Tag Archives: tension

Day 335: Slowing Down

Of all animal species on earth, human beings is the only one capable of creating a dream/goal/vision, and then, walk through life with the sole focus of fulfilling that future point of creation. All other types of animals lives and creates in the moment with no particular idea of how they would like their future to look like. As much as this skill we have is what makes us powerful, extraordinary and capable of building magnificent things, it is also our greatest weakness, in particular when our drive/desire to bring something into creation ‘out there’ gets in the way of living and experiencing life on a day to day basis HERE.

To better understand this point I will share an example from my own life. All since beginning my university studies some 6 years ago, I have been very motivated to get through them and to dive into the world system and start applying myself in my area of expertise. This focus of mine was initially very supportive, because I was clear and determined, I knew where I was going and had a general idea of how I was going to get there. However, when I was about to finish my studies, and I applied for the last advanced courses, a doubt and insecurity started to creep up within me. I had achieved excellent marks and before me was a world of opportunities, though the problem was that I had no particular interest or passion in any field or area. For me, all the various focuses that I could decide to move into where the same. On top of this, there was a conflict within me, as to whether I should choose a focus where there was more money, or a focus that was more aligned with what I enjoyed to do.

This uncertainty grew within me and continued for a long while after I was done with my university studies. I just did not feel comfortable in deciding on a focus, on a direction, and on where I wanted to take my life. I felt like it was too much of a decision, because, what if I made the wrong decision? What if I after several years realized that I had moved in the wrong direction? What was I supposed to do then? At that point I would have wasted all of these years, when I instead could have made the right decision immediately. Hence, what became my focus was what I wanted to do in the future, not, what I wanted to do, and what I was already involved with HERE. Because, as I was having these uncertainties about my future, I at the same time enrolled in a advanced class, and I continued to pursue hobbies and leisurely interests – yet always with this little voice deep inside my mind reminding me that I did not really know what to make of myself in my future.

It is fascinating to look back and see how this pattern of wanting to know and be clear on who I am going to be, and what I am going to do in my future plays out, and what that consequences flows from this mind design. In trying so desperately to know what we going to create with our lives, we miss out on the actual real life process of creating and building ourselves, our days, our interests, our careers, and all of the various things that are included in this thing we call life. Instead of creation being HERE, in the moment, in the physical, something that we express naturally as WHO WE ARE, life then becomes mechanic, where we fill ourselves up with logical assessments and attempts at making final and conclusive decisions as to where we are going, FORGETTING that, life can only be effectively lived in the moment – and while it is possible to have a plan and general outline of where we are going – it is not possible to decide upon where we will end up eventually.

I had a chat with a friend of mine during the time when my uncertainties reached a peak, and she shared with me the following:

We often think that things only get moving THERE in the FUTURE – when all the while, to create that future – starts with EVERY DAY, that little you do to get things moving and building on it however much you can with each passing day.

This statement has been the SOLUTION for me to move out of my inner madness of continuously wondering about, considering, and looking at what I should do – and instead embracing what is HERE.

I find it fascinating how it is so, so easy to become overwhelmed and lost within feelings and fantasies of what we should be doing, want to do, feel like doing, resist doing, hope to do, dream about doing, instead of focusing on WHAT WE ARE DOING and what is POSSIBLE in the life we already live here. It is so easy to get lost in thoughts about doing and experiencing things that are not a practical or a realistic option, and at the same time, completely forgetting and missing what is right in-front of us.

Now, creation starts HERE, with the small and seemingly insignificant acts that things moving in the direction we have foreseen. If you have an urge to learn a new language, however, you have looked at it and realized that there is no time to do to pursue a course or travel a country where that language is spoken – then – instead of getting stuck in that state of wondering – look at of the box – what small thing are you able to do in your everyday life that will bring you closer to the goal that you have set for yourself. Maybe, one such act would be to buy a audio beginners language course and then practice and  learn the new language while driving to work?

When we SLOW the fuck DOWN – stop rushing and looking at what we must reach out there in the future – and bring our focus BACK HERE – that is when shit starts to make sense. Whatever it is that we want, on some level, it is already here and ripe for the taking – we just need to open our eyes – see it – and act.


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Day 289: Breaking The Habit Of Overworking

For most my life I have studied, and now recently, I joined the so-called workforce – now a large chunk of my days consists of what we call working. What I have come to see is that working is very much different to studying. Working is physically tiresome, it is stressful, you are very much left to your own devices, and it definitely takes more of a strain on the body. However, what I have found is that there are two ways of working; there is overworking, and working.

Overworking is when I push myself without taking brakes, without slowing myself down within myself, and creating a energetic momentum within me, fuelled by work, and the drive to get as much done as possible in the shortest amount of time possible. Overworking has consequences for the physical body. Yesterday I overworked myself, and as I woke up the morning after, I could feel how my body was a lot more tired, and depressed. Not only that, but throughout the night I had perspired, and my sheets were damp. And this experience was a direct consequence of overworking.

Looking at the beliefs and opinions circulating in society, one of them is that working hard, efficiently, and with drive is a positive thing. Being ambitious and successful is many times seen as synonymous with having a tight schedule, and constantly busy with work. However, what I have realized is that there is a quality in working slow. There are major benefits in taking breaks, allowing for fun and expected events, and doing things I enjoy, to for a moment, letting go of work.

I have had this idea that the more I work, the more I will get done. Now, I am not so sure anymore. Because, sure, when I work a lot, I will seemingly be productive, though, what is the price of that productivity, will I get more done in the long run or will I burn out? And then, how about focus and concentration, can I still produce quality products if I am tired, foggy, and absent-minded? My answer here is NO – it is not possible. As with all things, I do things best when there is a balance, when there is a holistic consideration for all the points in my world.

Hence, working must be balanced. Overworking implies a lack of balance, and the solution here is to insert small breaks into my schedule, go and take a coffee when I feel that I go into that compressed, tight, and pressured overworking-mode, and listen to my body. Success and ambition does not have to imply overworking – instead success and ambition are words that can be lived and applied in consideration of my human physical body – hence creating a balance – making sure that I give myself all the ingredients I require to live to my utmost potential.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwork instead of accepting and allowing myself to work in a tempo and speed that is supportive for me and my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not break the habit of overworking – seeing that in order to break this habit – I require to push myself to get out of my comfort zone – and work slowly – work in consideration of and as my human physical body – to actively listen to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice gentle working – gentle working that is supportive for me and my human physical body and let go of the ideal of productivity and effectiveness – to see, realize and understand that I am in a physical reality – and because of that I cannot lead my life by these mental concepts of perfection – I have to take into account that the physical must move in a certain speed to be supported effectively – that when I overwork I create consequences for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that overworking comes from stress and anxiety – that overworking rises from a thinking pattern emerging from lack – where I believe that something is lacking and that I must run to get back on track – and that I am all the time out of sync and must rush to get back in sync – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself here as in sync

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be more natural and organic in how I approach my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that to create a supportive environment for myself and my body, I must listen to, and be attuned to what is here, to the information that is here in this moment, and align my participation and movement according to that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to take recurring breaks, to walk my body, to change environments, to do something different and break routines while at work, to in that assist and support myself to get out of the overworking-mode and get into working-mode – where I move myself in breath, being aware of my reality, and of my human physical body, moving in a tempo and speed that is supportive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up overworking in fear that I am then not going to get anything done – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and honor overworking as this supreme characteristic that I must hold unto – as it will propel me through life and make something extraordinary of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that overworking is going to lead me into a early grave – because overworking – that has very direct consequences for and as my human physical body that are not supportive – and thus I commit myself to practice natural working

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am overworking, I take a breath, I bring myself back here, and I stop myself – and I see, realize and understand that I will not get more done when I overwork, rather I will exhaust myself physically and mentally, and create physical consequences, a tired body, a tired mind, and a lack of life, and thus I commit myself to practice working in a comfortable speed, and tempo – to take regular breaks, and in that – nourish and care for my physical body – making sure that I take myself into account and that I listen to myself

I commit myself to stop overworking – and instead apply myself in a tempo and speed that is comfortable and supportive for my human physical body – and thus take the breaks I require in order to rejuvenate and replenish my energy

I commit myself to show by example, that in doing things in a comfortable pace, I can get just as much done as everyone else, and that it is not the speed that counts, it is WHO I AM – my presence – my interaction with the labor in the moment – that is what allows me to do really great quality work

When and as I see myself chasing minutes, chasing productivity, chasing success, I take a breath and I stop myself, and I see, realize and understand that I will never be able to achieve success and productivity if that is always points I am chasing after, and trying to get to – the solution hence is to LIVE them here – to stand as success – to stand as productivity – redefining and living these words HERE in the moment; and thus I commit myself to live productivity and success – to apply and live these words in my daily living and hence not anymore chase them

I commit myself to take the lead in creating a new way of relating to work – where work is done in a comfortable pace and tempo that is supportive for the human physical body and myself – and in this I commit myself to create balance in my life – balance between work, relaxing, commitments, and responsibilities, and make sure that I do not place too much emphasis on one single point – but that I nourish/take into consideration ALL OF ME

Day 102: Control and Wanting

To continue on yesterday’s topic, which was about me about to write my exams, and within that having an experience of nervousness. Thus, today I listened to a fascinating interview (here you can find it) about “Letting go” and how this is something we tend to, not do, because we want to have control.

It was explained that we desire to control things because in essence there is a want involved, something we desire and believe we must have in order to be content with ourselves, which is a point of stimulus, a point of response. Thus, we seek to control a point, because we want response, thus looking at this in relation to my education, I am able to see that the specific want I am looking for, the specific response, is to be recognized in the system as a effective and successful person – and this is something I want because it means I will be in the center of attention, I will have people in my world look at me, admire me, and respect me because I have that particular job or career, in essence a form of fame.

I am also able to see this in terms of the future projections that from time to time come up within me, that it’s always about me in some career path, or future, where I’ve gotten ahead, I am the best, I am the winner – I got the coolest job, the coolest clothes, the coolest hairstyle, I am that person everyone desire to be; intelligent, cool, smooth, elegant and stylish – so it’s fascinating that I am creating this tension within me as wanting to control my education for me to be able to ascertain that I will reach and get an hold of this want.

What was also mentioned in this interview, was how it’s possible to change this perspective of looking at things, to realize that what is able to be lost, is really in-fact not real to begin with – and that instead of running around fearing what might be lost, we can instead live and direct points HERE in every breath; because the point to realize is that HERE can’t be lost – we can’t loose ourselves so to speak as we are always undoubtedly HERE (more or less) and thus able to direct what is here.

It’s quite obvious thus, that I must accept and allow myself to fully and completely let go of this want, because it compromises me, as I am within holding unto this want, really placing myself in a experience and position of constant fear – constant tension – constant restlessness – and the solution is thus to embrace physical living fully and completely – to realize that I don’t need these dreams, these wants, these projections, because I am here – thus I simply direct what is here according to what is here – nothing more is really in-fact required – simplicity.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a want and desire to be stimulated and to have a particular response from others wherein I am given a value by others, I am admired by others, I am desired by others, I am wanted by others, I am respected and loved by others; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, and compromise myself in my daily physical living, through holding unto this desire – this want; believing that I must control myself, and tightly hold unto this point within, else I will loose it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I am able to loose is not real to begin with, thus the fact that I fear loosing having a particular response from others, proves that this is not real and that it’s merely a mind-experience that I am searching for, and desiring to have in my life, within the belief that this somehow makes me more then, and give my life some type of meaning or value; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and unconditionally release myself from this self-compromising patterning, realizing that when I let go of want – I will in-fact expand and be able to deal with my life much more effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through holding unto a want of wanting a response from others, as hearing them say that I’ve lived a “good life” – that I’ve “done well” – that I’ve “been effective” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of tightness and fear as attempting and trying to control that I have the future that I desire, as being able to manifest my wants, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my wants are not even real – that they are not practical and physical – that are in-fact unpredictable, uncertain and temporary – as me being able to manifest them implies that I have a short burst of a positive experience and nothing more – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and unconditionally release myself from, and let go of my anxieties, my fears, and therein also my wants and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to live without wants and desires, to realize that I won’t loose myself by letting go of wants and desires – that it’s obvious that life isn’t built up around wants and desires, because these points can only exist in separation from life, in some emotional experience in my mind – in some type of quasi-reality that is only made up out of energy, that feels as if it is real, but looking at it from a physical perspective, it doesn’t in-fact exist; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be fully and wholly physical – to be fully and wholly here in every moment – to push myself to take that breath, and the next breath, and the next breath in full awareness, not accepting and allowing myself to live out a single moment of my existence in my mind – but to instead live HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for the response in others as being seen as famous, as being seen as desirable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my life trying and attempting to reach these experiences, to really, live my life from a starting point of hoping to manifest my self-interest, my hopes, my desires, my wishes, my dreams, instead of pushing myself to live and participate HERE in practical physical reality, wherein I am here, I make my decisions here, I look at what is practical, what is relevant, and what is common sense and live from that starting point – a practical starting point – and not a emotional starting point of looking at life from a experience perspective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I become fearful of not making my exams, is because there is a secret want within me, a secret hope, a secret to have the life of my dreams, as the hope to be recognized, seen, valued and loved – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this state of a constant searching, of a constant attempting and trying to control my future so that it will end up becoming what I hope it will be, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take a breath, and bring myself back here – and realize the life is HERE – reality is HERE – what is of actual value and substance is HERE and it’s waiting for me to make the decision to live and apply myself HERE; as such I commit myself to let go of my mind-based control-living – and instead trust myself that I will direct what comes up here – I will move what comes up here – I will make decisions that are effective according to what comes up here

Self-commitments

When and as I see myself go into tension and fear, as wanting to control my future, as maintaining and attempting to create a future where I manifest my wants, as having a response from others, as others recognizing me, giving me attention, look at me as being effective, and cool, and successful – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this want is limiting me, that I am limiting myself through holding unto control, and that what I am trying to hold unto and create is in-fact merely a illusion, a dream, a hope – and nothing real in-fact; as such I commit myself to let go of all hope, all want, all desire – to let go of my future – and to instead bring my future here – to create it in every moment of breath as an expression of myself – as me moving and directing myself here as the point come up

I commit myself to not want a response from others, as receiving attention and being admired – I commit myself to instead live HERE – to end the want as self-interest and realize that it’s of no worth, value or substance – it’s merely a mind-illusion as entertainment, and it has nothing real to it at all – thus I commit myself to practice and push myself to live completely physical here in every moment – and within that not have a want – but living fully and completely HERE

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