Tag Archives: taxi

Day 230: Too Much Luggage

lotsofluggageAt my job as a taxi-driver I sometimes have to help people with lifting heavy baggage. This is most of the times relatively easy, as the great majority customers have only but a little luggage. Though some make out to be the anomaly, and accordingly they have more trunks, bags and suitcases that require to be stuffed into the luggage compartment of the car. Even though, the physical exertion required on my part to get their possessions into the car isn’t monstrous. It takes a little more effort.

The interesting thing, and this is the point I’m going to open up in this blog, is my mental experience towards the customers that require more service. Because, the moment I see a customer awaiting me with more luggage than usual, I will access an undercurrent of anger – and the access will be immediate. The anger I experience physically, I primarily feel it in my calves, as they tense up. My back muscles will also become tense, and I tend to slouch, and my facial expression becomes droopy and less animated.

So-far, my solution to this have been to smile, and then help the customer more eagerly than I would have done with a customer coming with a normal size luggage. Though, this doesn’t change the physical experience I have, which only goes away after a couple of minutes – and at times I can notice myself being in this tense state of irritation through the entire trip.

The problem I see here, as the origin point of this reaction, is that I feel that the customer is unjustly using me. I perceive that he or she is expecting me to perform a service out of the ordinary, and is just demanding me to do so without a second of hesitation. This is what triggers the irritation, that here this person comes into my life, expecting me to do a lot of work, expecting me to give a service, smile and drive them somewhere – which I perceive to be unfair, unjust and undue. If this experience within me would come out in an action, it would be that of saying to the customer: “You can load your baggage in the trunk yourself!”

This experience, and undercurrent is obviously limiting me. Because it is clear that in the reality of today, we have to do shit we do not necessarily like, or feel joyous about, because that is how we make a living and survive. Another point is that in resisting to assist and support another with their luggage, I am not accepting and allowing myself to look at what it is that I can learn from this part of my life. Here I am faced with a moment where I am due to the nature of my job, forced to give service to another human being – and notwithstanding that my job requires me to do this, what I could practice in these instances is generosity and giving unconditionally.

It is a cool skill to be able to give service to another without expecting anything in return, to go that extra mile without any hope for remuneration – the act of giving unconditionally – giving as I would like to receive. This is how I can transform these moments from resistance to expression. Where I instead of feeling forced, and reluctantly stepping out of me car to assist the customer, accepting and allowing myself to make the act of helping the customer an expression of myself – an expression of me unconditionally assisting and supporting another with their luggage – giving them the gift of transportation from position A to position B – and within that – not wanting/desiring to have anything in return.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to assist and support another without getting something back in return

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a undercurrent of anger when and as I notice that a customer has a lot of luggage that they require me to take care of, and within this feel as if the person in question is unjustly asking me to assist and support – and that I am not given enough in return to be able to give such a point to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist giving unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist assisting and supporting another without getting something back – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep counts in my relationships – where I count how many things another have done for me, versus how many things that I’ve done for them – and through that calculation then within me determining whether it’s unjust that I give more or whether it’s okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist assisting and supporting another without receiving money in return – and go into a undercurrent of anger when another demand from me to assist them in a particular way that I perceive to be too much labor – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when another asks me to assist and support them – and instead of looking at whether this is something that I would have liked to be done for me – look at whether it is just and fair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on concepts such as justice and fairness when I assess whether I am to assist and support another or not – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact limiting myself through looking at this point in energy and experience – believing that I require an equal amount of energy in return to give of myself as energy – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand within my human physical body and give here as an expression of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I stand as expression – there is not such thing as me having to receive energy in order to give – because I am expression naturally as myself – it comes through not because I believe I have to – but because it is me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the expression of generosity and giving – accepting and allowing myself to give service and assistance to another and understanding that this doesn’t diminish or compromise me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the situation of carrying luggage for another from within and as the starting point of me unconditionally assisting and support another and living that expression of generosity and helpfulness – giving as I’d like to receive – and thus see these instances as opportunities for me to practice and bring through this expression of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another demands of me to carry luggage and it is more luggage than average – that I am being robbed of my dignity and worth – and that this other person is being authoritarian and diminishing me through their behavior – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact limiting myself through believing that the stance and expression of another can change me – not realizing that I change myself on the basis of acceptance and allowance

Self-commitment statements

When and as I face a situation where I am asked to help, and I go into resistance, aversion, and irritation, because I perceive that it’s unfair and unjust that I should help them, and that they should do it themselves – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment limiting myself in energy, allowing myself to see the physical from an experience-perspective instead of looking at whether I can assist and support another, whether that is common sense in the moment and would benefit the other person, and whether it is something that is relevant for me to do in this moment, and that does not compromise me and who I am – thus making a physical assessment and making my decision on that basis – and as such I commit myself to assess the physical situation and then make the decision on the basis of what is best for all – giving as I would like to receive

Day 44: Tips, or no tips?

Driving a taxi a re-occurring event is that I will receive some tips – and sometimes I receive good tips, and other times none at all – often my participation with the person do not influence them that much as whether they will give tips or not, because most have already decided and follow a already established pattern.

Now, the point I want to write about is a reaction that comes up just before the moment that I am to receive, or not to receive tips – meaning – just before the moment when the customer is to pay. When the customer stretches over, and hands me the money – this is when I tend to go into a reaction of anticipatory anxiety – or excited anxiety; and when this reaction comes up within me – I tend to react to this react in a fear of that this reaction will be seen by the customer and then they will feel uncertain, or decide to not tip me after all.

Thus – looking deeper at this point – what does it show me? It shows me an addiction to me – and that I am holding unto a slight excitement each time that I am about to receive money – as if money is some type of a drug that will give me more than what I had before.

I mean – it’s fascinating – I listened to this eqafe interview before that was done by a person that lived out his life as a homeless – and he shared his observations in relation to when he was begging, and how people reacted to that; and one point that he noticed was that human-beings tended to not want to give away their money because this was their access to “experience” so to speak – because with money – they could manifest all those vividly colored imaginations, and hopes in the mind into reality – and for a moment experience themselves empowered, strong, and satisfied.

This is what I am doing as well – and I am able to see that when I do receive tips, I have this thought come up within me that: “now I can go and take a coffee, or buy something to eat – because I won’t waste any money doing it” – I mean it’s fascinating – even if hadn’t received tips I’d still be able to go and buy a coffee, or something to eat – and I still wouldn’t have “wasted” money so to speak – because I would’ve gotten something practical, and necessary in return – such as a coffee, or something to eat.

So, I am able to see that what kicks in during these small moments of receiving tip – that is my greed, and miser-character – because I’ve noticed that I do have a tendency to be a miser when it comes to money, and feel good/safe about saving, and protecting my money – and feel uncertain, worrisome, and nervous about spending money; so when I receive those tips, or have the possibility to receive those tips – I react because then I go into my money-character – as my pre-programmed way of living as trying to protect myself through accumulating money.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as the miser-character when I am about the receive tip – as becoming excited, and experiencing anticipatory anxiety – feeling that “this is it” – now I can either enlarge my fortunes, or I can become robbed of my fortunes; and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to money – and to believe that when I save, and that when I have much money – that I am protected and allowed to feel safe, and secure – and instead of realizing, and understanding that it’s a conditional safety, and security – because as soon as my money are going – I experience myself unsafe again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a miser in relation to money – wherein I will not supply myself with points that I need, and that are effective, and useful for me to have – because I will instead think about how much money I have, how much my savings are worth, how well I will feel after I’ve purchased this product – and within this I will compromise myself because I am not looking at what I need but instead at numbers, fantasies, and ideas in my mind – that are not relevant to living here in physical reality – equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat myself with a coffee, or something to eat – when I am able to afford such a point, and when I see that I’d like such a point in a moment – I mean – what good are money when I am saving them, simply for the sake of feeling safe, because I have much savings – I mean – it’s insane; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here – and re-align money to be a practical point in my world, and reality that I utilize, and use to support myself effectively in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself lost into a state of fear, as fearing loosing money – within this becoming blind to the opportunities that are in my life – and to the possibilities that are in my life – because everything that I am thinking about is that I don’t want to loose money – while obviously – there are severely more important things to care about, and to consider in my world – than my fear of loosing money – I mean – money is meant to be used to create a effective day- to-day living – it’s not meant to be saved in some account for no purpose – I mean – that’s what you do when you expect to live for 100 of years – and only live to survive without any form of courage to make this life something extraordinary; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push through this fear – as the miser-character – and allow myself to see money as a tool and not as something mysterious that I must fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am protecting myself by protecting my money – not realizing that my money is not me – but money is merely a invention that does not need to have food, water, and effective physical care – I mean – money is a so to speak – dead object – and I am not that – as such – when I protect my money I am not protecting myself – because protecting myself would imply that I actually care about my human physical body, and about my physical surroundings – and make these the best that they can possibly be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money protects me – and that the more money I have – the safer I will be – and the more I am able to let go, express, and enjoy myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this is a faulty, and irrational idea/understanding of money – because money is not like a gun proof west that I put on – it’s merely a point that allows me to participate in this world, and reality effectively – and in some dimensions do actually support me to be safe in this world; yet – within this it must be understood that the primary point that determine my reality – as after all not money – but the human being dealing with, and using the money – which is ME; and thus – I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that thinking that money will secure my future, and my safety – is really a point of blame – and simply shoving the responsibility of my life unto money – instead of me taking responsibility for myself, and my life – and making sure that I am effective in my day-to-day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a anticipatory anxiety when I see that there is a possibility that I will get new money – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that when I receive money – my life will change – I will experience myself more fulfilled, and able to deal with this world – and I will not experience as much fear and uncertainty – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and understand that money is merely a physical object – that has nothing to do with my general movement – I mean – as to the point of – WHO I AM within and as my daily physical movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to buy a cup of coffee, or some snack outside when I am driving – thinking that this is a “unnecessary expense” – not seeing, realizing, and understanding that I’ve created a very limited definition of the word necessary – wherein I’ve in essence abused myself through thinking that “no point is necessary” – and that I am in essence able to cope with bread, and water – and that I don’t require anything more but that point of bread and water – and within this I forgive myself that have not accepted and allowed myself expand my understanding of what is necessary – to also see that it’s necessary for me to live a dignified life – meaning that I do have access to these small points of comfort – and that in a way these are necessary for an effective life; so as such – I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop my fear of spending money – and to stop my miser/saver-character – and instead realize that money is not something here to make me FEEL safe – but something that is here for me to use to support myself to live an effective daily physical life – here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am compromising myself, and not buying something that I need, and that would assist, and support me in my daily living application – because I instead want to “save the money” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that saved money are really money that aren’t used – they are money stuffed away for a rainy day and as such in essence an attempt to escape death – not understanding that death is certain – and that as such – money is to be stored away merely to have them stored away – I mean it’s cool if there is a specific purpose for the storing – such as buying a expensive product that self requires; but merely saving for the sake of saving – I mean what is that? As such I commit myself to stop saving for the sake of saving – and instead use my money when I have access to money – and that there is a point I’d like to be that would enhance me and my expression of myself in daily living

When and as I see that I am going into and as a state of anticipatory anxiety as I am about to possibly receive tips – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that money doesn’t mean anything – unless I am here effective to direct and move money in my world – as such – money is secondary – and what is of primary importance is who I am; thus reacting to the point of money is really irrational because it’s giving money more importance than what it deserves and not looking at what is of real value, and importance – which is the effectiveness of my daily application in self-honesty; as such I commit myself to focus on myself – and to place value on myself – and stop valuing money more than me living effectively breath, by breath here

When and as I see that I am reacting, and going into a state of excitement, and happiness, as I’ve received money as tips – thinking that now I can buy something nice for myself, such as a coffee, or something to eat; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – I do already have money – so why must I receive tips from someone for me to allow me to give myself a treat in the form of coffee, or something to eat? I mean it makes no sense – and it comes from this miser-character, or saving-character – as valuing the point of saving simply because it feels good – not understanding the physical implications of saving in comparison to spending – I mean – in spending money I can actually bring forth products into my reality that is of benefit to me – in saving money – I mean the money is really just laying there not being used – as such not really having a purpose what-so-ever; as such I commit myself to stop fearing spending money – and to stop judging spending money, and glorifying saving money – and instead look at the practical implications of these points – and act in such a way that the best result comes about

When and as I see that I am going into a state of excitement as I receive money, feeling that I’ve now “grown” a bit – because I’ve been given these money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I’ve not grown – I’ve not changed – the only thing that has happened is that I now hold some more money in my pockets – I mean physically nothing has changed at all – and I mean this makes it fascinating to ask – what is this excitement – is it even valid? I mean – small sum of money and I become excited – what is that about? And as such I see that I’ve placed this completely unrealistic value on money – as believing that money will in some way save me – and make safe in life – while that is absolutely not so – because at the end of the day – I stand responsible for my effectiveness in living – and as such – whether I am safe, or not – is only to a certain extent depending on money – but mostly depending on my ability, and clarify in self-direction in my day- to-day living; as such I commit myself to stop glorifying money – and I instead realize that what’s important is my daily physical movement and application of myself – one and equal as breath – that is the key to effective living – not how much money I have.

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Learning By Doing

Today I’ve been out driving my car for most of the day. I’m practicing for a driving test that I must do in order to attain a taxi-driver’s license which I dearly want to have. So I am out driving at least every weekend.

Anyway, I wanted to share a cool point that I’ve realized in regards to learning new things, because that is what I am doing as I drive around. I learn new traffic rules, I learn to maneuver the car more smoothly, I learn to deal with new and difficult traffic situations with ease and confidence, and in essence I learn to become a more effective driver.

And what I’ve understood in terms of learning these new things is that it can’t be forced. I can’t force myself to learn new things through thinking about each mistake, or fault that I do. Actually – the more I think the slower I learn, and the more mistakes I make.

It’s fascinating – but the less I think, the more I learn. The less I talk in my head about knowledge and right and wrong, the more confident I become at handling the car. The less time I spend in my head, the more time I spend in the physical, and to drive a car is a physical action, so maybe it isn’t that strange after all, that learning becomes so much more effective when I stop thinking.

It’s interesting that you’re taught in school to learn just the other way around. There you’re shown that thoughts must be used, thinking must be applied, mistakes must be brought up and focused upon, and what is right is important, and what is wrong is important. So instead of physically, and actually learning things, one spend the most time worrying about right and wrong, what is correct and what is a mistake. Because of that learning becomes so slow, and tedious, and boring, as you don’t actually place your time into learning in the physical (where living takes place) but instead into worrying and thinking.

Thus, now when I’m out driving my focus lies upon having fun. I apply the rules that define what correct driving is; yet I’m not hard upon myself if I miss something. I don’t go back to the situation to think about what I made wrong, and what I’ve could’ve done better – I instead focus upon the next moment that is ahead of me and yet again I apply myself. Moving myself forward instead of looking back – not defining myself according to failures but instead proving that I am able to succeed and effectively learn to drive my car.

And when I move in this flow of breath, being present in each moment as it arrives, learning is much more effective, and my driving is much more smooth and confident.

A conclusion would then be that, no matter how beneficial we think it is to spend time in our mind, pondering mistakes of the past, and what we should do correctly and differently in the future, this doesn’t help us to learn how to in-fact live more effectively. Because in order to live you must actually spend time here in the physical and that can’t be done when you’re in your mind thinking about what you did wrong, or correct for that matter.

So, instead of holding unto a mistake, you simply see the mistake, and then move on, better prepared to make it right the next time around, without having to think a single thought.

And so instead of expecting ourselves to become good at something right away, we accumulate ourselves to perfection, slowly but surely, without becoming infested with the self-judgment of right and wrong, as thinking. Moving ourselves forward, letting our mistakes go, yet determined to accumulate ourselves into and as self-perfection, but still having fun at the same time!