Tag Archives: think

Day 260: OOD = Obsessive Organizing Disorder

Today as I woke up, I knew that I had a long day of reading ahead of me – and because I know that I can focus and concentrate better when I have had some physical movement, I decided to go out and spend my morning doing some ‘farm-work’. Now, I currently live on an old farm, and my family as been living on this property for some four generations. This has caused many of the various buildings on the farm to become very, very, very disorganized. I am not sure why that is, though it might have something to do with rushing, and how we tend to disregard important points in our life, such as our living environment, because we are rushing towards the next thing on our to-do-list.

Regardless of why, it is very messy in some of the locals. And I have noticed that this messiness really gets to me – because I enjoy when points are organized, systematic, they make sense, and they have a clearly defined purpose. For example, I do not like a room where there is a myriad of things from various categories – such as a bicycle, mixed with a chainsaw, and a outboard engine. When I get into such a room I become all uneasy, and feel an urge to start organizing, and getting things into their proper place. And with some rooms on the farm I have managed to structure and organize things, though many are still left to be dealt with.

So, today as I was going about some chores around the farm, I got an idea of how to use a room, that would make sense, and that would bring more order and structure to things. In the next moment I realized that if I was going to follow through on that initial idea, the new purpose of the room that I had come up with, would clash slightly with the purpose of another room that I had thought up. Hence, I in that moment experienced a conflict of purposes – which led me to start thinking about it more, and more. Behind the scenes of this thinking process there was an emotional experience lurking – an anxiety – the driving force behind that urge to organize, to have things be systematic, controlled, specific, and aligned with their purpose.

Thus today, I am going to open up this obsessive organizing disorder-character – because this urge to organize and make things streamlined according to their purpose, it does not only come up in relation to the farm – it also comes up in my life. For example, I have noticed that it is very difficult for me to just pick up a new hobby, unless it is somehow fitted into the ‘purpose’ of my life, and where I picture myself going. And it is also difficult to ‘just do something’ without it having a goal, a purpose, an end-result in sight of what I want to achieve with this thing that I am doing. Accordingly, my diagnose is that I am obsessed with having things ‘fit into’ a scheme – a picture – a mental concept that I have created of my life – which in turn creates conflict in me when my reality does not fit into my concept of how reality should be like.

Then comes the most important question – What is the SOLUTION that I see for this pattern? As far as I see it – the solution is to accepted and allowed myself to again become a child, live like a child, and approach my day like a child – because what does a child do? A child is here in the present moment, participating in what is opening up here – and if a child one day notices how much he or she likes to ride horses – then the child will do that – unconditionally – not because it fits into the child’s idea of what he or she should do in the future. Hence, the correction is to live in the present moment – to NOT think about whether something is proper or improper – to NOT think about where something should lead me – to NOT try to organize and define everything into neat little pockets of information where I feel that I know where I am going – to be flexible and live in the moment – though still obviously – have a overview and a general sense of direction in knowing where I am going.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I constantly need to plan things beforehand, and that with all things I do and participate in, that they need to fit into a purpose, into a direction, and into a particular way of seeing things – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live in the moment, and be in the present – and approach things HERE – thus not try to fit things into, and define things, so that they are sorted and stored in a way that makes sense to me – because I see, realize and understand that things doesn’t always have to make sense – instead I can participate in something because I enjoy it, because it is here, and without having a already decided plan

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with seeing the future in everything that I do – where for me to do something – I have to see a path into the future, where this points develops, and matures, and then benefits me in my life in some way – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that not all parts and aspects of my life require to have a deep purpose and function – that sometimes – it is cool to just do something in that moment and then never return to it again – not all things require to fit in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with organizing and moving things where I live, to fit them into a systematic organization, that I think is logical, and that is based on reason – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I do not have to organize, and systematize all things in my life – that some points I can leave as they are – and it won’t become better or worse whether I chose to organize the point or not – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to be comfortable with disorganization

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable, and cringe inside of myself when I feel that things are not organized properly – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of immediately wanting to organize things, and put them into their correct place – and then go into a state of anxiety, and fear when I can’t seem to find a way of organization that fits into my way of logically structuring points in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to define and make sense out of everything that happens in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overanalyze situations, and what I am doing in my life – want to fit it into the bigger scheme of things – when really – sometimes there is no such meaning to a point that occurs – and sometimes there is no value in trying to define, or make sense of something – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be comfortable with not specifically knowing where things are headed, and how they might turn out in the future – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to trust myself – and stand stable in my breath here – even though I have no clear view, or exact knowledge on how the decision I make is going to affect me and what it is going to lead to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, that even though I might not see the full picture just yet, that when I move myself, and continue to push myself forward – that I am going to reach a point where I do see what is going on and the best decision I can make to support my life and the life of others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the moment – living here in the present – as how children live – where there is no thought about what something should become – and rather what is important is the moment of self-expression that is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can trust myself to direct points HERE in the present as they come up and as I see that it is relevant for me to move – make a decision – and direct a particular point – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace this point of moving in the present – and practice seeing the way forward HERE – having a plan – yet not accepting and allowing this plan to overshadow my present reality and the opportunities that are opening up for me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that when I get too caught up in my plans, and in what my future should be, and should become, I miss out on the physical living HERE – and I miss out on the process of self-creation that must be done in every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice establishing, and creating a balance for myself, between planning for the future, and remaining in the present – creating and being receptive to what is going on here

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a way of being, where I am trying to make my life fit into a predetermined planned, and define it into already specified, and purposefully arranged boxes, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I approach life from this starting point – I am going to create conflict within myself – because I will constantly think about the ideals – about how something SHOULD be – and not how things are here – and thus I commit myself to create a balance between the present and my future – where I do have a plan and a purpose for my life and future – yet where I am still accepting and allowing myself to be present HERE and receptive to what is opening up and moving in my day to day living

When and as I see that I am going into future projections, where I am imagining how things should become, how things should develop, how things should work out, and how things should be like, and what I can do in my future to make things the way I have imagined, and hoped that they should be, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I only think about what I should do in the future, and what I must do before I can begin moving, or doing something in my life, I am holding myself back, and limiting myself severely, grinding myself to a total halt within myself, because all of myself is in the future and not HERE – and thus I commit myself to create a balance between making plans for the future, and living HERE in the moment, creating and building, and shaping my life in the moment, with the resources that are at my disposal HERE

When and as I see myself going into and as a state of future planning, where I try to organize and make sense of this present moment through thinking about what I can, and should do in the future, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself by accepting and allowing myself to make sense of this present moment – that I do not need that to be stable, sound and clear, and be directive about my decision and where I am going – and thus I commit myself to trust myself to walk in the present – and trust myself that as I walk I will see the next step to take – and the next point to take on and move and direct – and thus that I do not require to use my mind to make sense of where I am and where I am going

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Day 163: Consequences of making assumptions

For the last week I’ve been busying myself with my car, taking care of rust that have begun developing, sanding, and repainting, so that the rust won’t continue eating away at the metal. In order to make the reparations simpler, I placed my car at a parking lot that wasn’t my own, and I assumed that somebody didn’t own this particular parking lot, because there were no cars around.

This morning as I walked down to continue the reparations, I found my car vandalized. One viper had been ripped off and the other bent, and one of the side rear-view mirrors had been torn off. My immediate reaction was that of anger, and indignation, I could feel that adrenaline flow through my body, as I continuously asked myself how somebody could be so irresponsible, and careless as to make a conscious decision to destroy parts of my car.

After this initial reaction, I looked more deeply at the point, and found some fascinating dimensions, that I realized had caused this particular play-out. Firstly, I became relatively certain that someone who owned one of the parking lots that I had claimed was responsible the destruction, and secondly, I realized that in my decision to place my car at this particular spot, I’d made some careless assumptions.

I saw that when I placed my car at this, seemingly, abandoned parking lot, I’d only considered my own self-interest, which was to make the reparation of the car more simple, and I’d quite arrogantly, and hastily looked at the point as to whether someone else might be the owner of one of the other lots. I simply assumed, that because no car was there at the time when I was there, then the lots probably didn’t have an owner, instead of realizing that the lots might be owned by someone that begin their work early mornings, and come home late at the night, or that the owner was on a vacation and thus unable to claim their lot as normal. Obviously, my initial assumption as ineffective, and it resulted in consequences for me, as well as another – because due to my initial faulty judgment, someone had been without his or hers parking lot, and on top of this, my car had sustained some heavy damages.

So, WHY did I make an initial faulty assessment of the situation?

Actually, I saw that I wasn’t innocent in my assessment of the situation – I made the assumption because it was easy, and comfortable – as it would’ve taken more effort for me to make certain that the parking lots really were unused, which would’ve entailed me calling the company that are responsible for the lots, and checking whether there is a user for the parking lot I planned annexing for a moment.

Thus, what am I able to learn from this? Obviously, to never make assumptions, but to make sure that I do have all the information relevant in order to make a informed decision, and also, realizing that whenever I tamper with points that influence the world of another, that this can have unpredictable, and harmful consequences, because the mind as it exists in this day and age is not stable, and clearly, there are people in this world who are in such a state of possession of anger, frustration, revenge, and other harmful emotions, that their actions are dangerous – thus, I realize that I must be careful and make sure that I am much more specific with how my actions influence the lives of others, and that when I make a decision, that I am clear on the consequences that this might have, and that I know what I am deciding upon, so that it’s not merely an assumption.

This point can be extended into other points in my world as well, for example, when deciding to eat food, to make sure that I am not arrogant in eating something which date of last use have lapsed, or when making decisions in regards to my future, or life in general, to make sure that I am informed, and that I don’t assume that things will go the way I hope, but that I make sure that I know what I am dealing with.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my actions will not be harmful to others, and assume that things will work out, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume instead of considering all dimensions of a decision, all possible contingencies, all possible outflows, and in this push myself to make an informed decision, and make a decision that I am sure as to how it will flow out in my physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become upset, and blame another human being for what happened to my car, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am equally responsible for the event, and that I could’ve prevented the point from occurring, had I been more aware, more attentive, and consider my decisions more deeply, and thoughtfully, instead of going with the first thing that comes up in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I know, and that I have control of a situation, and make the decision that is the most comfortable for me, instead of pushing myself, when and as I make decisions, to look at all possible outflows, and all contingencies that might manifest, and flow from my decision, and my movement, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of superiority, and feeling better, and more than others, and think that I am control, and I know what is happening, and I know how this moment is going to flow, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I really don’t, and that I am making an assumption, and that this might have dire consequences for me as well as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for my car being vandalized, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this point was a point that I was directly involved in creating, and that I could’ve prevented, if I’d accepted and allowed myself to look at the moment, and the decision unconditionally, and without trying to protect my self-interest and have my way, and have things go as I want them to go and flow, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have only myself to blame, and that sure, another might be possessed within his, or hers mind, yet I was the point that triggered this possession, which I did through not being specific, considerate, and present in my decisions, and in my movement in my world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame, and a self-defense mechanism, of wanting to prosecute, and bring the perpetrator before justice, and have my right, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility in realizing that I create the outflow of this moment, that I am responsible, and that this situation and outflow shows me an important point about myself that I’ve not yet corrected, or worked with sufficiently, which is to be considerate, thoughtful, and open to looking at a decision from a multidimensional perspective, when and as I make decisions

I commit myself to when and as I make decisions, and move myself in my world, to consider my actions, my decisions, and my movement from a multidimensional point, and ask myself, what consequences will this create for others, and what will, or might this point lead to in the life of another, and how I am able to make decisions that will prevent unwanted outcomes and results

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its immature to blame another for the consequences that occur in my life, because when I look at it, and I am completely self-honest, I see that I am the cause, I am the creator, and that as such, these consequences would’ve not happened unless I made them happen, and that I could’ve prevented this point through playing out my decision in my mind, with the information I had access to, and realized that this was a potential outflow

I commit myself to not make decision in a haste, or without consideration, because I realize that when I do, I tend to assume, and when I assume, I care consequences for myself, and an outflow that will not be effective – and as such I commit myself to stop assuming and instead push myself to gather all the relevant information, and make a decision that takes all possible outcomes and contingencies into consideration, and from this decide upon a route that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the mindset of another, and to blame another for not taking responsibility for their mind, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself in realizing that in almost 100% of the cases where people have possessions around me, or towards me, that I’m part of the problem, and that I have played my part in creating that particular point of conflict

I thus commit myself to be considerate, careful, and specific in my dealings with other people in my world, and push myself to take into account how I am affecting others, and realizing that this might have consequences not only or me, but for the other person as well – thus I commit myself to stop blaming and I instead stand as the change that is required in order to prevent situations like the one I’ve walked through from ever occurring – the solution being to make sure that I consider others when I make decisions and that I stop making assumptions and favoring my self-interesting in a state of arrogance and belief that I am in control