream of becoming a musician, while all the while, not ever knowing myself and my strengths and aptitudes. My life was without direction – and the principle from which I walked my life was that of searching for and attempting to experience excitement, liveliness, and fulfilling my desires. It was all about the experience, and naturally, that lead me to consistently take the route of least resistance. Though I saw a potential in me to become stable, mature, moving myself with purpose, resolve and determination – and through using the tools of Desteni – I was able to realize that potential and make it a reality for myself – and express that change in my choice of career and everyday life.

I see the same potential for this world – I see how what is now soulless jobs, things that people do only to survive, can change and become careers, ways in which we CARE for this world and means through which we share our own individual gifts to make this world a better place.

I see how the family, that is currently a place of conflict, can become a foundation of support for each individual in this world, where you as a child, is born and nurtured to become the best that you can be; where you are given the best education, the best health-care, the best role-models, and the best financial opportunities.

I see how our judicial and political systems, that are currently a means to further the self-interest of but a few, can become institutions that work and push to develop society to become even better – and how laws can be created to support LIFE – expansion – fulfillment – and become the basis of heaven on earth.

I see how media can change, and instead of being a place of gossip and distribution of opinionated ideas, become a place of learning and expansion – and how we will be able to see other cultures, get in touch with new perspectives, become exposed to different forms of vocabulary, and how we in that can develop and grow as human beings.

What I find so fascinating about this is that in all of these potentials, the common denominator is SELF – the INDIVIDUAL – and hence – in order for our systems to change – we must change. In order for politics, and law to change, WE must change. In order for career, and jobs to change, WE must change – and instead of believing that we are trapped by the systems that are here now – we must understand that it is not about where we are, or what we do, it is about WHO we are in what we do. It is about WHO we decide to be in the small moments in life; do we stand up for LIFE or do we accept and allow ourselves to remain in old cycles of polarity – going back and forth in our minds missing the LIFE that is HERE in-front of us – the LIFE that we must take in our hands and CREATE – WALK WITH – and STAND WITH.

This has always been the problem – we as individuals must change – we must become the principle we want to see emerge in this world – we must become the second coming that we have been waiting for.

Hence – the potential we see in this world – that is possible – we can create it. Though in order to get there – we must take into account that this world and all its system exists out of individuals – and hence – when the individual change – the system change. Accordingly – changing the system goes hand in hand with changing yourself to be the best version of yourself that you can be – Realizing the Potential of Yourself.

Day 282: A Hell of A Day

Today, I had a hell of a day. And with that, I mean that I had a day where I faced many new experiences, and reactions, of which, particularly one stands out – the desire to impress, and its polarity opposite, the fear of being useless.

I really enjoy the way that my work is challenging me when it comes to this point. Because my work currently is about tightly cooperating with others, and in that my efforts are continuously being evaluated, by myself obviously, and the benchmark of my evaluations is how I perceive that others see/receive my work. For instance today, I had a moment where I walked up to one of my colleagues, as we where to have a meeting, and it turned out that I was half an hour early to the meeting – lol. In that I moment I experienced a big fat embarrassment in my chest area, as well as a fear tightening my chest – because in that moment I perceived my actions/behavior as a weakness.

So, it is interesting how deeply ingrained this point is within me of wanting/desiring to be someone to another, and how severely it is limiting me. Fact is, that when I strive to be something for another, my experience of myself in what I am doing shifts from me, here, applying myself, to learn, expand and grow in my application, into a state of fear, where the murmuring backchat is of the following nature: ‘What do they think of me?’ – ‘Did I do this right?’ – ‘Did I make a fool out of myself now?’ – ‘Oh my god, they are going to dislike me forever now!’ – it is like a constant momentum of anxiety that I get pulled into that then defines my day, my work, and what I do.

And, the interesting part of this is that I know how much I could enjoy my work, and the learning experience I could create it to be, if I would be able to let go of my drive to please, and my fear of displeasing – because the work offers so much potential for learning, growing, expanding and becoming more effective. Really, it is similar to school, we constantly do things because others tell us to, and after a while it is all about the recognition, all about what others think of us, and not about our own expression/experience/momentum within what we are doing.

The solution is to redefine work, redefine living, redefine myself, from survival to living – and that means – understanding that life becomes so much more when the veils of fear are released and one is instead able to focus on the actual living, the actual participation, the actual interaction with life here – and one have energy, and space within to process this world, and all the information that is constantly moving. From what I see for myself, what stands in my way is fears and desires – very basic mental experiences that are stopping me from becoming what I can become. Because I do like my chosen profession, I do like the constant learning, expanding, and growing that exists within it – however to really access that potential fear must go.

However, I will not give up until I am able to stand, and walk in my chosen profession as an expression of real living, with no fear – that is my reference point – that is my goal and where I want to get to. Now the work begins to get there, which involves, applying self-forgiveness, and the specifying my corrective applications. Challenges, mistakes, faults, and errors are not meant to be feared – we are supposed to learn from them, grow, expand and welcome them into our lives, as they offer us an opportunity to become even more effective.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being appreciated by my colleagues or bosses – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon others appreciating me, others thinking that I am good, others defining me as being an asset, etc. and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this to myself

I recognize that I am an asset, that I have many qualities, skills and abilities that I can use to give and create a world that is better for all participants involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being outcasted by my colleagues and bosses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes – in the fear that my colleagues or bosses are then going to judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in fear of what that might lead to and create in my life in terms of future career opportunities – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed about my future – about what might come to pass – and forget about myself here in the moment – and the process that I am walking – and how I can in-fact use what I am doing to empower myself as an individual – however it is required then that I push the point of actually doing it for and as myself and not to satisfy my bosses and colleagues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my life when I am out in the system, working, creating relationships, and more, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this experience thinking that life is dangerous, that I need this fear to keep on my toes, not realizing that it’s not about need – it is about habit – and within that not realizing that I can create for more supportive ways of living and participating in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a reason as to why very few people are able to become knowledgeable and superior in their professional field is because the focus is elsewhere, the focus is not on learning, understanding and empowering oneself within the work one is doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to empower myself in my field, I must focus on the work, the field, and the learning of that work, that must be where my energy goes, and in this I cannot accept and allow fear to be a part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not presenting a good enough work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when my focus is on presenting a good work to another, then I am not actually focusing on the work that I am doing HERE – and how I can empower myself within the work that I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to remember is that what I focus on will grow – if I focus on what I fear – that will grow – if I instead focus on my relationship and application within the work that I do – then that will grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, when and as I notice that I am getting high strung at work, and I go into some form of a rush-energy, to take a moment to stop up, to go grab a cup of coffee, drink some water, or take a walk, and support myself to get out of that experience, or apply some self-forgiveness, stop up for some moments and ground myself back into my body, remind myself of my starting point, my why in the work that I am doing, to learn as much as possible, to expand, and empower myself within the field of law, to in the future be able to use this to create a difference in this world that will make life better for all human beings – that is my starting point – not fear – not anxiety – not worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, because I fear that my superiors are going to judge me, and that this will have ramifications for me in that I will not be able to get a job in the future, and feel secure and safe in my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with regards to money, and security, exist in this polarity, where I sometimes, usually when I get money, feel secure, safe, and sound, and then when I am at work, and I perceive that there is a risk I am not going to get money, go into fear, anxiety, and worry that I am not going to be able to survive, because I might become fired from my job – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my participation in this sense/feeling of security is actually creating the opposite polarity of fear, and anxiety – and hence I commit myself to let go of both of these polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my colleagues or bosses are cryptically judging, or showing their discontent with me, when they look a little angry, or say something that could be interpreted as them thinking that I am not good at what I am doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no point in caring what others think about me – what is important is that I know what I am doing – I know what I am pushing – I know what I am walking – and that I am walking to my utmost ability – and in that I know that I am doing what I can do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is that I must take ownership of my life, my work, my professional career, everything I do, make it mine and thus not anymore do it to satisfy another – but to create a purpose within it that I can walk, where I have my starting point, where I have my direction, and where I know/see how I am going to create myself within it all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to use my current work to learn as much about law and the legal system as I am able to – and I commit myself to focus my physical and mental energy on this process of learning, of understanding, and seeing the flaws, and mistakes, and the machinery of this system, and thus not anymore accept and allow fear to be a focus in my day-to-day living

When and as I notice that I am going into a state of rush, and inner speed, and where this is shown through becoming absent minded, forgetting things, and being generally incapable of focusing effectively, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that to ground myself back in my body, I require some moments for myself – I require some moments of breathing, applying self-forgiveness, and focusing myself back here – and thus I commit myself to give myself those moments – there is time for that – because I realize what a difference this will make for me – and how much more comfortable and relaxed I will be in my physical body as I get home – and how much more rested I will be as I wake up the next day – as I will not have abused and harmed my body through participating in stress, anxiety, and fear

I commit myself to walk my life with no fear, stress and anxiety, and show that it is possible to do this – and I commit myself to not fear mistakes

I commit myself to in relation to my profession, my career, to create a purpose within it, to thus create ownership in relation to all parts of my life, so that I am walking/creating for and as myself – walking and creating according to my plans, and according to what I see myself achieving in this life, and hence not within and as the fear of what my bosses, and colleagues might think about me – and thus I commit myself to take ownership in all parts of my life – to redefine who I am in the areas of my life where I notice that there is still fear and anxiety – as I understand that such reactions indicate that there is till a separation and that I have not effectively claimed ownership in relation to the point

Day 273: Morning Experiences – Part 2: Remembering Myself

In my last blog I opened up my morning experiences, and these have included: Depression, not feeling like, not experiencing motivation, feeling hopeless and as if there is no point in getting up, feeling as if my time, and my life is being stolen from me, because I have to get up and tend to all my responsibilities. Currently thus, there are many negative experiences clustered around the event of waking up.

Though, in this blog I am going to look at what practical applications there are, what solutions that I can apply in order to change my morning experience. And one solution that I have seen is to transform my mornings into a moment/experience of me assisting and supporting myself to slow down, to forgive, and prepare myself to walk out into my life. Practically speaking, what I can thus do as I wake up is to apply self-forgiveness, to focus myself on grounding myself and finding back to my physical, and making that my starting point.

At this stage, I experience my mornings as a pain to get through, though why should they be like that? In fact, the mornings are what I make of them. Hence, I can make my mornings an opportunity for me to ground myself, and support myself to find, and develop my stability, that I will then use to assist and support myself to get through my day. And fact is that, much of the tiredness, drowsiness, and physical strain I experience throughout a day, are directly related to my emotional experience. When I do not react emotionally to my day, walking through, dealing with my responsibilities, and directing myself is easy.

The trick is thus to remain with my physical stability, as that does not change, does not go back forth, up and down, here and there, it is simply one breath, one physical movement, one physical foundation. And for me to be effective and stable, I require to align with that stability, and my mornings are a perfect time for me to do this.

When I wake up, I will hence focus on my breathing, ground myself in my body, and apply self-forgiveness on the reactions that come up, and support myself to let go of any emotional experience that is lurking within, so that I can walk out of my house, stable and steadfast, and capable of using the day, and the opportunities it will provide, to the best of my ability.

Day 237: Greed and the drive for survival

Recently I walked through an experience where I had made a deal with person, that they would give me some money, and in turn I would give them a product. Though what happened was that I gave the product, and the recipient didn’t give the money – and this is what in law is called a breach of contract.

swindledAnyhow, due to circumstances I realized that it wasn’t worth the effort to attempt and try to demand the money – and I tried to make peace with the fact that this deal simply didn’t work out. This would prove to be more difficult than I initially thought – consequently I had these deep, and overwhelming emotional experiences come up within me – a conglomeration of sadness, fear, anger, blame, disappointment, resentment – coming together in a experience that I had difficulty understanding and naming.

Several times I sat down and wrote, applied self-forgiveness, and looked at the event, and my emotional experiences – though I couldn’t let go of this experience that I had become the victim of a great injustice – hence I had thoughts, and backchats come up where I imagined taking revenge, coming up with something really effective to say, and to scare the other person into giving the money – it felt impossible to let it go and come to peace with what had happened.

Thus – here I am – and I will in this blog open up the more deeper dimensions of this point – because it’s clear to me that what have activated within me isn’t only about money – it goes further than that – it’s about my relationship with money, survival, and my ideas of morality and honesty.

Firstly, it’s interesting to note that I became disappointed at this other human being for deceiving me – and why is that? Well, it’s like becoming disappointed at a tree for growing leafs – meaning – the nature of the human being as it is currently exists does have a clear and predictable tendency to deceive in order to attain more resources. This pattern is not remarkable – it’s in-fact merely a outflow consequences of this world system – that tend to drive people into a state of survival – where they will act and live out self-interest to a great degree in order to survive. Here is where greed comes in as well – because to further our own survival – we tend to become greedy and within that strive to attain more, save more, get more, buy ‘2 for 1’ and ‘get one for free’ – in it’s very foundation – this type of wanting more is a form of fear of survival. This pattern is also predictable and understandable – most human beings live out greed in some way – myself included – because it’s interpreted as a way of attaining security and safety.

Thus – it’s interesting that I became disappointed, and felt deceived when this point occurred – while really – what happened was that a pattern played out – a systematic outflow consequence of how this world currently functions, and how people are at this moment, from childhood, conditioned into a state of survival where the only thing that matters is oneself – and in better cases – the immediate family. To me, becoming upset, and feeling disappointed if I would be robbed or swindled, indicates that I am not aligned with the actual nature and substance of this physical world as it currently exists – because robbingdeception – and greed – that is a part of this world at the moment – a systematic outflow consequence.

This then nicely transitions me into looking at my own relationship with money, which is obviously an important aspect of this reaction, and why it occurred within me so strongly. I can see that I’ve conditioned myself to be dependent upon money for me to feel safe – and that when someone takes money from me – this then apparently deprives me of my safety, my survival, and security – hence as a defense mechanism – I have created this strong emotional response to anything that might threaten my money supply and consequently my survival. This is as such why I’ve had such difficulties letting this reaction go – because letting this go is in-fact me letting of my obsession with self-survival/self-interest – letting go of this moment is me making the decision to not be defined by and through money – but instead seeing/understanding/living that money is a tool and not a part of myself.

If money had been a tool for me, a paper, something that didn’t influence me – would I have had any reaction towards missing out on some cash? No – because then it would’ve simply been a matter of practical considerations – realizing that – okay – I expected this money to be here – now it isn’t – so how can I then rearrange my plans, and my direction to be in alignment with this unforeseen event that emerged? Looking at money from that starting point – it’s simply PRACTICAL points – PRACTICAL considerations – no emotions, no feelings, not self-definitions – it’s money as a tool.

Thus, it’s fascinating to note that this reaction goes deeper than what I initially foresaw – while on the surface it might only look like a justified experience to a fucked up situation – in actuality it reveals some deeply seated patterns that goes again in most of the human population.

In my next blog I will continue opening up this point of money, deception, and greed.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when someone deceives, where the consequence is that I lose out on having money – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a deep reaction of resentment, fear, and anger – where I want to take revenge, and do everything in my power to attain these monies that I perceive to be mine – and blame this other individual for apparently leading me behind the light – instead of realizing that what I am facing is manifested consequence – and is a systematic outflow pattern of this world system – and how human beings have been programmed into survival and greed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this money system and the way it changes people personally, and believe that it’s a personal attack against myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to defend myself in this world through taking things personally, through reacting in blame, in resentment, in fear, and disappointment – believing that this is going to secure me a position in this life where I can feel safe, and cared for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for what I perceive, being greedy, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring this point back to myself – and ask myself how I live out greed in my own life – how it is that I will attempt and try to take more than what I need and want – only to feel secure, and safe – and to ensure the chances of my own survival – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this pattern is existent within me as well – and obviously this is partly why I am having such a overwhelming reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and attack another within me for apparently deceiving me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that deception is part of how this world exists at the moment, that deception is part of the human psyche, and that it’s nothing to blame, or react to – rather it’s something to understand, and then find methods as to how the point can be directed – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that being deceived is a systematic outflow of how this world currently operates and is thus nothing personal, or nothing to react towards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anxiety when it comes to not getting money that I expected to get, and that I see myself as being a rightful owner of – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into, and react within and as this fear of survival – where I will then start to within me look for solutions as to how I can turn the tables, and further my interests – and make sure that I am able to win the particular battle I feel that I am in – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this experience – to question whether this is in-fact a effective method of survival – where I will become possessed with and as energies – and move in energies – and not consider or work with what is actually, physically here in my direct environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear of survival is never an effective way of approaching this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up this desire to own and attain money – and rightfully gain more of them – and see that all of this stems from within and as this fear experience – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive, and let go of this fear of survival – and embrace self-trust here – and realize that there is another way to live that stands beyond self-interest and self-survival – where I do consider all and everything else that is here equally – and not only but myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, and irritation, and blaming, when I imagine before me, the recipient of my product, feeling all smug, and good about himself, because of how he was able to trick me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to within that want and desire to have revenge – to want and desire to wipe the smug smile off – and make myself the one that can feel smug, and smart, and ingenious – having been able to sidestep this other individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this point of being smug is something that I do myself as well – where I will define myself as being smart, and better than others, when I perceive that I’ve done, or said something that have really gone over the head of another, and where I feel that I have really been able to own the situation – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fascinating point – that this other individual, and all that I am reacting to – is in-fact parts of myself that I’ve not yet recognized or accepted and allowed myself to forgive and work with – and thus I commit myself to look all this individual represents to me – and work with self-forgiveness – and realize that when there is no reactions within me towards this individual anymore – then I’ve in-fact seen and understood that these particular survival points exists within me as well

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am experiencing reactions within me towards this other person, such as resentment, blame, irritation, or when I see myself scheming to ‘get back’ and ‘win’ – I stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the reason why I am reacting to this individual so much is because he represents me, he shows me parts of myself that I’ve not yet recognized, or given attention to – and thus me facing this particular point in my life, is in-fact an opportunity for me to get to know these survival aspects and parts of myself that I’ve not yet worked with, or directed effectively – and thus I commit myself to look at this other individual as myself – and apply self-forgiveness as them – and thus within this walk the point of understanding – that we’re all in this world carrying the same basic programming – and we’re in essence no different from one another

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of resentment or anger, and then feeling as if I can’t get out of it, as if I don’t know what to apply self-forgiveness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this only happens because there are more dimensions to the point that I haven’t opened up – and thus I require to look deeper, and I can ask myself questions to uncover more of the point – for example: Why is this bothering me so much? Am I living anything of this in my own life? Have I done something like this in my own life? Am I judging this behavior? And thus through questions – push myself to explore the deeper dimensions of and as this resentment reaction